Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 19, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student (ICSE) and I have to appear for the Boards in March, 2013. My average percentage has always been between 70 and 80. I understand the concepts very well and I always clear my doubts with my teachers. But I am weak in Hindi, so I go for Hindi tuition. But my parents want me to join a coaching class. Are coaching classes really useful? I have a few friends who are ahead in class because the coaching centres teach certain subjects prior to when it is taught in school. Is it necessary to go there? Is it better than self study?
Betty Roy

Dear Betty,
I am not the best person to advise you about whether you should go for coaching classes or not. It depends on your confidence in your own abilities to be able to follow a regimented routine and showing discipline when it comes to your studies. More than anything else, the coaching classes enforce rigour and structure to your study routine, apart from making you understand concepts thoroughly. If you are confident about being able to do this on your own, then go right ahead. My guess is that your elders are keen on your going for the coaching classes because they are anxious about your future and don’t want to miss out on any step towards ensuring your success. Your belief in your own ability to be able to do this on your own is commendable. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Computer Science engineering student. I am faced with a real problem — I am unable to focus while studying, and that makes me nervous before taking an exam. I have already lost two years and I should have finished my course this year. But instead, I’m struggling to complete the second year. Please guide me so that I can concentrate on my work and become confident. And once I graduate, where can I find work?
Student

Dear Student,
When you convince yourself that you won’t get a job even if you complete your course, you are killing your motivation to work hard. Getting a job in a good company is not the only road to success. Secondly, getting a job in a good company is not only dependent on your marks. It is also dependent on your level of confidence, your ability to communicate, your ability to think creatively and solve problems, your ability to be a team player and a team leader, your willingness to work hard, etc. Your marks may just open a door of opportunity, but will have no role to play in your making a success of that opportunity. That will depend on your attitude and skill, more than on anything else. Success is not dependent on what course you do. It is dependent on you, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your attitude. All the best.

Ask Our Counsellor

[The following column appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on June 26, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I’m a Class 12 student who has opted for the Science stream (PCMB). Due to some personal problems, I have discontinued my studies this year and plan on continuing it next year. Everyone feels I am lucky to have received another shot at the Boards as well as the competitive exams, but somehow I don’t have that confidence in myself. In fact, I am fast losing my confidence. How can I regain it?
XYZ

Dear XYZ,

I am glad you are seeing this forced break as an opportunity that you have got, and not something to be sad about. That itself is a very positive sign. But you must be careful because this is a slippery slope. Right now when your peers are doing the exams they think you are lucky you don’t have to do them. Next year when they would have finished the exams and you will have to do them, you will feel they are lucky. The grass always appears to be greener on the other side, and you must be careful to reach your own
conclusion about it.

Don’t worry about the expectations of others. This is about your expectations from yourself. You need to do well because you want to, and because of what it will mean to you. Not because of what others expect of you. They are not going to be the beneficiaries of your hard work. You are going to be the beneficiary. So whatever you do, or do not do, you do for your own satisfaction and benefit. So believe in yourself. Whether you meet others expectations or not, is not important. You must exceed your own expectations because ultimately, that is what will give you the greatest satisfaction. All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am currently pursuing a graduate degree, a BCA course. I am in the first year. I will be giving my semester exams soon. When I sit down to study, my mind is not focused on the task that is in front of me. No matter how much I try, I can’t bring myself to focus on the subject. I had the same problem during the first semester but I did manage to score 60 per cent. But I’m not satisfied with these marks. I want to score better. Can you help me out by suggesting ways to improve my preparation process? Should I meet an educational counsellor?
Ahmed

Dear Ahmed,

Your exams will be over by the time this response gets published. However, I am still responding because you will probably face the same issue in the future as well. I am not sure what you mean by an educational counsellor? If you are talking about career counsellors, then this paper carries the column of a career counsellor as well so you can address your queries to that column.

However, I feel you need to spend sometime analysing what is going on in your mind. When it wonders where does it go? Is it with your friends, wondering what they are doing? Or is it dreaming about the future? Or maybe brooding about the past? Or is it just generally stressed and worried about something?

Remember your mind is entirely within your control. And, it is probably the only thing that is truly within your control. You just need to know how to tame it. For that you may need the help of an emotional counsellor. All the best.

Study for yourself, not others - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement dt June 7, 2012]


Dear Madam,
I am currently in PUC I. I can’t concentrate on my studies for more than 40 minutes or so. I get distracted by hunger pangs, or I text my friends. Please help.
Student

Dear Student,
I would like you to spend a few minutes thinking about why you feel you need to concentrate on your studies, or better still, why you are studying. We get distracted and lose interest in something when we feel there is no gain; when we believe it is something we have to do, for the benefit of someone else; when we would rather do something else which would benefit us more. So do you feel that you need to study for someone else’s benefit — your parents’, maybe? Or, do you think there is something in it to gain for yourself? What will your options, and life, be like if you do not study now? Think about these answers for yourself, and be honest. Think about what your life would be like if you did not have the opportunity to study. Right now it is seeming a burden to you. Believe me, the picture is not rosy. Do a reality check and accept that you need to do this, not for your parents or anybody else, but for yourself. Because effort is your only path to success. And once you have thought about it and have the answers, keep a snack by your side, leave your phone in another room, and go for it with all your gusto. Because you need to do it for yourself.

Dear Madam,
I’m a PUC I student. Can you give me a few tips on how to focus while studying, especially before an exam?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Lack of concentration near exams is a very common problem that seems to plague students and I have addressed this question in this column several times before. You could read the blog personalorbitchange.blogspot.com where the responses on the same topic are available. Hopefully, that will give you some direction in terms of technique. However, before you visit the site, I would like you to introspect on why you are studying and why you ‘need’ to concentrate. We feel bored and distracted when we are doing something that is of no interest to us, or we believe that it needs to be done as a favour for someone else, and we don’t gain anything from it. And, therefore, it is boring. We hide behind the belief that it is something we ‘need’ to do because of peer or parent expectations. Think of what your life would be if you didn’t do it, and acknowledge that there is a selfish reason to do it.

Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on May 17, 2012]


Dear Madam,

I am an 18-year-old and in the first year of my graduate degree in Computer Application. My second semester exams are approaching fast and I have not begun preparations for it. The subjects are tougher than the previous semester. When I sit down to study, my mind begins to wander and I cannot control it. I faced similar problems with my concentration skills last semester, but I managed to score an aggregate of 60 per cent. My parents are not satisfied with these scores. How can I better my concentration skills and should I approach an educational counsellor for help?

Ahmed


Dear Ahmed,

I am not sure I understand what you mean by an educational counsellor. A career counsellor will help you decide what career path is best suited for you given your temperament and abilities. An emotional counsellor will help you deal with emotions that may be coming in the way of your achieving your potential. I am not sure what an educational counsellor would do.

I feel a bit concerned when you say that your mind is not in your control. Are you looking for ways to justify why you are not studying by stating the problem as one that is external and is in someone else’s control? Or does it genuinely feel like there are voices in your mind that keep controlling your thoughts and actions.

I think you would benefit by seeing a counsellor, face-to-face, or using some of the free telephone helplines that are available for youth and adolescents, to help you understand what you are facing and help you identify the path forward.

Dig for gold, not for dirt

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald on May 10, 2012]

BUILDING BLOCKS
I recently attended a workshop where one of the things the trainer said in passing was that we must remember to “dig for gold, not for dirt.” The thought resonated through me and brought back a rush of memories of instances when this value had not been upheld, leading to disastrous consequences.

It would not be inaccurate for me to say that 80-90 per cent of the children and adolescents who come for counselling, come with issues of low self-esteem, and problems arising out of that. Their self-talk is about: “I am not good enough,” “I am not smart enough,” “I am not good looking enough,” “I didn’t do well in my test, so why should anyone be my friend?” “No one is talking to me,” “I can’t ask a question because the teacher may scold me and then the others will laugh at me.” and so on and so forth. Statements like these are all manifestations of low self-esteem.

The important thing is that none of these children were born this way. We, the parents, teachers, and other adults in their world, have made them this way, by our casual remarks, hurtful comments and uncaring ways.

We must be extremely careful about what we say, and how we say it. We may very casually call our child stupid, or dumb, or slow or incapable. But do we really want him/her to grow up believing that he/she is stupid or dumb or slow or incapable?

The parents of a primary school child came to me sometime back seeking help for their young son. They were very concerned after a teacher had pointed out many “problems” with the child during a recent parent-teacher meeting and had suggested that they meet the school counsellor. In my interaction with them, they said they were helpless and did not know how to deal with their son. Their choice of words sent a shiver down my spine because in my vocabulary you only “deal” with a “problem”! And a child is not a “problem”. If your child is a problem, then that attitude will reflect in everything that you do and say to him or her. And your child will soon start believing that he/she is a “problem”. The same holds true for teachers with respect to their students. If teachers consider a child to be a “problem”, then that is what he/she will become, and stay.

Not surprisingly, when I asked these parents what they had observed as their child’s strengths, neither parent could come up with anything, even though I tried asking the question in two or three different ways, at different points in our session together.

Now, to me that is the “problem” that we needed to “deal” with. Not the child.
It should come as no surprise then that many children grow up believing there is nothing special about them, because these parents were not unique.

Making a child ‘visible’ in the eyes of parents, teachers, and other adults is very important. But to make them visible when they are being good and doing good, rather than when they are being bad, can have a significant impact on your child’s mental make up. This is a powerful tool.

For parents and teachers
Elders can instill confidence in children by simply keeping their eyes and ears open,  listening to the kind word, noticing the neat work, watching out for good behaviour, and acknowledging the effort.

Make sure there is at least something good you have noticed, and acknowledged, in your child every day. And, if everyday seems too daunting a task to begin with do it, at least every week.

You’d be surprised when you realise how rarely you have been applauding your son or daughter for his/her effort. In fact some kids have probably never received appreciation from their parents. Yet, this negligence goes unnoticed all the time.

Remember to dig for gold. Do it every day till it becomes a habit. And scrub the gold to make it shine even more, rather than just trying to brush off the dirt and “dealing” with the mess thus created.

Nobody is perfect - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on April 26, 2012]

Dear Madam, 
    
I am a BA final-year student. My aim is to become an English teacher. I come from a poor family. And I have never been able to score more than 80 per cent. Exams make me nervous and I lose confidence.

I am confused about my future as I don’t know whether to pursue a Master’s in Arts or a B.Ed degree. My questions are:

-How can I gain courage and confidence?
-What is good for me, MA or B.Ed?
-How can I leverage my  growth opportunities in teaching?

Sanjeev M A 

Dear Sanjeev,
Your questions about getting more opportunities to grow in teaching are probably better answered by those who are currently in the field of education, or career counsellors. As far as doing an M.A or a B.Ed, again I am not the best person to answer this, but my guess is that if you really want to grow as a teacher, you would eventually need to do both. And if you want to teach at the college level, you may even benefit by doing a Ph.D. What I am going to address in this column is the lack of confidence that you are faced with.

Confidence is a function of your ability to feel strong about yourself. You can do this by recognising your strengths and weaknesses; by gaining strength from your strengths and accepting your weaknesses so that you can overcome them or live with them, whichever you choose to do. We lack confidence when we believe that we should be a ‘perfect’ person that we are not, and that everyone else is. When we recognise our strengths and accept our weaknesses, we feel more capable and confident about facing the world. We need to realise that no one is perfect, not even the person we idolise. And, just like no one is perfect, neither are we. So we are not worse off than anyone else.

Only when we are able to accept ourselves, are we able to feel confident about facing the world. So
do some introspection and identify your strengths. If your mind is pre-occupied with the fact that you don’t get the marks, you will never be able to truly concentrate on what you are trying to do. All the best.