Can you discipline your child without punishing them?

[The following article written by me was first published on the website of the White Swan Foundation at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/can-you-discipline-your-child-without-punishing-them/ ]

As I was thinking about my last article in this series, I got a question from a reader which fit right into what I was planning to cover and sealed the deal for me– the topic of effective disciplining. The reader’s question went like this: If the children are naughty, not interested in studies or of careless character we are bound to punish them by beating them a little or scaring them about their future. Kindly guide us if there is any alternate way of mending problematic children.

I want to start off by clearing a misconception and highlighting the difference between disciplining and punishment. Often parents use these words interchangeably; however, they are fundamentally different in their motivation. The goal of punishment is to penalize a child for past misbehavior. The goal of disciplining, on the other hand, is to shape future behavior. This difference is something we often forget as we try to make the punishment as painful as possible, thinking it is shaping future behavior. When we understand this difference, the premise that punishment needs to be painful gets thrown out of the window.

Since disciplining is about shaping future behavior, we need to be clear about what specific behavior we are trying to modify, and the ideal behavior that we are trying to achieve. We also need to understand and identify what the consequence that will be most effective for your child is. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation. What may be effective for one child may be completely ineffective for another. If a child enjoys watching TV, then an effective consequence may be cut down TV-time. However, if a child does not watch TV at all, then clearly that will have no meaning.

The intensity of the physical pain that the consequence causes is of no relevance. Behaviors change when children know the ‘rules’ they are meant to follow, know that if they don’t follow the ‘rules’ they will face a consequence for sure, and know, beforehand what the consequence will be. Learning happens not because of the intensity of pain caused by the consequence, but because of the certainty and frequency of its enforcement. This seems pretty simple and straight-forward. But you will be surprised at how many parents assume their children know what is right and wrong without clearly defining it for them. Then, they enforce a consequence only when they have the energy and time to do it, and just pick a consequence at random depending on their mood.

Children, by definition, test limits of how much they can get away with. Just as adults do. How many times do we jump a red light at the traffic signal just to test if we can get away with it, pretty sure that nine times out of 10, we will not have to face any consequence? If we knew for sure that every time we jumped a red light we would have to pay a fine, then we would not take that chance because the one minute we would save would probably not be worth the fine. Somehow, when it comes to our children, we expect them to comply without knowing the rules, without knowing the consequences, and even without knowing if there will be a consequence at all.

If your child is expected to come home from playing at 7 pm, your child must know that if they don’t come back by 7 pm they will not be allowed to watch TV that evening (as an example of a consequence), and that they will face this consequence 100 per cent of the time. If your child knows that, then he or she may then decide that the extra 5 minutes of play is not worth the trade-off, and over a period of time the behavior will change. However, if your child feels that there is a 75 per cent chance that they will be able to get away with it without any consequence, they will test the limits.

Remember, I said learning happens with the knowledge of the certainty of consequence, and frequency of consequence. So in the above example if the consequence was that your child will not be allowed to watch TV for the following week, then as parents you have lost the chance to enforce a consequence for the rest of the week. This means your child will get only one learning opportunity in the whole week. And also, in all probability, you will get so tired of having to enforce this for a week, that after the second or third day you will give in and send your child down to play on your own.

So for disciplining (and I am saying disciplining - not punishing), there are a few important things parents need to understand.

Firstly, you need to pick your battles carefully. There may be fifty different behaviors you want rectified, but you don’t want your home and life to become a battlefield. So, you must pick the top five behaviors that you absolutely need to address and just stick with those. Often, this means letting go of some of your own hang-ups and irrational expectations from your children.

Secondly, clearly define the limits of acceptable and unacceptable behavior for your child. Define what the consequence will be for crossing the line. Make sure the consequence you pick is something you as a parent are confident of being able to enforce all the time (this is often the most challenging part).

Thirdly, make sure the consequence is enforced every time the line is crossed. Finally, remember that the limits that are defined and set have to be in the context of the child’s age and must be age appropriate. As children grow older, limits may need to be revised, and defining the limits will need to be more about having a conversation and negotiation around those limits as opposed to dictating what is acceptable.

Lastly, to the parent who sent me the query I would like to say that there are no ‘problematic’ children, there are only ‘problematic’ behaviors –these can be addressed by effective disciplining, not painful punishment.

Your world just fell apart - your child received a diagnosis of mental illness

[The following article was first published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/your-world-just-fell-apartyour-child-received-a-diagnosis-of-mental-illness/ ]

It is definitely easier to deal with the diagnosis of an illness in yourself, your partner, your parents or your siblings. But dealing with the diagnosis of an illness or disability in your child is a completely different ball game. And when it is a mental illness it seems to take on a whole different dimension. There seems to be an added layer of complexity which need not necessarily be so. I am going to make an attempt here to understand this phenomenon a little better.

So, what happens when you first hear that your child has a mental illness? I can imagine you get flooded with a wave of emotions—fear and anxiety, shame and embarrassment, confusion and bewilderment, disbelief and pain. Dread, dread of what lies ahead, dread of what the world will say—to you, about you, to your child, about your child. A sinking feeling. Why me? Why my child? And guilt. How did I forget guilt? Guilt for having done something wrong as a parent; guilt for having the wrong genes; guilt for being at fault; guilt for not creating the right environment; and guilt for putting your child through this.

Phew! That’s a lot of emotions! And most of us never stop to recognize that they even exist, let alone remember to take out time to deal with them.

We are caught up with denial on the one hand, and with the cloud of worry that seems to have shrouded our future aspirations for our child, on the other. Will my child become independent and be able to achieve his or her potential? What kind of a life will my child have? What would it mean for my future as a parent? As an individual? As a spouse? Often, the marital relationship takes a huge toll, as the couple, so over-wrought with guilt on being the carrier of the ‘defective’ gene, indulges in the blame game. And hard as it may be to believe, given the futility of this game, this happens even amongst the most educated and enlightened ones!

Denial prevents us from facing the situation head on. What we need to do is to understand the diagnosis, get a second opinion, confirm it, and figure out the best way forward. We need to read, read and read some more, on how to understand the situation for ourselves, how to deal with it, and how to explain it to our child. Also, how to explain it to others in the family or support network who may need to know how best to support the child; how to explain it to the world at large.

While all this is going on, it is important to keep our sight firmly planted on the backdrop that says, “This is no one’s fault—not yours, not your child’s. Acceptance is the only path forward!” To use the now famous metaphor—most children are like dandelions that are able to take root and survive anywhere. But your child is like an orchid—fragile but beautiful, and capable of blooming spectacularly if given the special care needed by an orchid. The right parenting and right environment can help ‘orchid’ children grow into creative, successful and lovable members of society.

So what does this mean? How do you create the right environment to nurture the orchids?

• Acceptance is key—accept the child; accept the diagnosis; and, make sure the child understands it is not their fault.
• Acknowledge the child’s feelings, non-judgmentally. Children tend to hold themselves together in school and in front of others; they need the space, freedom, and permission to let their guard down and collapse at home, if they have to. This does not mean that they are ‘acting up’ at home, or that they are playing ‘victim’. Be sensitive to their privacy needs, as well.
• Listen actively
• Love unconditionally
• Keep the lines of communication open. Talk to children about things other than academics such as feelings, ideas, moral dilemmas, and maybe even failure.
• Praise generously, immediately and publicly, even for small accomplishments, but reprimand, if you must, gently and privately; positive feedback is always more powerful than negative feedback.
• Focus on discovering your child’s strengths and talking about them often, knowing that each child is unique and has its strengths.
• Support the child socially, since they may struggle in building relationships—it does not help to let them sink or swim on their own in the sea of peer relationships. They need a life-vest and that ought to be you!
• And, most importantly, get the right professional help not only for your child, but also for yourself.

Yes, for yourself, because to be able to do all of this for your child, it is imperative that you accept and befriend your own emotions. Take care of yourself and remember to recharge your own batteries. You need to bear in mind that none of this is a reflection of your own failure as a parent, as a spouse, or even as a human being. You need to spare yourself the unnecessary, unproductive and emotional turmoil that may be brewing within you. Everyone has problems in life, and you need to consciously remember that. Everyone is fighting some private battle at some point in their life, so in that you are not alone. You need to stop catastrophizing outcomes and learn to live in the moment, knowing that you cannot control the future no matter how hard you try. In addition to everything else, you also may need to focus on helping other children in the house cope, and keep the marriage intact, if possible. All this without professional help for yourself may be a tall order!

Your definition of success and failure impacts your child's. Do you know your definition?

[ The following article originally appeared at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/your-definition-of-success-and-failure-impacts-your-child-do-you-know-your-definition/ ]

Everyone wants to be a success. No one wants to be afailure. And understandably so. Success and failure, however, are terms meant to define events, not people. You are either successful at doing something, or achieving some milestone, or you failed at doing something or did not achieve some milestone. That does not imply that you are a complete success or a complete failure. There are other aspects of you that you may not be so successful at, or that you may not be such a failure at. The most successfulperson (if there can be such a term) may have a large bank balance, but may be a complete failure as a parent or a spouse. And a person who has been an absolute failure at business, may be an unbelievably good parent or an amazing friend.

So success and failure are terms used to describe how we did at a particular event in our life – not how we are in totality. But every so often we are unable to see the difference.

We often believe that we are a success, and our child must be a success. And the hint of failure in any small aspect of our life, or theirs, sends us into a tizzy. Or we believe that we have been a failure and therefore want to make sure that our children don’t end up as failures! If a child fails in an exam we call them failures; we project that they will remain failures for the rest of their lives. Whereas they may have just failed at an exam, and there may be several other aspects of life that they may have been successful at or successful in. We don’t allow ourselves to see or acknowledge that they may be great in sports, they may be wonderfully empathic human beings, they may be great artists and wonderful singers, they may be good orators or creative problem solvers, they may be honest and helpful, or that they may have wonderful people skills. We overlook all of this and brand them as a failure because they failed at an exam!

Similarly, if we lose our job, we brand ourselves as a failure, sometimes to the point of never being able to recover again. We interpret that failure at that particular job as a verdict on us, and our entire life, never allowing us to bounce back and think of ourselves in any other terms.

To accept our children in totality (and accept we must) with all their strengths and weaknesses, we need to understand success and failure as terms used to define events and not people. Which means that we need to look at ourselves also as people who have been successful in some aspects of our lives, and failures at others. We need to acknowledge and accept things that we failed at and we need to be comfortable talking about our failures. Can we accept our past failures, and take stock of what we learned from the experience? Are we comfortable with having failed in certain aspects and able to talk to our children about our failures? Can we make our failures, and how we dealt with them, an integral part of dinner-time conversations? Only then can we help our children accept failure as just another event in their lives – a learning opportunity that came their way – rather than something that fatally defines them in totality.

Some failure is inevitable – in our life, and in the life of our children. Equipping our children with life skills that will help use the failure to gain a deeper understanding of themselves, and gain new learnings from the situation, will be an invaluable gift that we can give them – far more valuable than the biggest bank balance that we may be slaving for. It will teach them the importance of resilience – of bouncing back in the face of adversity, and not letting adversity define them. And the sooner they learn this life lesson, the better off they will be.

But, children learn from what they see and experience, not from what we say or scream about. So that means they will learn life lessons around success and failure from how we, as parents, experience and deal with success and failure ourselves. They need to see us model behavior that takes failure in its stride. They need to see us learn from our failures. They need to see us fall down and then bounce back again – sometimes to newer heights, and sometimes to fall down again. They also need to see us succeed at some things, and take success in its stride. They need to see us experience joy in our successes.

In short, they need to see us experience failure and success, but most of all they need to see success and failure as temporary events in our life, not permanent life-defining states of being. In the words of John Wooden, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts.”

Courage in the face of adversity, and humility in the face of prosperity, is what we need to model as parents. Only then will our children experience it from us, and only then will they learn to live it. And then, and only then, will we have helped them grow into resilient adults, ready to face all the challenges and joys, successes and failures, that life will throw in their path.

Never underestimate the power of our influence – negative and positive – on the lives of our children. Let’s strive to maximize the positive and minimize the negative.

Is your child's adolescence challenging you?

[The following article written by me was first published on the website whiteswanfoundation.org ]

My daughter is seventeen, and doesn’t stop reminding me that she will be eighteen in less than six months. What! Is that true! Am I almost done with navigating the minefield of adolescence? Well, I am at the last mile before she becomes an adult. I guess it is a good time to reflect on adolescence, and why some parents find it so challenging – almost to the point of dreading it! 

Adolescence is not a “bad” phase that you need to grin and bear. It is the phase that ultimately helps the child and the parent to grow, and if handled properly, emerge with a stronger relationship as adults. But to get to the other side of adolescence successfully, we need to understand this phase not only in terms of physiological and cognitive development, but also in terms of identify formation and a redefining of relationships with parents, peers and partners.

The physiological changes are obvious, and I am not going to spend my word count on them. Cognitive development is a little less understood. Adolescence marks the second wave of rapid brain development in a person’s life – the beginning of more complex thinking processes. Even though their amygdala (the part of the brain that processes emotions like fear, anger and pleasure) is not as developed as that of an adult, and their ability to recognize and read emotions is wanting, there is explosive growth happening in other parts of the brain.

Early adolescents are focused on personal decision making in school and home – they start questioning authority and social standards; they start forming and verbalizing their own thoughts and views on topics related to their life (what sport should I play, which peer group should I join, which parental rule should I insist be changed).

Middle adolescents expand their focus to include more philosophical and futuristic concerns – they question and analyze more; they begin to form their own code of ethics; think about different possibilities and begin to form their own identity; they think about possible future goals and start making longer term plans.

Late adolescents use their complex thinking processes to focus more on less self-centered, and more global, concepts like justice and politics; they develop idealistic views; they debate and discuss a great deal and show an intolerance to opposing views; they focus on making career decisions and thinking about their emerging role in adult society. They introspect, and are self-conscious, which may end up in a sort of egocentrism, or intense preoccupation with the self. They also start looking at problems from multiple dimensions. They don’t accept facts as absolute truths and therefore, also question parental values and authority. And this is where we parents start feeling challenged.

An adolescent’s search for identity when they start to ponder the big question, “Who am I?” is a big part of this phase  – achieving a coherent identity and avoiding identity confusion, their main aim. Parents would like to believe that they are the sole influencers in this process. However, this search for identity is also affected by their peers, their school, the neighborhood, the community, and the media. For the adolescent to complete this process successfully, they must go through two steps. The first involves questioning, and breaking away, from childhood beliefs that don’t resonate with them, and consequently coming up with a set of beliefs that do. And the second involves committing to the identity that they choose for themselves.

This is a time of intensive analysis and exploration of different ways of looking at oneself. It involves dramatic change and uncertainty, integrating one’s past experiences, current challenges and social demands and expectations into one coherent whole. Also the identity the adolescent chooses must be recognized, confirmed and accepted by others, for the teenager to feel comfortable, confident and worthy. Which is why this is the stage when they are intensely searching for role models, turn to peer groups and rebel against traditional authority.

A person’s identity development starts early on, with a child’s initial awareness that they are separate and unique individuals, as different from their parents. As they grow into teenagers, they reach a point when they want to be defined as anything but their parents. They may not even want to be seen with their parents, and anything the parent does or says is definitely embarrassing. This process of separation (and possible rejection) is hurtful for us parents, but we need to consistently remind ourselves that it is a natural process – between every teenager and parent; not only between our teenager and us.

As parents it is imperative that we support them in this process of their individuation if we want them to be fully-functioning adults who go on to achieve their potential. An identity crisis is one of the most important conflicts that adolescents face in their development. It leads to self-doubt, a demanding of space, a sometimes false sense of bravado, and often even a sense of invincibility, and all this sporadically peppered with rudeness, arrogance and a sense of entitlement.

The more we are aware of this being a natural process, the less we need to feel threatened by it and resist it, the easier it is for us to retain our sanity, and the more supportive we can be in their journey. So let’s accept that no matter what we do, we will be a source of embarrassment; that friends will be more important than us; that we need to be available (on call 24x7) yet invisible; that there will be an interest in the opposite sex; that they will always want to know what’s in it for them, and that they will reject every idea that we come up with.

If we can see this as the ‘new normal’- a period of ‘normal’ stress – understand it, accept it, and go with the flow, rather than take it as a challenge to our authority, we may be able to do them, and ourselves, a big service. As for myself, I can say I am glad I am almost done with it!

Be your own hero - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 10, 2016]

Dear Madam,
My daughter is currently studying in PUC (commerce) second year in Mount Carmel College. She has scored 90 per cent in SSLC and 91 per cent in PUC first year. She is interested in arts (dancing, singing, acting) but due to our pressure, she goes to college. Initially, she had decided to take up CA so as to avoid science but she’s now decided to wait for second year PUC results to zero in on a field. Could you please suggest a future course of action for her? 
N Manjunath

Dear Manjunath,
I am not a career counsellor, and as such, have very little to add in terms of what would be a good career choice for her. It is best you involve her in the decision, rather than some random stranger like myself. She knows her passion and interests best, and she is the one who has to live with the choice that she makes. So, it is only fair that she have a say in it. If your daughter is passionate and talented in the creative fields and is able to maintain good academic scores as well, then you really should not be worrying about her. The important thing for you at this stage, as a parent, is to maintain an open communication with her and be on the same side of the decision-making process as her, rather than on the opposite side.

It is best not to make it a us (i.e., parents) versus her situation, but rather create an environment in which you all participate in this decision-making process together to arrive at what you all collectively feel and think would be the best bet for her future success. There is not much to be gained in her getting ‘stuck’ in a field in which she has no interest, only due to ‘parental pressure’. I am sure you have your reasons for wanting her to pursue a particular field, and she will have her reasons to want to pursue other fields. The key lies in everyone being on the same side and understanding each other’s point of view and allowing for differences in perspective. There really is no replacement for genuine authentic communication. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I was raised to be very dependent on my parents. While some kids were already doing things like cooking or cleaning by themselves at age 12, my parents always did those things for me and my brother. It’s not a bad thing but I am almost 18 now and worried that I won’t be able to do much for myself or live on my own after high school. Kindly help.
An overly dependent child

Dear overly dependent child, 
It is really heart-warming to receive your letter. In this generation, I think there may be many children in your situation, who may not even recognise this as a problem. Given that the current generation of parents typically have only one or two children, there is a tendency to ‘over-parent’, ‘over-protect’ and ‘over-do’. However, the fact that you recognise it, and are aware of the negatives of this (even though there are also great advantages to be at the receiving end of such love and attention) leaves me with no doubt that you will live up to whatever is demanded of you when the situation and the need arises. And if you are concerned about not being able to do it later, maybe you should start doing it now. Start doing the things that you would like to be able to do for yourself, and don’t be ‘too dependent’ on your parents. 

Dependence is a two-way process between the one who creates the dependence and the one who accepts and receives it. So, do your bit to wean off the dependence and you will be surprised at how independent you can be. Go ahead, give it a shot! All the best.

Dear Madam,
Many people around me have been asking me about my career choice of lately. But I am struggling to zero in on a field. I am the kind of person who will enjoy anything as long as a good atmosphere with the right kind of people is guaranteed. I have always enjoyed and understood science, particularly chemistry and have recently become very interested in psychology. Initially, I thought I could combine the two and possibly study medicine and then psychiatry. However, I am unsure as to whether psychiatry is the right career for me and whether I would enjoy it in the future. I guess I would prefer to work in a lab rather than in a space that requires me to interact directly with  people, although the concept of being a teacher strangely appeals to me. Kindly help me out.
A confused student

Dear confused student,
You might want to begin with some aptitude testing to see what your natural inclinations are and what you enjoy. For this, you should probably take the help of a career counsellor. Also, spend some time understanding yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses, what you enjoy and what interests you, and what you are passionate about. You seem to be in an enviable situation where you have the option of having many choices in front of you, each of which could be an equally good option. 

Try talking to people you know (or someone you know knows), who are working in the various fields you are considering — ask them what it involves, what are good skill sets to have, what a typical day looks like, the growth prospects and the challenges of their field. And then make an informed decision. 

However, remember that there is no one ‘perfect’ answer to your question; there may be several equally good options. The important thing is to go down one path and give it your best shot knowing that you have the potential to make a success of whatever you set your mind and heart to. And if you do decide on a path and realise after some time, for whatever reason, that you made a sub-optimal choice, you can switch paths. It may entail a little hardship and loss of time and money, but it is possible. In the words of John Wooden, it is important to remember that no matter what, “Success is never final, and failure is never fatal, it’s courage that counts.” Wish you good luck!

Pefect or Good Enough? Selfless or Selfish?

This article written by me first appeared at 

http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/perfect-or-good-enough-selfless-or-selfish/ 

I am mindful of the fact that after reading some of my columns you may start doubting your own capability as a parent; you may be so overcome with fear that you start believing that no matter what you do, you are going to have an adverse influence on your child. As though you are not worried enough already about your child’s future and your capability to deal with it, without my having to scare you and paint a picture of gloom and doom.

My intention in this column, dear readers, is not in any way to take you away from the joys of parenting, or create a doubt in your mind about your ability. Quite to the contrary, it is to make you mindful and aware of how simple things can go wrong, and how easy it is to fix those simple things, provided we are willing to fix them.

Parenting is a journey, like the rest of life. We can view it as a leisurely, luxurious trip, taking time to enjoy the scenery as we go along, and crossing roadblocks as they come along the course. Or, we can view it as a long, arduous trip that we just need to somehow complete, with each roadblock becoming a further nuisance on our course, delaying our arrival at the destination. The choice is ours.No matter what outlook we choose to have with respect to the journey, our views and expectations of ourselves hold a vital key. Are we constantly expecting ourselves to be perfect? In which case we will always fall short of our own expectations since there is no such thing as a perfect’ person. Or, are we willing to accept ourselves the way we are, with all our strengths, ability, intuition and gut feeling, yet with some weaknesses, doubts and anxieties. Are we willing to accept a less than perfect version of ourselves when it comes to our being a parent? Are we able to accept our own mistakes and shortcomings as a normal part of our journey of life and growth?

Nothing makes one feel as vulnerable as when one becomes a parent – “Now I need to be perfect,” “This is one area where I can’t afford to make any mistakes,” “I must never give anyone a chance to say that I did not do my best as a parent,” “Now everyone is going to judge me not on the basis of me, but on the basis of my child.” Yet, nothing also makes one feel as responsible as when one becomes a parent. I remember the immense sense of responsibility I felt when I looked at my new-born baby – this was a life that I was totally responsible for, and a life that was totally dependent on me for its very existence! And then I was overcome with fear – what if something went wrong? What if I am not able to cope? What if something happened to me? Would my child even remember me?

I think the one constant factor through the entire journey of parenting is being overcome with conflicting thoughts and emotions – hope and fear; love and anger; joy and sorrow; optimism and pessimism; trust and doubt; selflessness while secretly wanting some me time; fostering independence while longing for dependence; fulfilling your own dreams while wanting your children to live theirs; the elation of soaring high and the deflation of falling flat on your face – quite like a roller coaster ride.

So is parenting a selfless pursuit, or a selfish one? The first time that question was raised to me, of course I said it was absolutely selfless – how outrageous to think otherwise. But as I think about it now, I am not sure anymore. And maybe I don’t need to be – maybe it is a bit of both. And that is okay!

I believe that in being able to deal with this ambiguity, and the consequent shades of gray, lies a possible answer to enjoying the journey of parenting. You are neither perfect nor awful, and you don’t need to be; you don’t need to label yourself in the extremes. You are good enough and at any point of time, you need to believe that you are doing what you believe is right given your current understanding of the situation. When your understanding changes, or the situation changes, you may choose to do things differently, but as of now you are doing your best – and whether it is selfless or selfish is only a matter of inconsequential semantics. Believing in yourself and enjoying the journey is all that matters in the end. Really!

Are you passing on your anxieties and fears to your children?

[http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/experts-speak-details/are-you-passing-on-your-anxieties-and-fears-to-your-children/

There are two types of anxieties and fears that I want to dissect and explore in this column. The first are those that we grow up with, and are not able to overcome in adulthood and parenthood. And the second are those around our children and their future.

For the first, I don’t really need to look very far. Let me begin with my own anxiety around dogs. I know exactly where it came from. My father was terrified of dogs. While he had his own justification for the fear, and could narrate countless incidents due to which he did not like dogs, I developed that fear almost by default, through a process of osmosis. I never really gave it much thought. For me, it seemed quite the natural way of being. The only time it bothered me was when I wanted to visit a friend who had a dog. But she would put the dog in another room when I visited and that would settle that! My fear was only a minor irritant, not a show stopper, so life went on fairly peacefully.

And then I became a parent. Did I want to pass on my fear of dogs to my daughter? No, not really. So every time we visited someone who had a dog, I would put on a brave front and wear a straight face while every muscle in my body was taut. I would tentatively encourage my daughter to pet the dog, while never mustering up the courage to do it myself. The fact that my husband did not have the same fear was helpful because he could bring about an air of genuineness to that interaction, while I could not. Finally, my daughter was at ease. Not only was she comfortable around dogs, she also loved them and wanted one of her own. In one stroke of bravado I agreed, thinking that that would settle the discussion, and we could move on without actually doing anything about it. But she persisted and three years later, after I had exhausted every excuse in the book, we were on our way to pick up Cinnamon, our now five-year-old Beagle. I silently cried on the way home that day, as I feared what the future had in store for me. Would I ever be at ease in my home again?

But that’s history. I am now a dog-lover who coos over every cute dog that comes my way, and every cute doggie picture that crosses my eyes. Would I have rather not had a dog! No way! I am rather proud of this transition of mine from dog-fearer to dog-lover; and of not passing on my dog-related anxieties to my daughter. However, it need not have ended this way. Had I not been aware of my own fears and anxieties, and not had a desire to overcome them, my children may have feared dogs as much as I did – if not more!

The second type of anxiety I talked about is our anxiety around our children’s future. What will become of them if they don’t study hard? What will happen if they fail in the test? What will happen if they don’t finish their homework or project in time? What will happen if they don’t get into a good college? What kind of job will they get if they don’t get into the best engineering college in the country? It is a competitive world after all.

How will they manage in the world if they don’t learn how to struggle? How will they build relationships if they are so selfish? What will the world say about me and my parenting if my child does not end up with a respectable job/career/profession? What will happen if my child falls into bad company? What will happen to my child after I am gone? What will happen if my child falls sick? What will happen if…

So many anxieties, and each one of them natural and justified. Being anxious is half the story of parenting. We need to just be mindful about not making it the whole story.

Is our anxiety about our child’s future preventing us from being with our child in the present? Do we avoid playing with them because we need to push them to spend all their time studying and doing homework, because they need to get into the best college ten years down the line (which of course we cannot control)? Do we avoid spending time with them because we need to ensure that we have a big enough bank balance to secure the future (which again we can’t control)? Do we avoid connecting with them now because we are so distracted by our anxieties about the future, that we can’t waste time being with them in the present? We need to somehow control that future. Somehow.

To me it appears that the best way to do that, ironically, is not to try and control the environment, which of course we cannot, no matter how hard we try. But, instead, to try and secure our relationship with our child.

We should try to deal with our anxieties outside of the parent-child relationship. Recognize them, understand them, and consciously set them aside either by talking to a counsellor or a trusted friend. And then learn to be with your child in the present, in the moment, mindfully and whole-heartedly. Give your children a relationship they can count on, and feel secure enough to come back to in case of a failure. Just that knowledge will give them the strength, confidence and courage to march on ahead, full-steam – pushing their boundaries and achieving their potential in an area of their choice.

And I repeat, I said a relationship they can count on, not a bank balance!

Does hitting impact the mental health of your children?

[The following article written by me was carried on the website of the White Swan Foundation http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/does-hitting-impact-the-mental-health-of-your-children/]

Children are routinely hit, at home and at school. After all, that is the most effective way to discipline them, isn’t it? Well, it certainly is the easiest way. How effective it is, is a whole different story.
I have met several children who are routinely hit for the slightest misdemeanor on their part. And adults who were hit when they were children – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod (as I mentioned in my last column). Apart from the fact that this gets me really agitated (and is really my issue to deal with), I began to think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to hit their children, and the psychological and emotional impact of this on their children.
So why would a parent physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons.

One of these, and a very significant one, is that that was the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know to discipline their own children. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but if they took a minute to recollect those instances, those feelings of many years ago would resurface: the fear, the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the feeling of not being good enough, the sadness, and yes, even the hatred for those who used to hit them!

The second reason is anxiety and helplessness — anxiety about their child’s performance and future, and helplessness at their inability to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety of what will become of their child in the future, and probably above all, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out ‘right’ or ‘perfect’. This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stresses, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with life and this is their way of expressing their anger. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, be expressing their anger onto their children, who feel powerless to respond. This may make the parents feel more in control of their actions, at a time when they feel helpless and out of control in the face of other situations.

There are several myths surrounding the ‘need’ to resort to hitting, and its importance, in bringing up children. Some parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful of them. This makes them feel in control. On the contrary, though, these children may end up believing that their parents are completely ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their ability to guide and mentor them.
Some parents believe that if they beat their child, the child will be scared of them, and will be able to focus on work, achieve something in life, and stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track, and do exactly what they want, just ensuring that their parents never come to know of it! The child feels motivated to do ’wrong’ behind the parents’ back. Fear also distracts the child and stops them from being able to concentrate. Fear may motivate them enough to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.

Some parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way. It teaches them that violence is okay. It teaches them that they don’t need to respect the feelings of others. It teaches them that they are not worthy of being liked or respected.

Some parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this only results in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. For disciplining to be effective, consequences must be known ahead of time, and there must be certainty of their being enforced a hundred per cent of the time.

Some parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehavior. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. And this involves a completely different shift in mindset for the parents. The painfulness of the hitting becomes completely irrelevant. The knowledge around certainty of punishment becomes more important than its randomness and painfulness.

So, there are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to hitting as a way of parenting and instilling discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, children learn that violence is an acceptable reaction to a trigger, and so start practicing it themselves. They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, and become targets for others. They work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They may slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a duty-bound relationship with their parents, as opposed to a relationship built on love, connection, communication, trust and caring.

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties and the short-comings of your past, whether that means practicing meditation, talking to a friend, or seeking the help of a counsellor. Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behavior.

I would prefer to believe that parents hit their children mindlessly; that it is an automatic response to a momentary stimulus, rather than a thought-out action with the intent of hurting their child. And, therefore, this is an attempt at making parents aware of the possible long-term implications of these momentary thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behavior, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.

Building Blocks - Are your frustrations affecting your child's mental health - www.whiteswanfoundation.org

[This piece by me was originally published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/are-your-frustrations-affecting-your-childs-mental-health/]

In my introductory piece, I had promised to explore the link between parenting and mental health, so here’s my take on the possible impact of a parent’s frustrations on a child’s mental health.

An adolescent child (in Standard 6) was sent to me by her teacher because of poor academic performance. The teacher felt she was very distracted and unable to focus and, having spoken to the parents a few times, she thought there may be more to the child’s problems than met the eye. So this young girl came to meet me and fortunately we were able to connect quite quickly.

 On a little bit of probing, this young girl showed me some scars on her legs. Those were scars from her mother using a hot iron rod on her. I was unsettled. No matter how experienced you are as a counsellor, some situations still have the power to leave you numb. This was one such. Being a mother, with a daughter of almost a similar age, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. 

This needed a lot of work. I was preparing myself for the long-haul. I decided to meet the parents to understand the complete picture, or at least however much they would share with me. What could possibly compel a mother inflict such pain on her child?

After some persistent calling, the parents finally came. I learnt that the parents were both working full time. When the child’s academic performance started dropping, and she was assessed for a learning disability, the school called the parents and informed them of the need for more personalized attention. The school also started putting subtle pressure on the mother to pay more attention to the child. The mother, frustrated, gave up her full time job to attend to the child.

What were her frustrations? They were not only about having to give up her job for the sake of the child, but also around gender equations (why does the mother have to compromise on career and not the father?); self-esteem (having the external validation that a job could provide, and parenting could not); dissatisfaction with her marital relationship (why did the husband pressurize her to leave? Why does he not give her the validation she needs?); and anger at her parents/in-laws (why couldn’t they come and attend to her child?) 

So much baggage! And there was probably more, but we could only get that far in our short time together since she didn’t come back after the first session.

And who was bearing the brunt of this baggage? An unsuspecting 13-year-old child who couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why her mother hated her so much, when all her friends’ mothers seemed to adore their children. This child lived in fear of not knowing when her mother would lash out at her; she lived in pain – emotional and physical. And having been conditioned not to wash the family’s dirty linen in public, had no one to talk to and lighten her burden. She thought she was a curse to the family and that she was not good enough. It is no mystery, at least not to me, about why the child was so distracted in school.

I never met her after the first couple of sessions, because the parents chose to change her school. They did not come back, either for individual sessions or for family sessions which I was pushing hard for. After all, the school was the problem, not them!

Several questions remained with me, some of which I will raise here. 

How would the situation have changed had the mother chosen to confront her own issues by recognizing them, accepting them and addressing them? I don’t for a moment grudge the mother her frustrations. Of course, they are valid. But if she had chosen to address them, she may not have been driven to pour them out onto her child. And the first step towards addressing them is recognizing them, acknowledging them, accepting them and then understanding what’s going on.

What has been the long-term impact of this dumping of personal frustration on the child’s mental health and wellbeing? While I have no data, I can only speculate. She may grow into an adult with very low self-esteem which will impact her future relationships, both on the personal and professional front. She may not be able to trust other relationships in her life. She may not achieve her potential because she will not have the safety net that is so essential to be able to step out of her comfort zone. She may become an overly anxious adult. And worse still, she may perpetuate the cycle of dumping her own frustrations on her children – having not known or experienced any other form of parenting herself.

For all you know, the mother was just perpetuating her own experience of growing up, as well.The sooner we recognize the pattern, and break the cycle, the sooner we can reclaim the wellbeing of our children. In the interest of our children’s mental health, let’s grab the reins and take the task of confronting our frustrations into our own hands. If not for ourselves, at least for our children. It’s not that we should not feel frustrated, or that it is wrong to feel that way. Getting frustrated by various situations is normal and natural. But just being mindful of that frustration and what it is leading us to do, will help us rein it in when needed.

The example I have given may seem a bit extreme, and we may tend to think that it does not relate to our situation, and therefore, we don’t need to pay attention to it. Yes, it is extreme, and the reason it stayed with me is precisely because of that. But sometimes to pay heed to something we need an ‘extreme’ reminder. The frustrations could come in much milder forms as well – a single mother trying to cope with the recent loss of her husband, having to bring up two adolescent children and hold herself together all the time; a mother having to focus equally on all of her five children while the father is away in another country; a step mother needing to prove her worth in her marital relationship by ensuring her step-child does well in academics; a stay-at-home mother fearing the loss of control and the loss of the purpose of her existence as her last child prepares to flee the coop. It could be anything, just anything. 

Frustrations come in many forms – we need to recognize them, accept them, and own them as ours. Let’s spare our children from them.

Building Blocks - Why Parenting and Mental Health Belong Together - www.whiteswanfoundation.org

Thrilled to announce my new column called Building Blocks which explores the linkages between mental health and parenting. This is a fortnightly column - February 15, 2015 originally published at
http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-columns/building-blocks/

For more stimulating content on mental health visit www.whiteswanfoundation.org

Why parenting and mental health belong together

My tryst with mental health started in 1997 when I became a parent, and decided to take time off from my full-time, demanding, corporate career to be just that – a parent. Becoming a parent changed my perspective on everything – on life in general and my life in particular, on relationships in general and my relationships in particular, on values and beliefs in general and my values and beliefs in particular; on how others were parenting and what I was doing, right or wrong, or whether I was even being able to be the perfect parent that I aspired to be. As a young parent, I often felt time came to a standstill, as nothing changed on a daily basis for me, and I moved from one chore of parenting to another. Yet, on the other hand, there was this constant joyous reminder of time moving on, maybe a little too fast, as the baby grew from milestone to milestone. She is now well into her teens and will soon fly the coop. Children grow fast, and in their growth lies our growth, in amazing and unimaginable ways.

Parenting is all about challenges and confusion, frustration and anxiety, joy and pain, love and anguish, thankless ‘doing’, endless ‘being’ and unconditional ‘loving’. And the manner in which each one of us handles the demands and pleasures of parenting has an impact on not only the mental health and well-being of our children, but also our own.

In 2007, during the course of my journey as a parent, I also formally entered the field of mental health when I started my outward journey to become a counsellor, and my inward journey of discovering new meaning for myself. I have since worn several hats and played several roles in the area of mental health. I have been a school counsellor for five years, and have also been helping adults, couples and families discover new meaning for themselves. I write a regular column in a national daily addressing concerns from adolescents and young adults around exams, stress, goals, and the like. Many of my clients have been parents dealing with the challenges of parenting. Many others have been children and adults struggling to cope with dysfunctional parenting. I have run workshops for parents and teachers on different aspects of mental health and well-being, with the aim of helping them facilitate the mental health of those in their charge, while being mindful about their own mental health.

The most recent illustration of the link between our children’s mental health and our style of parenting that I encountered was with a client who was referred to me recently. The young man had been suicidal just a couple of days before seeing me and so after the initial emergency care, the psychiatrist had sent him to me for help. He was a young man who had not been allowed to complete even his school education because his parents thought, obviously in their best judgment, that it would be great for their son to start working with a relative overseas in their family business. A lot transpired, and this young man eventually flew back home as he concluded that the uncle was involved in an illegal activity of enormous proportion. But the client’s traditional joint family systems put the sanctity of family relationships above all else and kept pushing the young man to go back and work with the uncle. My client eventually ran away from home to start afresh and cut off ties with his family. This is the point at which he came to me. His parents’ style of parenting would not allow him to question their decisions, or express his own opinions or feelings. The pressure of what was expected of him by his entire joint family support system, vs. what he believed was good for him was so intense that he found no escape other than to end it all. He did not, after all, have permission to challenge or even question what his parents wanted him to do. He was just expected to comply. He said he felt like he was in a jail with strong metal bars all around, and all he wanted to do was to break them and run away. Our work together was short, but very simple and meaningful. All it did was to give him the suggestion that it was okay to ‘not obey’ and break free from his mental jail. He felt freed and relaxed, and ready to live again, but on his own terms.

This column is an endeavor to explore the connection between our children’s mental health and our styles of parenting. It will also explore the impact our parents had on shaping who we are today, and our mental health as adults. While as parents we do our best and do what we believe is in our children’s best interests, we may not always be promoting, encouraging and even allowing them to live a mentally healthy life and become mentally healthy adults. Yet, we must at all times believe that we are ‘good enough’ parents and feel a sense of confidence in our ability to bring up confident, healthy, productive and fully functional individuals. In our ability to strike this balance between confidence and self-doubt, between knowing and not having a clue, between hanging on and letting go, between teaching and being willing to learn, between accepting and challenging, between being in the present and worrying about the future (our own and that of our children) lies the key to our mental health, and that of our children.

A lot of what I write about will be based on my experiences (what worked and didn’t work) as a child, as a parent, and as a counselor. However, in the interest of maintaining confidentiality and anonymity, I may never specify which is which.

As we explore this topic together, I would like to hear any questions you may want to pose to me. I endeavor to address at least one of your questions with every installment. So join me on a journey of learning and discovery for all of us.

Focus on your dreams - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 19, 2013] 

Dear Madam,

I am a professor (PhD in Pharmacy) and my husband is an engineer (Mechanical). My son is doing Engineering from a reputed college but he is not doing well. He has already lost two years and is still in the first year. He was not good at studies while in school also and he got only 50% for PUC. We put him to Engineering thinking that somehow he will manage. But he has become disinterested in studies now and says he wants to go for modeling and enter film industry. He is good looking and tall. So he is getting the confidence as all his friends say he can become a hero. Since I am in the education field since 25 years, I feel bad about him dropping studies. What do you suggest? Because of this I have health issues also. Please advice.
A concerned mother

Dear Mom,

As parents, we have to learn to let children live their dreams, not ours. We have to be able to separate our issues and concerns from those of our children. We have to be able to address our anxieties and disappointments for ourselves, and not pass them onto our children. Ultimately all parents want their children to be happy and do well, but the mistake we make is we feel that the path we suggest/know/want is the only way to be happy and do well.

We have to learn to watch while our children make mistakes, and then recover from the process, in their journey towards their goals and dreams.

I understand that you are an educationist and both you and your husband are well educated. You would have liked the same for your child, because that is the only proven way for you towards success and happiness. However, if you are able to separate your life’s journey from his, you will let him embark on his journey with confidence. His desired journey is not ‘wrong’ - it is just different from the one you would have chosen either for yourself, or for him.

Also it would be helpful to remember that his choice of goals and paths is not a measure of whether you have been a ‘good enough’ or ‘successful’ parent, or not. Often we are concerned about what society will say about me as a parent if my child chooses this path. Society will only reflect back to you, what you feel about it. If you are comfortable with it, you will not allow what anyone says to impact you.

Ultimately being in a career in which he is not interested, or not able to do well, for whatever reasons, is not the path to happiness for anyone. Do you want him to blame you for his lack of success in his career all his life, or do you want him to take ownership and responsibility for his life and do what he believes will make him happy?

We have to accept that our children, whom we love with all our heart, may make choices that are different from ones we would have made, and that they may even fail in some of those choices, but that is their journey of life, which will teach them lessons along the way. We must just remember to still love them as best we can.

Dear Madam,

I am a second PUC Science student. I had no dreams till Class X, but suddenly there was a lot of pressure on me about studies by my family as they wanted me to work hard. From Class V to IX, I was just a lazy boy - I did not complete my notes,and was a dull student in my class. As time passed by, all my family members began to make fun of me. They used to say I was useless and wanted me to work in garages, so I was very upset. From then onwards I started studying. For SSLC, I just studied for four months and was able to score 68%. All my family members were shocked to hear that I had passed SSLC with 68%. My father himself had doubts about it. That night, I sat and thought about whether to opt for Science or Commerce. I decided on Science and worked hard day and night. I work a lot but am unable to score well. Now I am in the second year. Now there is another problem about the entrance exams this year - It will be ISEET. I take coaching from a reputed lecturer in my city. I am interested in Physics, for which I scored 89% in the first year annual examination. There is a relative of mine who finished his B.Sc in Nautical Science and today he is a captain who earns Rs 14 lakhs per month. But I am a backbencher.

Abdul

Dear Abdul,
I notice from your letter that despite what others around you say about you, if you set your mind to do something, you do it. Even though you did not do academically well till Class IX, because you did not focus on it and were ‘lazy’, once you decided to work you did so well that people around you were surprised by the results. You need to focused on doing what you like to do, and putting in your best effort to achieve what you want to achieve. This is not about what others want of you, or what others say about you - this is about you, your dreams, your life, and what you want to make of it. Don’t let others’ judgements of you define you. Do an honest assessment of your own strengths and weaknesses, your dreams, the opportunities available to you, and the threats that may stop you. By going through this process, get to know yourself better, and let that define you.

Labels that are given to us in childhood by adults around us, have a nasty way of sticking to us and appearing to be the truth. We often carry that baggage along for the rest of our life, unless we become aware of it and consciously choose to discard it.

Dear Madam,

I and my wife are worried about the academic performance of our 11-year-old only son, who studies in Class VI. Either of us are always with him when he sits to study. Besides coaching, encouraging and motivating him, we help him in all aspects of his home work, but his marks graph has been going downward for the last three years. As far as we understand, he attempts all the questions during exam but makes a lot of spelling mistakes resulting in loss of marks for every mistake. In the end, he is awarded less mark for that particular question or no marks at all. Overall he ends up with less grades in each UT/Term exam.

His study pattern is thus: reading the particular chapter of the text book which is being taught in the class during evening or morning hours, identifying hard words and writing them over and over again for two to three days, undertaking dictation for whichever words he can’t write properly, and practicing those for another two days. He reads repeatedly till he memorizes all the answers, meanings, fill in the blanks etc., and answers them orally.

But this method is not helping. We bought online maths tuition for only maths to help him but did not have much success. Can you suggest a better way for him to do well in his studies? One observation we made all these years is, while reading text, many a time, he reads words which are not there in the text at all ( For example, adding ‘s’ where it is not given). He does this even though words are familiar to him and he knows how to read them. He wears spectacles with 3.5 power. We take him for regular checkup in April every year and replace spectacles as prescribed. He was born in the seventh month of pregnancy. Is that determining his studies? Please help. Except in studies, he is very active and mingles with friends, browses computer, uses mobile, in fact tells us some times things we don’t know.

Chandramohan

Dear Chandramohan,

When I read your letter I can sense your anxiety around your child’s academic performance, and I would urge you to get some help to deal with that anxiety first, otherwise you will project that anxiety onto your child in all your interactions and that is not going to help the situation. Address your fears around the matter and see what is driving that anxiety. Take the help of a counsellor in doing this, if possible.

Secondly, please recognize that your child is more than just his academic achievements or lack of academic achievements. He will have other strength areas which you must discover, nurture, cherish and value. He may have weaknesses as well, but that is normal and so do all of us. We need to be able to recognize them and work around them. I do not know enough about your child’s academic abilities, but if you have concerns on that score, you could get him tested to see if he needs any special assistance in certain areas.

Thirdly, I am not sure how much time you insist him to study when he comes back home. It should not be more than an hour or so a day at this level. You need to be able to transfer responsibility to him, and get him motivated to work on his own, without your constant monitoring and assistance. Maybe if you let go a little, he may be able to take more ownership for his work, and feel more of a sense of satisfaction in doing it.

Fourthly, please focus on effort, not on marks. Ultimately he needs to put in his best effort to perform at his optimum level of capability (which may be different from other children, and may not get reflected in marks). Also, please focus on his understanding the material and what he is doing, not on memorizing things he does not understand. That is a very short-term view of studying. Let learning and rewarding effort be the goal, not the memorizing and rewarding marks.

Don’t aspire to control - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 8, 2012]

Dear Madam
I have a daughter who is doing her BCA, and a son who is in Class 7.  My son was only five months old when I lost my husband. I have a problem with my son. He has been losing interest in studies for the past three years. He keeps finding excuses when I ask him to read his lessons. He only writes notes and passes his time. Many times, he does not do his homework.  He has failed in most of the subjects in his last test due to this. I send him for tuitions. But he is only interested in singing and passing his time joking and playing outdoor games or on the computer. I also have a problem with his behaviour as he does not answer people properly and clearly. He doesn’t listen to any of my instructions, or those of my family. I stay in a joint family, with my in-laws. He doesn’t seem to mind that he has failed.  Even when I take him to task I find no change in him. I am unable to control him, hence I request your suggestions.
Vijaya

Dear Vijaya
You say you are unable to control your son, and my feeling is that that may be where your difficulty originates from. You don’t need to ‘control’ your son. You need to guide him and motivate him to achieve his potential. Your son is not like a forest fire that needs to be controlled and contained. He is a lamp that needs to be lit, and the oil needs to be poured in every time the light is fading out. Or, he is a fire that needs to be ignited and stoked to keep it lit.

It must be hard on you to be a single parent with two children, and I can understand that this may be having its own set of challenges and pressures. Living with your in-laws, while it may have its advantages, may also be pressurizing you to ‘perform’ as a ‘good mother’. Your anxiety about this, and what others will say about you, and your parenting, if your son does not perform well, may be something that is driving you to somehow control your son. I am just suggesting these as possibilities and if you don’t agree with my observations, please feel free to disregard them. However, if you feel that, at a subconscious level, that is what may be happening, then it is important that you become aware of these dynamics so that you can manage them. Get help from a counsellor or a trusted friend, if this is the case, because you need to deal with your anxiety. Only then, will you be able to appreciate your children’s strengths and not view them as problems. I would like to remind you of an oft-repeated piece by Kahlil Gibran:

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."

Having said that, it is possible that your son currently does not feel that studying is his responsibility, because he may be seeing it as something you want him to do, with no benefit for him. Also, he may have different aspirations from the ones you have for him. And, he is at the adolescent age where he will be trying to carve out his own identity. 

During this stage of life, it is natural for him to withdraw from adults, identify more with his peers, be defiant, and answer and do as he pleases. I think if you recognize these changes, and understand that they are a normal part of growing up, then they will be less threatening to you. That is not to say that you don’t need to define limits and set rules. You need to do all that, but the techniques that would have worked with him as a child, will not work with him now.

Communication, nonjudgmental acceptance and understanding are really the key to reaching him. Hope this helps.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in 1st PUC. I have taken up Science, PCMB. I took Biology because I used to score well in it till my 10th, but now I find it difficult. I want to become a doctor but I highly doubt if I can achieve my goal. I am not very interested or dedicated towards studies. I am always in search of something new and enjoyable; I would prefer such an occupation. I would like to be a journalist. I want to take up singing and many other activities. But, I do not know what I have to stick on to. I still have hopes that I can get into Medicine but my parents don’t. They think it’s high time I think about something else.

I feel depressed right now, and I feel that I won’t be able to achieve anything. I will be highly obliged if you refer any good career counsellor for me. Can you also tell me what I should do about my career?

Anna

Dear Anna
The best career for anyone is one in which you have a genuine interest and which plays to your strengths. I want to think about your reasons for wanting to become a doctor.

From whatever you have told me in your email, you do not like Biology, and you are not really interested and dedicated to studying. I don’t want to discourage you, but if you don’t like Biology, then it will be torturous for you to study Medicine for 8 to 10 years, maybe more. Besides, Medicine will require studying and dedication and long hours of pouring over your books. So, while you feel discouraged that your parents feel you can’t do it, they may be recognizing your interests and trying to steer you towards something that you may enjoy more. You may end up thanking them for their foresight in the future. 

At least they are not pressurizing you to do something that you feel you are not good at, or interested in. It will be a good idea for you to consult a career counsellor to help you settle this dilemma, but since I don’t know where you are located, I will not be able to recommend anyone.

Dig for gold, not for dirt

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald on May 10, 2012]

BUILDING BLOCKS
I recently attended a workshop where one of the things the trainer said in passing was that we must remember to “dig for gold, not for dirt.” The thought resonated through me and brought back a rush of memories of instances when this value had not been upheld, leading to disastrous consequences.

It would not be inaccurate for me to say that 80-90 per cent of the children and adolescents who come for counselling, come with issues of low self-esteem, and problems arising out of that. Their self-talk is about: “I am not good enough,” “I am not smart enough,” “I am not good looking enough,” “I didn’t do well in my test, so why should anyone be my friend?” “No one is talking to me,” “I can’t ask a question because the teacher may scold me and then the others will laugh at me.” and so on and so forth. Statements like these are all manifestations of low self-esteem.

The important thing is that none of these children were born this way. We, the parents, teachers, and other adults in their world, have made them this way, by our casual remarks, hurtful comments and uncaring ways.

We must be extremely careful about what we say, and how we say it. We may very casually call our child stupid, or dumb, or slow or incapable. But do we really want him/her to grow up believing that he/she is stupid or dumb or slow or incapable?

The parents of a primary school child came to me sometime back seeking help for their young son. They were very concerned after a teacher had pointed out many “problems” with the child during a recent parent-teacher meeting and had suggested that they meet the school counsellor. In my interaction with them, they said they were helpless and did not know how to deal with their son. Their choice of words sent a shiver down my spine because in my vocabulary you only “deal” with a “problem”! And a child is not a “problem”. If your child is a problem, then that attitude will reflect in everything that you do and say to him or her. And your child will soon start believing that he/she is a “problem”. The same holds true for teachers with respect to their students. If teachers consider a child to be a “problem”, then that is what he/she will become, and stay.

Not surprisingly, when I asked these parents what they had observed as their child’s strengths, neither parent could come up with anything, even though I tried asking the question in two or three different ways, at different points in our session together.

Now, to me that is the “problem” that we needed to “deal” with. Not the child.
It should come as no surprise then that many children grow up believing there is nothing special about them, because these parents were not unique.

Making a child ‘visible’ in the eyes of parents, teachers, and other adults is very important. But to make them visible when they are being good and doing good, rather than when they are being bad, can have a significant impact on your child’s mental make up. This is a powerful tool.

For parents and teachers
Elders can instill confidence in children by simply keeping their eyes and ears open,  listening to the kind word, noticing the neat work, watching out for good behaviour, and acknowledging the effort.

Make sure there is at least something good you have noticed, and acknowledged, in your child every day. And, if everyday seems too daunting a task to begin with do it, at least every week.

You’d be surprised when you realise how rarely you have been applauding your son or daughter for his/her effort. In fact some kids have probably never received appreciation from their parents. Yet, this negligence goes unnoticed all the time.

Remember to dig for gold. Do it every day till it becomes a habit. And scrub the gold to make it shine even more, rather than just trying to brush off the dirt and “dealing” with the mess thus created.