Just be Yourself - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on November 19, 2015] 

Dear Madam,

My science teacher hates me and it is apparently for no reason. Maybe I am not so good in the subject, but that is no reason for her to dislike me. It is unfair and I am not going to let her treat me like that for another year. She needs to treat me like every other pupil. How does one have a good teacher-pupil relationship?

A Student
Dear Student

It must be extremely hurtful and frustrating to feel that your teacher hates you, and to not know the reasons for it. I can also sense the anger that must be arousing in you. Could it be possible that you are mis-reading her emotions towards you? Could your interpretation of her feelings towards you be based on your thoughts that may not be really be grounded in reality? Think about it.

It may be helpful for you to have a conversation with the teacher and respectfully tell her what you feel — without challenging what she is doing. Naturally if you challenge her she will get defensive. But if you tell her that you are feeling disliked by her and that you would like to change that and so could she help you understand what is wrong, she may be amenable to having a conversation with you about your feelings. But a word of caution — enter this conversation with the objective and mind-set of trying to understand what you can do differently, rather than with an attitude of challenging her because “how dare she hate you”.

You may want to talk to a counsellor about the specifics of what this teacher is making you feel, and how you could best handle this situation. Try calling the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 to reach out to a counsellor who could help you. All the best!

Dear Madam,

My parents seem really unhappy. One day they may be fine and the next they’re not. They often argue over me — be it studies or my behaviour. They don’t seem to agree. I don’t know what to do.

A student
Dear student,

Unfortunately when parents fight, children end up feeling that they are responsible and need to do something to improve things. You need to know that none of their fighting is your fault. It is not about anything you did, did not do, or could have done. It is about their own issues, disagreements and misunderstandings, amongst themselves.

They may be about you, because you are the link between them and are probably equally important to both of them. But they are not because of you, and you don’t need to do anything different, or be anyone different to stop them. You may be the subject of their disagreements, but you are not the cause of them, and I want you to believe that.

Just be the person you want to be, and let the adults sort out their own mess, no matter how hard that may sound.  All the best.

Dear Madam

I am in the first year of college. I act on feedback to improve, but keep getting mediocre performance reviews on my assignments, although I try hard to do my best. Should I just put up with being average at studies? How can I improve myself?

An undergraduate
Dear undergraduate student,

The most important thing, and really the only thing you can control, is the amount of effort you put in. And to perform at the level of your best potential you must put in your best effort. Beyond that you cannot control the marks. You can take feedback that you get, and you say you do, and that will help. However, don’t anchor yourself and your sense of self-worth, to your marks.

Strive to put in your best effort and that will ensure that at least you gain the knowledge that you need. Marks merely open doors for you, and sometimes not even that. Your real success in the workplace will not come from marks, but from your softer skills like the ability to learn on the job, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your creative problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your communication and persuasive skills, among other things.

So don’t brand yourself as average just because your marks are average. There is more to you than your marks.

All the best
Dear Madam,

I am studying in a degree college. My problem is that I am depressed and keep thinking, hoping that things will be different. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. Often I have a mental block and I am unable to study. How do I come out of this situation?

Confused student
Dear confused student

I think it is important for you to get the help of a counsellor to understand and deal with your depression. If your depression has been there for a long time you may need to see a psychiatrist as well. If it is a mild onset that just set in only counselling may work.

I don’t know if you are in a place where you have access to a counsellor. However, if you don’t it may be helpful for you to reach out to a counsellor over the phone. You could call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 which is a free helpline answered by counsellors to help young adults like you.

Most of the time, depression is the time the result of how we think about events and situations and a counsellor may be able to help you gain a different perspective on things. All the best.

Setting patterns right - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of October 17, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a first year medical student awaiting my results. I have done badly and am afraid of failing but this isn't my only problem. I believe I have many problems that are affecting my overall personality and general well being. I have issues with self confidence leading to constant underachievement.  People around me believe in me and are more confident of me than I myself am.

I was sent to a simple school by my parents. The school did not provide anything to encourage students and my parents didn't also spend a lot of money. The school had twenty students in class X, so there wasn't much exposure and around the board exams all my teachers were confident of me and expected me to get 95% but I never aimed very high. I always have the problem of mixing with people of wrong group - A group that says it doesn't matter how many marks you get, "the lazy group". I never really worked hard. I ended with 89%. My teachers were disappointed but I felt it was OK. Things got worse in Class XII. Again I mixed with the wrong group, wasted time and again studied only on the day of my exam. I still managed to score 80%.

My biggest problems are lack of self confidence, motivation and focus. I always tend to mess up in the exams that really matter. I do well in all my internals but mess up the board paper. This has been going on since Class X. There hasn't been a single paper I have written with self confidence and the right frame of mind. I still did well and managed to score 700th rank in KCET but again the underachievement problem and that of messing up when it actually matters crept up. I went to a coaching center for the two years of PUC.

In Class XI, I was given a certificate for getting the best marks but with the same group of students in Class XII, in the exam that actually mattered, I messed up -The reason being my under-confidence. I solved all the Physics problems but didn't shade them in the OMR sheet as I was not sure (people usually double check, I check four times and I am still not confident or at least I think so). Just then I realized that there were only five minutes left and I couldn't shade in all the answers and got 700th rank when people expected much more from me. Please help.

Also if I fail to clear a paper in the first attempt in MBBS, what is the procedure for my re-exam and will this affect my PG chances or the PG entrance exam, please explain. 

Thank you.

Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,

I am happy that you are self-reflecting and are able to identify some patterns in your life that are repeating themselves to your disadvantage. That is half the battle won, because awareness of harmful patterns is the most difficult step. Once you are aware of them you will be able to change them if you set your mind to it. I think it would really help you to go in for some face-to-face counseling sessions, if you have access to a counselor. There is only so much that can be written about your concerns in this column.

I don’t have answers to your questions about the medical college examination system. However, I would like to ask you what would have happened if you had only double-checked your answers and allowed some mistakes to creep in? What were you afraid off? Sometimes perfectionism comes at a price that is too high and not worth the lost opportunity. Why do you doubt yourself and behave in self-sabotaging ways? What is your perception of yourself, and is it this self-perception that you are trying to live-down to by not putting in your best effort? How did you get this ‘not so high’ self-perception? Are you anxious and stressed about the exams that ‘really matter’ that hold you back from performing to your potential in them? These are questions you must reflect on with the help of a counselor, or another trusted adult, so that you can change the patterns that are blocking your success.

Good Luck!

Dear Madam,

My son Faazil, aged 10 years, is studying in Class V in a good school in RT Nagar. He is an above average student who scored 75% in Class IV. In June he had an attack of Typhoid and was irregular to school for sometime. After that he refused to go to school. He says that his teacher beats him.

Any amount of cajoling and forcing has not helped. Till date he has not attended school and refuses to go. My younger son also is studying in the same school and he has no problem with the teachers. Please advise and help us in solving this problem and to continue my son's schooling.

Amina Talath

Dear Amina,

I think you should seek the help of a counselor to understand what is bothering your son. Sometimes the reasons are not apparent to parents, either because we do not listen or because we do not want to listen to what is being said. Or sometimes children are too scared to tell us what is really bothering them, for the fear of consequences they may face. It is important to get the help of an impartial and safe third party who can help you here. Please do this at the earliest. Please realize that both your children are two separate individuals and just because one does not have a problem does not mean that the other should not have a problem. Obviously something is bothering him.

It could be fear of failure after having missed so many classes, loss of friends in the mean time or some inappropriate behavior by either the children or the adults in the school. If he says his teacher is beating him you need to investigate that further and not just brush it off. That is a very legitimate reason for him not to want to go, and you would need to support him to deal with it.

All the best

Dear Madam

My daughter is average in studies but otherwise intelligent. She joined BE (CS) last year. In the 2nd semester she couldn't clear 5 subjects, hence was laid back. With permission she attended classes for the 3rd semester after applying for revaluation. Still she could not sail through. For a long time she has been interested in interior designing courses.

Meanwhile we made her attend a memory enhancement course, which she enjoyed. She even took a further advanced course in the same. Now she is not interested in continuing with her degree. Instead she wants to join a course in Interior Designing. Now that the admission process is almost over and classes have lapsed for more than 2 months, we are in a dilemma that she will lose one academic year.

A mother

Dear Mother,

I think your daughter is the one who should be driving this decision. Ultimately it is her career and her life and she needs to take charge of it. She needs to understand the pros and cons of both her paths - continuing with her degree and moving to interior designing. Clearly if a person is ‘allowed’ to make a career out of something they are passionate about, life is more enjoyable and less of a drag. If one has to spend a whole day working in a field one does not enjoy, the pleasure of working gets taken away and it merely becomes a means to making ends meet.

Also you need to be able to put the loss of one academic year in the perspective of one’s whole life. One year now (which need not be lost but can be used to enhance other soft and life skills) vs a life time of doing something one does not enjoy. As in any investment, often it is better to cut your losses and move on, rather than being stuck with a dead investment. The same holds true for life.

My musings as a School Counsellor

[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Christ University Department of Psychology magazine called Perspective 2011]

Having recently qualified as a counselor, I walked into my first assignment at a prestigious school in Bangalore several years ago, quite unsure of my role, and of the difference I could make. Would children in school really see the value of counseling? Would they ever come for counseling voluntarily? Wasn’t it more of an adult thing? Wasn’t it something that adults took children for, when they (the adults) thought necessary? Would it be possible to maintain confidentiality in an environment where the child was everyone’s business?

On my first day, just as I had finished settling in, a very worried teacher walked into my room. One of her student’s had been hurting herself with the school badge repeatedly. The teacher had no idea what she was meant to do, or what the child’s behavior meant. She used the only tool she had in her toolkit (i.e. scolding) and it hadn’t worked. She felt lost, confused, and a bit helpless, at being unable to ‘control’ this child’s “irrational” behavior.

Even though I was a bit overwhelmed at being landed with a relatively “serious” case on day one, I was clear that my response had to be three-pronged. I needed to work with the child, the parents, and the teacher – equipping each to address the challenges that situation threw up for them. After about 12 sessions with the student, a couple of sessions with the parents, and one (primarily educative) session with the teacher, the student settled back into the normal routine of school life without the angst and pain she was feeling earlier.

I have never since questioned the difference I can make in a school, even though I have to admit that I have not always been successful in reaching my goal – that of making a student who comes to me feel more emotionally comfortable and secure than when he or she first walked in.

There are some observations I have based on my experience working in a school setting. The first is that the counselor must make oneself visible – visible to the students, visible to the parents, and visible to the teachers.

Students must learn to view the counselor as someone easily accessible. Students must understand what kind of issues the counselor helps them with, and the students must be assured of confidentiality. They must come to believe that if they come to the counselor with a problem, the other teachers, or the principal, or their parents, and most importantly, their peers will not come to know about it. I did this by visiting every classroom in their free period, and talking to the students about various emotions, and how it is important to understand and express them. And, emphasized how I can help them with that. After every class, my diary used to be filled with appointments that the children scheduled. At the start of every academic year I give a questionnaire to every child asking them to list out the kind of problems they are facing. The objective is not so much to get the children to respond, and most of them don’t, but to make them aware of my presence and how and when they can find me.
Parents need to be made aware of the availability of the counselor, and must know that they have permission to reach out to the counselor directly, without any of the other school channels being involved. They too, must be assured of confidentiality. And, most importantly, their bias and stigma about their child coming to a counselor should be put to rest. They need to be educated on the role of the counselor and the importance of not dissuading their children from visiting the counselor. If a child has the courage to visit a counselor (which often, even some adults do not) the worst disservice a parent can do to the child is to communicate to him that they don’t approve of that action. Apart from a communication that I send out to parents at the beginning of the academic year, where I talk about the above issues, I also keep in regular touch with them by sending them links to articles (mine or someone else’s) which I feel would be interesting to them as parents. I conduct workshops for parents on various emotional issues. Apart from gaining insights on how they can be better parents, these workshops give them a forum to understand emotional aspects, connect with other parents on similar issues, and ‘connect' with the counselor without stigma.
Teachers must know that it is okay for them to come to the counselor to sort out some issues that they may be experiencing themselves, or, to get guidance on how to deal with an emotional situation in the classroom. Teachers also need to be sensitized to the emotional impact their words and actions may have on their students. Organizing workshops for teachers gives teachers an opportunity to discuss classroom situations in a safe, nonjudgmental way. This also allows them to recognize their own behaviors that may not be helpful in their role as teachers, role models, surrogate parents, mentors, and guides.

While the counselor must make oneself visible, he or she must not be viewed as one of the other teachers or staff members. There are many reasons for that. The counselor must be viewed as an expert who only deals with the emotional aspect of a child’s life in school. The counselor must be believed to be someone who will respect confidentiality and be nonjudgmental in their dealings. If the counselor is viewed as someone who is also just one of the other teachers in school, it would be hard for a student to believe that the counselor is not talking about them with other teachers, or is not biased about them based on their other interactions in school. I do this by staying a bit ‘aloof’ from the rest of the staff (I never have lunch in the staffroom, or go to the staffroom for a chit-chat), and not getting involved in other routine administrative school activities (which often get assigned to counselors unless they define the boundaries for themselves).

Maintaining a case record of every child who comes for counselling, and keeping track of it as the child progresses through school, is important. So if a child comes after a couple of years, I know when he or she came to me before, and what the issue was at that time. Often the issues are linked, if not the same. After every session, it is important to log a few lines of what happened in the session and any other observations you may have, so as to be able to see your own progress in your work with the child, and serve as an aid to your memory. Of critical importance, though, is ensuring that these case records are not accessible to other staff members, and do not enter the general school information system. I keep mine under lock and key (with the keys only available with me). I am not sure what I would do if I chose to leave the school – would I take the records with me, or hand them over to my successor? What I am certain about, though, is that I will not hand them over to the school management. I cannot emphasize enough how important maintaining confidentiality is.
Most of the students (I would say approximately 75%) who come for counseling come with issues stemming from low self esteem. Even though the presenting problem may be different, the root often lies in a poor self-image and lack of self-acceptance; the belief that “I am not good enough”. This is created to a large extent by messages given by parents and teachers (hopefully, unknowingly). The good news is that because children and adolescents, are still evolving their world-view and self-image, it is relatively easier to influence it and bring about a change, than it is in the case of adults. Sometimes, just a slight nudge in the right direction is all they need to start thinking differently. Sometimes, all they need is “permission” to challenge what the world (and elders), are saying about them.

I have consistently observed that the largest number of students come to me from the fourth grade. I don’t know if this will be validated by other school counselors, but I was truly surprised by this. Who would have thought that a fourth grader would even know that he or she is facing an issue? Who would have thought that a fourth grader would feel comfortable coming and talking to a complete stranger about it? If someone had told me this a few years ago, I certainly would not have believed it. However, now I think the reason for this is that that is the age when children start negotiating group dynamics. Before that they operate primarily as individual players. Around fourth grade is when they start forming groups; they get included or left out; they share secrets and get bullied; they start understanding the world and the people around them. All this can get confusing, and I am glad that many of them have the courage to seek help. Another factor here is also that fourth grade is probably too early for them to start worrying about the social stigma of going to a counselor. While teenagers and adolescents may actually need help, I think many of them feel inhibited. And my hope is that students who feel comfortable going to a counselor in grade 4 will continue to do so when they reach their tumultuous teenage years.
In conclusion, I’d like to add that while I am not equipped to handle all issues that present themselves to me, I am equipped to know what I can handle and what I cannot. And, those that I cannot handle I refer on, with the confidence that even my first understanding is of value to parents who are often fumbling in the dark, not knowing what is going on in their child’s world. Where would those children have gone to for help, had it not been for the ease and confidentiality, of just walking into a room right in school, whenever they can grab a free period? The comfort of knowing that in this harsh world that they are navigating, there is a safe place they can go to for someone to listen to them non-judgmentally and help them interpret their confusing circumstances, is invaluable. And to be able to do that without the logistical issues of parents having to take them somewhere, or pay for it, has its benefits.

Break the mould, now

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore, on March 18, 2010]

PARENTING
Deal with your own demons before they start haunting your kids, says Maullika Sharma

How many times have you fretted over your child’s academic performance in his first standard test? Are your child’s test results your only source of external validation? How many times have you increased the pressure on your kids so that they live out your dreams as a stay-at-home mom? How many times have you sat up at night to finish your child’s homework so that she doesn’t have to face the consequences in school the next day?

How many times have you felt frustrated at career opportunities gone by and taken out your wrath on your child, holding her responsible for your missed chances? How many times have you expected your children to do things that you’d rather not do yourself — like spending time with your aging parents, helping with chores at home, expressing your anger appropriately, or simply being a good samaritan?

Most of us cannot honestly say ‘never’ to these questions.
Would you want your kids to hold a grudge against you in the way you perhaps hold your parents responsible for everything that’s gone wrong with your life? Or, are you so naive as to believe that things will magically be different between you and your kids?

Choose to be different
If you can’t communicate with your parents even now; if you still feel the need to lie to them about your drinking and smoking; if you are still resentful that they pressurised you into chasing their dreams and not yours, then there are two choices before you as a parent.

You could either give your child the same experiences that you had — and hated. Or, you could choose to be different as a parent. This would mean confronting your own hidden demons. It calls for a great deal of self-analysis and introspection. It means getting in touch with your emotions. It means facing the pain of past hurts and understanding your own story — how you got to where you are, why you are the kind of person you are, and why certain things happened to you.

In short, it means hard work of the emotional kind — either on your own, or with the help of a close friend, or with the help of a counsellor. It is no surprise, therefore, that many of us chose not to do it.

Don’t be a control freak
If you find yourself excessively anxious about your child’s future, it is not going to let you enjoy her present. If everything your child does spells trouble, I think it is time, not to tighten the screws on your child, but to stop and take stock of your own baggage. Why are you so afraid of failure? Why are you prone to predicting doom? These are issues that you need to deal with to be able to successfully play the role of a supportive parent.
You need to help your child define her own success rather than just live up to yours. If you invest your own self-worth in your children’s success, you will be blind to your child’s personality traits. You will become consumed by how your child’s behavior reflects on you as a parent. If your child is talented, popular and well-behaved, then you feel good about yourself. If your child is lacking in any way, you feel guilty and ashamed.

Pull out the demons from your heart and mind. Face them. Destroy them. Move on. This will help you adjust your focus away from controlling your child to understanding her. In our zeal to be better moms, let us not forget that our children give us the chance to be better people as well — people who are at peace with themselves and their past.

(This article was published in Deccan Herald in March 2010 http://www.deccanherald.com/content/57688/break-mould-now.html)