[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald on November 3, 2016]
Dear Madam,
My Class 12 results did not come as expected and I had to take a year off. I feel I have failed in some ways as my plans didn’t work. Though my parents are supportive, I am unable to shrug off the feeling that I have disappointed them. What can I do to overcome this and ensure that my future plans work out smoothly?
A worried student
Dear Worried student,
Failure is always an event, never a person.
So, while you may have failed at an exam, that does not mean you are a failure
as a person. There is more to you than your exam results, so don’t let one set
of marks define your worth.
Your parents may have been disappointed with
your marks, but that is not the same thing as they being disappointed with you.
Very often we make the mistake of equating the two. I think it will be great if
you can meet a counsellor who can help you alter your thought patterns so that
they are not as negative and obstructive as they are now for you.
Dear Madam,
I am a seventh semester Mechanical engineering student. I daydream a lot and always feel stressed. As a result, I am unable to focus on studies. Doing a morning jog and taking frequent vacations haven’t helped. I have stopped using my mobile too. But nothing is working.
Sometimes, I get addicted to bad habits because of stress, which eats up much of my time. You are my last hope. Please suggest how to manage stress and focus on studies.
A stressed student
Dear Stressed student,
I am a bit concerned about your mention of
being addicted to bad habits and I am not sure what you are talking about.
Having said that, addiction of any sort is harmful because it makes us feel
like we don’t have a choice, or any sense of control. Whereas in reality, we
do. Often the addiction is an escape mechanism — an escape from facing the
reality; a short-term relief. My question to you is — what are you escaping
from? What is your fear that you are trying to run away from?
A lot of our stress is the result of our
thought patterns and it is always helpful to try and understand our unhelpful
and irrational beliefs that are making us think the way we are and causing us
distress. If we are able to alter our beliefs, we can change our thoughts which
in turn makes us feel better and behave differently.
I think it will be really helpful for you to
work with a counsellor, and if you don’t have access to a counsellor in your
college, call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 for free
counselling support.
Dear Madam,
I am a PG student with a good academic record. I usually don’t gel with others. This makes others think that I am an egoist and that I have an attitude problem. I don’t like unnecessary talks. Very often, I get angry for no reason. I am trying hard to correct myself but in vain. I always feel that no one likes me. I just want to get out of all this. Kindly guide.
A depressed student
Dear Depressed student,
It sounds like you may have some anger within
you which you have not expressed or acknowledged. And that anger sometimes
surfaces for no reason because it has no legitimate outlet. At times, it may
even be interfering with your ability to connect meaningfully with others and
hold long-term relationships. You may also be having some irrational beliefs
around what is necessary and what is unnecessary, how people should behave, and
how relationships are meant to be.
I think you could benefit tremendously from
counselling which will help you understand and manage your unexpressed anger,
recognise your irrational beliefs which are driving the way you relate to
people, and change your unhelpful behaviours that are interfering with your
ability to relate to people. Feeling angry is okay.
But unless we know how to express it, it can
either eat us up from the inside, or destroy everything that comes in its path,
often unknowingly. It is said that hanging on to anger is like hanging on to a
piece of hot coal.
Unless you get rid of it, it will burn the
hand that is holding it. And if you don’t get rid of it properly it will burn
other things in its path. If you dispose it off appropriately it will not cause
any
lasting damage.
Dear Madam,
I am a third year LLB student. When I start studying a topic, I feel that I know it already. Hence, I am not able to concentrate and always neglect studies. Kindly suggest ways for me to concentrate on studies.
Akshay Raj
Dear Akshay,
It will be helpful for you to understand
yourself and your past patterns. How have you been doing academically in the
past? You don’t mention anything about that. When you feel you know a topic,
have you actually known it and how have you performed in your exams with that
knowledge.
If you have been doing well, then your
confidence may be holding you in good stead, allowing you the flexibility of
focussing on other aspects of your life. However, if you have not been doing
well then think about how things may have been different if you had focussed.
How would you like them to be different, if at all? And why? It is important to
find your own motivation. This is not something someone else can give you, and
even if someone else does, it will be short-lived.
So, think about why you are studying? How is
it going to help you? Who are you doing it for? What do you envision for
yourself two years down the line? Five years down the line? Ten years down the
line? Treat these as your milestones and work out a plan to reach each milestone.
When we don’t have a goal we are walking
towards, it is often hard to find the ways and the means of getting there.
Quite like travelling with a destination in mind (which allows you to gauge how
you are doing on your journey) and just travelling aimlessly (when you have
nothing to judge your travels by). Good luck!
Dear Madam,
I have just joined a new job. Although I like the job, I am finding it a bit overwhelming as I am not getting the necessary support I thought I would. As a result, I am finding it a bit difficult to integrate with the team successfully, despite many attempts to do so.
Could you kindly suggest some ways that can help me position myself better, so that I can contribute more effectively and be a part of the team?
A stressed employee
Dear Stressed employee,
I understand that you are feeling overwhelmed
in your new assignment and would like some support from the existing team.
Sometimes it is okay to ask for the help you need. Have you asked and not got a
response, or have you been uncomfortable to ask? Often we hesitate to ask
because we feel we should know the answer and that if we ask, it will make us
look bad.
It may help you to read an article I wrote
earlier in this newspaper titled “How balanced are your seesaws?”
(www.bit.ly/2eAhYY5) which may help you understand some of your internal
reasons for feeling uncomfortable.
The more comfortable you feel with yourself,
the more comfortable you will feel with your team. It may be helpful to work
with a counsellor to help you overcome some of your roadblocks. All the best!
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