Just be Yourself - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on November 19, 2015] 

Dear Madam,

My science teacher hates me and it is apparently for no reason. Maybe I am not so good in the subject, but that is no reason for her to dislike me. It is unfair and I am not going to let her treat me like that for another year. She needs to treat me like every other pupil. How does one have a good teacher-pupil relationship?

A Student
Dear Student

It must be extremely hurtful and frustrating to feel that your teacher hates you, and to not know the reasons for it. I can also sense the anger that must be arousing in you. Could it be possible that you are mis-reading her emotions towards you? Could your interpretation of her feelings towards you be based on your thoughts that may not be really be grounded in reality? Think about it.

It may be helpful for you to have a conversation with the teacher and respectfully tell her what you feel — without challenging what she is doing. Naturally if you challenge her she will get defensive. But if you tell her that you are feeling disliked by her and that you would like to change that and so could she help you understand what is wrong, she may be amenable to having a conversation with you about your feelings. But a word of caution — enter this conversation with the objective and mind-set of trying to understand what you can do differently, rather than with an attitude of challenging her because “how dare she hate you”.

You may want to talk to a counsellor about the specifics of what this teacher is making you feel, and how you could best handle this situation. Try calling the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 to reach out to a counsellor who could help you. All the best!

Dear Madam,

My parents seem really unhappy. One day they may be fine and the next they’re not. They often argue over me — be it studies or my behaviour. They don’t seem to agree. I don’t know what to do.

A student
Dear student,

Unfortunately when parents fight, children end up feeling that they are responsible and need to do something to improve things. You need to know that none of their fighting is your fault. It is not about anything you did, did not do, or could have done. It is about their own issues, disagreements and misunderstandings, amongst themselves.

They may be about you, because you are the link between them and are probably equally important to both of them. But they are not because of you, and you don’t need to do anything different, or be anyone different to stop them. You may be the subject of their disagreements, but you are not the cause of them, and I want you to believe that.

Just be the person you want to be, and let the adults sort out their own mess, no matter how hard that may sound.  All the best.

Dear Madam

I am in the first year of college. I act on feedback to improve, but keep getting mediocre performance reviews on my assignments, although I try hard to do my best. Should I just put up with being average at studies? How can I improve myself?

An undergraduate
Dear undergraduate student,

The most important thing, and really the only thing you can control, is the amount of effort you put in. And to perform at the level of your best potential you must put in your best effort. Beyond that you cannot control the marks. You can take feedback that you get, and you say you do, and that will help. However, don’t anchor yourself and your sense of self-worth, to your marks.

Strive to put in your best effort and that will ensure that at least you gain the knowledge that you need. Marks merely open doors for you, and sometimes not even that. Your real success in the workplace will not come from marks, but from your softer skills like the ability to learn on the job, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your creative problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your communication and persuasive skills, among other things.

So don’t brand yourself as average just because your marks are average. There is more to you than your marks.

All the best
Dear Madam,

I am studying in a degree college. My problem is that I am depressed and keep thinking, hoping that things will be different. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. Often I have a mental block and I am unable to study. How do I come out of this situation?

Confused student
Dear confused student

I think it is important for you to get the help of a counsellor to understand and deal with your depression. If your depression has been there for a long time you may need to see a psychiatrist as well. If it is a mild onset that just set in only counselling may work.

I don’t know if you are in a place where you have access to a counsellor. However, if you don’t it may be helpful for you to reach out to a counsellor over the phone. You could call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 which is a free helpline answered by counsellors to help young adults like you.

Most of the time, depression is the time the result of how we think about events and situations and a counsellor may be able to help you gain a different perspective on things. All the best.

Strive for progress, not perfection - ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of June 18, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing engineering but I am not satisfied with it. It has always been my dream to write fantasy books for children but I am not sure if my parents would approve of it and hence, haven’t told them about it. It seems like every adult is counting on me to grow up and solve problems of the world when I am comfortable with imaginative writing. What do you 
suggest I do?
AJ 

Dear AJ,
If you are not sure about your parents approving your plan, then why are you presuming that they will not approve, and why don’t you go ahead and discuss it with them. Also, by conversation, you may be able to find a path that works for everyone. Lots of people will put the burden of their expectations on you. It is for you to accept the burden or not. You have to live up to your own expectations of yourself, and do what you feel will give you more satisfaction. It should preferably be a field that you have an interest in, that you are good at, and that society puts a value to, because eventually for you to feel worthy and make a living, what you do must be valued enough to allow you to make a living. When your parents influence you towards a particular career choice, they are only concerned about your being able to make a reasonable living and have a reasonable life. If you can convince them of being able to do that with your preferred choice, they will probably be more than okay with you following your dreams. It may be worthwhile for you to evaluate your dreams against these parameters and see how they hold up.

Dear Madam,
Girls in my college don’t find me attractive, and I think the reason is because I am fat. Since I was seven years old, I have been on the healthier side, which didn’t worry me until now. I am quite intelligent and have lots of friends but not the kind I would like. What should I do?
A student

Dear student,
I am assuming that you are a boy and are at the age when you are looking for romantic friendships. I may be completely wrong in these assumptions, but in the absence of any more information from you, I guess I will have to go with that. I am not sure what you are worried about. If you are intelligent and have friends, that is what is important. I don’t think you would want someone to like you just because of your physical looks. I am sure you would rather the girls liked you for your company, intelligence, confidence, sense of humor, creativity, and other such foundational qualities, than your physical appearance which is quite transitory. Chubbiness does not define you as bad, just like skinniness does not define you as good. These are attributes that you can change, should you choose to. But my question to you is this, do you want to change just to become more attractive to some girl, or do you believe in yourself, and your worth, and accept the fact that a discerning enough girl, who can value you for the right reasons, just has not come along yet, but will eventually. Like yourself, and others will follow! Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing my second year of engineering and I get hurt when I see people breeze through life while I slog away for minimum results. It takes a lot of time and work for me to reach average results. I feel bad for myself when I see people living a wonderful life, getting top academic marks, having perfect relationships, enjoying their lives. Could you tell me how to manage my life?
PM

Dear PM
No one’s internal struggles are visible to another. We go around feeling that we are the only one’s struggling while everyone has a perfect life. The reality is not so. Everyone has struggles, and each one’s struggles are unique. And even if they are not struggling with anything right now, it does not mean they never will. That is the cycle of life. There are ups, and there are downs, and they keep changing.
Having said that I would like to point you to the work of Carol Dweck. You may want to read up about it on the internet. Carol Dweck found that intelligence is not in-built and fixed. With effort, it can be acquired and increased. So all the hard-work that you put in is never wasted. It adds to you and your body of knowledge, skill and capability. Different people have different strengths and ability, and some people may be better than you at some things, but you may be better than others at other things. You can compare yourself to those who seem to be ahead and better than you and feel frustrated and jealous, or you can compare yourself to those who are less fortunate than you and feel a sense of gratitude. It’s your choice. While it is beneficial to look at those ahead to remember where you have to go and stay on track, it is also helpful not to lose sight of those behind you and feel grateful. All the best

Dear Madam,
I am currently studying biotechnology. My friend who is studying the same course with me seems to have lost his way. He keeps complaining about his lack of interest in the course and the regret of having taking up on his parents’ word. I have always been giving him advice but it seems like he does not take it into account. Even after telling him that interest can be fostered, he refuses to change his way of thinking. Kindly suggest on what I could do to help him out. I do not want to see him holding himself back anymore as this is our second year and I really want to score good grades with him. 
CK

Dear CK
Your concern for your friend’s success is very touching and I am glad you wrote in asking what you should do. I think the best advice you can give your friend is to ask him to see a counsellor to help him sort out his confusions in a safe space without the fear of judgment. Sometimes, we feel we know what is best for the other person, but in pushing them towards the path that we feel is best, we may not be allowing them to understand themselves and their situation. 

Maybe your friend has some fears, anxieties or apprehensions which he is unable to talk to you about, or even unable to understand for himself. If you have access to a counsellor in your college, that is great. If not recommend that he either sees a counsellor face-to-face or calls in to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323080-65333323, which is a free helpline for young adults to connect with a counsellor. All the best.