Can you discipline your child without punishing them?

[The following article written by me was first published on the website of the White Swan Foundation at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/can-you-discipline-your-child-without-punishing-them/ ]

As I was thinking about my last article in this series, I got a question from a reader which fit right into what I was planning to cover and sealed the deal for me– the topic of effective disciplining. The reader’s question went like this: If the children are naughty, not interested in studies or of careless character we are bound to punish them by beating them a little or scaring them about their future. Kindly guide us if there is any alternate way of mending problematic children.

I want to start off by clearing a misconception and highlighting the difference between disciplining and punishment. Often parents use these words interchangeably; however, they are fundamentally different in their motivation. The goal of punishment is to penalize a child for past misbehavior. The goal of disciplining, on the other hand, is to shape future behavior. This difference is something we often forget as we try to make the punishment as painful as possible, thinking it is shaping future behavior. When we understand this difference, the premise that punishment needs to be painful gets thrown out of the window.

Since disciplining is about shaping future behavior, we need to be clear about what specific behavior we are trying to modify, and the ideal behavior that we are trying to achieve. We also need to understand and identify what the consequence that will be most effective for your child is. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation. What may be effective for one child may be completely ineffective for another. If a child enjoys watching TV, then an effective consequence may be cut down TV-time. However, if a child does not watch TV at all, then clearly that will have no meaning.

The intensity of the physical pain that the consequence causes is of no relevance. Behaviors change when children know the ‘rules’ they are meant to follow, know that if they don’t follow the ‘rules’ they will face a consequence for sure, and know, beforehand what the consequence will be. Learning happens not because of the intensity of pain caused by the consequence, but because of the certainty and frequency of its enforcement. This seems pretty simple and straight-forward. But you will be surprised at how many parents assume their children know what is right and wrong without clearly defining it for them. Then, they enforce a consequence only when they have the energy and time to do it, and just pick a consequence at random depending on their mood.

Children, by definition, test limits of how much they can get away with. Just as adults do. How many times do we jump a red light at the traffic signal just to test if we can get away with it, pretty sure that nine times out of 10, we will not have to face any consequence? If we knew for sure that every time we jumped a red light we would have to pay a fine, then we would not take that chance because the one minute we would save would probably not be worth the fine. Somehow, when it comes to our children, we expect them to comply without knowing the rules, without knowing the consequences, and even without knowing if there will be a consequence at all.

If your child is expected to come home from playing at 7 pm, your child must know that if they don’t come back by 7 pm they will not be allowed to watch TV that evening (as an example of a consequence), and that they will face this consequence 100 per cent of the time. If your child knows that, then he or she may then decide that the extra 5 minutes of play is not worth the trade-off, and over a period of time the behavior will change. However, if your child feels that there is a 75 per cent chance that they will be able to get away with it without any consequence, they will test the limits.

Remember, I said learning happens with the knowledge of the certainty of consequence, and frequency of consequence. So in the above example if the consequence was that your child will not be allowed to watch TV for the following week, then as parents you have lost the chance to enforce a consequence for the rest of the week. This means your child will get only one learning opportunity in the whole week. And also, in all probability, you will get so tired of having to enforce this for a week, that after the second or third day you will give in and send your child down to play on your own.

So for disciplining (and I am saying disciplining - not punishing), there are a few important things parents need to understand.

Firstly, you need to pick your battles carefully. There may be fifty different behaviors you want rectified, but you don’t want your home and life to become a battlefield. So, you must pick the top five behaviors that you absolutely need to address and just stick with those. Often, this means letting go of some of your own hang-ups and irrational expectations from your children.

Secondly, clearly define the limits of acceptable and unacceptable behavior for your child. Define what the consequence will be for crossing the line. Make sure the consequence you pick is something you as a parent are confident of being able to enforce all the time (this is often the most challenging part).

Thirdly, make sure the consequence is enforced every time the line is crossed. Finally, remember that the limits that are defined and set have to be in the context of the child’s age and must be age appropriate. As children grow older, limits may need to be revised, and defining the limits will need to be more about having a conversation and negotiation around those limits as opposed to dictating what is acceptable.

Lastly, to the parent who sent me the query I would like to say that there are no ‘problematic’ children, there are only ‘problematic’ behaviors –these can be addressed by effective disciplining, not painful punishment.

Spare a thought, spare the rod

[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of August 16, 2012]

There are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to physical violence to instill discipline. Maullika Sharma explains this further.
 
Today, for the fourth time in many days, in my counselling room, I met with children who are victims of physical abuse at home – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod.Apart from the fact that it got me really agitated, it also made me think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to physically hurt their child; the myths surrounding domestic abuse; and the psychological and emotional fallout of this parental behaviour on their children.

I would like to believe that such acts of violence are mindless, automatic responses to a stimulus, rather than thought-out actions. And this is a humble attempt at making parents aware of the implications of these thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behaviour, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.

So what drives a parent to physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons. One of these and a very significant one is the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but take a minute to recollect those feelings.

The second reason is anxiety — anxiety about their child’s performance and a feeling of helplessness and being unable to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out “right.” This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stress, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with ‘life’ and this is their way of expressing their anger. What ‘safer’ way for the parents to express their anger than targeting someone who is ‘powerless’ to respond?

There are several myths surrounding the “need” to resort to physical violence while bringing up children. Parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful, so that they remain in control. On the contrary, these children believe their parents are ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their abilities to guide and mentor them.

Parents believe that if they beat their child, he/she will stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track. Parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way.

Parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this results only in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. Parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehaviour. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. Parents believe that if their child is scared of them, he/she will not do anything “wrong”. On the contrary, their child is even more motivated to do “wrong” behind the parents’ back.

Parents believe that if their child is scared of being hit, then he/she will focus on his/her work. On the contrary, this distracts the child and the fear stops him/her from being able to concentrate and focus. Parents believe that fear is essential to focus and achieve “something” in life. On the contrary, fear may motivate them to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.

There are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to physical abuse to instill discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, they learn that violence is an acceptable reaction and so start practising it themselves.

They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, so that they get targeted by other bullies.

Children will then work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They will slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a ‘duty-bound’ relationship with their parents. But that is not a relationship built on love, bond, communication, trust and care.

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties, whether that means practising meditation or talking to a friend or seeking the help of a counsellor.

Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behaviour.