[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on May 17, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am an 18-year-old and in the first year of my graduate degree in Computer Application. My second semester exams are approaching fast and I have not begun preparations for it. The subjects are tougher than the previous semester. When I sit down to study, my mind begins to wander and I cannot control it. I faced similar problems with my concentration skills last semester, but I managed to score an aggregate of 60 per cent. My parents are not satisfied with these scores. How can I better my concentration skills and should I approach an educational counsellor for help?
Ahmed
Dear Ahmed,
I am not sure I understand what you mean by an educational counsellor. A career counsellor will help you decide what career path is best suited for you given your temperament and abilities. An emotional counsellor will help you deal with emotions that may be coming in the way of your achieving your potential. I am not sure what an educational counsellor would do.
I feel a bit concerned when you say that your mind is not in your control. Are you looking for ways to justify why you are not studying by stating the problem as one that is external and is in someone else’s control? Or does it genuinely feel like there are voices in your mind that keep controlling your thoughts and actions.
I think you would benefit by seeing a counsellor, face-to-face, or using some of the free telephone helplines that are available for youth and adolescents, to help you understand what you are facing and help you identify the path forward.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Dig for gold, not for dirt
[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald on May 10, 2012]
BUILDING BLOCKSI recently attended a workshop where one of the things the trainer said in passing was that we must remember to “dig for gold, not for dirt.” The thought resonated through me and brought back a rush of memories of instances when this value had not been upheld, leading to disastrous consequences.
It would not be inaccurate for me to say that 80-90 per cent of the children and adolescents who come for counselling, come with issues of low self-esteem, and problems arising out of that. Their self-talk is about: “I am not good enough,” “I am not smart enough,” “I am not good looking enough,” “I didn’t do well in my test, so why should anyone be my friend?” “No one is talking to me,” “I can’t ask a question because the teacher may scold me and then the others will laugh at me.” and so on and so forth. Statements like these are all manifestations of low self-esteem.The important thing is that none of these children were born this way. We, the parents, teachers, and other adults in their world, have made them this way, by our casual remarks, hurtful comments and uncaring ways.
We must be extremely careful about what we say, and how we say it. We may very casually call our child stupid, or dumb, or slow or incapable. But do we really want him/her to grow up believing that he/she is stupid or dumb or slow or incapable?
The parents of a primary school child came to me sometime back seeking help for their young son. They were very concerned after a teacher had pointed out many “problems” with the child during a recent parent-teacher meeting and had suggested that they meet the school counsellor. In my interaction with them, they said they were helpless and did not know how to deal with their son. Their choice of words sent a shiver down my spine because in my vocabulary you only “deal” with a “problem”! And a child is not a “problem”. If your child is a problem, then that attitude will reflect in everything that you do and say to him or her. And your child will soon start believing that he/she is a “problem”. The same holds true for teachers with respect to their students. If teachers consider a child to be a “problem”, then that is what he/she will become, and stay.
Not surprisingly, when I asked these parents what they had observed as their child’s strengths, neither parent could come up with anything, even though I tried asking the question in two or three different ways, at different points in our session together.
Now, to me that is the “problem” that we needed to “deal” with. Not the child.
It should come as no surprise then that many children grow up believing there is nothing special about them, because these parents were not unique.
Making a child ‘visible’ in the eyes of parents, teachers, and other adults is very important. But to make them visible when they are being good and doing good, rather than when they are being bad, can have a significant impact on your child’s mental make up. This is a powerful tool.
For parents and teachers
Elders can instill confidence in children by simply keeping their eyes and ears open, listening to the kind word, noticing the neat work, watching out for good behaviour, and acknowledging the effort.
Make sure there is at least something good you have noticed, and acknowledged, in your child every day. And, if everyday seems too daunting a task to begin with do it, at least every week.
You’d be surprised when you realise how rarely you have been applauding your son or daughter for his/her effort. In fact some kids have probably never received appreciation from their parents. Yet, this negligence goes unnoticed all the time.
Remember to dig for gold. Do it every day till it becomes a habit. And scrub the gold to make it shine even more, rather than just trying to brush off the dirt and “dealing” with the mess thus created.
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Nobody is perfect - Ask our counsellor Q&A column
[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on April 26, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a BA final-year student. My aim is to become an English teacher. I come from a poor family. And I have never been able to score more than 80 per cent. Exams make me nervous and I lose confidence.
I am confused about my future as I don’t know whether to pursue a Master’s in Arts or a B.Ed degree. My questions are:
-How can I gain courage and confidence?
-What is good for me, MA or B.Ed?
-How can I leverage my growth opportunities in teaching?
Sanjeev M A
Dear Sanjeev,
Your questions about getting more opportunities to grow in teaching are probably better answered by those who are currently in the field of education, or career counsellors. As far as doing an M.A or a B.Ed, again I am not the best person to answer this, but my guess is that if you really want to grow as a teacher, you would eventually need to do both. And if you want to teach at the college level, you may even benefit by doing a Ph.D. What I am going to address in this column is the lack of confidence that you are faced with.
Confidence is a function of your ability to feel strong about yourself. You can do this by recognising your strengths and weaknesses; by gaining strength from your strengths and accepting your weaknesses so that you can overcome them or live with them, whichever you choose to do. We lack confidence when we believe that we should be a ‘perfect’ person that we are not, and that everyone else is. When we recognise our strengths and accept our weaknesses, we feel more capable and confident about facing the world. We need to realise that no one is perfect, not even the person we idolise. And, just like no one is perfect, neither are we. So we are not worse off than anyone else.
Only when we are able to accept ourselves, are we able to feel confident about facing the world. So
do some introspection and identify your strengths. If your mind is pre-occupied with the fact that you don’t get the marks, you will never be able to truly concentrate on what you are trying to do. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a BA final-year student. My aim is to become an English teacher. I come from a poor family. And I have never been able to score more than 80 per cent. Exams make me nervous and I lose confidence.
I am confused about my future as I don’t know whether to pursue a Master’s in Arts or a B.Ed degree. My questions are:
-How can I gain courage and confidence?
-What is good for me, MA or B.Ed?
-How can I leverage my growth opportunities in teaching?
Sanjeev M A
Dear Sanjeev,
Your questions about getting more opportunities to grow in teaching are probably better answered by those who are currently in the field of education, or career counsellors. As far as doing an M.A or a B.Ed, again I am not the best person to answer this, but my guess is that if you really want to grow as a teacher, you would eventually need to do both. And if you want to teach at the college level, you may even benefit by doing a Ph.D. What I am going to address in this column is the lack of confidence that you are faced with.
Confidence is a function of your ability to feel strong about yourself. You can do this by recognising your strengths and weaknesses; by gaining strength from your strengths and accepting your weaknesses so that you can overcome them or live with them, whichever you choose to do. We lack confidence when we believe that we should be a ‘perfect’ person that we are not, and that everyone else is. When we recognise our strengths and accept our weaknesses, we feel more capable and confident about facing the world. We need to realise that no one is perfect, not even the person we idolise. And, just like no one is perfect, neither are we. So we are not worse off than anyone else.
Only when we are able to accept ourselves, are we able to feel confident about facing the world. So
do some introspection and identify your strengths. If your mind is pre-occupied with the fact that you don’t get the marks, you will never be able to truly concentrate on what you are trying to do. All the best.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Exams causing worry? - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column
[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Education supplement of the Deccan Herald of April 5, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a Second PUC student studying in Belgaum. I have always dreamt of studying in a top, national-level engineering college in India, especially NIT-K. The entrance exam is in April but I am still left with loads of syllabus to cover due to a busy schedule of continuous exams in school. I am confused about whether to prepare only for the national-level entrance test or for the State Board exams and CET. I am aware that both sets of scores are equally important and play an important role in deciding my future in a top-ranked college. Please suggest ways in which I can multi-task and handle the pressure of both exams in the little time that is left. I lack confidence as I am nervous about the little time that is left. Help.
Akshay
Dear Akshay,
I can understand your confusion about what you should focus on, because you seem to be treating the two as different goals. What you are focusing on is not your ultimate goal. It is a stepping stone towards a larger goal — that of being a successful engineer. That larger goal can be attained by either of the routes that you are focussing on, so focus on the learning — not on cramming the syllabus of each exam. The learning will stay with you, and will help you in either situation, whichever exam you give.
Most importantly, believe in yourself and your abilities. These exams are not defining moments, but mere stepping stones. Success in these exams does not guarantee success in life, just like failure in these exams does not imply failure in life. Learn to put everything in perspective, even though it may seem like nothing else in life matters more that what you are doing at that moment.
Sometimes if we magnify the importance of a task in our mind, we end up being overwhelmed by it and feel incompetent to achieve it. Believe in yourself and your abilities more that anything else. Good luck!
Dear Madam,
I am studying in Class 8 and I cannot retain what I learn every day in school. I don’t have a strong concentration power which, in turn, leads to poor scores in exams. I confuse the simple things and get the answers wrong. I make the silliest of mistakes while studying Math and Science. I am unable to arrive at the answers without help from a teacher or classmate. When I do homework, I forget what the teacher has taught.
Please help me.
Jyothi Patil
Dear Jyothi,
I am glad you took the time to write, and that you are aware of your problems at your age. Are you too stressed about the outcome of your tests, or your homework? Or, are you too distracted by other things going on around you at home, or in school, to be able to focus? Sometimes when we are overly anxious about doing well in an exam, or doing well in some task, the anxiety controls our mind and does not let our mind function at full capacity. This hampers performance. The trick is to learn to handle that anxiety, and the only way you can begin doing that is by first understanding for yourself what you are anxious about, and then talking about it to someone you trust who will help you deal with it. Think about it. If your mind is engaged in an internal conversation within itself about that anxiety, how will you be able to get the mind to focus on something else. So try to stop that internal conversation by:
- First, listening to it, and
- Second, by controlling it, rather than letting it control you.
Dear Madam,
I am a Second PUC student studying in Belgaum. I have always dreamt of studying in a top, national-level engineering college in India, especially NIT-K. The entrance exam is in April but I am still left with loads of syllabus to cover due to a busy schedule of continuous exams in school. I am confused about whether to prepare only for the national-level entrance test or for the State Board exams and CET. I am aware that both sets of scores are equally important and play an important role in deciding my future in a top-ranked college. Please suggest ways in which I can multi-task and handle the pressure of both exams in the little time that is left. I lack confidence as I am nervous about the little time that is left. Help.
Akshay
Dear Akshay,
I can understand your confusion about what you should focus on, because you seem to be treating the two as different goals. What you are focusing on is not your ultimate goal. It is a stepping stone towards a larger goal — that of being a successful engineer. That larger goal can be attained by either of the routes that you are focussing on, so focus on the learning — not on cramming the syllabus of each exam. The learning will stay with you, and will help you in either situation, whichever exam you give.
Most importantly, believe in yourself and your abilities. These exams are not defining moments, but mere stepping stones. Success in these exams does not guarantee success in life, just like failure in these exams does not imply failure in life. Learn to put everything in perspective, even though it may seem like nothing else in life matters more that what you are doing at that moment.
Sometimes if we magnify the importance of a task in our mind, we end up being overwhelmed by it and feel incompetent to achieve it. Believe in yourself and your abilities more that anything else. Good luck!
Dear Madam,
I am studying in Class 8 and I cannot retain what I learn every day in school. I don’t have a strong concentration power which, in turn, leads to poor scores in exams. I confuse the simple things and get the answers wrong. I make the silliest of mistakes while studying Math and Science. I am unable to arrive at the answers without help from a teacher or classmate. When I do homework, I forget what the teacher has taught.
Please help me.
Jyothi Patil
Dear Jyothi,
I am glad you took the time to write, and that you are aware of your problems at your age. Are you too stressed about the outcome of your tests, or your homework? Or, are you too distracted by other things going on around you at home, or in school, to be able to focus? Sometimes when we are overly anxious about doing well in an exam, or doing well in some task, the anxiety controls our mind and does not let our mind function at full capacity. This hampers performance. The trick is to learn to handle that anxiety, and the only way you can begin doing that is by first understanding for yourself what you are anxious about, and then talking about it to someone you trust who will help you deal with it. Think about it. If your mind is engaged in an internal conversation within itself about that anxiety, how will you be able to get the mind to focus on something else. So try to stop that internal conversation by:
- First, listening to it, and
- Second, by controlling it, rather than letting it control you.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
Face up to the Boards - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column
[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on Mar 15, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I’m so addicted to the Internet that I’m not able to concentrate on my studies. I aim to become an IAS officer. But my lack of concentration is giving me a hard time. Please help me. What should I do to focus on studies? I just tend to procrastinate my work. I’m worried about my performance at the Boards.
SPH
Dear SPH,
By the time this letter gets published, you are probably right in the thick of your Board exams. Fortunately the problem that you raise ‘lack of concentration’ is one that is completely within your control. It is not an external problem or situation that you cannot control, even though you make it sound like it is something that is just happening without your participation in the process. If you are bored then please do some introspection and figure out for yourself why you are bored. Are you just focussing on learning everything by rote, in which case even the most interesting subject can become boring?
Are you feeing too stressed and pressured by the outcome (i.e. the results) that you are not really focussing on learning anything? Have you been trying to spend every waking minute studying, without any time for rest, relaxation and recreation, in which case you are probably tired and burnt out by now and unable to focus anymore? Remember to be able to concentrate while you are studying, you must get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, and relax. Make sure your worries are not what are clouding your mind and not allowing you to focus. If that is the case, then please share your worries with someone you can trust. Let them hold your worries for you, while you clear your mind and focus on your task on hand.
Dear Madam.
I am third-year, B.Sc (agriculture) studying in UAS, Raichur. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. My percentage is good but I have three arrears to clear. I am constantly distracted by friends and chit-chat. They tease me which makes me angry, but I control myself. I practise a bit of yoga too. I want to pursue an MSc in Entomology.
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
I am not in any position to recommend books to you, nor can I comment on your choice of subject for post-graduation. However, I can help you with the pressure and stress that the teasing by your friends is causing you. I understand that it is making you feel angry, and you feel you need to control that anger. It is important to recognise and accept that you are feeling angry, and that it is okay to feel angry. However, what you do with that anger is important. Do you allow it to disturb your concentration because it is eating you up from within, or do you allow it to goad you to speak your mind, and let your friends know how you feel, so that they feel pressured to change their behaviour. Sometimes, we feel angry, and are not sure of ourselves, and therefore fear that if we speak up we will lose our friends; if we show our true feelings, we will appear to be weak. On the contrary, having the courage to speak up and let people know how you feel is a sign of great strength. Believe in yourself, and your worth, and don’t let the fear of losing your friends hold you back. Let them know how their behaviour makes you feel. If nothing else, their response, will provide you with a test to benchmark their friendship.
Meanwhile doing yoga and deep breathing are good stress-busters and will help you calm down.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student, studying under ICSE Board. I have scored averagely in my unit tests, but I have failed three subjects in the preps because of lack of concentration. I know I can do better, but it’s somehow not happening. I am not at all confident about passing the Boards, which will start soon. I want to concentrate on my studies and nothing else till my Boards get over. I come from a family of rank holders. I am worried about embarrassing my family members and relatives. How many hours should I study every day? How can I devise a strong daily time-table that will help me study more in less time?
Freda
Dear Freda,
By the time this response gets published, you will be in the midst of your Board exams. All I can say is that fear can be a really negative emotion which holds you back from performing to your true potential. Don’t let fear bring you down. When you are really scared of something, try and analyse what it is that you are really scared about. You mentioned that everyone in your family is a rank holder and that if you don’t do well it will be a big embarrassment.
Please don’t let external pressures like this be your motivators. If at all you want to do well, it should be because that is something that you desire, not because it is something for the benefit of everyone around you. Remember, that you are unique and special in your own way. Know your own strengths and weaknesses. If academics is not your strength, it does not mean that you are not worthy and capable in other aspects of your life, or that you are of less value to those around you.
In any case academic achievements are not a guarantee of success in life — only of success in exams. Even if you don’t do as well as you, and others, would like, you still have the rest of your life to be successful in ways that you want. Exams are merely a stepping-stone, or a door-opener. So, for whatever is left of your exams, good luck and learn to relax.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I’m so addicted to the Internet that I’m not able to concentrate on my studies. I aim to become an IAS officer. But my lack of concentration is giving me a hard time. Please help me. What should I do to focus on studies? I just tend to procrastinate my work. I’m worried about my performance at the Boards.
SPH
Dear SPH,
By the time this letter gets published, you are probably right in the thick of your Board exams. Fortunately the problem that you raise ‘lack of concentration’ is one that is completely within your control. It is not an external problem or situation that you cannot control, even though you make it sound like it is something that is just happening without your participation in the process. If you are bored then please do some introspection and figure out for yourself why you are bored. Are you just focussing on learning everything by rote, in which case even the most interesting subject can become boring?
Are you feeing too stressed and pressured by the outcome (i.e. the results) that you are not really focussing on learning anything? Have you been trying to spend every waking minute studying, without any time for rest, relaxation and recreation, in which case you are probably tired and burnt out by now and unable to focus anymore? Remember to be able to concentrate while you are studying, you must get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, and relax. Make sure your worries are not what are clouding your mind and not allowing you to focus. If that is the case, then please share your worries with someone you can trust. Let them hold your worries for you, while you clear your mind and focus on your task on hand.
Dear Madam.
I am third-year, B.Sc (agriculture) studying in UAS, Raichur. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. My percentage is good but I have three arrears to clear. I am constantly distracted by friends and chit-chat. They tease me which makes me angry, but I control myself. I practise a bit of yoga too. I want to pursue an MSc in Entomology.
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
I am not in any position to recommend books to you, nor can I comment on your choice of subject for post-graduation. However, I can help you with the pressure and stress that the teasing by your friends is causing you. I understand that it is making you feel angry, and you feel you need to control that anger. It is important to recognise and accept that you are feeling angry, and that it is okay to feel angry. However, what you do with that anger is important. Do you allow it to disturb your concentration because it is eating you up from within, or do you allow it to goad you to speak your mind, and let your friends know how you feel, so that they feel pressured to change their behaviour. Sometimes, we feel angry, and are not sure of ourselves, and therefore fear that if we speak up we will lose our friends; if we show our true feelings, we will appear to be weak. On the contrary, having the courage to speak up and let people know how you feel is a sign of great strength. Believe in yourself, and your worth, and don’t let the fear of losing your friends hold you back. Let them know how their behaviour makes you feel. If nothing else, their response, will provide you with a test to benchmark their friendship.
Meanwhile doing yoga and deep breathing are good stress-busters and will help you calm down.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student, studying under ICSE Board. I have scored averagely in my unit tests, but I have failed three subjects in the preps because of lack of concentration. I know I can do better, but it’s somehow not happening. I am not at all confident about passing the Boards, which will start soon. I want to concentrate on my studies and nothing else till my Boards get over. I come from a family of rank holders. I am worried about embarrassing my family members and relatives. How many hours should I study every day? How can I devise a strong daily time-table that will help me study more in less time?
Freda
Dear Freda,
By the time this response gets published, you will be in the midst of your Board exams. All I can say is that fear can be a really negative emotion which holds you back from performing to your true potential. Don’t let fear bring you down. When you are really scared of something, try and analyse what it is that you are really scared about. You mentioned that everyone in your family is a rank holder and that if you don’t do well it will be a big embarrassment.
Please don’t let external pressures like this be your motivators. If at all you want to do well, it should be because that is something that you desire, not because it is something for the benefit of everyone around you. Remember, that you are unique and special in your own way. Know your own strengths and weaknesses. If academics is not your strength, it does not mean that you are not worthy and capable in other aspects of your life, or that you are of less value to those around you.
In any case academic achievements are not a guarantee of success in life — only of success in exams. Even if you don’t do as well as you, and others, would like, you still have the rest of your life to be successful in ways that you want. Exams are merely a stepping-stone, or a door-opener. So, for whatever is left of your exams, good luck and learn to relax.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Making a Difference
[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald on March 1, 2011]
Unbiased support
What role does a counsellor play in the life of a student? A significant one, says Maullika Sharma
Skeptics have often asked me what role I play as a school counsellor. What difference do I make? Do children even know when they need help? I have often pondered over these questions myself. And the answer I come up with is always a ‘yes’. Yes, I play a significant role. Yes, I make a difference. And, yes, surprising as it may seem, children always know when things just don’t feel right. The role of a school counsellor is manifold, and I am going to spend sometime exploring each aspect of it as I see it.
Firstly, and most importantly, the counsellor must provide the proverbial “safe space” for the students. By “safe” I mean one where they experience unconditional positive regard and non judgmental acceptance of the person that they are; where their confidentiality is sacrosanct; where all the threatening and terrifying forces of school, and the world at large, can’t get to them.
This is the most obvious role so I am not going to spend much time dwelling on it. However, besides being a safe space for the students, the counsellor’s room must also be a safe space for the adults — the teachers and the parents. The teachers, like the rest of us, maybe struggling with life’s challenges as well. In giving them access to this safe space, the chances that they will carry the impact of their life’s struggles into their classrooms gets reduced. It is important to help teachers deal with their emotional baggage so that they can be more emotionally available to their students.
Often the people most in need of this safe space are the parents who are trying to juggle issues of work, livelihood, relationships, responsibilities and parenting, all at the same time. Giving them the opportunity to get help, without the social stigma and inertia of seeking out a counsellor, can give them a whole different perspective on life — theirs and their child’s. I honestly believe, the younger the child, the greater the need to work with the parents.
The second role the counsellor plays in a school is to put the emotional and mental health of the students on the school agenda. This involves training teachers on the emotional impact of their words and deeds, as well as increasing their awareness on issues that positively or negatively affect a child’s self esteem and mental health and well-being. It involves helping them air and challenge their irrational beliefs about the world around them, their role and the role of children, among a host of other beliefs. Many children come from troubled emotional backgrounds and family systems, and school often provides them a second chance to experience normalcy.
Teachers need to understand the impact of their words and deeds on the lives that they are helping shape.
The counsellor also needs to play a similar role with parents, be it by conducting training sessions, or regular communications, or by family therapy sessions.
The third role is to help parents navigate the confusing landscape of mental health and illness that they may find themselves in; while at the same time making sure that the school systems are accepting of special support that may be needed by the child. Parents are often confused when they are unable to understand a child’s behaviour and if abnormal behaviour persists they don’t know where to go and whom to turn to. Also, if they are faced with diagnosis of mental illness for their child, they don’t understand the implications and often don’t know how to react or respond to best support their child. They are overwhelmed with their own anxieties and pressures, that they are unable to be available for their child when their child needs them most.
They are unable to accept the diagnosis and often go into denial about the child needing any extra support. Yet, acceptance is the only way forward. Acknowledging that it is neither their’s, nor their child’s fault is the only path forward and a counsellor can play a significant role in helping parents getting to this point of acceptance.
Finally, the last role as I see it, is that of an ombudsman for the parents in the school — not for administrative and routine issues, but for issues that have an emotional impact on the child. Parents often have no one to turn to for this — if there is a problem with a teacher they generally keep quiet because they don’t want the child to be further targeted in the school. Being assured of confidentiality with the counsellor helps them air their grievances. This gives them a feeling of being empowered as they are able to highlight the issue without fear of the child being harmed. It also offers them a different perspective on the concern that they have, while the counsellor simultaneously looks at the systemic problem areas along with the school authorities.
The goal of everyone — the parents, the teachers, the school administration — is the same, i.e. the well-being of the students in their care. However, in an attempt to perform their role better, each party inadvertently assumes the other one is wrong. A counsellor can help all parties remember that they are all in this together hoping to achieve the same end result. A counsellor can make the relationship more cooperative rather than confrontational.
Unbiased support
What role does a counsellor play in the life of a student? A significant one, says Maullika Sharma
Skeptics have often asked me what role I play as a school counsellor. What difference do I make? Do children even know when they need help? I have often pondered over these questions myself. And the answer I come up with is always a ‘yes’. Yes, I play a significant role. Yes, I make a difference. And, yes, surprising as it may seem, children always know when things just don’t feel right. The role of a school counsellor is manifold, and I am going to spend sometime exploring each aspect of it as I see it. Firstly, and most importantly, the counsellor must provide the proverbial “safe space” for the students. By “safe” I mean one where they experience unconditional positive regard and non judgmental acceptance of the person that they are; where their confidentiality is sacrosanct; where all the threatening and terrifying forces of school, and the world at large, can’t get to them.
This is the most obvious role so I am not going to spend much time dwelling on it. However, besides being a safe space for the students, the counsellor’s room must also be a safe space for the adults — the teachers and the parents. The teachers, like the rest of us, maybe struggling with life’s challenges as well. In giving them access to this safe space, the chances that they will carry the impact of their life’s struggles into their classrooms gets reduced. It is important to help teachers deal with their emotional baggage so that they can be more emotionally available to their students.
Often the people most in need of this safe space are the parents who are trying to juggle issues of work, livelihood, relationships, responsibilities and parenting, all at the same time. Giving them the opportunity to get help, without the social stigma and inertia of seeking out a counsellor, can give them a whole different perspective on life — theirs and their child’s. I honestly believe, the younger the child, the greater the need to work with the parents.
The second role the counsellor plays in a school is to put the emotional and mental health of the students on the school agenda. This involves training teachers on the emotional impact of their words and deeds, as well as increasing their awareness on issues that positively or negatively affect a child’s self esteem and mental health and well-being. It involves helping them air and challenge their irrational beliefs about the world around them, their role and the role of children, among a host of other beliefs. Many children come from troubled emotional backgrounds and family systems, and school often provides them a second chance to experience normalcy.
Teachers need to understand the impact of their words and deeds on the lives that they are helping shape.
The counsellor also needs to play a similar role with parents, be it by conducting training sessions, or regular communications, or by family therapy sessions.
The third role is to help parents navigate the confusing landscape of mental health and illness that they may find themselves in; while at the same time making sure that the school systems are accepting of special support that may be needed by the child. Parents are often confused when they are unable to understand a child’s behaviour and if abnormal behaviour persists they don’t know where to go and whom to turn to. Also, if they are faced with diagnosis of mental illness for their child, they don’t understand the implications and often don’t know how to react or respond to best support their child. They are overwhelmed with their own anxieties and pressures, that they are unable to be available for their child when their child needs them most.
They are unable to accept the diagnosis and often go into denial about the child needing any extra support. Yet, acceptance is the only way forward. Acknowledging that it is neither their’s, nor their child’s fault is the only path forward and a counsellor can play a significant role in helping parents getting to this point of acceptance.
Finally, the last role as I see it, is that of an ombudsman for the parents in the school — not for administrative and routine issues, but for issues that have an emotional impact on the child. Parents often have no one to turn to for this — if there is a problem with a teacher they generally keep quiet because they don’t want the child to be further targeted in the school. Being assured of confidentiality with the counsellor helps them air their grievances. This gives them a feeling of being empowered as they are able to highlight the issue without fear of the child being harmed. It also offers them a different perspective on the concern that they have, while the counsellor simultaneously looks at the systemic problem areas along with the school authorities.
The goal of everyone — the parents, the teachers, the school administration — is the same, i.e. the well-being of the students in their care. However, in an attempt to perform their role better, each party inadvertently assumes the other one is wrong. A counsellor can help all parties remember that they are all in this together hoping to achieve the same end result. A counsellor can make the relationship more cooperative rather than confrontational.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)