Your only limit is you - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[This column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education pages on April 14, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I have been very poor in academics right from my childhood. I used to score about 61-70% in high school. In Class 10, I got grade D in maths. I just finished Class 12 exams and am scared that I haven’t performed well, especially in mathematics.
My favourite hobby is chess and I have been playing it for the past eight years and have represented India in several international tournaments as well. My parents and lecturers are pressurizing me to do well in entrance exams but, I have lost all my confidence. I do not have any more faith in my academics. Please help.

A student
Dear Student,

Everyone has different strength areas, and areas that they are not so good at. Just because you find mathematics difficult, or academics a bit challenging, it does not mean that you are not capable or any less worthy a person. It is important for each of us to know our strength areas and leverage them in life. The same people who are putting pressure on you in academics, fail to recognise and give you credit for your excellent performance in chess. Please remember that marks are not the gateway to success in life.

Marks may open some doors for you, but they do not guarantee success in life. Success in life depends on many other things like your ability to work in a team, and lead a team, your ability to solve problems and come up with out-of-the-box solutions, your ability to communicate, your confidence. Many of these are things you may have learnt by your experiences in playing chess and these will also hold you in good stead in life. Learn to look at yourself in totality with all your strengths and weaknesses. Put in your best effort, and remember, if one door closes, another one will open.

Dear Madam,

I’m currently in the first year of MBBS course, but I have lost interest in it. I like doing something creative but this course gives no emphasis on that. It’s all about rote learning and reproducing the same in the exams. I also love interacting with new people but I have lost direction and I don’t find any purpose in my life. What do you suggest I should do?
Kaushik Reddy
Dear Kaushik,

If MBBS is not something that you are finding interesting, you may want to consider changing your line. You may have wasted a year, but it is a short span compared to the rest of your life. It is better to spend your life doing something you enjoy and are passionate about, rather than going about the rest of your life like a chore.

You may want to consider getting the help of a career counsellor to see what truly interests you and the best possible ways to explore them. You don’t need to stick to a field that you don’t enjoy. So, consider your options and see if those are more interesting for you. But remember, whatever path you choose, you need to arrive at your own definition of success for you to feel satisfied. You cannot chase others’ definitions of success.

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Class 10 (CBSE) in a residential school. I face a lot of difficulty in maths and science. All my marks are above 80% now, except in maths and science. I often doze off in class.

When I want to study, I doze off and find it difficult to wake up early in the mornings too. While I do make timetables for myself, I find it hard to follow them regularly. The only time I study is when the exams are close, and I manage to score around 65%. Could you tell me how to focus and concentrate?
Athmiya A R
Dear Athmiya,

Is it possible that you are so anxious about maths and science that whenever you need to face them, your system shuts down due to anxiety and you tend to fall off to sleep? Is it possible that consulting a counsellor to help you with your anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed? I don’t know if there is a counsellor in your school. If not, you can reach out to a counsellor on the Parivarthan Counselling at 080 65333323.

This is a free helpline for students like you, where a counsellor can help you deal with your exam anxiety and stress. If the mind is very anxious, it becomes difficult to concentrate and focus on studies because the mind is full of thoughts stemming from that anxiety.

Please read my articles, which were published in this newspaper earlier at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html; www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. They may help you understand what you are experiencing and give you some guidelines on dealing with it. All the best.

Dear Madam,

I finished Class 12 and tried getting into MBBS, but couldn’t get a seat. I have chosen to take a year’s gap and write the entrance exam again. As I am very weak in organic chemistry, I am apprehensive about the exams. What if I don’t get a seat again? Could you suggest ways in which I can rid myself of the fear of organic chemistry fear and gain more confidence?

Sadikha Sultana
Dear Sadikha,

Sometimes getting a good teacher makes all the difference, and you may want to try and find yourself a good private tutor for organic chemistry. However, you don’t need to ‘love’ the subject — just understanding it may be enough! Everyone has some subjects that they are better at than others, and in your case you are better at other subjects compared to organic chemistry. It does not mean that you should let your weakness in organic chemistry define your sense of your own capability in other subjects.

It is courageous of you to take a year’s gap to pursue what you wish. Not many students have the courage to do that. It speaks well about your determination and interest. However, it is important not to start thinking that it is the only path you can take.

That is one of the many paths you can take and if, for some reason, that path shuts down, there will always be other paths that you can explore — provided you allow yourself the possibility of that choice. Everyone has a preferred path, but it’s a mistake when we feel there’s only one path for us. There are many choices available in life. Good luck.

Don't let others decide your worth - Ask your counsellof Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on January 21, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in class 10 (CBSE) in a residential school. I have lost all my hopes to achieve what I want in academics. When I was in the junior classes, I was the topper of my class every time. After class 8, my academic performance went weak.

Now I have scored 86 % in the first semester examination. Sometimes I feel it is because of the heavy syllabus. But I have no difficulty in understanding the subject. Everyone who is average, is performing well. I have an exam fear.

I can’t tolerate the tension when I see the question paper in the exams. I put in all my efforts. But I am not getting the results. Please suggest me ways to overcome my exam fever and to gain confidence.A student
Dear student,

The fact that you are facing exam anxiety is not unique to you. Many, many students face anxiety before their exams – especially major exams like the one you are going to take. If your school has a counsellor, I suggest you reach out  for help. Sometimes, a trusted teacher may also play that role effectively. Counselling will help you understand your fears and anxieties and how to face them.

Alternatively, you could reach out to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323, which is  free of cost. You will be able to reach a counsellor on the phone who will be able to help you. I have written a lot about exam fear in this column, and all my previous writings can be found on my blog Personalorbitchange.blogspot.in

You could go through the earlier columns and I am sure many of your questions and fears will get answered there. I want to particularly draw you to two articles I have written on this topic which I think will be helpful for you: Why exams are nothing to fear about? (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and Demystifying exam anxiety ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html ).

Dear Madam,

I am in class 10. My board exams are in another few weeks. But, I am not able to concentrate on studies because all my classmates complained about me to my teacher. Now, everyone thinks that I am a bad person. I feel I am being isolated. Please help me out.

Akshara Rao
Dear Akshara,
Just because someone said something about you does not mean that becomes the truth. Also, why are you giving others so much power that they decide whether you are a good person or a bad person? No one is a ‘bad’ person — you may have done something ‘bad’ but that does not mean you are bad in totality. And what gives the others the power to decide whether you are good or bad.

That is something you need to believe and decide about yourself. If you believe you are a bad person, then that is what others start reflecting around you. So believe in yourself. Know your strengths and capabilities and know that everyone has some weaknesses. But most importantly, don’t allow others to pass a decisive judgment on you. They only have that power if you give it to them.

If your classmates complained about you to your teacher, that does not mean that you are not a ‘good’ person and that no one should interact with you. But if you start believing that about yourself then others start thinking that way too.All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a 17-year-old student. I just graduated class 12. I wanted to study medicine, but did not get a suitable rank. But I was so determined to get into medical at that time, that my parents allowed me take a year off for the preparations of competitive exams. Now I don’t know why but I’m not able to concentrate or control my mind. I seem to be getting distracted a lot while studying.

Exams are nearing and I am getting tense about the results. I did not join any coaching institute as my parents told me self-preparation is the best way. I thought it won’t be that difficult since I had already gone through the syllabus once. But now, I am facing difficulties. I don’t know what to do. I am starting to doubt my own abilities. I still want to study medicine, but I am starting to feel that I won’t get a good rank this year too. Please help me.Vasudha
Dear Vasudha

You need to believe in yourself. Maybe you are not being able to concentrate because of anxiety around the exams. Because you took a year off to prepare, you may be feeling under pressure to do well. Remember that this entrance exam is not an end in itself. It is just a means to an end. And if you don’t do well in this exam, it does not mean that you are a total failure.

All it means is that you may need to look for some other doors that may open for you, some other opportunities that may come your way. It is good to pursue your dream and give it your best shot. But if you are not able to achieve it, it does not mean that all is lost. As for needing help, there is still time and you may still be able to get some help.

You could get some help with a one-to-one tutor who could just work with your doubts and that may help give you some confidence. Meanwhile, you may also want to read this article on exam anxiety which may be of help http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. All the best.

Follow your passion - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 7, 2013]

Follow your passion

Dear Madam,
I am a second year B E student in EEE branch VTU. I have 1 backlog in each of my semesters. I am not able to give my best. I was doing well in my school and PUC. Will I get a good job even if I have backlogs? I am totally stressed. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Please help.

Kamalesh

Dear Kamalesh


I understand that you are stressed because your parents have a lot of hopes from you. It may be worthwhile for you to make a concrete list of those hopes. For example they may want some amount of financial support (specify how much), or they may want you to live in the same town/house as them.


Or they may want to live with you. Or they may want none of this, but may just want to be able to tell their friends and family that their son is very “successful”.

Or they may just want you to be happy. You need to be able to understand for yourself, what you think are their expectations of you. When you say “lots of hope” you are dealing with an ambiguous entity which may be like a mirage, which you will constantly keep chasing and never be able to reach.

Once you are able to understand their expectations, two things may happen. Firstly you may realize that getting a “good” job as an engineer may not be the only way to live up to their expectations. Other careers and opportunities may also give you that option. Secondly, you may decide that you may want to live up to some of those expectations and not others. You will feel a sense of control on this process.

I cannot say whether you will get a “good” job if you have backlogs. All I can say is that your marks will only open some doors for you.


They will not guarantee your success. Your success in your career will depend on a lot of other qualities like your ability to work in a team, lead a team, solve problems, think creatively, communicate clearly and confidently, learn quickly, etc. The marks may open some doors, but if one door closes another one will open. The only difference is you may have to look for it a little harder.

Try and understand your worry and your anxiety and befriend them to goad you to do better, rather than treat them as your enemy that stops your from performing.

Good luck.


Dear Madam,
I am studying now in 12th Standard. I am losing my interest in studies. I am so much interested in music that I like to compose songs and I would like to make music direction as a profession. I have practised classical music for 11 years and I know the basics of western music as well. But my parents like me to take Engineering. I am not sure that I will pass the engineering entrance exams. I have failed once in 11th Standard Even if I choose the music field I don’t know what to do. So please give me some tips.

A Student

Dear Student
I understand that your parents want you to do Engineering and that’s why you are being torn between your passion, and what your parents want you to do. I am sure your parents will be comfortable with whatever choice you make, provided you have made an informed decision and know what to do and how to do it.
For that you would need to get more information about the music field and the opportunities in it, the entry barriers, and what you need to do to break them. I am not the right person to tell you about this. You will need to connect with people in the field of music and get their inputs.
Your parents will not be comfortable with your choice if they feel you do not know what you are talking about and are beating around in the dark. Ultimately, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in an enormous amount of effort to excel in it.

And, it is better to excel in your field of choice rather than to be mediocre in any other field.
You may want to try and understand the reasons why your parents want you to do engineering. Once you understand this, you may decide to either follow that path, or follow the path you want.
However, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in a lot of effort to stand out. So don’t let the effort tire you out.

Good luck.
Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PUC PCMB student. My problem is that I lost interest in studies when I was in my 10th Standard and got 3% less than the usual distinction I used to get. Since the past two years, I have totally lost my form and fear that the same would repeat in my finals this year. And I'm very weak in maths. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying.


Dear Student
I have said this in my column several times before, because yours does not seem to be a problem unique to you. It seems to be happening to many students who let the fear of the results, or their “relatively poor” performance in past exams, demotivate them about the future. So understand why you think you should study, and analyse the benefits of studying.
Who do you think will be the biggest beneficiary of your studying? You can choose to let fear control you to inaction, or you can choose to let fear drive you to action. It is entirely in your control, and your choice.
So find your motivation. What is it you want to do in life? Think about whether you will be able to achieve that without studying. What options will be open to you if you do not study? Answer these questions truthfully, not for anyone else, but for yourself and see where they lead you.

All the best

Break work into small bits - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement dt. Jan 17, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a first year MBBS student. My problem is that I am not able to concentrate on studies. Earlier, I used to study well, but now, I seem to have lost my momentum. Kindly help me.

Nusrat Jahan

Dear Nusrat

You will need to tell me a little more about what you are feeling for me to really be able to help you. Why have you lost your momentum? Are you not interested in the subject any more? If this is the case, maybe it is too soon into the course for you to decide that, and you should take a call after some more time if this is something you want to continue with or not. Are you getting anxious about the results, or overwhelmed by the amount of work ahead? If you are getting anxious about the results, you need to focus on the learning and not worry about the marks.

Consider the worst possible outcome if you do not do as well as you would like, and assess whether it is something you can live with. In all probability, if you really think about it, it will be. If you are getting overwhelmed by the amount of work, break it up into small achievable goals, and remember to take stock of each goal as you achieve it, and celebrate its completion.

Sometimes on a tough journey, we need to keep looking back to see how far we have come, rather than look ahead and worry about how far we have to go. Another reason for you to lose momentum could be distractions from friends and romantic relationships. Like I said, I can’t really help you till I know the reason, but hopefully I have given you some pointers.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a class 12 CBSE student. I aspire to join IIT and now about 2 months are left for JEE mains. I have scored close to 70% in our school confidence exams and am very depressed because this is very low compared to my usual 90%. My JEE preparation seems to be bringing own my boards preparation. So, now I am confused whether to concentrate on JEE preparations or boards. Please help.

Manjit

Dear Manjit

You have to aspire to really ‘learn’ what you are studying so that the knowledge stays with you. I cannot say which one you should focus on at the cost of the other. I think both have their own place. But if you want to do engineering, it is good to aspire to do it from the IITs, but it does not mean that if you do not get into IIT, you are a failure.

There are so many other good colleges that you can join. In fact, I know of several hiring managers who prefer engineers from the second rung of colleges because they believe they have more hunger for learning on the job and do not come in with an attitude. So aim for the best, but remember, that that is not the only option. Sometimes, keeping that in perspective, and realizing that that is not the only open door for you to pursue reduces and the stress and anxiety assoicated with the results.

Also, remember, the marks you get, either in the Boards, or in JEE, are no guarantor or success in life. Success in life depends on several other things - your self-esteeem, your belief in your self and your abilities, your ability to communicate, you ability to work in a team and lead a team, your ability to problem solve and think out of the box, etc. etc. Yes, exams and marks are important, but the only role they play is to open some doors. If you don’t have them, you can always try opening other doors. Hope that helps.

Explore careers that suit you - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on December 20, 2012]
Dear Madam,

I am a student in Global Academy Of Technology. I am currently doing my 5th semester in electronics and communication. I keep thinking of what I should do after I finish my engineering. When I ask my seniors, they tell me to take up something that I am good at and have a flair for. My problem is that I don't really know what I am really good at. I don't know if it is really a failure on my part to not realize what I am good at.

Please tell me how I can know in what subject or area I am good at. But I really want to be something different.As in, I don't want to just get into a job and start earning 25k and be happy. Rather, I want to do something unique. May be like being a CEO or the manager of a company or may be going to NASA. I have been an excellent student throughout and have been a rank student in all classes by the graca of God. So, I believe I have the potential but I just don't know how to take it to the next level. Please help me to know how I have to go about to do it.

Aahana Chandran

Dear Aahana

It is nice to hear from someone who recognizes that they have potential and wants to achieve it. One way of finding out what you have a flair for is to really ask yourself what you enjoy doing. What subject interests you and arouses your curiosity the most. This need not necessarily the one in which you get the most marks.
Another way is to talk to people in various fields and understand what each field entails. And then analyse for yourself which field will play to your strengths and minimize the negative effect of your weakness. Of course, before you do this, you must know your strengths. So that may actually be a good place to begin. Do a SWOT analysis for yourself. List out your strengths, and weaknesses, and then find out which opportunities will play to your strengths, and which will be a threat because your weaknesses will have too much of an impact on them. You may possibly consider working with a personal coach or mentor for this.

And remember, any choice you make does not need to be final and fatal. If early on in your journey you make a wrong choice, you can always consider making a change rather than continuing in it endlessly for the rest of your working life. Even if this means the loss of some time, it is better to view it as a learning experience and move on. Often the finality of a choice is what scares us into not being able to make a decision.

One word of caution...being a CEO must not be an end in itself. A CEO of something you enjoy and something you have created is important. And, to reach the top of the ladder you will need to climb every step. Unfortunately there is no way of reaching the top of the ladder by taking a giant leap directly to the topmost step. So, focus on the journey, and enjoy it. That is the key.

Dear Madam,

No matter how hard I try, I can’t understand Math. I was good at Math till the 10th. But now in 11th I find it difficult (out of 4 tests I passed in 2). I used to be a 90s student but now I have landed in the 50s. Nowadays I am not able to study . I feel so low. I have started losing faith in myself. I have no true friends. Everyone talks behind my back. Dark circles around my eyes stop me from talking to others. Still I try to talk to them. People comment on each and every thing. I have long hair. I plait it every time. They have a problem with that too. They expect me to dress according to their wish.

My parents are upset with me. I feel very depressed. Looking at my marks my dad tells me that I won’t be able to get into National Law School, Bangalore. This makes me feel disgusted. I have no clue about what courses to take up after 12th.

All these years I have not been able to prove myself to be more intelligent and beautiful or popular than others. I am afraid I will end up a loner. I am ashamed of myself in front of my parents. I have lost interest in life. I don’t have strength to bear this anymore. I feel like running away from life. What should I do to be a normal person? Please suggest some courses after 12th which you think I am capable of taking up as my career.

A student


Dear Student

You seem to be struggling with many issues at the same time. At the root of all of them, I think, is low self esteem which is making you feel low, inferior, incapable, confused and depressed. You need to recognize your strengths, and gain strength from that knowledge. You also need to know your weaknesses, and accept them as a part of you, since no one is perfect. With this knowledge and acceptance you gain the power to go forth in the world and face whatever challenges come your way. You say you have lost faith in yourself, and to me that is the central issue.

Maths is a great subject and you seem to have been able to enjoy it till recently. You now seem to have developed a mental block about it, possibly arising from this same feeling of being incapable. Maths is all about practise and clear thinking. When your head and heart are all muddled up with confusing emotions, it is very easy to get lost in maths.

Others will always say things that you may not agree with, or that are hurtful, over which you have no choice or control. The important thing to remember is that how much importance you give to that is what you have control over, and is your choice. If you are accepting of yourself and believe in yourself, then others will be forced to mirror the same feelings. If you feel uncomfortable about yourself, people will give you the same messages.

You are a normal person. You just need to believe in yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself. You don’t need to be more intelligent, more popular and more beautiful than others. You just need to be intelligent (emotionally and intellectually) for yourself, to live the best life that is within your power. Life is about you and what you make of it. Everyone else needs to be merely the backdrop, not the key driver. I have written a lot about these issues in the past and my writings can be found on my blog personalorbitchange.blogspot.com .

Face up to the Boards - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on Mar 15, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I’m so addicted to the Internet that I’m not able to concentrate on my studies. I aim to become an IAS officer. But my lack of concentration is giving me a hard time. Please help me. What should I do to focus on studies? I just tend to procrastinate my work. I’m worried about my performance at the Boards.
SPH

Dear SPH,
By the time this letter gets published, you are probably right in the thick of your Board exams. Fortunately the problem that you raise ‘lack of concentration’ is one that is completely within your control. It is not an external problem or situation that you cannot control, even though you make it sound like it is something that is just happening without your participation in the process. If you are bored then please do some introspection and figure out for yourself why you are bored. Are you just focussing on learning everything by rote, in which case even the most interesting subject can become boring?

Are you feeing too stressed and pressured by the outcome (i.e. the results) that you are not really focussing on learning anything? Have you been trying to spend every waking minute studying, without any time for rest, relaxation and recreation, in which case you are probably tired and burnt out by now and unable to focus anymore? Remember to be able to concentrate while you are studying, you must get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, and relax. Make sure your worries are not what are clouding your mind and not allowing you to focus. If that is the case, then please share your worries with someone you can trust. Let them hold your worries for you, while you clear your mind and focus on your task on hand.

Dear Madam.
I am third-year, B.Sc (agriculture) studying in UAS, Raichur. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. My percentage is good but I have three arrears to clear. I am constantly distracted by friends and chit-chat. They tease me which makes me angry, but I control myself. I practise a bit of yoga too. I want to pursue an MSc in Entomology.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
I am not in any position to recommend books to you, nor can I comment on your choice of subject for post-graduation. However, I can help you with the pressure and stress that the teasing by your friends is causing you. I understand that it is making you feel angry, and you feel you need to control that anger. It is important to recognise and accept that you are feeling angry, and that it is okay to feel angry. However, what you do with that anger is important. Do you allow it to disturb your concentration because it is eating you up from within, or do you allow it to goad you to speak your mind, and let your friends know how you feel, so that they feel pressured to change their behaviour. Sometimes, we feel angry, and are not sure of ourselves, and therefore fear that if we speak up we will lose our friends; if we show our true feelings, we will appear to be weak. On the contrary, having the courage to speak up and let people know how you feel is a sign of great strength. Believe in yourself, and your worth, and don’t let the fear of losing your friends hold you back. Let them know how their behaviour makes you feel. If nothing else, their response, will provide you with a test to benchmark their friendship.
Meanwhile doing yoga and deep breathing are good stress-busters and will help you calm down.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student, studying under ICSE Board. I have scored averagely in my unit tests, but I have failed three subjects in the preps because of lack of concentration. I know I can do better, but it’s somehow not happening. I am not at all confident about passing the Boards, which will start soon. I want to concentrate on my studies and nothing else till my Boards get over. I come from a family of rank holders. I am worried about embarrassing my family members and relatives. How many hours should I study every day? How can I devise a strong daily time-table that will help me study more in less time?
Freda

Dear Freda,
By the time this response gets published, you will be in the midst of your Board exams. All I can say is that fear can be a really negative emotion which holds you back from performing to your true potential. Don’t let fear bring you down. When you are really scared of something, try and analyse what it is that you are really scared about. You mentioned that everyone in your family is a rank holder and that if you don’t do well it will be a big embarrassment.

Please don’t let external pressures like this be your motivators. If at all you want to do well, it should be because that is something that you desire, not because it is something for the benefit of everyone around you. Remember, that you are unique and special in your own way. Know your own strengths and weaknesses. If academics is not your strength, it does not mean that you are not worthy and capable in other aspects of your life, or that you are of less value to those around you.

In any case academic achievements are not a guarantee of success in life — only of success in exams. Even if you don’t do as well as you, and others, would like, you still have the rest of your life to be successful in ways that you want. Exams are merely a stepping-stone, or a door-opener. So, for whatever is left of your exams, good luck and learn to relax.

Work can do wonders - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Feb 23, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am a second-year, B.Com student and I come from an agricultural family. I have studied in Kannada medium till Class 10. My ambition is to become a chartered accountant. But I also have familial responsibilities to handle before that. I have scored 76%, 81% and 72% respectively in three semesters, but 90% is my target. I am a hard worker and dedicated but still I cannot reach my target. Am I overconfident of my skills? I have the following questions:

*I studied in Kannada medium. Is that getting in the way?
*Why am I securing marks between the above percentages only? What steps can I take to reach my target?
*How can I avoid being overconfident?
*My father suggests I take up a job after completing B.Com and pursue an MBA through correspondence. Is that possible?
Swapna G

Dear Swapna
I feel that you may have clarity on this matter by meeting a career counsellor. However, here is what I feel about the questions you have raised. You say your ambition is to complete CA. Let me caution you — while you may like to complete your CA exam, your ambition should not be to complete the exam, but to become a successful chartered accountant. The exam is not a goal in itself and does not guarantee success. The exam is merely a necessary stepping stone to your becoming a professional in that area. I am sure if you put in your best effort, you will be able to achieve whatever it is you want. Remember that marks are only stepping stones, and not goals in themselves. They are also not guarantors of success in life, which depends on many other things, the least important of which are marks.

I am not sure how you have arrived at the conclusion that you are overconfident. Are you not putting in your best effort? If that is the case, then it is creditable that you have that self-realisation. The only way around that is to put in 100% of your effort. Focus on the effort, not the marks, because the only thing you can control is your effort, not the marks. Nothing is a problem, if you are aware of it and willing to work at overcoming it. English is the language of the business world in most of India, and a good working knowledge of English will definitely help you. But the problem can be easily overcome by focusing on it and taking English language classes.

I am not sure if M.Com really adds any value, unless you are going in for further higher education and academics. For a job in the corporate world an MBA would be more beneficial. However, I do feel that doing an MBA after working for a couple of years is more advantageous. So even if your family needs are pushing you towards a job now, you could always do an MBA a couple of years later when things have settled down.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 (ICSE) student with a Science, Math and Computer combination. I performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue to perform like this, I won’t be doing very well in the pre-boards and Boards. I constantly forget theories and keep mixing them up. I don’t know why I can’t focus on my studies. I am distracted by the computer, mobile, etc.

While studying, I keep confusing one theory for another, especially in subjects such as Physics and Chemistry. I am afraid to share these concerns with my teachers. My parents don’t understand the issues. I have tried following time tables but that has not helped either. I need some help in focusing. Please help.
Student

Dear Student,
You seem to be really tense about your exams, and it seems that your anxiety about the future is not letting you focus on what you need to do in the present. I have talked about this often in this column before and I want to point you to a couple of my articles which address this issue. Please read them if you get a chance. It’s not the end of the road at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
and Why exams are nothing to worry about” at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html

It is very important for you to feel relaxed in order to be able to concentrate. Try some yoga and deep breathing to help you calm down. Let technology be a tool that helps you, not one that makes you a slave to it. The reason you get easily distracted is because you are tense, and the distractions become an easy “escape mechanism”. You say that you are shy to discuss these concerns with your teachers. We are generally shy when we think we are not good enough and therefore, feel the need to hide. Remember that you are not alone in having these anxieties and fears about exams, and your teachers probably have many students come up to them with the same fears. To have fear is normal. It does not make you any less worthy or capable.

Don’t let the fear overpower you. Talking about it makes it somehow seem manageable. So talk about it, not only to your teachers, but also to your parents. I am not sure I understand why you feel your parents are unapproachable. Sometimes, we build barriers in communication in our mind and they are not based on any reality. Try talking to your parents. They may surprise you by understanding.
All the best.

Take it easy, kids! - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 9, 2012]

Dear Madam,
Please tell me how to study (I get tense while studying), improve my concentration and memory skills? I can’t spend more than 10 minutes studying as I get distracted with texting or reading books. I am a procrastinator. I face difficulty in spelling words. Is it too late to learn how to spell?
Student

Dear Student,
As I have said in this column many times before, you need to study for the sake of learning. You need to focus on putting in your best effort, and not on the result, because the effort is the only thing within your control. If you put in your best effort, then even if you don’t get the marks, at least the learning stays with you. The marks will depend on several other external factors on which you will not have any control. So focus on putting in your best effort and on the learning (which are the only things in this equation that you have direct control on).

You need to address your fear of the outcome that is making you tense. What are you worried about? When your mind is preoccupied with the tension, how can it concentrate on the learning. You need to voice your fears and worries (either to a trusted adult, or to a counsellor if you have access to one) so that you can either work through them, or throw them out. As for succumbing to distractions and putting things off, or taking things lightly — we only do that when we think we are doing something for somebody else and it is not really for our benefit. If we recognise that the effort in studying is purely for our benefit and our long-term gain then we don’t get distracted so easily, nor do we start doing other things — because we enjoy what we are doing, and we do it for ourselves (not to keep our parents happy).

I don’t think it is too late to learn anything, and I am sure if you focus on your spellings, you will be able to learn them. As a starter make sure that everything you write is correctly spelt. Don’t let the spell-check do the work on the computer — do it yourself. And avoid the SMS abbreviated forms, which I feel, tend to make people assume that those abbreviations are the actual acceptable way of spelling. Most of the questions I get in this column are in SMS abbreviate language when they come!

Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC student and I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the rest of my class as I spent three months in NCC camps. I am in the Science stream and I am interested in Psychology and Marine Biology but cannot choose between the two. I have been getting good marks in Zoology but scoring low in Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Botany. My exams are coming up and I am not able to concentrate, in class and at home. Help.
Vidyasri

Dear Vidyasri,
I am not in a position to help you in your subject choices. Maybe you should discuss that with a career counsellor. Your choice of subjects should ultimately depend on your career goals and aspirations. The subjects chosen should ideally be an aid to that choice.

It is creditable that you are keeping up with your extra-curricular activities, though it seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you. Don’t think of them as unnecessary activities which sap you of time. Instead think of yourself as being fortunate in being involved in them, because these give you life skills that no amount of classroom teaching will give. And ultimately success in the workplace and in life, depends not so much on your marks, but on your leadership and communication skills, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think creatively and think out of the box, your ability to solve a problem and a lot of other skills. Success today depends most on your self esteem. You will find a lot of material on this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/

Dear Madam,
I am a Second PUC student and I am finding it hard to focus on subjects due to ‘result anxiety’. Every time I start with a subject, I get excited thinking about the results but later lose interest in the subject. I was a bright student during school but the last two years have been disappointing, results wise. I haven’t done much. My parents have high hopes on me and are expecting me to crack IIT-JEE or AIEEE. I am under a lot of pressure and this is affecting my ability to concentrate.
Anxious Student

Dear Anxious Student,
I think you need to deal with your anxieties, because if you have so much anxiety you certainly will not be able to concentrate. I think you need to communicate your anxieties to your parents, and let them know how their pressure is not helping you. Please talk to an adult you can trust, or to a counsellor (if you have access to one) to get help on dealing with your anxiety. You need to be able to understand for yourself what your anxiety is due to. Anxiety is the result of a fear that we have of a potentially bad outcome. Understand what you are fearful of, and then gauge for yourself if those fears are rational or not.

Yes, your parents, may be having high hopes for you (as all parents do for their children) but your worth to them is, I am sure, not based only on your cracking the IIT-JEE or AIEEE exams. You can live up to their hopes of your success by doing well in any field that you choose. Like I have said many times before, success in life is not dependent only on your marks and exam results.

In fact later in life they have no significance. Success in life is dependent on, more than anything else, your self esteem. So focus on the learning, not the marks. Focus on finding your passion and excelling in it, not on clearing an exam for your parents’ sake. I am sure your parents want you to clear the IIT-JEE exam because that is the path they know to success and happiness. You can prove them wrong by finding another path to the same goal!

De-clutter your mind before you study - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following post, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on December 15, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 10 (ICSE Board) with a Science, Math and Computers combination. I have performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue in this pattern, I will not be able to score well for the final exams. I tend to forget theory. I am easily distracted by access to the Internet and my mobile phone. While studying, I tend to switch between subjects. For example, I keep mixing subjects. While studying Physics, my mind is cluttered with doubts about a chapter in Chemistry and when I shift to Chemistry, I start thinking about doubts in History/Economics. I don’t know why I cannot bring myself to share these problems with my family, teachers or school principal. My parents don’t understand my issue. I have tried following time tables, advice. But I am unable to create a study routine and stick to it. I am confused about my future. I need some help in getting more focus into my studying studies. Please help.
Student

Dear Student,
There are several issues you have brought up. I am going to list them below to make sure that I have understood them correctly.

First, you seem to be very tense and anxious about your exams and are afraid of the results. Second, you can’t seem to focus on your work and keep mixing up all your subjects. Third, you have a lot of distractions and are unable to keep them away.

To my mind all these issues are probably interconnected. Your anxiety about marks is blocking you from actually being able to focus on your learning and concentrating on the work you need to do. When the mind is so full of worries and questions and anxieties, there is a constant parallel conversation going on in your mind, which prevents you, or interferes with what you are actually trying to do. The way around this is not to pretend that the anxieties are not there, or to question why they are there. But, rather to face them, address them and put them at rest. So what about the exams is so scary for you? What is your worst fear about the results? Is that worst fear something you can live with? You will need to answer some of these questions for yourself, or take the help of a counsellor, who can help you work through these. If you are able to lower your anxiety associated with the exams you will be able to focus.
The other thing you mentioned is that you are confused about your future, and also maybe anxious about it. You need help defining your goals and working towards them. Remember, the exams are not your goal. The exams are merely a stepping stone towards opening some doors that will help you achieve your goals. Put the exams into the perspective of your whole life, and you will realise that they are just one mere part of your life .

You also mentioned that you are scared about sharing your thoughts, feelings, and questions with your teachers. And, that your parents don’t seem to understand you. I think you need to focus on understanding yourself, and believing in yourself. And with that will come the confidence to communicate with your parents and teachers. If you are confident about yourself and what you say, the others will be forced to listen. If you doubt yourself, then others will doubt you. You have to believe that you are good enough to do whatever you set your mind to do, and with that belief will come the confidence for everything else. Get the help of a counsellor if you find this too daunting a task to do on your own.

All the best.