Do you have a learning disability - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald of Nov 17, 2011]

Dear Madam,

I am currently in the Science stream of First PUC. I performed poorly in the mid-terms and internals. It is not that I am not interested in Science, but I fail to grasp the subject well.
I constantly forget the theories and derivations I learn in Physics when I switch over to another subject. I get confused even if the number changes or the problem gets twisted. In Math, practice does not help my case. I forget the steps and make mistakes. People tell me that a change of mindset and things will help me focus.

How do I achieve this? I need to be able to work on multiple subjects at the same time and retain what I learn. This has led me to give up hope on taking the AIEEE exams. My classmates are ahead of me in class. My parents do not understand my issues. I have been following all the advice that’s available on the Internet and I still face this problem. How can I strengthen my basics? Which books should I refer to. Can I switch to Commerce if I don’t want to study Science next year? Please help.

Student

Dear Student,

I understand that you would like to do well in your exams, and are putting in your best efforts. But you don’t seem to be getting the rewards of your hard work. This is causing you distress and you are worried about your future. Have you been facing this problem in your earlier years in school as well, or has it only surfaced now since your work load and stress has increased? If you have always been facing this situation, then maybe you could get assessed by a clinical psychologist to see if there is any kind of ‘learning’ problem. However, if you have been experiencing this problem only now, then it may be the result of stress and anxiety surrounding your performance which is not allowing you to focus. For this you should try some deep-breathing, meditation and yoga which may help calm your mind.

You should also try to understand the source of your stress. Some of the possible causes could be anxiety about your future livelihood, anxiety about what society (family, peers, etc.) say/think about you, fear of your parents, fear of not living up to your parents expectations, fear of not living up to your own expectations, fear of failure, etc. Once you identify the source of your stress, you can deal with it — either by talking to a counsellor, or an adult whom you trust, who can help you reinterpret and reframe your concerns. All the best

Dear Madam,

I’m a third year engineering student ( E&C). I am unable to concentrate in class and can’t study on my own. My friends believe it is because of my lack of general knowledge. Please suggest ways I can learn from this.

Avinash

Dear Avinash,

You have brought up two issues. The first is that you can’t concentrate in class. Is this because there is something or someone distracting you, or is it because you cannot understand what is being taught? Again, you may not be able to understand at home because of the same reasons, and because you are not following what is being taught in class. If this problem is a recent occurrence, then either you are distracted or stressed. However, if you have always had this problem, then there may be a deeper, underlying reason for it.

The second issue that you have brought up is that of your friends deciding that you don’t have skills and academic and other areas. This judgment of theirs can be significant, or insignificant, depending on what you believe about yourself in this regard. Do you believe that you are not ‘good enough’ or capable, or do you believe that you believe in yourself and know that you can achieve whatever you decide to achieve? If you believe in yourself, your friends will be forced to believe in you, whether you get the marks or not. If you don’t believe in yourself, then don’t expect your friends to. Remember, what they say is merely a reflection of what you believe about yourself.

Success in the workplace, and in life, is not a function of mere marks. Success is a function of many other things, the most important of which is self-esteem. It also depends on your confidence, your communication skills, your ability to lead a team, your ability to be a part of a team, etc. While marks help, the only real role they play is that of opening some doors. If certain doors don’t open, some others will, provided you are willing to look for them and go through them.

Confidence is what you need most - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald dt October 20, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 9 student. There were many programmes conducted in our school to choose a career. I am scared to choose a field as I doubt my abilities to succeed. I am good with Math when it comes to classroom exercises but I don’t perform well with competitive exams like NISE, NSTSE, UCO. I want to be an optimistic person. Please help.
Abhishek

Dear Abhishek,
You are at the stage in life where you are beginning to realise the responsibilities of growing up and making it on your own. However, it is important that you make a career out of something that you enjoy and are passionate about it. This will ensure that you have fun along the way. And, in the process, if you are also successful, that is a bonus. It is extremely important that you be able to define success for yourself. How will you know that you have been successful (whether as a lawyer, or as a doctor, or as any other professional)? It is important that you know what ‘being successful’ means to you. If you don’t have your own definition, then society and others around you will define it for you, and you may end up chasing an ever-moving target. Also, what success means to you, maybe completely different from what success means to someone else. For someone, it may mean owning a large house. For someone else, it may mean being able to afford a foreign trip every year. For yet another person, it may mean treating the weak back to health, irrespective of how much money you make. And for another it may mean having a happy family life. So what does success mean for you? Define that, and then chase after that target.
Also, don’t be fearful of failure, because failure is but another stepping stone to success. The important thing is to be able to treat any failure as a mere roadblock, or obstacle, that you can work around and overcome. Remember, no success is final, and failure is fatal. Life is merely a journey, and success and failure are merely sign-posts on the way.
The reason you may be good at Math in school but not in competitive exams is because in school you are operating within your comfort zone. You may be memorising questions, without actually learning the principles involved. Focus on learning, rather than on the marks. The marks will follow, once the learning happens.

Dear Madam,
I have completed an MSc in Biochemistry with 59.05 per cent marks. I want to go in for higher studies but I lack the confidence to follow my dreams. My scores in Class 10 and 12 were rather low.
Is it possible to continue in this field? I want to get into research.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
While marks are important in opening some doors, they are not the only thing that will determine success. What the work place needs today, more than marks, is self-esteem — which is your ability to love yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses. Self-esteem drives your self-confidence, your self-belief, your ability to communicate, your ability to think out-of-the-box, your inter-personal relationships, your creativity, and a whole lot of other parameters of success. What worries me is not your marks, but your lack of confidence in yourself. If you have the confidence, but not the marks, you can still make a mark. However, if you have the marks, but no confidence in your abilities, then the chances of succeeding are bleaker. I think you need to look at the reasons for your lack of confidence and take the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult, to help you build it.

Believe in Yourself - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 18, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am in the first year of BSc. I’ve had this large-scale project on my mind for quite sometime now. I even wanted to patent it. My parents and my aunt think that I am too young to think of patents and want me to concentrate on my priorities — studying and passing my degree. But I am passionate about this project and I want to make it a success by patenting it. I’m really confused. Does it have to be, that I can start thinking of major projects only once I get a PhD?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I commend you on your passion and enthusiasm, and, more importantly, your belief in yourself. No, you don’t have to start thinking of major projects only after you get a PhD. I think you should find yourself a mentor who believes in you and your ideas and who will help you do what you are trying to do. The best way to know if your idea has merit is to bounce it off people with relevant experience and get their feedback on it.

Your family may not be having experience in that area, and also, may not be having experience with risk taking. They may be used to playing safe bets, and may be viewing your idea as a risk. They may be wanting to protect you from failure.

Then, in their mind, you would have lost out time on your degree as well and not gained anything. My advice to you is that if you believe in your idea, then go with it. If you fail, it will just be a learning process and a stepping stone to your next big idea. You would still have learnt a lot in the process. And your most important learning may be to take failure in its stride.

Unless you try, you will never know, and most of the time, the difference between achieving success and failure, lies in the passion of the person driving the cause. Good luck!

Dear Madam,
I cannot concentrate on my studies. I am constantly distracted by voices in my head. My mind begins to wander and I find myself thinking about movies or chatting with friends. I am in Class 12 and I am worried about my performance. My parents and teachers have pinned a lot of hope on me. Please help.
X

Dear X,
There are several things that you have mentioned in your letter which could be contributing to the confusion and difficulty you are facing.

I suggest you get the help of a psychiatrist to see if these inner voices are just a temporary distracting phenomena, or are of a more permanent nature. In which case you will need to understand how to tame them.

You also talk about having an inferiority complex, being confused, and feeling pressured to live up to the hopes of your parents and teachers. You also feel a little helpless and don’t know how to manage the many conflicting emotions that you are facing. I have often written on this subject in this column and would urge you to read some of my articles on the subjects:
*See a lion in the mirror (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html);
*It’s not the end of the road (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html);
*How balanced are your see-saws (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html)

These address some of the issues that you have raised. I’d like you to think about your situation where you started believing that you are inferior, that your side of the seesaw is lower while the other side is higher. You must realise that everyone has some faults, and weakness, just like their strengths. Recognising and acknowledging our strengths, while accepting and working on our weaknesses, is the biggest service we can do to ourselves. And, living up to our own expectations, rather than those of others, should be our biggest motivator.