Pursue your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column,  answered by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of March 5, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I passionate about music and aspire to make a career in it. But since my parents weren't supportive of this, I joined an engineering course. But my focus in engineering is getting diverted due to my music classes. Consequently, my results are suffering. I am under a lot of stress. Kindly help me out. Prateek M

Dear Prateek,
I think it is important for you to be able to pursue your passion, if you truly believe in it. But you must be able to convince yourself, and those around you, that is truly what you would like to do. Build out a plan on how you are going to pursue your music, and how you are going to build a sustainable livelihood based on it. In the process of this plan, you may realize that building a livelihood on music is not practical, in which case you must have a Plan B. Or you may realize that it is possible to have a steady source of income based on music, in which case you must share that plan with your parents to put their fears to rest. After all, your parents are concerned for your well-being and their anxieties and pressure stems from a genuine desire to ensure you have a secure future. 

If you can share a detailed plan with them on how music will let you do that, while at the same time allowing you to follow your passion, they will be more than happy. It is possible that at the present moment they see it only as a distraction from your studies and are therefore, concerned about where you are headed. So, to reduce your own stress, and allay the fears of your parents, you must flesh out the plan of a life based on music and see where it takes you. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am in the second year of my computer science engineering course. My communication skills are weak and I don’t have the confidence to talk to someone in English. Even during classes, I hesitate to clear my doubts because of this. How can I improve my communication skills? Ray

Dear Ray,
I understand that you are scared to ask any question in class because you are not confident about your English speaking skills. Ask yourself what is your worst fear around this? What is the worst thing that you think may happen if you were to ask something in class, and your English was less than perfect. Remember, no one is perfect and no one gets things right every time. The only way to learn is by making mistakes and learning from them. You did not learn to walk without ever falling down. But now that you have learnt to walk, aren't you thankful for the fact that you took the risk of falling while learning. In the same way, take the risk of making a mistake while speaking, because confidence only comes with knowledge and practice. And to aid you in the process, try speaking English whenever you are with people you are comfortable with (like your friends and family). Make speaking English your mantra – each time, every time. You could also join a class to help you get some confidence. Force yourself to read English newspapers, magazines and books. Listen to the English news and other programmes on television as well. But there is no short-cut to speaking. So take the risk and speak. After all what is the worst that can happen? Nothing more than a couple of inconsequential laughs which will soon be forgotten. 

Are you going to let the fear of some inconsequential person laughing at you for a moment, hold you back in life from achieving your potential? Think about it. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am 21 years old. I have a backlog in my final year B.Sc course (physics, mathematics and electronics), which I will clear this year, in June. My dad wants me to do B.Ed (a teachers’ training course), which I am not interested in. So, I have decided to work, earn some money and later pursue courses of my choice. But my dad isn't comfortable with me working night shifts or anywhere outside Bengaluru. So, what kind of a job should I look for? Chaithra N

Dear Chaithra,
I am not a career counsellor, nor do I run a placement service, so I will not be able to tell you what kind of job to apply for and how to go about it. Nor can I tell you how to continue your studies further. However, I do believe you should do what you heart tells you to, and what you are good at. Even though you may not think so, it is possible to communicate with parents and discuss your options, understand their point of view and explain your own. You are allowed to have a point of view, and express it, though sometimes as children we are told that we need to only follow what are parents say. 

So, my suggestion would be to understand why your parents want you to do what they want you to do. Then understand for yourself, why you do not want to do that, and why you think the path you are choosing is better. Then understand your strengths and weaknesses, as well as the opportunities and limitations ahead of you. In this self analysis, things will become clearer to you about what path will work. Try and take up a job that leverages on your strengths and is of interest to you. It is not about searching for a job. It is about building a career. A job is a short-term goal. A career will stay with you for life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I currently in my final semester of mechanical engineering. I am quite good at studies and have no backlogs and have an overall distinction CGPA. In about two months, I will graduate and I haven’t appeared for any campus interviews as most of them are for software companies and I wish to work in a core mechanical company. But my real passion lies in boxing. I have been boxing since I was 18-years-old. I don’t have any personal coach but I am pretty good at this sport and wish to make my mark as a boxer. But not many opportunities have come my way in this field. So, should I look for a mechanical engineering job or follow my passion? Are there any options where I could do both? Adithya Kashyap

Dear Adithya,
I am not someone who can guide you on opportunities that are available in boxing because I do not have any knowledge in that field. However, it is important that you be able to build for yourself a sustainable livelihood with whatever field you choose. If you can visualize that with boxing, by all means go for it. However, if you cannot, then it may be in your interest to pursue it as a hobby. Maybe you can ensure your linkages with the sport in a way that helps build the environment for it for coming generations. Maybe you can work with a company that will give you the opportunity to also build on your passion. Maybe you can become a coach yourself. 

You must visualize your life as a boxer and see what you like about it and dislike about it. Visualize your life as an engineer and do the same. Talk to people who are already in both the fields and see what they have to say about it. Identify your strengths and weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Define what success means to you and see if which career path will align you better with your definition of success. Career choices are personal and best made after some serious self-analysis and introspection. And take whatever help you need in this process. All the best.

Follow your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 4, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class XII and would like to join MBBS next year. Like every child, I have had different ambitions at different times of my life. I developed a passion for cooking at the age of 13 but did not pursue it since it seemed an "unpredictable" career to my parents. Pushing that aside, I started to write novels, stories, features, etc. At the age of 15, I had published my own story book. Again, my parents branded that as another "unpredictable" career. At that point, I was aware that they wanted me to become a doctor which I had NO interest in. But eventually, I understood what their point was. They want me to be established in a profession that has some sort of stability. Once I am settled, I can pursue my ambitions. Truthfully, that seems like the right choice to make, but I am scared that I will never get to follow my dreams. What if life steers me another way? Will I lose my passion to be a writer if I do not do something about it now? I am an indecisive person, and I do not want that to get in the way of my future. Yes, I have chosen to study medicine but I do not know if that is the right decision for me. Right now, however, it seems like I have no other choice.
Shimona Lakshman

Dear Shimona

It’s great that you have such varied interests and that you have been able to take them to the next level. Remember, there are no right and wrong answers to your dilemmas. Whatever works for you is the right answer, because this is about your life and future. And whatever choice you make, you must believe that you have the ability to make it work for you. So make your choices with mindfulness, not out of compulsion and as a last resort. There is no right age to pursue one’s passions and dreams. You can do it at whatever stage is convenient for you. Some people do it early on, and some people do it later. And luckily for you, your passions are such that they can be pursued even alongside your chosen career. Haven’t you heard of a doctor who has published a novel, or written a book? Haven’t you heard of a doctor who’s cooking is to die for?
So make your choice, knowing that it is your choice, and believing that it will be right for you.

Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student with PCMC combination. I have failed in mathematics and have become hopeless since then. I have been put into science stream by force. My strengths in this field of study is Computer Science and English. And, my greatest weakness is mathematics. I would like to know whether supplementary exams are conducted this year or not. If it is conducted when should I apply and what are exact dates for the exam timetable. Also I would like you to tell me as to how should I prepare for the exams as this is the first time I have failed so miserably in exams. Will I be accepted in courses like BBM and BCom as I have not passed through annuals. I really do not want to enter the field of science anymore. Please guide me as to how should I mentally prepare myself for this exam and get the best out of this. What alternatives do I have if there is no supplementary exams?
A student

Dear Student
I am not in a position to answer any of your questions with respect to supplementary exams and the criteria for admission to any course, or the technique of study you should adopt. This information should be easily available from your college and your peers. All I would like to say is that failure in one exam is no reason to lose hope. It does not mean that you are a failure, nor does it mean that you will fail in that exam all the time. All of us are bound to face failure at some points in our life, and the sooner we learn to face it, learn from it and overcome it, the better it is for us.

I understand that you don’t have an interest in maths, but that does not mean you don’t have the capability to clear the exam. Remember, our mind has the capacity to grow and learn anything that we set our heart on. Intelligence is not fixed. It can grow based on the effort we put in, and the mind set we work with. If you put in an honest effort in maths, you will be able to overcome your mental block and learn, maybe even enjoy, the subject. Nothing is impossible.

Keep in mind the famous quote by John Wooden, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts.”

Dear Madam,
I have completed my class IX but with bad results. I just scored 88% and my parents expected more than 95%. In spite of good revision my score was low.  I learnt most of the syllabus very well. I had spent almost 4 hrs to learn each chapter during my preparation. But on the day before my exams I found that I had forgotten most of it and I had to spend 4hrs again to learn them well. But on the day of my exam I had forgotten many things again. This time, I was not able to finish revising all chapters before the day of my exam and more over, I could not remember much out of what I had studied. Most of my friends and my twin sister have good memory power unlike me. They don't consume 4hrs or more to finish each chapter. I don't understand why this is happening with me. Among all the subjects, Chemistry and Physics were horrible. I don't know how I'll face the ICSE this academic year and its vast portions. This year, all my score were below 90%. Please help me out so that I can do well in my board exams.
Vaibhavi

Dear Vaibhavi

My sense is that you are feeling too stressed and anxious about your marks and your performance, and that is affecting your concentration and memory. When you said you got bad results in your opening line, I expected your percentage to be much lower than the 88 you had mentioned. Please remember that your parents may have whatever expectations they have, and your twin sister may be getting much higher marks with spending less time, but you are a unique and valuable person with a unique and, maybe, different set of strengths and weaknesses. You need to recognize your strengths and achieve your own potential. This is not about living upto someone else’s expectations; it is about living up to your own expectations from yourself and achieving your own potential. For that you need to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and you need to understand that just because you may not get as many marks as your sister, you are not inferior to her. Marks are not the only benchmark for success, or worth, in life. Unfortunately, all to often, many of us believe they are. While marks may be important to open some doors for you in life, marks alone cannot guarantee success for anyone. So don’t let the fear of marks drive you around the bend. Don’t give them more power and control over you than they deserve. Just persevere, put in your best effort, learn well, and find your own motivation. Let that be your driver. And, remember to relax along the way.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am an avid reader of this column and adore the manner in which you handle every dilemma. I am in a confused situation too. I am currently in my eighth semester engineering with an aggregate of 75%. With no placements in the near future through the campus, I am looking forward to higher studies. Meanwhile, I have discovered a passion for the mike and stage through the various debate competitions I won and by being MOC in a chain of events at college. I feel that I should follow my passion and take up journalism as my career. My fluency in writing and an excellent command over the language has given me immense confidence. My parents are not supportive as they feel that journalism involve a lot threats. Shifting streams at the postgraduate level may sound bizarre, but I am ready for the challenge. Can you advice me on this aspect and suggest an excellent university in India and favorably in Karnataka where I can pursue my passion, if it is possible?
A Reader

Dear Reader
I am glad you find this column useful. It is always encouraging to get feedback, and if it is positive then that is even better! You are right in saying that you should explore your passion and do what you enjoy. You may want to understand what the alternative career entails by talking to people in that profession. Also understand your parents’ fears and apprehensions about it. Ultimately your parents will want you to do something that will make you happy. If you are able to communicate that to them, they will be satisfied.You could look at using your engineering education to add value to the branch of journalism that you are wanting to pursue. In any case, no education goes waste, even if you are not actively pursuing that field. Learning anything can only be helpful.Before taking the plunge map your strengths and weaknesses onto your career options, and see which one gives you more of an advantage. List out the plusses and minuses of both choices and see which one weighs in stronger. Ultimately do what will make you feel happier and more satisfied, but do it for the right reasons.

Follow your passion - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 7, 2013]

Follow your passion

Dear Madam,
I am a second year B E student in EEE branch VTU. I have 1 backlog in each of my semesters. I am not able to give my best. I was doing well in my school and PUC. Will I get a good job even if I have backlogs? I am totally stressed. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Please help.

Kamalesh

Dear Kamalesh


I understand that you are stressed because your parents have a lot of hopes from you. It may be worthwhile for you to make a concrete list of those hopes. For example they may want some amount of financial support (specify how much), or they may want you to live in the same town/house as them.


Or they may want to live with you. Or they may want none of this, but may just want to be able to tell their friends and family that their son is very “successful”.

Or they may just want you to be happy. You need to be able to understand for yourself, what you think are their expectations of you. When you say “lots of hope” you are dealing with an ambiguous entity which may be like a mirage, which you will constantly keep chasing and never be able to reach.

Once you are able to understand their expectations, two things may happen. Firstly you may realize that getting a “good” job as an engineer may not be the only way to live up to their expectations. Other careers and opportunities may also give you that option. Secondly, you may decide that you may want to live up to some of those expectations and not others. You will feel a sense of control on this process.

I cannot say whether you will get a “good” job if you have backlogs. All I can say is that your marks will only open some doors for you.


They will not guarantee your success. Your success in your career will depend on a lot of other qualities like your ability to work in a team, lead a team, solve problems, think creatively, communicate clearly and confidently, learn quickly, etc. The marks may open some doors, but if one door closes another one will open. The only difference is you may have to look for it a little harder.

Try and understand your worry and your anxiety and befriend them to goad you to do better, rather than treat them as your enemy that stops your from performing.

Good luck.


Dear Madam,
I am studying now in 12th Standard. I am losing my interest in studies. I am so much interested in music that I like to compose songs and I would like to make music direction as a profession. I have practised classical music for 11 years and I know the basics of western music as well. But my parents like me to take Engineering. I am not sure that I will pass the engineering entrance exams. I have failed once in 11th Standard Even if I choose the music field I don’t know what to do. So please give me some tips.

A Student

Dear Student
I understand that your parents want you to do Engineering and that’s why you are being torn between your passion, and what your parents want you to do. I am sure your parents will be comfortable with whatever choice you make, provided you have made an informed decision and know what to do and how to do it.
For that you would need to get more information about the music field and the opportunities in it, the entry barriers, and what you need to do to break them. I am not the right person to tell you about this. You will need to connect with people in the field of music and get their inputs.
Your parents will not be comfortable with your choice if they feel you do not know what you are talking about and are beating around in the dark. Ultimately, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in an enormous amount of effort to excel in it.

And, it is better to excel in your field of choice rather than to be mediocre in any other field.
You may want to try and understand the reasons why your parents want you to do engineering. Once you understand this, you may decide to either follow that path, or follow the path you want.
However, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in a lot of effort to stand out. So don’t let the effort tire you out.

Good luck.
Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PUC PCMB student. My problem is that I lost interest in studies when I was in my 10th Standard and got 3% less than the usual distinction I used to get. Since the past two years, I have totally lost my form and fear that the same would repeat in my finals this year. And I'm very weak in maths. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying.


Dear Student
I have said this in my column several times before, because yours does not seem to be a problem unique to you. It seems to be happening to many students who let the fear of the results, or their “relatively poor” performance in past exams, demotivate them about the future. So understand why you think you should study, and analyse the benefits of studying.
Who do you think will be the biggest beneficiary of your studying? You can choose to let fear control you to inaction, or you can choose to let fear drive you to action. It is entirely in your control, and your choice.
So find your motivation. What is it you want to do in life? Think about whether you will be able to achieve that without studying. What options will be open to you if you do not study? Answer these questions truthfully, not for anyone else, but for yourself and see where they lead you.

All the best

Be clear about your goals - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on September 29, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I have completed SSLC and I am very interested in writing horror and children’s stories. I also like to solve mental ability questions, and my IQ is good. Will these help me in my career, and to reach my goal? Can you suggest some exams or careers through which I can continue to write stories and solve mental ability exams? But my parents won’t support me, that's the problem.
Rashmi S

Dear Rashmi,
I think you need more clarity on what your career aspirations and goals are. Writing stories is a great talent. You can choose to make it your career, or you can choose to keep it as a passion that you indulge in for pleasure.

The choice is really yours. Having a high IQ, and being good at mental ability questions is also a great strength, but by itself it cannot get you to a goal, nor can it become a career. It can support you in whatever career you choose.

While it is good that you have been able to identify two of your strengths which are also things that you enjoy, it will be important for you to think deeper about what career choices will play to these strengths. I am sure that as you give it more thought, you will gain clarity on which path you should follow.

If your parents see clarity in your thought, and a passion to do what you are proposing, I am sure they will support you. I suspect their lack of support is because they don’t sense that clarity right now. However, even if they don’t support you, and you believe in it, then you must chase your dreams and let the others watch from the sidelines.

Dear Madam,
I am in PU II. My problem is that I don’t have a common goal in life i.e. sometimes I wish to become a doctor, and sometimes a mechanical or genetical engineer, and sometimes I wish to become a scientist or CA. Then again, I want to become an IAS or Army officer, or politician, etc. I even wish to join NASA. But my main aim is to bring my nation and parents name. Can you help me to come out of such a confusion. Please help me reach my goal.
Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,
You seem to have a lot of possible choices that you would like to pursue. It is time now for you to narrow down those choices. My suggestion is that you should connect with someone from each of these fields that you have mentioned, and spend some time talking to them about their work. That will give you a first hand account of those professions, and also give you clarity on what the jobs entail. This would then make the choice easier.

Your objective really should be to be successful (however, you define it) and bring about happiness for yourself. If in the process you make a name for yourself, then let that be the icing on the cake. Your objective should not be to make a name for your parents, or your country, but for yourself, because that is what you want. If you make it your life’s mission just to make others happy, then that is an elusive target, completely out of your control, which you may never achieve. Begin with what makes you happy, pursue that with passion, and I am sure you will get success. Your parents’ happiness will directly flow from this. Their happiness is not a goal you have to achieve. It is the fruit of your labour in the process of making a name for yourself.

Dear Madam,
I am now a II PU student. I know this is a turning point in my life. But, when I hear about the tsunamis, earthquakes and other natural calamities I think the world is going to end. Then I think I should not study. I spend nearly 10 hours in college and two hours at tuitions. I hardly get time for self reading. Can you help me manage my time in order to get a good rank and marks?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
I think it is important that you work through your fear of natural calamities, with the help of a counsellor. While it is important to be careful, one cannot live in fear, and that too, fear of something that no one has any control over.
So if this fear is hampering your normal functioning, I suggest you get some help.
If you are having a problem managing your time, then you should take stock of how your day is being spent. What are you doing and how productive is it? This is the time in your life where you need to prioritise your activities so as to be able to focus on your academics.

If you find that there is no time for self-study, then you may want to either reduce your tuition time, or cut out some of your other activities. Getting good marks is important, and helpful, but the most important thing is to learn what you are studying, and enjoy the process.

Believe in Yourself - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 18, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am in the first year of BSc. I’ve had this large-scale project on my mind for quite sometime now. I even wanted to patent it. My parents and my aunt think that I am too young to think of patents and want me to concentrate on my priorities — studying and passing my degree. But I am passionate about this project and I want to make it a success by patenting it. I’m really confused. Does it have to be, that I can start thinking of major projects only once I get a PhD?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I commend you on your passion and enthusiasm, and, more importantly, your belief in yourself. No, you don’t have to start thinking of major projects only after you get a PhD. I think you should find yourself a mentor who believes in you and your ideas and who will help you do what you are trying to do. The best way to know if your idea has merit is to bounce it off people with relevant experience and get their feedback on it.

Your family may not be having experience in that area, and also, may not be having experience with risk taking. They may be used to playing safe bets, and may be viewing your idea as a risk. They may be wanting to protect you from failure.

Then, in their mind, you would have lost out time on your degree as well and not gained anything. My advice to you is that if you believe in your idea, then go with it. If you fail, it will just be a learning process and a stepping stone to your next big idea. You would still have learnt a lot in the process. And your most important learning may be to take failure in its stride.

Unless you try, you will never know, and most of the time, the difference between achieving success and failure, lies in the passion of the person driving the cause. Good luck!

Dear Madam,
I cannot concentrate on my studies. I am constantly distracted by voices in my head. My mind begins to wander and I find myself thinking about movies or chatting with friends. I am in Class 12 and I am worried about my performance. My parents and teachers have pinned a lot of hope on me. Please help.
X

Dear X,
There are several things that you have mentioned in your letter which could be contributing to the confusion and difficulty you are facing.

I suggest you get the help of a psychiatrist to see if these inner voices are just a temporary distracting phenomena, or are of a more permanent nature. In which case you will need to understand how to tame them.

You also talk about having an inferiority complex, being confused, and feeling pressured to live up to the hopes of your parents and teachers. You also feel a little helpless and don’t know how to manage the many conflicting emotions that you are facing. I have often written on this subject in this column and would urge you to read some of my articles on the subjects:
*See a lion in the mirror (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html);
*It’s not the end of the road (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html);
*How balanced are your see-saws (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html)

These address some of the issues that you have raised. I’d like you to think about your situation where you started believing that you are inferior, that your side of the seesaw is lower while the other side is higher. You must realise that everyone has some faults, and weakness, just like their strengths. Recognising and acknowledging our strengths, while accepting and working on our weaknesses, is the biggest service we can do to ourselves. And, living up to our own expectations, rather than those of others, should be our biggest motivator.