Is your child's adolescence challenging you?

[The following article written by me was first published on the website whiteswanfoundation.org ]

My daughter is seventeen, and doesn’t stop reminding me that she will be eighteen in less than six months. What! Is that true! Am I almost done with navigating the minefield of adolescence? Well, I am at the last mile before she becomes an adult. I guess it is a good time to reflect on adolescence, and why some parents find it so challenging – almost to the point of dreading it! 

Adolescence is not a “bad” phase that you need to grin and bear. It is the phase that ultimately helps the child and the parent to grow, and if handled properly, emerge with a stronger relationship as adults. But to get to the other side of adolescence successfully, we need to understand this phase not only in terms of physiological and cognitive development, but also in terms of identify formation and a redefining of relationships with parents, peers and partners.

The physiological changes are obvious, and I am not going to spend my word count on them. Cognitive development is a little less understood. Adolescence marks the second wave of rapid brain development in a person’s life – the beginning of more complex thinking processes. Even though their amygdala (the part of the brain that processes emotions like fear, anger and pleasure) is not as developed as that of an adult, and their ability to recognize and read emotions is wanting, there is explosive growth happening in other parts of the brain.

Early adolescents are focused on personal decision making in school and home – they start questioning authority and social standards; they start forming and verbalizing their own thoughts and views on topics related to their life (what sport should I play, which peer group should I join, which parental rule should I insist be changed).

Middle adolescents expand their focus to include more philosophical and futuristic concerns – they question and analyze more; they begin to form their own code of ethics; think about different possibilities and begin to form their own identity; they think about possible future goals and start making longer term plans.

Late adolescents use their complex thinking processes to focus more on less self-centered, and more global, concepts like justice and politics; they develop idealistic views; they debate and discuss a great deal and show an intolerance to opposing views; they focus on making career decisions and thinking about their emerging role in adult society. They introspect, and are self-conscious, which may end up in a sort of egocentrism, or intense preoccupation with the self. They also start looking at problems from multiple dimensions. They don’t accept facts as absolute truths and therefore, also question parental values and authority. And this is where we parents start feeling challenged.

An adolescent’s search for identity when they start to ponder the big question, “Who am I?” is a big part of this phase  – achieving a coherent identity and avoiding identity confusion, their main aim. Parents would like to believe that they are the sole influencers in this process. However, this search for identity is also affected by their peers, their school, the neighborhood, the community, and the media. For the adolescent to complete this process successfully, they must go through two steps. The first involves questioning, and breaking away, from childhood beliefs that don’t resonate with them, and consequently coming up with a set of beliefs that do. And the second involves committing to the identity that they choose for themselves.

This is a time of intensive analysis and exploration of different ways of looking at oneself. It involves dramatic change and uncertainty, integrating one’s past experiences, current challenges and social demands and expectations into one coherent whole. Also the identity the adolescent chooses must be recognized, confirmed and accepted by others, for the teenager to feel comfortable, confident and worthy. Which is why this is the stage when they are intensely searching for role models, turn to peer groups and rebel against traditional authority.

A person’s identity development starts early on, with a child’s initial awareness that they are separate and unique individuals, as different from their parents. As they grow into teenagers, they reach a point when they want to be defined as anything but their parents. They may not even want to be seen with their parents, and anything the parent does or says is definitely embarrassing. This process of separation (and possible rejection) is hurtful for us parents, but we need to consistently remind ourselves that it is a natural process – between every teenager and parent; not only between our teenager and us.

As parents it is imperative that we support them in this process of their individuation if we want them to be fully-functioning adults who go on to achieve their potential. An identity crisis is one of the most important conflicts that adolescents face in their development. It leads to self-doubt, a demanding of space, a sometimes false sense of bravado, and often even a sense of invincibility, and all this sporadically peppered with rudeness, arrogance and a sense of entitlement.

The more we are aware of this being a natural process, the less we need to feel threatened by it and resist it, the easier it is for us to retain our sanity, and the more supportive we can be in their journey. So let’s accept that no matter what we do, we will be a source of embarrassment; that friends will be more important than us; that we need to be available (on call 24x7) yet invisible; that there will be an interest in the opposite sex; that they will always want to know what’s in it for them, and that they will reject every idea that we come up with.

If we can see this as the ‘new normal’- a period of ‘normal’ stress – understand it, accept it, and go with the flow, rather than take it as a challenge to our authority, we may be able to do them, and ourselves, a big service. As for myself, I can say I am glad I am almost done with it!

Does hitting impact the mental health of your children?

[The following article written by me was carried on the website of the White Swan Foundation http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/does-hitting-impact-the-mental-health-of-your-children/]

Children are routinely hit, at home and at school. After all, that is the most effective way to discipline them, isn’t it? Well, it certainly is the easiest way. How effective it is, is a whole different story.
I have met several children who are routinely hit for the slightest misdemeanor on their part. And adults who were hit when they were children – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod (as I mentioned in my last column). Apart from the fact that this gets me really agitated (and is really my issue to deal with), I began to think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to hit their children, and the psychological and emotional impact of this on their children.
So why would a parent physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons.

One of these, and a very significant one, is that that was the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know to discipline their own children. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but if they took a minute to recollect those instances, those feelings of many years ago would resurface: the fear, the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the feeling of not being good enough, the sadness, and yes, even the hatred for those who used to hit them!

The second reason is anxiety and helplessness — anxiety about their child’s performance and future, and helplessness at their inability to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety of what will become of their child in the future, and probably above all, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out ‘right’ or ‘perfect’. This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stresses, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with life and this is their way of expressing their anger. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, be expressing their anger onto their children, who feel powerless to respond. This may make the parents feel more in control of their actions, at a time when they feel helpless and out of control in the face of other situations.

There are several myths surrounding the ‘need’ to resort to hitting, and its importance, in bringing up children. Some parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful of them. This makes them feel in control. On the contrary, though, these children may end up believing that their parents are completely ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their ability to guide and mentor them.
Some parents believe that if they beat their child, the child will be scared of them, and will be able to focus on work, achieve something in life, and stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track, and do exactly what they want, just ensuring that their parents never come to know of it! The child feels motivated to do ’wrong’ behind the parents’ back. Fear also distracts the child and stops them from being able to concentrate. Fear may motivate them enough to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.

Some parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way. It teaches them that violence is okay. It teaches them that they don’t need to respect the feelings of others. It teaches them that they are not worthy of being liked or respected.

Some parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this only results in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. For disciplining to be effective, consequences must be known ahead of time, and there must be certainty of their being enforced a hundred per cent of the time.

Some parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehavior. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. And this involves a completely different shift in mindset for the parents. The painfulness of the hitting becomes completely irrelevant. The knowledge around certainty of punishment becomes more important than its randomness and painfulness.

So, there are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to hitting as a way of parenting and instilling discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, children learn that violence is an acceptable reaction to a trigger, and so start practicing it themselves. They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, and become targets for others. They work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They may slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a duty-bound relationship with their parents, as opposed to a relationship built on love, connection, communication, trust and caring.

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties and the short-comings of your past, whether that means practicing meditation, talking to a friend, or seeking the help of a counsellor. Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behavior.

I would prefer to believe that parents hit their children mindlessly; that it is an automatic response to a momentary stimulus, rather than a thought-out action with the intent of hurting their child. And, therefore, this is an attempt at making parents aware of the possible long-term implications of these momentary thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behavior, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.

Building Blocks - Are your frustrations affecting your child's mental health - www.whiteswanfoundation.org

[This piece by me was originally published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/are-your-frustrations-affecting-your-childs-mental-health/]

In my introductory piece, I had promised to explore the link between parenting and mental health, so here’s my take on the possible impact of a parent’s frustrations on a child’s mental health.

An adolescent child (in Standard 6) was sent to me by her teacher because of poor academic performance. The teacher felt she was very distracted and unable to focus and, having spoken to the parents a few times, she thought there may be more to the child’s problems than met the eye. So this young girl came to meet me and fortunately we were able to connect quite quickly.

 On a little bit of probing, this young girl showed me some scars on her legs. Those were scars from her mother using a hot iron rod on her. I was unsettled. No matter how experienced you are as a counsellor, some situations still have the power to leave you numb. This was one such. Being a mother, with a daughter of almost a similar age, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. 

This needed a lot of work. I was preparing myself for the long-haul. I decided to meet the parents to understand the complete picture, or at least however much they would share with me. What could possibly compel a mother inflict such pain on her child?

After some persistent calling, the parents finally came. I learnt that the parents were both working full time. When the child’s academic performance started dropping, and she was assessed for a learning disability, the school called the parents and informed them of the need for more personalized attention. The school also started putting subtle pressure on the mother to pay more attention to the child. The mother, frustrated, gave up her full time job to attend to the child.

What were her frustrations? They were not only about having to give up her job for the sake of the child, but also around gender equations (why does the mother have to compromise on career and not the father?); self-esteem (having the external validation that a job could provide, and parenting could not); dissatisfaction with her marital relationship (why did the husband pressurize her to leave? Why does he not give her the validation she needs?); and anger at her parents/in-laws (why couldn’t they come and attend to her child?) 

So much baggage! And there was probably more, but we could only get that far in our short time together since she didn’t come back after the first session.

And who was bearing the brunt of this baggage? An unsuspecting 13-year-old child who couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why her mother hated her so much, when all her friends’ mothers seemed to adore their children. This child lived in fear of not knowing when her mother would lash out at her; she lived in pain – emotional and physical. And having been conditioned not to wash the family’s dirty linen in public, had no one to talk to and lighten her burden. She thought she was a curse to the family and that she was not good enough. It is no mystery, at least not to me, about why the child was so distracted in school.

I never met her after the first couple of sessions, because the parents chose to change her school. They did not come back, either for individual sessions or for family sessions which I was pushing hard for. After all, the school was the problem, not them!

Several questions remained with me, some of which I will raise here. 

How would the situation have changed had the mother chosen to confront her own issues by recognizing them, accepting them and addressing them? I don’t for a moment grudge the mother her frustrations. Of course, they are valid. But if she had chosen to address them, she may not have been driven to pour them out onto her child. And the first step towards addressing them is recognizing them, acknowledging them, accepting them and then understanding what’s going on.

What has been the long-term impact of this dumping of personal frustration on the child’s mental health and wellbeing? While I have no data, I can only speculate. She may grow into an adult with very low self-esteem which will impact her future relationships, both on the personal and professional front. She may not be able to trust other relationships in her life. She may not achieve her potential because she will not have the safety net that is so essential to be able to step out of her comfort zone. She may become an overly anxious adult. And worse still, she may perpetuate the cycle of dumping her own frustrations on her children – having not known or experienced any other form of parenting herself.

For all you know, the mother was just perpetuating her own experience of growing up, as well.The sooner we recognize the pattern, and break the cycle, the sooner we can reclaim the wellbeing of our children. In the interest of our children’s mental health, let’s grab the reins and take the task of confronting our frustrations into our own hands. If not for ourselves, at least for our children. It’s not that we should not feel frustrated, or that it is wrong to feel that way. Getting frustrated by various situations is normal and natural. But just being mindful of that frustration and what it is leading us to do, will help us rein it in when needed.

The example I have given may seem a bit extreme, and we may tend to think that it does not relate to our situation, and therefore, we don’t need to pay attention to it. Yes, it is extreme, and the reason it stayed with me is precisely because of that. But sometimes to pay heed to something we need an ‘extreme’ reminder. The frustrations could come in much milder forms as well – a single mother trying to cope with the recent loss of her husband, having to bring up two adolescent children and hold herself together all the time; a mother having to focus equally on all of her five children while the father is away in another country; a step mother needing to prove her worth in her marital relationship by ensuring her step-child does well in academics; a stay-at-home mother fearing the loss of control and the loss of the purpose of her existence as her last child prepares to flee the coop. It could be anything, just anything. 

Frustrations come in many forms – we need to recognize them, accept them, and own them as ours. Let’s spare our children from them.

Building Blocks - Why Parenting and Mental Health Belong Together - www.whiteswanfoundation.org

Thrilled to announce my new column called Building Blocks which explores the linkages between mental health and parenting. This is a fortnightly column - February 15, 2015 originally published at
http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-columns/building-blocks/

For more stimulating content on mental health visit www.whiteswanfoundation.org

Why parenting and mental health belong together

My tryst with mental health started in 1997 when I became a parent, and decided to take time off from my full-time, demanding, corporate career to be just that – a parent. Becoming a parent changed my perspective on everything – on life in general and my life in particular, on relationships in general and my relationships in particular, on values and beliefs in general and my values and beliefs in particular; on how others were parenting and what I was doing, right or wrong, or whether I was even being able to be the perfect parent that I aspired to be. As a young parent, I often felt time came to a standstill, as nothing changed on a daily basis for me, and I moved from one chore of parenting to another. Yet, on the other hand, there was this constant joyous reminder of time moving on, maybe a little too fast, as the baby grew from milestone to milestone. She is now well into her teens and will soon fly the coop. Children grow fast, and in their growth lies our growth, in amazing and unimaginable ways.

Parenting is all about challenges and confusion, frustration and anxiety, joy and pain, love and anguish, thankless ‘doing’, endless ‘being’ and unconditional ‘loving’. And the manner in which each one of us handles the demands and pleasures of parenting has an impact on not only the mental health and well-being of our children, but also our own.

In 2007, during the course of my journey as a parent, I also formally entered the field of mental health when I started my outward journey to become a counsellor, and my inward journey of discovering new meaning for myself. I have since worn several hats and played several roles in the area of mental health. I have been a school counsellor for five years, and have also been helping adults, couples and families discover new meaning for themselves. I write a regular column in a national daily addressing concerns from adolescents and young adults around exams, stress, goals, and the like. Many of my clients have been parents dealing with the challenges of parenting. Many others have been children and adults struggling to cope with dysfunctional parenting. I have run workshops for parents and teachers on different aspects of mental health and well-being, with the aim of helping them facilitate the mental health of those in their charge, while being mindful about their own mental health.

The most recent illustration of the link between our children’s mental health and our style of parenting that I encountered was with a client who was referred to me recently. The young man had been suicidal just a couple of days before seeing me and so after the initial emergency care, the psychiatrist had sent him to me for help. He was a young man who had not been allowed to complete even his school education because his parents thought, obviously in their best judgment, that it would be great for their son to start working with a relative overseas in their family business. A lot transpired, and this young man eventually flew back home as he concluded that the uncle was involved in an illegal activity of enormous proportion. But the client’s traditional joint family systems put the sanctity of family relationships above all else and kept pushing the young man to go back and work with the uncle. My client eventually ran away from home to start afresh and cut off ties with his family. This is the point at which he came to me. His parents’ style of parenting would not allow him to question their decisions, or express his own opinions or feelings. The pressure of what was expected of him by his entire joint family support system, vs. what he believed was good for him was so intense that he found no escape other than to end it all. He did not, after all, have permission to challenge or even question what his parents wanted him to do. He was just expected to comply. He said he felt like he was in a jail with strong metal bars all around, and all he wanted to do was to break them and run away. Our work together was short, but very simple and meaningful. All it did was to give him the suggestion that it was okay to ‘not obey’ and break free from his mental jail. He felt freed and relaxed, and ready to live again, but on his own terms.

This column is an endeavor to explore the connection between our children’s mental health and our styles of parenting. It will also explore the impact our parents had on shaping who we are today, and our mental health as adults. While as parents we do our best and do what we believe is in our children’s best interests, we may not always be promoting, encouraging and even allowing them to live a mentally healthy life and become mentally healthy adults. Yet, we must at all times believe that we are ‘good enough’ parents and feel a sense of confidence in our ability to bring up confident, healthy, productive and fully functional individuals. In our ability to strike this balance between confidence and self-doubt, between knowing and not having a clue, between hanging on and letting go, between teaching and being willing to learn, between accepting and challenging, between being in the present and worrying about the future (our own and that of our children) lies the key to our mental health, and that of our children.

A lot of what I write about will be based on my experiences (what worked and didn’t work) as a child, as a parent, and as a counselor. However, in the interest of maintaining confidentiality and anonymity, I may never specify which is which.

As we explore this topic together, I would like to hear any questions you may want to pose to me. I endeavor to address at least one of your questions with every installment. So join me on a journey of learning and discovery for all of us.

Know Emotional Abuse

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald Living supplement on November 26, 2011]
 
Self-esteem must allow for self-expression, not self -justification, says Maullika Sharma

The self-esteem of our children is something we parents pay the least attention to. We worry about their food, clothes, discipline,  health, marks, extracurricular accomplishments, and the lack of them. But how many of us worry about our child’s self-esteem?

Low self-esteem in children can lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, under achievement, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of happiness, substance abuse and aggression. It influences a child’s ability to learn, grow, be creative, relate to others, make smart choices in life, and achieve goals. Self-esteem is thus the most important determinant of a person’s mental health and the most important thing a parent can focus on.

So what is self-esteem? It’s our confidence in our ability to handle life successfully, to think and understand the world, to make accurate judgments, decisions and choices. It does not mean a lack of self-doubt; what it means is that if you make a mistake, you’re confident enough to bounce back.

Another component of self-esteem is self-respect — that you judge yourself worthy of living and reaping the rewards of your efforts. It’s in knowing that you’re a good person, deserving of happiness and success. Lack of self-respect impedes an individual’s ability to be happy. It means that you may not aim to achieve anything much, because you don’t think you deserve it. It means the person will not stand up for himself and assert his needs and boundaries.

Self-esteem is the way we think and feel about ourselves. It’s the feeling that, “I’m important”, “I’m worthy”, “My needs are important” and “I’m good enough and accept myself, with all my strengths and weaknesses”.  How we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we achieve, with whom we fall in love, how we interact with our spouse, children or friends.  

How is self-esteem shaped?
It’s shaped by messages (verbal and non-verbal) we receive from significant adults early on in life; by messages we receive based on cultural traditions; and, by our own ideas, beliefs, and values. As a child, if you’ve been told by your parents that you aren’t good enough, you step into the workplace, marriage, and other relationships, believing that you’re not good enough. You spend your time trying to prove yourself, to yourself and to others. If your aim is to prove that you’re ‘enough’, the battle is lost the day you concede the issue is debatable. Your motive must not be to prove yourself, but to live out your possibilities. Your motive must be self-expression, not self-justification.

Low self-esteem has many faces. We only think of physical or sexual abuse that evoke traumatic feelings of powerlessness. But, often we make our children feel that they can’t do anything right; that they don’t count; that they are alone; that they are terrible; that they are unlovable; that they are a failure; that they are hopeless; and, that they hate themselves. If your child ends up feeling like this, then, it is a case of emotional abuse.
And this is a scary thought since all of us are probably guilty of this, without even realising it.

How to nurture self-esteem
Children need to make sense of their experiences. Within a family, this means adults who walk the talk; say what they mean, and mean what they say. It means rules that are consistent, understandable and fair. It means parents who are emotionally stable and who acknowledge their mistakes. A child’s repeated experience of terror at the hands of adults can have lasting, harmful consequences.  The greater a child’s fear and the earlier it’s experienced, the harder it is to build a healthy sense of self.

An effective parent can convey anger and disappointment without withdrawing love. As a parent, do you demand perfection and focus only on the outcome, or do you acknowledge the effort? If love is linked to performance, the child understands “I am not enough as I am” and no self-esteem can be built on a foundation of not being enough. Unconditional love is the cornerstone of self-esteem.

Acceptance of one’s thoughts and feelings is conveyed not by agreement, or chastising, lecturing, and insulting, but by listening and acknowledging. Be careful of what you say to your children, and how you say it. When parents convey love, appreciation, empathy, acceptance and respect, they make a child feel visible.

The ultimate objective is to make a child independent. We must teach children to identify and set goals, and assist them in achieving them — not by doing the work, but by providing the coaching needed. Our praise must be genuine. Criticism must be directed at the child’s behaviour, not at the child. No good is ever achieved by assaulting a child’s self-esteem. If we can rebuke without demeaning a child’s dignity, and can respect a child’s self-esteem even when angry, we’ve achieved the most challenging task of parenting.

Making mistakes is integral to learning. How we respond to mistakes, ours or our children’s, is critical. We don’t need to pretend that we’re perfect. We just need to be accepting of ourselves with all our strengths and weaknesses, and be accepting of them with all their strengths and weaknesses. Teaching your child to handle stress is also important. This is a direct spin-off of how we handle stress. Do we welcome change, or do we fear it; do we feel in control, or do we become helpless; do we find solutions or are we stuck at defining the problem; do we tackle tough decisions, or do we put them off?

It’s time for us, adults, to think about the impact we’re having on the self-image of the children in our care. Over 75 per cent of Indian children who come for counselling, struggle with self-esteem. It leaves me wondering how we could go so horribly wrong with our parenting. How could we, who value our children the most, not teach them to value themselves?