Your world just fell apart - your child received a diagnosis of mental illness

[The following article was first published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/your-world-just-fell-apartyour-child-received-a-diagnosis-of-mental-illness/ ]

It is definitely easier to deal with the diagnosis of an illness in yourself, your partner, your parents or your siblings. But dealing with the diagnosis of an illness or disability in your child is a completely different ball game. And when it is a mental illness it seems to take on a whole different dimension. There seems to be an added layer of complexity which need not necessarily be so. I am going to make an attempt here to understand this phenomenon a little better.

So, what happens when you first hear that your child has a mental illness? I can imagine you get flooded with a wave of emotions—fear and anxiety, shame and embarrassment, confusion and bewilderment, disbelief and pain. Dread, dread of what lies ahead, dread of what the world will say—to you, about you, to your child, about your child. A sinking feeling. Why me? Why my child? And guilt. How did I forget guilt? Guilt for having done something wrong as a parent; guilt for having the wrong genes; guilt for being at fault; guilt for not creating the right environment; and guilt for putting your child through this.

Phew! That’s a lot of emotions! And most of us never stop to recognize that they even exist, let alone remember to take out time to deal with them.

We are caught up with denial on the one hand, and with the cloud of worry that seems to have shrouded our future aspirations for our child, on the other. Will my child become independent and be able to achieve his or her potential? What kind of a life will my child have? What would it mean for my future as a parent? As an individual? As a spouse? Often, the marital relationship takes a huge toll, as the couple, so over-wrought with guilt on being the carrier of the ‘defective’ gene, indulges in the blame game. And hard as it may be to believe, given the futility of this game, this happens even amongst the most educated and enlightened ones!

Denial prevents us from facing the situation head on. What we need to do is to understand the diagnosis, get a second opinion, confirm it, and figure out the best way forward. We need to read, read and read some more, on how to understand the situation for ourselves, how to deal with it, and how to explain it to our child. Also, how to explain it to others in the family or support network who may need to know how best to support the child; how to explain it to the world at large.

While all this is going on, it is important to keep our sight firmly planted on the backdrop that says, “This is no one’s fault—not yours, not your child’s. Acceptance is the only path forward!” To use the now famous metaphor—most children are like dandelions that are able to take root and survive anywhere. But your child is like an orchid—fragile but beautiful, and capable of blooming spectacularly if given the special care needed by an orchid. The right parenting and right environment can help ‘orchid’ children grow into creative, successful and lovable members of society.

So what does this mean? How do you create the right environment to nurture the orchids?

• Acceptance is key—accept the child; accept the diagnosis; and, make sure the child understands it is not their fault.
• Acknowledge the child’s feelings, non-judgmentally. Children tend to hold themselves together in school and in front of others; they need the space, freedom, and permission to let their guard down and collapse at home, if they have to. This does not mean that they are ‘acting up’ at home, or that they are playing ‘victim’. Be sensitive to their privacy needs, as well.
• Listen actively
• Love unconditionally
• Keep the lines of communication open. Talk to children about things other than academics such as feelings, ideas, moral dilemmas, and maybe even failure.
• Praise generously, immediately and publicly, even for small accomplishments, but reprimand, if you must, gently and privately; positive feedback is always more powerful than negative feedback.
• Focus on discovering your child’s strengths and talking about them often, knowing that each child is unique and has its strengths.
• Support the child socially, since they may struggle in building relationships—it does not help to let them sink or swim on their own in the sea of peer relationships. They need a life-vest and that ought to be you!
• And, most importantly, get the right professional help not only for your child, but also for yourself.

Yes, for yourself, because to be able to do all of this for your child, it is imperative that you accept and befriend your own emotions. Take care of yourself and remember to recharge your own batteries. You need to bear in mind that none of this is a reflection of your own failure as a parent, as a spouse, or even as a human being. You need to spare yourself the unnecessary, unproductive and emotional turmoil that may be brewing within you. Everyone has problems in life, and you need to consciously remember that. Everyone is fighting some private battle at some point in their life, so in that you are not alone. You need to stop catastrophizing outcomes and learn to live in the moment, knowing that you cannot control the future no matter how hard you try. In addition to everything else, you also may need to focus on helping other children in the house cope, and keep the marriage intact, if possible. All this without professional help for yourself may be a tall order!

Does hitting impact the mental health of your children?

[The following article written by me was carried on the website of the White Swan Foundation http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/does-hitting-impact-the-mental-health-of-your-children/]

Children are routinely hit, at home and at school. After all, that is the most effective way to discipline them, isn’t it? Well, it certainly is the easiest way. How effective it is, is a whole different story.
I have met several children who are routinely hit for the slightest misdemeanor on their part. And adults who were hit when they were children – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod (as I mentioned in my last column). Apart from the fact that this gets me really agitated (and is really my issue to deal with), I began to think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to hit their children, and the psychological and emotional impact of this on their children.
So why would a parent physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons.

One of these, and a very significant one, is that that was the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know to discipline their own children. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but if they took a minute to recollect those instances, those feelings of many years ago would resurface: the fear, the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the feeling of not being good enough, the sadness, and yes, even the hatred for those who used to hit them!

The second reason is anxiety and helplessness — anxiety about their child’s performance and future, and helplessness at their inability to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety of what will become of their child in the future, and probably above all, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out ‘right’ or ‘perfect’. This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stresses, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with life and this is their way of expressing their anger. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, be expressing their anger onto their children, who feel powerless to respond. This may make the parents feel more in control of their actions, at a time when they feel helpless and out of control in the face of other situations.

There are several myths surrounding the ‘need’ to resort to hitting, and its importance, in bringing up children. Some parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful of them. This makes them feel in control. On the contrary, though, these children may end up believing that their parents are completely ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their ability to guide and mentor them.
Some parents believe that if they beat their child, the child will be scared of them, and will be able to focus on work, achieve something in life, and stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track, and do exactly what they want, just ensuring that their parents never come to know of it! The child feels motivated to do ’wrong’ behind the parents’ back. Fear also distracts the child and stops them from being able to concentrate. Fear may motivate them enough to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.

Some parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way. It teaches them that violence is okay. It teaches them that they don’t need to respect the feelings of others. It teaches them that they are not worthy of being liked or respected.

Some parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this only results in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. For disciplining to be effective, consequences must be known ahead of time, and there must be certainty of their being enforced a hundred per cent of the time.

Some parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehavior. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. And this involves a completely different shift in mindset for the parents. The painfulness of the hitting becomes completely irrelevant. The knowledge around certainty of punishment becomes more important than its randomness and painfulness.

So, there are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to hitting as a way of parenting and instilling discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, children learn that violence is an acceptable reaction to a trigger, and so start practicing it themselves. They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, and become targets for others. They work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They may slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a duty-bound relationship with their parents, as opposed to a relationship built on love, connection, communication, trust and caring.

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties and the short-comings of your past, whether that means practicing meditation, talking to a friend, or seeking the help of a counsellor. Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behavior.

I would prefer to believe that parents hit their children mindlessly; that it is an automatic response to a momentary stimulus, rather than a thought-out action with the intent of hurting their child. And, therefore, this is an attempt at making parents aware of the possible long-term implications of these momentary thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behavior, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.

Building Blocks - Are your frustrations affecting your child's mental health - www.whiteswanfoundation.org

[This piece by me was originally published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/are-your-frustrations-affecting-your-childs-mental-health/]

In my introductory piece, I had promised to explore the link between parenting and mental health, so here’s my take on the possible impact of a parent’s frustrations on a child’s mental health.

An adolescent child (in Standard 6) was sent to me by her teacher because of poor academic performance. The teacher felt she was very distracted and unable to focus and, having spoken to the parents a few times, she thought there may be more to the child’s problems than met the eye. So this young girl came to meet me and fortunately we were able to connect quite quickly.

 On a little bit of probing, this young girl showed me some scars on her legs. Those were scars from her mother using a hot iron rod on her. I was unsettled. No matter how experienced you are as a counsellor, some situations still have the power to leave you numb. This was one such. Being a mother, with a daughter of almost a similar age, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. 

This needed a lot of work. I was preparing myself for the long-haul. I decided to meet the parents to understand the complete picture, or at least however much they would share with me. What could possibly compel a mother inflict such pain on her child?

After some persistent calling, the parents finally came. I learnt that the parents were both working full time. When the child’s academic performance started dropping, and she was assessed for a learning disability, the school called the parents and informed them of the need for more personalized attention. The school also started putting subtle pressure on the mother to pay more attention to the child. The mother, frustrated, gave up her full time job to attend to the child.

What were her frustrations? They were not only about having to give up her job for the sake of the child, but also around gender equations (why does the mother have to compromise on career and not the father?); self-esteem (having the external validation that a job could provide, and parenting could not); dissatisfaction with her marital relationship (why did the husband pressurize her to leave? Why does he not give her the validation she needs?); and anger at her parents/in-laws (why couldn’t they come and attend to her child?) 

So much baggage! And there was probably more, but we could only get that far in our short time together since she didn’t come back after the first session.

And who was bearing the brunt of this baggage? An unsuspecting 13-year-old child who couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why her mother hated her so much, when all her friends’ mothers seemed to adore their children. This child lived in fear of not knowing when her mother would lash out at her; she lived in pain – emotional and physical. And having been conditioned not to wash the family’s dirty linen in public, had no one to talk to and lighten her burden. She thought she was a curse to the family and that she was not good enough. It is no mystery, at least not to me, about why the child was so distracted in school.

I never met her after the first couple of sessions, because the parents chose to change her school. They did not come back, either for individual sessions or for family sessions which I was pushing hard for. After all, the school was the problem, not them!

Several questions remained with me, some of which I will raise here. 

How would the situation have changed had the mother chosen to confront her own issues by recognizing them, accepting them and addressing them? I don’t for a moment grudge the mother her frustrations. Of course, they are valid. But if she had chosen to address them, she may not have been driven to pour them out onto her child. And the first step towards addressing them is recognizing them, acknowledging them, accepting them and then understanding what’s going on.

What has been the long-term impact of this dumping of personal frustration on the child’s mental health and wellbeing? While I have no data, I can only speculate. She may grow into an adult with very low self-esteem which will impact her future relationships, both on the personal and professional front. She may not be able to trust other relationships in her life. She may not achieve her potential because she will not have the safety net that is so essential to be able to step out of her comfort zone. She may become an overly anxious adult. And worse still, she may perpetuate the cycle of dumping her own frustrations on her children – having not known or experienced any other form of parenting herself.

For all you know, the mother was just perpetuating her own experience of growing up, as well.The sooner we recognize the pattern, and break the cycle, the sooner we can reclaim the wellbeing of our children. In the interest of our children’s mental health, let’s grab the reins and take the task of confronting our frustrations into our own hands. If not for ourselves, at least for our children. It’s not that we should not feel frustrated, or that it is wrong to feel that way. Getting frustrated by various situations is normal and natural. But just being mindful of that frustration and what it is leading us to do, will help us rein it in when needed.

The example I have given may seem a bit extreme, and we may tend to think that it does not relate to our situation, and therefore, we don’t need to pay attention to it. Yes, it is extreme, and the reason it stayed with me is precisely because of that. But sometimes to pay heed to something we need an ‘extreme’ reminder. The frustrations could come in much milder forms as well – a single mother trying to cope with the recent loss of her husband, having to bring up two adolescent children and hold herself together all the time; a mother having to focus equally on all of her five children while the father is away in another country; a step mother needing to prove her worth in her marital relationship by ensuring her step-child does well in academics; a stay-at-home mother fearing the loss of control and the loss of the purpose of her existence as her last child prepares to flee the coop. It could be anything, just anything. 

Frustrations come in many forms – we need to recognize them, accept them, and own them as ours. Let’s spare our children from them.