[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages on December 10, 2015]
Dear Madam,
I am 19-year-old and I am in my first year degree. I have difficulty in controlling my aggression. I belong to a background which is very different from the circle I hang around with and I think this has left me with an inferiority complex. A friend will make some comment that annoys me or upsets me and my default reaction is to laugh it off.
However, I am unable to focus on anything else for hours or even days after the event. Much later, I send an aggressive and condescending text to the friend in question, berating them for a remark they have usually forgotten about. This approach is taking a toll on my friendships.
How can I address these situations as they arise? I am not sure what steps I need to take to change my “default reaction.” I am so ingrained and automatic that I don’t realise I have done it till much later.
NP
Dear NP
Aggression is always a sign of an underlying need that is not met or an emotion that is not being satisfied or expressed. When you get angry try and understand what is causing you to feel the anger.
It may be helpful for you to read my article “Get a grip on anger” (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2011/03/get-grip-on-anger.html ) to understand what you are experiencing a little better.
It is always helpful to remember that only you know your truth and reality, and if someone says something about you that is not true, then it does not become true just because they say it. You must believe in yourself. When someone has a weak concept of self, and low self-esteem, and thinks they are not good enough, then anything anyone says becomes like a reality that has got exposed.
The great thing is that you have self-realization on how this pattern of behaviour is hurting you and your relationships. That is the first and biggest hurdle to cross. Once you cross that it is easy to make changes. It is always helpful to ask yourself if the ‘issue’ you are raising is more important than the ‘relationship’ you are destroying. Most of the time the answer to that is ‘No’.
A helpful technique, if you must raise the issue, is to state how the comment made you feel, not challenge the person for making the comment. So say “when you say this, I feel…” rather than saying, “how dare you say …” or “why did you say …”.
The second approach makes the other person defensive of their action and so will not acknowledge or understand the impact it is having on you. The first approach does not challenge them, but merely states the impact it is having on you. So it helps you communicate your point of view without throwing the other person into defensive mode.
Hope this helps. It is best to work through this issue in depth with a counsellor so that it does not block your relationships going forward. If you do not have access to a counsellor you could contact a counsellor at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323.
Dear Madam,
I am an engineering student studying in third year. I am not able to get as much marks as I deserve in my exams. I think one of the prominent reasons is my handwriting in the answer scripts.
Even though my handwriting is good enough, due to time limitations and pressure in exams my handwriting gets very bad. Please suggest me a few steps on how can I improve my presentation skills.
Dhanush
Dear Dhanush
I am not sure this is the right forum for me to help you on your presentation skills. The only thing I can suggest is to practice speed writing when you are not in an exam environment.
So when you have some time off, maybe you should focus on your hand-writing and do some exercise which force you to right at the speed that you need in exams. There is really no other way to improve hand-writing other than practice.
However, you may also want to verify from your teachers if your hypothesis that you are losing marks because of your writing is indeed correct.
How do you do in your assignments when you are not writing fast due to time pressure. Have your teachers every told you that you lose marks because of your writing?
If you are losing marks, instead, because of your exam anxiety and therefore not performing at the level of your potential, then that is a different problem which needs to be addressed with the help of a counsellor.
Take comfort in the fact that you will probably not need to actually be using your handwriting skills to any great extent after you are done with your exams as going forward everything is done on the computer.
All the best.
I am 19-year-old and I am in my first year degree. I have difficulty in controlling my aggression. I belong to a background which is very different from the circle I hang around with and I think this has left me with an inferiority complex. A friend will make some comment that annoys me or upsets me and my default reaction is to laugh it off.
However, I am unable to focus on anything else for hours or even days after the event. Much later, I send an aggressive and condescending text to the friend in question, berating them for a remark they have usually forgotten about. This approach is taking a toll on my friendships.
How can I address these situations as they arise? I am not sure what steps I need to take to change my “default reaction.” I am so ingrained and automatic that I don’t realise I have done it till much later.
NP
Dear NP
Aggression is always a sign of an underlying need that is not met or an emotion that is not being satisfied or expressed. When you get angry try and understand what is causing you to feel the anger.
It may be helpful for you to read my article “Get a grip on anger” (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2011/03/get-grip-on-anger.html ) to understand what you are experiencing a little better.
It is always helpful to remember that only you know your truth and reality, and if someone says something about you that is not true, then it does not become true just because they say it. You must believe in yourself. When someone has a weak concept of self, and low self-esteem, and thinks they are not good enough, then anything anyone says becomes like a reality that has got exposed.
The great thing is that you have self-realization on how this pattern of behaviour is hurting you and your relationships. That is the first and biggest hurdle to cross. Once you cross that it is easy to make changes. It is always helpful to ask yourself if the ‘issue’ you are raising is more important than the ‘relationship’ you are destroying. Most of the time the answer to that is ‘No’.
A helpful technique, if you must raise the issue, is to state how the comment made you feel, not challenge the person for making the comment. So say “when you say this, I feel…” rather than saying, “how dare you say …” or “why did you say …”.
The second approach makes the other person defensive of their action and so will not acknowledge or understand the impact it is having on you. The first approach does not challenge them, but merely states the impact it is having on you. So it helps you communicate your point of view without throwing the other person into defensive mode.
Hope this helps. It is best to work through this issue in depth with a counsellor so that it does not block your relationships going forward. If you do not have access to a counsellor you could contact a counsellor at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323.
Dear Madam,
I am an engineering student studying in third year. I am not able to get as much marks as I deserve in my exams. I think one of the prominent reasons is my handwriting in the answer scripts.
Even though my handwriting is good enough, due to time limitations and pressure in exams my handwriting gets very bad. Please suggest me a few steps on how can I improve my presentation skills.
Dhanush
Dear Dhanush
I am not sure this is the right forum for me to help you on your presentation skills. The only thing I can suggest is to practice speed writing when you are not in an exam environment.
So when you have some time off, maybe you should focus on your hand-writing and do some exercise which force you to right at the speed that you need in exams. There is really no other way to improve hand-writing other than practice.
However, you may also want to verify from your teachers if your hypothesis that you are losing marks because of your writing is indeed correct.
How do you do in your assignments when you are not writing fast due to time pressure. Have your teachers every told you that you lose marks because of your writing?
If you are losing marks, instead, because of your exam anxiety and therefore not performing at the level of your potential, then that is a different problem which needs to be addressed with the help of a counsellor.
Take comfort in the fact that you will probably not need to actually be using your handwriting skills to any great extent after you are done with your exams as going forward everything is done on the computer.
All the best.
