Strive for progress, not perfection - ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of June 18, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing engineering but I am not satisfied with it. It has always been my dream to write fantasy books for children but I am not sure if my parents would approve of it and hence, haven’t told them about it. It seems like every adult is counting on me to grow up and solve problems of the world when I am comfortable with imaginative writing. What do you 
suggest I do?
AJ 

Dear AJ,
If you are not sure about your parents approving your plan, then why are you presuming that they will not approve, and why don’t you go ahead and discuss it with them. Also, by conversation, you may be able to find a path that works for everyone. Lots of people will put the burden of their expectations on you. It is for you to accept the burden or not. You have to live up to your own expectations of yourself, and do what you feel will give you more satisfaction. It should preferably be a field that you have an interest in, that you are good at, and that society puts a value to, because eventually for you to feel worthy and make a living, what you do must be valued enough to allow you to make a living. When your parents influence you towards a particular career choice, they are only concerned about your being able to make a reasonable living and have a reasonable life. If you can convince them of being able to do that with your preferred choice, they will probably be more than okay with you following your dreams. It may be worthwhile for you to evaluate your dreams against these parameters and see how they hold up.

Dear Madam,
Girls in my college don’t find me attractive, and I think the reason is because I am fat. Since I was seven years old, I have been on the healthier side, which didn’t worry me until now. I am quite intelligent and have lots of friends but not the kind I would like. What should I do?
A student

Dear student,
I am assuming that you are a boy and are at the age when you are looking for romantic friendships. I may be completely wrong in these assumptions, but in the absence of any more information from you, I guess I will have to go with that. I am not sure what you are worried about. If you are intelligent and have friends, that is what is important. I don’t think you would want someone to like you just because of your physical looks. I am sure you would rather the girls liked you for your company, intelligence, confidence, sense of humor, creativity, and other such foundational qualities, than your physical appearance which is quite transitory. Chubbiness does not define you as bad, just like skinniness does not define you as good. These are attributes that you can change, should you choose to. But my question to you is this, do you want to change just to become more attractive to some girl, or do you believe in yourself, and your worth, and accept the fact that a discerning enough girl, who can value you for the right reasons, just has not come along yet, but will eventually. Like yourself, and others will follow! Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing my second year of engineering and I get hurt when I see people breeze through life while I slog away for minimum results. It takes a lot of time and work for me to reach average results. I feel bad for myself when I see people living a wonderful life, getting top academic marks, having perfect relationships, enjoying their lives. Could you tell me how to manage my life?
PM

Dear PM
No one’s internal struggles are visible to another. We go around feeling that we are the only one’s struggling while everyone has a perfect life. The reality is not so. Everyone has struggles, and each one’s struggles are unique. And even if they are not struggling with anything right now, it does not mean they never will. That is the cycle of life. There are ups, and there are downs, and they keep changing.
Having said that I would like to point you to the work of Carol Dweck. You may want to read up about it on the internet. Carol Dweck found that intelligence is not in-built and fixed. With effort, it can be acquired and increased. So all the hard-work that you put in is never wasted. It adds to you and your body of knowledge, skill and capability. Different people have different strengths and ability, and some people may be better than you at some things, but you may be better than others at other things. You can compare yourself to those who seem to be ahead and better than you and feel frustrated and jealous, or you can compare yourself to those who are less fortunate than you and feel a sense of gratitude. It’s your choice. While it is beneficial to look at those ahead to remember where you have to go and stay on track, it is also helpful not to lose sight of those behind you and feel grateful. All the best

Dear Madam,
I am currently studying biotechnology. My friend who is studying the same course with me seems to have lost his way. He keeps complaining about his lack of interest in the course and the regret of having taking up on his parents’ word. I have always been giving him advice but it seems like he does not take it into account. Even after telling him that interest can be fostered, he refuses to change his way of thinking. Kindly suggest on what I could do to help him out. I do not want to see him holding himself back anymore as this is our second year and I really want to score good grades with him. 
CK

Dear CK
Your concern for your friend’s success is very touching and I am glad you wrote in asking what you should do. I think the best advice you can give your friend is to ask him to see a counsellor to help him sort out his confusions in a safe space without the fear of judgment. Sometimes, we feel we know what is best for the other person, but in pushing them towards the path that we feel is best, we may not be allowing them to understand themselves and their situation. 

Maybe your friend has some fears, anxieties or apprehensions which he is unable to talk to you about, or even unable to understand for himself. If you have access to a counsellor in your college, that is great. If not recommend that he either sees a counsellor face-to-face or calls in to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323080-65333323, which is a free helpline for young adults to connect with a counsellor. All the best.

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 4, 2014]

Do not be afraid

Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. I have been a topper in my class since childhood. I am a very honest and sincere student. I never copy even if the answer paper is given to me! But these days I am growing jealous of my peers who score more than me by such unfair means, and I feel nobody has real talent, but they just keep getting marks without any actual knowledge. When I sit to study, sometimes this thought comes to my mind and I get irritated and lose my interest in studying. This has posed a great challenge to me and I am not able to come out of it. I want to stop this habit of “jealousy” and study with a cool mind.Please help me.
 
A student

Dear student

I understand that you are a very diligent and sincere student and you believe in putting in your hard work to get the results. You don’t believe in cheating and using unfair means and that is a great value to uphold. Ultimately, you are the one who is gaining the learning in the process.

You cannot control what others do and believe. You can only control your own actions and beliefs, and live by your own values. Obviously the values of the others don’t sit well with you which is why you are not following that path.

Remember, you will feel happy only when you are true to yourself, and live by values that you hold dear. The benefit in the process is that you gain the learning which others don’t. In the short-term you may feel they are better off because they are getting the marks without much effort. But, remember that in the long-term (and that is what matters), you will be richer in knowledge and have a better work ethic, and that is what will hold you in good stead in life.

Life is not about getting better marks than the others, it is about doing your best, and being your best and exploiting your true potential. You are not the one who should be getting jealous of them, they are the ones who should be jealous of you because you will be the winner in life.Good luck!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam, 

I am a girl studying in class 9. I have a problem connected with my studies. The problem is not in scoring marks. I always score above 95%. The problem is I study only at the time of my exams. During leisure time I don’t feel like studying at all. Sometimes my mind is diverted to all kinds of nonsense things. I do it having the knowledge that it is not good. Later I realise that it is harming me and I stop doing that. Do I need to practise some kind of meditation to concentrate on my studies? Please help me through this.

PH 

Dear PH

You should feel blessed that you are able to score well with a little bit of effort. You should celebrate this instead of feeling guilty about it. Imagine what you will be able to achieve with some more effort.

Having said that, it is not essential that you need to study all the time. If you were meant to study in it, you would not call it “leisure” time. You don’t need to feel guilty. Yes, if you are doing something harmful to yourself, or others, you should make a course correction. Ask yourself what you are gaining by doing that ‘nonsense’ activity. What is the “harm” that it is causing you? What are you gaining by causing that “harm” to yourself? When you are able to weigh the pros and cons, you would be able to make a more informed and wiser choice.

Meditation is proven to be helpful and these days mindfulness meditation is gaining a lot of popularity. It can’t hurt you and can only be helpful, so go ahead and start practicing it, anyway.All the best.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam,
 
I am a student of Class 12. I am not able to answer questions in class. For some reason I am low on confidence. I hesitate to clear my doubts. I cannot communicate with my teachers. When my teachers ask me questions, I get nervous and tense. I need to overcome this fear. Please help.

A student

Dear Student

You are not alone in having this fear. Many students have this fear. You need to ask yourself what are you scared off? What is your worst fear? If you ask your teacher something, what is the worst thing that can happen? Once you are able to identify what the worst possible outcome is, you will realise for yourself that, that is something you can probably live with and that it need not be so scary.

For instance, if you were to say that if you were to ask your teacher something in class, to clarify your doubt, the worst thing that could happen is that the teacher (or fellow students) may think you are dumb. And they may start laughing at you. My question to you is that if they do think you are dumb, does that mean that you are really dumb, or does that make you dumb.

That is something you need to ask yourself. What would make you give so much importance to their opinion of you, that you hold yourself back on their account? If for some reason they did end up thinking you are dumb, that does not become the reality. The reality is whatever you believe about yourself.

The universe just starts reflecting that. This is a relatively easy fear to overcome, and I suggest you work with a counsellor to help you, if you are not able to do it yourself. Remember, you need to believe in yourself and your capabilities, and your opinion of yourself is ultimately the only thing that matters. Don’t let others define you – define yourself! All the best

My Child Should be...

[The following article was published in Deccan Herald on February 3, 2011]


POSITIVE PARENTING Children need to find their own purpose and create their own path. Parents should merely support them in this process of searching for their self, writes Maullika Sharma
In my counselling practice, and in the various workshops I conduct on different aspects of parenting, I often meet parents who have a clearly mapped out future path for their children — every milestone documented (or at least etched in their mind). Their children must follow that path if they are to have a happy and successful future (and therefore, life).

However, children are here in the world, to find their own purpose and create their own path, and then to go down that path with zeal, enthusiasm and drive. Our role as parents is to merely support them in this process of their search for their self and their path. And we do this best by giving them the roots to grow and the wings to fly.  According to Brian Tracy, an American TV Host, “If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.”

As enlightened parents we need to know that our children come into our lives to fulfill their own purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. They are not here to give us a sense of validation. They are not here to carry on our family name or business, to achieve our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, to provide an insurance policy for our old age, or to bring glory to us. They are not here to fulfill our dreams, or think our thoughts, or become someone we think they should be. They are not our family “trophies” — to bring fame and glory to our family name. They are here to walk their own path.

So if you have any such expectations, it is imperative that you open up the windows of your mind and let the expectations go — not only because they are not based on any reality, but also because they can really make the environment toxic for your child.

There is a controversy raging in the Western press these days about the Chinese style of parenting, vs, the American style. The Chinese style is more regimented, disciplinarian and loaded with the highest expectations of their children in the path defined by their parents. Chinese children, for example, are not allowed to attend a sleepover; have a play date; be in a school play; complain about not being in a school play; watch TV or play computer games; choose their own extracurricular activities; get any grade less than an A; not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama; play any instrument other than the piano or violin; not play the piano or violin (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html). The American style, on the other hand, gives more space to a child's individual needs, interests, desires, aspirations, feelings, self-esteem, etc. While it is correct to say that the general level of academic performance of the Chinese children is higher, and therefore, we may conclude that the Chinese style is more effective in the long run, I believe that the Chinese system produces performers, not composers.

A quick Google search in the Classical Composers database threw up just 20 ‘Chinese’ composers but several pages of American composers. A question for us to think about is do we want our children to be performers (i.e. replicators, followers, doers, executers) of pre-written pieces, or do we want our children to be composers (leaders, designers, inventors, creators) of pieces that they are writing. While the Industrial Age attached a premium to diligence, execution, perfection, towing the line and other such qualities, the knowledge age that we are now living in (and that our children will definitely live in) attaches a premium to creativity, out-of-the-box thinking, the ability to learn on the job, the ability to problem solve, the ability to be a team leader, and a team player (in formal and informal team structures), the ability to communicate our ideas and opinions, the ‘can do’ attitude, the ability to be self-motivated and the ability to learn from failures, to name just a few. None of these get tested by our current system of examinations, and none of these qualities get developed by our current system of education.

So if you expect your child to get a hundred per cent, and she lives up to your expectation, she may still not be a success in life, and in the work place. Do you want her to succeed in her exams, or do you want her to succeed in life? It is a decision you may need to take as a parent, because the paths to both may be completely different.

Does that mean that parents should not have any expectations. No, far from it. Children are known to try and live up to parental expectations, and therefore, having some expectations will spur them on to push themselves to achieve greater heights. It will push them to get out of their comfort zone and try out new things. All it means is that the expectations should not be about marks and performance.

Expectations should be about behaviour, not performance. Expectations should about your child's putting in their best effort; about learning; about living by values that you help your child believe in; about your child pushing the boundaries and limits of his or her capabilities; about being socially well-adjusted; about believing in themselves; about having dreams and aspirations; to mention just some of the few drivers for excellence in today's world.

So what CAN we give our children? Our knowledge and belief of who they really are! And an honest, authentic, safe and secure environment where they can grow, without fear of non-acceptance.
And, what can we expect as parents? In the words of Sharon Goodman, we should expect nothing less than “a magnificent adventure as we guide our children to know who they really are!”

Be an independent learner first : Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column December 31, 2010

The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt 31.12.10

Dear Madam,

I am in the ninth standard and I cannot perform well in class. I feel neglected by my maths teacher. She only takes time to explain formulas and techniques to those who study well. My doubts are never cleared. My mother shouts at me because I cannot improve my grades. What should I do? Please help

Radhika

Dear Radhika

You have written that you ‘cannot’ do well in class. I am not sure whether you meant to say ‘cannot’ or ‘do not’. If you say you ‘cannot’ do well, then it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy — since you believe you cannot do it, you never will be able to do it. On the other hand, if you say you ‘do not’ do well, then you need to believe in yourself and your ability to succeed in achieving goals. You could be in your current situation because of two possibilities.

*The first one is that the pressure you are facing at home is stressing you out, and your stress is not allowing you to focus on understanding what is happening in class. Your belief that you are not ‘good enough’ makes you feel neglected by the maths teacher, whom you say answers only ‘good’ students. You have to believe in yourself and believe that you are as worthy as any other student in getting your doubts clarified. That gives you the courage to raise doubts till they are resolved. Your anxiety about performance may also be hampering your ability to memorise the formulas that are needed. You need to be able to talk to your mother and explain the situation in school. You also need to work on getting the attention that you deserve from you teacher. The other possibility is that you are looking for explanations outside of yourself to counter the fact that you may not be making an honest effort. If you can tell yourself that you have done your best, honest effort, then I would say, don’t focus on results. It is the effort that is important and that will eventually pay off. Good luck.

Dear Madam,

I completed engineering in Electronics and Communication in 2009. I have not worked or studied since. I was not motivated or interested in studying further. But, after a year of doing nothing, I want to work and help my parents financially. How do I motivate myself? What should I do?

Gulshan

Dear Gulshan

I sense that you regret having wasted a year of your time and now you want to make amends. You also regret that this wasted year has made you lazy, frustrated and de-motivated.

You now seem to be ready to take on larger responsibilities in life, and that in itself will be a motivator. And, if this past year has made you learn that lesson, then you need not view it as entirely wasted. Try working with some simple short-term goals initially.

Success in achievement of those goals will motivate you to take on more challenging tasks in the long run. You may, however, like to explore why you feel that you have no motivation or interest in life. For this, talk to someone you can trust — a counsellor, friend, parent — who will help you explore these roadblocks. I think it is very important for you to recognise why and how you got to this state so that you can become aware of your patterns and avoid repeating them in future. All the best!

Dear Madam,

I am studying engineering at GIT College. I got 65% in II PUC and I am an average student. I used to be a top performer but now I feel like I have lost that ability to work hard or learn. Until Class 8, I had good scores. Now, my friends and teachers have to help me. How can I improve my scores and myself? Please help.

Anusha

Dear Anusha

It is not uncommon for children to do well in the early years of school and then to let performance taper off as the work load increases. When you say that you are now not able to study, you need to explore what that means.

Please ask yourself the following questions:

*Does it mean that you don’t understand what is being taught? Or, does it mean that you are not putting in enough effort in studying because you are distracted by other things?

I also don’t understand what you mean by the fact that your friends and teachers help you all the time.

*Are they doing your work for you or are they giving you concessions so that you can get by?

Both options are not conducive to an independent learner and the only person who can put a stop to that is, you. You need to learn to depend on yourself and believe in yourself and your ability to perform. Also, remember that eventual success in the workplace is not a function of mere marks. It is also (and probably more so) dependent on your confidence, communication skills, on-the-job skills, your ability to think out-of-the-box, team player skills, and the ability to lead a team, among a host of other skills which do not get reflected in your marks.