[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald of October 6, 2016]
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student with a good academic record. But I am unpopular among friends and relatives because of my outspoken nature. I also have the problem of pointing out others’ mistakes. In spite of conscious efforts, I am not able to control myself. It also makes others feel that I am trying to show off. Kindly guide me.
Aditi
Dear Aditi,
It is good that you are aware of your behavior that may be interfering in your relationships with people. It is possible, however, that you may be just reflecting what others have told you about yourself. Is this your opinion, or is this what others have told you that they want you to change? If it is based on an opinion others are expressing about you, you need to think about whether you agree with that point of view.
I am a Class 10 student with a good academic record. But I am unpopular among friends and relatives because of my outspoken nature. I also have the problem of pointing out others’ mistakes. In spite of conscious efforts, I am not able to control myself. It also makes others feel that I am trying to show off. Kindly guide me.
Aditi
Dear Aditi,
It is good that you are aware of your behavior that may be interfering in your relationships with people. It is possible, however, that you may be just reflecting what others have told you about yourself. Is this your opinion, or is this what others have told you that they want you to change? If it is based on an opinion others are expressing about you, you need to think about whether you agree with that point of view.
Bear in mind that Indian culture does not like people to express their opinions very openly, least of all young girls. Girls are expected not to have too much of an opinion on anything, and they are definitely not expected to express it openly. So think about it. What aspects about yourself do you want to change, and what are those aspects that you are saying you want to change to please others. Unless you are being rude or offensive, and hurting people deliberately, I think it is important to be able to form an opinion and express it, if needed.
I would like to differentiate here between having an opinion, and being overly judgmental about people. Not everyone will have the same opinions as you, and not everyone will do things the way you would do them, or like them to be done. Everyone is different. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, just like you do, and it is important to always remember that people will be different from you, but that difference is not necessarily bad. It is just different.
I would like to differentiate here between having an opinion, and being overly judgmental about people. Not everyone will have the same opinions as you, and not everyone will do things the way you would do them, or like them to be done. Everyone is different. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, just like you do, and it is important to always remember that people will be different from you, but that difference is not necessarily bad. It is just different.
So long as you accept others points of view, having your own and expressing it is not a problem. It is when you believe that your way is the only way, your opinion is the only valid opinion, and that you are the only one who knows best, then it becomes a problem. There is space for many versions of people, and many points of view to coexist peacefully in this world. All the best.
Dear Madam,
I am a girl studying in II PUC. I am overweight. Right from my childhood, I have had issues with my weight. Earlier, only my relatives used to taunt me for being fat, but now even my college mates make fun of my obesity. Although, I try to brush them off most of the times, I get hurt when the comments get nasty and really personal. What do I do? I am not ashamed of my weight, but it would help if everyone else stopped putting so much pressure on it.
A stressed girl
Dear stressed girl,
You cannot control what others say and do. Today you may force one group of people to stop teasing you about your weight, but tomorrow another group may start. The only thing you can control is what you think, feel and believe about it yourself. Weight is just one of our physical attributes like so many others. It is the meaning we ascribe to it that makes it positive or negative. If you believe you would like to cut it down, there are many choices before you to help you down that path whenever you want.
Dear Madam,
I am a girl studying in II PUC. I am overweight. Right from my childhood, I have had issues with my weight. Earlier, only my relatives used to taunt me for being fat, but now even my college mates make fun of my obesity. Although, I try to brush them off most of the times, I get hurt when the comments get nasty and really personal. What do I do? I am not ashamed of my weight, but it would help if everyone else stopped putting so much pressure on it.
A stressed girl
Dear stressed girl,
You cannot control what others say and do. Today you may force one group of people to stop teasing you about your weight, but tomorrow another group may start. The only thing you can control is what you think, feel and believe about it yourself. Weight is just one of our physical attributes like so many others. It is the meaning we ascribe to it that makes it positive or negative. If you believe you would like to cut it down, there are many choices before you to help you down that path whenever you want.
However, if you believe that you are comfortable with who you are and reducing your weight is not something you want to spend your blood, sweat and tears on that is your personal choice and you are absolutely right about choosing it. Others will reflect what you feel about it. If you are comfortable with your weight and don’t really care about what others are saying, then turn around and tell them that your weight is your business, not theirs and that they should focus on their business. Or you can turn around them and be honest to them and tell them what their comments make you feel and you would appreciate if they did not make those comments.
So, yes, you can’t control who says what, but you can control your response to whatever anyone says. So go ahead and respond appropriately. Let people know how their comments make you feel because you are important, and your feelings are
important.
Dear Madam,
I am a college-going guy who has always maintained above average scores. I have this constant need to be right and perfect all the time. And when things don’t go my way, I get anxious and worry till everything gets back to normal. This incessant worrying affects my studies badly sometimes. Is this an anxiety attack? What do I do in order to prevent such instances again?
An anxious student
Dear anxious student,
Anxiety can manifest in many ways, and in extreme cases may lead to a panic attack where you actually feel physical discomfort. While perfectionism is often interpreted to be a positive trait, it can in fact have very negative consequences and is often at the root of a lot of anxiety that people have. I think you would benefit tremendously from being able to discuss your concerns with a counsellor who can help you uncover your irrational beliefs about the world, and the various ways in which anxiety may be hampering your progress. Anxiety results mostly due to the fear of future and the unknown.
important.
Dear Madam,
I am a college-going guy who has always maintained above average scores. I have this constant need to be right and perfect all the time. And when things don’t go my way, I get anxious and worry till everything gets back to normal. This incessant worrying affects my studies badly sometimes. Is this an anxiety attack? What do I do in order to prevent such instances again?
An anxious student
Dear anxious student,
Anxiety can manifest in many ways, and in extreme cases may lead to a panic attack where you actually feel physical discomfort. While perfectionism is often interpreted to be a positive trait, it can in fact have very negative consequences and is often at the root of a lot of anxiety that people have. I think you would benefit tremendously from being able to discuss your concerns with a counsellor who can help you uncover your irrational beliefs about the world, and the various ways in which anxiety may be hampering your progress. Anxiety results mostly due to the fear of future and the unknown.
Negative thoughts can create havoc with our emotional stability and our ability to focus and be productive. If you are able to meet a counsellor face to face, that’s great. If not, reach out to counsellors at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 and they will be able to assist you.
Anxiety can create havoc, but is also something that can be managed by altering our world-view and thought process. So get the help to do that now. Good luck!
Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student. My good friend and I stopped talking to each other over a year ago due to some differences. Ever since, I find it difficult to share anything openly even though I do try to do so. As a result, I am finding it difficult to make new friends and even keep in touch with my current friends. I constantly find myself thinking about how we could have made our friendship work. This is affecting me in living my life to the fullest now. Kindly guide me as to how I can get out of this ‘pit’ of self-hate and how I can regain control.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It is not for no reason that it is said that one can be one’s own worst enemy because of one’s own negative thoughts and self-critical inner voice. I understand that you are still grieving at the loss of an old friendship and may be you have not been able to process that event completely for yourself and are therefore finding yourself stuck.
Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student. My good friend and I stopped talking to each other over a year ago due to some differences. Ever since, I find it difficult to share anything openly even though I do try to do so. As a result, I am finding it difficult to make new friends and even keep in touch with my current friends. I constantly find myself thinking about how we could have made our friendship work. This is affecting me in living my life to the fullest now. Kindly guide me as to how I can get out of this ‘pit’ of self-hate and how I can regain control.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It is not for no reason that it is said that one can be one’s own worst enemy because of one’s own negative thoughts and self-critical inner voice. I understand that you are still grieving at the loss of an old friendship and may be you have not been able to process that event completely for yourself and are therefore finding yourself stuck.
It may be helpful for you to get the help of a counsellor who can help you work through your thought process and help you understand the irrationality and negativity of your thoughts. Counselling will help you move to a place of acceptance of yourself and the circumstances so that you can live in the present. Things happen in our lives which we cannot control. Sometimes we could have done something to prevent them, while at other times we could not have. Nevertheless, we need to accept situations and move on.
Nothing is to be gained by self-blame. Understand the lessons about life, people and relationships that incident has taught you. Be thankful, you got an opportunity to learn those lessons early on. Be mindful of your present, and be conscious to not make the same mistakes again. That will help you move on and enjoy the things and relationships life still has to unfold for you. All the best.