Never stop trying - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald education pages on March 22, 2016]

Dear Madam,
I am currently in the sixth semester of computer science engineering. For the past two years, I have been in the same year with about 15 backlog subjects. My parents are forcing me to clear all the subjects at one go. I tried very hard but couldn’t do it last year. I have lost all my confidence and feel that I can’t do it anymore. Could you please help me out here?
A student
Dear student,
I can understand your frustration. I think you need to be realistic in your estimation of what is achievable. If you have not been able to clear 15 subjects in their normal course, it is unrealistic of your parents to expect that you clear them all together, along with your normal course load. You will have to split them up and do them in smaller clusters. Your parents expect you to clear the papers, and I am sure that is what you would expect of yourself too. So, make a plan that is realistically achievable by you and tackle it. Slow and steady wins the race. It may mean that you may complete the course with some delay. But completing is the important thing, not the time you took for it. 
Put the resultant delay into the perspective of your whole life. You will realize that it is not a big deal. So, break up the task ahead into smaller, bite-sized and manageable chunks and then conquer them, one paper at a time. Every paper that you complete successfully will give you the confidence to tackle the next one. If you try to do them all at once, the task will be too overwhelming. Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in class 10 (CBSE) in a residential school. I have been suffering from loss of hearing since my childhood. Although I study well, my friends don’t co-operate with me in the classroom. Sometimes, when I can’t hear the teacher in the class, my friends don’t help me out. Although I wear hearing aids, it’s hard at times. Could you suggest ways in which I can manage my classmates?
A student
Dear student, 
I am glad you reached out for help. It is great that you are able to study well in spite of your challenges and I must applaud you for your effort. I am sure it is not easy, and you are facing the situation well. Sometimes, classmates can be competitive and mean, not only because of your disability, but even to children without any disability, because they don’t know any better. You need to believe in yourself and realize that you have far more resilience and capability than them because of your circumstances. Sometimes, children don’t feel good about themselves and the way they feel better about themselves is by putting other students down. That is a choice they make. You don’t need to fall into their trap. You must believe in yourself and realize that you have much more strength and courage than them. 
If they don’t answer your questions, ask the teacher again. Very often, the teacher may not say anything different from what is in your textbook, so if you read the book later, you would not have missed anything important. You could also request the teacher to give you a seat right in the front of the class, where you will not be distracted by other noises and children and will be able to hear the teacher better. Don’t take what others are doing to heart because it is not a reflection of you, but is a reflection of them. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a 23-year-old student pursuing M.Tech in mechanical engineering. Till BE, my studies, grades and understanding capabilities were good. Due to some personal and health issues, I dropped a year in my M.Tech course, but rejoined it soon after. But it feels like my understanding capabilities and concentration have gone down drastically. So much so, that I find it difficult to remember small things too. I am scared that all these factors will affect my career. Kindly help me out.
Chethan Simha H N
Dear Chethan,
Sometimes, our ability to concentrate gets affected if we are very anxious or worried. Do you think that your fear and anxiety about what will happen in the future may be affecting your ability to concentrate right now? Try and understand what your fear is about. Anxiety happens when you assume a negative outcome of whatever you are attempting. The reality is that you can’t be sure the outcome will be negative but you assume the certainty of it being negative. You overlook the past, and the past successes and assume that everything going forward will be negative. That is when anxiety develops and automatic negative thoughts take over your mind, allowing little space for concentration and positive thoughts.  Seeking the help of a counsellor in such situations can be extremely helpful in dealing with your anxiety. If you are not in a place where you can access a counsellor face-to-face, try accessing counselling helplines like the free Parivarthan Counselling helpline at 080-65333323, where you can directly reach a counsellor for help. All the best.

Keep Faith in Yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of February 11, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in IX in Bengaluru. I have many problems in my studies. I am not able to concentrate on my studies and I do not know the reason. One more problem is that I want to become a fashion designer. I am very passionate about it. I am not able to decide what subjects I should opt for in 11th. I cannot opt for arts as no one in my family will let me study arts because they tell me that arts is not at all useful. Kindly guide me on this aspect. And please let me know how I can improve my concentration.

Pooja K
Dear Pooja,

When you are in the 9th, the subjects you are going to do in the 11th standard is not something you need to decide right now. As far as I know you need to decide your subjects only in the middle of your 10th standard. At this point of time, what subjects you eventually choose does not have any bearing on what you do right now, because for now you have to do all subjects, and attempt to do all subjects as well as you can. So don’t create an additional hurdle in your mind that is not allowing you to proceed because you don’t know what to do in the 11th. The two are not related right now. 

Also, even if you want to pursue fashion designing as a career, you can do so with whatever subject you choose in the 11th. It is important for you to remember that your career choices may change as you grow older, and they often do. Most people don’t have a firm choice as early as 9th standard. So it is always safer to make subject choices which keep your options open so that you have the possibility of choosing a different path.

As for your concentration, you need to understand what thoughts are causing you to get distracted. It is often helpful to do some deep breathing when you are distracted, and bring you focus back. I would need to understand what is distracting you in more detail to be able to help you. Maybe you can call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 to talk to a counsellor who can help you with this. All the best.

Dear Madam

I am presently studying 2nd year BE. In the first year, I have scored FCD (first class with distinction). However, I feel that my interest towards studying is decreasing and I sometimes feel that I may fail. I don’t know why this is so. During the exam time, I feel more sleepy and I can’t even read for two hours continuously.  I tried studying by sitting in the library but couldn’t and I can’t see myself lagging behind. Can you suggest ways to help me?

Potential engineer
Dear potential engineer,

I hear you say two things – the first is that you are scared of failure. This fear is what is potentially holding you back from being able to perform at your best and put in your best effort. The second thing I hear you saying is that you can’t see yourself lagging behind. In some ways the two things are linked, but there are some differences.
I urge you to read this article on the subject of failure: 

http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html 

We need to learn to view failure, not as something to be dreaded, but as something which helps us understand our limits and learn from the experience. Failure is never a person but an event. So if you fail in an exam, it does not mean that you have failed, all it means is that you have failed at an exam. There may be several other things that you will succeed at. Instead of viewing failure as a final blow, we have to learn to take it in its stride, because some amount of failure in life is inevitable and the sooner we learn to deal with it, the better.

The second issue about not being able to see yourself lagging behind is also related to the same concept. You need to build your sense of self-worth based not only on your academic performance but on other qualities of your personality as well. I think it will be helpful for you to get the help of a counsellor to help you deal with these too aspects, because these are easy to understand if you spend the time to do it, but if you don’t they have the potential to derail you from your path. 

You don’t need to be successful at everything you do, even though that may be a preferred choice. You need to focus on completing the marathon that is life, not on winning every sprint. All the best.

Your definition of success and failure impacts your child's. Do you know your definition?

[ The following article originally appeared at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/your-definition-of-success-and-failure-impacts-your-child-do-you-know-your-definition/ ]

Everyone wants to be a success. No one wants to be afailure. And understandably so. Success and failure, however, are terms meant to define events, not people. You are either successful at doing something, or achieving some milestone, or you failed at doing something or did not achieve some milestone. That does not imply that you are a complete success or a complete failure. There are other aspects of you that you may not be so successful at, or that you may not be such a failure at. The most successfulperson (if there can be such a term) may have a large bank balance, but may be a complete failure as a parent or a spouse. And a person who has been an absolute failure at business, may be an unbelievably good parent or an amazing friend.

So success and failure are terms used to describe how we did at a particular event in our life – not how we are in totality. But every so often we are unable to see the difference.

We often believe that we are a success, and our child must be a success. And the hint of failure in any small aspect of our life, or theirs, sends us into a tizzy. Or we believe that we have been a failure and therefore want to make sure that our children don’t end up as failures! If a child fails in an exam we call them failures; we project that they will remain failures for the rest of their lives. Whereas they may have just failed at an exam, and there may be several other aspects of life that they may have been successful at or successful in. We don’t allow ourselves to see or acknowledge that they may be great in sports, they may be wonderfully empathic human beings, they may be great artists and wonderful singers, they may be good orators or creative problem solvers, they may be honest and helpful, or that they may have wonderful people skills. We overlook all of this and brand them as a failure because they failed at an exam!

Similarly, if we lose our job, we brand ourselves as a failure, sometimes to the point of never being able to recover again. We interpret that failure at that particular job as a verdict on us, and our entire life, never allowing us to bounce back and think of ourselves in any other terms.

To accept our children in totality (and accept we must) with all their strengths and weaknesses, we need to understand success and failure as terms used to define events and not people. Which means that we need to look at ourselves also as people who have been successful in some aspects of our lives, and failures at others. We need to acknowledge and accept things that we failed at and we need to be comfortable talking about our failures. Can we accept our past failures, and take stock of what we learned from the experience? Are we comfortable with having failed in certain aspects and able to talk to our children about our failures? Can we make our failures, and how we dealt with them, an integral part of dinner-time conversations? Only then can we help our children accept failure as just another event in their lives – a learning opportunity that came their way – rather than something that fatally defines them in totality.

Some failure is inevitable – in our life, and in the life of our children. Equipping our children with life skills that will help use the failure to gain a deeper understanding of themselves, and gain new learnings from the situation, will be an invaluable gift that we can give them – far more valuable than the biggest bank balance that we may be slaving for. It will teach them the importance of resilience – of bouncing back in the face of adversity, and not letting adversity define them. And the sooner they learn this life lesson, the better off they will be.

But, children learn from what they see and experience, not from what we say or scream about. So that means they will learn life lessons around success and failure from how we, as parents, experience and deal with success and failure ourselves. They need to see us model behavior that takes failure in its stride. They need to see us learn from our failures. They need to see us fall down and then bounce back again – sometimes to newer heights, and sometimes to fall down again. They also need to see us succeed at some things, and take success in its stride. They need to see us experience joy in our successes.

In short, they need to see us experience failure and success, but most of all they need to see success and failure as temporary events in our life, not permanent life-defining states of being. In the words of John Wooden, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts.”

Courage in the face of adversity, and humility in the face of prosperity, is what we need to model as parents. Only then will our children experience it from us, and only then will they learn to live it. And then, and only then, will we have helped them grow into resilient adults, ready to face all the challenges and joys, successes and failures, that life will throw in their path.

Never underestimate the power of our influence – negative and positive – on the lives of our children. Let’s strive to maximize the positive and minimize the negative.

Be Courageous - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

(The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of December 25, 2014)


Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 12. I don’t have a confident personality because of which I can’t answer questions or even talk to my teachers in the classroom. I even hesitate to ask my doubts. I get nervous when my teachers ask me questions. Is there a way to overcome this fear?
ZA

Dear ZA,
I would like you to spend a couple of minutes trying to identify what your worst fear is – answering questions or clearing your doubts. If your teacher asks you something what is the worst thing that you think could happen? Often our fears are undefined and all encompassing. We are not able to identify them, and that allows them to become larger than life. Try to answer these questions and in the process, you will most probably realise that your fear is irrational and misplaced.
For example, the worst thing that could happen when you ask questions in class, is your friends or teachers may laugh at you. Or they may think that you are not particularly smart. You will realise that there are far worse outcomes possible in life, and this is relatively inconsequential. You don’t need to be ruled by the fact that someone may laugh at something you said, or that someone may think you are not very smart. That is their perception and does not become the truth. The problem is we start believing that what others think and feel about us is the truth and we start believing that.
You need to believe in yourself and your capability. It is not a crime to not know something, or to ask for a clarification. After all, if you knew everything then why did you need to go to school? So to believe that you should know everything and that if you don’t, somehow, you are not good enough is a fallacy. Have the courage to ask questions and make mistakes. Life is not about pretending to be perfect. It is about accepting who you are, believing in yourself, striving to grow and having the courage to ask for help.

Dear Madam,
I have failed in one of the subjects in II PUC. Unfortunately, I have never failed in any of my subjects till now. I am considering giving a re-exam. What do I do? My family is depressed for me and I feel my dreams are
shattered.
YS
Dear YS,
I would like you to remember that
failure is one of many events that will happen in your life. To allow one event define the rest of your life is not very helpful. When one door closes, another door will open, provided you allow yourself to let it.
By all means take a re-exam. It can be a fantastic learning opportunity. Try and look at the recent failures in your exam, and learn from it. Understand what you didn’t do, or could have done better. It is essential that you don’t
repeat the same mistakes. It is important to analyse the past situation and understand what went wrong and how you could have done better. And if you are able to do that, then this current failure would not have been a waste. It could turn out to be a learning moment for some important life lessons.
Don’t let one failure define you. And keep your larger goal and picture in mind. This exam is not the end-goal of your life. Life is a journey, and this is just one of the milestones along the way. This milestone may be a little crooked and off the mark, but that does not give it the power to define the whole journey as being crooked or off the mark. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am currently studying in 11th standard. I have taken up PCMB and I am confused about my future career choices. I do not have a clear idea as to which course to pursue after this. I love mathematics and I also aspire to be a socialite as I love social work, or a even a CEO. As this is an odd combination, I don’t know which way to proceed. Can I do BSc or are there any courses which relate to my
interests?
Nimisha
Dear Nimisha,
At a stage when you do not have clarity on what you would like to do in the long-term, it is good that your choice of subjects allows you to keep all your options open. Since you are unclear about which way to go, it may be helpful for you to define what success means to you. Success may be defined differently by different people. For some, it may mean attaining a designation (as in becoming a CEO) or it may mean enjoying the kind of work you do, or it may be defined by the amount of money you make and the lifestyle you live, or it may even be defined by the kind of impact you have either on society, or on your field of study, or even on any one person.
Try and define what kind of choices appeal to you. And a path you choose can have a combination of all the elements you have mentioned – social work, leadership management, maths and so on.
Understand your preferences and your values, and work backwards from there. Also remember, there may be many paths that may lead you to your end goal. Just one word of caution – a socialite is not someone who does social work, but rather one who enjoys living the high ‘social’ life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am an average student who scored 88 percent in 10th and 89 percent (PCB) and 79 percent (PCM) in 12th. I opted for engineering owing to my father’s pressure. Although my college is good, I am finding it hard to adjust to my studies. Moreover, I am in a digital branch, which is giving me troubles. I am tired of this autonomous system of failures – makeup exams, supplementary exams, backlogs and credits. I come from a middle-class family and this is my management seat. I don’t want to waste the money spent so far and have decided to join master’s in mass communication or journalism as I aspire to be a journalist. Is this the right decision?
A student

Dear student,
Often out of confusion emerges clarity. If there was no confusion, you would just continue on your path without thinking about it. The fact that you are confused is making you think about your options, choices, preferences and values. I understand that you are feeling bogged down with what is appearing to you to be a continuous spiral exams, and more exams, and this is causing you some frustration.
Please remember, that there are many paths to reach the same end goal. You want to be able to support your family and also do something that you enjoy and gives you satisfaction. There are many paths to achieving both these objectives, and both these objectives are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to achieve one at the cost of the other – you can do both. It is important to recognise and acknowledge if something is not working for you. It is okay to make a course correction mid-way if you realise you are on the wrong path, rather than stick to the wrong path all the time and continue to regret it. All the best.

Life is a marathon; keep running - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald Education Supplement on September 25, 2014]
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Dear Madam
My son is in the 8th standard. He is intelligent, smart and loving. However, he is a little stubborn and unwilling to accept failure in anything, including games. If reprimanded, he shows his unhappiness through anger, back answering etc. He does not have any inclination to systematic studies and is not keen to work seriously on anything. He almost always depends on what he has heard in the first instance in class, his intelligence and general information to deal with his subjects. He prefers to glance through his books. He likes music, books, general knowledge, sports and technology. I am not comfortable about pushing him in anything, including studies, but I do not want him to be irresponsible. We sent him to an alternative school but it did not work out. Is there anything that he can take up according to his inclination — something in art, drama, music — and come back to formal studies as and when he feels like it? If he finds a career that supports him for a reasonable living, we will be more than happy.
A Parent

Dear Parent

I do not have any input on types of schools and options for alternative careers and courses. I do have a question for you though, and that is around your hesitation to guide him, steer him and may be even push him a little bit. I get the sense that you feel there is something wrong in doing that. I believe that children need to know that there is someone in control who will let them fly on auto-pilot, but is there for a course correction as soon as it is needed. Children need to know that someone is in control to hold them if things don’t go right; that someone is there to show them the path if they need it; that someone is there to tell them when they are doing wrong. Otherwise how do they learn to differentiate right from wrong; good from bad? It is all very well to let them discover their path, but with the knowledge that should they stray too far away, someone will bring them back, rather than let them get lost in the jungle. So why are you afraid of holding the parental reins, and maybe tugging at them when needed? This is something for you to think about. As for your son, I would need to hear from him in order to be able to help him find his motivation. All the best.
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Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student (PCMB). I am not able to concentrate on studies and I get distracted very easily. I sometimes get bored of studying and ask myself, ‘For what do we have to study — is it just for 3 meals a day?’ I cycle to my college, which is about 5 km from home, and also to tuitions. Even though I have nutritious food, cycling makes me very tired and therefore I need about 8 to 9 hours of sleep. Due to this, I am not able to study daily and the portions pile up. I get worried when a friend says that he gets up at 3 am and is able to study because I am not able to. During exams my hands and feet sweat a lot. I am basically a slow writer and cannot complete the paper within the specified time. My Maths lecturer says it is necessary to study at least 5 hours in 2nd PUC. What can I do to overcome the above problem?
Vinayak 

Dear Vinayak
You need to find your own motivation and reasons to study, as well as your own method of studying that works for you. Don’t worry about how much the others are studying and what your teachers are saying. You need to figure out for yourself how much you need to do. It is not about studying for 5-6 hours, or about getting up at 3 am. All of that is useless if you are not concentrating and focusing on what you need to do. One hour of focused work may actually be better than 6 hours of distracted time-pass. I have written a lot in this column on the issue of exam anxiety and I would urge you to read the article on “Demystifying Exam Anxiety” on my blog http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html.
You are raising some fundamental questions about why we need to study, and I think that if you are able to answer that question for yourself (because each one’s reasons for the need to study will be, and should be, different), you will find the motivation that will help you to focus and concentrate. The studying for the exams is only the path to a larger goal. It is not your goal. So discover your goal and getting onto the path will become easier and more enjoyable.
All the best.
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Dear Madam, 
I read your column regularly. I am a 2nd year PCMB student. I had become very lethargic and was out of track from studies till January. From February, I started working really hard as I had a lot of syllabus to complete. I had high expectations of myself. My first paper was Chemistry. I was quite well prepared for my exams. I do not have the tendency to forget answers during the exams. But this time, I forgot most of the answers and did not do my Chemistry paper well. I was very depressed. Due to this I became seriously ill and I could not do the other papers. My ambition is to do MBBS. Now I have wasted a year. I secured 92% in SSLC. I was the college topper in 1st PUC. Due to this incident my confidence level has gone down. My family members are very supportive and have asked me to wait patiently for a year and take up higher-level medical entrance exams like AIIMS. But I feel I wasted one year due to foolishness. Please help me
M S

Dear M S
Many of us make mistakes, and many of us fail at various things that we try to do. That is a reality. But whether we let that failure define us as a total failure, or we use that failure as an opportunity to learn from our mistakes, is our choice. You need to be able to put things in perspective. Yes, you may have lost a year. But in the totality of life, one year is but a small percentage. And if that year has taught you lessons in life, if on nothing else but on how to deal with failure, and how to view failure, then it may even be a year well spent.
So don’t worry about failures in your path. They are mere obstacles on your running track. You may trip over them, but you need to get up and run again, because life is not a sprint, but a marathon. Life is not about winning the race, but about running it well and finishing it. And in this marathon run, the fact that you have a supportive family that is not putting you down for your poor performance is a blessing you must not lose sight off. Be thankful for what you have, and just focus on the long haul. A small obstacle along the path should be viewed as just that – a small obstacle, not a giant boulder.Good luck!

Separate Anxiety and Aspirataion - Ask our counsellor Q&A Column

 [The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of February 20, 2014]
 

Dear Madam

I and my wife are worried about the academic performance of our 18 year daughter, who is in BCA 1st year. Though she has scored more than 82% marks in SSLC examination, she scored 50% marks in PUC and also attended the CET and scored less with a ranking of 89000 inspite of one year tuition for PCMC and for Engineering.
 
We were interested in sending her for engineering, but she does not like engineering because of mathematics and physics. She is interested in computer science and has opted for the BCA. She never reads the notes given by the college/tuition centre, but reads only the text books. She does not have the capacity to convert the questions to answer by reading the text books. We repeatedly tell her to study the notes given by the lecturers. She will never do that saying that lecturers are not giving proper notes and hence she is studying the texts. She was in CBSE syllabus upto 4th standard.

Since it was tough and the school shifted its CBSE section too far, we put her in State Syllabus and in 8th standard. Though she was reluctant for the changes, she finally accepted our wish. We feel these are the reasons, she is showing no interest in studies. Moreover, whenever we advise/scold for anything, she gets angry and she will not reply, but will show her anger in the face and go away from the place. She is dull in mathematics and physics. We are sure if she attempts and concentrates on her studies well, she will definitely get high marks. We find while studying, her concentration will be somewhere else. We have earlier taken her to a counsellor and took their advice also. She will never tell anyone the problems faced by her. She shows more interest in watching TV/playing with mobiles. Except in studies, in other activities, she helps her mother, understands the problems at home and will do whatever is needed.  She mingles with her friends and family members, who have a good opinion about her. Kindly help us in solving the problem.

A concerned parent
 
Dear concerned parent
You are correct in saying that she is probably not focusing on things you would like her to focus on because that is something you are pushing her towards, not something that she would want to do. It is very important to be able to separate our anxieties and our aspirations for our children, from those of our children, and let our children find and live their own dreams, rather than yours. It is important to be able to help them identify their dreams, rather than give them your dreams to fulfill.

I urge you to help her find her dreams. Maybe the best possible way to do this would be to get her some counselling support. Counselling will give her a safe, confidential and non-judgmental space to confront her fears and build her dreams.

­Dear Madam

I am an engineering student. Before I joined engineering I completed my diploma. Before that I lost 3 years in my PUC. When I failed in PUC 2nd I was still confident that I will clear PUC 2nd, but I failed again.  After losing 3 years I joined diploma and did well in diploma and my aggregate was 71%. After diploma I wrote the CET for lateral entry in engineering. I did well in my 3rd semester internals but in the exam I failed 2 papers. I couldn’t believe that. I had answered those papers well so I applied for revaluation & passed in one of the two papers. When I entered the 4th semester I lost my all confidence and I didn’t do well in the internals and exams. I failed again in the 4th semester. My total backlogs were 4, when I entered the 5th semester. I tried to gain my confidence & again I did well in internals and exams, but in my 4 backlogs I cleared 2 and failed in 2.In 6th semester I studied a lot more & did well in the 6th semester but in the backlogs I cleared one and failed one. That one backlog is my gate paper which I had written well. I applied for revaluation & challenge revaluation, but didn’t clear. Because of this gate paper I lost another one year and I am not eligible for my final year. My total years lost is 4 years. Now I am thinking of suicide. Such thoughts are coming in my mind. I am thinking I am a useless fellow. I think I don’t have a right to live, but at that time I think about my parents and avoid that feeling. Such feelings are coming to my mind often and I avoid them. Ma’am, most of the time, I still believe that God will do best with me in the future. But sometimes I don’t believe it. Please tell me what I have to do. I am passing the worst stage of my life.

Kaleem
 
Dear Kaleem
I understand that you feel you are going through the worst stage of your life and are feeling hopeless and dejected. And are also feeling suicidal thinking there is no meaning in your life. Many times when things get really tough our first instinct is to quit. But I acknowledge your courage in writing to me for help. I urge you to see a counsellor as soon as you can. I don't know where you are living so do not know if you will be able to find a counsellor easily. If not, please call some of the free helplines that are meant for people like you who may be temporarily struggling with the challenges life is throwing at them. One such helpline is the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline for which the number is 080-65333323. This is available for anyone who will take the trouble to call between 4 pm to 10 pm Monday to Friday. This is a free helpline in which a counsellor will help you work through whatever is troubling you at that time. If you feel helped you can call this helpline multiple times as well.

Meanwhile, I admire your confidence and courage to continue with full determination with your course, and having the confidence to get revaluations where necessary. You may have lost four years but I think you need to put everything in perspective. Four years in your whole life is not your whole life. You have many more years - maybe another 60 years at a minimum, and if you think of it in totality, then four years is not such a big amount. Once you get past this hump this will fade into insignificance. Secondly, you need to take stock and see what this experience has taught you. In every failure there is a lesson to be learnt. And if we learn the lesson, then the failure is not a waste.

Thirdly, failure is always only an event, it is never a person. So while you may have failed at some exams, it does not imply you have failed as a person. Success in life depends on a lot more than marks in exams. The marks just open some doors. After that they are pretty irrelevant because ultimately success in the workplace and in life will depend on your confidence, your self esteem, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your ability to think out of the box, your problem-solving skills, your communication skills, your ability to learn on the job, etc. So don't lose heart. Remember there is always light at the end of a tunnel, and just like all good things comes to an end, all bad things also eventually come to an end, though while we are going through them, it seems never-ending. And when things are really seeming tough call the helpline for some solace.­

Learn from failures - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following colum written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of September 5, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I completed my Class X in 2007 with 78%, and my 12th in 2011 with 49%. I had failed two times in 12th. I joined in an engineering college taking electronics and communication. Now I am in the second year. I had 78% of marks in the first year of the degree, but have failed in the second year now. I feel my life to be ruined and have lost confidence in myself. My parents too have lost confidence in me. I do not know what to do in life. I have lost three precious years of my life. If I complete my BE course too, I will not get a good job. I am very confused.
Kaushik

Dear Kaushik
I understand that you are struggling to complete your engineering degree and are losing confidence, not only in your ability to complete the course, but also to be able to get a job. You are worried that you have lost 3 years of life. Success lies in being able to bounce back from a low period. You can choose to say you have wasted three years of your life, and so there is no point, your whole life is a waste. Or you can choose to say that I have wasted three years, but that is only a mere 3-4% of my life. Let me see what I can learn from these failures so that I don’t waste the rest. If you are able to take away some valuable life lessons from this experience, it will not have been a wasted three years.
You need to be able to look at having a successful career, not just at getting the next job. A successful career does not depend on the marks in your exams, but on your other strengths, your confidence, your communication skills, your self esteem, your ability to work in a team, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your creativity, etc. So my suggestion is that first go ahead and identify your strengths (and I am sure you will have some, even though right now it may not seem like that). Think about what kind of career will help you leverage your strengths. Focus on developing some of those strengths. And, if in the process of this introspection, you discover that you would rather be following a different path, don’t be afraid of change. Three years is just that, three years. It is not a life time and you need to be able to put it in perspective. The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that it is your whole life, and  everything is lost.

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class XII and have taken up Science. When I was in Class X, I did not know what to opt for as a career, as I was not able to judge what I was good at. I am an average student. Therefore, I opted for science so that I can choose anything later. I wanted to pursue journalism as my career but was not sure. Today, I am sure that I want to be a journalist, but I have to join a reputed college. The problem is that I have lost the little interest I had in studies. The subjects I am studying now seem meaningless for me. They just don't interest me at all. I am not scoring well either. I get 60% or so. Now, my marks and my goal horrify me. I try a lot to study. It’s just not happening. Looking at my present, I get worried about my future. Please tell me what I should do!
Student

Dear student,
I understand your confusion, and your decision on choice of subjects. I think you did the right thing by choosing subjects that kept your options open since you did not know what career you wanted to pursue. Whether you pursue journalism or any other career, gaining a scientific understanding of the world always proves to be beneficial and can add value. My feeling is that now, since you have decided on journalism, you think what you are studying right now is a waste of time, and have, therefore, lost interest in it. That need not necessarily be true. Even if you become a journalist, you may not yet know what kind of journalist you want to become. Journalists also need a certain depth of understanding of the subjects they are going to write about. So journalism can be a career that is built as a layer on top of subject matter knowledge. Your degree in Science will go a long way in becoming a field of specialisation as a journalist for you, if taken seriously. A journalist, specialised in Science and Technology - That would be interesting, right?
You say you are an average student. That means you have given yourself a pre-decided label and will not give yourself the opportunity to break out of the ‘average’ mould. Think about what are your strengths. Break up your big goal of becoming a journalist into smaller steps, some of which you can address now itself. For instance, start writing on topics that may interest you. Try getting your writings published. Write your own blog, etc. This will help you to establish your credentials when you get to the point of launching yourself into journalism. It will also help you differentiate yourself. Don’t let your anxiety about your future, take away the joy from your present. Failure is never final unless you let it. You can always bounce back from failures, provided you learn from them and allow yourself to.
All the best

Define your failures - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 15, 2013]
 
Dear Madam,

I am pursuing engineering in computer science and engineering. I always wanted to become a software engineer. I was supposed to be in 6th semester now but got detained in 5 subjects. I have cleared 4 subjects and have 1 remaining subject which I'll clear. I was a very good student and I'm good, but after I got detained I'm loosing my confidence. I want to get a distinction in the remaining semester and get into some good companies. I want to ask you whether I will I get a good job after getting detained.

A student

Dear Student

You may have failed in a few exams but you are not a failure. Remember failure is always an event, not a person. Failure is a learning opportunity - an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and grow from that learning. Failure is not the end of the road. There is life after a failure. It is a mere bump or speed breaker, and once you cross it you can zip down the path of life again. So don’t let your failure define you. You define what the failure will mean to you.

If you are able to position the failure as something that gave you essential life lessons which you have learned, then no one will define you in terms of that failure. How you position your failure is your choice. It is up to you, and it is within your control.

Good luck

Dear Madam

I am a 25 year old mechanical engineer. I completed my engineering this year with lots of supplementary exams. I managed to clear all the subjects. Now my score is only 56%. I almost took 6 years to complete engineering. My friends say that I should take up a job and start working. I don’t think any company will take me with this score. I wanted to write the UPSC exam, but every one says I cannot do it. I really want to show them I can. I am ready to study day and night leaving aside all sorts of materialistic life. Please guide me whether my decision is right or wrong. My 10th score is 69% and PUC 2nd yr is only 45%. If there are any exams which can tell me what I’m really good at please tell me.

A student

Dear student,

You could meet with a career counselor who would help you arrive at career options and paths that would match your interests and aptitude. However, I am sure you can achieve anything that you set your mind to. However do it for the right reasons. If you want to appear for the UPSC examination, by all means go ahead. The fact that you have struggled with exams in the past is no guarantee that you will struggle in the future as well. The subjects for UPSC exams will be different from those of your engineering. But do the exam because you want to do it, not because you want to prove yourself to everyone else who said you can’t do it. The only person you need to prove yourself to is yourself. So if you want to take the exam, go ahead and give it your best shot.

As for having no ambition left, visualize your life when you have a goal that you are working towards. And, then visualize one in which you are aimless, goal-less and passion-less. The difference will be so stark that making your choice will not be difficult.

Remember, your life is in your control. You can choose to be its master and make it work for you; or you can choose to be its slave and let it drag you along wherever it wants.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a student of Class X and shall be completing the same this year. I hope to secure above 90% of marks as I have done well in the previous years. I want to study arts in future, not because I do not like Science but because I like Social studies. Many people say that there is no scope for arts now. But I want to pursue a career in law. Moreover, I learn both music and dance. I am learning Sanskrit too. I have got 96% in my exams. I am confused, since my parents do not want me to do law. Please help me. 

Mahima Harish

Dear Mahima

You seem to be in a secure place with respect to your marks and seem to have the privilege of having many options open to you because of that. I am glad you are choosing subjects based on what you like, and your interests. You can make a career in whichever field you want the difference between being good at it and being great at it, however, will depend on the passion you bring to the field. That’s why doing what you like is important. Try and understand why your parents don’t want you to do law, and why you do want to do it. It will be helpful to talk to them and understand their reservations, and your own motivations. Arrive at a decision after you have gained this understanding. They may have reasons you cannot understand at this age, and you may have a passion they were not aware of. Communication is the key. And, if after this, there is still a difference of opinion, I feel it is important to do what your heart lies in.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a student of 2nd PU (Science) studying in a reputed college. In the 1st year, I was good at studies. But after entering 2nd year I am loosing my concentration from the studies. As this is an important year of my life I want to do something but its just not happening. Please guide me in doing well for 2nd PU also.
Radhika N

Dear Radhika

You did not tell me anything about what is happening to you, and in your life, because of which you are losing concentration. We most often lose confidence because we are tensed or stressed, or because we are distracted by something else that is more interesting and occupying our mind. What do you think about when you are trying to study? What is occupying your mind? Is it worry and anxiety about doing well, or some other life event; or is it someone, or something, that is keeping you busy. Are you scared of failure, and are you thinking that this is the final chance in your life to prove yourself and therefore you are feeling stressed about this being the defining year of your life? Unless you tell me what  it is I won’t be able to help you deal with it. Maybe you should think about it yourself and then talk about it to someone who can help you.
You could read more about dealing with issues like this on my blog at personalorbitchange.blogspot.com . Maybe you will find your answer there.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Class IX in a CBSE school. The reason I am writing this is because I can’t zero in on what I should pursue next. I am inclined towards engineering, literature and also law. I am very keen to go abroad on a scholarship basis. But I cannot decide which  course to take next. My parents are slightly pressurising me or in other words: my dad expects too much from me. Please help me.

A student

Dear Student

I think you should probably go in for some career counselling to help you match your interests and abilities with current opportunities available. It is important to choose a career which helps you achieve your potential and which you enjoy and are passionate about.

As for your parents’ expectations of you, all parents have expectations of their children. However, it is your responsibility to communicate to them how much is too much. Parents always want their children to achieve their potential. They feel that unless they communicate this, their children will slacken. If you are feeling pressured then you need to communicate this to them so that they can understand the effect it is having on you. Remember, your parents are on your side, cheering you on. They are not on the opposite side of the fence. You are not in this alone. They are there to help you. But receiving that help and encouragement is up to you.

All the best

Don't belittle any profession - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 2, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a BSc graduate from a good college with a percentage of 53. I completed my BEd in 2012 and scored 80%. I had backlogs in each semester of my degree. I am interested in doing regular MSc Physics, but am scared of failing. My father has suggested that I do a correspondence course of MSc and my mother is telling me to do regular MSc. I was a good student in school. I don't know why I have become so poor in studies after my 10 Std. I have lost confidence in myself. I want to move further. Help me.

Ayesha Amreen.

Dear Ayesha,

You say you have lost confidence in yourself and are scared of failing. I have written extensively about the fear of failure in this column before and I would like to direct you to my article on the subject in my blog. You can find it at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
You must name your worst fear about failure. What is the worst thing that will happen if you fail? Often when you answer that question honestly, you will realize that the thing you are most scared about, may be something that need not be that scary. It may be something that, even if it happened, you could survive and have a very meaningful life. Failure is just an event - an event that helps you learn several lessons. It does not have to be regarded as final, or fatal, but just as another learning opportunity. Failure is not YOU.

If you would like to do the regular MSc course, you must go ahead and do it. Don’t settle for correspondence because you believe you cannot do the regular degree. Do correspondence only if you have some better utilization of your time at the moment, and still want to go ahead with studying. Remember, you can and will be able to achieve anything that you set your mind to.

All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am 25 years old and have completed my PG in Social Work in 2011. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for  me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.

Jerry Varghese

Dear Jerry,

I think you need to gain clarity for yourself on what you would like to do, and what you believe are your strengths and weaknesses. Choose a career that will leverage your strengths and won’t let your weaknesses come in your way. You may need the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult, who will help you in this exercise. The greatest disservice you can do to yourself is lose confidence. Confidence is the fuel that takes you to your destination. So get clarity on your strengths, help that identify a goal or destination, break that goal into smaller achievable milestones (or stepping stones) and then just stay focussed on your path and go after it. It is not your degree that will get you success (or failure) as much as your attitude, your confidence, your self-esteem, your ability to learn and your creativity.

All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am studying Computer Science  (8th semester) in Bangalore Institute of Technology. I am writing this letter to you because I am concerned about my future. I got placed in TCS which, of course, is a great thing that has happened to me by God's grace. But I am not too excited about it. I could have been better given my college's reputation.

My parents are very concerned about my future and are suggesting that I take up further studies like MTech or MBA, but not M. Whereas my brother, who is a software engineer, is asking me to take up a job, but not in TCS. I am completely confused about my future. As a result, I am not able to concentrate on my academics right now.

So through this mail, I am requesting you to suggest the correct path for my future, and I am open to any suggestions you make.

PS: I love cooking and am deeply interested in hotel management but I know it’s quite stupid.
Dear Student,

As I have said in this column many times before, I am not someone who can guide you on what course of study you should pursue, or what company you should take up a job in.

From your letter I got an understanding of what your parents want for you, and what your brother wants for you. However, I did not hear you say what you wanted for yourself! It is good to take everyone’s inputs but ultimately it must be your choice. And it must be a choice made based on rational thoughts about your future. So while evaluating your choices, identify your strengths and weaknesses, and analyze your opportunities and threats. In short, do a SWOT analysis and see where it leads you. Remember, whatever path you choose must play to your strengths, and must fit in line with goals that you have set for yourself. Work backwards and ask yourself what kind of job you’d like, what path would take you there, and therefore, what steps do you need to take now to set off on that path. Life is not a train journey on which you are trying to run errands for your parents and your brother, and other important people in your life. Life is a train journey on which you are trying to get to a destination of your choice. So pick your destination. And regarding cooking or hotel management, there is no such thing as a “stupid” career. Do not belittle any profession! Pick what you are really passionate about. Everyone else’s satisfaction and happiness will follow.

Dear Madam,

I am a student of class 12 and I want to be a doctor. But the problem is I don't want to be just a doctor, I want to be a great doctor! I want to help poor people in all the ways I can.

For that I know I have to study and score well in both my Board and NEET.

I want to do my medical course in a well equipped, modernized university which is out of the country. Can you please suggest some universities where I can apply and how to apply.

I am a bright student but when I sit to study I often loose my concentration. I want to achieve something in life. I just don’t want to waste it. My parents have huge dreams for me. I want to live up to those. I want to do it. However, I am also a very careless person. I take everything for granted. Even my studies.

I want you to please help me in my concentration, and help me achieve my dream!
I want to also add that I sometimes get really scared that, what if my dreams just remain a dream. I also want you to help me to get off my negative mind. I want you to help me and motivate me towards my goal!

Rashmitha Devraj
Dear Rashmitha,

I love your passion and your desire to excel. It is great that you want to make a difference with the kind of work you do, rather than stick to mediocrity. However, for that to happen, it is not necessary that you study abroad. Also, I am not the best person to guide you either on which universities are good, or on how you should go about it.

What I would like to say though is this - don’t get overly stressed by the results. Ensure you maximize your learning. Because, eventually, to become a great doctor, your learning, not your marks are going to make the difference. Sometimes we feel so pressured by the need to get marks, and so fearful of not getting the maximum marks, that we are unable to concentrate and focus on the learning.

How you define your success and failure is your choice. Don’t let anyone else define it for you. No one can help you achieve your dream other than yourself. But you must ensure, that it is your dreams you are chasing, and not that of your parents. Also, remember that dreams are your own creation, and are not constant or static. They change and evolve as you go along life’s journeys. And just like you create them, you can also alter them. So it is not that if you don’t achieve what you dream of right now, you would have failed at achieving your dreams. Your dreams itself may change. Looking into the future is something we do to guide us along our journey; not something to make us so fearful that we are not able to function.

Also, remember, that if they are your dreams, then you are not answerable to anyone for not achieving them. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, other than yourself.

All the best.

Marks can only open certain doors - Ask your Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of April 11, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am in 3rd year Electronics & Communications Engineering, VTU. I had scored 87% in my 10th Boards, and 73% in 2nd PUC. My Engineering marks are as follows: 64.516%, 73.161%, 58.555%, 60 % and 5th semester 57%. I know these marks are too low because my friends score much more than me. I don't have a particular reason for scoring low marks. I don't know why this is happening. It is not that I don't study. I study and score above 20 in my internals in each subject but in my theory I always get much less than my expectation.

It’s the other way round amongst my friends. They score in theory papers. Every time the results come out I am broken. My aggregate has now come up to 62%. I am very tense about my future.

The competition is too high. If I want to get placed in a good company I have to make my aggregate about 70%. I want to score well in the rest of my semesters but I don't know how. I need some guidance about how to tackle the exam and tips to increase my concentration because I cannot concentrate for more than 15 minutes in class. I would be grateful if you help me out.

Riya S

Dear Riya

It appears to me that you are very tense about your marks, and the fear that you will not get the marks is not allowing you to focus, concentrate or score well. I want you to be able to understand your fear. What is the worst possible thing that you fear will happen if you do not get the necessary marks? Answer this question honestly, and try to understand the scenario if your worst fear comes true.

Often this exercise will show you that even if your worst fear comes true, life will still be manageable and there will still be a path forward in the future. That will reduce your fear. Also, remember, that marks are not the only thing that will guarantee your success in the future. Yes, they may open some doors for you, but if one door does not open, some other will - you may just need to look for it a little harder.

Ultimately in the workplace, your life skills will matter more than your college marks. Your confidence, your communication ability, your creativity and problem solving skills, your ability to work in a team or lead a team, your ability to learn on the job and deal with changes - these are all skills that will differentiate you from your peers.

So while marks may open some doors, they are not the key to your success in life. So don’t attach the kind of power to them that you are. They are not there to control your future. They are just there as a tool in your control to open some doors for the future that you carve out for yourself.

Reduce your fear and anxiety - that may help you concentrate more.

Dear Ma’am

I am a student of class 10. I have been a topper in my class since childhood. I am a very honest and sincere student. I never copy even if the answer paper is given to me! But these days I am growing jealous of my peers who score more than me by such unfair means, and I feel nobody has real talent, but they just keep getting marks without any actual knowledge. When I sit to study, sometimes this thought comes to my mind and I get irritated and lose my interest in studying. This has posed a great challenge to me and I am not able to come out of it. I want to stop this habit of "jealousy" and study with a cool mind.

Please help me.
Student

Dear Student

Remember, that the others may get the marks by cheating, but they can never get the learning and the knowledge. That can only come through diligent hard work and focussed effort. In the end, in life and in the workplace, it is the learning that is eventually going to matter more than the marks. The marks may open some doors, but they cannot guarantee success.

Success in life will depend on several other factors like your intelligence, your creativity, your self-image, your confidence, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your ability to problem solve and think out of the box, to mention just a few. Nothing of these skills can be gained by cheating in an exam! So don’t worry about what the others are doing. Stay focussed on what you need to do, because that is the only way to ‘learn’.

All the best.

Dear Ma’am

I’m 18 years old. I am an average student. I have a backlog in Maths in the 12th Std from last year. This year I got tuition for Maths and now I’m good at it. I was doing well in my school, I don’t know how I failed last year. I am very interested in doing Engineering now. My parents also want me to become an engineer. Am I eligible for engineering? Which branch should I prefer in Engineering? Is there future scope for Civil Engineering? Please suggest me some ideas. Or could BSc be an option? My parents have lost hope in me, and I want their hope back. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I’m very stressed. Please give me some advice.
 
Nida Fareen

Dear Nida

I am not in a position to advise you either on how to go about your admission in Engineering now, or on which branch of Engineering will be good for you. But I made some observations from your letter.

Firstly, do not label yourself as an ‘average’ student. Your level of performance may have been ‘average’ till now, but that does not mean it will always be so, or that you cannot change that with effort on your part. My fear is that by labelling yourself as ‘average’ you sub-consciously keep fulfilling that label and not put in your best effort. Just the way, extra effort in maths helped you do better, the same way, extra effort in any field will pay-off rich dividends.

Secondly, the fact that you failed in one exam last year does not mean that you failed as a person. You may have failed at an exam, but that does not mean that you are a failure, and you must not view yourself as one. Everyone encounters failures in life, and the earlier you face them, and learn to deal with them successfully, the better off you are. So you must not view the fact that you failed in one exam as having hit a dead-end, but simply as having tripped along the way, and as now being ready to go again.

Thirdly, do Engineering only if you want to. Not because that is what your parents want you to do. And, that is the only way you can reestablish their trust and hope in you. Ultimately your parents will be happy if you are happy, doing well and being successful in something you enjoy. Even if someone loses hope in you, never make the mistake of losing hope in yourself, because there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and each one of us is immensely more capable than we think we are (though the capability may not be always obvious to us).

I hope this helps. As for which branch of Engineering you should do, please ask someone more knowledgeable about the subject. Talk to engineering professors about the various options.

All the best.

Do what you do because you want to do it - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of March 21, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am currently in the 8th semester of my engineering, studying under VTU. I attended two companies in placement, but did not get selected. I am very depressed about it. I am not interested in pursuing M Tech also. I have an aggregate of 76%. I am interested in civil services and I have a dream of becoming an IAS officer. It was my dream since childhood. Can an engineering student like me pursue IAS? Do I have to take coaching classes? I work very hard and I have commitment towards studies. I want to achieve something in my life. Please guide me in achieving my dream.

Dear Student,

I understand that you are depressed because you have not got a job during the campus placement season, even though you attended 2 interviews.

There is no reason to be disheartened. Look at those interviews as learning opportunities, and try to analyze and understand for yourself what went wrong.

Why do you feel you did not get the job? If you do this after every event that you perceive as a failure, the failures will transform into learning opportunities and stepping stones towards your future goals.

Remember, there may be many such failures along the way, but they don’t mean that you are a failure. All they mean is that you failed in that attempt. You need to learn from your mistakes and move on.

I am not aware of the best way that you can prepare for the IAS entrance exam. Someone who has either done that exam or is involved in the process in any way will probably be in a better position to guide you on that. I understand that you have a dream of achieving something in life.

I think you need to take some time to define what that ‘something’ is because only then can you take some steps towards achieving it. So, what is your dream?

All the best!

Dear Madam,

I completed SSLC in 2006. After that I did a Diploma in Electronics and Electrical Engineering, but I never completed the course, nor am I able to study, I don’t know what future I have. I would like you to guide me for a better life ahead. I’m struggling in every field I enter as a professional. Please help me out. 

Rakesh Manipal

Dear Rakesh

I understand that you are feeling disheartened and are anxious about your future. I am not sure of what you mean when you say that you are not able to study.

Do you not have the interest, or the time, or the financial resources, or the opportunity. It would be good for you to understand why you are not able to study.

Often what we perceive to be an external reason for us not to do something, actually ends up being an internal reason over which we have complete control and can change if we want.

I would need to understand a little more about what you mean when you say you are struggling in every field you enter as a professional.

You should also analyze what happened in every case and what were your specific struggles. This may help you arrive at a list of areas that you may feel more comfortable in, temperamentally, and a list of areas that you feel you may just not fit in. After all, success in the work place does not only depend on your degrees.

Many of the most successful people in the world do not have ‘degrees’ to support them. Of more importance in the workplace, eventually, is your self-confidence, your ability to learn, your ability to problem-solve, your ability to work in a team and lead a team; your communication skills, etc.

So find your strengths, and find a field of work which will allow you to build on your strengths.

All the best

Dear Madam, 

I’m studying M Sc (Physics). I am losing my interest in studies because I am afraid of not getting a job in this field. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying. And also please give some information about what I can do after this. 

Meghashree 

Dear Meghashree,

You say your parents have a lot of hopes for you. What about your hopes for yourself? Do you want to study only because your parents hope you will study, or do you want to study because you see that as a way of growing and doing something.

If your parents did not have expectations from you, what would you do with your life? Ultimately your life is your own, and you need to take charge of it, and do what you want to do, because you want to do it, not because your parents expect you to do it.

Ultimately the person who will benefit the most from your studies is you, not your parents. So you need to shift your motivation to study from the external reason (i.e. your parents) to an internal reason (i.e. you).

Spend some time understanding what you would like to do, what will give you happiness, what are your strengths and what kind of a career will play to your strengths.

I am not in a position to guide you about your future study plans. All I can say is, you need to do what you want to do, and you need to do it for yourself.

Focus on your strengths - Ask our counsellor Q & A column

The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 27, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I have completed my M.Sc (CS) with an aggregate of 73 per cent and I’ve been looking for a job for the past six months. As I have a very low score in my 10th and 12th I have less opportunity.
I feel very depressed to hear that all my other classmates got placed — even those with lower marks than me. I really don’t understand what’s lacking in me. The few companies in which I have cleared rounds, didn’t call me back for further rounds. I have lost faith in myself. My sister wants me to study abroad. But I am not sure if I should go abroad, as I’ve not even been able to do well here. The sad part is that I am very bad at programming, but I feel that if I have to study, I must take up computers. The problem with me is I don’t know what I’m good at. I want to work like everybody else, and my family feels that I’m not dull and have good grasping powers. But I don’t have confidence at all. I feel like trying out everything, but due to some failures I find it difficult to pursue anything further. Please help.
 
Sushma

Dear Sushma

I am glad you took the time to write to me. There are several things about your letter which make me hopeful, even though you say you have lost hope. Firstly, you seem to have a family that believes in you and is willing to stand by you, even though you don’t believe in yourself. You should not underestimate the value of a supportive family, and neither should you take it for granted.

It is not something everyone has, and you should feel thankful for it. To me this also means that you have strengths and capabilities that others can see in you but that you are not allowing yourself to see.

I would like you to take a few minutes and write down what you believe your strengths are. You may find this hard to do at first, given your current belief that there is nothing good about you. If you are unable to make progress with this on your own, try taking the help of someone you can trust in your family or extended support system. Being mindful of our strengths gives us the courage to draw on them when we are in challenging situations.

There are a couple of fallacies in your belief system that I seem to pick on. Firstly, that marks equal success. Marks may just open a few doors for you into the work place but will not guarantee success. Success in the workplace depends more on your self esteem than your marks — it depends on your confidence, your belief in yourself, your communication skills, your ability to work in a team, your leadership skills, your ability to think creatively and out-of-the-box, your ability to problem-solve, etc.

The reason you may not be getting to the next stage in your interviews may not be because of your marks, but because of your low self esteem which you may be communicating in other non-verbal ways. Read more about this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

The second fallacy I see is your giving up in the face of failure. Failure is a part of the road to success, and is merely a stumbling block on the way. You cannot allow it to become an obstacle that blocks the whole path.

What you make of your failure is your choice. Do you choose to learn from it, or do you allow it to define you as a success or failure. Read more about this at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html .
The only thing that may be really lacking in you is your belief in yourself and your capabilities. And that’s easy to fix because it is entirely within your control. And, if you need help with it, take the help of a counselor or trusted family member, to do it. All the best

Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of Aug 9, 2012]

Dear Madam,

No matter how hard I try, I always only manage to score about 60 per cent. My parents are always upset that I don’t get the best marks. They turn very angry after the results are announced. I get very depressed at such times, and it is very hard for me to forgive myself for scoring low. This happens every year. I don’t want to hurt my parents and don’t want them to be ashamed of me. But, I haven’t been able to fulfill any of their and my academic goals. I've started to lose faith in myself and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to score high marks.

I don’t have any true friends. Everyone hates me and talks things behind my back. They talk to me only when they need something. Everybody keeps avoiding me and don’t let me mingle in a group for any sort of activity. My presence has no meaning to anybody. I have tried very hard making friends but have been unsuccessful. Others seem to have a good time making fun of me. I am always alone at home during holidays/weekends. Things were not like this in school when I did not mind being lonely. But now I can’t tolerate it. I have become a common enemy. I haven’t caused any harm to anyone and I don’t know why people hate me. I feel very low and very stupid for scoring low and having no friends. Now I don’t feel anything at all and I don’t want to attend college.

All these years, I have not been able to prove myself to be more intelligent or beautiful or popular than the others. I’m afraid that in the future, I won’t be able to make any friends or relationships and will end up a loner. I don’t think I will be able to outshine others in any activity. I’m ashamed of facing my parents. I’ve lost all interest in life. I don’t have the strength to bear all this anymore and I feel like running away. What should I do to be a normal person? Waiting to hear from you
XYZ

Dear Student,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me in detail about all that is troubling you. There are many feelings that I pick up from your letter and I would like to address each one of these. However, I will not be able to do too much justice to each of one them here and earnestly urge you to see a counsellor who will help you work through your feelings.
Now, coming to your feeling of despair. First, I get a sense that because you feel you are hitting a bottom right now, you are not a ‘normal’ person. Let me reassure you that your feelings are ‘normal’ and many people feel this way at various stages in their life.

Second, you feel lonely and believe that no one likes you. Everyone around you seems to hate you, in your perception. You feel left out and alone. You feel everyone takes advantage of you and then moves on. You say nobody likes you. My question to you is this — do you like yourself? If you like yourself, then it does not matter if anyone else likes you or not. By the nature of your interactions with others, they will be forced to like you. If you don’t believe in yourself, and don’t think there is anything likable about you, then you start also believing that nobody else likes you. The only thing that matters is what you think about yourself. Maybe you should start by doing an exercise for yourself where you identify and write down your strengths.

You also don’t want to hurt your parents, and you feel pressured to perform up to their expectations. You feel that unless you get the marks, you are worthless, not only to them, but also to yourself. Somehow you seem to be taking on the responsibility of your parents’ feelings. Your parents are adults and will learn to deal with their own feelings. You need to be responsible for your own feelings, and believe in yourself. Even if you don’t get the marks, it does not mean that there is nothing in you to love or be proud of. Discover your strengths and feel good about them. That will give you the confidence to face the world. If you feel that you are only worthy to your parents if you get the marks, then you need to start believing in yourself and your worth. Not everyone gets the marks. But that does not mean that those people are not worthy or capable of success. Marks only open a few doors for you. What you make of your life after that is entirely dependent on your other qualities of communication, confidence, cooperation, creativity, leadership, etc. Your marks will not hold relevance then. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person.

You can’t run away from life, and neither can you control what others say about you, or how they treat you. The only thing you can control is what you believe about yourself and your worth. And believe me, if you change that for the positive, a lot of the other things will fall in place.

Know Emotional Abuse

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald Living supplement on November 26, 2011]
 
Self-esteem must allow for self-expression, not self -justification, says Maullika Sharma

The self-esteem of our children is something we parents pay the least attention to. We worry about their food, clothes, discipline,  health, marks, extracurricular accomplishments, and the lack of them. But how many of us worry about our child’s self-esteem?

Low self-esteem in children can lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, under achievement, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of happiness, substance abuse and aggression. It influences a child’s ability to learn, grow, be creative, relate to others, make smart choices in life, and achieve goals. Self-esteem is thus the most important determinant of a person’s mental health and the most important thing a parent can focus on.

So what is self-esteem? It’s our confidence in our ability to handle life successfully, to think and understand the world, to make accurate judgments, decisions and choices. It does not mean a lack of self-doubt; what it means is that if you make a mistake, you’re confident enough to bounce back.

Another component of self-esteem is self-respect — that you judge yourself worthy of living and reaping the rewards of your efforts. It’s in knowing that you’re a good person, deserving of happiness and success. Lack of self-respect impedes an individual’s ability to be happy. It means that you may not aim to achieve anything much, because you don’t think you deserve it. It means the person will not stand up for himself and assert his needs and boundaries.

Self-esteem is the way we think and feel about ourselves. It’s the feeling that, “I’m important”, “I’m worthy”, “My needs are important” and “I’m good enough and accept myself, with all my strengths and weaknesses”.  How we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we achieve, with whom we fall in love, how we interact with our spouse, children or friends.  

How is self-esteem shaped?
It’s shaped by messages (verbal and non-verbal) we receive from significant adults early on in life; by messages we receive based on cultural traditions; and, by our own ideas, beliefs, and values. As a child, if you’ve been told by your parents that you aren’t good enough, you step into the workplace, marriage, and other relationships, believing that you’re not good enough. You spend your time trying to prove yourself, to yourself and to others. If your aim is to prove that you’re ‘enough’, the battle is lost the day you concede the issue is debatable. Your motive must not be to prove yourself, but to live out your possibilities. Your motive must be self-expression, not self-justification.

Low self-esteem has many faces. We only think of physical or sexual abuse that evoke traumatic feelings of powerlessness. But, often we make our children feel that they can’t do anything right; that they don’t count; that they are alone; that they are terrible; that they are unlovable; that they are a failure; that they are hopeless; and, that they hate themselves. If your child ends up feeling like this, then, it is a case of emotional abuse.
And this is a scary thought since all of us are probably guilty of this, without even realising it.

How to nurture self-esteem
Children need to make sense of their experiences. Within a family, this means adults who walk the talk; say what they mean, and mean what they say. It means rules that are consistent, understandable and fair. It means parents who are emotionally stable and who acknowledge their mistakes. A child’s repeated experience of terror at the hands of adults can have lasting, harmful consequences.  The greater a child’s fear and the earlier it’s experienced, the harder it is to build a healthy sense of self.

An effective parent can convey anger and disappointment without withdrawing love. As a parent, do you demand perfection and focus only on the outcome, or do you acknowledge the effort? If love is linked to performance, the child understands “I am not enough as I am” and no self-esteem can be built on a foundation of not being enough. Unconditional love is the cornerstone of self-esteem.

Acceptance of one’s thoughts and feelings is conveyed not by agreement, or chastising, lecturing, and insulting, but by listening and acknowledging. Be careful of what you say to your children, and how you say it. When parents convey love, appreciation, empathy, acceptance and respect, they make a child feel visible.

The ultimate objective is to make a child independent. We must teach children to identify and set goals, and assist them in achieving them — not by doing the work, but by providing the coaching needed. Our praise must be genuine. Criticism must be directed at the child’s behaviour, not at the child. No good is ever achieved by assaulting a child’s self-esteem. If we can rebuke without demeaning a child’s dignity, and can respect a child’s self-esteem even when angry, we’ve achieved the most challenging task of parenting.

Making mistakes is integral to learning. How we respond to mistakes, ours or our children’s, is critical. We don’t need to pretend that we’re perfect. We just need to be accepting of ourselves with all our strengths and weaknesses, and be accepting of them with all their strengths and weaknesses. Teaching your child to handle stress is also important. This is a direct spin-off of how we handle stress. Do we welcome change, or do we fear it; do we feel in control, or do we become helpless; do we find solutions or are we stuck at defining the problem; do we tackle tough decisions, or do we put them off?

It’s time for us, adults, to think about the impact we’re having on the self-image of the children in our care. Over 75 per cent of Indian children who come for counselling, struggle with self-esteem. It leaves me wondering how we could go so horribly wrong with our parenting. How could we, who value our children the most, not teach them to value themselves?