Don't let others decide your worth - Ask your counsellof Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on January 21, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in class 10 (CBSE) in a residential school. I have lost all my hopes to achieve what I want in academics. When I was in the junior classes, I was the topper of my class every time. After class 8, my academic performance went weak.

Now I have scored 86 % in the first semester examination. Sometimes I feel it is because of the heavy syllabus. But I have no difficulty in understanding the subject. Everyone who is average, is performing well. I have an exam fear.

I can’t tolerate the tension when I see the question paper in the exams. I put in all my efforts. But I am not getting the results. Please suggest me ways to overcome my exam fever and to gain confidence.A student
Dear student,

The fact that you are facing exam anxiety is not unique to you. Many, many students face anxiety before their exams – especially major exams like the one you are going to take. If your school has a counsellor, I suggest you reach out  for help. Sometimes, a trusted teacher may also play that role effectively. Counselling will help you understand your fears and anxieties and how to face them.

Alternatively, you could reach out to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323, which is  free of cost. You will be able to reach a counsellor on the phone who will be able to help you. I have written a lot about exam fear in this column, and all my previous writings can be found on my blog Personalorbitchange.blogspot.in

You could go through the earlier columns and I am sure many of your questions and fears will get answered there. I want to particularly draw you to two articles I have written on this topic which I think will be helpful for you: Why exams are nothing to fear about? (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and Demystifying exam anxiety ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html ).

Dear Madam,

I am in class 10. My board exams are in another few weeks. But, I am not able to concentrate on studies because all my classmates complained about me to my teacher. Now, everyone thinks that I am a bad person. I feel I am being isolated. Please help me out.

Akshara Rao
Dear Akshara,
Just because someone said something about you does not mean that becomes the truth. Also, why are you giving others so much power that they decide whether you are a good person or a bad person? No one is a ‘bad’ person — you may have done something ‘bad’ but that does not mean you are bad in totality. And what gives the others the power to decide whether you are good or bad.

That is something you need to believe and decide about yourself. If you believe you are a bad person, then that is what others start reflecting around you. So believe in yourself. Know your strengths and capabilities and know that everyone has some weaknesses. But most importantly, don’t allow others to pass a decisive judgment on you. They only have that power if you give it to them.

If your classmates complained about you to your teacher, that does not mean that you are not a ‘good’ person and that no one should interact with you. But if you start believing that about yourself then others start thinking that way too.All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a 17-year-old student. I just graduated class 12. I wanted to study medicine, but did not get a suitable rank. But I was so determined to get into medical at that time, that my parents allowed me take a year off for the preparations of competitive exams. Now I don’t know why but I’m not able to concentrate or control my mind. I seem to be getting distracted a lot while studying.

Exams are nearing and I am getting tense about the results. I did not join any coaching institute as my parents told me self-preparation is the best way. I thought it won’t be that difficult since I had already gone through the syllabus once. But now, I am facing difficulties. I don’t know what to do. I am starting to doubt my own abilities. I still want to study medicine, but I am starting to feel that I won’t get a good rank this year too. Please help me.Vasudha
Dear Vasudha

You need to believe in yourself. Maybe you are not being able to concentrate because of anxiety around the exams. Because you took a year off to prepare, you may be feeling under pressure to do well. Remember that this entrance exam is not an end in itself. It is just a means to an end. And if you don’t do well in this exam, it does not mean that you are a total failure.

All it means is that you may need to look for some other doors that may open for you, some other opportunities that may come your way. It is good to pursue your dream and give it your best shot. But if you are not able to achieve it, it does not mean that all is lost. As for needing help, there is still time and you may still be able to get some help.

You could get some help with a one-to-one tutor who could just work with your doubts and that may help give you some confidence. Meanwhile, you may also want to read this article on exam anxiety which may be of help http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. All the best.

Your world just fell apart - your child received a diagnosis of mental illness

[The following article was first published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/your-world-just-fell-apartyour-child-received-a-diagnosis-of-mental-illness/ ]

It is definitely easier to deal with the diagnosis of an illness in yourself, your partner, your parents or your siblings. But dealing with the diagnosis of an illness or disability in your child is a completely different ball game. And when it is a mental illness it seems to take on a whole different dimension. There seems to be an added layer of complexity which need not necessarily be so. I am going to make an attempt here to understand this phenomenon a little better.

So, what happens when you first hear that your child has a mental illness? I can imagine you get flooded with a wave of emotions—fear and anxiety, shame and embarrassment, confusion and bewilderment, disbelief and pain. Dread, dread of what lies ahead, dread of what the world will say—to you, about you, to your child, about your child. A sinking feeling. Why me? Why my child? And guilt. How did I forget guilt? Guilt for having done something wrong as a parent; guilt for having the wrong genes; guilt for being at fault; guilt for not creating the right environment; and guilt for putting your child through this.

Phew! That’s a lot of emotions! And most of us never stop to recognize that they even exist, let alone remember to take out time to deal with them.

We are caught up with denial on the one hand, and with the cloud of worry that seems to have shrouded our future aspirations for our child, on the other. Will my child become independent and be able to achieve his or her potential? What kind of a life will my child have? What would it mean for my future as a parent? As an individual? As a spouse? Often, the marital relationship takes a huge toll, as the couple, so over-wrought with guilt on being the carrier of the ‘defective’ gene, indulges in the blame game. And hard as it may be to believe, given the futility of this game, this happens even amongst the most educated and enlightened ones!

Denial prevents us from facing the situation head on. What we need to do is to understand the diagnosis, get a second opinion, confirm it, and figure out the best way forward. We need to read, read and read some more, on how to understand the situation for ourselves, how to deal with it, and how to explain it to our child. Also, how to explain it to others in the family or support network who may need to know how best to support the child; how to explain it to the world at large.

While all this is going on, it is important to keep our sight firmly planted on the backdrop that says, “This is no one’s fault—not yours, not your child’s. Acceptance is the only path forward!” To use the now famous metaphor—most children are like dandelions that are able to take root and survive anywhere. But your child is like an orchid—fragile but beautiful, and capable of blooming spectacularly if given the special care needed by an orchid. The right parenting and right environment can help ‘orchid’ children grow into creative, successful and lovable members of society.

So what does this mean? How do you create the right environment to nurture the orchids?

• Acceptance is key—accept the child; accept the diagnosis; and, make sure the child understands it is not their fault.
• Acknowledge the child’s feelings, non-judgmentally. Children tend to hold themselves together in school and in front of others; they need the space, freedom, and permission to let their guard down and collapse at home, if they have to. This does not mean that they are ‘acting up’ at home, or that they are playing ‘victim’. Be sensitive to their privacy needs, as well.
• Listen actively
• Love unconditionally
• Keep the lines of communication open. Talk to children about things other than academics such as feelings, ideas, moral dilemmas, and maybe even failure.
• Praise generously, immediately and publicly, even for small accomplishments, but reprimand, if you must, gently and privately; positive feedback is always more powerful than negative feedback.
• Focus on discovering your child’s strengths and talking about them often, knowing that each child is unique and has its strengths.
• Support the child socially, since they may struggle in building relationships—it does not help to let them sink or swim on their own in the sea of peer relationships. They need a life-vest and that ought to be you!
• And, most importantly, get the right professional help not only for your child, but also for yourself.

Yes, for yourself, because to be able to do all of this for your child, it is imperative that you accept and befriend your own emotions. Take care of yourself and remember to recharge your own batteries. You need to bear in mind that none of this is a reflection of your own failure as a parent, as a spouse, or even as a human being. You need to spare yourself the unnecessary, unproductive and emotional turmoil that may be brewing within you. Everyone has problems in life, and you need to consciously remember that. Everyone is fighting some private battle at some point in their life, so in that you are not alone. You need to stop catastrophizing outcomes and learn to live in the moment, knowing that you cannot control the future no matter how hard you try. In addition to everything else, you also may need to focus on helping other children in the house cope, and keep the marriage intact, if possible. All this without professional help for yourself may be a tall order!