Decisions must be yours - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on December 31, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I come from a remote area and humble background, where I struggled to get a single meal after I lost my father and brother during my primary school. Later, life become very hard and I struggled a lot. With great difficulty, I have completed my graduation and post-graduation in regional languages (working and studying) and was struggling to speak in English.

I somehow came to Bangalore and joined a BPO and slowly learnt the language. However, I still face a problem while constructing sentences and speaking in English. I am not able to put in words easily while speaking and writing. I have been humiliated and frustrated. I lost promotions also due to my lack of good English. I have joined coaching centres, but they don’t seem to be working.

I thought of taking competitive exams, but due to hesitation in English (presenting, writing analytically and speaking without stopping). I am feeling frustrated and can’t achieve what I want to and push myself down day by day. 

My query is — is there any course where I can improve my English. I am ready to quit my job and pursue my dream. I request you to kindly provide complete details of any institution in India (address and contact number) where I can realize my long-cherished dream. 

Or can I join any English major degree which can help me to overcome my fear, struggle and fulfill my dreams? If yes, please let me know about the good colleges in India. I am anticipating your valuable guidance.
Ganapathy

Dear Ganapathy
I understand that you have hesitation in communicating in English and I applaud you for the courage it must have taken for you to send in this letter. Learning a new language and successfully communicating in it, has more to do with your confidence in yourself and your willingness to make mistakes and learn from them, than it has to do with joining the best course available.

I am not in a position to answer your question on best courses available, because that is not my area. However, I would like you to take inspiration from our current prime minister who could not speak English when he came to the position, and now  is giving speeches in English in different parts of the world. 

So don’t lose hope. Just practise, practise, practise. More than a class, find yourself some friends with whom you can speak and not be afraid of making a mistake. Ask them to correct you if you say something wrong. Let them know that English is not your strength area and that you want to practise the language. 

Ask them if they can help you. You won’t learn anything new unless you are ready to make mistakes in front of others. One learns from one’s mistakes. So be upfront about your hesitation, and your desire to improve, and seek help from everyone you can.

There is nothing more to it. But this route requires you to not only take some risks, but risks in front of others. So reach out and you will be surprised at how many people will be able to assist you in this journey.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
We feel our son, who is 10, has a very high IQ. We are not sure if it has to be checked at this age and for any purpose. He is quite good in studies, but we are just eager to guide him right. He gets easily distracted; he thinks too many things at the same time. His teachers find him difficult to handle because he gets diverted very easily, although they are very happy with regard to studies and his performance. Perhaps, we are not feeding him enough knowledge, information that can make him a thinker and better focussed.

He is also a voracious reader. Any book, riddles such as crossword, sudoku make him sit with concentration and rapt attention. He is also very good at drawing. We sent him to train under professional artists, but they couldn’t make him draw the usual way. 

He has his own choices and cannot sit patiently with the pencil and colouring, the common way. But when he puts his heart into anything particular, or his daily scribblings, they are excellent.
Our questions are:1. Is it too early for us to worry about his focus? 2. Do we have any special courses/scholarship for high IQ kids in India? 3. Is there any postal courses (not as a hobby) in drawing for kids like him in India?
SA

Dear SA
I cannot answer the specific questions you have raised at the end of your letter. However, it would be good to get your child evaluated by a psychologist for IQ, attention, focus etc. What that will do is it will tell you whether your son is within the norms of normalcy, or outside of it and needs special attention. Without this evaluation, you will not be able to give him the inputs that may be appropriate. So take the first step. Also be observant about his interactions with peers and his other behaviours and discuss these in your meeting with the psychologist.

Dear Madam,
I am 27 years old. I have completed computer science engineering in 2013. I was supposed to have graduated in 2010. Right now, I am in a dilemma. I don’t know which path to choose. I didn’t give many IT interviews because of my backlogs and low grades. I have chosen UPSC as my aim now, but my dad tells me to go abroad for MBA. He tells me I can’t clear UPSC. But I want to stay in India, as my mom is not well and she wants me to be in the civil services field and sometimes she is also worried about me. I am afraid about making the wrong career choice. I am an average guy, but I have some confidence that I can clear UPSC, but many demotivate me so that I don’t do work hard enough. I am scared. Please guide me.
A student
Dear Student
Please believe in yourself and do what your heart desires. Ultimately, there will always be many people giving you a lot of advice, based on their own assessment, their own value systems, and their own aspirations for themselves and for you. You could take all those inputs, but ultimately, the decision must be yours. It is helpful to remember that there is not only one right choice. 

You can make any choice you take work for you or not work for you. You can go abroad and do your MBA and make a great success of it, or you can waste that opportunity and make nothing of it. Or you can take the UPSC exam and make a success of it and a success of the opportunities that come up because of it, or you can waste it by not living a meaningful life. There is more than one path to success and happiness, because ultimately, success and happiness depend on how you define it for yourself, not on how others define it for yourself.

Don’t let other’s assessment of your capabilities colour your decision. If your heart lies in taking the UPSC exam, please take it and give it your best shot. If it doesn’t work out, there will be other paths that you can go down. You could do MBA then. Or you could do the MBA and then do the UPSC also. Like I said, there are many paths you can go down, and each path can be right for you. The important thing is to believe in yourself and make the choice that you feel fits best for you at this point of time.

Also, try and understand your fears. Answer the question – what is the worst thing that you are scared of happening? Often, when you name it, you will realise that ‘worst fear’ is not something you won’t be able to deal with. All the best.

More than one path - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages on December 10, 2015]

Dear Madam,

I am 19-year-old and I am in my first year degree. I have difficulty in controlling my aggression. I belong to a background which is very different from the circle I hang around with and I think this has left me with an inferiority complex. A friend will make some comment that annoys me or upsets me and my default reaction is to laugh it off.

However, I am unable to focus on anything else for hours or even days after the event. Much later, I send an aggressive and condescending text to the friend in question, berating them for a remark they have usually forgotten about. This approach is taking a toll on my friendships.

How can I address these situations as they arise? I am not sure what steps I need to take to change my “default reaction.” I am so ingrained and automatic that I don’t realise I have done it till much later.

NP
Dear NP

Aggression is always a sign of an underlying need that is not met or an emotion that is not being satisfied or expressed. When you get angry try and understand what is causing you to feel the anger.

It may be helpful for you to read my article “Get a grip on anger” (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2011/03/get-grip-on-anger.html ) to understand what you are experiencing a little better.

It is always helpful to remember that only you know your truth and reality, and if someone says something about you that is not true, then it does not become true just because they say it. You must believe in yourself. When someone has a weak concept of self, and low self-esteem, and thinks they are not good enough, then anything anyone says becomes like a reality that has got exposed.

The great thing is that you have self-realization on how this pattern of behaviour is hurting you and your relationships. That is the first and biggest hurdle to cross. Once you cross that it is easy to make changes. It is always helpful to ask yourself if the ‘issue’ you are raising is more important than the ‘relationship’ you are destroying. Most of the time the answer to that is ‘No’.

A helpful technique, if you must raise the issue, is to state how the comment made you feel, not challenge the person for making the comment. So say “when you say this, I feel…” rather than saying, “how dare you say …” or “why did you say …”.

The second approach makes the other person defensive of their action and so will not acknowledge or understand the impact it is having on you. The first approach does not challenge them, but merely states the impact it is having on you. So it helps you communicate your point of view without throwing the other person into defensive mode.

Hope this helps. It is best to work through this issue in depth with a counsellor so that it does not block your relationships going forward. If you do not have access to a counsellor you could contact a counsellor at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323.

Dear Madam,

I am an engineering student studying in third year. I am not able to get as much marks as I deserve in my exams. I think one of the prominent reasons is my handwriting in the answer scripts.

Even though my handwriting is good enough, due to time limitations and pressure in exams my handwriting gets very bad. Please suggest me a few steps on how can I improve my presentation skills.

Dhanush
Dear Dhanush

I am not sure this is the right forum for me to help you on your presentation skills. The only thing I can suggest is to practice speed writing when you are not in an exam environment.

So when you have some time off, maybe you should focus on your hand-writing and do some exercise which force you to right at the speed that you need in exams. There is really no other way to improve hand-writing other than practice.

However, you may also want to verify from your teachers if your hypothesis that you are losing marks because of your writing is indeed correct.

How do you do in your assignments when you are not writing fast due to time pressure. Have your teachers every told you that you lose marks because of your writing?

If you are losing marks, instead, because of your exam anxiety and therefore not performing at the level of your potential, then that is a different problem which needs to be addressed with the help of a counsellor.

Take comfort in the fact that you will probably not need to actually be using your handwriting skills to any great extent after you are done with your exams as going forward everything is done on the computer.

All the best.

As a parent, did you remember to dig for gold?

[This article was first published on the White Swan Foundation website at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/as-a-parent-do-you-remember-to-dig-for-gold/] 

Not so long ago I heard someone say “always remember to dig for gold, not for dirt”. What a simple idea! Yet, it so hard to live by. This thought resonated with me and brought back a rush of memories of instances when this value had not been upheld, leading to disastrous consequences.

It would not be inaccurate to state that over three-fourths of children and adolescents who come for counseling, struggle with issues of low self-esteem, and problems arising out of that, even if their presenting problem is different. Their self-talk is all about: “I am not good enough,” “I am not smart enough,” “I am not good looking enough,” “I didn’t do well in my test, so why should anyone be my friend?” “No one is talking to me,” “I can’t ask a question because the teacher may scold me and then the others will laugh at me”, “I am too scared to go up on stage – everyone will laugh at me” and so on and so forth.

Self-esteem reflects a person's overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself, as well as an attitude toward the self. Statements like these are manifestations of low self-esteem and it is important to understand that these children were not born this way. We, the parents and adults in their lives, have made them this way, by our casual, hurtful comments and needless judgments. In our well-meaning effort to spur them on, we sometimes end up bringing them to a grinding halt. 

We need to remember to be extremely careful about what we say, and how we say it. We may very casually, without giving it a second thought, call our child stupid, dumb, slow or incapable. Sometimes even a loser. But do we really want him or her to grow up believing that he or she is stupid, dumb, slow, and incapable or a loser?

The parents of a primary school child came to me some time back seeking help for their young son. They were very concerned after a teacher had pointed out many ‘problems’ with the child during a recent parent-teacher meeting and had suggested that they meet the school counselor. In my interaction with them, they said they were helpless and did not know how to deal with their son. Their choice of words sent a shiver down my spine because in my vocabulary you only “deal” with a “problem”! And a child is not a “problem”. If you perceive your child to be a problem, then that attitude will reflect in everything that you do and say. And your child will soon start believing that he or she is indeed a “problem”.

Not surprisingly, when I asked these parents what they had observed as their child’s strengths, neither parent could come up with anything, even though I tried asking the question in many different ways, at different points in our session. 

Now, to me that is the “problem” that we needed to “deal” with. Not the child.

It should come as no surprise then that many children grow up believing there is nothing unique and special about them, because these parents were not unique in their attitude and behavior. They were by no yardstick uncommon!

Making a child ‘visible’ in the eyes of parents, teachers, and other adults is very important. But to make them visible when they are being good and doing good, rather than when they are being bad and doing bad, can have a significant impact on the child’s mental make-up. This is a powerful tool available to every parent and adult in a child’s life, for free. Adults can instill confidence in children just by keeping their eyes and ears open - listening to the kind word, noticing the neat work, watching out for the good behavior, and acknowledging the effort. 

So if this is not what you are used to doing, how do you start? An attempt in the right direction should involve making sure there is at least something good you have noticed, and acknowledged, in your child every day. And, if every day seems too daunting a task to begin with, start with every week.

You’ll be surprised when you realize how rarely you have been applauding your children for their effort. In fact some kids have probably never received appreciation from their parents, ever. Yet, this negligence goes unnoticed all the time. We are over-alert to the things that are wrong, but tend to take the things that are right for granted.

Remember to dig for gold. And, do it every day till it becomes a habit. And then learn to scrub the gold to make it shine even more, rather than just trying to brush off the dirt and “deal” with the mess thus created.

Just be Yourself - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on November 19, 2015] 

Dear Madam,

My science teacher hates me and it is apparently for no reason. Maybe I am not so good in the subject, but that is no reason for her to dislike me. It is unfair and I am not going to let her treat me like that for another year. She needs to treat me like every other pupil. How does one have a good teacher-pupil relationship?

A Student
Dear Student

It must be extremely hurtful and frustrating to feel that your teacher hates you, and to not know the reasons for it. I can also sense the anger that must be arousing in you. Could it be possible that you are mis-reading her emotions towards you? Could your interpretation of her feelings towards you be based on your thoughts that may not be really be grounded in reality? Think about it.

It may be helpful for you to have a conversation with the teacher and respectfully tell her what you feel — without challenging what she is doing. Naturally if you challenge her she will get defensive. But if you tell her that you are feeling disliked by her and that you would like to change that and so could she help you understand what is wrong, she may be amenable to having a conversation with you about your feelings. But a word of caution — enter this conversation with the objective and mind-set of trying to understand what you can do differently, rather than with an attitude of challenging her because “how dare she hate you”.

You may want to talk to a counsellor about the specifics of what this teacher is making you feel, and how you could best handle this situation. Try calling the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 to reach out to a counsellor who could help you. All the best!

Dear Madam,

My parents seem really unhappy. One day they may be fine and the next they’re not. They often argue over me — be it studies or my behaviour. They don’t seem to agree. I don’t know what to do.

A student
Dear student,

Unfortunately when parents fight, children end up feeling that they are responsible and need to do something to improve things. You need to know that none of their fighting is your fault. It is not about anything you did, did not do, or could have done. It is about their own issues, disagreements and misunderstandings, amongst themselves.

They may be about you, because you are the link between them and are probably equally important to both of them. But they are not because of you, and you don’t need to do anything different, or be anyone different to stop them. You may be the subject of their disagreements, but you are not the cause of them, and I want you to believe that.

Just be the person you want to be, and let the adults sort out their own mess, no matter how hard that may sound.  All the best.

Dear Madam

I am in the first year of college. I act on feedback to improve, but keep getting mediocre performance reviews on my assignments, although I try hard to do my best. Should I just put up with being average at studies? How can I improve myself?

An undergraduate
Dear undergraduate student,

The most important thing, and really the only thing you can control, is the amount of effort you put in. And to perform at the level of your best potential you must put in your best effort. Beyond that you cannot control the marks. You can take feedback that you get, and you say you do, and that will help. However, don’t anchor yourself and your sense of self-worth, to your marks.

Strive to put in your best effort and that will ensure that at least you gain the knowledge that you need. Marks merely open doors for you, and sometimes not even that. Your real success in the workplace will not come from marks, but from your softer skills like the ability to learn on the job, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your creative problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your communication and persuasive skills, among other things.

So don’t brand yourself as average just because your marks are average. There is more to you than your marks.

All the best
Dear Madam,

I am studying in a degree college. My problem is that I am depressed and keep thinking, hoping that things will be different. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. Often I have a mental block and I am unable to study. How do I come out of this situation?

Confused student
Dear confused student

I think it is important for you to get the help of a counsellor to understand and deal with your depression. If your depression has been there for a long time you may need to see a psychiatrist as well. If it is a mild onset that just set in only counselling may work.

I don’t know if you are in a place where you have access to a counsellor. However, if you don’t it may be helpful for you to reach out to a counsellor over the phone. You could call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 which is a free helpline answered by counsellors to help young adults like you.

Most of the time, depression is the time the result of how we think about events and situations and a counsellor may be able to help you gain a different perspective on things. All the best.

Your definition of success and failure impacts your child's. Do you know your definition?

[ The following article originally appeared at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/your-definition-of-success-and-failure-impacts-your-child-do-you-know-your-definition/ ]

Everyone wants to be a success. No one wants to be afailure. And understandably so. Success and failure, however, are terms meant to define events, not people. You are either successful at doing something, or achieving some milestone, or you failed at doing something or did not achieve some milestone. That does not imply that you are a complete success or a complete failure. There are other aspects of you that you may not be so successful at, or that you may not be such a failure at. The most successfulperson (if there can be such a term) may have a large bank balance, but may be a complete failure as a parent or a spouse. And a person who has been an absolute failure at business, may be an unbelievably good parent or an amazing friend.

So success and failure are terms used to describe how we did at a particular event in our life – not how we are in totality. But every so often we are unable to see the difference.

We often believe that we are a success, and our child must be a success. And the hint of failure in any small aspect of our life, or theirs, sends us into a tizzy. Or we believe that we have been a failure and therefore want to make sure that our children don’t end up as failures! If a child fails in an exam we call them failures; we project that they will remain failures for the rest of their lives. Whereas they may have just failed at an exam, and there may be several other aspects of life that they may have been successful at or successful in. We don’t allow ourselves to see or acknowledge that they may be great in sports, they may be wonderfully empathic human beings, they may be great artists and wonderful singers, they may be good orators or creative problem solvers, they may be honest and helpful, or that they may have wonderful people skills. We overlook all of this and brand them as a failure because they failed at an exam!

Similarly, if we lose our job, we brand ourselves as a failure, sometimes to the point of never being able to recover again. We interpret that failure at that particular job as a verdict on us, and our entire life, never allowing us to bounce back and think of ourselves in any other terms.

To accept our children in totality (and accept we must) with all their strengths and weaknesses, we need to understand success and failure as terms used to define events and not people. Which means that we need to look at ourselves also as people who have been successful in some aspects of our lives, and failures at others. We need to acknowledge and accept things that we failed at and we need to be comfortable talking about our failures. Can we accept our past failures, and take stock of what we learned from the experience? Are we comfortable with having failed in certain aspects and able to talk to our children about our failures? Can we make our failures, and how we dealt with them, an integral part of dinner-time conversations? Only then can we help our children accept failure as just another event in their lives – a learning opportunity that came their way – rather than something that fatally defines them in totality.

Some failure is inevitable – in our life, and in the life of our children. Equipping our children with life skills that will help use the failure to gain a deeper understanding of themselves, and gain new learnings from the situation, will be an invaluable gift that we can give them – far more valuable than the biggest bank balance that we may be slaving for. It will teach them the importance of resilience – of bouncing back in the face of adversity, and not letting adversity define them. And the sooner they learn this life lesson, the better off they will be.

But, children learn from what they see and experience, not from what we say or scream about. So that means they will learn life lessons around success and failure from how we, as parents, experience and deal with success and failure ourselves. They need to see us model behavior that takes failure in its stride. They need to see us learn from our failures. They need to see us fall down and then bounce back again – sometimes to newer heights, and sometimes to fall down again. They also need to see us succeed at some things, and take success in its stride. They need to see us experience joy in our successes.

In short, they need to see us experience failure and success, but most of all they need to see success and failure as temporary events in our life, not permanent life-defining states of being. In the words of John Wooden, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts.”

Courage in the face of adversity, and humility in the face of prosperity, is what we need to model as parents. Only then will our children experience it from us, and only then will they learn to live it. And then, and only then, will we have helped them grow into resilient adults, ready to face all the challenges and joys, successes and failures, that life will throw in their path.

Never underestimate the power of our influence – negative and positive – on the lives of our children. Let’s strive to maximize the positive and minimize the negative.

Gain Control of Situations - Ask your cousellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of October 29, 2015]

Dear Madam,

I don’t know who to turn to help. My parents moved to a new town during this academic year and have started new jobs. I think they have enough problems without me adding to them. I started at my new school this academic year. I have made no friends. Two boys keep calling me names and the others laugh every time they do it. They always shout at me when the teacher isn’t around. It happens in the classroom, playground and when I am walking to and from school. Please help me. I can’t take it anymore.

A distressed boy

Dear distressed boy

Please don’t think that you need to protect your parents from your worries because they have too much to handle. I am sure wanting you to settle down well will be their primary objective and if you don’t tell them about what is bothering you they will never know. They are adults and know how to take care of their needs. You do not have to think that what you tell them is an added burden on them.

Having said that, you need to believe in yourself and your worth. The other children in school will pick on someone they think will not stand up to them. You need to prove them wrong. You are worthy and capable no matter what anyone may say, and they need to know that. Just because they call you names and laugh at you does not mean that they have a right to do that, or that you deserve that. You should speak up and let the teacher know. And also let them know that you can stand up for yourself. If someone thinks you are not good enough, it does not mean that you become that. You have to believe that you are good enough and capable and worthy and that no one has the right to undermine your confidence. You may reach out to the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 if you want to talk to someone about it. Please also read my article on this topic at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html .

Good luck

Dear Madam, 

I am 15 years old and in the ninth standard. My classmates make me sick. They treat me badly and that scares me. Every morning when I go to my classroom they wait for me by the only entrance. I can’t go to my teachers or my parents because they don’t believe me. How do I come out of this situation?

JM

Dear JM

What scares you? What is your worst fear? What are worried about that your classmates can do to you? You must try to articulate and define what you are scared about and when you do that most of the time you will realize that the fear may be an irrational fear. Once you realize that, it may not be that scary anymore. The reason your classmates have this power over you is because you of the fear which makes you feel vulnerable and out of control. Please remember that you are in control over what happens to you. If you think differently about things and situations, you can regain control and not feel so helpless. Please see a counsellor to help you with this, if you have one in your school. You could also call the helpline that I have talked about above. I would also ask you to read this article on my blog which will help you understand the situation you are in a little differently and believe in the power within you. http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html

Good luck

Dear Madam,

A classmate I have known for many years blackmails me into spending more time on her than I want to. She gets upset if I don’t reply to her long e-mails. I don’t know how to extricate myself from this ‘friendship’ because I am fed up with her negative self-pity,

LR

Dear LR

You are feeling helpless because you have given up your control. You must regain your control in this situation which will not make you feel helpless in this situation. A person may expect whatever they do, but it is in your control how much you fulfil those expectations. You do not have to fulfil everyone’s expectations all of the time. This may get some people upset with you sometimes and that is okay. Everyone does not have to like you and be happy with you all the time. The same way you do not like some people all the time, and all people some of the time, it is okay for others not to like you as well. So if your friend is not okay with you spending the amount of time you feel appropriate she may be upset but if she values you she will understand. If she does not understand then that relationship may not be all that you think it is. In a friendship or any other relationship it is important for both people to be able to define and establish their boundaries as they find comfortable. So go ahead and take back the control and define your boundaries.

Good luck!

Are you weighing your child down with the burden of your expectations?

[ The following article was originally published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/are-you-weighing-your-child-down-with-the-burden-of-your-expectations/]

I recently had a client who was in the process of leaving her marriage. I expected her to be distraught about the implications of that decision, and what it would mean for her, going forward. Instead what I found was someone distraught by the implications of that decision on her parents. They had had expectations of her, which she had not lived up to, in the past, as well. And now this! She was concerned about how they would face society. After all, she had let them down. Would they ever be able to recover from this? And would she ever be able to recover from having let them down? Those were her major concerns.

I have met several parents who have a clearly mapped out a future path for their children — every milestone is documented, or at least etched in their minds. Their children should simply abide, and follow that path, and they will benefit from a happy and successful future life. That is what they need to do. That is the only way.

However, children are here in the world to find their own purpose and create their own path, and then to go down that path with zeal, enthusiasm and drive. Our role as parents is to merely support them in this process of their search for self-identity, and their path. And we do this best by giving them the roots to grow and the wings to fly. According to Brian Tracy, an American TV host, “If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.” 

As aware parents, we need to know that our children come into our lives to fulfill their own purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. They are not here to give us a sense of validation. They are not here to carry on our family name or business, to achieve our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, to provide an insurance policy for our old age, or to bring us glory. They are not here to fulfill our dreams, or think our thoughts, or become someone we think they should be. They are not our family “trophies” — to bring fame and glory to our family name. They are here to walk their own path and sculpt their own life. And as they cross the milestones of that process, we are allowed to feel proud of them.

So if we have pre-defined expectations of what our child should do, and who our child should become, it is imperative that we open up the windows of our mind and let the expectations go — not only because they are not based on any reality, but also because they can really make the environment toxic for our children, like my client who is still worrying about having let her parents down.

There has been a controversy raging in the press in the past about the Chinese style of parenting v the American style. The Chinese style is more regimented and disciplinarian. It is loaded with the highest expectations of their children, in the path defined by their parents. Chinese children, for example, are not allowed to attend sleepovers, have play dates, be in school plays, complain about not being in school plays, watch TV or play computer games, choose their own extracurricular activities, get any grade less than an A, not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama, play any instrument other than the piano or violin; or not play the piano or violin. The American style, on the other hand, gives more space to a child's individual needs, interests, desires, aspirations, feelings and self-esteem. While it is correct to say that the general level of academic performance of the Chinese children is higher, and therefore, we may conclude that the Chinese style is more effective in the long run, I believe that the Chinese system produces performers, not composers. And that, largely, holds true for the Indian system as well.

A quick Google search in the Classical Composers Database throws up just 20 Chinese composers but several pages of American composers. A question for us to think about is do we want our children to be performers (i.e. replicators, followers, doers, executers) of pre-written pieces, or do we want our children to be composers (leaders, designers, inventors, creators) of pieces that they are writing? While the Industrial Age attached a premium to diligence, execution, perfection, towing the line and other such qualities, the knowledge age that we are now living in (and that our children will definitely live in) attaches a premium to creativity, out-of-the-box thinking, abilities to learn on the job, solve problems, be team leaders, and be team players (in formal and informal, team structures), to communicate our ideas and opinions, the ‘can do’ attitude, the ability to be self-motivated and the ability to learn from failures, to name just a few. None of this gets tested by our current system of examinations, and none of these qualities get developed by our current system of education.  

So if we expect our children to get a hundred per cent, and they live up to our expectation, they may fulfil our expectations, but still not be a success in life, and in the workplace. Do we want them to succeed in exams, or do we want them to succeed in life? It is a decision we need to make as parents, because the paths to both may be completely different. Unfortunately, many parents assume that success in exams automatically implies success in life. Success in exams only opens a few doors. Success in life, on the other hand, is a totally different ball game, often having nothing to do with success in exams.

Does that mean that parents should not have any expectations? No, far from it. Children are known to try and live up to parental expectations, and therefore, having some expectations will spur them on to push themselves to achieve greater heights. It will push them to get out of their comfort zone, try out new things and take on new challenges.

All it means is that the expectations should not be about marks, performance and abiding by rigid social norms above all else. 

Our expectations should be around having our children put in their best effort, in whatever area they choose; about them learning to the best of their ability; about them living by values that we model to help our children believe in them; about our children pushing the boundaries and limits of their capabilities to ensure they achieve their potential; about them being socially well-adjusted; about believing in themselves; and, about having their own dreams and aspirations, as different from ours.

So what CAN we give our children? Our knowledge and belief that who they really are is valuable and important! And an honest, authentic, safe and secure environment where they can grow, without fear of rejection or non-acceptance. 

And, what can we expect in return as parents? In the words of Sharon Goodman, we should expect nothing less than “a magnificent adventure as we guide our children to know who they really are!”

Work on your communication - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on October 1, 2015]

Dear Madam
I have found that there is a large difference in my classmates’ levels of confidence, meaning a few students dominate group work to the detriment of others. While I have belief in my own judgment, I do not seem to be able to convince others to listen and take my perspective as seriously. What can I do to get myself heard? Should I tackle the loudmouths?
A student

Dear student
I am not sure what you mean by ‘tackle the loudmouths’? It is always better to try and bring about changes which are within us and over which we have control, rather than attempt at trying to change and control things that are outside of you and over which it is inherently impossible to have any control. So rather than planning to ‘tackle’ the external elements, it would be good for you to identify what changes you can bring about within yourself to generate the changes you want in your environment.

There are two fronts that you can work on. Firstly, you can work on communicating to the group what their behaviours are making you feel. Sometimes people behave in certain ways without realising the impact their behaviours are having on others. So don’t say something that is accusatory and challenging what they do. Try using an “I feel…” statement which says “when you do this, I feel…”

This way, you are not questioning and challenging them (which would no doubt make them defensive) but you are just stating what you feel and that becomes an issue about you, not them. There is nothing right and wrong about your feelings. Feelings just are and it is important to articulate them sometimes.

Secondly, you can work on how you can make the communication of your points more assertive. Can you modify your communication technique in any way? Can you gain the confidence and strength to take charge of the discussion? Can you communicate your points clearly? Can you take on a leadership role in a project?

The next time you have to work in a group, can you be the first one to take charge of the leadership position. It is important to believe in yourself, and believe that you are as good as the others in the group. That gives you the confidence you need to behave in a more assertive manner and get your points heard. You may benefit from reading the following articles which were published in this newspaper earlier.
http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

Hope this helps. All the best

Dear Madam
I am 15-years-old. Recently, I went to see my friend, a classmate, and we met up with some others. I updated my mother constantly to let her know where I was, but when I got home (five minutes late) she was angry with me. What can I do to make her trust me? My dad was fine about it.
BCDear BC
It would help for you to ‘communicate’ with your mother and try to understand her feelings and concerns that caused the anger. People don’t just get angry. They get angry because of something else that they are feeling and to understand someone’s anger, it is important to understand those unexpressed feelings. So have a conversation with your mother about what she felt when you got late. It is important to be able to have a rational, calm, cool-headed conversation if you want to make some progress here. It will be futile for you to get defensive and aggressive.

The objective of the conversation must be for you to understand your mom’s anger, and for you to communicate your own feelings when you felt you did no wrong. The key is to focus on each other’s feelings, not on the behaviours.

Hope this helps in strengthening the relationship you have with your mom. It will be wise to remember, though, that trust once broken is hard to re-establish and takes a lot of time. So you are better off not betraying your mom’s trust in the long run — to the extent that you can.
All the best.

Dear Madam
My studies are affected because a classmate is constantly absent and borrows my notebooks. I’m the one who gets it in the neck from the lecturer, when I am sometimes unable to submit my work in time. How do I shake off this classmate, without making a big fuss about it and without annoying her?
VR

Dear VR
It is important for you to try and understand why you are not able to say ‘no’ to her and why you are so worried about annoying her. It is okay for you to be assertive (not aggressive) about what works for you, and what does not. It is not important for everyone in the class to like you. Just like you may not like everyone in the class equally, it is okay for some in the class to not like you as much as others. Often we believe that everyone must like us, and if we say “no” to something they may stop liking us and that will be a terrible situation. So try and understand why you are not able to either say “no” to give her the notebooks, or being firm about your expectations with respect to her bringing your notebooks back in time. It is not possible to please all the people all the time, and it is not necessary. So understand yourself to help you resolve this dilemma. What is the worst thing that could happen if she did get annoyed with you?

Is your child's adolescence challenging you?

[The following article written by me was first published on the website whiteswanfoundation.org ]

My daughter is seventeen, and doesn’t stop reminding me that she will be eighteen in less than six months. What! Is that true! Am I almost done with navigating the minefield of adolescence? Well, I am at the last mile before she becomes an adult. I guess it is a good time to reflect on adolescence, and why some parents find it so challenging – almost to the point of dreading it! 

Adolescence is not a “bad” phase that you need to grin and bear. It is the phase that ultimately helps the child and the parent to grow, and if handled properly, emerge with a stronger relationship as adults. But to get to the other side of adolescence successfully, we need to understand this phase not only in terms of physiological and cognitive development, but also in terms of identify formation and a redefining of relationships with parents, peers and partners.

The physiological changes are obvious, and I am not going to spend my word count on them. Cognitive development is a little less understood. Adolescence marks the second wave of rapid brain development in a person’s life – the beginning of more complex thinking processes. Even though their amygdala (the part of the brain that processes emotions like fear, anger and pleasure) is not as developed as that of an adult, and their ability to recognize and read emotions is wanting, there is explosive growth happening in other parts of the brain.

Early adolescents are focused on personal decision making in school and home – they start questioning authority and social standards; they start forming and verbalizing their own thoughts and views on topics related to their life (what sport should I play, which peer group should I join, which parental rule should I insist be changed).

Middle adolescents expand their focus to include more philosophical and futuristic concerns – they question and analyze more; they begin to form their own code of ethics; think about different possibilities and begin to form their own identity; they think about possible future goals and start making longer term plans.

Late adolescents use their complex thinking processes to focus more on less self-centered, and more global, concepts like justice and politics; they develop idealistic views; they debate and discuss a great deal and show an intolerance to opposing views; they focus on making career decisions and thinking about their emerging role in adult society. They introspect, and are self-conscious, which may end up in a sort of egocentrism, or intense preoccupation with the self. They also start looking at problems from multiple dimensions. They don’t accept facts as absolute truths and therefore, also question parental values and authority. And this is where we parents start feeling challenged.

An adolescent’s search for identity when they start to ponder the big question, “Who am I?” is a big part of this phase  – achieving a coherent identity and avoiding identity confusion, their main aim. Parents would like to believe that they are the sole influencers in this process. However, this search for identity is also affected by their peers, their school, the neighborhood, the community, and the media. For the adolescent to complete this process successfully, they must go through two steps. The first involves questioning, and breaking away, from childhood beliefs that don’t resonate with them, and consequently coming up with a set of beliefs that do. And the second involves committing to the identity that they choose for themselves.

This is a time of intensive analysis and exploration of different ways of looking at oneself. It involves dramatic change and uncertainty, integrating one’s past experiences, current challenges and social demands and expectations into one coherent whole. Also the identity the adolescent chooses must be recognized, confirmed and accepted by others, for the teenager to feel comfortable, confident and worthy. Which is why this is the stage when they are intensely searching for role models, turn to peer groups and rebel against traditional authority.

A person’s identity development starts early on, with a child’s initial awareness that they are separate and unique individuals, as different from their parents. As they grow into teenagers, they reach a point when they want to be defined as anything but their parents. They may not even want to be seen with their parents, and anything the parent does or says is definitely embarrassing. This process of separation (and possible rejection) is hurtful for us parents, but we need to consistently remind ourselves that it is a natural process – between every teenager and parent; not only between our teenager and us.

As parents it is imperative that we support them in this process of their individuation if we want them to be fully-functioning adults who go on to achieve their potential. An identity crisis is one of the most important conflicts that adolescents face in their development. It leads to self-doubt, a demanding of space, a sometimes false sense of bravado, and often even a sense of invincibility, and all this sporadically peppered with rudeness, arrogance and a sense of entitlement.

The more we are aware of this being a natural process, the less we need to feel threatened by it and resist it, the easier it is for us to retain our sanity, and the more supportive we can be in their journey. So let’s accept that no matter what we do, we will be a source of embarrassment; that friends will be more important than us; that we need to be available (on call 24x7) yet invisible; that there will be an interest in the opposite sex; that they will always want to know what’s in it for them, and that they will reject every idea that we come up with.

If we can see this as the ‘new normal’- a period of ‘normal’ stress – understand it, accept it, and go with the flow, rather than take it as a challenge to our authority, we may be able to do them, and ourselves, a big service. As for myself, I can say I am glad I am almost done with it!

Be your own hero - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 10, 2016]

Dear Madam,
My daughter is currently studying in PUC (commerce) second year in Mount Carmel College. She has scored 90 per cent in SSLC and 91 per cent in PUC first year. She is interested in arts (dancing, singing, acting) but due to our pressure, she goes to college. Initially, she had decided to take up CA so as to avoid science but she’s now decided to wait for second year PUC results to zero in on a field. Could you please suggest a future course of action for her? 
N Manjunath

Dear Manjunath,
I am not a career counsellor, and as such, have very little to add in terms of what would be a good career choice for her. It is best you involve her in the decision, rather than some random stranger like myself. She knows her passion and interests best, and she is the one who has to live with the choice that she makes. So, it is only fair that she have a say in it. If your daughter is passionate and talented in the creative fields and is able to maintain good academic scores as well, then you really should not be worrying about her. The important thing for you at this stage, as a parent, is to maintain an open communication with her and be on the same side of the decision-making process as her, rather than on the opposite side.

It is best not to make it a us (i.e., parents) versus her situation, but rather create an environment in which you all participate in this decision-making process together to arrive at what you all collectively feel and think would be the best bet for her future success. There is not much to be gained in her getting ‘stuck’ in a field in which she has no interest, only due to ‘parental pressure’. I am sure you have your reasons for wanting her to pursue a particular field, and she will have her reasons to want to pursue other fields. The key lies in everyone being on the same side and understanding each other’s point of view and allowing for differences in perspective. There really is no replacement for genuine authentic communication. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I was raised to be very dependent on my parents. While some kids were already doing things like cooking or cleaning by themselves at age 12, my parents always did those things for me and my brother. It’s not a bad thing but I am almost 18 now and worried that I won’t be able to do much for myself or live on my own after high school. Kindly help.
An overly dependent child

Dear overly dependent child, 
It is really heart-warming to receive your letter. In this generation, I think there may be many children in your situation, who may not even recognise this as a problem. Given that the current generation of parents typically have only one or two children, there is a tendency to ‘over-parent’, ‘over-protect’ and ‘over-do’. However, the fact that you recognise it, and are aware of the negatives of this (even though there are also great advantages to be at the receiving end of such love and attention) leaves me with no doubt that you will live up to whatever is demanded of you when the situation and the need arises. And if you are concerned about not being able to do it later, maybe you should start doing it now. Start doing the things that you would like to be able to do for yourself, and don’t be ‘too dependent’ on your parents. 

Dependence is a two-way process between the one who creates the dependence and the one who accepts and receives it. So, do your bit to wean off the dependence and you will be surprised at how independent you can be. Go ahead, give it a shot! All the best.

Dear Madam,
Many people around me have been asking me about my career choice of lately. But I am struggling to zero in on a field. I am the kind of person who will enjoy anything as long as a good atmosphere with the right kind of people is guaranteed. I have always enjoyed and understood science, particularly chemistry and have recently become very interested in psychology. Initially, I thought I could combine the two and possibly study medicine and then psychiatry. However, I am unsure as to whether psychiatry is the right career for me and whether I would enjoy it in the future. I guess I would prefer to work in a lab rather than in a space that requires me to interact directly with  people, although the concept of being a teacher strangely appeals to me. Kindly help me out.
A confused student

Dear confused student,
You might want to begin with some aptitude testing to see what your natural inclinations are and what you enjoy. For this, you should probably take the help of a career counsellor. Also, spend some time understanding yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses, what you enjoy and what interests you, and what you are passionate about. You seem to be in an enviable situation where you have the option of having many choices in front of you, each of which could be an equally good option. 

Try talking to people you know (or someone you know knows), who are working in the various fields you are considering — ask them what it involves, what are good skill sets to have, what a typical day looks like, the growth prospects and the challenges of their field. And then make an informed decision. 

However, remember that there is no one ‘perfect’ answer to your question; there may be several equally good options. The important thing is to go down one path and give it your best shot knowing that you have the potential to make a success of whatever you set your mind and heart to. And if you do decide on a path and realise after some time, for whatever reason, that you made a sub-optimal choice, you can switch paths. It may entail a little hardship and loss of time and money, but it is possible. In the words of John Wooden, it is important to remember that no matter what, “Success is never final, and failure is never fatal, it’s courage that counts.” Wish you good luck!

Is your child’s behavior worrying you?

[The following article written by me was published in the White Swan Foundation website:

http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/is-your-childs-behavior-worrying-you/ ]

Ever so often a parent sets up time for their child’s counselling because the child is acting out and misbehaving – throwing temper tantrums; being rude; addicted to the mobile (or to technology); not studying; being distracted; not getting the marks; not interacting with peers; not ‘listening’; the list can go on. Parents want the child counselled so that the behavior can be ‘fixed’.

My view is that behavior cannot be ‘fixed’ unless we understand the feelings and thoughts that result in it. The linkages between thoughts, feelings and behavior have been well researched and form the foundation of what is popularly called cognitive behavioral therapy and is a well-established mode of therapy for various mental health conditions. While I am not going to go into the details of CBT as it is popularly called, I do want to take a minute to illustrate the linkage because understanding it can enable us to look at our children’s issues (and our own) very differently.

Let’s take the example of a child going into a new school and being faced with a situation where he needs to interact and mingle with a whole new set of peers. If this child

• thinks he is not good enough and others are better than him; he questions himself on whether he is 'good enough for that group'; then he
• feels unsure, unconfident, insecure and hesitant, which makes him
• behaves meekly and mildly, when he walks up to peer-groups very hesitantly and in an unsure, tentative voice pleads to be allowed to join in the group. The typical response he will get from the group in such a situation will be one of rejection.

As adults in the life of the child, we typically see the meek and mild behavior and his social isolation and tell him to behave more confidently and make more friends. We do not focus on his underlying feelings of insecurity and lack of confidence due to his low self-esteem and belief that he is not good enough. In the counselling room what presents itself is often behavior which the adults want ‘fixed’. “Tell him how to make more friends” one parent may say. Or, “tell him how to be more confident”. What needs to be addressed though, are the unhelpful, dysfunctional and often irrational beliefs that result in the feelings and consequent behaviors.

Let’s look at the same scenario, but in this case the child

• thinks he is good enough and as good as the others; instead of doubting himself, he questions himself on whether the others are “good enough to be his friends”; then he
• feels confident and secure, which makes him
• behave confidently, when he walks up to the peer-group and in a clear confident voice introduces himself and asks to join the group. The typical response he will get from the group in such a situation will be one of friendliness and acceptance.

The situation in both cases is the same. The difference is the beliefs the child has about himself and his surroundings, which in turn, evoke feelings of confidence or uncertainty and result in very different behaviors.

So whenever we are confronted with a situation where our child is behaving in a way that is not acceptable to us, let’s go a little deeper and not just scratch the surface. Let’s try and uncover what the child is feeling, and understand the child’s thoughts and beliefs that are resulting in those feelings. But during this process of digging deeper, we need to ensure that we are able to remain non-judgmental and not end up being defensive.

Sometimes in this process of discovery we may realize that the child has ended up with some beliefs that we, as parents, did not intend for him to have. You wanted your child to be a confident high-achiever. How did he end up with such a lack of confidence? And that may then result in your having to answer some tough questions for yourself on what you did wrong or said wrong. And that may not always be a pleasant exercise for you.

The important thing is also to be non-judgmental, and accepting, not only of your child, but also of yourself. You have to believe in your ability to be a ‘good enough’ parent. You have to believe in yourself, only then will your child end up believing in himself. Remember, you are not perfect and you don’t need to be. You are good enough. And your child is not perfect, and does not need to be. Your child is good enough.

So if your child is throwing temper tantrums, don’t just try to stop the angry behavior. Try to understand the source of the angry feelings and address those. If your child is engaging in attention-seeking behavior, don’t just dismiss the behavior because you don’t want to give in to the demand for attention. Try and understand why the child needs to resort to the attention-seeking behavior to get the attention he probably rightfully deserves. If your child is addicted to technology, don’t just threaten to take away the mobile or other gadget, but try and understand what need is being fulfilled by the addiction that is not being met otherwise. What is the thought or belief that makes the child prefer the virtual world to the real world? If the child is constantly distracted and unable to focus, try and understand what thoughts (fears, anxieties, and hopes) are filling up his mind-space and give him an opportunity to air them.

This may seem hard, and beyond you. But in reality it is not. It just requires you to ‘listen’ with your hearts and understand and accept yourself and your children. This may require you to reskill yourself, and respond differently from what you are used to, but it is eminently doable. The rewards are definitely worth it – for yourself, for your children, and for your relationship with them.

Overcoming your Difficulties - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages on August 20, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am an undergraduate student currently doing internship. I belong to a lower middle class family. I was doing well in my studies till the second year. But in second year I got disturbed as financial problems arose in my family and the family harmony was affected. At the same time I fell in love, and failed. My friends too betrayed me. I feel guilty about having wasted my time in unnecessary stuff. 

I should have realized my family expectations and condition. I became negative and lacked interest in studying and socializing with friends. As a result my studies were affected and slowly I became depressed and frustrated with my condition.

With the help of a lecturer I tried to recover and revive my self-confidence. I studied diligently in my final year and I improved. However, the problem of depression still persisted. Currently I am having physiological complaints like lack of sleep, lack of interest in food, feeling low and lack of energy through the day. 

I try hard to concentrate on my studies but cannot. I also think that my memory is going weak as I am forgetting things easily. I am unable to take action of what I want to do and end up doing nothing.

I try to motivate myself through books but my motivation is short lived. My lack of concentration, low energy, and persistent forgetfulness is affecting me. I want to get rid of this as I am afraid that this problem could hamper my career and future. Please help me in this regard.
A student
Dear Student
It is good that you are recognizing that there may be a more persistent problem for which you may need more help. I think it is important to get yourself evaluated for depression by a psychiatrist and take the help needed for you to get out of it.

Like other chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes and hyper-tension, depression may also need some medication as it may be the result of chemical imbalance in the brain.

If you are assessed for being clinically depressed, and you take the medication you should start feeling better in a couple of weeks. If possible, also try and supplement the medication with some counselling that will help you feel better about yourself, deal with your guilt, and gain a different perspective on the situation you are trying to handle.

I am not sure which city you are in, and if you have access to a counsellor. If not, you could get some free counselling support from the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. All the best.

Dear Madam,
My daughter is very bad in her studies. In PUC she failed in two subjects which she cleared in the supplementary exam. Immediately she was admitted to an Engineering College in Mysore (for Information science). In the first semester she failed to clear 4 subjects, and continued to the 2nd semester.

When the results were announced, she failed in 7 subjects, including 4 subjects in the first semester. We are utterly confused. Could you guide us? Shall I ask her to concentrate in 7 subjects by remaining at home and preparing well before going for the 3rd semester next year, or discontinue her studies and join some other course like BCA.

Alternatively pursue the 3rd semester and simultaneously appear for the failed subjects in the coming supplementary exam. We seek your valuable suggestion. An aggrieved parent
Dear aggrieved parent
It is not about asking her to follow one path or the other, it is about having a conversation with her to understand what is holding her back from achieving her potential. Does she feel she is in the wrong field and would she rather be doing something else? Or does she feel she is in the right field, but is distracted and unable to focus due to stress, anxiety or some other reason which she may need help dealing with. Or does she believe she is just not capable to deal with these subjects?

It is important to be able to have these conversations in a non-judgmental accepting way so that she feels comfortable expressing her fears and anxieties.

I am sure her situation must be causing her difficulty as well, and it is important for you as a parent to support her in this journey so that she comes out successfully at the other end, with the least emotional damage.

Dear Madam
How do I explain to my classmate that I just don’t want to hear about her boring stories all the time? She goes on about the dullest things but I don’t want to be rude. Help!Anonymous
Dear friend

Our reactions to a particular situation often stem from our beliefs, thoughts and life experiences. It may be worthwhile for you to take a few self-reflective moments to understand where you impatience is stemming from? What do you feel when she tells you those stories? What stops you from participating in those stories and also telling some of your own? What stops you from being genuinely interested in her?

And if you are not, what makes you still hang around her, even though you would rather not? What is the gain you are getting out of it? Time for some self-reflection, I think. All the best.

Dear Madam
My son has just turned 14 and I have a suspicion that he's started smoking marijuana. He's always been such good boy, and we've always been very close as a family. But just recently he's started coming back to the house with red eyes, in the middle of the night, and locking himself in his room. What can I do?A concerned mother
Dear concerned mother,
I would think it is time to have some genuine communication within the family. Don’t focus simply on the behaviors, but on the underlying thoughts and feelings that are leading to his indulging in those behaviors.

Don’t be judgmental and dismissive of him, but go into the conversation with an open heart and open mind and a willingness to listen, understand and mentor. He is still a ‘good boy’ but is just not doing something not so good. That does not erase and nullify all is goodness.

He needs guidance, mentoring, love and help. You may stop the smoking and still not address the underlying emotions and needs, which may result in only a short-lived solution to the problem. Hope this helps. All the best.