Recognise your strengths - Ask your counsellor Q& A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 8, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am a I PUC graduate with an overall percentage of 98.33%. My aim is to get into one of the IITs. But the problem with me is that I have a lot of negative points. I am a very bad time manager, lazy and unsystematic. I am also a procrastinator. I don’t study regularly and my work piles up at the end of the week. When the exams approach, I start studying late nights, trying to finish my portion at the last moment. 

For the I PU exam also, I skipped many topics as there wasn’t enough time. I scored well only because of sheer luck. But I believe I am capable and have immense potential. At present, I am attending classes in a coaching institute. In the first week I was full of energy and enthusiasm. But as the weeks passed, I have become casual, and I fear that because of this habit, I will not be able to perform up to my potential. 

So at the end, I feel bad that I have wasted precious time. To lift my spirits, I have read motivational books, but they don’t seem to work. Please help me in performing well and deleting my negative points.

SP

Dear SP

You are not the only person in the world who has negative points. Each person has negative points and in that you are not unique. However, each person also has positive points, along with the negative, and it is important that we recognize and acknowledge our positive points because that is what makes us feel stronger and better about ourselves and gives us the energy required to achieve our goals. 

Unfortunately most of us are only too quick to recognize our weaknesses and make the fatal mistake of thinking we don’t have any strengths. So I am not too concerned about the fact that you have weaknesses. I would be more concerned about the fact that you are not recognizing your strengths. You are attributing your successes to sheer luck, discounting any role that you and your strengths may have played in achieving them. 
I would urge you to stop here and take some time to take stock of your strengths. And don’t stop at discovering and uncovering only one or two. Try and dig out at least ten because I am sure you will have at least ten, provided you allow yourself to look for them.
If you can find more than ten, then even better. You don’t need to delete all your negative points. You need to know them, and then decide on which ones you want to modify and how you want to modify them. And as you start recognizing your positive points, the burden of the negative points will automatically come down. If with all your negative points that you mention you are able to get a score of 98.33%, you are obviously not giving enough recognition to your positive points and strengths. I am also not sure how much more will convince you that you are indeed achieving your potential!
Watch out from falling into the trap of constant dissatisfaction, no matter what the result. I hope you are not caught in the vicious cycle of never doing good enough! At some point of performance, you need to be able to take stock and enjoy your success and feel a sense of satisfaction at what you have achieved. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in II PUC. All my classmates in college think that I am completely unfashionable. All the other children laugh at me at school and say my clothes are completely unfashionable. I feel really stupid. I ask my parents to buy me better clothes but they say they don’t have enough money. What can I do?

Dear Anonymous,
I hear you say that you feel really stupid, and that is what concerns me. People around you will only reflect back to you what you are feeling about yourself. If you feel insecure, not smart and lacking confidence, then that is what people start thinking about you. And those are the cues that you pick up from your environment which further reinforces what you think about yourself.
Let me help you understand that a little better. You say you ‘feel stupid’. Because of that you may be thinking thoughts like ‘people don’t like me’, ‘I am not smart’, ‘others are smarter than me’, ‘what must the others be thinking of me?’ and so on. Because you are thinking like that you behave meekly, shyly and without confidence, feeling embarrassed about yourself and your clothes. 
Because you behave that way, your friends think you are not dressed fashionably. In reality, it is not your friends that are thinking you are not smart. It is you who is thinking you are not smart, and therefore behaving in a way that makes them say that. 
If you believe in yourself and your capabilities, and feel that you are smart, then your thoughts and behavior will reflect that ‘smartness’ and people will start thinking of you as ‘smart’. Your clothes don’t really have anything to do with smartness. 
You don’t need to be fashionable to be ‘smart’, and if you feel ‘smart’, think ‘smart’ and behave ‘smart’ then dressing fashionably is not that critical. Most people need to be ‘fashionable’ to project an external smartness which may not have anything to do with how smart they truly are. So the bottom line is to believe in yourself. 


Dear Madam
I am currently pursuing my second year engineering (mechanical) in Karnataka. I am from an orthodox family though my thinking is quite free. I have some good friends whom I talk to and spend a lot of time going out and having fun with. The problem is that, 
I do not have any female friends and I hesitate to talk to girls in general. I don't know how to approach a girl and start having a proper conversation. Sometimes I feel that I have to maintain a distance from girls, so that I don’t fall into some unwanted relationship.
M C
Dear M C
Sometimes our social conditioning and family background entrench in us a set of beliefs from which we operate, most of the time unconsciously. You mentioned that your family is conservative and so your hesitation to talking to members of the opposite sex may stem from messages you got around that from your family while growing up.  I urge you to take help in resolving this for yourself, and deep-seated beliefs take time to uncover and then shed off. 
You should either see a counsellor face to face to explore what your fears and anxieties around interacting with girls are based on and how to overcome them. Or you could call the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323  to talk to a counsellor who may be able to help you.

At what price financial freedom

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore, on March 7, 2009]

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

A large number of women are now financially independent and see no need to maintain joint financial accounts with their partners. How wise is this, wonders Maullika Sharma

An increasing number of young and not-so-young couples go for marital counselling these days. While this is a disturbing trend for most, who commonly interpret it to mean that couples are having more problems, I tend to discount their scepticism and believe this is healthy. It means more people are willing to work on their relationships. It also means that less than satisfactory relationships are not acceptable any more. However, there are some trends that I do find disturbing in today's couples. An important one on that list is how couples choose to treat their finances. A larger number of women are now active and equal participants in the workplace. They earn as much as (and sometimes more than) their partners. They are financially independent and see no need to maintain joint financial accounts. He has his bank account and credit card. She has hers. They split the costs of running the house and bringing up the kids 50:50. He splurges on himself, without a care in the world. She does the same. Not having to ask the partner before indulging oneself is the biggest payoff. This is fine during good times. What about the bad times?  What if one partner loses his job temporarily, or has a slump in her business? Taking an even longer term view, what happens if one partner gets disabled? Can he/she assume that the healthy partner will take care of him/her? And if that is the expectation then is that an unreasonable expectation in a marriage? Complicating matters? These and a million other questions come to the mind when couples say they manage their finances independently. Sometimes, in an attempt to guard our space we make even simple things complicated. Today, it is a matter of pride that women are earning as much as men and so want to be, and rightly so, treated as equals. A marriage, however, should ideally be a relationship of two equals, irrespective of who is earning how much. Is financial independence, as defined by independent bank accounts, credit cards and savings, the basis for equality in a marriage? Is such financial independence the only way to protect your space in a relationship? Let's consider the relationship of Rashmi and Suresh — young IT professionals earning equally well. They decided to keep their finances separate to maintain their independence. Initially the arrangement worked well and they were happy. Then Suresh's brother’s marriage was fixed and Suresh needed to contribute towards the wedding. Suresh and Rashmi didn't really need to 'talk' about it, because it was his obligation and he decided how much to contribute. Rashmi neither got involved, nor felt it was any of her business. An opportunity for 'communication' and building a joint goal in the marriage was lost. Suresh worked extra hard, and saved extra hard, to meet his extra financial commitment. Rashmi continued to shop and splurge. She wanted to look stunning at the wedding and that was her only financial need. How would the scenario be different if his money was theirs, and her money was also theirs? First, Suresh would have to 'communicate' with Rashmi. He would have told her how much he wanted to give; he would have needed to check if she was okay with that; they would have to negotiate and arrive at an amount that was comfortable for both of them; they would then both have to work and save extra hard to meet their joint commitment. Control or let go What would it mean for their relationship? They would feel joint ownership for the 'project' — Suresh would feel supported; Rashmi would feel more connected to Suresh. It would facilitate the building of trust between them. Second, it would force Suresh to first consider their financial situation in its totality, and his financial obligations to his family (with Rashmi), before making a commitment for the wedding. It'd force Rashmi to think beyond her individual needs. Could this mutual consideration be such a bad thing after all? It may initially be really hard for either partner to 'let go' of their need to 'control' all their money. If one partner is a spendthrift, while the other is a miser, every amount spent, or not spent, by the other partner, may lead to heightened emotions. Gradually you learn to 'trust' the way your partner handles money. And, hopefully that trust will seep into other areas of your relationship as well. Trust has the potential to become a 'learnt' behaviour — a habit hard to shake off. And in a lighter vein, you may suddenly stop waiting for the Rs 1,000 bouquet on Valentine's Day because you realise you are the one paying for it anyway! It is my opinion that the loss of an opportunity for improved communication in a marriage, an increased level of financial commitment to the family, and a greater level of trust between the partners are too high a price to pay for one's financial independence.

For me, the loss of an opportunity for improved communication in a marriage, an increased level of financial commitment to the family, and a greater level of trust between the partners are too high a price to pay for one’s financial independence. Twenty years into my marriage I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. Not because, my earnings now are a meager percentage of what my husband earns, but because we started out our relationship that way - when the difference in our earnings was inconsequential, and my cumulative savings were significantly higher than his. It was my husband’s vision and I ‘gave in’ (maybe a bit reluctantly at first). Experience has shown me its many benefits.

See a lion in the mirror

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore, on May 2, 2009]

If you realise that you are stuck with a self-image that is not serving you well and is detrimental to your wellbeing, how do you correct it? The first step is to identify your existing self-image and then to come to terms with it. Only then can healing begin

I have a poster in my office which I find extremely powerful. It has the picture of a golden cat with white stripes, looking into a full-size floor-standing mirror. What it sees is a big, powerful lion staring back at it! The caption says,"What matters most is how you see yourself". Imagine that! Just imagine how powerful the cat must be feeling as it looks into the mirror in the morning before stepping out for the activities of its day, believing it is a lion that rules the jungle. To get the full impact of the visualisation, now imagine how it would feel, had it looked into the mirror and seen a mouse stare back! Would it even have the energy to go out and look for food? Would it have the courage? Probably not. It would be too scared even of the other mice, so how could it possibly think of killing them! The difference in both the scenarios is just how the cat sees itself. And, that, is the difference between those who believe they rule the world; and those who believe they are powerless. It is all a matter of how they see themselves. But how they see themselves, or you see yourself, is not merely a matter of looking in the mirror and telling yourself that from that day on you are going to see yourself as a lion, or a horse, or a CEO, or a winner, or a leader or whatever else you please. Unfortunately this self-image gets imbedded deep into our psyche when we are children, and it requires a lot of hard work on our part to change the self-image that we grow up with. As a child, when you have been told by your parents, teachers, grandparents, and the other grown-ups in your life that you are not good enough, you internalise that message subconsciously. Then as an adult when you step into the world, you go into your workplace, your marriage, and your other relationships believing that you are not good enough. You spend your time trying to prove to yourself, and to others, that you are indeed good enough. Life-long impact So, how does this have an impact on your performance at work? You end up being diffident and doubt your capabilities. You constantly seek validation and reassurance that you are doing the right thing. You never believe your contribution is valuable to the organisation. You are happy being a follower rather than a leader. You can never assertively demand a raise or promotion that is due to you (because you don't really believe you deserve it). You spend your time trying to do what your boss, or colleagues, or even subordinates, think is right, rather than evaluating for yourself what you believe is right. How does this have an impact on your marriage, or other significant relationships? You can never take charge of your relationship. You are again dictated by doing what your partner wants you to do. You keep seeking reassurance from your partner. You never believe you are capable of taking charge and taking decisions for your life, and that of your family. You start treating your partner as the superior person in the relationship which upsets the balance of the relationship and is never helpful. If you see your relationship as a seesaw then the seesaw must always be horizontal for the relationship to be meaningful. Relationships work best when they are balanced. If you feel you are the lower one on that seesaw, the other partner by the very nature of the seesaw, will be the upper one. The moment you start believing you are 'not so low', the other partner is forced to be 'not so high'. Balancing this seesaw is the key to having a meaningful relationship. If you start off with a poor self-image the task of attaining this balance is so much harder. Impact on relationships How does this have an impact on your other relationships with your parents, siblings, friends, even kids? You constantly try to please everyone, and may soon find your self living life on everyone else's terms rather than your own. You will never be able to take a stand against any perceived injustices in your relationships because you believe that you are not 'good enough'. So you will constantly do whatever your parents demand and expect of you, to keep them happy. Your siblings and friends will always dictate what they want, and you will cater to their every wish, even if you don't agree with it, because of your over-enthusiasm to please them (and thus establish your worth). Your kids will pretty soon imbibe these inequalities in your relationships with others, and pick up the same cues. Before you know it, they will be the higher ones, on the seesaw between both of you. So, if you realise that you are stuck with a self-image that is not serving you well and is detrimental to your well being, how do you go about correcting it? Or, is the damage done irreparable? The first step is to identify what your existing self-image is. Put a name to it. Acknowledge its existence and analyse whether it is serving you well or not. Figure out how you got it. Trace its origins. Then identify which parts of it hold relevance for you as an adult, and which parts you can discard. This process is not always easy. It can, in fact, be quite hard. It involves deep introspection, either on your own, or with the help of a counsellor. It involves revisiting the not-so-pleasant memories of your past, reliving their pain, and realising how they made you who you are today. It involves acknowledging their irrelevance (and often, that means accepting — painfully — that the parents and other adults you trusted did not always do things that benefited you). This makes your existing self-image much more tangible. It is then easier to shed, or discard, just as it is easier, to throw out discrete pieces of rubbish lying on the floor, than it is to rid the floor of a whole layer of dust that has been settled there for years. If you are just dissatisfied with your self and your life, there is really not much you can do about it till you are able to concretize the dissatisfaction — till you are able to say it is because you feel ignored, or you feel undervalued, or you feel walked over, or you feel cheated. Once you know what it is, and where it originates from, your work is much easier. You are then left with the relatively simpler task of building the self-image that you want, by consciously deciding what it is, and making a plan to internalise it for yourself. Building something new is always a joyous experience, unlike throwing something away which is painful, and often full of memories, remorse and regret. So enjoy the journey of rebuilding yourself, and your self-image.

How balanced are your see-saws?

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore on Sept 19, 2010]

EMOTIONAL WELLBEING While self-doubt can make you feel insecure, inferior, inadequate, anxious and confused, positive feelings can generate positive energy that makes you confident and assertive, says Maullika Sharma

A little wooden seesaw sits on my desk. Carefully picked out from the furniture set belonging to my daughter’s old play house, I didn’t realise when I bought it what valuable lessons about life it would teach me, and how useful I would find it in my work as a counsellor.

Most teenagers, and now even adults, who come to me for counselling end up analysing themselves to answer my question, “How balanced is your seesaw?” It sounds like a strange question. But it isn’t all that strange when you think about it.

In an ideal world, if a seesaw represents each of your relationships with others, then for most relationships (other than the parent/ child, teacher/ student and boss/ subordinate relationship) the seesaw should be horizontal. That means each person on either side of the seesaw should be considered equal. This would imply that both people are equally worthy, capable and competent.

It is, however, not an ideal world and people’s seesaws end up being tipped in one direction or the other. I decided to look deeper into this phenomenon to see how it has an impact on mental health.

We have beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, which result in generating thoughts in our mind. These thoughts are the basis of our feelings and emotions. If the feelings are positive, we feel energised. If the feelings are negative, we feel drained. These feelings result in our behaving and acting in a particular way, which results in consequences that reinforce our underlying beliefs and thoughts.
It sounds quite complicated but it’s actually simple and straightforward. It means that if you change your underlying beliefs and the consequent thoughts, your feelings will change.

Let’s look at this in the context of the relationship seesaw between children. Ram (name changed), the child who came to me with very low self-esteem, had a belief that he was not good enough, worthy or capable. So, when he tried to make friends in school he always thought, “Am I good enough to be their friend?” As a result of his self-doubt, he felt insecure, inferior, inadequate, anxious and confused. He felt drained of energy and motivation. This resulted in his behaviour towards potential friends being tentative, submissive and unsure. He was willing to do anything to gain acceptance into the group. The “others” in his mind were a powerful and superior bunch of kids. Ram did not realise that he was the one giving them all the power! Anything that Ram did was dictated by the “others”. This further reinforced his belief that he, indeed, was not good enough. With each passing day he ended up feeling worse about himself. His relationship seesaw had hit the ground and stayed there.

After counselling, Ram’s side of the relationship seesaw gradually started rising up, which naturally meant that the other side — where the other kids were — automatically started equalising itself and coming down. Not because of anything that the other kids did, but because of the changes that Ram was making within himself.

When Ram started believing that he was good enough, worthy and capable, he started asking himself a different question: Were the other kids good enough to be his friends? His belief in himself made him feel secure, energetic, confident and comfortable. His positive feelings generated positive energy that made him behave confidently and helped him stand up for himself when required. His actions stemmed from the belief that he was equal to the others. He felt more in control.

Imagine the power we give to other persons over us, by allowing our side of the seesaw to sink! They become powerful not because of who they are (over which we have no control) but because of who we are (over which we have total control).

When our side of the seesaw hits the ground, they appear to become a looming power over us. When we regain our balance, they become just one of us. We can then look beyond them, and explore other friends, newer pastures and newer possibilities.

How balanced are your seesaws? It is time for all of us to think about this question. Perhaps, we need to work on some rebalancing before it is too late.