Realign dreams with reality - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[This column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on November 24, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying MBBS. Though I try to study hard, I am not able to focus as I start thinking of the future. I start doubting my ability to understand the subjects and some of the questions that come to my mind are — Will I be able to understand everything? Will I be able to remember everything? Will I be good at clinicals? Will I be a good physician? All these questions eat me up! In short, I lack self-confidence. Please guide me to overcome this situation.
Sadikha Sultana

Dear Sadikha,

I have written extensively in this column on the need to believe in yourself and your capabilities. All my previous columns are archived at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.com. I particularly recommend that you read www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html. You are often limited by your own self-image. If you believe you can do something, you muster the strength, determination, motivation and courage to make it a reality. If you don’t believe you can do it, then you are overcome by self-doubt and are unable to gain the motivation to work towards it. Your beliefs about yourself become like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Having said that, I notice that you wonder whether you will be able to understand and remember everything. It is important to help our brain understand that if you don’t remember ‘everything’, it doesn’t mean you don’t remember anything. Remember that nobody can remember and understand ‘everything’. 

You often need to just be able to access information, not necessarily retain it in your head. To be a good physician does not necessarily depend on how much you remember. It depends also on your ability to listen and relate to people, your ethics and empathy, and your ability to access the necessary medical information when you need to. And as you gain experience and confidence, you will start retaining most of the information you need. There is a reason why more experienced doctors are considered better doctors. Because they learn and become better on the job. 

You cannot control the future and what will happen. But your worry and anxiety about the future has the capacity to immobilise you in the present. So don’t try to control the future. Just live in the present and make the most of it. And don’t forget to believe in yourself. Good luck!

Dear Madam,
I have completed my MSc in Physics with second class. I always wanted to do higher studies and research in Physics as the subject interested me since my school days. However, I didn’t get good marks in MSc as expected. Now, I am worried about my next step, because, if I want to get into research, all educational institutions ask for good marks with valid NET or GATE qualification. But I don’t have both of them. Also, I’m afraid about NET because I am an average student. Now, my family members are forcing me to find a job. They are also suggesting that I take BEd course and become a teacher. So, I am in a dilemma, but I don’t want to kill the scientist inside me!! Please suggest a good path. I believe every problem has a solution.
A confused student

Dear Student,

Sometimes, we need to realign our dreams with our reality. Which does not necessarily mean you give up on your dream but merely find ways to let the different paths converge. If your family situation demands that you become a financially contributing member of the family now, then that is something you may need to pay attention to and look at ways of pursuing your interest in Physics in a way that may permit you to get a job. Being a teacher may give you a great alternative route to pursuing your interest in Physics and Science. It is a reality that the best way to learn something is by teaching it. Your passion for the subject may allow you to teach it in a way that is more enriching to students than most teachers, Passion for the subject is probably the biggest asset a teacher can bring to her class. So, while it is great to have dreams, sometimes, reality takes over, and that may not necessarily be a bad thing. Trust in yourself, and trust in the path that you take. There are no perfect paths, and there is no one right answer. Merely several choices, and many possibly equally good answers. Good luck!

Dear Madam,
I am a teenager with many interests. I grasp subjects easily, but don’t have the patience to study anything in depth. As a result, I am not able to achieve the maximum in both curricular and extracurricular activities. My teachers and family say that I have talent, but I lack dedication and hard work. My problem is that I get bored easily and cannot sit in a place for long unless I am playing a videogame. Please suggest some ways to improve my attitude. 
Nesar

Dear Nesar,

You may want to check with a psychiatrist and get tested to see if you have concerns around your attention span. If you do, then taking the help of a psychiatrist can help you stay focussed on what you want to do. Having said that, it is important to remember that everyone is different, and maybe you are just the kind of person who likes a width of knowledge and experience, instead of a depth of knowledge. There is a place in society for both kinds of people, none is better than the other…they are just different! To help you change your attitude and understand yourself better, you may find it beneficial to take the help of a counsellor who may help you identify and modify some underlying irrational beliefs that you may be operating from. I am not sure which city you are in and if you have access to a counsellor. You could call the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323.

Don't let negativity bring you down - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald on November 3, 2016]

Dear Madam,
My Class 12 results did not come as expected and I had to take a year off. I feel I have failed in some ways as my plans didn’t work. Though my parents are supportive, I am unable to shrug off the feeling that I have disappointed them. What can I do to overcome this and ensure that my future plans work out smoothly? 
A worried student

Dear Worried student,

Failure is always an event, never a person. So, while you may have failed at an exam, that does not mean you are a failure as a person. There is more to you than your exam results, so don’t let one set of marks define your worth.

Your parents may have been disappointed with your marks, but that is not the same thing as they being disappointed with you. Very often we make the mistake of equating the two. I think it will be great if you can meet a counsellor who can help you alter your thought patterns so that they are not as negative and obstructive as they are now for you.

Dear Madam,
I am a seventh semester Mechanical engineering student. I daydream a lot and always feel stressed. As a result, I am unable to focus on studies. Doing a morning jog and taking frequent vacations haven’t helped. I have stopped using my mobile too. But nothing is working. 

Sometimes, I get addicted to bad habits because of stress, which eats up much of my time. You are my last hope. Please suggest how to manage stress and focus on studies. 
A stressed student

Dear Stressed student,

I am a bit concerned about your mention of being addicted to bad habits and I am not sure what you are talking about. Having said that, addiction of any sort is harmful because it makes us feel like we don’t have a choice, or any sense of control. Whereas in reality, we do. Often the addiction is an escape mechanism — an escape from facing the reality; a short-term relief. My question to you is — what are you escaping from? What is your fear that you are trying to run away from?

A lot of our stress is the result of our thought patterns and it is always helpful to try and understand our unhelpful and irrational beliefs that are making us think the way we are and causing us distress. If we are able to alter our beliefs, we can change our thoughts which in turn makes us feel better and behave differently.

I think it will be really helpful for you to work with a counsellor, and if you don’t have access to a counsellor in your college, call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 for free counselling support.

Dear Madam,
I am a PG student with a good academic record. I usually don’t gel with others. This makes others think that I am an egoist and that I have an attitude problem. I don’t like unnecessary talks. Very often, I get angry for no reason. I am trying hard to correct myself but in vain. I always feel that no one likes me. I just want to get out of all this. Kindly guide.
A depressed student

Dear Depressed student,

It sounds like you may have some anger within you which you have not expressed or acknowledged. And that anger sometimes surfaces for no reason because it has no legitimate outlet. At times, it may even be interfering with your ability to connect meaningfully with others and hold long-term relationships. You may also be having some irrational beliefs around what is necessary and what is unnecessary, how people should behave, and how relationships are meant to be.

I think you could benefit tremendously from counselling which will help you understand and manage your unexpressed anger, recognise your irrational beliefs which are driving the way you relate to people, and change your unhelpful behaviours that are interfering with your ability to relate to people. Feeling angry is okay.

But unless we know how to express it, it can either eat us up from the inside, or destroy everything that comes in its path, often unknowingly. It is said that hanging on to anger is like hanging on to a piece of hot coal.

Unless you get rid of it, it will burn the hand that is holding it. And if you don’t get rid of it properly it will burn other things in its path. If you dispose it off appropriately it will not cause any

lasting damage.

Dear Madam,
I am a third year LLB student. When I start studying a topic, I feel that I know it already. Hence, I am not able to concentrate and always neglect studies. Kindly suggest ways for me to concentrate on studies.
Akshay Raj

Dear Akshay,

It will be helpful for you to understand yourself and your past patterns. How have you been doing academically in the past? You don’t mention anything about that. When you feel you know a topic, have you actually known it and how have you performed in your exams with that knowledge.

If you have been doing well, then your confidence may be holding you in good stead, allowing you the flexibility of focussing on other aspects of your life. However, if you have not been doing well then think about how things may have been different if you had focussed. How would you like them to be different, if at all? And why? It is important to find your own motivation. This is not something someone else can give you, and even if someone else does, it will be short-lived.

So, think about why you are studying? How is it going to help you? Who are you doing it for? What do you envision for yourself two years down the line? Five years down the line? Ten years down the line? Treat these as your milestones and work out a plan to reach each milestone.

When we don’t have a goal we are walking towards, it is often hard to find the ways and the means of getting there. Quite like travelling with a destination in mind (which allows you to gauge how you are doing on your journey) and just travelling aimlessly (when you have nothing to judge your travels by). Good luck!

Dear Madam, 
I have just joined a new job. Although I like the job, I am finding it a bit overwhelming as I am not getting the necessary support I thought I would. As a result, I am finding it a bit difficult to integrate with the team successfully, despite many attempts to do so. 

Could you kindly suggest some ways that can help me position myself better, so that I can contribute more effectively and be a part of the team? 
A stressed employee

Dear Stressed employee,

I understand that you are feeling overwhelmed in your new assignment and would like some support from the existing team. Sometimes it is okay to ask for the help you need. Have you asked and not got a response, or have you been uncomfortable to ask? Often we hesitate to ask because we feel we should know the answer and that if we ask, it will make us look bad.

It may help you to read an article I wrote earlier in this newspaper titled “How balanced are your seesaws?” (www.bit.ly/2eAhYY5) which may help you understand some of your internal reasons for feeling uncomfortable.

The more comfortable you feel with yourself, the more comfortable you will feel with your team. It may be helpful to work with a counsellor to help you overcome some of your roadblocks. All the best!

Concentrate on your strengths - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald of October 6, 2016]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student with a good academic record. But I am unpopular among friends and relatives because of my outspoken nature. I also have the problem of pointing out others’ mistakes. In spite of conscious efforts, I am not able to control myself. It also makes others feel that I am trying to show off. Kindly guide me.
Aditi

Dear Aditi,
It is good that you are aware of your behavior that may be interfering in your relationships with people. It is possible, however, that you may be just reflecting what others have told you about yourself. Is this your opinion, or is this what others have told you that they want you to change? If it is based on an opinion others are expressing about you, you need to think about whether you agree with that point of view. 

Bear in mind that Indian culture does not like people to express their opinions very openly, least of all young girls. Girls are expected not to have too much of an opinion on anything, and they are definitely not expected to express it openly. So think about it. What aspects about yourself do you want to change, and what are those aspects that you are saying you want to change to please others. Unless you are being rude or offensive, and hurting people deliberately, I think it is important to be able to form an opinion and express it, if needed.
I would like to differentiate here between having an opinion, and being overly judgmental about people. Not everyone will have the same opinions as you, and not everyone will do things the way you would do them, or like them to be done. Everyone is different. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, just like you do, and it is important to always remember that people will be different from you, but that difference is not necessarily bad. It is just different. 

So long as you accept others points of view, having your own and expressing it is not a problem. It is when you believe that your way is the only way, your opinion is the only valid opinion, and that you are the only one who knows best, then it becomes a problem. There is space for many versions of people, and many points of view to coexist peacefully in this world. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a girl studying in II PUC. I am overweight. Right from my childhood, I have had issues with my weight. Earlier, only my relatives used to taunt me for being fat, but now even my college mates make fun of my obesity. Although, I try to brush them off most of the times, I get hurt when the comments get nasty and really personal. What do I do? I am not ashamed of my weight, but it would help if everyone else stopped putting so much pressure on it.
A stressed girl

Dear stressed girl,
You cannot control what others say and do. Today you may force one group of people to stop teasing you about your weight, but tomorrow another group may start. The only thing you can control is what you think, feel and believe about it yourself. Weight is just one of our physical attributes like so many others. It is the meaning we ascribe to it that makes it positive or negative. If you believe you would like to cut it down, there are many choices before you to help you down that path whenever you want. 

However, if you believe that you are comfortable with who you are and reducing your weight is not something you want to spend your blood, sweat and tears on that is your personal choice and you are absolutely right about choosing it. Others will reflect what you feel about it. If you are comfortable with your weight and don’t really care about what others are saying, then turn around and tell them that your weight is your business, not theirs and that they should focus on their business. Or you can turn around them and be honest to them and tell them what their comments make you feel and you would appreciate if they did not make those comments. 

So, yes, you can’t control who says what, but you can control your response to whatever anyone says. So go ahead and respond appropriately. Let people know how their comments make you feel because you are important, and your feelings are 
important. 

Dear Madam,
I am a college-going guy who has always maintained above average scores. I have this constant need to be right and perfect all the time. And when things don’t go my way, I get anxious and worry till everything gets back to normal. This incessant worrying affects my studies badly sometimes. Is this an anxiety attack? What do I do in order to prevent such instances again?
An anxious student

Dear anxious student,
Anxiety can manifest in many ways, and in extreme cases may lead to a panic attack where you actually feel physical discomfort. While perfectionism is often interpreted to be a positive trait, it can in fact have very negative consequences and is often at the root of a lot of anxiety that people have. I think you would benefit tremendously from being able to discuss your concerns with a counsellor who can help you uncover your irrational beliefs about the world, and the various ways in which anxiety may be hampering your progress. Anxiety results mostly due to the fear of future and the unknown. 

Negative thoughts can create havoc with our emotional stability and our ability to focus and be productive. If you are able to meet a counsellor face to face, that’s great. If not, reach out to counsellors at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 and they will be able to assist you. 

Anxiety can create havoc, but is also something that can be managed by altering our world-view and thought process. So get the help to do that now. Good luck!

Dear Madam, 
I am a PUC student. My good friend and I stopped talking to each other over a year ago due to some differences. Ever since, I find it difficult to share anything openly even though I do try to do so. As a result, I am finding it difficult to make new friends and even keep in touch with my current friends. I constantly find myself thinking about how we could have made our friendship work. This is affecting me in living my life to the fullest now. Kindly guide me as to how I can get out of this ‘pit’ of self-hate and how I can regain control. 
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It is not for no reason that it is said that one can be one’s own worst enemy because of one’s own negative thoughts and self-critical inner voice. I understand that you are still grieving at the loss of an old friendship and may be you have not been able to process that event completely for yourself and are therefore finding yourself stuck. 

It may be helpful for you to get the help of a counsellor who can help you work through your thought process and help you understand the irrationality and negativity of your thoughts. Counselling will help you move to a place of acceptance of yourself and the circumstances so that you can live in the present. Things happen in our lives which we cannot control. Sometimes we could have done something to prevent them, while at other times we could not have. Nevertheless, we need to accept situations and move on. 

Nothing is to be gained by self-blame. Understand the lessons about life, people and relationships that incident has taught you. Be thankful, you got an opportunity to learn those lessons early on. Be mindful of your present, and be conscious to not make the same mistakes again. That will help you move on and enjoy the things and relationships life still has to unfold for you. All the best.