Chart your course carefully - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 3, 2017]

Dear Madam,

I’m a 15-year-old girl in Class 10. Everybody tells me I’m pretty, but I don’t have a boyfriend. All my female friends have boyfriends, crushes or some guy who likes them. I feel very left out because of this. I feel there is something missing in me because no boy likes me. How do I deal with this? Please help.

Priyanka

Dear Priyanka,

Have you ever considered the fact that the reason you don’t have a boyfriend or a crush right now is because you have not liked anyone so far? Could it be possible that no one has yet matched up to your likes? It is not only about your being good enough for the other person that is a benchmark of your worth. It is also about the other person being good enough for you and meeting your expectations. Why would you settle for anything else? May be your friends are not as discerning in their choices as you.

After all, you don’t want just anyone for a boyfriend. You want someone who deserves someone as special as you. You are valuable and worthy – don’t let someone else’s choices decide your worth or who you are. Use this time to learn from others about relationships. See them make mistakes, because, at age 15, that is probably what they will make.

Learn from their mistakes. And then step into your own relationships when you are ready and wiser. This is not a race that you have to win. This is the journey of life and each one is allowed to go on that journey at their own pace. And in the meantime if someone asks you why you don’t have a boyfriend, tell them you haven’t found someone worth your time yet.

Dear Madam, 

I have recently joined my first job. Though I’m satisfied and happy with my work, I have realized I don’t belong here and can do something more. So I decided to prepare for competitive exams and joined some weekend classes to be regular with preparations. I have so many plans in my mind but I can’t complete or stick to the plan. I can’t understand if I’m lazy or a procrastinator. I just keep telling myself I want to do this and that, but end up doing nothing. Because of this habit, I have started feeling low and have developed a feeling of inferiority. There is a constant reminder that I’m good for nothing. How can I overcome this and stick to my plan and routine?

Ashwini 

Dear Ashwini,

Whenever you chase a lofty goal, it is important that you chart the course carefully and document the milestones along the path so that you don’t lose your way. This is as true for an ambitious journey as it is for life. So, what is your destination? What are the milestones you have marked along the way?

What are the timelines you have set for reaching each milestone? And how do you plan to celebrate reaching each milestone? All this becomes easier if you mark your milestones. You then can quantify how much of the path you have covered and how much is left. You can also celebrate each milestone you cover, as it brings you one step closer to your goal. Do the same with this. Document your main goal. Break it up into smaller goals. Set dates and timelines to the smaller goals.

Celebrate each success, and take stock whenever you miss it to see what you could have done differently to have achieved it. Learn from your missed targets and celebrate the achieved targets. Please remember that often we are our own worst enemies. By thinking negatively about ourselves and predicting doom about the future, we are doing ourselves a great disservice. Take time to understand why you choose to predict doom, and think negatively about yourself, rather than predict a bright future and believe in yourself and your worth.

Dear Madam,

My son often gets anxious and stressed around the time of his exams and when he has a lot of homework. While I do try to help in alleviating it to some extent (such as making him do deep breathing), it does not seem to help. Could you kindly suggest some ways as to how I can help him deal with his anxiety and stress more effectively?

Rekha

Dear Rekha,

I have written a lot in these columns about exam-related stress and anxiety. You can access two of my articles on this subject which will help you understand the phenomena better. 

Demystifying exam anxiety - http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html  

Why exams are nothing to worry about - http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html 

It may be helpful for you to let him work with a counsellor to help him overcome this. Exam-related anxiety is all about how you interpret the importance of exams in your life, and how you interpret your own success in life to be a function of your marks. Counselling will help him gain a new perspective on this which will hold him in good stead.

Dear Madam,

My daughter, who is in Class 7, doesn’t get along well with kids of her age. Fights and conflicts with friends have made her think that no one likes her. She is very straightforward and says things to their face. But she feels bad that she doesn’t have friends whom she can count on. Please help.

Vivek
Dear Vivek,

Friendships during the teen years can be very challenging as children try to find their own place in the world, and often base their worth on what their friends think of them.

I would suggest that you let your daughter get the help of a counsellor, because at that age, when values and beliefs are still in their formative stage, it is easier to influence them positively, than it is at an older age. The dynamics of peer relationships are often a reflection of one’s own relationship with oneself.
Understanding that can really help put them in perspective and interpret them more positively. A little bit of help at this time may facilitate her being able to enjoy meaningful friendships going forward.

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education page on May 28, 2015]

Dear Madam

Ever since I started high school my dad and I have had problems. As the years went by I realized what I was doing wrong and changed with the help of a therapist. But it seems that no matter what I do, I can never gain his approval. He wants me to be clean but I can never do it to his standard. He wants me to have good grades but my one B upsets him. He thinks I’m not a normal teenager because I don’t want to spend every second of my free time cleaning rather than watching TV or playing video game part of the time and cleaning the rest. If I don’t keep my room clean for one day he turns off the wi-fi and the cable. I have learned to bite my tongue in most situations but I’m at my wit’s end, I don’t know how to deal with his controlling behavior any longer without snapping, and I can’t tell him how I feel (ever) because he thinks I’m trying to be manipulative. Please, I need advice, any advice is better than none.
(name withheld)

Dear adolescent

A big part of adolescence involves individuating from your parents, and forming your own identity – figuring out who you are, what you like, what you dislike, who your friends are, what you want to do, and not do. In this process you will go through the process of liking some of the traits and beliefs of your parents, and disliking some of them. This is a healthy process and it is good that you are able to engage with it. Unfortunately, parents sometimes are not able to make this transition along with the child, and don’t allow the relationship to evolve from one that is autocratic to one that is more democratic It may be helpful for you to go for some family counselling which will help you understand your parents, and help them understand you. They are, after all, doing what they believe is in your best interest; they just don’t know how to do it effectively. You could all do with some help and you could try suggesting it to them. Your parents will have their own set of issues which will surface during the time of family therapy.

In the meantime, whenever you have a disagreement and want to say something, try telling him how that makes you feel, instead of focusing on what your father said or did. For example, if he tells you to clean up your room when you just did it, don’t shout back, or question him on why he keeps telling you to do it. Just say “when you keep asking you to clean the room, I feel hurt/ sad / frustrated/ angry/ put down/ not good enough” or whatever it is that you feel. What this approach does is, it takes the focus away from what he is doing (which naturally will make him, or anyone in his position, defensive) and brings the focus to how you are feeling (and I am quite sure his aim is not to make you feel the way you do, just that he does not realize it). Hope this helps.

Dear Madam,

There is a girl I like in one of my classes at school. It started off as an observation, but then I became interested, so I decided to offer her the seat next to me in class, and she accepted. After our class work was finished we talked a bit but that was only for two days. I learned that we share interests in music and literature etc. Well after that we didn’t talk but we smiled at each other and said “hi” and “bye,” and then winter break happened. When we came back I continued the same greetings. I want to be more than her friend, but I don't know how. That is why I ask you for assistance before the school year is over. By the way some traits of hers: She’s quiet and doesn’t have a lot of friends. I’ve only seen one or two. She’s a good student, also a bit slow in responding. She also doesn't look people in the eyes, talks very quietly. She’s lazy — meaning that she told me she just goes home and watches TV. Basically I’m asking you should I make a move — asking her for her number or asking her out for a walk to the park? Some of my characteristics are like hers. 
P M 

Dear PM
I am not in a position to tell you whether you should make the first move or not. If your heart tells you to, do it. What are your fears around it? Learn to take a risk. But that is what it is – a risk. Which means there is a 50 per cent chance that she may accept your first move, or a 50 per cent chance she may reject it. You will need to be able to interpret the fact that she does not accept your first move appropriately (in case she does not accept it). Which means that you must not see it as a rejection of you, but just that she was not ready for something more at this time. It also does not mean that because you like her, she has to like you. Nor does it mean that if you like her at this point in your life, your feelings are going to stay constant forever and that she is the one for you. A relationship involves two people, and if you are willing to take the next step with an open, exploratory stance, then go ahead and take the risk. Remember, this is not a final destination or goal, nor is she a trophy to be won. She is another human being with her own sets of choices, likes and dislikes, and she has every right to express them.