Chart your course carefully - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 3, 2017]

Dear Madam,

I’m a 15-year-old girl in Class 10. Everybody tells me I’m pretty, but I don’t have a boyfriend. All my female friends have boyfriends, crushes or some guy who likes them. I feel very left out because of this. I feel there is something missing in me because no boy likes me. How do I deal with this? Please help.

Priyanka

Dear Priyanka,

Have you ever considered the fact that the reason you don’t have a boyfriend or a crush right now is because you have not liked anyone so far? Could it be possible that no one has yet matched up to your likes? It is not only about your being good enough for the other person that is a benchmark of your worth. It is also about the other person being good enough for you and meeting your expectations. Why would you settle for anything else? May be your friends are not as discerning in their choices as you.

After all, you don’t want just anyone for a boyfriend. You want someone who deserves someone as special as you. You are valuable and worthy – don’t let someone else’s choices decide your worth or who you are. Use this time to learn from others about relationships. See them make mistakes, because, at age 15, that is probably what they will make.

Learn from their mistakes. And then step into your own relationships when you are ready and wiser. This is not a race that you have to win. This is the journey of life and each one is allowed to go on that journey at their own pace. And in the meantime if someone asks you why you don’t have a boyfriend, tell them you haven’t found someone worth your time yet.

Dear Madam, 

I have recently joined my first job. Though I’m satisfied and happy with my work, I have realized I don’t belong here and can do something more. So I decided to prepare for competitive exams and joined some weekend classes to be regular with preparations. I have so many plans in my mind but I can’t complete or stick to the plan. I can’t understand if I’m lazy or a procrastinator. I just keep telling myself I want to do this and that, but end up doing nothing. Because of this habit, I have started feeling low and have developed a feeling of inferiority. There is a constant reminder that I’m good for nothing. How can I overcome this and stick to my plan and routine?

Ashwini 

Dear Ashwini,

Whenever you chase a lofty goal, it is important that you chart the course carefully and document the milestones along the path so that you don’t lose your way. This is as true for an ambitious journey as it is for life. So, what is your destination? What are the milestones you have marked along the way?

What are the timelines you have set for reaching each milestone? And how do you plan to celebrate reaching each milestone? All this becomes easier if you mark your milestones. You then can quantify how much of the path you have covered and how much is left. You can also celebrate each milestone you cover, as it brings you one step closer to your goal. Do the same with this. Document your main goal. Break it up into smaller goals. Set dates and timelines to the smaller goals.

Celebrate each success, and take stock whenever you miss it to see what you could have done differently to have achieved it. Learn from your missed targets and celebrate the achieved targets. Please remember that often we are our own worst enemies. By thinking negatively about ourselves and predicting doom about the future, we are doing ourselves a great disservice. Take time to understand why you choose to predict doom, and think negatively about yourself, rather than predict a bright future and believe in yourself and your worth.

Dear Madam,

My son often gets anxious and stressed around the time of his exams and when he has a lot of homework. While I do try to help in alleviating it to some extent (such as making him do deep breathing), it does not seem to help. Could you kindly suggest some ways as to how I can help him deal with his anxiety and stress more effectively?

Rekha

Dear Rekha,

I have written a lot in these columns about exam-related stress and anxiety. You can access two of my articles on this subject which will help you understand the phenomena better. 

Demystifying exam anxiety - http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html  

Why exams are nothing to worry about - http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html 

It may be helpful for you to let him work with a counsellor to help him overcome this. Exam-related anxiety is all about how you interpret the importance of exams in your life, and how you interpret your own success in life to be a function of your marks. Counselling will help him gain a new perspective on this which will hold him in good stead.

Dear Madam,

My daughter, who is in Class 7, doesn’t get along well with kids of her age. Fights and conflicts with friends have made her think that no one likes her. She is very straightforward and says things to their face. But she feels bad that she doesn’t have friends whom she can count on. Please help.

Vivek
Dear Vivek,

Friendships during the teen years can be very challenging as children try to find their own place in the world, and often base their worth on what their friends think of them.

I would suggest that you let your daughter get the help of a counsellor, because at that age, when values and beliefs are still in their formative stage, it is easier to influence them positively, than it is at an older age. The dynamics of peer relationships are often a reflection of one’s own relationship with oneself.
Understanding that can really help put them in perspective and interpret them more positively. A little bit of help at this time may facilitate her being able to enjoy meaningful friendships going forward.

Get back into a positive path - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of July 3, 2014)



Dear Madam
I am in class 10 from June onwards. I am really pleased by your advice. I read a recent article in the paper about maintaining positive attitude. I tried several times. I was successful sometimes in controlling my mind, but not always. Please suggest me to get rid of this problem. 
A student

Dear student

Yes, it is great to maintain a positive attitude, and what is wonderful is that you are trying to do that. However, do remember, that we are all human, and it is not possible, or realistic, for us to expect that we be positive 100% of the time. So if there are times when you slip up, you don’t need to beat yourself up over it. Just recognize that you are moving away from yours positive attitude and remind yourself to get back onto the positive path.

But how do we get onto the positive path? Primarily by learning how to re-interpret situations, events and people in our mind, from being disastrous and things you can’t stand, to just being minor hurdles and irritants along your journey of life. For example, if you don’t do so well in an exam, you can interpret to mean you are a failure, and your whole life is doomed, and everything is lost.

This is naturally a negative path that will cause distress. Or you can interpret the situation to mean that maybe you need to put in more effort in that subject, or get some additional help, or try and understand what went wrong so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes again. This is naturally a more positive approach because it focusses on learnings and actions which may be irritants but are not defining in a negative way.

Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam
I am a 15 years old. I love art, graphics and other creative arts and I feel I can excel at it. But my parents are not too keen on it and force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. What should I do? Study or focus on arts?
Aspiring artist

Dear aspiring artist

Even if you love art and graphics, and want to focus on that, studying other subjects as well can’t hurt you because education never goes waste. If anything it will give you a wider perspective on life. So don’t use your interest in art as an escape from studying, and a justification not to study, but rather as one way that you have the privilege of being able to use to enrich your life. You are lucky in that art is something you can always pursue along with your other subjects.

 The other subjects are not only for you to clear exams, and get jobs, but also to give you a wider and more holistic view of the world, to understand and be able to deal with the world we live in in a better way.

Do you think you are a smarter person today because of your having the privilege of being able to study other subjects all these years, or do you believe that you would have the same choices in life that you have now, had you not studied all these years. Studying gives you choices and opens up doors. Why would you want to give up that option and close doors that have the potential for opening? You are too young to close the doors ahead of you.

And while you are thinking about this, try and understand your parents’ perspective on why they want you to study, and try and explain your passion, point of view, and plan because being able to communicate and negotiate is a key life skill.

Dear Madam
I have finished attempting a competitive exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again. I don’t have the courage to face my family. I am really scared as I have disappointed them. Please help. 
A student

Dear student
Let’s be honest. Is this about facing your family, or is this about facing yourself! Firstly remember, failure is only an event. It is never a person. And an event also finishes and life moves on. So yes, you may have failed at an exam. And you may have failed twice. But YOU are not a failure. YOU merely failed at an exam, and you can take stock and learn from that experience. What were the mistakes you made, what do you think you could have done differently, and other such questions. And once you learn from this experience you can take the exam again and ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes again. However, that is assuming this exam is something that you want to clear.

You could also ‘learn’ that this exam is not for you, and you would rather explore another avenue, and go down the path of defining, exploring and pursing the alternate path that you would rather go down.

Your goal in life should not be to satisfy other’s expectations and keep them happy, but to live to your own potential, satisfy yourself and keep yourself happy. Everyone has to take responsibility for their own happiness. Please take the help of a counsellor on this journey to discover meaning for yourself, if necessary. You can either see a counsellor face-to-face, or reach out for help to the Youth Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323.

Dear Madam,
I completed my MCA last year. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.
A student

Dear student,
It is okay for you to realize, after studying something, that you don’t find it interesting and you would not like to spend your life working in that area. You must enjoy the field you are working in, for it to be meaningful, enjoyable and not stressful. So if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that.

However, and here is the caveat. What is it that you enjoy and would rather be doing? Be clear about what you want, not what you don’t want. And that is the harder thing to define. It is not so much about family pressure, as it is about you knowing for yourself. If you are clear about what you like and want, then by all means disregard family pressure and follow your passion. We often end up blaming family pressure for our choices, but the truth is that very often we use that as an easy escape path, because finding our own path and then taking responsibility for our success and failure in it, is quite a weighty burden. It is much harder to say that I made a choice and I didn’t like it, than it is to say that the family made the choice for me and I didn’t like it.

So, this is a time to be honest to yourself. Discover your strengths and weaknesses, and discover what you would rather do. And once you have these answers, but all means go for it, because it is after all your life – you need to define it. Just a word of caution, on this path you may need some help from a counsellor so don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

There are many paths to success - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of June 12, 2014]

Dear Madam

I am 18 years old and I want to pursue medical education. I passed my class 10 with 90%. Since I was interested in doing medicine, I opted for PCMB .But from the beginning of Class 11, I was not able to get the marks which I used to get in school upto the 10th. As a result I lost confidence in myself. I struggled hard to score. Istill didn't get good marks despite my hard work and I finished my 11th standard with a mere 60%. The same continued in the 12th as well. As a result of my low confidence I just scored 63%. I wanted to score above 90%.I have not done well in my medical entrance tests either. So, madam, please suggest something which helps me regain my confidence so that I can bounce back, because I have a great desire to achieve my goal.

Mallikarjun Virat

Dear Mallikarjun

Exams and marks have a way of putting stress on us like nothing else, because we start seeing them as benchmarks for how good we are. We have to learn to believe in ourselves, and our capabilities, no matter what marks we get. There are many paths to success and the moment we allow ourselves several options we start reducing the importance we attach to just one option. Also define what success in life means for you. You may be currently defining it as getting into a medical college, or pursuing a medical education. The moment you are able to redefine it to something larger as being a “good doctor” or “as serving people” you will find many more options. There can be many ways of being a good doctor, and getting into the top medical college is not the only path. That may be one path. However, if you are dedicated to your task, getting into other not so famous colleges can give equal opportunity. And then recognize, that medicine is not the only profession before you. You can be a success in life, even if you don’t pursue medicine. Is your interest in medicine stemming from a personal choice, or have you been made to believe that that is the only respectable path to follow?

Dear Madam,

I am a 2nd year PCMB student. Previously I was studying under the Karnataka state board syllabus. Since I am new to this NCERT syllabus I need your guidance. I have an aim to join the AFMC, Pune. For this purpose I need to take up its entrance exam. Every year around 1 lakh students aspire to take up this exam and there are only 130seats. This is an army institution. I wanted to join army, as my elders advised me to get into army with some basic graduation and I accepted to do so.  Since the past two years I am very keen to become a surgeon in the army. The most disappointing thing is there are only 25 seats for girls. The competition is very high. I am getting baked under my own pressure. I really don’t know how to come out of this pressure. I got 81.6 per cent in the first PUC. Can you please advise me how to train up to face this pressure created by myself? I am not able to meet my own expectations. Daily I am battling with myself. I can’t concentrate for more than an hour. But I want to study at least 14 hours a day. I very badly want to get into AFMC.  I love to serve my country. Please tell me some tips to improve my logical thinking. As I need to study both 2nd year and 1st year’s portions, howdo I manage time?  I know I have asked a lot of things but please help me I really need some expert advice. It’s my dream of getting into this institution, I really can't express my desire in words. I know that I only get what I deserve and not what I desire. But I want to become deserving. Please help.

Varsha Shankar 

Dear Varsha

You are deserving and what you desire is well within your reach. However, I think you need to aspire for the right goal. It is very honorable of you to want to serve your country. However, I don’t think you necessarily need to think that getting into AFMC is the one and only way to serve the country. There are many paths to an end goal. Our stress gets the better of us when we start thinking there is only one path to reach our goal and if that path gets blocked we are doomed. If your end goal is to serve your country, and as a surgeon in the army from AFMC is only one path to it. Also remember, if one door closes, and alternative door always opens up, provided we allow ourselves to recognize it. It is only when we are open to many options can we reduce the stress of going ahead with only one option.

You are right, if you are stressed you will not be able to focus. Stress builds up from anxiety, and your anxiety is about there being only one path to your goal, and not knowing what to do if that path closes. Redefine your goal and broaden it. That will allow you the possibility of seeing many options ahead of you. Some amount of stress is good because it motivates you to work hard. However, too much stress is counter-productive because it overloads your brain and prevents you from being able to concentrate and focus. Allow yourself to visualize other possibilities in your life and you may realize that there are many options you can work with.

Work can do wonders - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Feb 23, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am a second-year, B.Com student and I come from an agricultural family. I have studied in Kannada medium till Class 10. My ambition is to become a chartered accountant. But I also have familial responsibilities to handle before that. I have scored 76%, 81% and 72% respectively in three semesters, but 90% is my target. I am a hard worker and dedicated but still I cannot reach my target. Am I overconfident of my skills? I have the following questions:

*I studied in Kannada medium. Is that getting in the way?
*Why am I securing marks between the above percentages only? What steps can I take to reach my target?
*How can I avoid being overconfident?
*My father suggests I take up a job after completing B.Com and pursue an MBA through correspondence. Is that possible?
Swapna G

Dear Swapna
I feel that you may have clarity on this matter by meeting a career counsellor. However, here is what I feel about the questions you have raised. You say your ambition is to complete CA. Let me caution you — while you may like to complete your CA exam, your ambition should not be to complete the exam, but to become a successful chartered accountant. The exam is not a goal in itself and does not guarantee success. The exam is merely a necessary stepping stone to your becoming a professional in that area. I am sure if you put in your best effort, you will be able to achieve whatever it is you want. Remember that marks are only stepping stones, and not goals in themselves. They are also not guarantors of success in life, which depends on many other things, the least important of which are marks.

I am not sure how you have arrived at the conclusion that you are overconfident. Are you not putting in your best effort? If that is the case, then it is creditable that you have that self-realisation. The only way around that is to put in 100% of your effort. Focus on the effort, not the marks, because the only thing you can control is your effort, not the marks. Nothing is a problem, if you are aware of it and willing to work at overcoming it. English is the language of the business world in most of India, and a good working knowledge of English will definitely help you. But the problem can be easily overcome by focusing on it and taking English language classes.

I am not sure if M.Com really adds any value, unless you are going in for further higher education and academics. For a job in the corporate world an MBA would be more beneficial. However, I do feel that doing an MBA after working for a couple of years is more advantageous. So even if your family needs are pushing you towards a job now, you could always do an MBA a couple of years later when things have settled down.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 (ICSE) student with a Science, Math and Computer combination. I performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue to perform like this, I won’t be doing very well in the pre-boards and Boards. I constantly forget theories and keep mixing them up. I don’t know why I can’t focus on my studies. I am distracted by the computer, mobile, etc.

While studying, I keep confusing one theory for another, especially in subjects such as Physics and Chemistry. I am afraid to share these concerns with my teachers. My parents don’t understand the issues. I have tried following time tables but that has not helped either. I need some help in focusing. Please help.
Student

Dear Student,
You seem to be really tense about your exams, and it seems that your anxiety about the future is not letting you focus on what you need to do in the present. I have talked about this often in this column before and I want to point you to a couple of my articles which address this issue. Please read them if you get a chance. It’s not the end of the road at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
and Why exams are nothing to worry about” at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html

It is very important for you to feel relaxed in order to be able to concentrate. Try some yoga and deep breathing to help you calm down. Let technology be a tool that helps you, not one that makes you a slave to it. The reason you get easily distracted is because you are tense, and the distractions become an easy “escape mechanism”. You say that you are shy to discuss these concerns with your teachers. We are generally shy when we think we are not good enough and therefore, feel the need to hide. Remember that you are not alone in having these anxieties and fears about exams, and your teachers probably have many students come up to them with the same fears. To have fear is normal. It does not make you any less worthy or capable.

Don’t let the fear overpower you. Talking about it makes it somehow seem manageable. So talk about it, not only to your teachers, but also to your parents. I am not sure I understand why you feel your parents are unapproachable. Sometimes, we build barriers in communication in our mind and they are not based on any reality. Try talking to your parents. They may surprise you by understanding.
All the best.

Never Lose Hope -Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Jan 25, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a 23-year-old, third year engineering student. I want to become an entrepreneur (businessman) and then branch into psychology. How can I achieve this? I want to meet and attend talks by Vishweshwar Bhatt and other such successful entrepreneurs. I want to set up a business venture after I complete engineering. Please advise.
ABC

Dear ABC,
Let me try and simplify your thoughts in this question first. You have a dream of becoming an entrepreneur and setting up a business and may be pursue a second line of work at a later stage in life. You are looking for guidance on how you can achieve this and would like to find a mentor who can help you polish your skills and guide you to success. You seem to think that by attending seminars by successful people, or spending time with them, you will somehow imbibe the techniques which you can replicate.

Well, yes, getting a mentor to guide you can be helpful, especially if you are not in a situation where someone from your family or friends can play that role. However, there is no one formula of success that they all use, and many devise their own formulas as they go along.

So even if you do not currently have access to them, do not feel that there is no hope. I am sure you have access to teachers and others in your college who will be happy to play the role of mentors. Talking to them, expressing your desires and fears, will help you straighten out your thoughts and gain clarity on your path forward. Once you have clarity on your path, you will know how to proceed. Remember, however, to break up your ultimate goals into smaller achievable goals so that you can get a taste of success as you go along. Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am a 25-year-old male. I have always studied in Kannada medium (school and college). I have a huge complex with regard to my communicative skills in English. I can’t express my thoughts and emotions in English. I cannot speak fluently and I make grammatical mistakes. I have dreams of living in a foreign country. Or maybe becoming an IAS officer one day. I lack the confidence to speak in English in public. Please help me. This has been a huge issue for me. I have even contemplated suicide and I have lost the will or confidence to succeed in life.
Student

Dear Student,
I understand that you have a dream of speaking fluent English and see that as a passport to success in life. That is something that is easily achievable because you want to do it, and you are willing to work hard for it. There are many English language classes you can attend. I don’t know which part of Karnataka you are based in and if you have access to such classes. But, I am sure if you are keen on it, you will find a way to get to the classes.

What I would really like to address in this question is why you are allowing this to cause you so much emotional distress. You say that you even attempted suicide because of your distress on this account. If ever you feel that way again, or even if you don’t but want to settle your emotions regarding this, I suggest you see a counsellor, or use one of the free counselling helplines where you will be able to discuss your concerns in a confidential manner.

If you believe in yourself and your capabilities, then you will be comfortable telling your friends that while English may not be your current strength area, you would like to focus on learning it and they should help you if they can. If you are aware of your other strengths (of which I am sure you have many), you will be able to take their input as a feedback and turn it to your advantage and ask them for help instead. If you believe that you are actually not very capable then you take their laughter as an attack on you and feel hurt about it.

Don’t pretend that you are good at the language. Instead try telling them that you would like to learn English better and they should help you if they can. If we are honest about our weaknesses and our desire to learn (which we can only do if we are confident about ourselves), then people find it admirable rather than amusing.

It becomes amusing when we pretend to be a master and our lack of skill comes through. And we often put on this facade of being an expert because we are afraid of saying that we don’t know something. So, tell yourself that you are an expert when you actually are. And, when you are not, have the courage to tell yourself that you may not be an expert yet, but you are still worth it, and you are still valuable.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10, ICSE student and I am really tense about my performance in the upcoming preparatory exams. Last time, due to stress, I only caught an hour of sleep before the day of the exam and I ended up forgetting what I had studied. My parents tell me not to get tense, but I always end up feeling stressed out, anxious and tense before I enter the examination hall. Please give tips on how to study before an exam and on how to remain calm before writing an exam.
Student

Dear Student,
You are not alone in feeling tense before an exam. Many students feel the same way, which is why I wrote an article some time back on the same topic. Please read it at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html. I think it will help you put things in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it seems like the most important thing in the world, and it appears like your whole life depends on it. When you give it this kind of importance, and allow it to be the most defining event of your life, you are naturally going to feel stressed and tense about the outcome.

Have a Clear Mind - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Education Supplement of Deccan Herald on January 12, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC (state syllabus) student. I have finished my mid-term exams and one test. I am not satisfied with my performance. My Class 10 score is 75 per cent. I used to score well above 95 per cent earlier. But I am unable to attain high scores in college as I find it difficult to learn the subjects. How I can improve my scores and my level of concentration while studying? How many hours should I devote to studying?
Chaithra M N

Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study. Remember, putting in your best effort, is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. Sometimes, that may not result in the maximum marks, because marks are dependent on many external variables over which you may not have control. But, if you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I have scored average marks in the mock tests. But I am confident of scoring above 95 per cent in the coming test and final exams. But when I sit down to study, I am haunted by memories of the past and I lose interest in the subjects before me. I can’t share my feelings with my parents. I am a sensitive girl and silly things hurt me a lot. How can I study with an uncluttered mind? I am also very short-tempered.
Thirtha Rai

Dear Thirtha,
It is very important that you deal with your past if it is bothering you so much. From your letter it seems that you don’t talk to anyone about them, because of which your mind is always preoccupied with them. If your mind is not free, then how will you be able to concentrate on your studies? I suggest you speak to someone you trust, or to a counsellor, who can help you. If your school has a counsellor, that may be your best bet. My sense is that these unresolved sorrows are also leading to your anger which keeps surfacing.
What are your fears about sharing your feelings with your parents? Sometimes, our actions and our fears are based on irrational beliefs that we must learn to challenge and then change.
The best way to deal with anger, is not to suppress it, but to express it in a non-destructive way. Try maintaining an anger journal which will force you to think about your anger after every angry episode. Think about what made you angry, how you expressed it, whom did you express it to and what did it do to your relationship with that person. Do this every time you get angry so that the story of your anger is there for you to see and revisit and analyse once the incident is over. Also remember, every time you are angry, count to 10, and ‘let it pass’ before flying off the handle. When we are angry, our amygdala (the feeling part of the brain) hijacks the thinking part of the brain and does not let us function normally.
If none of this helps, then get the help of a counsellor. You could also call some free counselling helplines which may be helpful.

Dear Madam,
I am a third-year engineering student. I have always been the class topper. I have never had any close friends. I used to be a loner in school. After school, I joined a Diploma course in Bangalore. I made new friends in college and ended up neglecting my studies. Are my friendships causing my grades to fall? If yes, then how can I overcome that and get back my percentage.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Remember, that life has to have many dimensions at the same time for it to be meaningful and enjoyable. It does not have to be only studies, or only friends. In fact, it should not be one or the other. You must be able to maintain a healthy balance between the work that you need to do, and spending time with your friends.
Possibly because you never had friends earlier, studying was your way of escaping that reality. And you justified it to yourself saying it was important to keep getting good marks, and that you could not do that if you had any friends. Now, that you have tasted the joy of having friends, you may be trying to catch up for lost time by focussing only on your friends and not on your work.
I am glad you had made friends, and are learning to enjoy life as well. However, be careful about not falling prey to peer pressure. In the fear of losing your friends (and maybe having to go back to your friendless days) don’t lose yourself. Don’t just blindly follow everything they say. Remember, you come first. You need to respect yourself and your needs, and others will automatically learn to respect you.
Friendships cannot give trouble. They add meaning and a very important dimension to your life. However, you cannot give up control of your life to your friendships. You have to keep the control with you, so that the friendships are a support to your success, not an excuse for your failure. All the best.

Have a Goal - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on December 29, 2011]

Dear Madam,

Until Class 10, I performed well academically (80 per cent aggregate). But when I graduated to PUC, my performance began to go down.It took me three years to complete my PUC II and I only managed to secure a 46.3 per cent overall and 47 per cent overall in Physics, Chemistry and Math. My parents, who believed in my capabilities, decided to give me another chance and got me a COMED-K seat in an engineering college. Again, I failed to make it to the second year because I had seven arrears. I know that I am capable of scoring 75-80 per cent in Engineering. I prepared my own notes but I could not deliver.

I set a time-table to study for 10-12 hours a day. The first day, I manage to get three to four hours. The next day, I take a break. I then begin to make a fresh time-table. I have wasted three years. I want to overcome these hurdles. I am 21 years old. I don’t have friends. I have two younger sisters. And I wish to set an example for them. Please help.

Sanjay S H

Dear Sanjay,

I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, or someone else you trust, to figure out for yourself what is blocking you in achieving your potential. You maybe distracted due to something, or someone, and this is holding you back from putting in your best effort. Or, you maybe depressed and unable to focus on what you need to do.

You may also need help in formulating a goal for yourself which will motivate you to not be idle. It is possible that you don’t have a goal or a dream that you are working towards. You seem to be fortunate to have a family that is supporting you and therefore, are not pressured on that front, however, sometimes pressure spurs us on. My advice to you would be to go look for your goal, and then go about achieving it.

Dear Madam,

I am currently in PUC II (Science). I have taken up Biology as an optional paper. I quite enjoy this subject along with Physics. What throws me off are the applications. This is scary as I am aware that the CET papers test one’s application skills. My class scores are quite good, but my reasoning ability is average and I lag behind in solving CET sample papers.

I am also confused about my next step. I don’t know whether to opt for engineering, medicine or any career-oriented course. If I want to pursue engineering, I need a solid ranking to get a seat in one of the best colleges. But since my skills in tackling the problems are average, I have little hope that my ranking will be high. Please help.

Disha

Dear Disha,

I think you should follow your passion. If your passion lies in studying Biology, then you should go right ahead and explore all possibilities which will help you leverage that passion. I am sure you have the ability to apply yourself even in your Physics problems, though you may need more practise to get a grip on the technique. However, often passion is what makes the difference between our success and failure in a particular field. So, if you are passionate about Biology, you should pursue it. I get a sense that you feel that is not a good enough option and you feel pressured to pursue Physics or Engineering. Just follow your heart. All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a Class 10 student (State syllabus). I am confused about what career path to choose. I am doing quite well in school. Math is the only tough subject. I like Biology and do well in it.

My parents feel that I should pursue Aerospace Engineering as it has more scope and is quite different from the rest. But I think it will be very hard for me. I have always dreamt of becoming a paediatrician some day. What should I do?

Sushmitha

Dear Sushmitha,

If you dream of becoming a pediatrician, and you find Biology as a subject you can handle comfortably, then why are you doubting yourself? You are in a much better situation than many of your peers. Most of them have no dreams that they are chasing, and most of them have no clear-cut areas of interest.

If you have both, I am not sure what the self-doubt is about. You may want to understand from your parents why they are keen on Aerospace Engineering, and you should be able to convince them on why you would rather be a pediatrician. I am sure that if you are able to communicate your passion and dream to them, they will support you. They probably feel you don’t know what you want to do and, therefore, are trying to guide you.
All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a PUC I student (State syllabus) with a PCMB combination. I have just finished the mid-terms and I am not satisfied with my performance. My overall percentage in Class 10 is 75. I have always been a class topper and I don’t know how my grades have dropped. I want to be able to ace these tests. Please tell me how to improve my concentration while studying. How many hours should I spend studying, in a day?

Chaithra

Dear Chaithra,

Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study.

Remember, putting in your best effort is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. If you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.

Good luck.

Be clear about your goals - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on September 29, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I have completed SSLC and I am very interested in writing horror and children’s stories. I also like to solve mental ability questions, and my IQ is good. Will these help me in my career, and to reach my goal? Can you suggest some exams or careers through which I can continue to write stories and solve mental ability exams? But my parents won’t support me, that's the problem.
Rashmi S

Dear Rashmi,
I think you need more clarity on what your career aspirations and goals are. Writing stories is a great talent. You can choose to make it your career, or you can choose to keep it as a passion that you indulge in for pleasure.

The choice is really yours. Having a high IQ, and being good at mental ability questions is also a great strength, but by itself it cannot get you to a goal, nor can it become a career. It can support you in whatever career you choose.

While it is good that you have been able to identify two of your strengths which are also things that you enjoy, it will be important for you to think deeper about what career choices will play to these strengths. I am sure that as you give it more thought, you will gain clarity on which path you should follow.

If your parents see clarity in your thought, and a passion to do what you are proposing, I am sure they will support you. I suspect their lack of support is because they don’t sense that clarity right now. However, even if they don’t support you, and you believe in it, then you must chase your dreams and let the others watch from the sidelines.

Dear Madam,
I am in PU II. My problem is that I don’t have a common goal in life i.e. sometimes I wish to become a doctor, and sometimes a mechanical or genetical engineer, and sometimes I wish to become a scientist or CA. Then again, I want to become an IAS or Army officer, or politician, etc. I even wish to join NASA. But my main aim is to bring my nation and parents name. Can you help me to come out of such a confusion. Please help me reach my goal.
Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,
You seem to have a lot of possible choices that you would like to pursue. It is time now for you to narrow down those choices. My suggestion is that you should connect with someone from each of these fields that you have mentioned, and spend some time talking to them about their work. That will give you a first hand account of those professions, and also give you clarity on what the jobs entail. This would then make the choice easier.

Your objective really should be to be successful (however, you define it) and bring about happiness for yourself. If in the process you make a name for yourself, then let that be the icing on the cake. Your objective should not be to make a name for your parents, or your country, but for yourself, because that is what you want. If you make it your life’s mission just to make others happy, then that is an elusive target, completely out of your control, which you may never achieve. Begin with what makes you happy, pursue that with passion, and I am sure you will get success. Your parents’ happiness will directly flow from this. Their happiness is not a goal you have to achieve. It is the fruit of your labour in the process of making a name for yourself.

Dear Madam,
I am now a II PU student. I know this is a turning point in my life. But, when I hear about the tsunamis, earthquakes and other natural calamities I think the world is going to end. Then I think I should not study. I spend nearly 10 hours in college and two hours at tuitions. I hardly get time for self reading. Can you help me manage my time in order to get a good rank and marks?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
I think it is important that you work through your fear of natural calamities, with the help of a counsellor. While it is important to be careful, one cannot live in fear, and that too, fear of something that no one has any control over.
So if this fear is hampering your normal functioning, I suggest you get some help.
If you are having a problem managing your time, then you should take stock of how your day is being spent. What are you doing and how productive is it? This is the time in your life where you need to prioritise your activities so as to be able to focus on your academics.

If you find that there is no time for self-study, then you may want to either reduce your tuition time, or cut out some of your other activities. Getting good marks is important, and helpful, but the most important thing is to learn what you are studying, and enjoy the process.

Communication is the Key - Ask Our Counsellor Q & A Column July 7, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 7, 2011]

Dear Madam,
Even though I’m very patient with my friends, I lose my temper with my folks at home. My parents comment on each and every move of mine. I really don’t intend to offend them, but sometimes I lose my control . They seem to oppose everything I do which makes me feel I’m incomplete and always wrong. Please suggest a remedy for my problem.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you feel suffocated by the constant monitoring of your parents. You also feel that they do not have confidence in you, or trust in your capabilities. This makes you feel inadequate and incapable.

What stops you from having a conversation with them about how their behaviour makes you feel? Our teenage years are when we individuate from our parents, and define ourselves. Parents often tend to miss this dynamic taking place, and end up being either judgmental or uncomfortable with their children taking on different points of view. They often don’t recognise their child’s growing need for some space .

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is the result of your feeling some other primary emotion — like feeling lonely, sad, guilty, inadequate, unloved, unworthy, and a host of other feelings. It is important for you to be able to identify your underlying primary emotions which result in your feeling angry. And, then discuss this dynamic with your parents.

If you feel unable to have this conversation with your parents on your own (because of your heightened emotions), I suggest you see a counsellor on your own (who can help you deal with your emotions), or as a family (so that the family dynamics can get sorted out). Communication is the key. I am sure your parents don’t have bad intentions. If this is causing you discomfort, then the onus to resolve this lies with you.

Dear Madam,
I completed my PU but failed to perform well in CET. I aspire to be a great doctor. Please help me. I’ve planned to write CET again next year. But I often get bored with books. Staying all alone at home, I waste my time watching TV. My parents don’t let me touch a cell phone or laptop. Help me in concentrating on my studies.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
I commend you for clarity on your ambition and aspirations. And, also, for the fact that you want to be, not just a doctor, but a great doctor. Unfortunately for the path you have chosen you would need to put in a lot of hard work and there are no shortcuts for that. However, the motivation for the hard work has to come from within you. And, if it genuinely is coming from within you, then you would not feel bored working towards your goal.

I am not able to reconcile the first part of your email to the second part. You would not be complaining about not having access to a cell phone or laptop, and watching too much TV. It seems to me that your parents are putting in these controls to help you work towards a goal that they have set for you. I think you need to search within and see what is it that you genuinely want. Once you have found that, you will have no time for distractions if you are truly committed to your path.

Break goals into manageable targets : Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column - February 10, 2011

The following queries answered by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt February 10, 2011

Dear Madam

I am a Class 12 student. I got very good grades in my Class X exam but my grades dropped in Class XI. Since then I have become careless. I tend to waste my time using Facebook and Twitter. I have large goals in my mind. Please help me out.

Distracted Student

Dear Distracted Student,

You say that you have large goals in your mind. The only way to achieve them is to work towards them. Sometimes, when the goals are too large you tend to get overwhelmed by them and in the process tend to get distracted easily. You may feel that what you are chasing is too large and too difficult, and you don't know how to do it. It seems easier for you to take a break for a while, or rest for a while, with your distractions (i.e. your online activity). If that is the case, I suggest you break your goals into smaller, more manageable targets which are easier to achieve. As you achieve each target you have a feeling of success and satisfaction that motivates you to move to your next target.

Let me illustrate with an example. If your goal is to get to the top of a mountain (like Mt. Everest) you may feel overwhelmed at the thought. Where do you begin? How do you do it? etc. However, if you break this goal into multiple smaller goals, the task appears more manageable and less overwhelming, For example your smaller goals could be - join a regular trekking club for local treks around Bangalore; join a group trek going up to the foothills of the Himalayas; get physically fit; raise enough money; trek up to the Everest base camp at 17,600 ft from Lukla; scale the Khumbu Icefall to reach Camp 1 up to 19,500 feet; reach Camp II at 21,300 feet; scale the Lhotse Face and climb to Camp III at 23,500 feet; climb to Camp IV at 26,300 feet; finally reach the summit. Breaking the large goal into multiple smaller goals gives you a roadmap of the path you need to follow. You can then focus on the path and not feel lost (quite like if you were trying to reach an unknown place without a map).

Having this map helps you stay focussed, and gives you a sense of accomplishment after every step. This propels you towards achieving your next step. Now's the time for you to stay focussed. There is plenty of time for distractions later. Identify what is overwhelming you and break it down. All the best.

Dear Madam

My son is in Class XII. He has been doing well academically so far and was focussed about wanting to become a doctor. Now suddenly, he has lost focus and is keen on pursuing a career in photography. How do I steer him back on course? He is going to waste his life and doesn't see any merit in what I am saying.

Anxious mother

Dear Anxious Mother,

What would it mean to you if your son took up a career in photography? I would like you to think about this, before answering. Would it mean that you have been a failure as a parent because you have not been able to steer your son towards a traditionally accepted career. Had he chosen to become a doctor, would you have felt more validated as a parent? The important thing is to be able to steer your child towards a path of excellence in whichever career he chooses. Would you rather he became a doctor, hated it, and remained miserable all through his working life, because of a wrong career choice (made for him by you). Or would you rather, he became a top-notch photographer, loved his work, and enjoyed every minute of his career. If he chooses his path, he is not going to hold you responsible for his success or failure at it. If you choose his path, he is going to hold you responsible for his failure at it (should it happen).

As parents we have anxieties about our children’s future success (as we define it). I think it is important for us to deal with our anxieties and learn to handle them, so that they don’t colour our relationship with our children. Your unresolved anxieties don’t need to be passed on to your child.