Work on your communication - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on October 1, 2015]

Dear Madam
I have found that there is a large difference in my classmates’ levels of confidence, meaning a few students dominate group work to the detriment of others. While I have belief in my own judgment, I do not seem to be able to convince others to listen and take my perspective as seriously. What can I do to get myself heard? Should I tackle the loudmouths?
A student

Dear student
I am not sure what you mean by ‘tackle the loudmouths’? It is always better to try and bring about changes which are within us and over which we have control, rather than attempt at trying to change and control things that are outside of you and over which it is inherently impossible to have any control. So rather than planning to ‘tackle’ the external elements, it would be good for you to identify what changes you can bring about within yourself to generate the changes you want in your environment.

There are two fronts that you can work on. Firstly, you can work on communicating to the group what their behaviours are making you feel. Sometimes people behave in certain ways without realising the impact their behaviours are having on others. So don’t say something that is accusatory and challenging what they do. Try using an “I feel…” statement which says “when you do this, I feel…”

This way, you are not questioning and challenging them (which would no doubt make them defensive) but you are just stating what you feel and that becomes an issue about you, not them. There is nothing right and wrong about your feelings. Feelings just are and it is important to articulate them sometimes.

Secondly, you can work on how you can make the communication of your points more assertive. Can you modify your communication technique in any way? Can you gain the confidence and strength to take charge of the discussion? Can you communicate your points clearly? Can you take on a leadership role in a project?

The next time you have to work in a group, can you be the first one to take charge of the leadership position. It is important to believe in yourself, and believe that you are as good as the others in the group. That gives you the confidence you need to behave in a more assertive manner and get your points heard. You may benefit from reading the following articles which were published in this newspaper earlier.
http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

Hope this helps. All the best

Dear Madam
I am 15-years-old. Recently, I went to see my friend, a classmate, and we met up with some others. I updated my mother constantly to let her know where I was, but when I got home (five minutes late) she was angry with me. What can I do to make her trust me? My dad was fine about it.
BCDear BC
It would help for you to ‘communicate’ with your mother and try to understand her feelings and concerns that caused the anger. People don’t just get angry. They get angry because of something else that they are feeling and to understand someone’s anger, it is important to understand those unexpressed feelings. So have a conversation with your mother about what she felt when you got late. It is important to be able to have a rational, calm, cool-headed conversation if you want to make some progress here. It will be futile for you to get defensive and aggressive.

The objective of the conversation must be for you to understand your mom’s anger, and for you to communicate your own feelings when you felt you did no wrong. The key is to focus on each other’s feelings, not on the behaviours.

Hope this helps in strengthening the relationship you have with your mom. It will be wise to remember, though, that trust once broken is hard to re-establish and takes a lot of time. So you are better off not betraying your mom’s trust in the long run — to the extent that you can.
All the best.

Dear Madam
My studies are affected because a classmate is constantly absent and borrows my notebooks. I’m the one who gets it in the neck from the lecturer, when I am sometimes unable to submit my work in time. How do I shake off this classmate, without making a big fuss about it and without annoying her?
VR

Dear VR
It is important for you to try and understand why you are not able to say ‘no’ to her and why you are so worried about annoying her. It is okay for you to be assertive (not aggressive) about what works for you, and what does not. It is not important for everyone in the class to like you. Just like you may not like everyone in the class equally, it is okay for some in the class to not like you as much as others. Often we believe that everyone must like us, and if we say “no” to something they may stop liking us and that will be a terrible situation. So try and understand why you are not able to either say “no” to give her the notebooks, or being firm about your expectations with respect to her bringing your notebooks back in time. It is not possible to please all the people all the time, and it is not necessary. So understand yourself to help you resolve this dilemma. What is the worst thing that could happen if she did get annoyed with you?

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education page on May 28, 2015]

Dear Madam

Ever since I started high school my dad and I have had problems. As the years went by I realized what I was doing wrong and changed with the help of a therapist. But it seems that no matter what I do, I can never gain his approval. He wants me to be clean but I can never do it to his standard. He wants me to have good grades but my one B upsets him. He thinks I’m not a normal teenager because I don’t want to spend every second of my free time cleaning rather than watching TV or playing video game part of the time and cleaning the rest. If I don’t keep my room clean for one day he turns off the wi-fi and the cable. I have learned to bite my tongue in most situations but I’m at my wit’s end, I don’t know how to deal with his controlling behavior any longer without snapping, and I can’t tell him how I feel (ever) because he thinks I’m trying to be manipulative. Please, I need advice, any advice is better than none.
(name withheld)

Dear adolescent

A big part of adolescence involves individuating from your parents, and forming your own identity – figuring out who you are, what you like, what you dislike, who your friends are, what you want to do, and not do. In this process you will go through the process of liking some of the traits and beliefs of your parents, and disliking some of them. This is a healthy process and it is good that you are able to engage with it. Unfortunately, parents sometimes are not able to make this transition along with the child, and don’t allow the relationship to evolve from one that is autocratic to one that is more democratic It may be helpful for you to go for some family counselling which will help you understand your parents, and help them understand you. They are, after all, doing what they believe is in your best interest; they just don’t know how to do it effectively. You could all do with some help and you could try suggesting it to them. Your parents will have their own set of issues which will surface during the time of family therapy.

In the meantime, whenever you have a disagreement and want to say something, try telling him how that makes you feel, instead of focusing on what your father said or did. For example, if he tells you to clean up your room when you just did it, don’t shout back, or question him on why he keeps telling you to do it. Just say “when you keep asking you to clean the room, I feel hurt/ sad / frustrated/ angry/ put down/ not good enough” or whatever it is that you feel. What this approach does is, it takes the focus away from what he is doing (which naturally will make him, or anyone in his position, defensive) and brings the focus to how you are feeling (and I am quite sure his aim is not to make you feel the way you do, just that he does not realize it). Hope this helps.

Dear Madam,

There is a girl I like in one of my classes at school. It started off as an observation, but then I became interested, so I decided to offer her the seat next to me in class, and she accepted. After our class work was finished we talked a bit but that was only for two days. I learned that we share interests in music and literature etc. Well after that we didn’t talk but we smiled at each other and said “hi” and “bye,” and then winter break happened. When we came back I continued the same greetings. I want to be more than her friend, but I don't know how. That is why I ask you for assistance before the school year is over. By the way some traits of hers: She’s quiet and doesn’t have a lot of friends. I’ve only seen one or two. She’s a good student, also a bit slow in responding. She also doesn't look people in the eyes, talks very quietly. She’s lazy — meaning that she told me she just goes home and watches TV. Basically I’m asking you should I make a move — asking her for her number or asking her out for a walk to the park? Some of my characteristics are like hers. 
P M 

Dear PM
I am not in a position to tell you whether you should make the first move or not. If your heart tells you to, do it. What are your fears around it? Learn to take a risk. But that is what it is – a risk. Which means there is a 50 per cent chance that she may accept your first move, or a 50 per cent chance she may reject it. You will need to be able to interpret the fact that she does not accept your first move appropriately (in case she does not accept it). Which means that you must not see it as a rejection of you, but just that she was not ready for something more at this time. It also does not mean that because you like her, she has to like you. Nor does it mean that if you like her at this point in your life, your feelings are going to stay constant forever and that she is the one for you. A relationship involves two people, and if you are willing to take the next step with an open, exploratory stance, then go ahead and take the risk. Remember, this is not a final destination or goal, nor is she a trophy to be won. She is another human being with her own sets of choices, likes and dislikes, and she has every right to express them.