Don't let others decide your worth - Ask your counsellof Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on January 21, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in class 10 (CBSE) in a residential school. I have lost all my hopes to achieve what I want in academics. When I was in the junior classes, I was the topper of my class every time. After class 8, my academic performance went weak.

Now I have scored 86 % in the first semester examination. Sometimes I feel it is because of the heavy syllabus. But I have no difficulty in understanding the subject. Everyone who is average, is performing well. I have an exam fear.

I can’t tolerate the tension when I see the question paper in the exams. I put in all my efforts. But I am not getting the results. Please suggest me ways to overcome my exam fever and to gain confidence.A student
Dear student,

The fact that you are facing exam anxiety is not unique to you. Many, many students face anxiety before their exams – especially major exams like the one you are going to take. If your school has a counsellor, I suggest you reach out  for help. Sometimes, a trusted teacher may also play that role effectively. Counselling will help you understand your fears and anxieties and how to face them.

Alternatively, you could reach out to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323, which is  free of cost. You will be able to reach a counsellor on the phone who will be able to help you. I have written a lot about exam fear in this column, and all my previous writings can be found on my blog Personalorbitchange.blogspot.in

You could go through the earlier columns and I am sure many of your questions and fears will get answered there. I want to particularly draw you to two articles I have written on this topic which I think will be helpful for you: Why exams are nothing to fear about? (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and Demystifying exam anxiety ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html ).

Dear Madam,

I am in class 10. My board exams are in another few weeks. But, I am not able to concentrate on studies because all my classmates complained about me to my teacher. Now, everyone thinks that I am a bad person. I feel I am being isolated. Please help me out.

Akshara Rao
Dear Akshara,
Just because someone said something about you does not mean that becomes the truth. Also, why are you giving others so much power that they decide whether you are a good person or a bad person? No one is a ‘bad’ person — you may have done something ‘bad’ but that does not mean you are bad in totality. And what gives the others the power to decide whether you are good or bad.

That is something you need to believe and decide about yourself. If you believe you are a bad person, then that is what others start reflecting around you. So believe in yourself. Know your strengths and capabilities and know that everyone has some weaknesses. But most importantly, don’t allow others to pass a decisive judgment on you. They only have that power if you give it to them.

If your classmates complained about you to your teacher, that does not mean that you are not a ‘good’ person and that no one should interact with you. But if you start believing that about yourself then others start thinking that way too.All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a 17-year-old student. I just graduated class 12. I wanted to study medicine, but did not get a suitable rank. But I was so determined to get into medical at that time, that my parents allowed me take a year off for the preparations of competitive exams. Now I don’t know why but I’m not able to concentrate or control my mind. I seem to be getting distracted a lot while studying.

Exams are nearing and I am getting tense about the results. I did not join any coaching institute as my parents told me self-preparation is the best way. I thought it won’t be that difficult since I had already gone through the syllabus once. But now, I am facing difficulties. I don’t know what to do. I am starting to doubt my own abilities. I still want to study medicine, but I am starting to feel that I won’t get a good rank this year too. Please help me.Vasudha
Dear Vasudha

You need to believe in yourself. Maybe you are not being able to concentrate because of anxiety around the exams. Because you took a year off to prepare, you may be feeling under pressure to do well. Remember that this entrance exam is not an end in itself. It is just a means to an end. And if you don’t do well in this exam, it does not mean that you are a total failure.

All it means is that you may need to look for some other doors that may open for you, some other opportunities that may come your way. It is good to pursue your dream and give it your best shot. But if you are not able to achieve it, it does not mean that all is lost. As for needing help, there is still time and you may still be able to get some help.

You could get some help with a one-to-one tutor who could just work with your doubts and that may help give you some confidence. Meanwhile, you may also want to read this article on exam anxiety which may be of help http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. All the best.

Focus on your dreams - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 19, 2013] 

Dear Madam,

I am a professor (PhD in Pharmacy) and my husband is an engineer (Mechanical). My son is doing Engineering from a reputed college but he is not doing well. He has already lost two years and is still in the first year. He was not good at studies while in school also and he got only 50% for PUC. We put him to Engineering thinking that somehow he will manage. But he has become disinterested in studies now and says he wants to go for modeling and enter film industry. He is good looking and tall. So he is getting the confidence as all his friends say he can become a hero. Since I am in the education field since 25 years, I feel bad about him dropping studies. What do you suggest? Because of this I have health issues also. Please advice.
A concerned mother

Dear Mom,

As parents, we have to learn to let children live their dreams, not ours. We have to be able to separate our issues and concerns from those of our children. We have to be able to address our anxieties and disappointments for ourselves, and not pass them onto our children. Ultimately all parents want their children to be happy and do well, but the mistake we make is we feel that the path we suggest/know/want is the only way to be happy and do well.

We have to learn to watch while our children make mistakes, and then recover from the process, in their journey towards their goals and dreams.

I understand that you are an educationist and both you and your husband are well educated. You would have liked the same for your child, because that is the only proven way for you towards success and happiness. However, if you are able to separate your life’s journey from his, you will let him embark on his journey with confidence. His desired journey is not ‘wrong’ - it is just different from the one you would have chosen either for yourself, or for him.

Also it would be helpful to remember that his choice of goals and paths is not a measure of whether you have been a ‘good enough’ or ‘successful’ parent, or not. Often we are concerned about what society will say about me as a parent if my child chooses this path. Society will only reflect back to you, what you feel about it. If you are comfortable with it, you will not allow what anyone says to impact you.

Ultimately being in a career in which he is not interested, or not able to do well, for whatever reasons, is not the path to happiness for anyone. Do you want him to blame you for his lack of success in his career all his life, or do you want him to take ownership and responsibility for his life and do what he believes will make him happy?

We have to accept that our children, whom we love with all our heart, may make choices that are different from ones we would have made, and that they may even fail in some of those choices, but that is their journey of life, which will teach them lessons along the way. We must just remember to still love them as best we can.

Dear Madam,

I am a second PUC Science student. I had no dreams till Class X, but suddenly there was a lot of pressure on me about studies by my family as they wanted me to work hard. From Class V to IX, I was just a lazy boy - I did not complete my notes,and was a dull student in my class. As time passed by, all my family members began to make fun of me. They used to say I was useless and wanted me to work in garages, so I was very upset. From then onwards I started studying. For SSLC, I just studied for four months and was able to score 68%. All my family members were shocked to hear that I had passed SSLC with 68%. My father himself had doubts about it. That night, I sat and thought about whether to opt for Science or Commerce. I decided on Science and worked hard day and night. I work a lot but am unable to score well. Now I am in the second year. Now there is another problem about the entrance exams this year - It will be ISEET. I take coaching from a reputed lecturer in my city. I am interested in Physics, for which I scored 89% in the first year annual examination. There is a relative of mine who finished his B.Sc in Nautical Science and today he is a captain who earns Rs 14 lakhs per month. But I am a backbencher.

Abdul

Dear Abdul,
I notice from your letter that despite what others around you say about you, if you set your mind to do something, you do it. Even though you did not do academically well till Class IX, because you did not focus on it and were ‘lazy’, once you decided to work you did so well that people around you were surprised by the results. You need to focused on doing what you like to do, and putting in your best effort to achieve what you want to achieve. This is not about what others want of you, or what others say about you - this is about you, your dreams, your life, and what you want to make of it. Don’t let others’ judgements of you define you. Do an honest assessment of your own strengths and weaknesses, your dreams, the opportunities available to you, and the threats that may stop you. By going through this process, get to know yourself better, and let that define you.

Labels that are given to us in childhood by adults around us, have a nasty way of sticking to us and appearing to be the truth. We often carry that baggage along for the rest of our life, unless we become aware of it and consciously choose to discard it.

Dear Madam,

I and my wife are worried about the academic performance of our 11-year-old only son, who studies in Class VI. Either of us are always with him when he sits to study. Besides coaching, encouraging and motivating him, we help him in all aspects of his home work, but his marks graph has been going downward for the last three years. As far as we understand, he attempts all the questions during exam but makes a lot of spelling mistakes resulting in loss of marks for every mistake. In the end, he is awarded less mark for that particular question or no marks at all. Overall he ends up with less grades in each UT/Term exam.

His study pattern is thus: reading the particular chapter of the text book which is being taught in the class during evening or morning hours, identifying hard words and writing them over and over again for two to three days, undertaking dictation for whichever words he can’t write properly, and practicing those for another two days. He reads repeatedly till he memorizes all the answers, meanings, fill in the blanks etc., and answers them orally.

But this method is not helping. We bought online maths tuition for only maths to help him but did not have much success. Can you suggest a better way for him to do well in his studies? One observation we made all these years is, while reading text, many a time, he reads words which are not there in the text at all ( For example, adding ‘s’ where it is not given). He does this even though words are familiar to him and he knows how to read them. He wears spectacles with 3.5 power. We take him for regular checkup in April every year and replace spectacles as prescribed. He was born in the seventh month of pregnancy. Is that determining his studies? Please help. Except in studies, he is very active and mingles with friends, browses computer, uses mobile, in fact tells us some times things we don’t know.

Chandramohan

Dear Chandramohan,

When I read your letter I can sense your anxiety around your child’s academic performance, and I would urge you to get some help to deal with that anxiety first, otherwise you will project that anxiety onto your child in all your interactions and that is not going to help the situation. Address your fears around the matter and see what is driving that anxiety. Take the help of a counsellor in doing this, if possible.

Secondly, please recognize that your child is more than just his academic achievements or lack of academic achievements. He will have other strength areas which you must discover, nurture, cherish and value. He may have weaknesses as well, but that is normal and so do all of us. We need to be able to recognize them and work around them. I do not know enough about your child’s academic abilities, but if you have concerns on that score, you could get him tested to see if he needs any special assistance in certain areas.

Thirdly, I am not sure how much time you insist him to study when he comes back home. It should not be more than an hour or so a day at this level. You need to be able to transfer responsibility to him, and get him motivated to work on his own, without your constant monitoring and assistance. Maybe if you let go a little, he may be able to take more ownership for his work, and feel more of a sense of satisfaction in doing it.

Fourthly, please focus on effort, not on marks. Ultimately he needs to put in his best effort to perform at his optimum level of capability (which may be different from other children, and may not get reflected in marks). Also, please focus on his understanding the material and what he is doing, not on memorizing things he does not understand. That is a very short-term view of studying. Let learning and rewarding effort be the goal, not the memorizing and rewarding marks.

Visualise Your Dreams - Ask Your Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of November 7, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I'm studying 2nd PUC (science-PCMC). I was a bright student when I was in my primary school and was able to achieve more than 90% in my exams. But as the days passed i.e. in my high school, my performance dropped and I got 82 percent in my CBSE exam. Friends was not a problem at all. All were toppers in my group except me. Later on this became even more worse and I got 61% in my first PUC and I truly feel my performance is decreasing even more this year. To be honest, I had good concentration in the beginning but as I cleared my high school and PUC my concentration and interest towards studies kept decreasing every year. I'm very worried about this. When I sit to study, I get the feeling of doing something in life but that momentum is only there for about half an hour. I get distracted very easily. I think "I will do it after sometime" and ultimately the day passes. That leads to studying the whole lesson a day before the exams which I don't want to happen. I really want to get out of this mess. I really want to prove myself. My parents have great hopes on me and they encourage me pretty well. Their words pump me up for the day but that is gone as the day passes. And by the way, I go to tutorials. I find organic chemistry and physics numericals tough; the other subjects are pretty manageable. I take more time than an average student to study. I don't have any problems with languages or with computer science.

I think time management, concentration, determination and hard work have been a major concern for me. I think if I mend my ways, I’ll be on my track but I don’t know how to. I have a very busy schedule on all the days and barely get time to study. I get a day off on Thursday from my tutorials and I'm free for half a day on Sunday. On the rest of the days, I approximately get 5 hours of leisure and the day is very tiring. I think I'm cheating myself and indirectly my parents. I say things but do not implement them. I have the right amount of confidence but don't know how to overcome my problems. Any suggestion on this would be helpful. I intend to do civil engineering in the future.

Thanks   
G.N. SAI SWAROOP

Dear Sai Swaroop

I think you need to spend sometime identifying your passion and your dreams. You say you want to do civil engineering. That, by itself, cannot be your end goal. Studying civil engineering can only be a means to an end. What do you want to do in life, for which you view civil engineering as a stepping stone? What is that future that you dream of? Visualize it. Concretize it as much as possible. Then break it down into smaller achievable goals. Maybe you don’t see your current work as being a stepping stone towards that ultimate goal. You need to be able to understand for yourself how this fits into your own long-term goals. That will help you find your motivation.

There is no substitute for hard-work, diligence, and putting in your best effort. Sometimes we are unable to find the motivation for this because the goals and dreams we are pursuing are not our own, but those of our parents or friends or other people in our lives. You say you want to prove yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself. And, remember, the benefits of your hard work and diligence will also come to none other than yourself.

Also, identify the source of your distraction and inability to concentrate. Is it fear of failure, or anxiety about the outcome? Is it some distracting event or person? Is it your inability to comprehend and understand the subject? Is it peer pressure?

Maybe you should start a system of rewarding yourself every time you are able to pull back from being distracted and stay focussed and on track. Such things often help in behavior change over time.

The good thing is that you are aware that your current behavior is not helpful and you want to change it. Getting to that point is often the biggest hurdle. Once you are there I am sure you will find your own ways of overcoming it.

All the best


Dear Ma’am

I am a student of class IX CBSE in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Around 6 months ago I shifted from Tamil Nadu to Karnataka. Here I am not satisfied with anything. The only thing I feel is disappointment. I used to score above 95%, now I hardly score over 85%. My interest over studies is mostly disappeared. I am always distracted. Apart from studies I used to play over 2 hrs daily but here I lack such facilities (playground). I simply waste my thinking of my peer group, my school, my best times and sometimes I feel so disappointed that I even cry for hours together. I just feel I won’t survive this competition. Please direct me to a better future.

A Student

Dear Student

I understand that you are really struggling to adapt to the changes in a new environment. You are missing your old school and old friends. You are missing the fact that academically you used to do really well there. You are missing the fact that you had an opportunity to play there and you don’t have that here. Change is hard for everyone, but some change in life is inevitable. If you learn to embrace change you would have learnt an invaluable life lesson, because the only thing constant in life is that things will change. You will you remember your ‘good times’ in Chennai, remember them with a fondness and nostalgia and tell yourself it is now time for you to move on to different things - different opportunities, different friends, different places. The reason you are finding it hard is because you are resisting change and viewing it as something bad. Instead embrace it and view it as an opening of new doors for you. You will be amazed at the difference your ‘thinking’ will make to your ‘feeling’ about the change. In life, when one door closes, another one always opens. Sometimes, you just need to look a little harder for it.

So embrace change and let the doors open for you.

All the best


Dear Madam,

I am a correspondence MBA student. I am also working in a firm. From my school days I have been a very silent person. I want to talk to everyone & mingle with them, but cannot. I do talk individually with each person, but do not talk when I am within a group of people or in a team at my office. I do not know whether it is an inferiority complex or low confidence. I also feel that people ignore to talk to me & do not recognize me at all. Please help me to overcome this problem.

Thanks,

Dear....

Firstly, I get a sense from your letter that in your mind being a ‘silent’ person is somehow not okay, or a sign of inferiority. That is absolutely not the case and if you are comfortable with your silence it is not a problem at all. It takes all kinds of people to make the world. Some are just more quiet than the others.

Having said that, if you are feeling that you are not comfortable with the fact that you are silent in a group, and you feel it is because of a sense of inferiority or insecurity on your part, then I suggest you have a few sessions of counselling. This will help you identify and overcome the fears that are holding you back. It will also help you build your self esteem. People tend to reflect back to you what you feel about yourself. If you feel inferior, you will feel that people are treating you in a way that shows you are in deed inferior. Counselling can help you address that very effectively. So take the first step to helping yourself along this journey. You owe it to yourself.

All the best


Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. Previously I was interested in opting for Science after 10th but now I am much more interested in opting for Arts. My parents are not happy with my decision as all of my cousins had taken Science. They have told me that I need to tell them what I am going to do in my life as they don’t think if there is any future in arts. I don’t know much about streams which I can opt for after my PU as I had been researching about engineering. I want to go for film making and choreography. I like to study about human behavior too. I also dream of becoming a politician one day but I don’t want to tell that to my parents as they hate politics and feel that one needs to be corrupt to become one. I would first like to become a professional filmmaker and choreographer. I request you to tell me what I can take for these two so that I can give my parents a clear reply and the stream I should take for pursuing higher studies in political science in later life.

A student.

Dear Student

Unfortunately I am not a career counsellor and have no capability to guide you about what courses you should take. I think you would benefit from getting some career counselling to help you match your interests, abilities and strengths to career options. Since you have a wide range of options in front of you, you may do well to get some formal guidance about it.

I agree that you should take subjects that you are interested in, not just those that your parents tell you to take or those that your cousins took. However, it may serve you well to visualize your end career goal, and then choose your subjects merely as a stepping stone towards achieving that goal.

Your parents are right in being concerned about what you want to do. However, you should not take this ‘you’ vs. ‘them’ approach. Try and engage them in the process of helping you choose your career path, and therefore your subjects. Ultimately they want what is best for you, and the more clarity you have about your path the more comfortable they will feel with your choices.

All the best.

Take time off to prepare - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following questions answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of January 10, 2013. However, interestingly, due to editorial goof-ups they went under another person's name!! It's never happened to me before. Hope it doesn't happen again. However, since the content is mine I am going ahead and reproducing it here.]

Take time off to prepare

Jan 10, 2013

Dear Madam
I am a 21-year old graduate from Mysore, and I completed my Bachelors in Business Administration (BBA) in June 2012. Instead of applying for MBA immediately, I chose to take a year off and concentrate on studying for various management exams (CAT, XAT, MAT, etc.). I was actually aiming for an admission into one of the IIMs, so I prepared for CAT-2012, and took it in the month of October 2012. Right now, it is December, and I am preparing for XAT, which is to be held on January 6, 2013.

The thing that is troubling me is that I do not have any work experience to my credit. All I had planned to do was prepare for management exams. And even though I put all my efforts towards preparing for CAT from July-Oct 2012, the actual test was not as good as I had hoped. I managed to do just about okay. And not only this, I have also been told by my parents that they will not be able to afford admissions into the IIMs, as my family is somewhat tight regarding finances.

Hearing this, I became totally depressed, thinking that all my efforts were in vain. And my parents are adamant that I continue my education in Mysore, so that they can be with me and save on money as well. I am totally against it. I do not want to compromise on the matter of my Masters degree in any way, since my BBA days were not all that enriching and college was not exactly a “learning” experience”. I have no expectations from Mysore at all- My mother is behind me to find a job so that I can assist my family. Even I want to- but in a place like Mysore, I really don’t know how to go about it, and I don’t even have any expectations of finding a decent job here.

Please advise. I have a very bad feeling, as if I’ve hit a dead end.

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous

It is okay to take some time off to prepare for exams. It is not mandatory that you have work experience right at the start. If you have put in your best effort, and you get admission for MBA, as per your wishes, then you don’t need to worry on account of the lack of work experience.

However, if you don’t get admission, again all is not lost. You can always gain some work experience, and then try again after a couple of years. In any case you can benefit a lot more from a management degree when you have the practical experience of the workplace. So if you don’t get admission, you can choose to view it as a failure and feel dejected and depressed. Or you can choose to view it as an opportunity to gain some work experience, and try later.

Secondly, if your family is not able to support you financially for further studies, you can always look at the possibility of taking a bank loan to do this. I believe there are education loans available these days, though I have to admit I do not have too many details on this. You don’t need to see this as a dead end.

You need to be able to decide for yourself what you would like out of your life. Understandably, your family would like to have you close to them. You need to be able to formulate your plans, and communicate them to your family. Remember, your needs and aspirations will be different from those of your family, and it is okay for you to chase your own dreams.

Understandably opportunities in Mysore will be limited compared to what they would be if you are willing to move out. In the process if you are able to carry your family along with your decision, you will be some much richer for it. This will require you to be able to communicate your goals and motivations to them, and address their insecurities to the best you can.

Dear Madam

I’m in X class. With hardly 3 months left for my Board exams, I’m still not addicted to books. When I open my books, I read for some time (10 to 15 minutes). After that my mind starts diverting to some other topic. I don’t know how to keep all these out and concentrate on my studies. I’m worried that if I don’t do well in the Boards, I won’t get into a good colleges. Please help me out to prepare well for exams.

Avinash

Dear Avinash

Why do you need to study? You need to answer that question for yourself and find your true motivation. If your motivation is to get good marks, to make your parents happy, to get admission into a good college, or to impress everyone, then you need to think again. Those may be short-term motivations but cannot be an end in themselves. What is your end goal and what are you working towards? If the end goal is exciting enough, you will feel motivated to work towards it. Remember, you need to do it for yourself, not for anyone else. You will be the biggest beneficiary of the effort you put in now.