With exams around the corner, are you being supportive or pressurizing

[The following article written by me was first published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/article/with-exams-around-the-corner-are-you-being-supportive-or-pressurizing/ on February 28, 2016]

Parents and teachers often appear to be as stressed and anxious during exam season, as the students appearing for the exams. And the source of anxiety in their case also boils down to the same point, that exam marks are considered to be an objective and uniform external benchmark of a person’s worth. It’s just that in their case they extend the marks to also be an external assessment of their parenting, or of their teaching. If their child does well in an exam parents take it to mean that they have been successful as parents. If their students do well in the exam, teachers take it to mean that they have been successful as teachers.

Yes, parents and teachers play a huge role in how a child performs during an exam. Children want to meet, and often exceed, expectations that are set by their teachers and parents. However, teachers and parents need to be watchful about how they convey these expectations so as to not be unduly pressurizing, thus becoming an added source of stress for the student. Being mindful about a few things when your children or students are preparing for exams may be helpful at this stage.

Firstly, this is not about you. The exams are not a judgment on your parenting. Neither are they a judgment about your teaching. And even if you consider them to be that, that is not the reason the child needs to perform well. The child needs to perform well because he wants to do well. Not because he wants you to feel that you are a good parent or a good teacher. So if you have anxieties around how your child’s performance will reflect on you as a parent or teacher, please deal with those anxieties in another space (maybe by talking to friends or counselors) and do not pass them on to the children. The children have enough of their own to take care of.

Secondly, this is not a final judgment on the child. It is just one of many milestones children have to cross in their life. Just as in a marathon. In a hundred meter sprint, children just have to make a dash and the ultimate goal is to win. There is no time to look left or right. There is no time to enjoy the view. There is no time to trip and stumble. But life is not like that. Life is a marathon and the goal is to complete it successfully, not necessarily to win it. The goal is to take stock of each milestone as it passes by, to enjoy the view, to overcome obstacles, to keep your spirits high and have the energy to complete the run, all the way to the end. We, as parents and teachers, must believe that ourselves first, and then be sure to pass on that message to those in our watch. If a child stumbles along the way, they will get a chance to recover and come back on track to complete the marathon run, provided we allow them to without killing his spirit and his confidence. What are a few small humps in the marathon run of life?

Thirdly, acknowledge effort, not performance. The only variable in the process of studying for an exam that the child can control is the amount of effort they put in. They can’t control what questions will come, or how their paper will get marked, or whether the person who is marking their paper is having a good day or a bad one; neither can they control how other children will do, or whether the paper will leak or the exam will get rescheduled. The only thing they can control is their effort and you want to ensure they do their best.

Keeping this in mind, what are things we should and should not say to our exam-taking children?

1. “I know you will do well” sets the bar right up there, not allowing for the child to not do well. A more helpful input may be, “Just put in your best effort, that’s all that matters to me.”
2. “I want you to get a 100% in your paper—I know you can do it.” This is often something teachers say to their well-performing students, as a motivator to encourage them. “Just put in your best and that is all you need to do” may be slightly less pressurizing.
3. “This exam is very important. Your life depends on it. This is the only chance you have. What will you do with yourself if you don’t do well in this exam.” This is a completely flawed line of reasoning because there is not only one right path in life, or one chance. Making mistakes and encountering failure result in its own learning and growth. It may be more helpful to say, “It is important to do your best and then see what paths open up for you. There is no one right path. You may have a preferred path, but if you can’t go on that path, there will be alternatives that you can explore. People can make a success even of a second-best or third-best choice, because what you make of any choice depends on you. There is nothing right or wrong about any path.”
4. “If you don’t do well what will your grandparents say,” or “If you don’t do well the Principal will be disappointed in you.” Like I said this is not about you, or others, or society at large. This is about your child being comfortable with their choices and not regretting them later in life. This is about your child believing that they did the best they could to reach their potential, whatever that potential is.

These should give you a general idea about what a helpful vs unhelpful response is. The bottom line is that as parents and teachers we need to acknowledge effort and not performance. We need to make sure our anxieties are not corrupting our line of thinking. And, we need to believe that there is more than one chance in life and more than one definition of success, because there is.

Be your own hero - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 10, 2016]

Dear Madam,
My daughter is currently studying in PUC (commerce) second year in Mount Carmel College. She has scored 90 per cent in SSLC and 91 per cent in PUC first year. She is interested in arts (dancing, singing, acting) but due to our pressure, she goes to college. Initially, she had decided to take up CA so as to avoid science but she’s now decided to wait for second year PUC results to zero in on a field. Could you please suggest a future course of action for her? 
N Manjunath

Dear Manjunath,
I am not a career counsellor, and as such, have very little to add in terms of what would be a good career choice for her. It is best you involve her in the decision, rather than some random stranger like myself. She knows her passion and interests best, and she is the one who has to live with the choice that she makes. So, it is only fair that she have a say in it. If your daughter is passionate and talented in the creative fields and is able to maintain good academic scores as well, then you really should not be worrying about her. The important thing for you at this stage, as a parent, is to maintain an open communication with her and be on the same side of the decision-making process as her, rather than on the opposite side.

It is best not to make it a us (i.e., parents) versus her situation, but rather create an environment in which you all participate in this decision-making process together to arrive at what you all collectively feel and think would be the best bet for her future success. There is not much to be gained in her getting ‘stuck’ in a field in which she has no interest, only due to ‘parental pressure’. I am sure you have your reasons for wanting her to pursue a particular field, and she will have her reasons to want to pursue other fields. The key lies in everyone being on the same side and understanding each other’s point of view and allowing for differences in perspective. There really is no replacement for genuine authentic communication. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I was raised to be very dependent on my parents. While some kids were already doing things like cooking or cleaning by themselves at age 12, my parents always did those things for me and my brother. It’s not a bad thing but I am almost 18 now and worried that I won’t be able to do much for myself or live on my own after high school. Kindly help.
An overly dependent child

Dear overly dependent child, 
It is really heart-warming to receive your letter. In this generation, I think there may be many children in your situation, who may not even recognise this as a problem. Given that the current generation of parents typically have only one or two children, there is a tendency to ‘over-parent’, ‘over-protect’ and ‘over-do’. However, the fact that you recognise it, and are aware of the negatives of this (even though there are also great advantages to be at the receiving end of such love and attention) leaves me with no doubt that you will live up to whatever is demanded of you when the situation and the need arises. And if you are concerned about not being able to do it later, maybe you should start doing it now. Start doing the things that you would like to be able to do for yourself, and don’t be ‘too dependent’ on your parents. 

Dependence is a two-way process between the one who creates the dependence and the one who accepts and receives it. So, do your bit to wean off the dependence and you will be surprised at how independent you can be. Go ahead, give it a shot! All the best.

Dear Madam,
Many people around me have been asking me about my career choice of lately. But I am struggling to zero in on a field. I am the kind of person who will enjoy anything as long as a good atmosphere with the right kind of people is guaranteed. I have always enjoyed and understood science, particularly chemistry and have recently become very interested in psychology. Initially, I thought I could combine the two and possibly study medicine and then psychiatry. However, I am unsure as to whether psychiatry is the right career for me and whether I would enjoy it in the future. I guess I would prefer to work in a lab rather than in a space that requires me to interact directly with  people, although the concept of being a teacher strangely appeals to me. Kindly help me out.
A confused student

Dear confused student,
You might want to begin with some aptitude testing to see what your natural inclinations are and what you enjoy. For this, you should probably take the help of a career counsellor. Also, spend some time understanding yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses, what you enjoy and what interests you, and what you are passionate about. You seem to be in an enviable situation where you have the option of having many choices in front of you, each of which could be an equally good option. 

Try talking to people you know (or someone you know knows), who are working in the various fields you are considering — ask them what it involves, what are good skill sets to have, what a typical day looks like, the growth prospects and the challenges of their field. And then make an informed decision. 

However, remember that there is no one ‘perfect’ answer to your question; there may be several equally good options. The important thing is to go down one path and give it your best shot knowing that you have the potential to make a success of whatever you set your mind and heart to. And if you do decide on a path and realise after some time, for whatever reason, that you made a sub-optimal choice, you can switch paths. It may entail a little hardship and loss of time and money, but it is possible. In the words of John Wooden, it is important to remember that no matter what, “Success is never final, and failure is never fatal, it’s courage that counts.” Wish you good luck!

Visualise Your Dreams - Ask Your Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of November 7, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I'm studying 2nd PUC (science-PCMC). I was a bright student when I was in my primary school and was able to achieve more than 90% in my exams. But as the days passed i.e. in my high school, my performance dropped and I got 82 percent in my CBSE exam. Friends was not a problem at all. All were toppers in my group except me. Later on this became even more worse and I got 61% in my first PUC and I truly feel my performance is decreasing even more this year. To be honest, I had good concentration in the beginning but as I cleared my high school and PUC my concentration and interest towards studies kept decreasing every year. I'm very worried about this. When I sit to study, I get the feeling of doing something in life but that momentum is only there for about half an hour. I get distracted very easily. I think "I will do it after sometime" and ultimately the day passes. That leads to studying the whole lesson a day before the exams which I don't want to happen. I really want to get out of this mess. I really want to prove myself. My parents have great hopes on me and they encourage me pretty well. Their words pump me up for the day but that is gone as the day passes. And by the way, I go to tutorials. I find organic chemistry and physics numericals tough; the other subjects are pretty manageable. I take more time than an average student to study. I don't have any problems with languages or with computer science.

I think time management, concentration, determination and hard work have been a major concern for me. I think if I mend my ways, I’ll be on my track but I don’t know how to. I have a very busy schedule on all the days and barely get time to study. I get a day off on Thursday from my tutorials and I'm free for half a day on Sunday. On the rest of the days, I approximately get 5 hours of leisure and the day is very tiring. I think I'm cheating myself and indirectly my parents. I say things but do not implement them. I have the right amount of confidence but don't know how to overcome my problems. Any suggestion on this would be helpful. I intend to do civil engineering in the future.

Thanks   
G.N. SAI SWAROOP

Dear Sai Swaroop

I think you need to spend sometime identifying your passion and your dreams. You say you want to do civil engineering. That, by itself, cannot be your end goal. Studying civil engineering can only be a means to an end. What do you want to do in life, for which you view civil engineering as a stepping stone? What is that future that you dream of? Visualize it. Concretize it as much as possible. Then break it down into smaller achievable goals. Maybe you don’t see your current work as being a stepping stone towards that ultimate goal. You need to be able to understand for yourself how this fits into your own long-term goals. That will help you find your motivation.

There is no substitute for hard-work, diligence, and putting in your best effort. Sometimes we are unable to find the motivation for this because the goals and dreams we are pursuing are not our own, but those of our parents or friends or other people in our lives. You say you want to prove yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself. And, remember, the benefits of your hard work and diligence will also come to none other than yourself.

Also, identify the source of your distraction and inability to concentrate. Is it fear of failure, or anxiety about the outcome? Is it some distracting event or person? Is it your inability to comprehend and understand the subject? Is it peer pressure?

Maybe you should start a system of rewarding yourself every time you are able to pull back from being distracted and stay focussed and on track. Such things often help in behavior change over time.

The good thing is that you are aware that your current behavior is not helpful and you want to change it. Getting to that point is often the biggest hurdle. Once you are there I am sure you will find your own ways of overcoming it.

All the best


Dear Ma’am

I am a student of class IX CBSE in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Around 6 months ago I shifted from Tamil Nadu to Karnataka. Here I am not satisfied with anything. The only thing I feel is disappointment. I used to score above 95%, now I hardly score over 85%. My interest over studies is mostly disappeared. I am always distracted. Apart from studies I used to play over 2 hrs daily but here I lack such facilities (playground). I simply waste my thinking of my peer group, my school, my best times and sometimes I feel so disappointed that I even cry for hours together. I just feel I won’t survive this competition. Please direct me to a better future.

A Student

Dear Student

I understand that you are really struggling to adapt to the changes in a new environment. You are missing your old school and old friends. You are missing the fact that academically you used to do really well there. You are missing the fact that you had an opportunity to play there and you don’t have that here. Change is hard for everyone, but some change in life is inevitable. If you learn to embrace change you would have learnt an invaluable life lesson, because the only thing constant in life is that things will change. You will you remember your ‘good times’ in Chennai, remember them with a fondness and nostalgia and tell yourself it is now time for you to move on to different things - different opportunities, different friends, different places. The reason you are finding it hard is because you are resisting change and viewing it as something bad. Instead embrace it and view it as an opening of new doors for you. You will be amazed at the difference your ‘thinking’ will make to your ‘feeling’ about the change. In life, when one door closes, another one always opens. Sometimes, you just need to look a little harder for it.

So embrace change and let the doors open for you.

All the best


Dear Madam,

I am a correspondence MBA student. I am also working in a firm. From my school days I have been a very silent person. I want to talk to everyone & mingle with them, but cannot. I do talk individually with each person, but do not talk when I am within a group of people or in a team at my office. I do not know whether it is an inferiority complex or low confidence. I also feel that people ignore to talk to me & do not recognize me at all. Please help me to overcome this problem.

Thanks,

Dear....

Firstly, I get a sense from your letter that in your mind being a ‘silent’ person is somehow not okay, or a sign of inferiority. That is absolutely not the case and if you are comfortable with your silence it is not a problem at all. It takes all kinds of people to make the world. Some are just more quiet than the others.

Having said that, if you are feeling that you are not comfortable with the fact that you are silent in a group, and you feel it is because of a sense of inferiority or insecurity on your part, then I suggest you have a few sessions of counselling. This will help you identify and overcome the fears that are holding you back. It will also help you build your self esteem. People tend to reflect back to you what you feel about yourself. If you feel inferior, you will feel that people are treating you in a way that shows you are in deed inferior. Counselling can help you address that very effectively. So take the first step to helping yourself along this journey. You owe it to yourself.

All the best


Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. Previously I was interested in opting for Science after 10th but now I am much more interested in opting for Arts. My parents are not happy with my decision as all of my cousins had taken Science. They have told me that I need to tell them what I am going to do in my life as they don’t think if there is any future in arts. I don’t know much about streams which I can opt for after my PU as I had been researching about engineering. I want to go for film making and choreography. I like to study about human behavior too. I also dream of becoming a politician one day but I don’t want to tell that to my parents as they hate politics and feel that one needs to be corrupt to become one. I would first like to become a professional filmmaker and choreographer. I request you to tell me what I can take for these two so that I can give my parents a clear reply and the stream I should take for pursuing higher studies in political science in later life.

A student.

Dear Student

Unfortunately I am not a career counsellor and have no capability to guide you about what courses you should take. I think you would benefit from getting some career counselling to help you match your interests, abilities and strengths to career options. Since you have a wide range of options in front of you, you may do well to get some formal guidance about it.

I agree that you should take subjects that you are interested in, not just those that your parents tell you to take or those that your cousins took. However, it may serve you well to visualize your end career goal, and then choose your subjects merely as a stepping stone towards achieving that goal.

Your parents are right in being concerned about what you want to do. However, you should not take this ‘you’ vs. ‘them’ approach. Try and engage them in the process of helping you choose your career path, and therefore your subjects. Ultimately they want what is best for you, and the more clarity you have about your path the more comfortable they will feel with your choices.

All the best.

Believe in yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am in Class XII and am very weak in studies but do very well in sports. Should I study or do sports? Please help me, ma’am. My parents don’t help me in both.

Aisha

Dear Aisha,

You are fortunate that you have been able to identify a strength area for yourself. However, even if you focus on sports, you need to be able to identify a way to make it a profession that can sustain you financially. Only a handful of the top sports people earn a lot of money through sports.

For the rest of them, they have to marry their strength in sports with other business ideas to be able to sustain themselves. To be able to do that without other education may be difficult. It may be good for you to look at your academic education as a way of opening doors for you to leverage on your strength in sports. You would probably need the academic qualifications to open some doors for you in the future. Without the academic qualifications you may find your options severely reduced.

So, by all means, focus on sports, but think about how you are going to convert that into an idea that will sustain you financially. You can then view your academic education as a stepping stone to gain the skills for the implementation of that idea.
I hope that was helpful. I urge you to communicate with your parents so that both of you are able to understand each others’ points of view and take an informed decision jointly.

Dear Ma’am,

I am studying 2nd PU now and am really confused as I have to prepare for both NEET and Board exams, and my score in physics and mathematics are really poor. I want to be a doctor, not any doctor but a cardiologist. I know my maths score is immaterial to my dream of becoming a doctor but I want to keep my options open and have a good score in my Board exam as well. And, I often lose confidence on my ability to achieve my dreams and feel that I may have taken the wrong decision. Even after having a good knowledge of what I study, I fail in its presentation. Even in languages I lose marks due to my poor presentation. But, I used to score well in CBSE syllabus in which I completed my tenth. I think I can score well in all the subjects because usually I score well in unit tests but when it comes to summative tests I fail in my performance. I have great hopes of my parents on my shoulder. I don't wish to be a failure. Please solve my riddled conceptions.

P Eshwar

Dear Eshwar,

You seem to be too stressed and that is leading to your lack of concentration and poor performance in exams. It is natural for anyone to have some element of self-doubt about their choice of path.

The grass may always appear to be greener, or easier, on the other path.
I don’t think you should let your parents’ hopes on you weigh you down. They are meant to motivate you, not lead you to dysfunction. You have to believe in the fulfillment of your own hopes and dreams and in that process, your parents’ dreams will also be fulfilled. You are not alone in having to bear the weight of parental expectations. All parents have expectations from their children.
These expectations are meant to motivate children, not to weigh them down. Remember, there are several ways to fulfill parental expectations, unlike the common perception that there is only one right way.

Ultimately your parents want you to be happy and successful. It is your interpretation that they will be happy only if you are happy and successful in ways that they define. You have a choice to be happy and successful in ways that you define. Exercise that choice.

Also, define your end goal - is it to do well in the Board exams, or to do well in NEET, or to become a doctor, or to become a cardiologist, or to become a world-class cardiologist, or to help people live longer lives? Take a long-term view and treat the exams on the way merely as milestones towards that goal. They are not defining moments unless you make them out to be that.

Dear Madam,

My daughter is eleven and a half years old, studying in VI std. She is having a lot of problems with studies. Basically, she is a mild, intelligent, friendly and bold girl, who is ambitious to be a popular leader. She has a knack for speaking extempore and won group leader elections. She is hyper sensitive and a very stressed girl.

Nowadays, her stress level has increased so much that she hates to go to school, and even the sight of her school uniform and books upsets her. Her main problem is studying for tests & exams. Since she has come to a higher class, the frequency of tests has increased and because of the high stress, she finds it very difficult to sit down and work hard. She is a fast learner but the stress is causing a lot of problems. I constantly counsel her. We have never put any kind of pressure on her academic performance.

I would very much appreciate and would be grateful if you could advise us as to how we can help our child reduce her stress so that she will carry on with her activities without difficulty. Kindly help.

Concerned mother

Dear mother,

I can understand your concern, because being able to face stressful situations is a very important life skill for all of us. The difference between those who are successful in life and those who are not, very often is dependent on how people handle the various stresses that they are bound to experience in life. I think it would be very helpful for you to take your child to a counsellor who will be able to work with her through this process.

Stressful situations are most often the result of our irrational beliefs like, “I have to succeed at everything I do otherwise I am worthless”, “Everyone has to think I am a great person or has to like me”, or “My worth depends on how many people like me”, and so on. A counsellor will be able to uncover your child’s beliefs that are holding her back, and help her replace them with more rational beliefs that will allow her to deal with her stresses more easily.

After all, your happiness and your ability to deal with stress depends on what you think you are worth. And the foundations of that get laid in childhood.

Dear Madam,

I just wanted your suggestions to go ahead with my life and career. I could not pass 2nd PUC even after two attempts. After the second attempt, I started working. Since three years I am an office executive. Because I don’t have education I’m not at all valued anywhere. I really want to do something in life because I have my family who is depending on me. I don’t mind working under you also if I can grow. I’m not interested in studies. Also please give me some suggestions wherein I can come up in life.

Smitha

Dear Smitha,

Unfortunately, I am not hiring people to work under me. However, remember that the value the world ascribes to you is merely a reflection of the value you ascribe to yourself. You may not have formal education, but you may have other strengths which can help you. You need to identify your strengths and that will make you feel empowered.

The strengths are not only things that you do, or have achieved, but are also a function of the person that you are. Remember, Dhirubhai Ambani hardly had a formal degree as a foundation for his success.

And there are many other such names that one can come across. Success in life depends not only on your educational degree, but on many other life skills like your confidence, your ability to communicate, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to lead a group, or be an effective member of a group, your risk-taking and creativity, your entrepreneurship, your sincerity, your drive, and so many other things.