With exams around the corner, are expectations bogging you down?

[The following article written by me first appeared at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/article/with-exams-around-the-corner-are-expectations-bogging-you-down/ on February 28, 2016]

Exam season is here. There’s nothing alarming about that, because it is here every year, at this time of the year. But yet, there is reason to be alarmed, this year, and every year, because of the kind of turmoil it causes, not only amongst the aspiring exam-takers, but also amongst their parents and teachers and uncles and aunts and grandparents, and anyone who is in any way connected to them.

So what is it about exams that make them hold so much power?

It is because exams are used by everybody—society at large, families in particular, and students in specific—as an external, objective, uniform benchmark to evaluate a person’s worth.

Students use it to assess for themselves how good, or bad, they are and how they measure up, and will measure up in the future, against the world. They use it to assess for themselves whether they will be a success or failure in life. If they get good marks in exams they can tell themselves that they will be successful in life, or at least that they have a better chance of it. If they don’t get good marks in exams then they may assume that they will be a failure in life going forward.

The reality though is that marks are not a predictor, or guarantor, or success and failure in life. Firstly, there is no one definition of success. Success and failure are not universal external objective definitions that apply to everyone. Each person must define for themselves what success and failure mean to them. One person’s concept of success may be based on how much money they earn, while another’s concept of success may be based on the number of lives they are able to touch, while a third’s concept may be based on being able to care for the family. To each his own. There is no one definition of success and we must not let anyone give their definition to us.

Secondly, success and failure are terms used to define events in life, not labels for people. It is not that a person is a success or failure, but rather that a person has been successful or not successful at a particular task in their life. It is not something that defines their life in totality, but merely a particular aspect of their life, at a particular point of time. So even if you are successful in an exam it does not mean you become a success in life. And likewise, if you are unsuccessful in an exam it does not mean that you are a failure in life. There are others aspects to you which you must remember in defining and labeling yourself. And it is not a definition, or label, that needs to stick to you for life.

Thirdly, each success and failure needs to be put into the perspective of your whole life. While studying for, and taking an exam, it seems to define your whole life and is the most important event in your life, at that point of time. However, it is important to remember that six months down the line or a year down the line, it will not have the same significance. In fact, it may not have any significance at all. If you are appearing for Board exams, next year at the same time, the marks you got in these exams will not be relevant. Marks may open some doors for you but they don’t guaranteesuccess inside the door. They may get you admission into some colleges, or job interviews in more prestigious companies, but they don’t guarantee that you will be a success in that better college or better job.

Finally, success in life depends on a lot more than marks. You may score 100% in your exam and still not feel successful at work, or in life. In the workplace it depends on your confidence and self-esteem, your ability to communicate, your ability to learn, unlearn and relearn, your ability to be a team player, a leader, a creative problem-solver, a thinker, a doer, among other things. In relationships it depends on being able to connect with people and relate to them, sometimes putting others’ needs ahead of your own. All this depends to a great extent on your belief in yourself and your worth.

This is not to say that you should not worry about your exams and put in your best effort. That you must, because if you do not perform up to your potential, you will feel dissatisfied about it. So put in your best effort. But don’t believe that your life depends on it, because it does not.

Given all of this, how do you deal with expectations—expectations you have of yourself; expectations your parents have of you; expectations your teachers have of you; expectations the world at large has of you? There’s only one way to do it and that is to believe in yourself and your worth—to know that you are worthy, irrespective of your marks in an exam. The marks may be an added bonus.

Often the self-talk we have is negative. It is about how useless and worthless we are. It is about how society will judge us as that. It is about how parents and teachers will be disappointed in us. The reality is that the world may be disappointed in us, but that is their choice and something they have to learn to deal with, if they choose that path. Besides their definition of your success may keep changing over time and you may never get there. That is not something you can control. You must not be disappointed with yourself and that is the important part. Ultimately your parents and teachers want you to be happy, and if you are able to demonstrate to them that you are happy with the choices you make, they will eventually come around. So put in your best effort and do the best you can, but do it for yourself.

Remember, if one door closes, another one will open, provided you allow yourself to look for it. But no door opens without your best effort, so don’t forget that part of your role in this amazing thing called life.

Are you weighing your child down with the burden of your expectations?

[ The following article was originally published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/are-you-weighing-your-child-down-with-the-burden-of-your-expectations/]

I recently had a client who was in the process of leaving her marriage. I expected her to be distraught about the implications of that decision, and what it would mean for her, going forward. Instead what I found was someone distraught by the implications of that decision on her parents. They had had expectations of her, which she had not lived up to, in the past, as well. And now this! She was concerned about how they would face society. After all, she had let them down. Would they ever be able to recover from this? And would she ever be able to recover from having let them down? Those were her major concerns.

I have met several parents who have a clearly mapped out a future path for their children — every milestone is documented, or at least etched in their minds. Their children should simply abide, and follow that path, and they will benefit from a happy and successful future life. That is what they need to do. That is the only way.

However, children are here in the world to find their own purpose and create their own path, and then to go down that path with zeal, enthusiasm and drive. Our role as parents is to merely support them in this process of their search for self-identity, and their path. And we do this best by giving them the roots to grow and the wings to fly. According to Brian Tracy, an American TV host, “If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.” 

As aware parents, we need to know that our children come into our lives to fulfill their own purpose. They are not here to fulfill our purpose. They are not here to give us a sense of validation. They are not here to carry on our family name or business, to achieve our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, to provide an insurance policy for our old age, or to bring us glory. They are not here to fulfill our dreams, or think our thoughts, or become someone we think they should be. They are not our family “trophies” — to bring fame and glory to our family name. They are here to walk their own path and sculpt their own life. And as they cross the milestones of that process, we are allowed to feel proud of them.

So if we have pre-defined expectations of what our child should do, and who our child should become, it is imperative that we open up the windows of our mind and let the expectations go — not only because they are not based on any reality, but also because they can really make the environment toxic for our children, like my client who is still worrying about having let her parents down.

There has been a controversy raging in the press in the past about the Chinese style of parenting v the American style. The Chinese style is more regimented and disciplinarian. It is loaded with the highest expectations of their children, in the path defined by their parents. Chinese children, for example, are not allowed to attend sleepovers, have play dates, be in school plays, complain about not being in school plays, watch TV or play computer games, choose their own extracurricular activities, get any grade less than an A, not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama, play any instrument other than the piano or violin; or not play the piano or violin. The American style, on the other hand, gives more space to a child's individual needs, interests, desires, aspirations, feelings and self-esteem. While it is correct to say that the general level of academic performance of the Chinese children is higher, and therefore, we may conclude that the Chinese style is more effective in the long run, I believe that the Chinese system produces performers, not composers. And that, largely, holds true for the Indian system as well.

A quick Google search in the Classical Composers Database throws up just 20 Chinese composers but several pages of American composers. A question for us to think about is do we want our children to be performers (i.e. replicators, followers, doers, executers) of pre-written pieces, or do we want our children to be composers (leaders, designers, inventors, creators) of pieces that they are writing? While the Industrial Age attached a premium to diligence, execution, perfection, towing the line and other such qualities, the knowledge age that we are now living in (and that our children will definitely live in) attaches a premium to creativity, out-of-the-box thinking, abilities to learn on the job, solve problems, be team leaders, and be team players (in formal and informal, team structures), to communicate our ideas and opinions, the ‘can do’ attitude, the ability to be self-motivated and the ability to learn from failures, to name just a few. None of this gets tested by our current system of examinations, and none of these qualities get developed by our current system of education.  

So if we expect our children to get a hundred per cent, and they live up to our expectation, they may fulfil our expectations, but still not be a success in life, and in the workplace. Do we want them to succeed in exams, or do we want them to succeed in life? It is a decision we need to make as parents, because the paths to both may be completely different. Unfortunately, many parents assume that success in exams automatically implies success in life. Success in exams only opens a few doors. Success in life, on the other hand, is a totally different ball game, often having nothing to do with success in exams.

Does that mean that parents should not have any expectations? No, far from it. Children are known to try and live up to parental expectations, and therefore, having some expectations will spur them on to push themselves to achieve greater heights. It will push them to get out of their comfort zone, try out new things and take on new challenges.

All it means is that the expectations should not be about marks, performance and abiding by rigid social norms above all else. 

Our expectations should be around having our children put in their best effort, in whatever area they choose; about them learning to the best of their ability; about them living by values that we model to help our children believe in them; about our children pushing the boundaries and limits of their capabilities to ensure they achieve their potential; about them being socially well-adjusted; about believing in themselves; and, about having their own dreams and aspirations, as different from ours.

So what CAN we give our children? Our knowledge and belief that who they really are is valuable and important! And an honest, authentic, safe and secure environment where they can grow, without fear of rejection or non-acceptance. 

And, what can we expect in return as parents? In the words of Sharon Goodman, we should expect nothing less than “a magnificent adventure as we guide our children to know who they really are!”

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of April 24, 2014]

Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PUC (commerce) student. I have hardly 20 days left for my exams. Though I have completed studying the entire syllabus,solved previous year question papers and also secured 95% in my preparatory I feel that my preparations are not enough. I aspire to be one among the state toppers and this feeling of fear is bringing me down.I want to know what I can do to overcome this fear. Both my parents and lecturers are expecting high results from me and I don't want to let them down.

A student

Dear Student,

By the time this gets published your exams would probably be over. However, my response would probably help you deal with your fears and anxieties in the future as well. I would like you spend a few minutes thinking about what would happen if your worst fear (of not being a state topper) came true!

How would it feel? Would it impact the rest of your life in anyway? Would it even matter, and be of any significance, a year down the line? Would your parents still love you? Would your friends still have you as their friend? Would you still get admission into the next step of your education? Would your teachers still remember you as a good student?

Once you are able to answer these, and other similar questions, honestly, you will probably conclude that the importance you are attaching to being a state topper may be disproportionate to the gain that you will get out of it. 

It is great to aspire for great heights, but the fear of those heights should not prevent you from climbing them. After all, nothing material will really happen if you are not able to climb that height. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you don’t do as well as you would like to, it does not mean that YOU are a failure. All it means is that you were not able to achieve as much as you would have liked to.

As far as letting your loved ones down, you should be striving for great heights for your own satisfaction, and your own sense of accomplishment – not because you fear that your loved ones may not love you as much if you do not. You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you are worthy of being loved by your family, whether you do well in your exams or not. YOU are worthy, not because of your performance in your exams, but because of who you are.

Hope this bit of insight helps you in the future too. All the best.

Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PU student and I am facing a severe crisis. I am not able to concentrate on what I am studying. I just cannot focus for long. As a result I am taking a lot of time to complete simple lessons and moreover I am not able to recollect or remember things properly. As a result I have not been able to score well. Moreover of late I am making a lot of silly mistakes in my examinations, contributing to my average scores. I get frustrated and disappointed by this.

Even though I study for long, I am just not able to finish things to my satisfaction. My parents and teachers have really high hopes on me considering my previous achievements (95% in SSLC and 92% in I PU) and this is not making my situation easier.

I love to play sports, but I am not allowed, neither in college or at home. Even while playing sports also during practice sessions I play quite well but during the actual match I just cannot play properly as I suddenly feel disinterested and can give only an average performance. I feel very bad about it especially after doing so much practice.

Another problem is I tend to postpone things. Also sometimes I am able to study a lesson in an hour but when I try to revise later it takes close to 3 hours which I can't understand why. 

Also during the exam time I feel like doing everything else except studying but during my vacations I don't feel like doing anything and end up wasting my time watching TV or just doing nothing.

Of late I can't even make simple decisions without pondering over it for a very long time. I keep forgetting things, misplacing things and also losing things though I try to be careful, everyone says that I am just lazy and careless.Also I have a feeling that I should not think of whatever I am doing in a negative way. Even though I try to keep away from these negative feelings they still manage to creep in.

I am really feeling desperate and disappointed because of my poor performance and also that I won’t be able to reach mine, as well as others expectations.

A desperate student      

Dear student

There are several things you talked about in this letter, and it would be hard to address all of them here.

However, there is one common theme that runs through, and I think it may help you to talk about that. I think you are anxious about the results of your performance, whether in your exams or in sports, which is not allowing you to perform at the level of your potential. Remember, your goal should be to put in your best effort because that is the only thing you can control. You cannot control the result. And, sometimes, anxiety about the result overwhelms us to such an extent that we are not able to focus on putting in our best effort.

There is an article I had written in this newspaper some time back on helping students to deal with exam anxiety, and it may be helpful for you to read that at this point.http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html

Your anxiety may not be allowing you to focus and concentrate, may be causing you to make silly mistakes, and be distracted, resulting you in getting more desperate, disappointed and frustrated (to use your own words). You say you worry about “what would happen if you got a sum wrong? I ask you to answer that question for yourself. What would happen?

Please write down your worst fears and set them aside. Once you articulate your worst fears you may realize that nothing of significance really may happen. At the most you will get the sum wrong and may be lose a couple of marks. Now, if you think about that rationally, that is not the end of the world. It is something you can deal with, and live beyond. 

You also talk about not living up to others, and yours, expectations.

You need to worry only about your expectations.Others expectations will manage themselves. Your goal should not be to live up to others expectations, but to achieve your own potential, whatever that is. If you tell yourself that you should not think any negative thoughts, your mind will only fill up with more negative thoughts. All of us get thousands of thoughts all the time.They come and go. And that is what you must allow them to do. Come and go. If you hang on to one thought and say you must not think it, you will be prone to think of it even more. Quite like if I tell you not to think of a pink elephant, you are bound to think of it even more. And sometimes it may just help to write down the thoughts and anxieties on a piece of paper and set them aside, so that they are not cluttering up your mind.

Since you have so many conflicting emotions affecting you right now I would urge you to see a counsellor who may help you make sense of them. If you are not able to access acounsellor, it may be helpful to reach out to some of the free helplines that offer assistance. Once such is the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline on which you can reach a counsellor Monday to Friday from 4 pm to 10 pm. The number is 080 65333323.

Good luck, stay focused and all the best for your exams! Remember, the exams and your performance in them do not define you. You define yourself!

Don't live up to others' expectations - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of June 13, 2013]

Dear Madam
I am studying BE Telecommunication in VTU. To be frank with you, now I am 27 yrs old. I took admission in 2005 and I was to complete the course in 2009. But due to my negligence and laziness, it is only now in August 2013 that I have got admission into the final year. Since I am taking 8 years to complete my course, it will be very difficult for me to get a job in any MNC. So now, as I have few months free till August for my final year admission, which course should I go for that will be useful for me in getting a job. Till now I have studied Programming Languages like C, and C++. Please suggest any career oriented courses of upto one year duration. Even if it is expensive, I will go for it. I am interested in software courses as I am interested in writing the logic for a program. I am the only son of my parents and they have huge expectations from me. I don’t have any plans for PG studies. I am already 27 now. So please provide me enough details of institutions, which would recruit me to good MNC.
Student.

Dear Student
I am not a career counsellor and so have no advice for you on which courses you should attend to brighten your chances of a job in an MNC. All I can suggest is that don’t make your life about living upto your parents’ expectations alone. What are your expectations from yourself? Don’t strive to achieve something only as a favour to your parents. The biggest beneficiary of your professional success is you, not your parents. They will merely be happy to see you grow in whichever area you choose. The actual joy and satisfaction of doing well is going to come to you, not your parents. So it is about time you decided that you needed to achieve something because you want to do something in life.

It is good that you have been able to recognize the reasons for your not clearing your exams in time and keeping up with your peers. Recognizing where the problem lies is half the battle won. If you know where the problem is, it is much easier to overcome it. Remember also, that success in the workplace is not merely a function of marks. It depends, to a large extent, on your soft skills as well - your ability to communicate, lead a team, be a team player, think creatively and out of the box, problem solve, etc. You may want to spend your next few months focussing on those areas.

Dear Madam,
I am a 9th grade CBSE student studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Recently I changed my Section and I am facing an inconvenience. I was a topper in my previous class. After changing the Section, I feel I can't cope because of the competition. All the toppers of the other sections are in my section, and I feel inferior between them. I want to gain my confidence back. PLEASE HELP!
Student

Dear Student
It looks like you have been shifted into a section which has all the high performers from all classes. I am sure this was done to make the environment more challenging, and hence more meaningful, for all of you - to help you achieve your potential and better equip you to face the future competitive environment. You should not view this as a threat, or an inconvenience, but rather as an opportunity that you have been given because of your good academic performance.

It is not important to always be the topper amongst a group of children. The goal of education is not to top, but to learn, and to gain the tools to achieve your potential, now and in the future. Would you rather top amongst an average set of students, or be amongst the entire set of top performers, even if you are not at the top. Your goal must be to maximize your learning and put in your best effort. Your sense of self-worth must come from your self belief and confidence in your own abilities, not from the fact that your marks were the highest. Your sense of achievement and success must come from being as close to achieving your own potential, rather than from being the top amongst a mediocre bunch.

So be thankful for the opportunity that you have got. Change is always difficult because it involves stepping out of your comfort zone (in this case, that of knowing that you can easily top your class). But to grow and achieve our potential we must step out of our comfort zone, no matter how scary that process. So go ahead and plunge in.

Dear Ma'am,
I completed my 1st PUC Science(PCMB) with an average percentage. I have no intention of joining any tutorials as I believe that I am confident of reaching my goals with the coaching given in my college. Even in my 10th Std (State syllabus) I managed to secure very well without tutorials. But now, everyone I know have joint tutorials and I am literally the only person who is not as serious as others. I feel too depressed and insecure. In spite of this, I have no interest whatsoever to join tutorials because I know I can't balance both college and tutorials. I feel too anxious just thinking about 2nd PUC. Being insecure as I am now, I have lost hope of doing well. I experienced all of these before the start of 10th Std too, but I managed in the end. But, now I feel too low. Some of my college teachers have begun their own tutorials and I feel even the teachers suggest to join tutorials. There is no one to inspire and motivate me to prove that it is possible to succeed without tutorials and this fact has pushed me to the edge. I am willing to put my best efforts and work hard with dedication. Is that enough? Everyone has this theory in mind that only students who go to tutorials can do well in 2nd PUC. Is that true? Can I perform well without going to tutorials?
Arpitha

Dear Arpitha
If you are confident about your ability to work hard and put in your best effort, then you do not need to do something because everyone else is doing it. Most people go to tutorials because that forces them to put in the extra work required, which they are not confident and disciplined enough to do on their own.

Ultimately success in the exams will depend on effort, diligence, and dedication, whether it is in the tutorial classroom or at home. What the tutorials may do is make you more familiar with the style of questions that may come in the examination, but you can get that from past question papers as well. The tutorials are just an extra tool that students use, to make sure they haven’t missed on any help they can get. Tutorials cannot guarantee success without the student’s own dedication and effort.

I am happy to hear you say that you are confident of reaching your goals on your own. Ultimately, that is the confidence that will drive you to success, not tutorial classes. So don’t lose heart. It is always difficult to do something that is different from the crowd, but go with what your heart says.

 You say you are not as serious as others, yet on the other hand you say that you have the confidence to do it on your own. These are contradictory statements. Obviously you are serious and have confidence in your own ability. Seriousness is not measure by how many classes you attend.

Don’t let your fear and insecurity incapacitate you. Every one needs to find the means to the end that works for them. Just because tutorial classes work for others, does not necessarily mean they will work for you.

Others may not have the same confidence that you have. Don’t let others’ fear and insecurities convert your strength into a weakness.

All the best

n

What do you expect from yourself? Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 23, 2013]

Dear Madam, 
I have finished my 10th std in 2000 and PUC in 2006, due to some family problems. I completed my degree in 2009 and after that I took a job in a school. Now I want to do MCA. I am worried about the impact that the gap may have on my future if I work in the corporate sector. And my percentage is not so good in PUC. Please help me.  
Student

Dear student,
If you are able to explain your gap in a way that is authentic and shows how you used that opportunity to grow and gain life experiences, you may in reality be able to position yourself as someone who may be more of an asset to an organization. Don’t look at that gap as a failure, or a short coming, but as a life event that gave you opportunities to gain life experiences that you would not have got in a classroom. So think about what the reasons for the gap were, how did you use the gap time, what did you learn in the process and how are you a better person now because of it. If you analyze your gap time in this way, you start thinking about it as an opportunity that taught you something. If you able to convey that in your interviews, you can convert it into a strength. Remember, success in the corporate world does not depend on your marks, but on several other things like your confidence, your communication skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to problem solve, your ability to work in a team and lead a team, and so on. Marks just open the door.

Dear Madam
I am currently in my 2nd year CS Engineering. I was very good at studies in the 1st year and in my PUC. My CGPA in the 1st year was 8, but in my 3rd semester, somehow I lost interest and neglected my studies. I got 2 backlogs. I'm not able to regain my strength. My mind is getting distracted from studies, my parents have lot of hopes for me. I even read motivational books, but the motivation will be there in my mind only for one or two days. I joined college to achieve something, but I'm not able to concentrate now. I want to achieve something in my life, but I don't know what is lacking in me. I'm very confused. Please help me.

Dear student,
I understand that your parents have lots of expectations from you, as is natural for all parents. The important thing for you to answer is what are your expectations from yourself. This is not about your doing something for your parents. This is about your life, and your doing something for yourself, that makes you happy and fulfilled. If that happens your parents will be satisfied. Remember, the biggest beneficiary of your “success” is going to be you, not anyone else. So find your motivation. What are your dreams? What are the steps you need to take to fulfill them? Break up your goals into small, achievable targets so that you get a sense of fulfillment along the way. Failure in any one of the steps on the way, does not mean that you are a failure. It just means that you failed at that task in the first attempt, and you need to learn from your mistakes and try again. Try to understand what is distracting your mind. Is it stress and pressure, is it the peer group, is it a romantic relationship, is it fear? Once you are able to understand the source of your distraction you can address it.
All the best.