Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 4, 2014]

Do not be afraid

Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. I have been a topper in my class since childhood. I am a very honest and sincere student. I never copy even if the answer paper is given to me! But these days I am growing jealous of my peers who score more than me by such unfair means, and I feel nobody has real talent, but they just keep getting marks without any actual knowledge. When I sit to study, sometimes this thought comes to my mind and I get irritated and lose my interest in studying. This has posed a great challenge to me and I am not able to come out of it. I want to stop this habit of “jealousy” and study with a cool mind.Please help me.
 
A student

Dear student

I understand that you are a very diligent and sincere student and you believe in putting in your hard work to get the results. You don’t believe in cheating and using unfair means and that is a great value to uphold. Ultimately, you are the one who is gaining the learning in the process.

You cannot control what others do and believe. You can only control your own actions and beliefs, and live by your own values. Obviously the values of the others don’t sit well with you which is why you are not following that path.

Remember, you will feel happy only when you are true to yourself, and live by values that you hold dear. The benefit in the process is that you gain the learning which others don’t. In the short-term you may feel they are better off because they are getting the marks without much effort. But, remember that in the long-term (and that is what matters), you will be richer in knowledge and have a better work ethic, and that is what will hold you in good stead in life.

Life is not about getting better marks than the others, it is about doing your best, and being your best and exploiting your true potential. You are not the one who should be getting jealous of them, they are the ones who should be jealous of you because you will be the winner in life.Good luck!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam, 

I am a girl studying in class 9. I have a problem connected with my studies. The problem is not in scoring marks. I always score above 95%. The problem is I study only at the time of my exams. During leisure time I don’t feel like studying at all. Sometimes my mind is diverted to all kinds of nonsense things. I do it having the knowledge that it is not good. Later I realise that it is harming me and I stop doing that. Do I need to practise some kind of meditation to concentrate on my studies? Please help me through this.

PH 

Dear PH

You should feel blessed that you are able to score well with a little bit of effort. You should celebrate this instead of feeling guilty about it. Imagine what you will be able to achieve with some more effort.

Having said that, it is not essential that you need to study all the time. If you were meant to study in it, you would not call it “leisure” time. You don’t need to feel guilty. Yes, if you are doing something harmful to yourself, or others, you should make a course correction. Ask yourself what you are gaining by doing that ‘nonsense’ activity. What is the “harm” that it is causing you? What are you gaining by causing that “harm” to yourself? When you are able to weigh the pros and cons, you would be able to make a more informed and wiser choice.

Meditation is proven to be helpful and these days mindfulness meditation is gaining a lot of popularity. It can’t hurt you and can only be helpful, so go ahead and start practicing it, anyway.All the best.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam,
 
I am a student of Class 12. I am not able to answer questions in class. For some reason I am low on confidence. I hesitate to clear my doubts. I cannot communicate with my teachers. When my teachers ask me questions, I get nervous and tense. I need to overcome this fear. Please help.

A student

Dear Student

You are not alone in having this fear. Many students have this fear. You need to ask yourself what are you scared off? What is your worst fear? If you ask your teacher something, what is the worst thing that can happen? Once you are able to identify what the worst possible outcome is, you will realise for yourself that, that is something you can probably live with and that it need not be so scary.

For instance, if you were to say that if you were to ask your teacher something in class, to clarify your doubt, the worst thing that could happen is that the teacher (or fellow students) may think you are dumb. And they may start laughing at you. My question to you is that if they do think you are dumb, does that mean that you are really dumb, or does that make you dumb.

That is something you need to ask yourself. What would make you give so much importance to their opinion of you, that you hold yourself back on their account? If for some reason they did end up thinking you are dumb, that does not become the reality. The reality is whatever you believe about yourself.

The universe just starts reflecting that. This is a relatively easy fear to overcome, and I suggest you work with a counsellor to help you, if you are not able to do it yourself. Remember, you need to believe in yourself and your capabilities, and your opinion of yourself is ultimately the only thing that matters. Don’t let others define you – define yourself! All the best

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of April 24, 2014]

Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PUC (commerce) student. I have hardly 20 days left for my exams. Though I have completed studying the entire syllabus,solved previous year question papers and also secured 95% in my preparatory I feel that my preparations are not enough. I aspire to be one among the state toppers and this feeling of fear is bringing me down.I want to know what I can do to overcome this fear. Both my parents and lecturers are expecting high results from me and I don't want to let them down.

A student

Dear Student,

By the time this gets published your exams would probably be over. However, my response would probably help you deal with your fears and anxieties in the future as well. I would like you spend a few minutes thinking about what would happen if your worst fear (of not being a state topper) came true!

How would it feel? Would it impact the rest of your life in anyway? Would it even matter, and be of any significance, a year down the line? Would your parents still love you? Would your friends still have you as their friend? Would you still get admission into the next step of your education? Would your teachers still remember you as a good student?

Once you are able to answer these, and other similar questions, honestly, you will probably conclude that the importance you are attaching to being a state topper may be disproportionate to the gain that you will get out of it. 

It is great to aspire for great heights, but the fear of those heights should not prevent you from climbing them. After all, nothing material will really happen if you are not able to climb that height. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you don’t do as well as you would like to, it does not mean that YOU are a failure. All it means is that you were not able to achieve as much as you would have liked to.

As far as letting your loved ones down, you should be striving for great heights for your own satisfaction, and your own sense of accomplishment – not because you fear that your loved ones may not love you as much if you do not. You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you are worthy of being loved by your family, whether you do well in your exams or not. YOU are worthy, not because of your performance in your exams, but because of who you are.

Hope this bit of insight helps you in the future too. All the best.

Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PU student and I am facing a severe crisis. I am not able to concentrate on what I am studying. I just cannot focus for long. As a result I am taking a lot of time to complete simple lessons and moreover I am not able to recollect or remember things properly. As a result I have not been able to score well. Moreover of late I am making a lot of silly mistakes in my examinations, contributing to my average scores. I get frustrated and disappointed by this.

Even though I study for long, I am just not able to finish things to my satisfaction. My parents and teachers have really high hopes on me considering my previous achievements (95% in SSLC and 92% in I PU) and this is not making my situation easier.

I love to play sports, but I am not allowed, neither in college or at home. Even while playing sports also during practice sessions I play quite well but during the actual match I just cannot play properly as I suddenly feel disinterested and can give only an average performance. I feel very bad about it especially after doing so much practice.

Another problem is I tend to postpone things. Also sometimes I am able to study a lesson in an hour but when I try to revise later it takes close to 3 hours which I can't understand why. 

Also during the exam time I feel like doing everything else except studying but during my vacations I don't feel like doing anything and end up wasting my time watching TV or just doing nothing.

Of late I can't even make simple decisions without pondering over it for a very long time. I keep forgetting things, misplacing things and also losing things though I try to be careful, everyone says that I am just lazy and careless.Also I have a feeling that I should not think of whatever I am doing in a negative way. Even though I try to keep away from these negative feelings they still manage to creep in.

I am really feeling desperate and disappointed because of my poor performance and also that I won’t be able to reach mine, as well as others expectations.

A desperate student      

Dear student

There are several things you talked about in this letter, and it would be hard to address all of them here.

However, there is one common theme that runs through, and I think it may help you to talk about that. I think you are anxious about the results of your performance, whether in your exams or in sports, which is not allowing you to perform at the level of your potential. Remember, your goal should be to put in your best effort because that is the only thing you can control. You cannot control the result. And, sometimes, anxiety about the result overwhelms us to such an extent that we are not able to focus on putting in our best effort.

There is an article I had written in this newspaper some time back on helping students to deal with exam anxiety, and it may be helpful for you to read that at this point.http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html

Your anxiety may not be allowing you to focus and concentrate, may be causing you to make silly mistakes, and be distracted, resulting you in getting more desperate, disappointed and frustrated (to use your own words). You say you worry about “what would happen if you got a sum wrong? I ask you to answer that question for yourself. What would happen?

Please write down your worst fears and set them aside. Once you articulate your worst fears you may realize that nothing of significance really may happen. At the most you will get the sum wrong and may be lose a couple of marks. Now, if you think about that rationally, that is not the end of the world. It is something you can deal with, and live beyond. 

You also talk about not living up to others, and yours, expectations.

You need to worry only about your expectations.Others expectations will manage themselves. Your goal should not be to live up to others expectations, but to achieve your own potential, whatever that is. If you tell yourself that you should not think any negative thoughts, your mind will only fill up with more negative thoughts. All of us get thousands of thoughts all the time.They come and go. And that is what you must allow them to do. Come and go. If you hang on to one thought and say you must not think it, you will be prone to think of it even more. Quite like if I tell you not to think of a pink elephant, you are bound to think of it even more. And sometimes it may just help to write down the thoughts and anxieties on a piece of paper and set them aside, so that they are not cluttering up your mind.

Since you have so many conflicting emotions affecting you right now I would urge you to see a counsellor who may help you make sense of them. If you are not able to access acounsellor, it may be helpful to reach out to some of the free helplines that offer assistance. Once such is the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline on which you can reach a counsellor Monday to Friday from 4 pm to 10 pm. The number is 080 65333323.

Good luck, stay focused and all the best for your exams! Remember, the exams and your performance in them do not define you. You define yourself!

Believe in yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am in Class XII and am very weak in studies but do very well in sports. Should I study or do sports? Please help me, ma’am. My parents don’t help me in both.

Aisha

Dear Aisha,

You are fortunate that you have been able to identify a strength area for yourself. However, even if you focus on sports, you need to be able to identify a way to make it a profession that can sustain you financially. Only a handful of the top sports people earn a lot of money through sports.

For the rest of them, they have to marry their strength in sports with other business ideas to be able to sustain themselves. To be able to do that without other education may be difficult. It may be good for you to look at your academic education as a way of opening doors for you to leverage on your strength in sports. You would probably need the academic qualifications to open some doors for you in the future. Without the academic qualifications you may find your options severely reduced.

So, by all means, focus on sports, but think about how you are going to convert that into an idea that will sustain you financially. You can then view your academic education as a stepping stone to gain the skills for the implementation of that idea.
I hope that was helpful. I urge you to communicate with your parents so that both of you are able to understand each others’ points of view and take an informed decision jointly.

Dear Ma’am,

I am studying 2nd PU now and am really confused as I have to prepare for both NEET and Board exams, and my score in physics and mathematics are really poor. I want to be a doctor, not any doctor but a cardiologist. I know my maths score is immaterial to my dream of becoming a doctor but I want to keep my options open and have a good score in my Board exam as well. And, I often lose confidence on my ability to achieve my dreams and feel that I may have taken the wrong decision. Even after having a good knowledge of what I study, I fail in its presentation. Even in languages I lose marks due to my poor presentation. But, I used to score well in CBSE syllabus in which I completed my tenth. I think I can score well in all the subjects because usually I score well in unit tests but when it comes to summative tests I fail in my performance. I have great hopes of my parents on my shoulder. I don't wish to be a failure. Please solve my riddled conceptions.

P Eshwar

Dear Eshwar,

You seem to be too stressed and that is leading to your lack of concentration and poor performance in exams. It is natural for anyone to have some element of self-doubt about their choice of path.

The grass may always appear to be greener, or easier, on the other path.
I don’t think you should let your parents’ hopes on you weigh you down. They are meant to motivate you, not lead you to dysfunction. You have to believe in the fulfillment of your own hopes and dreams and in that process, your parents’ dreams will also be fulfilled. You are not alone in having to bear the weight of parental expectations. All parents have expectations from their children.
These expectations are meant to motivate children, not to weigh them down. Remember, there are several ways to fulfill parental expectations, unlike the common perception that there is only one right way.

Ultimately your parents want you to be happy and successful. It is your interpretation that they will be happy only if you are happy and successful in ways that they define. You have a choice to be happy and successful in ways that you define. Exercise that choice.

Also, define your end goal - is it to do well in the Board exams, or to do well in NEET, or to become a doctor, or to become a cardiologist, or to become a world-class cardiologist, or to help people live longer lives? Take a long-term view and treat the exams on the way merely as milestones towards that goal. They are not defining moments unless you make them out to be that.

Dear Madam,

My daughter is eleven and a half years old, studying in VI std. She is having a lot of problems with studies. Basically, she is a mild, intelligent, friendly and bold girl, who is ambitious to be a popular leader. She has a knack for speaking extempore and won group leader elections. She is hyper sensitive and a very stressed girl.

Nowadays, her stress level has increased so much that she hates to go to school, and even the sight of her school uniform and books upsets her. Her main problem is studying for tests & exams. Since she has come to a higher class, the frequency of tests has increased and because of the high stress, she finds it very difficult to sit down and work hard. She is a fast learner but the stress is causing a lot of problems. I constantly counsel her. We have never put any kind of pressure on her academic performance.

I would very much appreciate and would be grateful if you could advise us as to how we can help our child reduce her stress so that she will carry on with her activities without difficulty. Kindly help.

Concerned mother

Dear mother,

I can understand your concern, because being able to face stressful situations is a very important life skill for all of us. The difference between those who are successful in life and those who are not, very often is dependent on how people handle the various stresses that they are bound to experience in life. I think it would be very helpful for you to take your child to a counsellor who will be able to work with her through this process.

Stressful situations are most often the result of our irrational beliefs like, “I have to succeed at everything I do otherwise I am worthless”, “Everyone has to think I am a great person or has to like me”, or “My worth depends on how many people like me”, and so on. A counsellor will be able to uncover your child’s beliefs that are holding her back, and help her replace them with more rational beliefs that will allow her to deal with her stresses more easily.

After all, your happiness and your ability to deal with stress depends on what you think you are worth. And the foundations of that get laid in childhood.

Dear Madam,

I just wanted your suggestions to go ahead with my life and career. I could not pass 2nd PUC even after two attempts. After the second attempt, I started working. Since three years I am an office executive. Because I don’t have education I’m not at all valued anywhere. I really want to do something in life because I have my family who is depending on me. I don’t mind working under you also if I can grow. I’m not interested in studies. Also please give me some suggestions wherein I can come up in life.

Smitha

Dear Smitha,

Unfortunately, I am not hiring people to work under me. However, remember that the value the world ascribes to you is merely a reflection of the value you ascribe to yourself. You may not have formal education, but you may have other strengths which can help you. You need to identify your strengths and that will make you feel empowered.

The strengths are not only things that you do, or have achieved, but are also a function of the person that you are. Remember, Dhirubhai Ambani hardly had a formal degree as a foundation for his success.

And there are many other such names that one can come across. Success in life depends not only on your educational degree, but on many other life skills like your confidence, your ability to communicate, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to lead a group, or be an effective member of a group, your risk-taking and creativity, your entrepreneurship, your sincerity, your drive, and so many other things.