Work on your communication - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on October 1, 2015]

Dear Madam
I have found that there is a large difference in my classmates’ levels of confidence, meaning a few students dominate group work to the detriment of others. While I have belief in my own judgment, I do not seem to be able to convince others to listen and take my perspective as seriously. What can I do to get myself heard? Should I tackle the loudmouths?
A student

Dear student
I am not sure what you mean by ‘tackle the loudmouths’? It is always better to try and bring about changes which are within us and over which we have control, rather than attempt at trying to change and control things that are outside of you and over which it is inherently impossible to have any control. So rather than planning to ‘tackle’ the external elements, it would be good for you to identify what changes you can bring about within yourself to generate the changes you want in your environment.

There are two fronts that you can work on. Firstly, you can work on communicating to the group what their behaviours are making you feel. Sometimes people behave in certain ways without realising the impact their behaviours are having on others. So don’t say something that is accusatory and challenging what they do. Try using an “I feel…” statement which says “when you do this, I feel…”

This way, you are not questioning and challenging them (which would no doubt make them defensive) but you are just stating what you feel and that becomes an issue about you, not them. There is nothing right and wrong about your feelings. Feelings just are and it is important to articulate them sometimes.

Secondly, you can work on how you can make the communication of your points more assertive. Can you modify your communication technique in any way? Can you gain the confidence and strength to take charge of the discussion? Can you communicate your points clearly? Can you take on a leadership role in a project?

The next time you have to work in a group, can you be the first one to take charge of the leadership position. It is important to believe in yourself, and believe that you are as good as the others in the group. That gives you the confidence you need to behave in a more assertive manner and get your points heard. You may benefit from reading the following articles which were published in this newspaper earlier.
http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

Hope this helps. All the best

Dear Madam
I am 15-years-old. Recently, I went to see my friend, a classmate, and we met up with some others. I updated my mother constantly to let her know where I was, but when I got home (five minutes late) she was angry with me. What can I do to make her trust me? My dad was fine about it.
BCDear BC
It would help for you to ‘communicate’ with your mother and try to understand her feelings and concerns that caused the anger. People don’t just get angry. They get angry because of something else that they are feeling and to understand someone’s anger, it is important to understand those unexpressed feelings. So have a conversation with your mother about what she felt when you got late. It is important to be able to have a rational, calm, cool-headed conversation if you want to make some progress here. It will be futile for you to get defensive and aggressive.

The objective of the conversation must be for you to understand your mom’s anger, and for you to communicate your own feelings when you felt you did no wrong. The key is to focus on each other’s feelings, not on the behaviours.

Hope this helps in strengthening the relationship you have with your mom. It will be wise to remember, though, that trust once broken is hard to re-establish and takes a lot of time. So you are better off not betraying your mom’s trust in the long run — to the extent that you can.
All the best.

Dear Madam
My studies are affected because a classmate is constantly absent and borrows my notebooks. I’m the one who gets it in the neck from the lecturer, when I am sometimes unable to submit my work in time. How do I shake off this classmate, without making a big fuss about it and without annoying her?
VR

Dear VR
It is important for you to try and understand why you are not able to say ‘no’ to her and why you are so worried about annoying her. It is okay for you to be assertive (not aggressive) about what works for you, and what does not. It is not important for everyone in the class to like you. Just like you may not like everyone in the class equally, it is okay for some in the class to not like you as much as others. Often we believe that everyone must like us, and if we say “no” to something they may stop liking us and that will be a terrible situation. So try and understand why you are not able to either say “no” to give her the notebooks, or being firm about your expectations with respect to her bringing your notebooks back in time. It is not possible to please all the people all the time, and it is not necessary. So understand yourself to help you resolve this dilemma. What is the worst thing that could happen if she did get annoyed with you?

Recognize your strengths - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education page on July 30, 2015)

Dear Madam,
I am a final year engineering student (ECE) in Hubli, Karnataka. During my childhood I wanted to become a scientist and join NASA as I was interested in space. But after completing my second year PU, I don't know what has happened to my goal and my ambitions! 

From being a good student I have become   become average and study  only to pass examinations. I sometimes try to motivate myself to study but it does not last for very long.  Also, I am very addicted to technology and I am unable to come out of it. My campus placements are going to happen next week and I wanted to get placed, but I am not able to study. Please help me.

Mayur M Naravani
Dear Mayur

By the time you get a response to your letter your campus placements may already be over. However, no matter what the outcome of that, I think it is important for you to get the help of a counsellor to help you regain your motivation, uncover your hidden potential and add meaning to your life. 

Obviously your addiction to technology, while it is fulfilling a need for you, it is also coming in the way of your attaining your potential. Any kind of addiction is bad because it makes you dependent on an external factor for your own existence. NIMHANS, in Bangalore, has expert help available to help people deal with technology addiction, should you choose to take that help. 

It is great that you are able to recognize that you have greater potential and that something is blocking you in achieving it. Recognition is the first step. Now get the help you need to help you identify what is blocking you, and how to go full-steam ahead and achieve whatever it is you choose to.

Dear Madam,

I have a Diploma in Electrical and Electronics with 74.67% from Hubli, Karnataka. Due to lots of problems at home I dropped my PU course and completed diploma in E&E. As my family cannot afford engineering financially, I have to begin working. 

Please suggest how I can start to look for jobs and build my career and work passionately. I plan to join B.Com as a external student with a recognized university (Karnataka University Dharwad). Please guide me.
A Student
Dear student

Your question is really meant for a career counsellor to guide you on how to go about deciding on your next step, and maybe possibilities of funding your education through loans and/or scholarships. I really have no expertise in helping you with that. However, I would like to say that even if you don’t have the formal qualifications, with the right attitude and motivation you can learn and progress as you wish. Sometimes qualifications only open a few doors. 

Eventually making a success of those openings is an entirely different story and depends on the person’s soft skills more than anything else, like the ability to communicate, the ability to take risks, the ability to solve problems and think creatively, the ability to work in a team and leadership skills, among other things. So get started, give it your best shot, and keep climbing from step to step – but also remember to look back and take stock of where you started from and how far you have come.

All the best
Dear Madam,

I have completed my 2nd PUC Science and I am very poor in Maths. While I am interested in taking up 5 year law course, my father however wants me to do engineering. I don’t want to regret  taking up engineering even after knowing that it is not suitable for me. I’m confused. Please help me by telling how I can convince my father. Also tell me what the scope for law is.

Shivakumar
Dear Shivakumar

I think you and your father need to have an honest open communication about what you should do. You need to understand why your father wants you to do engineering. I am sure he wants the best for you, and thinks that engineering is the only route to achieve that. You should also be clear and communicate to him about why you want to do law, why you think it is the right choice for you, and why you think engineering is not for you.

I totally agree with you that you should not enter a field that you do not have any interest in.  However, it is in your interest to carry your family along with you in your decision. To do that you may need to do some introspection and self-analysis to figure out why you feel your choice is the right one for you. Remember that your father eventually will want the same end result that you want – for you to be happy and successful at whatever you do. You are not two opposing forces, and you don’t need to view the situation as such. Hope this helps and all the best.

Dear Madam,

I am currently confused about what career options to take. I have completed my B.Com from RC university Belagavi, Karnataka. I'm interested in banking sector and also in the defence sector. I'm writing the relevent exams for it as well. But I also want pursue MBA to complete my post graduation. But I have a third semester backlog of business statistics in B.Com so all my future plans have been kept on hold. Unofficially I have completed B.Com but due to the third semester backlog I am not able to apply for jobs.

I have lost my patience and confidence. In my home nobody is ready to guide me or help me in this regard. I want to have a career- which I like and enjoy and moreover earn respect from my friends, colleagues and family. But financially we are not so well off. This is the root cause of the problem. I have been waiting for a long time to tell you all this and seek your advice and solution to my set of academic problems.
Nikhil More
Dear Nikhil

Liking the career you have chosen, enjoying it and earning respect from your friends is all in your control as it is largely driven by your own thoughts and feelings about yourself and your situation. You can choose to view the same job as boring and mundane and do it in a routine mechanical fashion, or you can choose to be thankful for it and give it your best shot, all the time looking to think out of the box, solve problems, and give it your 100%. 

If you respect yourself your friends will have no choice but to respect you. What the world says about you is a reflection of what you feel about yourself. If you respect yourself, the way you interact and respond to situations will force others to respect you as well. Getting a job per se is not what gets you respect. It is what you bring to the job, or what you give to it, that ultimately earns you lasting respect.

Good luck!

Success is a relative term - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on November 3, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I’ve been meaning to write and seek help since I started my first year PUC. The first year started off in great zeal but soon after, it became difficult to cope with the State syllabus. Except for Math, I lost interest in every other subject. The teachers are inspiring enough. I can’t turn to my parents for help. They are worried about me.
I then joined a crash course before I began Second PUC, which helped me immensely. I also made a few good friends at the crash course camp. I returned with enthusiasm and a brand new perspective. But in two weeks from that time, I was injured in an accident with another friend and the guilt has still not left me.
I have not been able to focus on studies since then. I’m running out of time and I need help.
Worried Student

Dear Worried Student,
The contents of your letter span over a long period of time, and a large range of emotions and experiences that you are struggling with. Not only do you feel guilty for causing the accident, but you are also remorseful, and feeling frustrated at not being able to do anything about it. You are anxious about your future, and are ambitious and aspire to do well, but find yourself unable to take charge of the situation. You also seem to have some issues with your friends which may still be unresolved. And you feel that it is not okay for you to share your feelings and struggles with your parents
I think this is a lot for any child to deal with at one time, and it is not surprising that you are finding it difficult to focus on your studies. When there is so much internal conversation and so many thoughts going on in your mind, it will be hard for anyone to focus. It is, therefore, extremely important that you address and deal with these emotions so that you are free to focus on your studies. I would suggest you see a counsellor at the earliest. It is not possible for me to address all the issues you are dealing with in this column and therefore strongly recommend that you get help urgently. I strongly urge you to involve your parents in your struggles, as well. The more you keep them out of the loop, the more worried they will get. And if they don’t understand your struggles you will feel pressured by them.
If you do not know where to get the help, and how to get it, your parents may be able to assist you in identifying a resource for you.

Dear Madam,
I have completed an MSc in Biochemistry with 59.05 per cent from Bangalore University, and I want to study further. But I lack the confidence because I have only scored 60.64 per cent in Class 10, 45 per cent in Second PUC and 65 per cent at the undergraduate level. Do I have it in me to clear exams such as CSIR and ICMR? Am I cut out for a career in research?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It is not for me to tell you what kind of student you are and whether you will be able to continue in the research field, considering the only data I have are marks that you have shared with me. You will be able to do whatever you set your mind to, and whatever you are motivated about.
Remember, success in life is not a function of only your marks, but also of your confidence, your belief in yourself, your self- esteem, your analytical abilities, your communication skills, your leadership capabilities, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think out-of-the-box, etc. Marks may only open some doors for you. So don’t let your past marks discourage you. Look at the future, and use the past merely as a stepping stone to the future, not a defining factor.

Dear Madam,
I have completed Second PUC (Commerce). I’m interested in pursuing a diploma in Automobile Engineering, but my parents have opposed the idea, as they believe that the course does not have much scope these days. They insist that I pursue a BBM degree instead. I’m confused. I am currently studying a short-term animation course. Please help.
Joe Roberts

Dear Joe,
Have you researched the opportunities that will become available to you after you do your diploma in Automobile Engineering. Do you think those opportunities will interest you and give you the kind of career and lifestyle that you are aspiring for? If your answer to these questions is yes, then go ahead and convince your parents.
Try and understand your parents’ perspective on why they are keen on BBM. What are the opportunities they anticipate will come your way, and what career aspirations do they have for you. I think it is important to have this discussion to understand each other’s wishes, desires, and aspirations. I am sure if you are convinced about your choice, you will be able to convince your parents. Problems will arise if you are trying to convince them about something that you are not sure about. Do your homework first.

Communication is the Key - Ask Our Counsellor Q & A Column July 7, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 7, 2011]

Dear Madam,
Even though I’m very patient with my friends, I lose my temper with my folks at home. My parents comment on each and every move of mine. I really don’t intend to offend them, but sometimes I lose my control . They seem to oppose everything I do which makes me feel I’m incomplete and always wrong. Please suggest a remedy for my problem.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you feel suffocated by the constant monitoring of your parents. You also feel that they do not have confidence in you, or trust in your capabilities. This makes you feel inadequate and incapable.

What stops you from having a conversation with them about how their behaviour makes you feel? Our teenage years are when we individuate from our parents, and define ourselves. Parents often tend to miss this dynamic taking place, and end up being either judgmental or uncomfortable with their children taking on different points of view. They often don’t recognise their child’s growing need for some space .

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is the result of your feeling some other primary emotion — like feeling lonely, sad, guilty, inadequate, unloved, unworthy, and a host of other feelings. It is important for you to be able to identify your underlying primary emotions which result in your feeling angry. And, then discuss this dynamic with your parents.

If you feel unable to have this conversation with your parents on your own (because of your heightened emotions), I suggest you see a counsellor on your own (who can help you deal with your emotions), or as a family (so that the family dynamics can get sorted out). Communication is the key. I am sure your parents don’t have bad intentions. If this is causing you discomfort, then the onus to resolve this lies with you.

Dear Madam,
I completed my PU but failed to perform well in CET. I aspire to be a great doctor. Please help me. I’ve planned to write CET again next year. But I often get bored with books. Staying all alone at home, I waste my time watching TV. My parents don’t let me touch a cell phone or laptop. Help me in concentrating on my studies.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
I commend you for clarity on your ambition and aspirations. And, also, for the fact that you want to be, not just a doctor, but a great doctor. Unfortunately for the path you have chosen you would need to put in a lot of hard work and there are no shortcuts for that. However, the motivation for the hard work has to come from within you. And, if it genuinely is coming from within you, then you would not feel bored working towards your goal.

I am not able to reconcile the first part of your email to the second part. You would not be complaining about not having access to a cell phone or laptop, and watching too much TV. It seems to me that your parents are putting in these controls to help you work towards a goal that they have set for you. I think you need to search within and see what is it that you genuinely want. Once you have found that, you will have no time for distractions if you are truly committed to your path.