Don't let the world define you - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of October 18, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am doing my PUC. I scored 86.2 per cent in SSLC last year. I was confused about what I was going to take up in PU, and my sister suggested that I take up Science. Now I am worried about what to take up after PUC. I am having sleepless nights thinking about my future. Actually, I’m interested in many courses except engineering.

I’m interested in doing something different. The work which I do should give me happiness, it should be worth doing, and moreover I should feel proud about myself. My family supports me a lot. The problem with me is that I don’t like to sit in front of the computer for a very long time. I always dream about doing something creative. Actually I’m interested in MBBS, fashion designing, journalism, something related to agriculture,etc. Moreover, ours is a middle-class family where my parents can’t afford a large amount of money only for my studies. Also, students like me lack the information about various courses which have a very good scope.

After reading the article published in Deccan Herald on September 27, 2012, I felt like you are the one with whom I can share my problem and even ask for some solutions. So I, from the bottom of my heart, request you to give me some ideas for my future. Please advise me. I’ll be looking forward for your reply.

Priya

Dear Priya

I think your question is best answered by a career counsellor who can assess your strengths and interests and help you choose a career that you will enjoy. All I can say is that you are in the fortunate position of having many choices, in terms of interests, to choose from. And since your choices are very diverse in terms of the training you need for them, you need to narrow down your selection. 

I suggest you do an exercise for yourself. On a sheet of paper write down all your career choices. Then for each of those choices, analyse for yourself (or get the help of others in your family who seem to be very supportive of you) what your strengths are that will assist you in that line; what are your weaknesses that may hinder your progress; what are the opportunities available in that field, as you see them now; what are the costs involved in each of those options vs. what is the typical earning potential; what are among the best institutes to train for each of those options and what do you need to get admission into them; and, what do you feel is the future potential for that field. Once you do this exercise for each of the options you are considering, you may be able to narrow down your choices by realizing that either you are not a good fit, or the opportunities are not great, or that you don’t really have the special skills required to excel in that field. 

Apart from this exercise, you said that the work you do should give you happiness, it should be worthwhile, and it should make you feel proud. All these things are within your control. It is not the ‘work’ that will give you all these — it is your interpretation of how worthwhile you find the work, that will give you happiness and make you feel proud. That is not for the world to decide, but for you to decide for yourself. What worth you bring to the profession is something you must define for yourself. Don’t let the world define you. So, in continuation of the above exercise, you must also think about and write down what gives you happiness, and what about yourself makes you proud. 

How will you know that the work you do is worthwhile. What external signals will give you that information?

You said your fear about what you will do in future is preventing you from sleeping these days. What is your worst fear? Think about it. Sometimes fear is such an ambiguous amorphous thing that if we don’t define it for ourselves, it can take over your whole life. So what are you scared of? What is your worst fear, in case you make the wrong career choice, or the choice ends up not being that satisfying after all? Yes, some choices may be better than others, but every choice will eventually depend on what you make of it. And, no choice needs to be final or fatal, in the eventuality that you discover it to be wrong.

Hope this helps. Good luck

Go with the flow and enjoy the swim

[The following article by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Living Supplement of September 29, 2012]

Don’t create resistance in a relationship you value, says Maullika Sharma.


I recently got an email from a friend’s daughter saying that she was going away by herself on a six-week trip to Europe.

Surprisingly this found me grappling with a mix of emotions and questions, and I wondered why I was confused. Was it because she had an 18-month old baby and I was being judgmental about how incorrect it was (in my opinion) to just take off on a whim, leaving the baby with dad and grandparents? Was it because I was jealous and I wanted to do the same? Was it because I was never able to even dream of doing such a thing when I had an 18-month old baby (not only because of circumstances, but also because I would never even have considered it a possibility)? Or, was I just in awe of her boldness and her clarity about the importance of defining her own space? I think it was probably a little bit of all of these things.

Once she was home after her sojourn, the young lady in question was thrilled to get an apology from her husband for under-valuing her contribution over the past 18 months. He’d had to spend two whole days by himself (i.e. without his parents) with the baby, before she returned, and that experience gave him a renewed appreciation for her role and her contribution. My friend’s daughter, no doubt, was thrilled to receive the apology. However, she wondered if two days was really enough to give him a complete picture and get a complete appreciation? She was cribbing to me about this, and I found myself telling her to be happy she got some apology!

I am not sure what point she was trying to prove, and to whom. But I told her that she shouldn’t be doing these things just to prove a point. She should do it only if she wants to, for herself – not to give a message to someone else.

I believe that relationships should not be about proving points. After all, how many points are you going to try and prove? And, to how many people? And, then, what if, you still don’t prove anything (because accepting the point being made is really dependent on the other person)?

Life is about going with the flow and enjoying the swim. Unfortunately, though, all too often, we make it about proving a point to the world, to our partners, to our children, to our parents, to our friends, to our colleagues, and even to ourselves.  This forces us to resist the flow, and never really allows us to enjoy the swim. And, isn’t that what life is really meant to be about — enjoying the swim.

So when and how do we resist the flow?We resist the flow with our children when we get so caught up in our anxieties, about their future, or ours, that we forget to enjoy the millions of priceless moments they give us. We get so wound up in trying to control them, and our life, on every front, that we forget to prioritise and let go of the unimportant. Everything becomes equally important, and everything becomes a stress-full battleground.

We resist the flow with our partners when we make the relationship about establishing superiority and authority. We also resist it, surprisingly, when we make it about establishing equality and trying to reinforce equality in everything, from who does how much, to who earns how much. Essentially, we resist the flow every time we try to control what the other person says, does, or is. Unconditional acceptance allows us to enjoy the swim; being constantly judgmental creates the resistance.

We resist the flow at work when we make work about being the winner in our competition with peers; when we make it about always being right, and being ahead. We enjoy the swim when we allow ourselves to have fun, learn, enjoy the bonding with colleagues and be human enough to make mistakes and still move on relentlessly.

We resist the flow with our friends when we make our friendship about material acquisitions and professional success. We enjoy the swim when we cherish the bonding and the presence and support of our friends in our life. When the care freeness, that is the central theme of the very popular Airtel jingles, changes to who has more, does more, or is more, we generate resistance.

Whatever the relationship, when we make it about our ego, power and control, we create resistance. When we allow ourselves to be human, and make the relationship about the love, connection and bonding, we are able to enjoy a leisurely, yet energy-giving, swim in the pool of life. And, if the relationship is not important, then go ahead and make it about proving a point.

Meanwhile, to the young lady, I said, “I really do hope you had a good time, whether you won the point or not is immaterial! You deserve it! You did it! Be thankful for it!

Focus on your strengths - Ask our counsellor Q & A column

The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 27, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I have completed my M.Sc (CS) with an aggregate of 73 per cent and I’ve been looking for a job for the past six months. As I have a very low score in my 10th and 12th I have less opportunity.
I feel very depressed to hear that all my other classmates got placed — even those with lower marks than me. I really don’t understand what’s lacking in me. The few companies in which I have cleared rounds, didn’t call me back for further rounds. I have lost faith in myself. My sister wants me to study abroad. But I am not sure if I should go abroad, as I’ve not even been able to do well here. The sad part is that I am very bad at programming, but I feel that if I have to study, I must take up computers. The problem with me is I don’t know what I’m good at. I want to work like everybody else, and my family feels that I’m not dull and have good grasping powers. But I don’t have confidence at all. I feel like trying out everything, but due to some failures I find it difficult to pursue anything further. Please help.
 
Sushma

Dear Sushma

I am glad you took the time to write to me. There are several things about your letter which make me hopeful, even though you say you have lost hope. Firstly, you seem to have a family that believes in you and is willing to stand by you, even though you don’t believe in yourself. You should not underestimate the value of a supportive family, and neither should you take it for granted.

It is not something everyone has, and you should feel thankful for it. To me this also means that you have strengths and capabilities that others can see in you but that you are not allowing yourself to see.

I would like you to take a few minutes and write down what you believe your strengths are. You may find this hard to do at first, given your current belief that there is nothing good about you. If you are unable to make progress with this on your own, try taking the help of someone you can trust in your family or extended support system. Being mindful of our strengths gives us the courage to draw on them when we are in challenging situations.

There are a couple of fallacies in your belief system that I seem to pick on. Firstly, that marks equal success. Marks may just open a few doors for you into the work place but will not guarantee success. Success in the workplace depends more on your self esteem than your marks — it depends on your confidence, your belief in yourself, your communication skills, your ability to work in a team, your leadership skills, your ability to think creatively and out-of-the-box, your ability to problem-solve, etc.

The reason you may not be getting to the next stage in your interviews may not be because of your marks, but because of your low self esteem which you may be communicating in other non-verbal ways. Read more about this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

The second fallacy I see is your giving up in the face of failure. Failure is a part of the road to success, and is merely a stumbling block on the way. You cannot allow it to become an obstacle that blocks the whole path.

What you make of your failure is your choice. Do you choose to learn from it, or do you allow it to define you as a success or failure. Read more about this at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html .
The only thing that may be really lacking in you is your belief in yourself and your capabilities. And that’s easy to fix because it is entirely within your control. And, if you need help with it, take the help of a counselor or trusted family member, to do it. All the best

Tide over a crisis and look at life positively - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of August 29, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am an engineering (Information Science) graduate looking for a job right now. I have a speech disorder where I repeat the words or sentences. I am more prone to doing it when I come to the last sentence of a page or when I reach the end of a chapter. No matter how much I try, I cannot control myself from repeatedly reading the last word or sentence over and over again. So I end up wasting a lot of time. This happens even while saying my prayers.

I have been battling with this form of speech disorder since Class VIII. I was extremely good at studies till Class VII and I always finished among the top three in class.  But from Class VIII onwards, my grades have been falling. I have never shared or discussed this with anyone. But recently, I came across an article on the Internet on Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, OCD. And mine is of  a repeating type of compulsion, a category of OCD. And the article has thrown light on many aspects of my life and my struggle with this speech disorder. I realised that it has had a great influence on my academics and my grades. I am slow at performing tasks and I always plan them out meticulously to avoid ruining my work.

I am lazy too. As a result, I have finished my engineering course with only 52 percentage. My main issue now is this difficulty and delay in learning. Please help me overcome this problem and become a quick learner like others. I want to study further as I have a slim chance of landing a job with low scores. But before that, I want to completely overcome my OCD of repeating words and hone my learning skills, so that I get good grades at the PG level. Please help.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

When I started reading your letter, I thought it sounded like you were suffering from OCD. I am glad you have been able to identify the problem and are now willing to address it. I am not sure which city you are in and what kind of access you have to mental health professionals. You can address the OCD to a point where it becomes manageable and allows you to lead a normal life. For this, you would need to see a psychiatrist and a counsellor who will help you.

The psychiatrist will prescribe you medication, which may help you bring the symptoms under control so that you can then start therapy. Alternately, if your symptoms are not very disruptive and severe, you may choose to do therapy alone. The kind of therapy you need, which has been proven to be most effective for OCD is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT. You can find plenty of information on this online. If you are not able to access a therapist who works in the space of CBT for OCD, you could consider using some online sites that provide this.

This therapy helps you tackle the symptoms in a gradual and systematic manner that will bring you relief. You could search for some books on the topic too which could help you understand the process. I recommend Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Dr Jonathan Grayson. Good luck.

Dear Madam,

I’m currently studying Information Science engineering. My PUC grades are not so good. I was interested in sports but didn’t seem to see any scope in that field. So I moved on and joined an engineering college even though I was not interested in the subject. Now I have lost a year due to poor scores.Will this affect my employment status in the future? I am in a lot of trouble. Please help. Sometimes, it is so frustrating that I want to commit suicide. I am very worried about my future.

XYZ

Dear XYZ,

I can understand your pain and confusion. Sometimes we end up pursuing paths that we are not interested in because of societal or parental pressure, or our own lack of awareness and understanding of interests, and then we can’t find the motivation to perform. Just finding a job should not be your goal. Your goal should be to find a job that you will enjoy and that will let you learn and grow.

And success in the workplace is not dependent on your marks. Your marks may get you an entry point, but ultimately how you perform will depend on what you make of the opportunity. And that is a function of your creativity, your communication skills, your ability to function in a team and lead a team, your ability to solve problems by finding solutions, your ability to think out-of-the-box, your confidence, your self-esteem and a host of other things.

These have nothing to do with marks. While marks are important to open doors, that is all they do. Meanwhile if you are feeling helpless and suicidal because of these, or other concerns, I sincerely urge you to see a counsellor, or contact a free support helpline to help you tide over the crisis and look at life positively.

Spare a thought, spare the rod

[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of August 16, 2012]

There are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to physical violence to instill discipline. Maullika Sharma explains this further.
 
Today, for the fourth time in many days, in my counselling room, I met with children who are victims of physical abuse at home – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod.Apart from the fact that it got me really agitated, it also made me think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to physically hurt their child; the myths surrounding domestic abuse; and the psychological and emotional fallout of this parental behaviour on their children.

I would like to believe that such acts of violence are mindless, automatic responses to a stimulus, rather than thought-out actions. And this is a humble attempt at making parents aware of the implications of these thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behaviour, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.

So what drives a parent to physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons. One of these and a very significant one is the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but take a minute to recollect those feelings.

The second reason is anxiety — anxiety about their child’s performance and a feeling of helplessness and being unable to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out “right.” This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stress, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with ‘life’ and this is their way of expressing their anger. What ‘safer’ way for the parents to express their anger than targeting someone who is ‘powerless’ to respond?

There are several myths surrounding the “need” to resort to physical violence while bringing up children. Parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful, so that they remain in control. On the contrary, these children believe their parents are ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their abilities to guide and mentor them.

Parents believe that if they beat their child, he/she will stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track. Parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way.

Parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this results only in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. Parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehaviour. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. Parents believe that if their child is scared of them, he/she will not do anything “wrong”. On the contrary, their child is even more motivated to do “wrong” behind the parents’ back.

Parents believe that if their child is scared of being hit, then he/she will focus on his/her work. On the contrary, this distracts the child and the fear stops him/her from being able to concentrate and focus. Parents believe that fear is essential to focus and achieve “something” in life. On the contrary, fear may motivate them to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.

There are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to physical abuse to instill discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, they learn that violence is an acceptable reaction and so start practising it themselves.

They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, so that they get targeted by other bullies.

Children will then work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They will slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a ‘duty-bound’ relationship with their parents. But that is not a relationship built on love, bond, communication, trust and care.

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties, whether that means practising meditation or talking to a friend or seeking the help of a counsellor.

Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behaviour.

Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of Aug 9, 2012]

Dear Madam,

No matter how hard I try, I always only manage to score about 60 per cent. My parents are always upset that I don’t get the best marks. They turn very angry after the results are announced. I get very depressed at such times, and it is very hard for me to forgive myself for scoring low. This happens every year. I don’t want to hurt my parents and don’t want them to be ashamed of me. But, I haven’t been able to fulfill any of their and my academic goals. I've started to lose faith in myself and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to score high marks.

I don’t have any true friends. Everyone hates me and talks things behind my back. They talk to me only when they need something. Everybody keeps avoiding me and don’t let me mingle in a group for any sort of activity. My presence has no meaning to anybody. I have tried very hard making friends but have been unsuccessful. Others seem to have a good time making fun of me. I am always alone at home during holidays/weekends. Things were not like this in school when I did not mind being lonely. But now I can’t tolerate it. I have become a common enemy. I haven’t caused any harm to anyone and I don’t know why people hate me. I feel very low and very stupid for scoring low and having no friends. Now I don’t feel anything at all and I don’t want to attend college.

All these years, I have not been able to prove myself to be more intelligent or beautiful or popular than the others. I’m afraid that in the future, I won’t be able to make any friends or relationships and will end up a loner. I don’t think I will be able to outshine others in any activity. I’m ashamed of facing my parents. I’ve lost all interest in life. I don’t have the strength to bear all this anymore and I feel like running away. What should I do to be a normal person? Waiting to hear from you
XYZ

Dear Student,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me in detail about all that is troubling you. There are many feelings that I pick up from your letter and I would like to address each one of these. However, I will not be able to do too much justice to each of one them here and earnestly urge you to see a counsellor who will help you work through your feelings.
Now, coming to your feeling of despair. First, I get a sense that because you feel you are hitting a bottom right now, you are not a ‘normal’ person. Let me reassure you that your feelings are ‘normal’ and many people feel this way at various stages in their life.

Second, you feel lonely and believe that no one likes you. Everyone around you seems to hate you, in your perception. You feel left out and alone. You feel everyone takes advantage of you and then moves on. You say nobody likes you. My question to you is this — do you like yourself? If you like yourself, then it does not matter if anyone else likes you or not. By the nature of your interactions with others, they will be forced to like you. If you don’t believe in yourself, and don’t think there is anything likable about you, then you start also believing that nobody else likes you. The only thing that matters is what you think about yourself. Maybe you should start by doing an exercise for yourself where you identify and write down your strengths.

You also don’t want to hurt your parents, and you feel pressured to perform up to their expectations. You feel that unless you get the marks, you are worthless, not only to them, but also to yourself. Somehow you seem to be taking on the responsibility of your parents’ feelings. Your parents are adults and will learn to deal with their own feelings. You need to be responsible for your own feelings, and believe in yourself. Even if you don’t get the marks, it does not mean that there is nothing in you to love or be proud of. Discover your strengths and feel good about them. That will give you the confidence to face the world. If you feel that you are only worthy to your parents if you get the marks, then you need to start believing in yourself and your worth. Not everyone gets the marks. But that does not mean that those people are not worthy or capable of success. Marks only open a few doors for you. What you make of your life after that is entirely dependent on your other qualities of communication, confidence, cooperation, creativity, leadership, etc. Your marks will not hold relevance then. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person.

You can’t run away from life, and neither can you control what others say about you, or how they treat you. The only thing you can control is what you believe about yourself and your worth. And believe me, if you change that for the positive, a lot of the other things will fall in place.