Focus on What You can Control - Ask Your Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald on July 13th 2017]

Image for representation.

Dear Madam, 

I am an extremely shy person. As a result, I often get bullied for not talking and socialising with others, and get called studious and serious all the time. However, this is not the case. How can I overcome this situation?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It may be helpful for you to understand your shyness a little more. Shyness often is the result of fear of the judgement of other people. We fear what they will think about us and how they will judge us. We fear a negative impression that we may make on them. We fear that if we interact with them, then they will come to know who we really are and their opinion of us will not be good. We predict this negative judgement from others about us. So, try and talk to a counsellor who may be able to understand this fear of judgment and help you interact with others more easily. Being shy is different from being an introvert. Being an introvert means you prefer to be by yourself in a quiet, less stimulating environment. Being shy means you fear negative judgment. Decide who you truly are and then act accordingly.

Dear Madam, 
I am a recent graduate and will soon start working in a corporate environment. However, as this is my first job, I fear that I may not fare well in my new role. How can I overcome this fear and give my best?
Recent graduate

Dear Recent graduate,

A first job is an exciting time. You are about to enter the next phase of your life. Congratulations! Remember, success in the workplace is more often a result of your confidence, your ability to learn on the job, your ability to solve problems and think out of the box, your ability to be an effective team member, and a leader, your communication skills and several other such soft life skills, than your existing knowledge about the job. That is something you are meant to learn on the job, not necessarily possess beforehand. Your ability to learn quickly and adapt to situations is what will hold you in good stead. All change is scary and often difficult because it requires you to step out of comfort zone. It may be helpful to talk this through with a counsellor who can help you understand why you are interpreting it negatively and what your fears are. Good luck and give yourself a chance before being a fortune-teller who predicts failure!

Dear Madam, 
I tend to worry and fret over tiny things that occur due to circumstances beyond my control. Due to this, I am unable to finish the task at hand. What can I do to 
ensure that I do not get stressed?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I think it is important for each one of us to focus only on what we can control. We often have a need to control everything that is going on, not only in our lives, but sometimes even in the world. The reality is that we cannot control anything outside of ourselves. We cannot control our family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, the man on the road, the weather, the world. There will always be things, people and events that we cannot control. We can only control ourselves – our thoughts and perceptions, how we interpret things and people around us, and how much we allow them to rule us and influence us. So, whenever you feel you are getting into this downward spiral, ask yourself what you can control and focus only on that. Let the rest of the world go on. And if you have difficulty doing this on your own, take the help of a counsellor. In case you cannot access a counsellor, call the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 76766 02702.

Dear Madam, 
As a Class 12 student of Science, I am often expected to either get into Engineering or Medicine. However, I do not have interests in either of them. As I am artistic, I either want to take up interior design or be an artist. While my parents support me, they do not fully agree with my career choice. How can I make them understand my choice and create a balance between my passion and work in the future? Kindly guide.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Your parents will be happy, so long as you are happy. Talk to them about your passion for the field, what you hope to achieve, how you think it will be fulfilling for you. But more importantly, talk about how you plan to make a living in that field. That is probably their utmost concern and if you are able to help them see your point of view and understand your plan, it may put some of their fears to rest. But to do that, you must give it some thought yourself and see how you are going to leverage your interest and passion to make a living. This process will force you to think through your options and take the necessary steps to not only pursue a particular area of interest, but to pursue it with a passion that will make you excel in it and make a difference. It may be helpful to talk to people in the field to get ideas from them and understand what you need to do in your journey to succeed. Once your parents understand your passion for the field and are confident that you have thought this through, they will come around, because ultimately, all that they would want is ultimately for you to be happy. Good luck!

Overcome your fears - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 13, 2014]

Dear Madam,I am a third year MBBS student. My score in 1st year was 70 percent and 66 percent in 2nd year. Although, I am good in practical, I falter in theory. I get low scores in every internal test and main exams. I can’t seem to find the root of the problem. Does presentation of my answers lead to low scores? This has left me depressed and lowered my self-confidence. I am a hard-working student and also know that to become a successful doctor, I need my hands-on skills more than the theoretical knowledge. But I get very distracted by the low scores.Please give me some tips in getting better marks in my theory exams.
Dear student,
Please don’t worry about the marks, because like you said, it is the learning that is more important. You seem to be better at the tougher tasks. Clinical skills, understanding and communication are what get tested in the practicals and you seem to be in an enviable position there. It may be that you have now worked yourself up and are getting anxious about getting the marks, which is then not letting you focus and concentrate while studying and writing the papers.

Sometimes, anxiety fills up our mind, and we tend to forget things we are meant to remember. It is absolutely important not to let anxiety get the better of it. Always believe that even if the worst happens, you will still be able to have a meaningful life. So, enjoy your strengths in the areas that are aspirational for others. And don’t fill your mind with worry. 

However, when you get your marked test or exam papers back, do spend a few minutes understanding where you made the mistakes and why you lost the marks. The important thing to remember every time you are not as successful as you would like to be, is to learn from the experience.

What can you learn from the situation and the result which will make you do better the next time. Self-reflection, rather than worry, fear and anxiety, can pay rich dividends. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am currently in my second year of mechanical engineering and have lost my focus on studies. Having lost a year, I feel I can’t do anything right while everyone around me is performing well. I also failed in the 12th board exams in one subject, however, I cleared it in the supplementary exam. I did my NCC and I also have a C certificate with an A grade. I want to join the army, but I am not feeling confident about myself and whenever I sit to study, negative thoughts arise in my mind and I feel that I can’t do it at all. Please help.Akshay Kulkarni
Dear Akshay,
All of us get both positive and negative thoughts. They come in huge numbers  every other day in our heads. So, the fact that you are getting negative thoughts is not something to be worried about. It is normal. You just have to train yourself to let the thoughts go. I am not sure which city you are in, and if you will be able to take the help of a counsellor to handle your negative thoughts, rebuild your confidence and regain your focus. I think it will help you tremendously to take this support. 

In case you are not able to find a good counsellor, feel free to call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323. This is a free service that you can avail of without any hesitation. Counselling will help you discover your own potential and regain your confidence. It is to your credit that you have been able to reach out for help by writing in to me via this column. Now I urge you to take the next step of reaching out for some on-going support that can really make a difference. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am a 26-year old guy from Dharwad, currently pursuing a course in hotel management and aviation in Hubballi. I suffer from social anxiety. For the past eight years, I have been taking medications but it is of no consequence. I underwent all kinds of therapies, but it has not helped me. Kindly help me out here as my future career is in jeopardy. I have major responsibilities like repaying my educational loan and taking care of my mother.Vinayak Patil
Dear Vinayak,
A large part of the treatment for social phobia and anxiety is based on cognitive behaviour therapy techniques and belief modification. I’m sorry to hear that you are not benefiting from the medications and therapy you have been undergoing. There is a lot of work being done in NIMHANS in Bengaluru to help clients with social anxiety. I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek the help of the behavioural therapy unit in NIMHANS.

I am not familiar with the resources available in Hubballi, but this is a specialised technique and I do know that there are skilled doctors in NIMHANS who may help you out. Social anxiety stems from irrational beliefs about yourself, the people around you, and your relationship with them.

You tend to undervalue yourself and your worth and capabilities, and overvalue that of those around you. This makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence, to the point of making your dysfunctional unless you are able to recognise this pattern and address the underlying beliefs that are driving it. 

I am not sure how much I have been able to help you by this response, but you are right in seeking out help, as that is the first step to getting back on track. And once you have been able to overcome the fears associated with your anxiety you can be back to handling your career with comfort. 

Dear Madam,I am pursuing my 2nd year PUC in science. I am interested in doing BSc Psychology in Macquarie University, Sydney. But my parents want me to become a doctor. Also, they are not comfortable with me going abroad for this purpose. I am confused and pondering whether the decision of studying psychology is right or not. Kindly suggest a way out.Nikitha
Dear Nikitha,
It is nice to know that you are clear about what you want to study. Many at your age do not have such a clear idea. What might help you is to spend some time thinking about your reasons for making that choice. Why are you interested in psychology? And, also think try doing a SWOT analysis for yourself.

Understand and list down your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities ahead of you and the threats in your path. You could do this at a general level, and then specifically keeping psychology in mind. This exercise will help you establish whether you have a lasting interest in psychology, and whether it will play to your strengths.

Once you have this analysis for yourself, you will be in a better position to have a conversation with your parents about psychology versus medicine, and also understand their reasons for preferring medicine. When you have made a choice of field, you can then arrive at what is the best university to do it from. Good luck.

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 4, 2014]

Do not be afraid

Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. I have been a topper in my class since childhood. I am a very honest and sincere student. I never copy even if the answer paper is given to me! But these days I am growing jealous of my peers who score more than me by such unfair means, and I feel nobody has real talent, but they just keep getting marks without any actual knowledge. When I sit to study, sometimes this thought comes to my mind and I get irritated and lose my interest in studying. This has posed a great challenge to me and I am not able to come out of it. I want to stop this habit of “jealousy” and study with a cool mind.Please help me.
 
A student

Dear student

I understand that you are a very diligent and sincere student and you believe in putting in your hard work to get the results. You don’t believe in cheating and using unfair means and that is a great value to uphold. Ultimately, you are the one who is gaining the learning in the process.

You cannot control what others do and believe. You can only control your own actions and beliefs, and live by your own values. Obviously the values of the others don’t sit well with you which is why you are not following that path.

Remember, you will feel happy only when you are true to yourself, and live by values that you hold dear. The benefit in the process is that you gain the learning which others don’t. In the short-term you may feel they are better off because they are getting the marks without much effort. But, remember that in the long-term (and that is what matters), you will be richer in knowledge and have a better work ethic, and that is what will hold you in good stead in life.

Life is not about getting better marks than the others, it is about doing your best, and being your best and exploiting your true potential. You are not the one who should be getting jealous of them, they are the ones who should be jealous of you because you will be the winner in life.Good luck!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam, 

I am a girl studying in class 9. I have a problem connected with my studies. The problem is not in scoring marks. I always score above 95%. The problem is I study only at the time of my exams. During leisure time I don’t feel like studying at all. Sometimes my mind is diverted to all kinds of nonsense things. I do it having the knowledge that it is not good. Later I realise that it is harming me and I stop doing that. Do I need to practise some kind of meditation to concentrate on my studies? Please help me through this.

PH 

Dear PH

You should feel blessed that you are able to score well with a little bit of effort. You should celebrate this instead of feeling guilty about it. Imagine what you will be able to achieve with some more effort.

Having said that, it is not essential that you need to study all the time. If you were meant to study in it, you would not call it “leisure” time. You don’t need to feel guilty. Yes, if you are doing something harmful to yourself, or others, you should make a course correction. Ask yourself what you are gaining by doing that ‘nonsense’ activity. What is the “harm” that it is causing you? What are you gaining by causing that “harm” to yourself? When you are able to weigh the pros and cons, you would be able to make a more informed and wiser choice.

Meditation is proven to be helpful and these days mindfulness meditation is gaining a lot of popularity. It can’t hurt you and can only be helpful, so go ahead and start practicing it, anyway.All the best.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam,
 
I am a student of Class 12. I am not able to answer questions in class. For some reason I am low on confidence. I hesitate to clear my doubts. I cannot communicate with my teachers. When my teachers ask me questions, I get nervous and tense. I need to overcome this fear. Please help.

A student

Dear Student

You are not alone in having this fear. Many students have this fear. You need to ask yourself what are you scared off? What is your worst fear? If you ask your teacher something, what is the worst thing that can happen? Once you are able to identify what the worst possible outcome is, you will realise for yourself that, that is something you can probably live with and that it need not be so scary.

For instance, if you were to say that if you were to ask your teacher something in class, to clarify your doubt, the worst thing that could happen is that the teacher (or fellow students) may think you are dumb. And they may start laughing at you. My question to you is that if they do think you are dumb, does that mean that you are really dumb, or does that make you dumb.

That is something you need to ask yourself. What would make you give so much importance to their opinion of you, that you hold yourself back on their account? If for some reason they did end up thinking you are dumb, that does not become the reality. The reality is whatever you believe about yourself.

The universe just starts reflecting that. This is a relatively easy fear to overcome, and I suggest you work with a counsellor to help you, if you are not able to do it yourself. Remember, you need to believe in yourself and your capabilities, and your opinion of yourself is ultimately the only thing that matters. Don’t let others define you – define yourself! All the best

Identify your fear - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Times online edition on May 15, 2014]

Dear Madam
I am 25 years old and am currently unemployed. I completed my BCA in 2011 and since then I have desperately been searching for a job but I couldn’t find a suitable one for myself, I was diagnosed for aplastic anaemia while I was in the second year of graduation. Since then I have been under medication and have been admitted to hospital several times. I am medically unfit as my immunity is very low. Due to bad circumstances my career took a back seat. Somehow I finished my degree. As of now I want to pursue an MBA, but considering my health and financial situation I am unable to take a risk. I am really confused and depressed about my career.  I come from a very poor background and highly dependent on my relatives and friends. I have many dreams and ambitions to fulfill. I want to achieve many things in life.
XYZ    

Dear XYZ
It is unfortunate that you were faced with health conditions that interfered with your education. However, you must just view them as an obstacle that you have overcome. You should feel proud of the fact that in spite of everything you were able to clear your exams. Many circumstances are beyond our control and we just have to learn to do the best we can with them. There is no reason why you should give up on your dreams and ambitions. You must stay focused on them because that will give you the motivation to push yourself. You could look at options to study while earning – part time options, or distance education options. Or you can look at earning for a while, stabilizing your financial situation, and then going back to study. Also, sometimes a lot can be achieved by self-study as well and these days there are many, many options to do that meaningfully. A degree may open some doors, but to make the most of an opportunity you get is not dependent on the degree – it depends on your passion, knowledge, motivation, communication skills, creative thinking, problem solving, and other softer skills. So go ahead and follow your dream, but allow yourself the possibility of following your dream in non-traditional ways as well. Believe in yourself. There are many ways to get to the same destination. And we each need to choose our path given our circumstances.

Dear Madam,
My son is doing his 10th standard. He is a slow learner, suffering from specific learning disability and has been exempted from languages.  He is very interested in subjects like Mathematics and Science, but however much he tries, he is not able to score much. He has an aversion towards Social Science. He wanted to take up only PCMB in PUC and unwilling to take any other subject. He is adamant. His only aim is to become a pilot. Though I keep telling him about the difficulties in doing the course he is not getting convinced. I am very confused. I do not know how to pursue with his future studies. Is there any other option?
N Meera

Dear Meera
What is your reservation about his becoming a pilot. You do not mention anything about why you are against that choice. If he has a passion about what he wants to do and is very clear about it, it is important for us as parents to support their choices. So it is important for you to try and understand what your concerns are. It is important that children like the career path they choose and are passionate about it. That makes for them being much happier as working adults. Many children have no idea about what they want, and you should feel blessed if your child is clear about it. So rather than try and convince him otherwise, I think you should try and introspect and understand your own
reservations on this matter.
All the best

Don't let your fear immobilize you - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of January 9, 2014]

 
Dear Madam
I am a class X student. When I sit to study, I study only for a few minutes. I get distracted very easily. I think that I will do it after some time but ultimately the days pass. That leads to studying the whole portions before the examination day. This happens to me every year. Due to this my results are always below 80%. I really don’t want to face this mess in my Board exams so I want you to suggest me a solution for this problem.
A student

Dear student

What amazes me, and gives me a lot of hope, is that with hardly any effort you are able to get 80% marks. Can you imagine what wonders a little bit of effort can do? You need to be grateful that you are blessed with the intelligence you have, and make the most of it. Very often people need to put in a lot of effort to get to your level. You only need to put in the effort only to go beyond that level. That is a great place to be in and the choice to make the most of it, or to fritter it away, is yours, and yours alone. You owe it to yourself, more than to anyone else. So count your blessings that you have an option of chasing the sky because the only missing component is one you have complete control over – your effort! What are you waiting for?
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class XI. I had scored 92% in 10th standard. But now it has declined to 40%. I don’t know what happened to me and my confidence level is almost 0. My aim is to become a lecturer in zoology. But I don’t like any subject nowadays. I really don’t know what to do in my future. Please help me madam.
Vidyarani Mahendrakar

Dear Vidyarani
It is important to try and analyze for yourself why there has been a sudden drop in your performance. Only when you understand the reasons for something happening can you take necessary steps to rectify the situation. Are you distracted by something, or someone? Are you not interested in subjects anymore? Are you finding them difficult? Are you not understanding what is happening in class and therefore not able to follow the material? Are you scared of your exams and the marks and the fear is immobilizing you, or are you feeling pressurized to perform and is that what is making it hard for you to focus. It is important to understand the reason to be able to address it, and for this you may need to take the help of an adult you can trust, or a counsellor. Once you know the reasons that are holding you back, you can work on addressing the issues involved.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in class 6 CBSE. I am average in maths and when I practise maths for hours my brain gets stressed and I fall asleep for a long time. Madam, please give me a few tips so that I can be stress free.
Akash vardhan

Dear Akash
As a 6th grader, my advice to you is to make stress your friend. Stress is not always a bad thing. In fact some stress is often good and necessary because it motivates us to put in our best effort to do better. It drives us to achieve our potential. So don’t look for a stress-free life, because it doesn’t exist. Instead look at stress as a helpful force that pushes us to do our best.

So if maths is stressing you out, it does not mean that you have to give it up because it is bad for you. It only means you have to try a little harder and put in a little more effort to get success in it. And maths is one of those subjects which immediately rewards effort – the more effort you put in the better you get at it.

Dear Madam,
I am an aspirant of civil service. I hail from Udupi and came to Bangalore in 2012 June for coaching from a coaching institute. Initially I was interested in studies and fully concentrated. As exams were approaching I lost interest in books. I stopped going to classes and was watching TV for hours together. As a result I lost in my first attempt. In 2013 June I decided to work as a teacher to reduce the financial burden on my parents and to manage time and money. It is almost two months since I have touched my books. I am confused regarding my optional paper. I studied in Kannada medium from standard 1 to 10. I am therefore scared that my essays may not be up to the mark. I don’t know what to do. Please guide me.
Sanjana Vasudeva

Dear Sanjana
Don’t let your fear immobilize you. Confront your fear, face it, and make fear your friend. Let it be your motivator to drive you to put in your best effort. What is the worst that can happen if your essay is not up to the mark? At best you won’t clear the paper. Which, in any case if you don’t put in your effort, you may not do. So instead of letting that fear immobilize you, let it motivate you to put in more effort in all areas, There is nothing that cannot be overcome with genuine and sincere effort. If you know that essays are your weak spot then take some extra help in that area – ensure you speak in English, watch English movies, read an English newspaper and books.

Also, remember, there is no weakness we cannot overcome – either by putting in an extra effort to minimize our weakness, or by changing our belief about the debilitating impact of our weakness on us, and compensating for it by focusing on other areas.
Good luck

Naming your fear helps conquer it - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 28, 2013]

Hello Ma’am,
 I am a student of RVCE, Bangalore in the Electrical and Electronics branch, presently in the 2nd year. I am totally confused about what to do after engineering. Basically I want to become a successful entrepreneur (industrialist), earn a lot of money and have a happy life, not as a middle class working employee. But the problem is I don’t have rich parents who can afford to give me the initial capital, or send me for higher studies. I am interested in fields like research and development. I am a gadget and gizmo freak. So I am not able to know what exactly I need to do because of which my performance in engineering college has gone down. I am even depressed a lot. I was a bright student and confident too. I used to read lots of technology magazines and newspapers and was interested in gadgets and technology. But now, I am totally confused and under-performing too. But I believe I am a very quick learner and very good at understanding concepts unlike other guys. My main goal is changing the present electrical systems, transmission, and generation. I want to make something for the betterment of humans. However, I know I am a little over ambitious too. Kindly help me.
Student  

Dear Student,
I can sense your confusion and worry about the future. You say you want to be successful, earn a lot of money and happiness. I want you to take a few minutes to identify what success means to you. How and when will you know that you have been successful. Success can mean different things to different people, and unless you define it, you could constantly be chasing an elusive mirage. So how will you know that you have been successful?

You also seem to assume, in your letter, that happiness is a function of how much money you have. You may have all the money in the world and still not be happy. Or you may hardly have any money, and still be happy. Happiness is not a function of money. Happiness is a state of mind. And you alone can make yourself happy or unhappy. It depends to a large extent on how you interpret situations, and how satisfied you feel with yourself. And the sooner you are able to see happiness as a product of your internal locus of control, rather than something that is dependent on the external world, the happier you will be able to make yourself. So again, define what happiness means to you. It is good that you are confident of your capabilities and know some of your strengths. There is no such thing as over-ambitious. You are either ambitious or not. It is always good to aim high so that you have something to work towards. But don’t let achieving that be your source of happiness, or a definition of your success. Your happiness and success should be defined in terms of your journey, and milestones on your journey, rather than only on the ultimate goal.

While I am not in a position to tell you what specifically you should do after your engineering, It is important that you answer these questions for yourself and find the motivation within. It is not necessary to have ‘family wealth’ to succeed. You can succeed on the power of your ideas as well. These days there is a lot of boost to entrepreneurship in the country, so if your idea has weight, you will be able to find the funding.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class 10. My problem is that I get very tense during the days of my exams. While preparing for the exams, I start shivering, sweating and feel like vomiting. Though I go through all my lessons, I feel I am not prepared. I go through all my chapters again and again though I have already studied them once or twice. I get so tense that I start crying and at some point of time, I stop studying and go to sleep. Even at that time, I think about whether I'll be able to complete the portions for my exams. Then I study all through the night and keep on studying until I enter the examination hall. I don't eat anything and spoil my health during these days. I also trouble my parents in this process. And finally after the results are out, I am one of the top 5 rank holders. Why does this happen to me? I find all my friends so confident. Why am I not as confident as them? Why do I get tense so easily? My Preparatory Exams are fast approaching and I don't want all this to happen to me again. Please help.
Yashaswini Yogesh

Dear Yashaswini,

I understand that you have a panic attack at the time of your exams, and now that your Board Exams are approaching you are concerned about this. I am glad you have sought help and recognize that you should not be getting so panicky. When you compare yourself to your friends you feel you are the only one reacting like this.

Firstly, let me assure you that you are not alone in panicking before exams. It happens to many youngsters, even though outwardly you may not be able to tell in some cases. However, you are right in thinking that you should not react this way and that there must be a better way around this problem.
I would like you to take a few minutes thinking about what you are scared of. The panic is the result of fear of the outcome. So what drives the fear and what is the worst possible outcome? Ponder over this. Once you name the fear, you may realize that the worst possible outcome is something you can live with. It suddenly does not seem to be as scary as you had thought it is. Don’t let the fear paralyze you. Think about the fear and confront it. Some of the possible fears could be that you will feel like a failure, or that your parents will be disappointed, or that your friends may laugh at you. These are common fears that students have. So name your fear and confront it. Believe me, that will take the punch out of it.

You ask me why this happens to you. This probably happens to you because you don’t believe in yourself. You need to believe in your own capabilities. And believe, that if you do not do well for some reason, then that is not the end of the world or the end of the road. You are still a worthy and capable person. Just because you may not do well once, does not make you are a failure for life. Remember, failure is an event. It is never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person. Very often we interpret as a total failure and therein lies the problem. To understand this, you could read the following articles on my blog - ‘Putting exams in perspective’ ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and ‘It’s not the end of the road’ ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html ).

Remember to focus on the effort and not on the marks. Effort is all that we can control. Our fear often arises because we focus on the marks and the marks are not in our control, so we have a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness due to the fact that we can’t control the outcome.

Hope this helps and good luck for your exams.

Don't let the world define you - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of October 18, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am doing my PUC. I scored 86.2 per cent in SSLC last year. I was confused about what I was going to take up in PU, and my sister suggested that I take up Science. Now I am worried about what to take up after PUC. I am having sleepless nights thinking about my future. Actually, I’m interested in many courses except engineering.

I’m interested in doing something different. The work which I do should give me happiness, it should be worth doing, and moreover I should feel proud about myself. My family supports me a lot. The problem with me is that I don’t like to sit in front of the computer for a very long time. I always dream about doing something creative. Actually I’m interested in MBBS, fashion designing, journalism, something related to agriculture,etc. Moreover, ours is a middle-class family where my parents can’t afford a large amount of money only for my studies. Also, students like me lack the information about various courses which have a very good scope.

After reading the article published in Deccan Herald on September 27, 2012, I felt like you are the one with whom I can share my problem and even ask for some solutions. So I, from the bottom of my heart, request you to give me some ideas for my future. Please advise me. I’ll be looking forward for your reply.

Priya

Dear Priya

I think your question is best answered by a career counsellor who can assess your strengths and interests and help you choose a career that you will enjoy. All I can say is that you are in the fortunate position of having many choices, in terms of interests, to choose from. And since your choices are very diverse in terms of the training you need for them, you need to narrow down your selection. 

I suggest you do an exercise for yourself. On a sheet of paper write down all your career choices. Then for each of those choices, analyse for yourself (or get the help of others in your family who seem to be very supportive of you) what your strengths are that will assist you in that line; what are your weaknesses that may hinder your progress; what are the opportunities available in that field, as you see them now; what are the costs involved in each of those options vs. what is the typical earning potential; what are among the best institutes to train for each of those options and what do you need to get admission into them; and, what do you feel is the future potential for that field. Once you do this exercise for each of the options you are considering, you may be able to narrow down your choices by realizing that either you are not a good fit, or the opportunities are not great, or that you don’t really have the special skills required to excel in that field. 

Apart from this exercise, you said that the work you do should give you happiness, it should be worthwhile, and it should make you feel proud. All these things are within your control. It is not the ‘work’ that will give you all these — it is your interpretation of how worthwhile you find the work, that will give you happiness and make you feel proud. That is not for the world to decide, but for you to decide for yourself. What worth you bring to the profession is something you must define for yourself. Don’t let the world define you. So, in continuation of the above exercise, you must also think about and write down what gives you happiness, and what about yourself makes you proud. 

How will you know that the work you do is worthwhile. What external signals will give you that information?

You said your fear about what you will do in future is preventing you from sleeping these days. What is your worst fear? Think about it. Sometimes fear is such an ambiguous amorphous thing that if we don’t define it for ourselves, it can take over your whole life. So what are you scared of? What is your worst fear, in case you make the wrong career choice, or the choice ends up not being that satisfying after all? Yes, some choices may be better than others, but every choice will eventually depend on what you make of it. And, no choice needs to be final or fatal, in the eventuality that you discover it to be wrong.

Hope this helps. Good luck

Work can do wonders - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Feb 23, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am a second-year, B.Com student and I come from an agricultural family. I have studied in Kannada medium till Class 10. My ambition is to become a chartered accountant. But I also have familial responsibilities to handle before that. I have scored 76%, 81% and 72% respectively in three semesters, but 90% is my target. I am a hard worker and dedicated but still I cannot reach my target. Am I overconfident of my skills? I have the following questions:

*I studied in Kannada medium. Is that getting in the way?
*Why am I securing marks between the above percentages only? What steps can I take to reach my target?
*How can I avoid being overconfident?
*My father suggests I take up a job after completing B.Com and pursue an MBA through correspondence. Is that possible?
Swapna G

Dear Swapna
I feel that you may have clarity on this matter by meeting a career counsellor. However, here is what I feel about the questions you have raised. You say your ambition is to complete CA. Let me caution you — while you may like to complete your CA exam, your ambition should not be to complete the exam, but to become a successful chartered accountant. The exam is not a goal in itself and does not guarantee success. The exam is merely a necessary stepping stone to your becoming a professional in that area. I am sure if you put in your best effort, you will be able to achieve whatever it is you want. Remember that marks are only stepping stones, and not goals in themselves. They are also not guarantors of success in life, which depends on many other things, the least important of which are marks.

I am not sure how you have arrived at the conclusion that you are overconfident. Are you not putting in your best effort? If that is the case, then it is creditable that you have that self-realisation. The only way around that is to put in 100% of your effort. Focus on the effort, not the marks, because the only thing you can control is your effort, not the marks. Nothing is a problem, if you are aware of it and willing to work at overcoming it. English is the language of the business world in most of India, and a good working knowledge of English will definitely help you. But the problem can be easily overcome by focusing on it and taking English language classes.

I am not sure if M.Com really adds any value, unless you are going in for further higher education and academics. For a job in the corporate world an MBA would be more beneficial. However, I do feel that doing an MBA after working for a couple of years is more advantageous. So even if your family needs are pushing you towards a job now, you could always do an MBA a couple of years later when things have settled down.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 (ICSE) student with a Science, Math and Computer combination. I performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue to perform like this, I won’t be doing very well in the pre-boards and Boards. I constantly forget theories and keep mixing them up. I don’t know why I can’t focus on my studies. I am distracted by the computer, mobile, etc.

While studying, I keep confusing one theory for another, especially in subjects such as Physics and Chemistry. I am afraid to share these concerns with my teachers. My parents don’t understand the issues. I have tried following time tables but that has not helped either. I need some help in focusing. Please help.
Student

Dear Student,
You seem to be really tense about your exams, and it seems that your anxiety about the future is not letting you focus on what you need to do in the present. I have talked about this often in this column before and I want to point you to a couple of my articles which address this issue. Please read them if you get a chance. It’s not the end of the road at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
and Why exams are nothing to worry about” at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html

It is very important for you to feel relaxed in order to be able to concentrate. Try some yoga and deep breathing to help you calm down. Let technology be a tool that helps you, not one that makes you a slave to it. The reason you get easily distracted is because you are tense, and the distractions become an easy “escape mechanism”. You say that you are shy to discuss these concerns with your teachers. We are generally shy when we think we are not good enough and therefore, feel the need to hide. Remember that you are not alone in having these anxieties and fears about exams, and your teachers probably have many students come up to them with the same fears. To have fear is normal. It does not make you any less worthy or capable.

Don’t let the fear overpower you. Talking about it makes it somehow seem manageable. So talk about it, not only to your teachers, but also to your parents. I am not sure I understand why you feel your parents are unapproachable. Sometimes, we build barriers in communication in our mind and they are not based on any reality. Try talking to your parents. They may surprise you by understanding.
All the best.

Take it easy, kids! - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 9, 2012]

Dear Madam,
Please tell me how to study (I get tense while studying), improve my concentration and memory skills? I can’t spend more than 10 minutes studying as I get distracted with texting or reading books. I am a procrastinator. I face difficulty in spelling words. Is it too late to learn how to spell?
Student

Dear Student,
As I have said in this column many times before, you need to study for the sake of learning. You need to focus on putting in your best effort, and not on the result, because the effort is the only thing within your control. If you put in your best effort, then even if you don’t get the marks, at least the learning stays with you. The marks will depend on several other external factors on which you will not have any control. So focus on putting in your best effort and on the learning (which are the only things in this equation that you have direct control on).

You need to address your fear of the outcome that is making you tense. What are you worried about? When your mind is preoccupied with the tension, how can it concentrate on the learning. You need to voice your fears and worries (either to a trusted adult, or to a counsellor if you have access to one) so that you can either work through them, or throw them out. As for succumbing to distractions and putting things off, or taking things lightly — we only do that when we think we are doing something for somebody else and it is not really for our benefit. If we recognise that the effort in studying is purely for our benefit and our long-term gain then we don’t get distracted so easily, nor do we start doing other things — because we enjoy what we are doing, and we do it for ourselves (not to keep our parents happy).

I don’t think it is too late to learn anything, and I am sure if you focus on your spellings, you will be able to learn them. As a starter make sure that everything you write is correctly spelt. Don’t let the spell-check do the work on the computer — do it yourself. And avoid the SMS abbreviated forms, which I feel, tend to make people assume that those abbreviations are the actual acceptable way of spelling. Most of the questions I get in this column are in SMS abbreviate language when they come!

Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC student and I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the rest of my class as I spent three months in NCC camps. I am in the Science stream and I am interested in Psychology and Marine Biology but cannot choose between the two. I have been getting good marks in Zoology but scoring low in Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Botany. My exams are coming up and I am not able to concentrate, in class and at home. Help.
Vidyasri

Dear Vidyasri,
I am not in a position to help you in your subject choices. Maybe you should discuss that with a career counsellor. Your choice of subjects should ultimately depend on your career goals and aspirations. The subjects chosen should ideally be an aid to that choice.

It is creditable that you are keeping up with your extra-curricular activities, though it seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you. Don’t think of them as unnecessary activities which sap you of time. Instead think of yourself as being fortunate in being involved in them, because these give you life skills that no amount of classroom teaching will give. And ultimately success in the workplace and in life, depends not so much on your marks, but on your leadership and communication skills, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think creatively and think out of the box, your ability to solve a problem and a lot of other skills. Success today depends most on your self esteem. You will find a lot of material on this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/

Dear Madam,
I am a Second PUC student and I am finding it hard to focus on subjects due to ‘result anxiety’. Every time I start with a subject, I get excited thinking about the results but later lose interest in the subject. I was a bright student during school but the last two years have been disappointing, results wise. I haven’t done much. My parents have high hopes on me and are expecting me to crack IIT-JEE or AIEEE. I am under a lot of pressure and this is affecting my ability to concentrate.
Anxious Student

Dear Anxious Student,
I think you need to deal with your anxieties, because if you have so much anxiety you certainly will not be able to concentrate. I think you need to communicate your anxieties to your parents, and let them know how their pressure is not helping you. Please talk to an adult you can trust, or to a counsellor (if you have access to one) to get help on dealing with your anxiety. You need to be able to understand for yourself what your anxiety is due to. Anxiety is the result of a fear that we have of a potentially bad outcome. Understand what you are fearful of, and then gauge for yourself if those fears are rational or not.

Yes, your parents, may be having high hopes for you (as all parents do for their children) but your worth to them is, I am sure, not based only on your cracking the IIT-JEE or AIEEE exams. You can live up to their hopes of your success by doing well in any field that you choose. Like I have said many times before, success in life is not dependent only on your marks and exam results.

In fact later in life they have no significance. Success in life is dependent on, more than anything else, your self esteem. So focus on the learning, not the marks. Focus on finding your passion and excelling in it, not on clearing an exam for your parents’ sake. I am sure your parents want you to clear the IIT-JEE exam because that is the path they know to success and happiness. You can prove them wrong by finding another path to the same goal!

Have a Clear Mind - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Education Supplement of Deccan Herald on January 12, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC (state syllabus) student. I have finished my mid-term exams and one test. I am not satisfied with my performance. My Class 10 score is 75 per cent. I used to score well above 95 per cent earlier. But I am unable to attain high scores in college as I find it difficult to learn the subjects. How I can improve my scores and my level of concentration while studying? How many hours should I devote to studying?
Chaithra M N

Dear Chaithra,
Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study. Remember, putting in your best effort, is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. Sometimes, that may not result in the maximum marks, because marks are dependent on many external variables over which you may not have control. But, if you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.
Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I have scored average marks in the mock tests. But I am confident of scoring above 95 per cent in the coming test and final exams. But when I sit down to study, I am haunted by memories of the past and I lose interest in the subjects before me. I can’t share my feelings with my parents. I am a sensitive girl and silly things hurt me a lot. How can I study with an uncluttered mind? I am also very short-tempered.
Thirtha Rai

Dear Thirtha,
It is very important that you deal with your past if it is bothering you so much. From your letter it seems that you don’t talk to anyone about them, because of which your mind is always preoccupied with them. If your mind is not free, then how will you be able to concentrate on your studies? I suggest you speak to someone you trust, or to a counsellor, who can help you. If your school has a counsellor, that may be your best bet. My sense is that these unresolved sorrows are also leading to your anger which keeps surfacing.
What are your fears about sharing your feelings with your parents? Sometimes, our actions and our fears are based on irrational beliefs that we must learn to challenge and then change.
The best way to deal with anger, is not to suppress it, but to express it in a non-destructive way. Try maintaining an anger journal which will force you to think about your anger after every angry episode. Think about what made you angry, how you expressed it, whom did you express it to and what did it do to your relationship with that person. Do this every time you get angry so that the story of your anger is there for you to see and revisit and analyse once the incident is over. Also remember, every time you are angry, count to 10, and ‘let it pass’ before flying off the handle. When we are angry, our amygdala (the feeling part of the brain) hijacks the thinking part of the brain and does not let us function normally.
If none of this helps, then get the help of a counsellor. You could also call some free counselling helplines which may be helpful.

Dear Madam,
I am a third-year engineering student. I have always been the class topper. I have never had any close friends. I used to be a loner in school. After school, I joined a Diploma course in Bangalore. I made new friends in college and ended up neglecting my studies. Are my friendships causing my grades to fall? If yes, then how can I overcome that and get back my percentage.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Remember, that life has to have many dimensions at the same time for it to be meaningful and enjoyable. It does not have to be only studies, or only friends. In fact, it should not be one or the other. You must be able to maintain a healthy balance between the work that you need to do, and spending time with your friends.
Possibly because you never had friends earlier, studying was your way of escaping that reality. And you justified it to yourself saying it was important to keep getting good marks, and that you could not do that if you had any friends. Now, that you have tasted the joy of having friends, you may be trying to catch up for lost time by focussing only on your friends and not on your work.
I am glad you had made friends, and are learning to enjoy life as well. However, be careful about not falling prey to peer pressure. In the fear of losing your friends (and maybe having to go back to your friendless days) don’t lose yourself. Don’t just blindly follow everything they say. Remember, you come first. You need to respect yourself and your needs, and others will automatically learn to respect you.
Friendships cannot give trouble. They add meaning and a very important dimension to your life. However, you cannot give up control of your life to your friendships. You have to keep the control with you, so that the friendships are a support to your success, not an excuse for your failure. All the best.

Chart Your Own Path - Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column May 26, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on May 26, 2011]

Dear Madam

I am a 15 year old boy. I love sports and I feel I can excel at it, but that’s just a gamble. My parents force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. Of late many sports men are found to be making a lot of money through sports, I think I could as well. What should I do, Study or Sports?

Dear Sportsperson

I have three observations to make about your letter. Firstly, are you aspiring to be a sportsperson for the love of the sport, or for the money you can make. Secondly, are you chasing sports for the love of sports, or for the desire to escape studying. And thirdly, if you are aspiring for the big league in sports, then by age 15 you would probably already have some indication if you can make it. So, check your motivation. Is it to make money, is it to avoid studying, or is it because you excel at it. I do not believe sports and studies are mutually exclusive. You may not excel in studies, but sports helps you concentrate better at your work and you would need some amount of knowledge about the world around you even to be a charismatic sportsman.

Ultimately, sports is about personal passion. But check your motivation first.

Dear Madam,

I have finished writing my CET exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again in securing a seat in the medical field. I am helpless at present and i don't have the courage to face my family members. I am really scared as I feel that I have disappointed them once again. Please help me. Is studying abroad a better option?

Dear Student

I can understand your worry and your anxiety. You feel helpless since you have failed at the exam a second time and don’t have the courage to face your family. You need courage to do something when you are scared of it. So my question to you is what are you scared about? Like I said in the earlier response, it is important to be able to name your fears. This helps us concretize them and see if the fears are rational or not. Sometimes we have a lot of irrational fears, and when we think about them we realize that there is no need for us to be scared of them. So what are your fears about facing your family? Are you scared that they will not love you anymore? Are you scared that they will throw you out of the house? Are you scared that they will not support you anymore? What are you scared about? They may be disappointed by your result, but their disappointment is something they have to deal with. After all no one gets everything they want, and facing disappointment is a part of life. So you don’t need to weigh yourself down with the burden of their disappointment. You need to focus on putting in your best effort in doing what you want to do. Read my article on putting exams in perspective at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
Remember, if one door closes, another one will open - you just need to look for it.

I don’t have an answer for you about whether studying abroad is a better option. It depends on your readiness to be in a new environment, your family’s financial situation, etc. Studying abroad is not a guarantee of success. The only guarantee is putting in your best effort at learning the maximum from every opportunity.

Women Leadership - a panel discussion

I was part of a Panel discussion on Women Leadership which took place for the IIM Bangalore Alumni Journal. To read a transcript of the discussion, click on the link below and go to page 18-19

http://www.iimbaa.org/IIMBAA/Magazine/IIMBAA-MAGAZINE/index.html

Convert your fear into strength : Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column December 10, 2010

The following queries answered by me were published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt December 10, 2010

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Standard 10 and my Board exams are fast approaching. I try to read, but I can’t. I find it difficult to remember. Sometimes, even when I read well and remember well, I don't score well because I commit many silly mistakes. Sometimes I leave my answer sheet blank as I don’t remember anything out of exam fear. Before going to the examination hall, I prepare myself to be brave but the moment I get the question paper, I find myself overcome by fear. My parents are very supportive. I have even taken medicines to improve my memory. I have a migraine problem too. How should I study and prepare myself for my exams?

Dear Madam,

I am a student of Class Eleven. My IQ is above average, but I make simple errors in calculation and reading. Sometimes, while solving a mathematical problem, I miss out 1 or 2 steps, which throws me off completely. I tell myself to concentrate, but it never works. I often realise the errors made by me only after turning in the answer sheet. Please help.

Dear students,

I get a sense that you are over-anxious about your results, and therefore, are not able to perform well in your exams. You blank out and tend to forget things or make careless mistakes. This often happens, and you are not alone in being anxious about your exams. Remember, while you need to put in an honest effort in preparing for the exams, you should not be overly focussed on the marks. The only thing you can control is your effort and learning. It is important to keep this in mind, so that even if you don't get the marks (for whatever reason), atleast the learning is still with you. No one can take that away. The other thing is to be able to put exams in perspective. While you are going though your exams it seems like it is the most important thing that you will ever do in your life, and that your whole life will depend on it. When you step out of your current shoes and look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life. This is only one of them. You need to be able to put them in perspective. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them. Success in life depends on several other factors like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few.

An important question I want to ask you is, how do you interpret failure? You are bound to face failure at several stages in life. Everybody does. The important thing is to be able to differentiate the failure from you. Failure is an event and not a person. If you failed an exam, it does not mean that you are a failure. It just means that you failed at doing one exam. Making some of these changes in the way you think may help ease off the pressure and anxiety you are facing on account of your result. Don’t chase the result — chase the learning and relax. Good luck!

Dear Madam,

I am an 18-year-old girl. I was performing well in academics till Class 10. In the past 2 years, I got distracted, was mentally disturbed and ended up messing my Class 12. I am not able to regain my confidence which I had two years ago. I am and always have been a very pessimistic person by nature. When I went down drastically in Class 12, some of my friends tried to console me by saying it is destiny, it probably was meant to happen and stuff like that. Now, I get extremely scared of my future. I have started believing in horoscopes, etc.

What exactly is destiny? Should I believe in horoscopes? Do they come true? I know I am being extremely stupid, but I am actually very disturbed by these predictions. I really need your help as no one really seems to understand my problem.

Dear student,

We all need to remember that each one of us faces ups and downs in life. When we are on a downswing, we start questioning our capability and keep feeling like things will never get better. At times like this, in our search for answers, we start placing great importance on horoscopes and destiny. That helps us believe that nothing is in our control and we are powerless. The important thing is to know that you have enormous power and control on your life. You have to believe that you can do whatever you set your mind and heart to doing.

However, I do feel, that given whatever you have described, it may be difficult to bring about this shift in yourself on your own. I suggest you take the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult if you don’t have access to a counsellor, who can help you regain your confidence. Once you feel more confident about yourself, you can accelerate your life’s journey in a productive manner.