[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on October 1, 2015]
Dear Madam
I have found that there is a large difference in my classmates’ levels of confidence, meaning a few students dominate group work to the detriment of others. While I have belief in my own judgment, I do not seem to be able to convince others to listen and take my perspective as seriously. What can I do to get myself heard? Should I tackle the loudmouths?
A student
Dear student
I am not sure what you mean by ‘tackle the loudmouths’? It is always better to try and bring about changes which are within us and over which we have control, rather than attempt at trying to change and control things that are outside of you and over which it is inherently impossible to have any control. So rather than planning to ‘tackle’ the external elements, it would be good for you to identify what changes you can bring about within yourself to generate the changes you want in your environment.
There are two fronts that you can work on. Firstly, you can work on communicating to the group what their behaviours are making you feel. Sometimes people behave in certain ways without realising the impact their behaviours are having on others. So don’t say something that is accusatory and challenging what they do. Try using an “I feel…” statement which says “when you do this, I feel…”
This way, you are not questioning and challenging them (which would no doubt make them defensive) but you are just stating what you feel and that becomes an issue about you, not them. There is nothing right and wrong about your feelings. Feelings just are and it is important to articulate them sometimes.
Secondly, you can work on how you can make the communication of your points more assertive. Can you modify your communication technique in any way? Can you gain the confidence and strength to take charge of the discussion? Can you communicate your points clearly? Can you take on a leadership role in a project?
The next time you have to work in a group, can you be the first one to take charge of the leadership position. It is important to believe in yourself, and believe that you are as good as the others in the group. That gives you the confidence you need to behave in a more assertive manner and get your points heard. You may benefit from reading the following articles which were published in this newspaper earlier.
http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html
I have found that there is a large difference in my classmates’ levels of confidence, meaning a few students dominate group work to the detriment of others. While I have belief in my own judgment, I do not seem to be able to convince others to listen and take my perspective as seriously. What can I do to get myself heard? Should I tackle the loudmouths?
A student
Dear student
I am not sure what you mean by ‘tackle the loudmouths’? It is always better to try and bring about changes which are within us and over which we have control, rather than attempt at trying to change and control things that are outside of you and over which it is inherently impossible to have any control. So rather than planning to ‘tackle’ the external elements, it would be good for you to identify what changes you can bring about within yourself to generate the changes you want in your environment.
There are two fronts that you can work on. Firstly, you can work on communicating to the group what their behaviours are making you feel. Sometimes people behave in certain ways without realising the impact their behaviours are having on others. So don’t say something that is accusatory and challenging what they do. Try using an “I feel…” statement which says “when you do this, I feel…”
This way, you are not questioning and challenging them (which would no doubt make them defensive) but you are just stating what you feel and that becomes an issue about you, not them. There is nothing right and wrong about your feelings. Feelings just are and it is important to articulate them sometimes.
Secondly, you can work on how you can make the communication of your points more assertive. Can you modify your communication technique in any way? Can you gain the confidence and strength to take charge of the discussion? Can you communicate your points clearly? Can you take on a leadership role in a project?
The next time you have to work in a group, can you be the first one to take charge of the leadership position. It is important to believe in yourself, and believe that you are as good as the others in the group. That gives you the confidence you need to behave in a more assertive manner and get your points heard. You may benefit from reading the following articles which were published in this newspaper earlier.
http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html
Hope this helps. All the best
Dear Madam
I am 15-years-old. Recently, I went to see my friend, a classmate, and we met up with some others. I updated my mother constantly to let her know where I was, but when I got home (five minutes late) she was angry with me. What can I do to make her trust me? My dad was fine about it.
BCDear BC
It would help for you to ‘communicate’ with your mother and try to understand her feelings and concerns that caused the anger. People don’t just get angry. They get angry because of something else that they are feeling and to understand someone’s anger, it is important to understand those unexpressed feelings. So have a conversation with your mother about what she felt when you got late. It is important to be able to have a rational, calm, cool-headed conversation if you want to make some progress here. It will be futile for you to get defensive and aggressive.
The objective of the conversation must be for you to understand your mom’s anger, and for you to communicate your own feelings when you felt you did no wrong. The key is to focus on each other’s feelings, not on the behaviours.
Hope this helps in strengthening the relationship you have with your mom. It will be wise to remember, though, that trust once broken is hard to re-establish and takes a lot of time. So you are better off not betraying your mom’s trust in the long run — to the extent that you can.
All the best.
Dear Madam
My studies are affected because a classmate is constantly absent and borrows my notebooks. I’m the one who gets it in the neck from the lecturer, when I am sometimes unable to submit my work in time. How do I shake off this classmate, without making a big fuss about it and without annoying her?
VR
Dear VR
It is important for you to try and understand why you are not able to say ‘no’ to her and why you are so worried about annoying her. It is okay for you to be assertive (not aggressive) about what works for you, and what does not. It is not important for everyone in the class to like you. Just like you may not like everyone in the class equally, it is okay for some in the class to not like you as much as others. Often we believe that everyone must like us, and if we say “no” to something they may stop liking us and that will be a terrible situation. So try and understand why you are not able to either say “no” to give her the notebooks, or being firm about your expectations with respect to her bringing your notebooks back in time. It is not possible to please all the people all the time, and it is not necessary. So understand yourself to help you resolve this dilemma. What is the worst thing that could happen if she did get annoyed with you?
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