Don't let others decide your worth - Ask your counsellof Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on January 21, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in class 10 (CBSE) in a residential school. I have lost all my hopes to achieve what I want in academics. When I was in the junior classes, I was the topper of my class every time. After class 8, my academic performance went weak.

Now I have scored 86 % in the first semester examination. Sometimes I feel it is because of the heavy syllabus. But I have no difficulty in understanding the subject. Everyone who is average, is performing well. I have an exam fear.

I can’t tolerate the tension when I see the question paper in the exams. I put in all my efforts. But I am not getting the results. Please suggest me ways to overcome my exam fever and to gain confidence.A student
Dear student,

The fact that you are facing exam anxiety is not unique to you. Many, many students face anxiety before their exams – especially major exams like the one you are going to take. If your school has a counsellor, I suggest you reach out  for help. Sometimes, a trusted teacher may also play that role effectively. Counselling will help you understand your fears and anxieties and how to face them.

Alternatively, you could reach out to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323, which is  free of cost. You will be able to reach a counsellor on the phone who will be able to help you. I have written a lot about exam fear in this column, and all my previous writings can be found on my blog Personalorbitchange.blogspot.in

You could go through the earlier columns and I am sure many of your questions and fears will get answered there. I want to particularly draw you to two articles I have written on this topic which I think will be helpful for you: Why exams are nothing to fear about? (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and Demystifying exam anxiety ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html ).

Dear Madam,

I am in class 10. My board exams are in another few weeks. But, I am not able to concentrate on studies because all my classmates complained about me to my teacher. Now, everyone thinks that I am a bad person. I feel I am being isolated. Please help me out.

Akshara Rao
Dear Akshara,
Just because someone said something about you does not mean that becomes the truth. Also, why are you giving others so much power that they decide whether you are a good person or a bad person? No one is a ‘bad’ person — you may have done something ‘bad’ but that does not mean you are bad in totality. And what gives the others the power to decide whether you are good or bad.

That is something you need to believe and decide about yourself. If you believe you are a bad person, then that is what others start reflecting around you. So believe in yourself. Know your strengths and capabilities and know that everyone has some weaknesses. But most importantly, don’t allow others to pass a decisive judgment on you. They only have that power if you give it to them.

If your classmates complained about you to your teacher, that does not mean that you are not a ‘good’ person and that no one should interact with you. But if you start believing that about yourself then others start thinking that way too.All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a 17-year-old student. I just graduated class 12. I wanted to study medicine, but did not get a suitable rank. But I was so determined to get into medical at that time, that my parents allowed me take a year off for the preparations of competitive exams. Now I don’t know why but I’m not able to concentrate or control my mind. I seem to be getting distracted a lot while studying.

Exams are nearing and I am getting tense about the results. I did not join any coaching institute as my parents told me self-preparation is the best way. I thought it won’t be that difficult since I had already gone through the syllabus once. But now, I am facing difficulties. I don’t know what to do. I am starting to doubt my own abilities. I still want to study medicine, but I am starting to feel that I won’t get a good rank this year too. Please help me.Vasudha
Dear Vasudha

You need to believe in yourself. Maybe you are not being able to concentrate because of anxiety around the exams. Because you took a year off to prepare, you may be feeling under pressure to do well. Remember that this entrance exam is not an end in itself. It is just a means to an end. And if you don’t do well in this exam, it does not mean that you are a total failure.

All it means is that you may need to look for some other doors that may open for you, some other opportunities that may come your way. It is good to pursue your dream and give it your best shot. But if you are not able to achieve it, it does not mean that all is lost. As for needing help, there is still time and you may still be able to get some help.

You could get some help with a one-to-one tutor who could just work with your doubts and that may help give you some confidence. Meanwhile, you may also want to read this article on exam anxiety which may be of help http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. All the best.

Do what you do because you want to do it - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of March 21, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am currently in the 8th semester of my engineering, studying under VTU. I attended two companies in placement, but did not get selected. I am very depressed about it. I am not interested in pursuing M Tech also. I have an aggregate of 76%. I am interested in civil services and I have a dream of becoming an IAS officer. It was my dream since childhood. Can an engineering student like me pursue IAS? Do I have to take coaching classes? I work very hard and I have commitment towards studies. I want to achieve something in my life. Please guide me in achieving my dream.

Dear Student,

I understand that you are depressed because you have not got a job during the campus placement season, even though you attended 2 interviews.

There is no reason to be disheartened. Look at those interviews as learning opportunities, and try to analyze and understand for yourself what went wrong.

Why do you feel you did not get the job? If you do this after every event that you perceive as a failure, the failures will transform into learning opportunities and stepping stones towards your future goals.

Remember, there may be many such failures along the way, but they don’t mean that you are a failure. All they mean is that you failed in that attempt. You need to learn from your mistakes and move on.

I am not aware of the best way that you can prepare for the IAS entrance exam. Someone who has either done that exam or is involved in the process in any way will probably be in a better position to guide you on that. I understand that you have a dream of achieving something in life.

I think you need to take some time to define what that ‘something’ is because only then can you take some steps towards achieving it. So, what is your dream?

All the best!

Dear Madam,

I completed SSLC in 2006. After that I did a Diploma in Electronics and Electrical Engineering, but I never completed the course, nor am I able to study, I don’t know what future I have. I would like you to guide me for a better life ahead. I’m struggling in every field I enter as a professional. Please help me out. 

Rakesh Manipal

Dear Rakesh

I understand that you are feeling disheartened and are anxious about your future. I am not sure of what you mean when you say that you are not able to study.

Do you not have the interest, or the time, or the financial resources, or the opportunity. It would be good for you to understand why you are not able to study.

Often what we perceive to be an external reason for us not to do something, actually ends up being an internal reason over which we have complete control and can change if we want.

I would need to understand a little more about what you mean when you say you are struggling in every field you enter as a professional.

You should also analyze what happened in every case and what were your specific struggles. This may help you arrive at a list of areas that you may feel more comfortable in, temperamentally, and a list of areas that you feel you may just not fit in. After all, success in the work place does not only depend on your degrees.

Many of the most successful people in the world do not have ‘degrees’ to support them. Of more importance in the workplace, eventually, is your self-confidence, your ability to learn, your ability to problem-solve, your ability to work in a team and lead a team; your communication skills, etc.

So find your strengths, and find a field of work which will allow you to build on your strengths.

All the best

Dear Madam, 

I’m studying M Sc (Physics). I am losing my interest in studies because I am afraid of not getting a job in this field. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying. And also please give some information about what I can do after this. 

Meghashree 

Dear Meghashree,

You say your parents have a lot of hopes for you. What about your hopes for yourself? Do you want to study only because your parents hope you will study, or do you want to study because you see that as a way of growing and doing something.

If your parents did not have expectations from you, what would you do with your life? Ultimately your life is your own, and you need to take charge of it, and do what you want to do, because you want to do it, not because your parents expect you to do it.

Ultimately the person who will benefit the most from your studies is you, not your parents. So you need to shift your motivation to study from the external reason (i.e. your parents) to an internal reason (i.e. you).

Spend some time understanding what you would like to do, what will give you happiness, what are your strengths and what kind of a career will play to your strengths.

I am not in a position to guide you about your future study plans. All I can say is, you need to do what you want to do, and you need to do it for yourself.