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Tuesday 10 May 2016

Work towards happiness - Ask your counsellor Q&A column


[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 5, 2016]

Dear Madam,
Is there a cure for procrastination? Whenever I feel like doing something, I put it off for the next day. I feel guilty doing this because I believe I am too lazy at times. What can I do to motivate myself every day? 
Anonymous

Dear procrastinator,
It is great that you are able to recognize the fact that you are a procrastinator. Self-awareness is the first step towards working on any kind of self-growth. It will be helpful for you to understand your reasons for procrastination — are you finding the job unpleasant and therefore don’t have any motivation to do it, are you finding it difficult and overwhelming, are you just disorganized and therefore not being able to get it done, or are you unable to take decisions and therefore need help with your decision-making skills? Or are you a perfectionist who feels that you won’t be able to do the job ‘perfectly’ and so cannot get yourself to doing it?

Some ways to find your own motivation are to break up big and overwhelming tasks into small-sized ‘bites’ that are manageable and increase your chances of achieving them. Often peer pressure works and so, if you inform someone of your goals for the day, the pressure of not having to tell them that you have not achieved it works as a motivation for you to complete the task. Also, try and understand the implications (often negative) of not doing the task. If you find that you are procrastinating because of the unpleasantness of the task, consider the possibility of it not being as unpleasant as you thought it might be, and remember the unpleasant consequences of actually not doing the task.

If you are disorganized and that is the reason behind your procrastination, make a to-do list which forces you to keep tract of even unpleasant and overwhelming tasks. It also helps you prioritize the urgent and important tasks. Besides, having a visual list helps as an important visual reminder, and also helps gain a sense of satisfaction as you tick-off items from the list.

If you are procrastinating because you are a perfectionist, then you must remember that getting something done even with 90% accuracy but on time, is much better than getting it done with 100% accuracy but several weeks late! Quite like getting 90% in an exam, but getting it over with, is far more important than striving for 100% and not appearing for it because you are not sure of getting 100%.

Dear Madam,
I am a young girl who is out to establish a name in the world. Often, I am confused between money and happiness. What should I work towards? Being content in whatever money I have or work to earn more and then be happy? Can’t I do both?
A confused girl

Dear confused girl,
It is often said that the pursuit of happiness is obligatory for human beings. The ultimate objective of everything you do, feel and think is to gain happiness. With that being the ultimate reality, the pursuit of money is not going to make you feel satisfied if it does not bring happiness with it. 

However, gaining happiness will make you feel satisfied even if you don’t have mountains of money. The mere pursuit of money is a tricky business, because no amount of it is ever ‘enough’. Unless you are mindful of it, having ‘enough’ money can turn out to be an ever-moving goal post — an illusory mirage which keeps moving further out. 
So, work towards happiness – which means engaging with something you are good at and passionate about, and the rest will follow. Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a 3rd year medical student in Bengaluru and I took 5 attempts to clear my first year. When I came to my second year, I decided not to commit the same mistake. However, I could not, although I tried my best. As a result, I am experiencing a lot of stress. Kindly guide me to overcome it.
Muthu Maran

Dear Muthu,
Stress is caused not by events, but by our interpretation of events. You may not have cleared your exams, and may have made the same mistakes, but that does not mean that you will never be able to clear your exams, or that you are a failure. It just means that you failed in this attempt and you can make another attempt. Making a mistake, or failing at something, is not a crime. But it is important to learn from one’s mistakes — identify what went wrong, and what you need to change. 

Stress is caused by a feeling of lack of control of the environment. It is important to accept that we cannot control the environment. The only thing we can control is ourselves, our interpretation of events, and how much we allow those events to distress us.

Hope this helps. You could work with a counsellor to help you deal with this aspect in greater depth. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Civil Services aspirant with good academic records. I am a bit passive and introvert in nature, because of which some of my friends and relatives demotivate me. Does that mean I have to change my career plans and look into different aspects? Kindly let me know as to how I can overcome this and prove them wrong. 
A Civil Services aspirant

Dear Civil Services aspirant,
Being an introvert is not necessarily a weakness. Everyone is different, and everyone’s needs for social engagement are different. Having said that, you need to believe in yourself and your abilities. 

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Recognize your strengths and understand your weaknesses, and believe that you can change and overcome the weaknesses. Civil Services will require you to interact with people, address audiences and deliver talks, and the more you develop this aspect of your personality, the less stressful it will be for you. So don’t change your choices, just choose the weaknesses you want to overcome and go right ahead. All the best.

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