Don't pursue anything merely for scores - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education page on March 2, 2017]

Dear Madam,
I am 19-years-old. I dropped out of Information Science engineering because I was not good at programming and also because I had been going through an emotional phase of my life which ended up in me having six backlogs. 

I decided to quit engineering in the middle of my second year. I had been an above average student till my Class 10, after which my scores started to drop, and I started to forget everything that I studied very quickly. Due to various reasons, I am very scared of Maths. I am pretty good at drawing, painting and sketching. I have been interested in architecture since childhood, I always dreamt of becoming one in future. I want to pursue architecture, but my past is taking my confidence to a lower level. My friends and parents are least supportive about it. Please help me with this situation.
Alexina

Dear Alexina,
I understand that you are a little anxious about committing yourself to another line where you fear you may not be successful at getting the required marks. It will be great if you can remember, that you are entering the field because of your interest in it, and because of a strength that you believe will help you in that field. Don’t pursue the field for marks. They may come as a positive by-product and if they do, that’s helpful.

However, pursue the field for your interest, your love for the subject, and your passion. Understand your strengths and weaknesses and use your strengths to your advantage and build strategies to help you counter your weaknesses. Don’t be overwhelmed by the fact that you have some weaknesses. All of us do. Change your goal from marks to learning, and you will see that the fears may dissipate. Believe in yourself. Don’t let the fact that you were not successful at something in the past define who you are or what you will do in the future. Failure is an event, never a person. An event gets over and a new one takes place. Good luck and enjoy the journey.

Dear Madam, 
I am an extremely competitive person, in academics and sports. My competitiveness often rubs my friends the wrong way and as a result, it often becomes a point of conflict among us. How do I keep my relationship with my friends intact, and yet not change the way 
I am?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It is great to be competitive. However, you need to question yourselves as to why it is affecting your relationships. At the end of the day, you don’t want a situation where you have won all the races of life, but have no one to cheer your wins because you have burnt all your relationships on the way to winning the races. It will be good for you to analyse why winning is so important to you. What does it make you feel and are there other ways of getting that same feeling, or are your feelings based on some irrational beliefs about yourself. Do you believe that you must succeed at everything that you do, only then you are good enough? Do you believe that the external adulation you get when you win is a critical element to having lived a successful life? It will be helpful for you to talk to a counsellor to help you balance your need to win at all cost versus winning some and losing some, but carrying people with you and giving some relationships the importance they deserve.

Dear Madam,
I am a II PUC Science student. I was a bright student during my school days, but after entering PU, my performance has been very bad. Somehow I managed to pass my first year. As my second year final exams are near, I am nervous and fear that I may fail. I get anxious while studying and do not understand how to study. A lot of my time is wasted in consoling myself, controlling my emotions and motivating myself. Please help me.
Exam-taker

Dear Exam-taker 
I understand that you may be feeling anxious about your exams and that fear may be immobilizing you. Spend some time thinking about what your worst fear is. We get anxious only when we predict a negative future outcome. So what is that negative outcome that you are predicting? What is your worst fear? Try and understand if that fear is rational and if that fear were to come true, what is the worst possible thing that could happen? You may surprise yourself when you face your fear and realize that even if you were to end up in that dreaded situation you will still be able to survive and thrive as a meaningful individual. Believe in yourself, and your worth. Your worth is not measured by your marks in an exam, your worth is measured by you. The world will reflect what you believe about yourself. Also, I do believe that you will benefit a great deal from talking to a counsellor, so please do get yourself some help. All the best.