Relationship is a journey - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[This column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education pages on April 20th, 2017]

Dear Madam,
I am a teenager and I like playing video games. My friends spend at least one hour every day on this during holidays. I play for about half an hour. My parents get angry whenever they see me playing on the mobile. They feel that such games are addictive. At times, even I feel that what I am doing is not right and that I am wasting time. Still, I am not able to restrict myself. Will it affect my behavior and studies? Please guide.
Rakesh

Dear Rakesh,

Technology can be addictive and a lot has been written about it. It is now becoming quite a big problem for young people. However, if you are mindful of it, and are able to limit yourself to 30 minutes a day, and are also able to pull yourself away from it when there are other more pressing needs, then it is okay.

It should not be controlling you — you should be controlling yourself. You should be able to focus and prioritize other more important things when the need arises.

It is okay to enjoy and relax during your vacation and 30 minutes a day does not seem too much, however, it is important for you to be able to self-monitor and not lose your control over your mind to be able to pull away from it when the need arises. Good luck!

Dear Madam, 
I am struggling to overcome love failure. Though I try to forget my girlfriend, I am not able to do so. It is affecting my studies too. Please help me.
Adarsh

Dear Adarsh,

I think it will be very helpful for you to see a counsellor who will be able to help you gain new perspectives on what you are experiencing. It may be helpful for you to not call it a love failure, but rather a relationship that did not work out. Failure is a very loaded word and implies that you made some mistakes or did something wrong. Whereas in reality, that may not be the case — it may just be that the chemistry didn’t work, or you both had different expectations out of the relationship.

A relationship is not a battle that you win or lose, it is a journey that you undertake with another person. And in a journey there is no success or failure, just a path and a direction.

People come into our lives at different points in our journey and stay a while. No one is with you in your journey for the whole distance, except for yourself. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I have written my Class 10 exams and anxious about results. I studied hard for one year and did well in the exams. But I am not confident. My parents have supported me a lot during my studies. I don’t want to let them down. 
Anjali 

Dear Anjali,

Your exam results are just an external objective assessment of your performance. The more important assessment is your own internal subjective assessment of the effort you put in and the learning you gained in the process. That is the key thing. Your exams are not something you need to do well at to keep your parents happy. Your exams are something you should put in your best effort for if you want to for yourself, and you believe it is important for your future.

You should do the best you can to achieve your potential, for yourself – not something you should try and maximise only to keep your parents happy.

Keeping your parents happy can be a by-product of your performance, but must not be the goal of your performance, or even a goal in itself. If you can honestly tell

yourself that you put in your best effort that is all that matters. Your success in life is not dependent on your marks, and your parents’ happiness also should not

be dependent on your marks. Good luck!

Dear Madam,
My son is in Class 7. Earlier he was regular with homework. Of late, he has grown lazy and doesn’t study at home. When asked, he said that many of his classmates don’t submit the assignments on time and they don’t get any punishment. 

He also said that his classmates mocked him whenever he submitted the assignments and he felt left out. As a result, he feels that there is no point in doing homework. I have discussed this with the teachers. Can you also guide.
Priya

Dear Priya,

I think the issue here is not that your son is missing his work deadlines and therefore, your possible fear, that his performance may get affected. The issue here is building his self-esteem to a point where he can stand up to peer pressure and do what he believes is right, not what is mandated by the peer group.

It is generally very helpful to work with a counsellor to help your son see what is happening and give him tools and techniques to counter the situation, and to develop his own sense of self-worth – not one that is defined by the peer group. All the best.