Chart your course carefully - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 3, 2017]

Dear Madam,

I’m a 15-year-old girl in Class 10. Everybody tells me I’m pretty, but I don’t have a boyfriend. All my female friends have boyfriends, crushes or some guy who likes them. I feel very left out because of this. I feel there is something missing in me because no boy likes me. How do I deal with this? Please help.

Priyanka

Dear Priyanka,

Have you ever considered the fact that the reason you don’t have a boyfriend or a crush right now is because you have not liked anyone so far? Could it be possible that no one has yet matched up to your likes? It is not only about your being good enough for the other person that is a benchmark of your worth. It is also about the other person being good enough for you and meeting your expectations. Why would you settle for anything else? May be your friends are not as discerning in their choices as you.

After all, you don’t want just anyone for a boyfriend. You want someone who deserves someone as special as you. You are valuable and worthy – don’t let someone else’s choices decide your worth or who you are. Use this time to learn from others about relationships. See them make mistakes, because, at age 15, that is probably what they will make.

Learn from their mistakes. And then step into your own relationships when you are ready and wiser. This is not a race that you have to win. This is the journey of life and each one is allowed to go on that journey at their own pace. And in the meantime if someone asks you why you don’t have a boyfriend, tell them you haven’t found someone worth your time yet.

Dear Madam, 

I have recently joined my first job. Though I’m satisfied and happy with my work, I have realized I don’t belong here and can do something more. So I decided to prepare for competitive exams and joined some weekend classes to be regular with preparations. I have so many plans in my mind but I can’t complete or stick to the plan. I can’t understand if I’m lazy or a procrastinator. I just keep telling myself I want to do this and that, but end up doing nothing. Because of this habit, I have started feeling low and have developed a feeling of inferiority. There is a constant reminder that I’m good for nothing. How can I overcome this and stick to my plan and routine?

Ashwini 

Dear Ashwini,

Whenever you chase a lofty goal, it is important that you chart the course carefully and document the milestones along the path so that you don’t lose your way. This is as true for an ambitious journey as it is for life. So, what is your destination? What are the milestones you have marked along the way?

What are the timelines you have set for reaching each milestone? And how do you plan to celebrate reaching each milestone? All this becomes easier if you mark your milestones. You then can quantify how much of the path you have covered and how much is left. You can also celebrate each milestone you cover, as it brings you one step closer to your goal. Do the same with this. Document your main goal. Break it up into smaller goals. Set dates and timelines to the smaller goals.

Celebrate each success, and take stock whenever you miss it to see what you could have done differently to have achieved it. Learn from your missed targets and celebrate the achieved targets. Please remember that often we are our own worst enemies. By thinking negatively about ourselves and predicting doom about the future, we are doing ourselves a great disservice. Take time to understand why you choose to predict doom, and think negatively about yourself, rather than predict a bright future and believe in yourself and your worth.

Dear Madam,

My son often gets anxious and stressed around the time of his exams and when he has a lot of homework. While I do try to help in alleviating it to some extent (such as making him do deep breathing), it does not seem to help. Could you kindly suggest some ways as to how I can help him deal with his anxiety and stress more effectively?

Rekha

Dear Rekha,

I have written a lot in these columns about exam-related stress and anxiety. You can access two of my articles on this subject which will help you understand the phenomena better. 

Demystifying exam anxiety - http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html  

Why exams are nothing to worry about - http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html 

It may be helpful for you to let him work with a counsellor to help him overcome this. Exam-related anxiety is all about how you interpret the importance of exams in your life, and how you interpret your own success in life to be a function of your marks. Counselling will help him gain a new perspective on this which will hold him in good stead.

Dear Madam,

My daughter, who is in Class 7, doesn’t get along well with kids of her age. Fights and conflicts with friends have made her think that no one likes her. She is very straightforward and says things to their face. But she feels bad that she doesn’t have friends whom she can count on. Please help.

Vivek
Dear Vivek,

Friendships during the teen years can be very challenging as children try to find their own place in the world, and often base their worth on what their friends think of them.

I would suggest that you let your daughter get the help of a counsellor, because at that age, when values and beliefs are still in their formative stage, it is easier to influence them positively, than it is at an older age. The dynamics of peer relationships are often a reflection of one’s own relationship with oneself.
Understanding that can really help put them in perspective and interpret them more positively. A little bit of help at this time may facilitate her being able to enjoy meaningful friendships going forward.