Pefect or Good Enough? Selfless or Selfish?

This article written by me first appeared at 

http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/perfect-or-good-enough-selfless-or-selfish/ 

I am mindful of the fact that after reading some of my columns you may start doubting your own capability as a parent; you may be so overcome with fear that you start believing that no matter what you do, you are going to have an adverse influence on your child. As though you are not worried enough already about your child’s future and your capability to deal with it, without my having to scare you and paint a picture of gloom and doom.

My intention in this column, dear readers, is not in any way to take you away from the joys of parenting, or create a doubt in your mind about your ability. Quite to the contrary, it is to make you mindful and aware of how simple things can go wrong, and how easy it is to fix those simple things, provided we are willing to fix them.

Parenting is a journey, like the rest of life. We can view it as a leisurely, luxurious trip, taking time to enjoy the scenery as we go along, and crossing roadblocks as they come along the course. Or, we can view it as a long, arduous trip that we just need to somehow complete, with each roadblock becoming a further nuisance on our course, delaying our arrival at the destination. The choice is ours.No matter what outlook we choose to have with respect to the journey, our views and expectations of ourselves hold a vital key. Are we constantly expecting ourselves to be perfect? In which case we will always fall short of our own expectations since there is no such thing as a perfect’ person. Or, are we willing to accept ourselves the way we are, with all our strengths, ability, intuition and gut feeling, yet with some weaknesses, doubts and anxieties. Are we willing to accept a less than perfect version of ourselves when it comes to our being a parent? Are we able to accept our own mistakes and shortcomings as a normal part of our journey of life and growth?

Nothing makes one feel as vulnerable as when one becomes a parent – “Now I need to be perfect,” “This is one area where I can’t afford to make any mistakes,” “I must never give anyone a chance to say that I did not do my best as a parent,” “Now everyone is going to judge me not on the basis of me, but on the basis of my child.” Yet, nothing also makes one feel as responsible as when one becomes a parent. I remember the immense sense of responsibility I felt when I looked at my new-born baby – this was a life that I was totally responsible for, and a life that was totally dependent on me for its very existence! And then I was overcome with fear – what if something went wrong? What if I am not able to cope? What if something happened to me? Would my child even remember me?

I think the one constant factor through the entire journey of parenting is being overcome with conflicting thoughts and emotions – hope and fear; love and anger; joy and sorrow; optimism and pessimism; trust and doubt; selflessness while secretly wanting some me time; fostering independence while longing for dependence; fulfilling your own dreams while wanting your children to live theirs; the elation of soaring high and the deflation of falling flat on your face – quite like a roller coaster ride.

So is parenting a selfless pursuit, or a selfish one? The first time that question was raised to me, of course I said it was absolutely selfless – how outrageous to think otherwise. But as I think about it now, I am not sure anymore. And maybe I don’t need to be – maybe it is a bit of both. And that is okay!

I believe that in being able to deal with this ambiguity, and the consequent shades of gray, lies a possible answer to enjoying the journey of parenting. You are neither perfect nor awful, and you don’t need to be; you don’t need to label yourself in the extremes. You are good enough and at any point of time, you need to believe that you are doing what you believe is right given your current understanding of the situation. When your understanding changes, or the situation changes, you may choose to do things differently, but as of now you are doing your best – and whether it is selfless or selfish is only a matter of inconsequential semantics. Believing in yourself and enjoying the journey is all that matters in the end. Really!

Strive for progress, not perfection - ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of June 18, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing engineering but I am not satisfied with it. It has always been my dream to write fantasy books for children but I am not sure if my parents would approve of it and hence, haven’t told them about it. It seems like every adult is counting on me to grow up and solve problems of the world when I am comfortable with imaginative writing. What do you 
suggest I do?
AJ 

Dear AJ,
If you are not sure about your parents approving your plan, then why are you presuming that they will not approve, and why don’t you go ahead and discuss it with them. Also, by conversation, you may be able to find a path that works for everyone. Lots of people will put the burden of their expectations on you. It is for you to accept the burden or not. You have to live up to your own expectations of yourself, and do what you feel will give you more satisfaction. It should preferably be a field that you have an interest in, that you are good at, and that society puts a value to, because eventually for you to feel worthy and make a living, what you do must be valued enough to allow you to make a living. When your parents influence you towards a particular career choice, they are only concerned about your being able to make a reasonable living and have a reasonable life. If you can convince them of being able to do that with your preferred choice, they will probably be more than okay with you following your dreams. It may be worthwhile for you to evaluate your dreams against these parameters and see how they hold up.

Dear Madam,
Girls in my college don’t find me attractive, and I think the reason is because I am fat. Since I was seven years old, I have been on the healthier side, which didn’t worry me until now. I am quite intelligent and have lots of friends but not the kind I would like. What should I do?
A student

Dear student,
I am assuming that you are a boy and are at the age when you are looking for romantic friendships. I may be completely wrong in these assumptions, but in the absence of any more information from you, I guess I will have to go with that. I am not sure what you are worried about. If you are intelligent and have friends, that is what is important. I don’t think you would want someone to like you just because of your physical looks. I am sure you would rather the girls liked you for your company, intelligence, confidence, sense of humor, creativity, and other such foundational qualities, than your physical appearance which is quite transitory. Chubbiness does not define you as bad, just like skinniness does not define you as good. These are attributes that you can change, should you choose to. But my question to you is this, do you want to change just to become more attractive to some girl, or do you believe in yourself, and your worth, and accept the fact that a discerning enough girl, who can value you for the right reasons, just has not come along yet, but will eventually. Like yourself, and others will follow! Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing my second year of engineering and I get hurt when I see people breeze through life while I slog away for minimum results. It takes a lot of time and work for me to reach average results. I feel bad for myself when I see people living a wonderful life, getting top academic marks, having perfect relationships, enjoying their lives. Could you tell me how to manage my life?
PM

Dear PM
No one’s internal struggles are visible to another. We go around feeling that we are the only one’s struggling while everyone has a perfect life. The reality is not so. Everyone has struggles, and each one’s struggles are unique. And even if they are not struggling with anything right now, it does not mean they never will. That is the cycle of life. There are ups, and there are downs, and they keep changing.
Having said that I would like to point you to the work of Carol Dweck. You may want to read up about it on the internet. Carol Dweck found that intelligence is not in-built and fixed. With effort, it can be acquired and increased. So all the hard-work that you put in is never wasted. It adds to you and your body of knowledge, skill and capability. Different people have different strengths and ability, and some people may be better than you at some things, but you may be better than others at other things. You can compare yourself to those who seem to be ahead and better than you and feel frustrated and jealous, or you can compare yourself to those who are less fortunate than you and feel a sense of gratitude. It’s your choice. While it is beneficial to look at those ahead to remember where you have to go and stay on track, it is also helpful not to lose sight of those behind you and feel grateful. All the best

Dear Madam,
I am currently studying biotechnology. My friend who is studying the same course with me seems to have lost his way. He keeps complaining about his lack of interest in the course and the regret of having taking up on his parents’ word. I have always been giving him advice but it seems like he does not take it into account. Even after telling him that interest can be fostered, he refuses to change his way of thinking. Kindly suggest on what I could do to help him out. I do not want to see him holding himself back anymore as this is our second year and I really want to score good grades with him. 
CK

Dear CK
Your concern for your friend’s success is very touching and I am glad you wrote in asking what you should do. I think the best advice you can give your friend is to ask him to see a counsellor to help him sort out his confusions in a safe space without the fear of judgment. Sometimes, we feel we know what is best for the other person, but in pushing them towards the path that we feel is best, we may not be allowing them to understand themselves and their situation. 

Maybe your friend has some fears, anxieties or apprehensions which he is unable to talk to you about, or even unable to understand for himself. If you have access to a counsellor in your college, that is great. If not recommend that he either sees a counsellor face-to-face or calls in to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323080-65333323, which is a free helpline for young adults to connect with a counsellor. All the best.

Are you passing on your anxieties and fears to your children?

[http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/experts-speak-details/are-you-passing-on-your-anxieties-and-fears-to-your-children/

There are two types of anxieties and fears that I want to dissect and explore in this column. The first are those that we grow up with, and are not able to overcome in adulthood and parenthood. And the second are those around our children and their future.

For the first, I don’t really need to look very far. Let me begin with my own anxiety around dogs. I know exactly where it came from. My father was terrified of dogs. While he had his own justification for the fear, and could narrate countless incidents due to which he did not like dogs, I developed that fear almost by default, through a process of osmosis. I never really gave it much thought. For me, it seemed quite the natural way of being. The only time it bothered me was when I wanted to visit a friend who had a dog. But she would put the dog in another room when I visited and that would settle that! My fear was only a minor irritant, not a show stopper, so life went on fairly peacefully.

And then I became a parent. Did I want to pass on my fear of dogs to my daughter? No, not really. So every time we visited someone who had a dog, I would put on a brave front and wear a straight face while every muscle in my body was taut. I would tentatively encourage my daughter to pet the dog, while never mustering up the courage to do it myself. The fact that my husband did not have the same fear was helpful because he could bring about an air of genuineness to that interaction, while I could not. Finally, my daughter was at ease. Not only was she comfortable around dogs, she also loved them and wanted one of her own. In one stroke of bravado I agreed, thinking that that would settle the discussion, and we could move on without actually doing anything about it. But she persisted and three years later, after I had exhausted every excuse in the book, we were on our way to pick up Cinnamon, our now five-year-old Beagle. I silently cried on the way home that day, as I feared what the future had in store for me. Would I ever be at ease in my home again?

But that’s history. I am now a dog-lover who coos over every cute dog that comes my way, and every cute doggie picture that crosses my eyes. Would I have rather not had a dog! No way! I am rather proud of this transition of mine from dog-fearer to dog-lover; and of not passing on my dog-related anxieties to my daughter. However, it need not have ended this way. Had I not been aware of my own fears and anxieties, and not had a desire to overcome them, my children may have feared dogs as much as I did – if not more!

The second type of anxiety I talked about is our anxiety around our children’s future. What will become of them if they don’t study hard? What will happen if they fail in the test? What will happen if they don’t finish their homework or project in time? What will happen if they don’t get into a good college? What kind of job will they get if they don’t get into the best engineering college in the country? It is a competitive world after all.

How will they manage in the world if they don’t learn how to struggle? How will they build relationships if they are so selfish? What will the world say about me and my parenting if my child does not end up with a respectable job/career/profession? What will happen if my child falls into bad company? What will happen to my child after I am gone? What will happen if my child falls sick? What will happen if…

So many anxieties, and each one of them natural and justified. Being anxious is half the story of parenting. We need to just be mindful about not making it the whole story.

Is our anxiety about our child’s future preventing us from being with our child in the present? Do we avoid playing with them because we need to push them to spend all their time studying and doing homework, because they need to get into the best college ten years down the line (which of course we cannot control)? Do we avoid spending time with them because we need to ensure that we have a big enough bank balance to secure the future (which again we can’t control)? Do we avoid connecting with them now because we are so distracted by our anxieties about the future, that we can’t waste time being with them in the present? We need to somehow control that future. Somehow.

To me it appears that the best way to do that, ironically, is not to try and control the environment, which of course we cannot, no matter how hard we try. But, instead, to try and secure our relationship with our child.

We should try to deal with our anxieties outside of the parent-child relationship. Recognize them, understand them, and consciously set them aside either by talking to a counsellor or a trusted friend. And then learn to be with your child in the present, in the moment, mindfully and whole-heartedly. Give your children a relationship they can count on, and feel secure enough to come back to in case of a failure. Just that knowledge will give them the strength, confidence and courage to march on ahead, full-steam – pushing their boundaries and achieving their potential in an area of their choice.

And I repeat, I said a relationship they can count on, not a bank balance!

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education page on May 28, 2015]

Dear Madam

Ever since I started high school my dad and I have had problems. As the years went by I realized what I was doing wrong and changed with the help of a therapist. But it seems that no matter what I do, I can never gain his approval. He wants me to be clean but I can never do it to his standard. He wants me to have good grades but my one B upsets him. He thinks I’m not a normal teenager because I don’t want to spend every second of my free time cleaning rather than watching TV or playing video game part of the time and cleaning the rest. If I don’t keep my room clean for one day he turns off the wi-fi and the cable. I have learned to bite my tongue in most situations but I’m at my wit’s end, I don’t know how to deal with his controlling behavior any longer without snapping, and I can’t tell him how I feel (ever) because he thinks I’m trying to be manipulative. Please, I need advice, any advice is better than none.
(name withheld)

Dear adolescent

A big part of adolescence involves individuating from your parents, and forming your own identity – figuring out who you are, what you like, what you dislike, who your friends are, what you want to do, and not do. In this process you will go through the process of liking some of the traits and beliefs of your parents, and disliking some of them. This is a healthy process and it is good that you are able to engage with it. Unfortunately, parents sometimes are not able to make this transition along with the child, and don’t allow the relationship to evolve from one that is autocratic to one that is more democratic It may be helpful for you to go for some family counselling which will help you understand your parents, and help them understand you. They are, after all, doing what they believe is in your best interest; they just don’t know how to do it effectively. You could all do with some help and you could try suggesting it to them. Your parents will have their own set of issues which will surface during the time of family therapy.

In the meantime, whenever you have a disagreement and want to say something, try telling him how that makes you feel, instead of focusing on what your father said or did. For example, if he tells you to clean up your room when you just did it, don’t shout back, or question him on why he keeps telling you to do it. Just say “when you keep asking you to clean the room, I feel hurt/ sad / frustrated/ angry/ put down/ not good enough” or whatever it is that you feel. What this approach does is, it takes the focus away from what he is doing (which naturally will make him, or anyone in his position, defensive) and brings the focus to how you are feeling (and I am quite sure his aim is not to make you feel the way you do, just that he does not realize it). Hope this helps.

Dear Madam,

There is a girl I like in one of my classes at school. It started off as an observation, but then I became interested, so I decided to offer her the seat next to me in class, and she accepted. After our class work was finished we talked a bit but that was only for two days. I learned that we share interests in music and literature etc. Well after that we didn’t talk but we smiled at each other and said “hi” and “bye,” and then winter break happened. When we came back I continued the same greetings. I want to be more than her friend, but I don't know how. That is why I ask you for assistance before the school year is over. By the way some traits of hers: She’s quiet and doesn’t have a lot of friends. I’ve only seen one or two. She’s a good student, also a bit slow in responding. She also doesn't look people in the eyes, talks very quietly. She’s lazy — meaning that she told me she just goes home and watches TV. Basically I’m asking you should I make a move — asking her for her number or asking her out for a walk to the park? Some of my characteristics are like hers. 
P M 

Dear PM
I am not in a position to tell you whether you should make the first move or not. If your heart tells you to, do it. What are your fears around it? Learn to take a risk. But that is what it is – a risk. Which means there is a 50 per cent chance that she may accept your first move, or a 50 per cent chance she may reject it. You will need to be able to interpret the fact that she does not accept your first move appropriately (in case she does not accept it). Which means that you must not see it as a rejection of you, but just that she was not ready for something more at this time. It also does not mean that because you like her, she has to like you. Nor does it mean that if you like her at this point in your life, your feelings are going to stay constant forever and that she is the one for you. A relationship involves two people, and if you are willing to take the next step with an open, exploratory stance, then go ahead and take the risk. Remember, this is not a final destination or goal, nor is she a trophy to be won. She is another human being with her own sets of choices, likes and dislikes, and she has every right to express them.

Reassess yourselves - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following questions answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education pages on May 7, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I have just completed my class XII Board exams (CBSE) and am now preparing for AIPMT 2015. My aim is to get into AFMC, Pune and join the Armed Forces as a doctor. The problem is that I've completely lost interest in studies. It was never like this before. I loved studying, especially Science, and I used to get very good marks, as well. But now studies have become a tedious task. And naturally, marks have suffered. I’ve just not been able to perform well this year. Neither have I performed well in the Boards. My confidence has crashed and no matter how much I try, I’m not able to lift myself up from the mess that I’m in. I've been a very lonely person since class VI and no matter how much I try, I've never been able to make friends.

Good marks were the only reason I was able to keep my head high, but now, since I've lost that also, I feel very dark, dead and depressed. I feel like I’m trapped and I’m just not able to concentrate on my studies. I’m with my books all the time but knowledge is farther than ever. And somehow in the long run, I've developed the habit of procrastinating.

I've never achieved the goals I set for a single day because of this habit. No matter how much I try, I'm not able to get that old zeal and fire for studies. I really want to become a doctor (a surgeon) and serve my country. But my goal now seems to be very distant. Please help me.
A student

Dear student
Thank you for reaching out for help, and there are many things in your letter that I feel you may need help with. You have talked about your loneliness since the sixth standard and how your sense of worth was based on your marks. That is what gave you the confidence to face the world. And now you are feeling that you are losing that and therefore your future is appearing dark and bleak. I am not sure which city you live in, but if you have access to a counsellor, I think you will be able to derive a lot of benefit – in building your self-esteem, and in understanding your fears and distractions, and therefore learning to focus. You will also get help in addressing your issue of loneliness. Alternatively, you can call the free counselling helpline for young adults set up by Parivarthan. For this you can call the number 080 65333323 and a counsellor at the other end will support you.

My analysis is that because your whole sense of self-worth is based on your marks, as the time for the big tests is approaching, you are getting increasingly stressed and anxious about it, which is preventing you from focusing on your task at hand. Helping you understand your fears and anxieties will go a long way in reducing your stress around these exams. I have written extensively on this topic in my blog, and you may also want to reference some of the articles there – See a Lion in the Mirror (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html ); Putting Exams in Perspective (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ); It’s not the end of the road (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html ).

Dear Madam 
I am studying in class XI with a combination of PCMB. I got an 8.4 CGPA in the class X. I always get distracted when I study or listen to teachers either in class or tuition, so I am not able to concentrate on my studies. As I will be entering class XII soon and this year will be very crucial for me, I need to work hard and get good marks. Please help me. Thank you.
Jayanth

Dear Jayanth
I would like you to spend some time to understand your motivation for studying and getting good marks. Is it something that you ‘need’ to do because of societal and parental pressure, or is it something that you ‘want’ to do because of your own inner drive to do well and excel in whatever you are attempting. Till such time that you do it, because it is an external need and expectation from you, you are doing it to keep other people happy. And that is a big pressure, because no matter what you do, other people may still not be happy. However, if it is because of your own internal motivation, then you do it because of the joy and satisfaction it gives you and that does not put any external pressure on you. So try and understand why you say you ‘need’ to get good marks, and how you can move from feeling that external pressure to a state where you would ‘like’ to get good marks for your own satisfaction. This shift in perspective will reduce the negative effects of stress that are not allowing you to focus, and will allow you to benefit from the positive effects of having some stress and pressure that motivates you to work hard and give it your best shot.
All the best.

Dear Madam
I secured 89.17% in my I PUC. I joined a nearby tutorial for II PUC. I would like to pursue engineering and then do an MBA in an IIM or any other reputed university. I am clear about my career, but I am quite afraid about KCET which I am going to write in April 2016. Since I am not going to CET coaching, I am a bit tense about whether I will be able to do it. I also wanted to know if an engineering college and its reputation matters in any way for my career? My mom says all colleges are the same. Is it true? My home, college and tuition place are quite far. Since my tutorials start at 6 am, I have to get up at 4 am. After the tutorials get over at 8 am, I leave for college and have something to eat. My college finishes at 4 pm and I return home with my sister by 6 pm. I am scared of the lack of time to prepare for my CET. Is a crash course enough for CET? Please guide me. I am really confused and worried. Sorry for such a long list of queries.
Aishwarya S Rao

Dear Aishwarya
I can sense your shortage of time, and how tiring such a long day must be for you. I cannot give you any input on which course is good and what is enough. But I do know that it is important to be able to have some time to de-stress in the day, otherwise all your effort may be counter-productive. It may be more helpful for you to do some amount of self-study and spend less time commuting and getting tired. Think about it.

As for which college is good and whether all colleges are the same, it is true that some of the more prestigious college open better doors for you in the job market. However, having said that, it is important to remember three things:

1. Your success in your career will not depend only on your marks in these, and other, exams. It will depend on your other, more important, soft skills like communication skills, ability to be part of a team, ability to lead a team, ability to think creatively and out of the box, ability to problem-solve, ability to handle pressure and so on. 

2. A particular college may open some doors for you, but being successful at those opportunities that come up,and making the most of them is in your hands and has very little to do with the marks in your exams.

3. If one door closes, another one will open – only you have to allow yourself to see it.
Hope this helps.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I completed my BCom in 2009 and after that I took up the CA course. After  much struggle I completed my IPCC and I’m now in the final course. But in the Final too, I am struggling to complete. After six attempts also, I couldn't pass the CA Final exam and now I have my lost patience to complete CA.

After analyzing why I am not able to pass, I realized that I was most interested in Computer Science Engineering. But due to some unavoidable situations, and a few people saying that engineering is more competitive and has less job opportunities, they made me take up CA.

Now I’m really confused about my future. I’m planning to switch over to CS engineering from CA. My question is whether there is any scope to switch over to software engineering and will I be successful after taking up engineering. And what courses should I complete to become a successful professional, and how much time will it take to do so.

I don’t know today’s scope in computer science, and I request you to provide me the trend in computer science in upcoming years. I’m eagerly waiting for your valuable suggestions.
Vijay Kumar

Dear Vijay Kumar
I am not a career counsellor and so will not be able to give you any inputs on which course is good, how long it will take, and what are the prospects after it. I do, however, feel that after spending six years doing CA, if you want to change your field to engineering now, you will have to start from the very beginning, and you must be comfortable with the fact that all your colleagues and class mates will be 6 years younger than you. Both these situations can be very challenging, unless you are prepared for them. Also, how have you ascertained that your interest is actually computer science engineering, and how are you going to overcome the hurdles that field will throw up. I am not even sure you can go down that path with a Commerce background. 

Given that you are in the last mile of your CA, you may want to persist and at least finish that before going another path. All your options will still be open after you finish that. Finishing it will give you a sense of satisfaction that you have not wasted six years in terms of qualifications.

Before changing, it may be wise for you to spend some time on self-reflection and understanding yourself better – what are your strengths and weaknesses, what are the opportunities available to you, and what are the roadblocks you may encounter? It is not that changing the line of study is a problem, but in your case you may need to do a cost-benefit analysis and see if you are better off spending that time studying engineering, or engaging in some entrepreneurial activities. There are many success stories of entrepreneurs who do not have degrees to back them.
Good luck!

Does hitting impact the mental health of your children?

[The following article written by me was carried on the website of the White Swan Foundation http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/does-hitting-impact-the-mental-health-of-your-children/]

Children are routinely hit, at home and at school. After all, that is the most effective way to discipline them, isn’t it? Well, it certainly is the easiest way. How effective it is, is a whole different story.
I have met several children who are routinely hit for the slightest misdemeanor on their part. And adults who were hit when they were children – either with a bare hand, a ruler, a stick, or even a hot metal rod (as I mentioned in my last column). Apart from the fact that this gets me really agitated (and is really my issue to deal with), I began to think about the reasons that could possibly drive parents to hit their children, and the psychological and emotional impact of this on their children.
So why would a parent physically hurt their child? My conversations with several parents over the years have thrown up many possible reasons.

One of these, and a very significant one, is that that was the way they were brought up, and, therefore, that is the only way they know to discipline their own children. They turned out okay, and so will their children, they tell me. “How can you discipline a child without beating them?” is a common refrain. My question to those parents is, “Did you like being hit, when it was being done to you? What were your feelings at that time?” It may have been a long time ago, but if they took a minute to recollect those instances, those feelings of many years ago would resurface: the fear, the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the feeling of not being good enough, the sadness, and yes, even the hatred for those who used to hit them!

The second reason is anxiety and helplessness — anxiety about their child’s performance and future, and helplessness at their inability to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety of what will become of their child in the future, and probably above all, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out ‘right’ or ‘perfect’. This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stresses, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with life and this is their way of expressing their anger. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, be expressing their anger onto their children, who feel powerless to respond. This may make the parents feel more in control of their actions, at a time when they feel helpless and out of control in the face of other situations.

There are several myths surrounding the ‘need’ to resort to hitting, and its importance, in bringing up children. Some parents believe that they should be strict and their child should be fearful of them. This makes them feel in control. On the contrary, though, these children may end up believing that their parents are completely ‘out-of-control’ and stop trusting their ability to guide and mentor them.
Some parents believe that if they beat their child, the child will be scared of them, and will be able to focus on work, achieve something in life, and stay on track. On the contrary, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track, and do exactly what they want, just ensuring that their parents never come to know of it! The child feels motivated to do ’wrong’ behind the parents’ back. Fear also distracts the child and stops them from being able to concentrate. Fear may motivate them enough to avoid failure, but it can never make their journey joyful, or motivate them enough to achieve their true potential.

Some parents believe that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way. It teaches them that violence is okay. It teaches them that they don’t need to respect the feelings of others. It teaches them that they are not worthy of being liked or respected.

Some parents believe that disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective. On the contrary, this only results in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. For disciplining to be effective, consequences must be known ahead of time, and there must be certainty of their being enforced a hundred per cent of the time.

Some parents believe that the role of disciplining is to make the child pay for past misbehavior. On the contrary, the purpose of disciplining is to stop future misbehavior. And this involves a completely different shift in mindset for the parents. The painfulness of the hitting becomes completely irrelevant. The knowledge around certainty of punishment becomes more important than its randomness and painfulness.

So, there are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to hitting as a way of parenting and instilling discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, children learn that violence is an acceptable reaction to a trigger, and so start practicing it themselves. They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, and become targets for others. They work just enough to avoid failure, rather than being self-motivated and pushing themselves to achieve success, exploiting their true potential, and enjoying the journey that is life. They may slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. This may lead them to maintaining only a duty-bound relationship with their parents, as opposed to a relationship built on love, connection, communication, trust and caring.

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties and the short-comings of your past, whether that means practicing meditation, talking to a friend, or seeking the help of a counsellor. Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behavior.

I would prefer to believe that parents hit their children mindlessly; that it is an automatic response to a momentary stimulus, rather than a thought-out action with the intent of hurting their child. And, therefore, this is an attempt at making parents aware of the possible long-term implications of these momentary thoughtless acts. If they then still choose to indulge in such behavior, it is at least a thought-out, mindful choice that they make, the consequences of which they fully understand.