Nothing worth having comes easy - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald of September 15, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am a BTech student, who finds no point in leading life as an engineer, where I can’t be of any help to others. So, I wish to get into medical field and be a doctor who can save lives. I don’t know how to express this to my family, who expect a lot from me. Please help me.

A student

Dear student,

There are several things that stand out for me in your letter. Your desire to be of service to mankind is commendable, but it seems to me that you consider moving from engineering into medicine a step down. I am not sure why you think that way because this is not a choice between the right and the wrong, but rather one between two right options. Often we are faced with having to make a choice between two equally good options and this appears to be one such situation. It may be worthwhile for you to understand why you are considering medicine as an inferior choice.

Because you are considering it as an inferior choice, you seem to be fearful about discussing it with your parents. You are assuming they will feel let down by it and that you will not be able to fulfil their expectations if you become a doctor. Please try and understand what you think these expectations are? Most of the time we assume people have expectations, and also assume what the expectations must be. It is worth your while to see if that is truly the case. You may be assuming all this about your parents which in reality may not be true and the only way to find that out is to have open meaningful communication with them.

My last point is that no matter what others’ expectations may be of you, you need to do what you believe in. You need to live for yourself, because you only have one life to live. And the chances are that if you live authentically and be true to yourself, you will be happy, and as a result those around you will also be happy. Ultimately, if your parents find you committed to a path that you believe in, which is giving you happiness and satisfaction, they will eventually realise that you chose the path that was best for you.

Dear Madam,
Though I didn’t study properly in PU and scored less marks, my parents joined me to a diploma course. Later, I started studying seriously and my parents were happy with it. But now, in spite of putting 100% effort, I have two backlogs in my fifth semester and I couldn’t clear it in the final semester also. Both teachers and parents have supported me. Even the slow learners in my class have got into engineering. I feel that with a precious year of my life is getting wasted, all is lost. I don’t know what to do. My main worry is that my parents are not happy with me. I want to see them happy at any cost. Please help me out.
A student

Dear student,

Please remember that life is not a race with time running out, so that if you stumble once all is lost and you lose the race. Life is like a marathon run where you may lose some time, or you stumble, but the goal is to complete the course, not to win it. If you win, it is a bonus. So if you have lost some time, it does not mean that all is lost. Put the one year into the perspective of your whole life of more than 80 years.

Life is about experiences and learnings, and this slight detour may have taught you some life lessons. If you have learnt those lessons then nothing is lost. So, may be you should take some time to take stock of what this experience has taught you and how you are going to utilise those learnings.

Your goal cannot be to make your parents happy, because that is not within your control. You have to focus on things within your control, like your own happiness. You are not responsible for your parents’ happiness. They are responsible for their happiness and you are responsible for yours. You may do the best you can and they may still choose to not be happy.

That is something they control and is not in your control. So don’t focus on it. Focus on your own happiness, which will come from living authentically and meaningfully, and giving your best effort to all your endeavours. That is all that counts. Your parents’ happiness will follow.

All the best.

Dear Madam,
I have just finished college and taken up my first job. Though I like my work, I am not able to move freely with the team. I also find it difficult to concentrate on my work and hence, the work suffers. In spite of repeated suggestions and advice from my colleagues, I am not able to improve. This makes me feel low. Kindly help me overcome this situation.

A confused person

Dear confused person,

I think it will be helpful for you to meet a counsellor who can help you understand what you are going through. If you do not have access to a face to face counsellor, you can call the free counselling helpline at 080 65333323. A counsellor will be able to help you identify your fears that are preventing you from mixing with your colleagues, and your anxieties that may be interfering with your ability to focus.

Could it be possible that you are worried and anxious in your new surrounding – what will people think of you, what if they think you are not good enough, what if you make a mistake in your work, what if they fire you from the job? Could it be possible that such thoughts and worries are bogging you down? I cannot say for sure because I have not spoken to you, but this is just a guess I am making.

Whether this is true or not, it will be helpful for you to meet a counsellor to identify the underlying reasons for your behaviour and learn of ways to overcome it.

All the best.

Dear Madam,
Our 10-year-old child has joined a good school recently and is taking time to adjust to the new environment. Some days, he comes home with a sad face. When asked, he complains about his classmates not being friendly. He also asks us to change the school. But after a few days, he withdraws his suggestion and says that he is happy with the school. We are worried about his experience in the school and do not know how to go about. Please guide us in this regard.

Worried parents

Dear worried parents,

If the school has a counsellor, it will be good for you to connect to him or her and discuss your concerns. Also, encourage your child to visit the counsellor who will be able to help him process his experiences in a way that he does not feel traumatised.

Everyone takes time to adjust to a new environment. The important thing to remember is that neither you, nor your son, can control the environment. The only thing you can control is how you respond to whatever is happening in the environment. You cannot tell others in the school to behave properly because you have no power over them, and even if some listen, others may not. Or they may listen for a while and then revert to their old behaviour. Or some children may stop misbehaving and others may start.

The only thing you can control, that is constant in all these situations, is how you respond to the situation and how much you allow it to bother you. I think it will be very helpful for your son to see a counsellor, whether in the school or outside, who can help him understand his experiences and his response, and learn a more healthy way to respond.

His desire to change the school may vary depending on his experience that day. With the help of a counsellor he will be able to deal with the existing environment and not feel pressured by his peers.

All the best.

Believe in yourself - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 25, 2016]

Dear Madam,
I am a guy studying in college. I love cooking and often talk about it with my other friends. But I am made fun for this. My friends berate me for being in the kitchen instead of being in the playground playing football. Though I love football too, I find cooking to be therapeutic. What should I do to make them stop making fun of me?
A cooking enthusiast

Dear cooking enthusiast,
It is heart-warming to hear about your passion for cooking. Believe me, there is nothing to berate about it. This skill and interest will hold you in good stead for the rest of your life. Believe in yourself and your right to choose what you prefer to do and how you prefer to spend your time. 

You don’t need to stop doing something because it is not the ‘cool’ thing to do, or to gain acceptance in a group. If your friends are true friends, they will stay with you because of who you are, not because of what you do. So, continue cooking. I agree, it can be very creative and therapeutic.

Dear Madam,
I am a college-going girl who loves dancing and theatre. I have joined classes to 
pursue the same. But my parents discourage me from such activities as they believe they will affect my academics. But I think I can do both without letting my scores get affected. My scores have been average and I am happy with it. I can’t give up on my dance or theatre classes as they make me happy and give a good break from academics. How do I convince my parents to allow me to continue my extracurricular activities?
A distressed student

Dear distressed student,
It is very important to have passions other than academics and if you have them, I think you are blessed. Academics is important but you must not make your whole life about academics. The only thing academics will do is to open some doors for you. What you make of the doors that open is based on other life skills. And your dance and theatre probably do a lot towards making you learn other life skills. 

So, you need to have these conversations with your parents so that they also start seeing life as being about more than academics. Maybe you can all sit down and talk about it, and if you feel that will not work, then maybe you should have a family counselling session so that everyone can understand the other’s perspective and be comfortable with the others’ choices. Good luck!

Dear Madam,
My son is studying in Class 7 and is a slow learner. He lacks attention and grasping power. Though he is engaged in writing all through, he doesn’t pay interest in studies and he doesn’t do anything on his own. Please guide me as to how to go about on this.
Anbar

Dear Anbar,
Before you arrive at conclusions about your son, please get him assessed for his learning abilities and see if he will benefit from some special educational support. It is important to ensure that his behaviour is not something he is choosing. Your appropriate response will depend on that. So, please get him assessed for learning or attention difficulties.

Dear Madam,
I am doing my postgraduate studies in English. Though I expected a good result, I got less marks in my first semester and am now worried about my second semester results. As a result, I am under a lot of stress and eat very less. Time management is also a problem with me. Above all this, I feel that there is a lot of pressure from lecturers. 
Kindly help me out.
A Student

Dear student,
I think it will be very helpful for you to connect with a counsellor who may be able to help you understand yourself better, and understand your thought processes and beliefs that are getting you stressed and overwhelmed. There will always be stress and pressure around us. That is not something we can control. However, we can control our responses to the stressors and how we interpret and respond to situations. 

Talking with a counsellor can help you do this. If you do not have access to a face-to-face counsellor you may want to start with reaching out to counsellors at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. Good luck! 

Dear Madam,
I am a student of Science and want to study Medical. But I have lost interest due to all the chaos that was caused this time. Law is also my passion. I was sadly unaware of CLAT until quite recently and missed out the chance to write it this year.

My family is very conservative about my education and are forcing me to do Medicine if I get a seat. They are also not accepting the fact that I wish to take a year off to prepare for CLAT 2017. How can I convince them? 

I want to join NLSIU and do LLM from Harvard Law School, USA. My dreams excite me to work hard. But without emotional support from my family, will I ever be successful in life? Please help me.
A student

Dear student,
If you are really interested in pursuing law, then follow your dreams. Ultimately, it is the passion that you bring to your career that will make a difference between you being good enough vs you being great. And this passion can only come from you, not from your family. Beyond a point, you need to do what you believe in and want. Your career is something you need to live with for the next 30-40 years of your life, so it should be something you enjoy, no matter what anyone says.

Ultimately, if you are happy doing what you are doing, your family will eventually come around. The key to bringing your parents on board with your decision lies in being able to have conversations about your reasons for pursuing law, understanding their reservations and presenting your point of view. If you feel you will not be able to have this conversation on your own, try involving someone else in your family who can help you, or even try going for some family counselling so that everyone can get on the same page and support each other. All the best.

Marks are not everything - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of August 4, 2016]

Dear Madam,
Over the past few years, I have faced a lot of difficulties to be a topper. However, despite this, I still feel alone and hated by everyone. I constantly feel angry with my friends for not understanding me and my situation.

As a result, they have stopped talking to me. While I do acknowledge this, I have trouble overcoming this feeling of hate. How do I improve? What are the ways that I can use to curb my anger?
A student

Dear Student,
It seems that till now you have focussed on being a topper, and having got there, you now are feeling you have missed out on other aspects of life like friendships and relationships. You are expecting people to be charitable towards you because you are a topper, but generally what matters most to people is how someone relates to them and how they make them feel, not what someone has achieved. It is always important to bear this in mind.

Success in marks is only one aspect of success and plays a very limited role in ultimate success in life. It is wise to spend some time thinking about what success in life would mean to you and start living by those principles. Better late than never. Anger is always a secondary emotion. You don’t just get angry – you get angry because some other primary emotional need is not being met.

Maybe you are feeling lonely, or isolated, or ignored. It is helpful to be able to address your underlying emotional need and then work with a counsellor to help you deal with it. You don’t need to curb your anger. You need to understand your anger so that you can express it meaningfully and bring about changes to deal with it. The feeling of anger is okay. It is the inappropriate expression of the anger that sometimes becomes a problem.

Dear Madam,
I am doing my Masters in English. My life has been on a roller coaster and quite depressing. Most of the time, I am not able to concentrate in the class and don’t mingle with friends. On top of everything, I get less marks in exams. I don’t eat properly and don’t even get good sleep. I am worried about my future and literally do not know will I ever settle in life. Please guide me.
A student

Dear Student,
Everyone’s life is a roller coaster with ups and downs. However, when you go through a down phase it seems like that is the end of everything. But remember in a roller coaster, there are steep down phases followed by steep up phases. The down always ends with an up, and the up always ends with a down. Nothing is permanent and this keeps changing. The same often happens in life.

Sometimes when we are anxious we get immobilised into inaction, are unable to concentrate and focus, unable to sleep and eat because we predict a future negative outcome that is scary. Try and understand what is this negative outcome that you are predicting will happen in the future and why are you finding that scary.

It will be very helpful for you to get the help of a counsellor to deal with your anxieties and believe in your own capabilities to handle whatever situation life throws your way. If you cannot meet a counsellor face to face, please reach out to the free Parivarthan counselling helpline at 080 65333323 where you can reach a counsellor who will be able to help you.

Dear Madam,
Sometimes, I feel no one in my life takes me seriously. Be it my friends in college or my parents or anyone else, it feels like my opinion doesn’t matter at all. Sometimes, I think everyone looks down upon me, as someone who is ignorant about everything in life. This puts me down and makes me lose confidence. So, I think ten times before saying something again. What do I do?
An ignored girl

Dear Ignored Girl,
How would you know that people are taking you seriously? How would you know that your opinion is valued? It is generally helpful to bear in mind that people around us reflect back to us what we think and believe about ourselves. What others think about you is not that important. It is what you think about yourself that holds the key. Believe in yourself. Know and acknowledge your strengths.

That is what makes you feel stronger about yourself. And when you feel stronger, you behave in a more confident and self-assured way. When you behave that way people automatically start taking you seriously and take your opinions into account. When you feel weak about yourself, you tend to behave in a diffident way, lacking confidence.

This generally gets picked up by the people around you and they don’t take you seriously. So, it is not about what they think of you. It is more about what you think about yourself. And to help you change your beliefs about yourself it may be helpful to get the support of a counsellor, unless you have some trusted adults who can help you.

Dear Madam,
Often, I am told that I shouldn’t learn the subjects through rote learning. But I believe that’s the only way I can score good grades in my exams. My professors often advise me to interpret concepts in my own way and then put that on the paper. But, I can only learn if I memorise all the answers which are provided by them. After all, aren’t good marks necessary in life? Kindly help me out here. What’s the way to go?
A confused student

Dear Student,
Good marks may open a few doors for you, get you admission into some college, get you a job interview, etc. However, those are very short-term goals. Ultimately what you make of those opportunities will not depend on the marks you get. Learning how to learn, and applying your learning are concepts that will stay with you for life.

Success in life has very little to do with marks. You may get 100% marks and still not be successful because of life skills that you have not focussed on. Some of the skills that will help you go a long way towards your success are having the ability to keep learning as you go along, being creative, being able to solve problems, being able to work in a team, being able to lead a team, being able to communicate well, and being hard-working and diligent, among other things.

None of these have anything to do with the marks you get in your next exam. So focus on the long-term – it will pay off in the long-term. All the best.

Grades don't guarantee success - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education pages on July 13, 2016]

Dear Madam,
I’m a student doing my Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science and Engineering, but the problem is that I have never been interested in this course. Ever since I joined the Science stream at my parents’ behest, my life has been one depressing roller coaster. I had always wanted to do something related to the social welfare of my country and its citizens. I have always wanted to get into the field of International relations, but now I just can’t. I joined the engineering course two years ago. Now, I’m repeating my first year. I am depressed, have gained weight, don’t talk to my friends and don’t go out. I don’t know what to do. Should I quit because I’m constantly depressed? My father says even if I finish my degree with an aggregate of 50%, I can study further and then get a well-paid job and settle down, and while I’m no fool who says ‘It’s not about the money’ (because it is), I just can’t seem to get motivated to do my Bachelor’s degree. Please, please help me. 
A student

Dear Student,

I think the fields of science and engineering allow you enough opportunity to work in any other field that you may want. You can study engineering and use your skills for the betterment of society. You can study science and use it to further International Relations as well since economies are really global now and scientific developments are often the subject of international agreements. So don’t think that you need to give up your dreams because you chose the wrong subject. The subjects you choose are only a stepping stone to an end path. The possible end paths may be many, and you can really make them out to be whatever you want.

Try and understand what success means to you and what will give you happiness. This may be completely different from what your success means to your parents. Understand what motivates you. Your depression may not have anything to do with your current choice of subjects. It could be something completely different based on beliefs that you have which are not serving you. I suggest you see a counsellor, or reach out to the free Parivarthan Counselling helpline at 080 65333323 where a counsellor can help you over the phone.

Dear Madam,
I am currently in the first year of college and I stay away from my family. This is the first time I am staying away from them for a long period. As a result, I often feel alone and feel like I don’t belong, despite being in a good college and surrounded by nice people. Due to this, I feel that it would impact my studies and making new friends. While I do feel that I have settled down to some extent, this feeling doesn’t seem to be going away. How can I make this situation feel better? Any guidance would be helpful.  
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It is normal for children (or for that matter, sometimes even adults) to feel homesick when they leave home (especially for the first time). You have left what was a familiar and comfortable environment to move to a new unfamiliar environment where you need to re-establish your relationships, take responsibility for everything yourself, and basically take charge of your life. That can be scary and over-whelming for everyone, but you slowly start getting the hang of it and feeling more comfortable in your new space. Stay in touch with your family and friends back home, and often, that helps reduce the distance. Talk to them about what you are feeling so that they understand. Whenever you get a chance, take a short trip back home if possible (over a long weekend) and that may help you. Know that this is a normal part of your settling down. Talk to a counsellor if you feel very concerned about it and that should help. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student, following the CBSE stream. As I would be writing the Board exams in the coming year, I feel pressurized to do well and achieve a perfect score of 10, as this is what my older sibling has got in the previous cycle of the exams. While I do want to do my best and achieve a good score, I think that I may not be able to do so because of this pressure. At the same time, I also want to achieve a balance of study and play. How can I ensure that this happens without hampering my end result?
A stressed student

Dear Student

Please remember that marks in exams are only an external objective benchmark that the world uses (because they need some benchmark) to assess you. They do not necessarily represent the reality, not are they a predictor of success. What is of more significance is your internal subjective assessment of your own worth. That drives the effort you can put in, the confidence you have, the choices you make, and what you make of those choices. The most important end result is not the perfect 10 score, but your ability to put in your best effort, your ability to learn, get along with people, communicate well, your ability to think out of the box and solve problems creatively, your ability to be a thought-leader and a people leader, among many other things. Marks don’t figure anywhere in this equation. Marks only open doors for you. They do not guarantee success. So focus on the right goals. Remember, this is not about being better than your sibling, or about being good enough for your parents. This is about your life, and making the most of it and living it to achieve your potential. All the best.

Dear Madam, 
I am a Class 12 (ICSE) student with a variety of interests. In particular, I am interested in fine arts, writing and psychology. However, when it comes down to choosing what I can study in depth; I am highly confused. My parents are suggesting to me the fields of engineering and medicine. However, I have no interest in these fields as I do not want to have a career in the ‘well trodden path’, despite it being a lucrative and intriguing option. I want to have a career that is unique and also pursue something that would take me down that path. In this light, how can I narrow down my interests to form my career? Also, is it possible to merge my interests? Please guide. 
A confused student  

Dear Student

It may help you to go to a career counsellor who can help you map your interests and aptitude to career options. Unfortunately, I do not do that. It is possible to merge interests and arrive at a path that you want to create for yourself, but I think talking to someone individually about this will be more helpful than a generalized answer in this column. Find a path and go down it because you like it, you are good at it and it can help add value to yourself and the world. Don’t go down a path because someone is telling you to. There is much to be gained to spend some time in soul-searching and self-analysis to help you arrive at a chosen path. All the best.

Dreams don't work unless you do - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education pages of June 15, 2016]

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing BE and living in a hostel. I share my room with another guy, who isn’t serious about anything in life. He has no interest in studying and spends most of his time playing games or roaming in the mall. Also, whenever I study, he constantly disturbs me. I am afraid if it continues like this, it will affect my grades and career. What do I do?
A hassled student

Dear Student,
There will always be influences around us that may not be helpful and it is up to us how much we allow them to influence us and how we establish our personal boundaries to not allow them in. Don’t feel pressured to do what he does. It is okay for you to assertively hold your ground and let him know that that is not what you want to do and you would like to spend your time differently, and that you would be happy to help him do the same if he would like to. You don’t have to feel that it is necessary for you to agree with him and do what he wants you to do in order to maintain an amicable relationship. You are both different people and it is okay for each to assert their own individuality in order to feel comfortable. Your goal in life is not to keep him happy or to make him like you. It is okay to disagree with his world-view and hold your own. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am always running behind deadlines. No matter how early I begin my work, it always gets delayed. Could you suggest some effective time-management strategies? 
A stressed student

Dear Student,
Time management is a very important skill for students to be able to plan out their work without getting overwhelmed and falling behind. An important thing to remember is that by not doing the work, it is not going to somehow magically not have to be done. It is not going to go away. It is just going to pile up. And the piling up is going to increase your stress and make you less able to deal with it. 

An important thing to be able to do is to separate the urgent from the non-urgent and the important from the unimportant and focus on the urgent and important first. Our normal tendency is to focus on the trivial and unimportant stuff first and get that out of the way.

Also, it is helpful to make lists and deadlines and keep them handy and visible so that you don’t have to waste your active memory remembering that kind of stuff and can 
better focus on what you are doing. 

Make lists, categorise the items on the list and keep ticking off as you go down the list. And remember to give yourself a pat on the back for every item you complete and tick off.
Also, remember that sometimes a lot of time is wasted in trying to achieve perfection in what we are doing. It is important to keep in mind that a disproportionate amount of time is required to achieve the task perfectly (at a 100% level) compared to doing it at a 95%. Most things are acceptable at a 95% level so don’t try to achieve perfection. Trying to achieve perfection is a needless time-waster.

Dear Madam,
For most of my life, I have lived with my parents. While I aspire to pursue higher education abroad, the thought of living away from my family is terrifying. But I don’t wish to give up on my dream course too. How do I manage this?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Moving away from the safety net of living at home with one’s family is a scary step and a major milestone in one’s life journey. Try and articulate your fears. Talk to a counsellor about them. Or discuss them with a trusted adult — someone who will not trivialize them or brush them away. Write them down. Write down what your worst fears are and see if they are rational, and think about ways in which you can address them. What are the things you can do to reduce the physical distance and keep the contact and connection? Remember that the other side seems scary right now because you don’t know what lies ahead. Once you start settling into your new life and new routine, your life will fill up meaningfully with new things.

This is a phase of life we all have to go through, and the earlier we go through it, the sooner we are able to deal with it. It is not only scary for you. It is probably scary for any child who is faced with the prospect of having to leave home and make a life of their own. But we must never stop dreaming. So, follow your dreams but don’t forget your roots because that is what gives you strength and keeps you anchored.

Dear Madam,
Though I am studying in Class 12, I feel I am childish. Everyone teases me behind my back, which is disturbing. As a result, I can’t focus on my studies. I also feel that I am selfish, aggressive and an ardent daydreamer. I also have a habit of talking to myself in my Class, which is very amusing for my classmates. But I don’t do such things on purpose. Since I don’t study regularly, my scores are low. Kindly suggest some remedy measures.
Madhuri

Dear Madhuri,
I think it will be very helpful for you to consult a counsellor who will be able to understand what you are thinking, feeling and experiencing and help you arrive at how you can help yourself. The counsellor will help you build your confidence and also address behaviors that you are finding challenging. It is not possible for me to give you any further advice in this column because I need a more in-depth understanding. 
All the best.

Communication is vital - Ask your counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on May 26, 2016]

Dear Madam,
In this fast and competitive world, I am confused about what is good for me. Is it good to choose a career which brings me happiness? Or is it better to choose a career which my elders/relatives/society wants me to do in which they all are happy.
A student

Dear Student,

You have one life to live, and one life to make yourself happy. Your parents and relatives and society have all had their own chances. Ultimately they want you to be happy. It’s just that they think they know the way for you to be happy, or they believe what made them happy will be the same thing that will make you happy. Or, they want to live out their own dreams through you – they weren’t able to achieve what they wanted to in life, so they want you to achieve it, sort of on their behalf.

Remember you are the captain of your ship. It is your responsibility to steer it towards where you want to go, if you are clear of your dream destination. The others are mere cheerleaders.

If they see you reaching your dream destination, ultimately, even if they don’t like it at first, they will eventually cheer you on if they realise the power of your dreams and how happy you are chasing them. All the best.

Dear Madam,
Due to some unknown reason, my grades in college are dropping down day by day. I have completely lost my self-esteem and feel lonely and depressed. Could you suggest what can I do so that I can gain my self-esteem back?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I think it is important for you to be able to understand why your grades are dropping, which is causing to lose your confidence. It will be very helpful for you to seek the help of a counsellor to understand what is going on for you. If you have access to a counsellor please set up time for some sessions with him or her.

If not please reach out for support on the many free counselling helplines that are available just for this purpose. One such is the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline. You can reach out to them on 080-65333323. A counsellor from the centre will be able to provide you with the initial support and an understanding of what’s happening. All the best.

Dear Madam,
Though I am good in studies, my parents have never appreciated me so far; but they appreciate others even those who are not good in studies. They think by doing this they are motivating me but the opposite happens. Please guide me as to how to cope with this problem.
Adithi

Dear Adithi,

I think it is important for you to let your parents know how you feel about what they do and let that start an important conversation which will help you express your feelings and point of view, while at the same time allow you to listen to their perspective. What you are saying is your perception and your reading of what they do. It may not be based on the reality of what they are trying to do. Remember, communication is important. And even more important is communication that allows you to express your feelings.

Remember, all your feelings are valid and important, but it is your responsibility to let the others in your life know about your feelings. Don’t assume that they know, or understand the impact of what they say and do, on you, unless you tell them. All the best

Dear Madam,
I have just completed Class 9 and I am going to Class 10. Everybody around me is talking about the Board exams. I am pressured to do well. Even though it is one year away, I feel very nervous and tense.
I don’t know what to do. How do I ease the tension? I feel if this pressure increases, I will end up failing in the exams even though I have studied well. I am a good student who gets good marks. Please help.
A student

Dear student,

I think you need to communicate with your parents that you are feeling pressured and how the constant conversation about Board exams is stressing you out. Please don’t assume that others understand how you feel and respond to situations and remarks.

If something is not working for you and you are not feeling okay about it, it is your responsibility to yourself to express it and let others know that what they may be thinking is helpful is actually not.

So go ahead – talk about it. And also talk about your anxieties, worries, fears and stressors. You are lucky the people around you care enough about you to worry about your success. Now turn that support to your advantage in a way that helps you, not hurts you. See the silver-lining in having support. Use it and mould it to your advantage.

Dear Madam,
I am in Class 11 and have a boyfriend. We both like each other a lot and have been dating for a few months. However, I’m constantly distracted because of this. I can’t stop thinking about him. Even if I am in class or in a test or at home, I think about meeting him and talking to him. Is this normal? I don’t want to be like this. Please guide.
Neha

Dear Neha,

Boyfriends can be distracting for everyone. But ultimately it is our choice to make them our whole life and the purpose of our existence, or to treat them as an icing on the cake and a nice to have, while you go about the main purpose of your life. Remember that you are a worthy and capable person, and your purpose in life is not just to have a relationship with someone.

You have a larger purpose in life, for yourself and the world at large, and you must respect yourself enough to allow yourself to achieve your full potential. No one is more important than you and you don’t need to make your dreams and aspirations less important than anyone else. Remember, in this journey, having a companion is a bonus.

But the companion cannot become the journey. If you want more help in dealing with this, I suggest you meet a counsellor who will help you understand your emotions and behaviour. All the best.