Reassess yourselves - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following questions answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education pages on May 7, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I have just completed my class XII Board exams (CBSE) and am now preparing for AIPMT 2015. My aim is to get into AFMC, Pune and join the Armed Forces as a doctor. The problem is that I've completely lost interest in studies. It was never like this before. I loved studying, especially Science, and I used to get very good marks, as well. But now studies have become a tedious task. And naturally, marks have suffered. I’ve just not been able to perform well this year. Neither have I performed well in the Boards. My confidence has crashed and no matter how much I try, I’m not able to lift myself up from the mess that I’m in. I've been a very lonely person since class VI and no matter how much I try, I've never been able to make friends.

Good marks were the only reason I was able to keep my head high, but now, since I've lost that also, I feel very dark, dead and depressed. I feel like I’m trapped and I’m just not able to concentrate on my studies. I’m with my books all the time but knowledge is farther than ever. And somehow in the long run, I've developed the habit of procrastinating.

I've never achieved the goals I set for a single day because of this habit. No matter how much I try, I'm not able to get that old zeal and fire for studies. I really want to become a doctor (a surgeon) and serve my country. But my goal now seems to be very distant. Please help me.
A student

Dear student
Thank you for reaching out for help, and there are many things in your letter that I feel you may need help with. You have talked about your loneliness since the sixth standard and how your sense of worth was based on your marks. That is what gave you the confidence to face the world. And now you are feeling that you are losing that and therefore your future is appearing dark and bleak. I am not sure which city you live in, but if you have access to a counsellor, I think you will be able to derive a lot of benefit – in building your self-esteem, and in understanding your fears and distractions, and therefore learning to focus. You will also get help in addressing your issue of loneliness. Alternatively, you can call the free counselling helpline for young adults set up by Parivarthan. For this you can call the number 080 65333323 and a counsellor at the other end will support you.

My analysis is that because your whole sense of self-worth is based on your marks, as the time for the big tests is approaching, you are getting increasingly stressed and anxious about it, which is preventing you from focusing on your task at hand. Helping you understand your fears and anxieties will go a long way in reducing your stress around these exams. I have written extensively on this topic in my blog, and you may also want to reference some of the articles there – See a Lion in the Mirror (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html ); Putting Exams in Perspective (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ); It’s not the end of the road (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html ).

Dear Madam 
I am studying in class XI with a combination of PCMB. I got an 8.4 CGPA in the class X. I always get distracted when I study or listen to teachers either in class or tuition, so I am not able to concentrate on my studies. As I will be entering class XII soon and this year will be very crucial for me, I need to work hard and get good marks. Please help me. Thank you.
Jayanth

Dear Jayanth
I would like you to spend some time to understand your motivation for studying and getting good marks. Is it something that you ‘need’ to do because of societal and parental pressure, or is it something that you ‘want’ to do because of your own inner drive to do well and excel in whatever you are attempting. Till such time that you do it, because it is an external need and expectation from you, you are doing it to keep other people happy. And that is a big pressure, because no matter what you do, other people may still not be happy. However, if it is because of your own internal motivation, then you do it because of the joy and satisfaction it gives you and that does not put any external pressure on you. So try and understand why you say you ‘need’ to get good marks, and how you can move from feeling that external pressure to a state where you would ‘like’ to get good marks for your own satisfaction. This shift in perspective will reduce the negative effects of stress that are not allowing you to focus, and will allow you to benefit from the positive effects of having some stress and pressure that motivates you to work hard and give it your best shot.
All the best.

Dear Madam
I secured 89.17% in my I PUC. I joined a nearby tutorial for II PUC. I would like to pursue engineering and then do an MBA in an IIM or any other reputed university. I am clear about my career, but I am quite afraid about KCET which I am going to write in April 2016. Since I am not going to CET coaching, I am a bit tense about whether I will be able to do it. I also wanted to know if an engineering college and its reputation matters in any way for my career? My mom says all colleges are the same. Is it true? My home, college and tuition place are quite far. Since my tutorials start at 6 am, I have to get up at 4 am. After the tutorials get over at 8 am, I leave for college and have something to eat. My college finishes at 4 pm and I return home with my sister by 6 pm. I am scared of the lack of time to prepare for my CET. Is a crash course enough for CET? Please guide me. I am really confused and worried. Sorry for such a long list of queries.
Aishwarya S Rao

Dear Aishwarya
I can sense your shortage of time, and how tiring such a long day must be for you. I cannot give you any input on which course is good and what is enough. But I do know that it is important to be able to have some time to de-stress in the day, otherwise all your effort may be counter-productive. It may be more helpful for you to do some amount of self-study and spend less time commuting and getting tired. Think about it.

As for which college is good and whether all colleges are the same, it is true that some of the more prestigious college open better doors for you in the job market. However, having said that, it is important to remember three things:

1. Your success in your career will not depend only on your marks in these, and other, exams. It will depend on your other, more important, soft skills like communication skills, ability to be part of a team, ability to lead a team, ability to think creatively and out of the box, ability to problem-solve, ability to handle pressure and so on. 

2. A particular college may open some doors for you, but being successful at those opportunities that come up,and making the most of them is in your hands and has very little to do with the marks in your exams.

3. If one door closes, another one will open – only you have to allow yourself to see it.
Hope this helps.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I completed my BCom in 2009 and after that I took up the CA course. After  much struggle I completed my IPCC and I’m now in the final course. But in the Final too, I am struggling to complete. After six attempts also, I couldn't pass the CA Final exam and now I have my lost patience to complete CA.

After analyzing why I am not able to pass, I realized that I was most interested in Computer Science Engineering. But due to some unavoidable situations, and a few people saying that engineering is more competitive and has less job opportunities, they made me take up CA.

Now I’m really confused about my future. I’m planning to switch over to CS engineering from CA. My question is whether there is any scope to switch over to software engineering and will I be successful after taking up engineering. And what courses should I complete to become a successful professional, and how much time will it take to do so.

I don’t know today’s scope in computer science, and I request you to provide me the trend in computer science in upcoming years. I’m eagerly waiting for your valuable suggestions.
Vijay Kumar

Dear Vijay Kumar
I am not a career counsellor and so will not be able to give you any inputs on which course is good, how long it will take, and what are the prospects after it. I do, however, feel that after spending six years doing CA, if you want to change your field to engineering now, you will have to start from the very beginning, and you must be comfortable with the fact that all your colleagues and class mates will be 6 years younger than you. Both these situations can be very challenging, unless you are prepared for them. Also, how have you ascertained that your interest is actually computer science engineering, and how are you going to overcome the hurdles that field will throw up. I am not even sure you can go down that path with a Commerce background. 

Given that you are in the last mile of your CA, you may want to persist and at least finish that before going another path. All your options will still be open after you finish that. Finishing it will give you a sense of satisfaction that you have not wasted six years in terms of qualifications.

Before changing, it may be wise for you to spend some time on self-reflection and understanding yourself better – what are your strengths and weaknesses, what are the opportunities available to you, and what are the roadblocks you may encounter? It is not that changing the line of study is a problem, but in your case you may need to do a cost-benefit analysis and see if you are better off spending that time studying engineering, or engaging in some entrepreneurial activities. There are many success stories of entrepreneurs who do not have degrees to back them.
Good luck!

Communication is the Key - Ask Our Counsellor Q & A Column July 7, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 7, 2011]

Dear Madam,
Even though I’m very patient with my friends, I lose my temper with my folks at home. My parents comment on each and every move of mine. I really don’t intend to offend them, but sometimes I lose my control . They seem to oppose everything I do which makes me feel I’m incomplete and always wrong. Please suggest a remedy for my problem.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you feel suffocated by the constant monitoring of your parents. You also feel that they do not have confidence in you, or trust in your capabilities. This makes you feel inadequate and incapable.

What stops you from having a conversation with them about how their behaviour makes you feel? Our teenage years are when we individuate from our parents, and define ourselves. Parents often tend to miss this dynamic taking place, and end up being either judgmental or uncomfortable with their children taking on different points of view. They often don’t recognise their child’s growing need for some space .

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is the result of your feeling some other primary emotion — like feeling lonely, sad, guilty, inadequate, unloved, unworthy, and a host of other feelings. It is important for you to be able to identify your underlying primary emotions which result in your feeling angry. And, then discuss this dynamic with your parents.

If you feel unable to have this conversation with your parents on your own (because of your heightened emotions), I suggest you see a counsellor on your own (who can help you deal with your emotions), or as a family (so that the family dynamics can get sorted out). Communication is the key. I am sure your parents don’t have bad intentions. If this is causing you discomfort, then the onus to resolve this lies with you.

Dear Madam,
I completed my PU but failed to perform well in CET. I aspire to be a great doctor. Please help me. I’ve planned to write CET again next year. But I often get bored with books. Staying all alone at home, I waste my time watching TV. My parents don’t let me touch a cell phone or laptop. Help me in concentrating on my studies.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
I commend you for clarity on your ambition and aspirations. And, also, for the fact that you want to be, not just a doctor, but a great doctor. Unfortunately for the path you have chosen you would need to put in a lot of hard work and there are no shortcuts for that. However, the motivation for the hard work has to come from within you. And, if it genuinely is coming from within you, then you would not feel bored working towards your goal.

I am not able to reconcile the first part of your email to the second part. You would not be complaining about not having access to a cell phone or laptop, and watching too much TV. It seems to me that your parents are putting in these controls to help you work towards a goal that they have set for you. I think you need to search within and see what is it that you genuinely want. Once you have found that, you will have no time for distractions if you are truly committed to your path.

Convert your fear into strength : Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column December 10, 2010

The following queries answered by me were published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt December 10, 2010

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Standard 10 and my Board exams are fast approaching. I try to read, but I can’t. I find it difficult to remember. Sometimes, even when I read well and remember well, I don't score well because I commit many silly mistakes. Sometimes I leave my answer sheet blank as I don’t remember anything out of exam fear. Before going to the examination hall, I prepare myself to be brave but the moment I get the question paper, I find myself overcome by fear. My parents are very supportive. I have even taken medicines to improve my memory. I have a migraine problem too. How should I study and prepare myself for my exams?

Dear Madam,

I am a student of Class Eleven. My IQ is above average, but I make simple errors in calculation and reading. Sometimes, while solving a mathematical problem, I miss out 1 or 2 steps, which throws me off completely. I tell myself to concentrate, but it never works. I often realise the errors made by me only after turning in the answer sheet. Please help.

Dear students,

I get a sense that you are over-anxious about your results, and therefore, are not able to perform well in your exams. You blank out and tend to forget things or make careless mistakes. This often happens, and you are not alone in being anxious about your exams. Remember, while you need to put in an honest effort in preparing for the exams, you should not be overly focussed on the marks. The only thing you can control is your effort and learning. It is important to keep this in mind, so that even if you don't get the marks (for whatever reason), atleast the learning is still with you. No one can take that away. The other thing is to be able to put exams in perspective. While you are going though your exams it seems like it is the most important thing that you will ever do in your life, and that your whole life will depend on it. When you step out of your current shoes and look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life. This is only one of them. You need to be able to put them in perspective. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them. Success in life depends on several other factors like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few.

An important question I want to ask you is, how do you interpret failure? You are bound to face failure at several stages in life. Everybody does. The important thing is to be able to differentiate the failure from you. Failure is an event and not a person. If you failed an exam, it does not mean that you are a failure. It just means that you failed at doing one exam. Making some of these changes in the way you think may help ease off the pressure and anxiety you are facing on account of your result. Don’t chase the result — chase the learning and relax. Good luck!

Dear Madam,

I am an 18-year-old girl. I was performing well in academics till Class 10. In the past 2 years, I got distracted, was mentally disturbed and ended up messing my Class 12. I am not able to regain my confidence which I had two years ago. I am and always have been a very pessimistic person by nature. When I went down drastically in Class 12, some of my friends tried to console me by saying it is destiny, it probably was meant to happen and stuff like that. Now, I get extremely scared of my future. I have started believing in horoscopes, etc.

What exactly is destiny? Should I believe in horoscopes? Do they come true? I know I am being extremely stupid, but I am actually very disturbed by these predictions. I really need your help as no one really seems to understand my problem.

Dear student,

We all need to remember that each one of us faces ups and downs in life. When we are on a downswing, we start questioning our capability and keep feeling like things will never get better. At times like this, in our search for answers, we start placing great importance on horoscopes and destiny. That helps us believe that nothing is in our control and we are powerless. The important thing is to know that you have enormous power and control on your life. You have to believe that you can do whatever you set your mind and heart to doing.

However, I do feel, that given whatever you have described, it may be difficult to bring about this shift in yourself on your own. I suggest you take the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult if you don’t have access to a counsellor, who can help you regain your confidence. Once you feel more confident about yourself, you can accelerate your life’s journey in a productive manner.

Why exams are nothing to worry about

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore, on March 19, 2009]

The examination fever is on, and will be, for the next couple of months as students attend Board exams, entrance exams and semester exams. Much has been said about the pressure students face and how many of them succumb to that pressure in dysfunctional ways. And, it is not only the youngsters who face the pressure. Board parents (as a friend of mine calls herself) are also a stressed out lot – not knowing whether the pressure they are putting on their kids is enough, too little, or just too much! Youngsters often feel too stressed, too overworked, too confused, too depressed or just unable to cope. I believe there is an urgent need to put exams in perspective, and to give some coping mechanisms and an alternative viewpoint, not often aired. And this has nothing to do with how or how much you study. Break the wall Sometimes teenagers feel unable to communicate with parents, teachers or friends, because they don’t want to pass on their worries to them. Or perhaps they feel they will not be understood, or maybe they feel ‘wrong’ about what they are thinking or feeling. They build walls around themselves  based on their own inhibitions and beliefs. They are unable to let themselves be vulnerable and ask for help. They try to project themselves as people they are not and therein lies the stress. So the first step is to break down the walls you have built around yourself and let your ‘true’ self be known. Everyone has strengths, just as everyone has weaknesses. As you go along life’s journey you may discover many doors close in front of you. That is a part of life, no matter how disheartening and discouraging. But remember, for every door that closes another one opens. It is for you to discover and grab the ones that open. When my husband was graduating from engineering college, he realized that his poor eyesight would not allow him to get past the medical test for entrance to the IITs. So he had to opt for a place that did not have medical tests as a part of their entrance procedure. One door closed, another opened. Then he realized that his eyesight would not allow him to get past the medical tests for getting a government job. So my husband had to make do with a job in a private sector company in the software R&D department. A saviour’ He now heads one of the larger software companies in India. Instead of viewing his poor eyesight as a handicap, he regards it as a saviour – a saviour that saved him from the drudgery of a government job, to one that allowed him to blossom in the world of software. So the second step is to discover the doors that open, even in the most unexpected of ways. Don’t let failure frighten you. Talking from my own experience, I was always amongst the top two students in my class. I did science in my twelfth and yet I did not sit for any of the engineering or medical entrance exams. Nor did I sit for the MBA entrance exams. And the only explanation I can offer, as I think back on my life, is that I was so used to success, I did not have the guts to face failure. Better not to take the exams, than to fail and having to say that I did not get through! That is patently a losing proposition. So the third step is to not let failure frighten you. Failure is an event, not a person. You may fail in an exam but that does not mean you failed as a person. And this refers to all kinds of failures in life. When you view it as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, you are able to move on. Now, this may be contrary to what parents and teachers say – they probably say that failure is not an option. And, you must not view it as an option as that allows you to get complacent. But, you must learn to view it in the perspective of your life. In your life (with an average lifespan of 75 years), the one month of exams is a mere fraction of the 900 months that you will live; a mere 4 weeks of the 328,500 that you will go through. While going through a struggle, the struggle seems to be your whole life. Stepping away and viewing it from the distance, in the perspective of your whole life, somehow makes it seem less daunting and more manageable. That’s the fourth step. Final step I just have one final step. It is the job of our parents and teachers and other adults in our life to push us. All of us benefit from that push and many would not have achieved half of what they did, had it not been for their well-wishers pushing them (or nagging them, depending on how you look at it). Many successful people attribute their success to the constant push they got at home. However, if you feel the push is too much and counterproductive, it is your responsibility to break down the walls we talked about and let them know. It is your responsibility to define space for your self. Take responsibility for your actions and inactions. Define the person you are, and arrive at your own definition of success. And if you need help, don’t forget to ask, and receive. In conclusion, I would like to quote from an anonymous source, “Contrary to popular opinion, meaning is not discovered. It is not something lying around on life’s road waiting to be tripped over. One makes meaning” out of one’s life by connecting to a purpose larger than one self. In this case, however, the purpose of this article could very well be to prime myself up for when I am a board mom!