Decisions must be yours - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on December 31, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I come from a remote area and humble background, where I struggled to get a single meal after I lost my father and brother during my primary school. Later, life become very hard and I struggled a lot. With great difficulty, I have completed my graduation and post-graduation in regional languages (working and studying) and was struggling to speak in English.

I somehow came to Bangalore and joined a BPO and slowly learnt the language. However, I still face a problem while constructing sentences and speaking in English. I am not able to put in words easily while speaking and writing. I have been humiliated and frustrated. I lost promotions also due to my lack of good English. I have joined coaching centres, but they don’t seem to be working.

I thought of taking competitive exams, but due to hesitation in English (presenting, writing analytically and speaking without stopping). I am feeling frustrated and can’t achieve what I want to and push myself down day by day. 

My query is — is there any course where I can improve my English. I am ready to quit my job and pursue my dream. I request you to kindly provide complete details of any institution in India (address and contact number) where I can realize my long-cherished dream. 

Or can I join any English major degree which can help me to overcome my fear, struggle and fulfill my dreams? If yes, please let me know about the good colleges in India. I am anticipating your valuable guidance.
Ganapathy

Dear Ganapathy
I understand that you have hesitation in communicating in English and I applaud you for the courage it must have taken for you to send in this letter. Learning a new language and successfully communicating in it, has more to do with your confidence in yourself and your willingness to make mistakes and learn from them, than it has to do with joining the best course available.

I am not in a position to answer your question on best courses available, because that is not my area. However, I would like you to take inspiration from our current prime minister who could not speak English when he came to the position, and now  is giving speeches in English in different parts of the world. 

So don’t lose hope. Just practise, practise, practise. More than a class, find yourself some friends with whom you can speak and not be afraid of making a mistake. Ask them to correct you if you say something wrong. Let them know that English is not your strength area and that you want to practise the language. 

Ask them if they can help you. You won’t learn anything new unless you are ready to make mistakes in front of others. One learns from one’s mistakes. So be upfront about your hesitation, and your desire to improve, and seek help from everyone you can.

There is nothing more to it. But this route requires you to not only take some risks, but risks in front of others. So reach out and you will be surprised at how many people will be able to assist you in this journey.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
We feel our son, who is 10, has a very high IQ. We are not sure if it has to be checked at this age and for any purpose. He is quite good in studies, but we are just eager to guide him right. He gets easily distracted; he thinks too many things at the same time. His teachers find him difficult to handle because he gets diverted very easily, although they are very happy with regard to studies and his performance. Perhaps, we are not feeding him enough knowledge, information that can make him a thinker and better focussed.

He is also a voracious reader. Any book, riddles such as crossword, sudoku make him sit with concentration and rapt attention. He is also very good at drawing. We sent him to train under professional artists, but they couldn’t make him draw the usual way. 

He has his own choices and cannot sit patiently with the pencil and colouring, the common way. But when he puts his heart into anything particular, or his daily scribblings, they are excellent.
Our questions are:1. Is it too early for us to worry about his focus? 2. Do we have any special courses/scholarship for high IQ kids in India? 3. Is there any postal courses (not as a hobby) in drawing for kids like him in India?
SA

Dear SA
I cannot answer the specific questions you have raised at the end of your letter. However, it would be good to get your child evaluated by a psychologist for IQ, attention, focus etc. What that will do is it will tell you whether your son is within the norms of normalcy, or outside of it and needs special attention. Without this evaluation, you will not be able to give him the inputs that may be appropriate. So take the first step. Also be observant about his interactions with peers and his other behaviours and discuss these in your meeting with the psychologist.

Dear Madam,
I am 27 years old. I have completed computer science engineering in 2013. I was supposed to have graduated in 2010. Right now, I am in a dilemma. I don’t know which path to choose. I didn’t give many IT interviews because of my backlogs and low grades. I have chosen UPSC as my aim now, but my dad tells me to go abroad for MBA. He tells me I can’t clear UPSC. But I want to stay in India, as my mom is not well and she wants me to be in the civil services field and sometimes she is also worried about me. I am afraid about making the wrong career choice. I am an average guy, but I have some confidence that I can clear UPSC, but many demotivate me so that I don’t do work hard enough. I am scared. Please guide me.
A student
Dear Student
Please believe in yourself and do what your heart desires. Ultimately, there will always be many people giving you a lot of advice, based on their own assessment, their own value systems, and their own aspirations for themselves and for you. You could take all those inputs, but ultimately, the decision must be yours. It is helpful to remember that there is not only one right choice. 

You can make any choice you take work for you or not work for you. You can go abroad and do your MBA and make a great success of it, or you can waste that opportunity and make nothing of it. Or you can take the UPSC exam and make a success of it and a success of the opportunities that come up because of it, or you can waste it by not living a meaningful life. There is more than one path to success and happiness, because ultimately, success and happiness depend on how you define it for yourself, not on how others define it for yourself.

Don’t let other’s assessment of your capabilities colour your decision. If your heart lies in taking the UPSC exam, please take it and give it your best shot. If it doesn’t work out, there will be other paths that you can go down. You could do MBA then. Or you could do the MBA and then do the UPSC also. Like I said, there are many paths you can go down, and each path can be right for you. The important thing is to believe in yourself and make the choice that you feel fits best for you at this point of time.

Also, try and understand your fears. Answer the question – what is the worst thing that you are scared of happening? Often, when you name it, you will realise that ‘worst fear’ is not something you won’t be able to deal with. All the best.

Take it easy, kids! - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 9, 2012]

Dear Madam,
Please tell me how to study (I get tense while studying), improve my concentration and memory skills? I can’t spend more than 10 minutes studying as I get distracted with texting or reading books. I am a procrastinator. I face difficulty in spelling words. Is it too late to learn how to spell?
Student

Dear Student,
As I have said in this column many times before, you need to study for the sake of learning. You need to focus on putting in your best effort, and not on the result, because the effort is the only thing within your control. If you put in your best effort, then even if you don’t get the marks, at least the learning stays with you. The marks will depend on several other external factors on which you will not have any control. So focus on putting in your best effort and on the learning (which are the only things in this equation that you have direct control on).

You need to address your fear of the outcome that is making you tense. What are you worried about? When your mind is preoccupied with the tension, how can it concentrate on the learning. You need to voice your fears and worries (either to a trusted adult, or to a counsellor if you have access to one) so that you can either work through them, or throw them out. As for succumbing to distractions and putting things off, or taking things lightly — we only do that when we think we are doing something for somebody else and it is not really for our benefit. If we recognise that the effort in studying is purely for our benefit and our long-term gain then we don’t get distracted so easily, nor do we start doing other things — because we enjoy what we are doing, and we do it for ourselves (not to keep our parents happy).

I don’t think it is too late to learn anything, and I am sure if you focus on your spellings, you will be able to learn them. As a starter make sure that everything you write is correctly spelt. Don’t let the spell-check do the work on the computer — do it yourself. And avoid the SMS abbreviated forms, which I feel, tend to make people assume that those abbreviations are the actual acceptable way of spelling. Most of the questions I get in this column are in SMS abbreviate language when they come!

Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC student and I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the rest of my class as I spent three months in NCC camps. I am in the Science stream and I am interested in Psychology and Marine Biology but cannot choose between the two. I have been getting good marks in Zoology but scoring low in Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Botany. My exams are coming up and I am not able to concentrate, in class and at home. Help.
Vidyasri

Dear Vidyasri,
I am not in a position to help you in your subject choices. Maybe you should discuss that with a career counsellor. Your choice of subjects should ultimately depend on your career goals and aspirations. The subjects chosen should ideally be an aid to that choice.

It is creditable that you are keeping up with your extra-curricular activities, though it seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you. Don’t think of them as unnecessary activities which sap you of time. Instead think of yourself as being fortunate in being involved in them, because these give you life skills that no amount of classroom teaching will give. And ultimately success in the workplace and in life, depends not so much on your marks, but on your leadership and communication skills, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think creatively and think out of the box, your ability to solve a problem and a lot of other skills. Success today depends most on your self esteem. You will find a lot of material on this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/

Dear Madam,
I am a Second PUC student and I am finding it hard to focus on subjects due to ‘result anxiety’. Every time I start with a subject, I get excited thinking about the results but later lose interest in the subject. I was a bright student during school but the last two years have been disappointing, results wise. I haven’t done much. My parents have high hopes on me and are expecting me to crack IIT-JEE or AIEEE. I am under a lot of pressure and this is affecting my ability to concentrate.
Anxious Student

Dear Anxious Student,
I think you need to deal with your anxieties, because if you have so much anxiety you certainly will not be able to concentrate. I think you need to communicate your anxieties to your parents, and let them know how their pressure is not helping you. Please talk to an adult you can trust, or to a counsellor (if you have access to one) to get help on dealing with your anxiety. You need to be able to understand for yourself what your anxiety is due to. Anxiety is the result of a fear that we have of a potentially bad outcome. Understand what you are fearful of, and then gauge for yourself if those fears are rational or not.

Yes, your parents, may be having high hopes for you (as all parents do for their children) but your worth to them is, I am sure, not based only on your cracking the IIT-JEE or AIEEE exams. You can live up to their hopes of your success by doing well in any field that you choose. Like I have said many times before, success in life is not dependent only on your marks and exam results.

In fact later in life they have no significance. Success in life is dependent on, more than anything else, your self esteem. So focus on the learning, not the marks. Focus on finding your passion and excelling in it, not on clearing an exam for your parents’ sake. I am sure your parents want you to clear the IIT-JEE exam because that is the path they know to success and happiness. You can prove them wrong by finding another path to the same goal!

Focus on Learning : Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column - January 20, 2011

The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt January 20, 2011


Dear Ma’m,
I try and study hard, but forget easily. Most of the times, I end up losing marks because of my silly mistakes. My parents complain that I do not recheck my answers. How can I avoid silly mistakes?

Dear student,
Try focusing on learning and understanding what you are studying, rather than on cramming it. Forgetting something is a problem only when you are trying to mug it up. If you understand what you are learning, the chances of forgetting are much less, because you have understood the concept. If you understand something, the learning always stays with you, even if you don't get the marks.
Also, if you are over-anxious or stressed about your marks, the anxiety tends to weigh on your mind and you will not be able to concentrate while answering your papers. You will always worry if you will get the marks or not. This inability to concentrate on what you are doing may make you commit ‘silly mistakes’ . So, try changing your motivation to study — study hard to learn more, not to get more marks. It is a subtle difference, but an important one.

Dear Ma’m,
I depend too much on my friends' opinion about me. This, sometimes, affects my performance in class. How do I stop taking others’ opinion seriously?

Dear student,
You are not alone in giving undue importance to your friends’ opinions of you. It is a very common problem. We often let others’ opinion of us decide who we are, or how we should be. I am really happy that you have been able to identify this as a problem, because most people don’t have the maturity to even think that it is a problem.
You need to believe in yourself, and love yourself the way you are. You need to accept yourself for who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses. You need to give yourself positive self affirmations. If you visualise your relationship with your friends as a see-saw, the see-saw should be horizontal (which means the relationship should be one of equality and balance). If you do not feel good about yourself, you will always feel your friends (and their opinions) are more important than yours. Your side of the see-saw will tilt downwards. If your side is down, then your friends’ side of the see-saw will always be up. You will always think they are more important and powerful than you. The only way you can bring their side down, and equalise the relationship, is by kicking your side up. So, rebalance your see-saw and kick yourself up. Nobody’s opinion of you is more important, and more powerful, than your opinion about yourself. For more on this, visit www.deccan-herald.com/content/97262/how-balanced-your-seesaws.html

Dear Madam,
I am an average II PUC student. My problem is, I can read only for some time. Later, I doze off. Owing to this, my preparation for my exams gets ruined. When the exams are nearing, I will be tense and unable to study.

Dear student,
I want you to analyse your motivation to study. Are you studying for an exam, which can be an end in itself? Or, are the exams a means to a larger goal that you have. If you are working towards a larger goal, that you are self-motivated to achieve, you will enjoy the process of studying, because you will view it as a means of getting what you want; as part of the journey, rather than the destination itself. If you are studying just for an exam, then that can be quite boring and it would not be unusual for you to feel sleepy. Another question you need to answer for yourself is — are you studying for yourself, or for your parents? If you are doing it only for your parents, then again it can be quite a bore. The label you have given yourself, of an ‘average’ student, is in itself like a self-fulfilling prophecy which will undermine your desire to put in your best effort. Your thought process may be something like, “In any case, I am only average — what good is my studying hard going to do? ” Who has given you that label, and why have you accepted it?
I have raised some tough questions for you, which may not be easy to answer. But think about them.

Convert your fear into strength : Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column December 10, 2010

The following queries answered by me were published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement dt December 10, 2010

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Standard 10 and my Board exams are fast approaching. I try to read, but I can’t. I find it difficult to remember. Sometimes, even when I read well and remember well, I don't score well because I commit many silly mistakes. Sometimes I leave my answer sheet blank as I don’t remember anything out of exam fear. Before going to the examination hall, I prepare myself to be brave but the moment I get the question paper, I find myself overcome by fear. My parents are very supportive. I have even taken medicines to improve my memory. I have a migraine problem too. How should I study and prepare myself for my exams?

Dear Madam,

I am a student of Class Eleven. My IQ is above average, but I make simple errors in calculation and reading. Sometimes, while solving a mathematical problem, I miss out 1 or 2 steps, which throws me off completely. I tell myself to concentrate, but it never works. I often realise the errors made by me only after turning in the answer sheet. Please help.

Dear students,

I get a sense that you are over-anxious about your results, and therefore, are not able to perform well in your exams. You blank out and tend to forget things or make careless mistakes. This often happens, and you are not alone in being anxious about your exams. Remember, while you need to put in an honest effort in preparing for the exams, you should not be overly focussed on the marks. The only thing you can control is your effort and learning. It is important to keep this in mind, so that even if you don't get the marks (for whatever reason), atleast the learning is still with you. No one can take that away. The other thing is to be able to put exams in perspective. While you are going though your exams it seems like it is the most important thing that you will ever do in your life, and that your whole life will depend on it. When you step out of your current shoes and look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life. This is only one of them. You need to be able to put them in perspective. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them. Success in life depends on several other factors like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few.

An important question I want to ask you is, how do you interpret failure? You are bound to face failure at several stages in life. Everybody does. The important thing is to be able to differentiate the failure from you. Failure is an event and not a person. If you failed an exam, it does not mean that you are a failure. It just means that you failed at doing one exam. Making some of these changes in the way you think may help ease off the pressure and anxiety you are facing on account of your result. Don’t chase the result — chase the learning and relax. Good luck!

Dear Madam,

I am an 18-year-old girl. I was performing well in academics till Class 10. In the past 2 years, I got distracted, was mentally disturbed and ended up messing my Class 12. I am not able to regain my confidence which I had two years ago. I am and always have been a very pessimistic person by nature. When I went down drastically in Class 12, some of my friends tried to console me by saying it is destiny, it probably was meant to happen and stuff like that. Now, I get extremely scared of my future. I have started believing in horoscopes, etc.

What exactly is destiny? Should I believe in horoscopes? Do they come true? I know I am being extremely stupid, but I am actually very disturbed by these predictions. I really need your help as no one really seems to understand my problem.

Dear student,

We all need to remember that each one of us faces ups and downs in life. When we are on a downswing, we start questioning our capability and keep feeling like things will never get better. At times like this, in our search for answers, we start placing great importance on horoscopes and destiny. That helps us believe that nothing is in our control and we are powerless. The important thing is to know that you have enormous power and control on your life. You have to believe that you can do whatever you set your mind and heart to doing.

However, I do feel, that given whatever you have described, it may be difficult to bring about this shift in yourself on your own. I suggest you take the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult if you don’t have access to a counsellor, who can help you regain your confidence. Once you feel more confident about yourself, you can accelerate your life’s journey in a productive manner.