Be your own hero - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 10, 2016]

Dear Madam,
My daughter is currently studying in PUC (commerce) second year in Mount Carmel College. She has scored 90 per cent in SSLC and 91 per cent in PUC first year. She is interested in arts (dancing, singing, acting) but due to our pressure, she goes to college. Initially, she had decided to take up CA so as to avoid science but she’s now decided to wait for second year PUC results to zero in on a field. Could you please suggest a future course of action for her? 
N Manjunath

Dear Manjunath,
I am not a career counsellor, and as such, have very little to add in terms of what would be a good career choice for her. It is best you involve her in the decision, rather than some random stranger like myself. She knows her passion and interests best, and she is the one who has to live with the choice that she makes. So, it is only fair that she have a say in it. If your daughter is passionate and talented in the creative fields and is able to maintain good academic scores as well, then you really should not be worrying about her. The important thing for you at this stage, as a parent, is to maintain an open communication with her and be on the same side of the decision-making process as her, rather than on the opposite side.

It is best not to make it a us (i.e., parents) versus her situation, but rather create an environment in which you all participate in this decision-making process together to arrive at what you all collectively feel and think would be the best bet for her future success. There is not much to be gained in her getting ‘stuck’ in a field in which she has no interest, only due to ‘parental pressure’. I am sure you have your reasons for wanting her to pursue a particular field, and she will have her reasons to want to pursue other fields. The key lies in everyone being on the same side and understanding each other’s point of view and allowing for differences in perspective. There really is no replacement for genuine authentic communication. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I was raised to be very dependent on my parents. While some kids were already doing things like cooking or cleaning by themselves at age 12, my parents always did those things for me and my brother. It’s not a bad thing but I am almost 18 now and worried that I won’t be able to do much for myself or live on my own after high school. Kindly help.
An overly dependent child

Dear overly dependent child, 
It is really heart-warming to receive your letter. In this generation, I think there may be many children in your situation, who may not even recognise this as a problem. Given that the current generation of parents typically have only one or two children, there is a tendency to ‘over-parent’, ‘over-protect’ and ‘over-do’. However, the fact that you recognise it, and are aware of the negatives of this (even though there are also great advantages to be at the receiving end of such love and attention) leaves me with no doubt that you will live up to whatever is demanded of you when the situation and the need arises. And if you are concerned about not being able to do it later, maybe you should start doing it now. Start doing the things that you would like to be able to do for yourself, and don’t be ‘too dependent’ on your parents. 

Dependence is a two-way process between the one who creates the dependence and the one who accepts and receives it. So, do your bit to wean off the dependence and you will be surprised at how independent you can be. Go ahead, give it a shot! All the best.

Dear Madam,
Many people around me have been asking me about my career choice of lately. But I am struggling to zero in on a field. I am the kind of person who will enjoy anything as long as a good atmosphere with the right kind of people is guaranteed. I have always enjoyed and understood science, particularly chemistry and have recently become very interested in psychology. Initially, I thought I could combine the two and possibly study medicine and then psychiatry. However, I am unsure as to whether psychiatry is the right career for me and whether I would enjoy it in the future. I guess I would prefer to work in a lab rather than in a space that requires me to interact directly with  people, although the concept of being a teacher strangely appeals to me. Kindly help me out.
A confused student

Dear confused student,
You might want to begin with some aptitude testing to see what your natural inclinations are and what you enjoy. For this, you should probably take the help of a career counsellor. Also, spend some time understanding yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses, what you enjoy and what interests you, and what you are passionate about. You seem to be in an enviable situation where you have the option of having many choices in front of you, each of which could be an equally good option. 

Try talking to people you know (or someone you know knows), who are working in the various fields you are considering — ask them what it involves, what are good skill sets to have, what a typical day looks like, the growth prospects and the challenges of their field. And then make an informed decision. 

However, remember that there is no one ‘perfect’ answer to your question; there may be several equally good options. The important thing is to go down one path and give it your best shot knowing that you have the potential to make a success of whatever you set your mind and heart to. And if you do decide on a path and realise after some time, for whatever reason, that you made a sub-optimal choice, you can switch paths. It may entail a little hardship and loss of time and money, but it is possible. In the words of John Wooden, it is important to remember that no matter what, “Success is never final, and failure is never fatal, it’s courage that counts.” Wish you good luck!

Pursue your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column,  answered by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of March 5, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I passionate about music and aspire to make a career in it. But since my parents weren't supportive of this, I joined an engineering course. But my focus in engineering is getting diverted due to my music classes. Consequently, my results are suffering. I am under a lot of stress. Kindly help me out. Prateek M

Dear Prateek,
I think it is important for you to be able to pursue your passion, if you truly believe in it. But you must be able to convince yourself, and those around you, that is truly what you would like to do. Build out a plan on how you are going to pursue your music, and how you are going to build a sustainable livelihood based on it. In the process of this plan, you may realize that building a livelihood on music is not practical, in which case you must have a Plan B. Or you may realize that it is possible to have a steady source of income based on music, in which case you must share that plan with your parents to put their fears to rest. After all, your parents are concerned for your well-being and their anxieties and pressure stems from a genuine desire to ensure you have a secure future. 

If you can share a detailed plan with them on how music will let you do that, while at the same time allowing you to follow your passion, they will be more than happy. It is possible that at the present moment they see it only as a distraction from your studies and are therefore, concerned about where you are headed. So, to reduce your own stress, and allay the fears of your parents, you must flesh out the plan of a life based on music and see where it takes you. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am in the second year of my computer science engineering course. My communication skills are weak and I don’t have the confidence to talk to someone in English. Even during classes, I hesitate to clear my doubts because of this. How can I improve my communication skills? Ray

Dear Ray,
I understand that you are scared to ask any question in class because you are not confident about your English speaking skills. Ask yourself what is your worst fear around this? What is the worst thing that you think may happen if you were to ask something in class, and your English was less than perfect. Remember, no one is perfect and no one gets things right every time. The only way to learn is by making mistakes and learning from them. You did not learn to walk without ever falling down. But now that you have learnt to walk, aren't you thankful for the fact that you took the risk of falling while learning. In the same way, take the risk of making a mistake while speaking, because confidence only comes with knowledge and practice. And to aid you in the process, try speaking English whenever you are with people you are comfortable with (like your friends and family). Make speaking English your mantra – each time, every time. You could also join a class to help you get some confidence. Force yourself to read English newspapers, magazines and books. Listen to the English news and other programmes on television as well. But there is no short-cut to speaking. So take the risk and speak. After all what is the worst that can happen? Nothing more than a couple of inconsequential laughs which will soon be forgotten. 

Are you going to let the fear of some inconsequential person laughing at you for a moment, hold you back in life from achieving your potential? Think about it. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am 21 years old. I have a backlog in my final year B.Sc course (physics, mathematics and electronics), which I will clear this year, in June. My dad wants me to do B.Ed (a teachers’ training course), which I am not interested in. So, I have decided to work, earn some money and later pursue courses of my choice. But my dad isn't comfortable with me working night shifts or anywhere outside Bengaluru. So, what kind of a job should I look for? Chaithra N

Dear Chaithra,
I am not a career counsellor, nor do I run a placement service, so I will not be able to tell you what kind of job to apply for and how to go about it. Nor can I tell you how to continue your studies further. However, I do believe you should do what you heart tells you to, and what you are good at. Even though you may not think so, it is possible to communicate with parents and discuss your options, understand their point of view and explain your own. You are allowed to have a point of view, and express it, though sometimes as children we are told that we need to only follow what are parents say. 

So, my suggestion would be to understand why your parents want you to do what they want you to do. Then understand for yourself, why you do not want to do that, and why you think the path you are choosing is better. Then understand your strengths and weaknesses, as well as the opportunities and limitations ahead of you. In this self analysis, things will become clearer to you about what path will work. Try and take up a job that leverages on your strengths and is of interest to you. It is not about searching for a job. It is about building a career. A job is a short-term goal. A career will stay with you for life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I currently in my final semester of mechanical engineering. I am quite good at studies and have no backlogs and have an overall distinction CGPA. In about two months, I will graduate and I haven’t appeared for any campus interviews as most of them are for software companies and I wish to work in a core mechanical company. But my real passion lies in boxing. I have been boxing since I was 18-years-old. I don’t have any personal coach but I am pretty good at this sport and wish to make my mark as a boxer. But not many opportunities have come my way in this field. So, should I look for a mechanical engineering job or follow my passion? Are there any options where I could do both? Adithya Kashyap

Dear Adithya,
I am not someone who can guide you on opportunities that are available in boxing because I do not have any knowledge in that field. However, it is important that you be able to build for yourself a sustainable livelihood with whatever field you choose. If you can visualize that with boxing, by all means go for it. However, if you cannot, then it may be in your interest to pursue it as a hobby. Maybe you can ensure your linkages with the sport in a way that helps build the environment for it for coming generations. Maybe you can work with a company that will give you the opportunity to also build on your passion. Maybe you can become a coach yourself. 

You must visualize your life as a boxer and see what you like about it and dislike about it. Visualize your life as an engineer and do the same. Talk to people who are already in both the fields and see what they have to say about it. Identify your strengths and weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Define what success means to you and see if which career path will align you better with your definition of success. Career choices are personal and best made after some serious self-analysis and introspection. And take whatever help you need in this process. All the best.

Figure out what your "best" is - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of October 14, 2014]



Dear Madam
I am doing my postgraduation in Gulbarga University (Gulbarga). My problem is in studies. I forget easily What I study and my mind feels disturbed during exams. Please give me a solution.
Pavan Pralhad

Dear Pavan
Anxiety due to, and during exams, is common and many people experience it. Know that you are not alone. And a lot of that anxiety is due to the fear of the outcome. We feel scared of what will happen if we don’t get “good enough” marks, and that fear fills up our mind space with worry, instead of the material we need to be studying and remembering. I had written an article exactly on this issue some time back, and it can be found on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.htmlAnalyse what your fears and worries around exams are. Express them and maybe put them down on paper. Essentially find a way to store them in some place other than your brain so that your brain is freed up for what you are studying. Writing down your fears and worries on paper often helps to free yourself from them.

Also try and understand if your fears are rational and what really would happen if you don’t do that well. Remember, if one door closes, another one will open, but provided you allow it to. Also remember, that you need to study to learn, not to get good marks. So study from the end objective of understanding, not remembering. And if you understand something the chance of forgetting it is much lower.

Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam
I am studying in class 10 in a CBSE school. I am able to learn and understand all subjects except maths. I have been working very hard for maths for one year and yet I am not able to do it properly during exams. I easily forget theorems and concepts, but this doesn’t happen with other subjects. I am planning to take PCM in 11th standard. And I am afraid - how can I study PCM if I am not able to do maths properly? I am very interested in taking PCM. Please help me.
Sudeshna

Dear Sudeshna

Again, you are not alone in feeling intimidated by maths. Something about the subject seems to get people to either love it or be scared of it, not hate it! I think it has something to do with the fact that since it is a subject in which you can score 100% marks, people feel pressured by it. The important thing to remember is that you need to do your best and that need not necessarily mean getting 100%. “The best” means different things for different people – for some it may mean getting 100% and for others it may mean getting 75%. It is for you to define what your “best” is and then to strive to work towards your “best”, not the “best” as it defined by someone else. Maths is also a subject which has the potential to get most affected if you are stressed because you may end up making a careless mistake. In any other subject a careless mistake may mean just a wrong spelling or something small like that, but in maths it may mean you get the whole answer wrong!

Maths is all about effort and understanding, and not about mugging. You will find that as soon as you are able to put your fear of maths aside, and free up your mind space from worrying about it, you will be able to relax and actually enjoy the subject. So don’t worry about the result. If you make a mistake take some time to understand the mistake and learn from it. After all what is the worst that can happen if you make a mistake? It is just a mistake, not the end of the world, or the end of your career, or a killer of your ambition. Sometimes we are scared of things because we attribute more meaning and significance to them than they actually deserve.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Dear Madam
I am presently studying in 9th standard in a CBSE school. The reason I am writing this is because I am really confused about what I should pursue in the future. I am inclined towards architecture and law. Can you please tell the other courses related to architecture and law? I am unable to decide which course I should take. My parents are putting a little pressure on me, especially my father. Please help me in zeroing in on a course.
Nidhi Athreya

Dear Nidhi

For a 9th Standard student, I find you remarkably focused on your future career. I think you still have plenty of time to decide on what your future subjects should be because you don’t need to make your choice till the 10th is over. Unfortunately, I am not a career counsellor and so I am not in a position to guide you on what subjects you should choose for your career choices. However, I do feel that if you stick with the maths and the sciences all your career options remain open for different career choices. Also for architecture, you must have a flair for drawing and a creative bent of mind to really excel in the field.

You need to be able to answer for yourself as to why you have shortlisted architecture and law? The route to both may be different in some ways but understanding the reasons for your choice will help you in your decision-making. Is it because those are the popular careers amongst other members of your families? Do you know someone in those professions? Have you been intrinsically interested in them or are you merely following what your parents are wanting you to do? Have you done anything outside of your regular school work which has told you that those professions are of interest to you? It may be helpful for you to try and intern with a lawyer and an architect over your vacations to get a real feel for what the work entails.

Take your time to decide. You still have time on your side so don’t limit your options right away. The fact that you are thinking about it is creditable so now make the best use of the time you have to explore these options while still giving yourself the chance to make other choices as well. All the best.

Don’t aspire to control - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 8, 2012]

Dear Madam
I have a daughter who is doing her BCA, and a son who is in Class 7.  My son was only five months old when I lost my husband. I have a problem with my son. He has been losing interest in studies for the past three years. He keeps finding excuses when I ask him to read his lessons. He only writes notes and passes his time. Many times, he does not do his homework.  He has failed in most of the subjects in his last test due to this. I send him for tuitions. But he is only interested in singing and passing his time joking and playing outdoor games or on the computer. I also have a problem with his behaviour as he does not answer people properly and clearly. He doesn’t listen to any of my instructions, or those of my family. I stay in a joint family, with my in-laws. He doesn’t seem to mind that he has failed.  Even when I take him to task I find no change in him. I am unable to control him, hence I request your suggestions.
Vijaya

Dear Vijaya
You say you are unable to control your son, and my feeling is that that may be where your difficulty originates from. You don’t need to ‘control’ your son. You need to guide him and motivate him to achieve his potential. Your son is not like a forest fire that needs to be controlled and contained. He is a lamp that needs to be lit, and the oil needs to be poured in every time the light is fading out. Or, he is a fire that needs to be ignited and stoked to keep it lit.

It must be hard on you to be a single parent with two children, and I can understand that this may be having its own set of challenges and pressures. Living with your in-laws, while it may have its advantages, may also be pressurizing you to ‘perform’ as a ‘good mother’. Your anxiety about this, and what others will say about you, and your parenting, if your son does not perform well, may be something that is driving you to somehow control your son. I am just suggesting these as possibilities and if you don’t agree with my observations, please feel free to disregard them. However, if you feel that, at a subconscious level, that is what may be happening, then it is important that you become aware of these dynamics so that you can manage them. Get help from a counsellor or a trusted friend, if this is the case, because you need to deal with your anxiety. Only then, will you be able to appreciate your children’s strengths and not view them as problems. I would like to remind you of an oft-repeated piece by Kahlil Gibran:

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."

Having said that, it is possible that your son currently does not feel that studying is his responsibility, because he may be seeing it as something you want him to do, with no benefit for him. Also, he may have different aspirations from the ones you have for him. And, he is at the adolescent age where he will be trying to carve out his own identity. 

During this stage of life, it is natural for him to withdraw from adults, identify more with his peers, be defiant, and answer and do as he pleases. I think if you recognize these changes, and understand that they are a normal part of growing up, then they will be less threatening to you. That is not to say that you don’t need to define limits and set rules. You need to do all that, but the techniques that would have worked with him as a child, will not work with him now.

Communication, nonjudgmental acceptance and understanding are really the key to reaching him. Hope this helps.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in 1st PUC. I have taken up Science, PCMB. I took Biology because I used to score well in it till my 10th, but now I find it difficult. I want to become a doctor but I highly doubt if I can achieve my goal. I am not very interested or dedicated towards studies. I am always in search of something new and enjoyable; I would prefer such an occupation. I would like to be a journalist. I want to take up singing and many other activities. But, I do not know what I have to stick on to. I still have hopes that I can get into Medicine but my parents don’t. They think it’s high time I think about something else.

I feel depressed right now, and I feel that I won’t be able to achieve anything. I will be highly obliged if you refer any good career counsellor for me. Can you also tell me what I should do about my career?

Anna

Dear Anna
The best career for anyone is one in which you have a genuine interest and which plays to your strengths. I want to think about your reasons for wanting to become a doctor.

From whatever you have told me in your email, you do not like Biology, and you are not really interested and dedicated to studying. I don’t want to discourage you, but if you don’t like Biology, then it will be torturous for you to study Medicine for 8 to 10 years, maybe more. Besides, Medicine will require studying and dedication and long hours of pouring over your books. So, while you feel discouraged that your parents feel you can’t do it, they may be recognizing your interests and trying to steer you towards something that you may enjoy more. You may end up thanking them for their foresight in the future. 

At least they are not pressurizing you to do something that you feel you are not good at, or interested in. It will be a good idea for you to consult a career counsellor to help you settle this dilemma, but since I don’t know where you are located, I will not be able to recommend anyone.

Have a Goal - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on December 29, 2011]

Dear Madam,

Until Class 10, I performed well academically (80 per cent aggregate). But when I graduated to PUC, my performance began to go down.It took me three years to complete my PUC II and I only managed to secure a 46.3 per cent overall and 47 per cent overall in Physics, Chemistry and Math. My parents, who believed in my capabilities, decided to give me another chance and got me a COMED-K seat in an engineering college. Again, I failed to make it to the second year because I had seven arrears. I know that I am capable of scoring 75-80 per cent in Engineering. I prepared my own notes but I could not deliver.

I set a time-table to study for 10-12 hours a day. The first day, I manage to get three to four hours. The next day, I take a break. I then begin to make a fresh time-table. I have wasted three years. I want to overcome these hurdles. I am 21 years old. I don’t have friends. I have two younger sisters. And I wish to set an example for them. Please help.

Sanjay S H

Dear Sanjay,

I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, or someone else you trust, to figure out for yourself what is blocking you in achieving your potential. You maybe distracted due to something, or someone, and this is holding you back from putting in your best effort. Or, you maybe depressed and unable to focus on what you need to do.

You may also need help in formulating a goal for yourself which will motivate you to not be idle. It is possible that you don’t have a goal or a dream that you are working towards. You seem to be fortunate to have a family that is supporting you and therefore, are not pressured on that front, however, sometimes pressure spurs us on. My advice to you would be to go look for your goal, and then go about achieving it.

Dear Madam,

I am currently in PUC II (Science). I have taken up Biology as an optional paper. I quite enjoy this subject along with Physics. What throws me off are the applications. This is scary as I am aware that the CET papers test one’s application skills. My class scores are quite good, but my reasoning ability is average and I lag behind in solving CET sample papers.

I am also confused about my next step. I don’t know whether to opt for engineering, medicine or any career-oriented course. If I want to pursue engineering, I need a solid ranking to get a seat in one of the best colleges. But since my skills in tackling the problems are average, I have little hope that my ranking will be high. Please help.

Disha

Dear Disha,

I think you should follow your passion. If your passion lies in studying Biology, then you should go right ahead and explore all possibilities which will help you leverage that passion. I am sure you have the ability to apply yourself even in your Physics problems, though you may need more practise to get a grip on the technique. However, often passion is what makes the difference between our success and failure in a particular field. So, if you are passionate about Biology, you should pursue it. I get a sense that you feel that is not a good enough option and you feel pressured to pursue Physics or Engineering. Just follow your heart. All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a Class 10 student (State syllabus). I am confused about what career path to choose. I am doing quite well in school. Math is the only tough subject. I like Biology and do well in it.

My parents feel that I should pursue Aerospace Engineering as it has more scope and is quite different from the rest. But I think it will be very hard for me. I have always dreamt of becoming a paediatrician some day. What should I do?

Sushmitha

Dear Sushmitha,

If you dream of becoming a pediatrician, and you find Biology as a subject you can handle comfortably, then why are you doubting yourself? You are in a much better situation than many of your peers. Most of them have no dreams that they are chasing, and most of them have no clear-cut areas of interest.

If you have both, I am not sure what the self-doubt is about. You may want to understand from your parents why they are keen on Aerospace Engineering, and you should be able to convince them on why you would rather be a pediatrician. I am sure that if you are able to communicate your passion and dream to them, they will support you. They probably feel you don’t know what you want to do and, therefore, are trying to guide you.
All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a PUC I student (State syllabus) with a PCMB combination. I have just finished the mid-terms and I am not satisfied with my performance. My overall percentage in Class 10 is 75. I have always been a class topper and I don’t know how my grades have dropped. I want to be able to ace these tests. Please tell me how to improve my concentration while studying. How many hours should I spend studying, in a day?

Chaithra

Dear Chaithra,

Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study.

Remember, putting in your best effort is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. If you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.

Good luck.

Put exams in perspective - Ask our Counsellor - April 13, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald on April 13, 2011]

Dear Madam,

I am a PU II student. I was good in studies. But, now I think I am disturbed. I am wasting my time thinking about a girl. I want to concentrate on studies, but when I open my book, automatically my mind begins to think about her. I have large goals in my life.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am not sure whether you mean disturbed or distracted. The two emotions are very different.

If you are distracted, then you must consciously try to retain your focus on what you are meant to do — i.e. study. Remember, now is the time to work towards your goals. If, as you say, you have big goals, then probably you have a lot of work to do. If you are able to achieve your goals everything else will fall into place later.

If you miss out on your career goals, nothing may fall into place later. Unfortunately, there is a sequence of events in life, and sometimes doing things in the wrong order may spoil the eventual outcome. If your goals are too big, and that is what is overwhelming you and allowing you to be distracted, then break them up into smaller, more manageable ones.

If on the other hand, you are disturbed, then I suggest you talk to someone you trust, or a counsellor, to identify why you are feeling the way you are.

Dear Madam

I am a student of Class 8. I feel tense when exams near. Please help.

Ashwathi

Dear Ashwathi

There is an urgent need for us to be able to put exams in perspective because many of us often feel too pressured, stressed, overworked, confused, depressed or just unable to cope, before an exam. And, this has nothing to do with how, or how much, they study.

I feel the anxiety stems primarily from a fear of failure. It would be worth your while to take some time and think about what you are scared of? What is your worst fear about the exams? It is often helpful to write out these fears and express them.

The worst that can happen in an exam is that you may fail in that exam. But, even if you fail in an exam, that does not mean you have failed as a person. When you view a failure as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, and your whole being, you are able to move on. The important thing from any failure is to learn from it.

This may be contrary to what parents and teachers say – they probably say that failure is not an option. And, you must not view it as an option that allows you to get complacent. But, you must learn to view it in the perspective of your life. While going through a struggle, that struggle seems to be your whole life. You can read more about this at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html and http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html

Dear Madam,

I am a CA aspirant. When in school, I fell in love / had a crush (confused) with a class mate. I proposed to her. However, she said she liked me but not enough to marry me.

We chat through SMS’. I call her sometimes. Sometimes I feel I have a big ego as I get angry whenever she ignores me or when she doesn’t reply to my SMS’. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. I am from a poor family and want to be a CA and keep my parents happy. I don’t want to lose her also. Please help.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are confused, and don’t know whether to focus on your career or your relationship. As I have said in some of my earlier columns, if you choose to focus on your relationships at this stage, you may not get another chance to focus on your career.

And your career choices may also come down if you miss the boat. On the other hand, if you focus on your career now, you will have plenty of time to focus on your relationships later. Also, if you settle down well into your career, you may have many more relationship choices later. I want to also guard you against wanting to do CA to ‘keep my parents happy’.

You will spend the next 25-30 years of your life focussing on your career, so you need to have the right reasons to choose it. Yes, if you do well (financially) your parents will be happy, but that has to be a secondary fallout of your career success, not the primary cause for it. The primary cause has to be your desire to achieve something (whatever that is).

As far as your relationship is concerned, from what you described, it seems like very one-sided — you want it desperately, and she is neutral about it. For a long-term relationship to be successful it needs to be a relationship of equals, where both parties are as eager to enter into it.

I read this quote somewhere which I think is very applicable here — don’t make someone a priority in your life, if you are merely an option in theirs. If you are not comfortable talking to her, and prefer to communicate through SMS; if you don’t know what you want out of the relationship; if you don’t know whether this is love or infatuation; if you cannot express your feelings to her and hope to be understood, then it is probably better for you to treat this experience as a learning opportunity so that you have a better understanding of long-term relationships when you are ready to enter into one.

And, till then, focus on your CA and many relationship options will present themselves later.