Nobody is perfect - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on April 26, 2012]

Dear Madam, 
    
I am a BA final-year student. My aim is to become an English teacher. I come from a poor family. And I have never been able to score more than 80 per cent. Exams make me nervous and I lose confidence.

I am confused about my future as I don’t know whether to pursue a Master’s in Arts or a B.Ed degree. My questions are:

-How can I gain courage and confidence?
-What is good for me, MA or B.Ed?
-How can I leverage my  growth opportunities in teaching?

Sanjeev M A 

Dear Sanjeev,
Your questions about getting more opportunities to grow in teaching are probably better answered by those who are currently in the field of education, or career counsellors. As far as doing an M.A or a B.Ed, again I am not the best person to answer this, but my guess is that if you really want to grow as a teacher, you would eventually need to do both. And if you want to teach at the college level, you may even benefit by doing a Ph.D. What I am going to address in this column is the lack of confidence that you are faced with.

Confidence is a function of your ability to feel strong about yourself. You can do this by recognising your strengths and weaknesses; by gaining strength from your strengths and accepting your weaknesses so that you can overcome them or live with them, whichever you choose to do. We lack confidence when we believe that we should be a ‘perfect’ person that we are not, and that everyone else is. When we recognise our strengths and accept our weaknesses, we feel more capable and confident about facing the world. We need to realise that no one is perfect, not even the person we idolise. And, just like no one is perfect, neither are we. So we are not worse off than anyone else.

Only when we are able to accept ourselves, are we able to feel confident about facing the world. So
do some introspection and identify your strengths. If your mind is pre-occupied with the fact that you don’t get the marks, you will never be able to truly concentrate on what you are trying to do. All the best.

Exams causing worry? - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Education supplement of the Deccan Herald of April 5, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am a Second PUC student studying in Belgaum. I have always dreamt of studying in a top, national-level engineering college in India, especially NIT-K. The entrance exam is in April but I am still left with loads of syllabus to cover due to a busy schedule of continuous exams in school. I am confused about whether to prepare only for the national-level entrance test or for the State Board exams and CET. I am aware that both sets of scores are equally important and play an important role in deciding my future in a top-ranked college. Please suggest ways in which I can multi-task and handle the pressure of both exams in the little time that is left. I lack confidence as I am nervous about the little time that is left. Help.

Akshay

Dear Akshay,

I can understand your confusion about what you should focus on, because you seem to be treating the two as different goals. What you are focusing on is not your ultimate goal. It is a stepping stone towards a larger goal — that of being a successful engineer. That larger goal can be attained by either of the routes that you are focussing on, so focus on the learning — not on cramming the syllabus of each exam. The learning will stay with you, and will help you in either situation, whichever exam you give.

Most importantly, believe in yourself and your abilities. These exams are not defining moments, but mere stepping stones. Success in these exams does not guarantee success in life, just like failure in these exams does not imply failure in life. Learn to put everything in perspective, even though it may seem like nothing else in life matters more that what you are doing at that moment.

Sometimes if we magnify the importance of a task in our mind, we end up being overwhelmed by it and feel incompetent to achieve it. Believe in yourself and your abilities more that anything else. Good luck!

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Class 8 and I cannot retain what I learn every day in school. I don’t have a strong concentration power which, in turn, leads to poor scores in exams. I confuse the simple things and get the answers wrong. I make the silliest of mistakes while studying Math and Science. I am unable to arrive at the answers without help from a teacher or classmate. When I do homework, I forget what the teacher has taught.
Please help me.

Jyothi Patil

Dear Jyothi,

I am glad you took the time to write, and that you are aware of your problems at your age. Are you too stressed about the outcome of your tests, or your homework? Or, are you too distracted by other things going on around you at home, or in school, to be able to focus? Sometimes when we are overly anxious about doing well in an exam, or doing well in some task, the anxiety controls our mind and does not let our mind function at full capacity. This hampers performance. The trick is to learn to handle that anxiety, and the only way you can begin doing that is by first understanding for yourself what you are anxious about, and then talking about it to someone you trust who will help you deal with it. Think about it. If your mind is engaged in an internal conversation within itself about that anxiety, how will you be able to get the mind to focus on something else. So try to stop that internal conversation by:

- First, listening to it, and
- Second, by controlling it, rather than letting it control you.

Face up to the Boards - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on Mar 15, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I’m so addicted to the Internet that I’m not able to concentrate on my studies. I aim to become an IAS officer. But my lack of concentration is giving me a hard time. Please help me. What should I do to focus on studies? I just tend to procrastinate my work. I’m worried about my performance at the Boards.
SPH

Dear SPH,
By the time this letter gets published, you are probably right in the thick of your Board exams. Fortunately the problem that you raise ‘lack of concentration’ is one that is completely within your control. It is not an external problem or situation that you cannot control, even though you make it sound like it is something that is just happening without your participation in the process. If you are bored then please do some introspection and figure out for yourself why you are bored. Are you just focussing on learning everything by rote, in which case even the most interesting subject can become boring?

Are you feeing too stressed and pressured by the outcome (i.e. the results) that you are not really focussing on learning anything? Have you been trying to spend every waking minute studying, without any time for rest, relaxation and recreation, in which case you are probably tired and burnt out by now and unable to focus anymore? Remember to be able to concentrate while you are studying, you must get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, and relax. Make sure your worries are not what are clouding your mind and not allowing you to focus. If that is the case, then please share your worries with someone you can trust. Let them hold your worries for you, while you clear your mind and focus on your task on hand.

Dear Madam.
I am third-year, B.Sc (agriculture) studying in UAS, Raichur. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. My percentage is good but I have three arrears to clear. I am constantly distracted by friends and chit-chat. They tease me which makes me angry, but I control myself. I practise a bit of yoga too. I want to pursue an MSc in Entomology.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
I am not in any position to recommend books to you, nor can I comment on your choice of subject for post-graduation. However, I can help you with the pressure and stress that the teasing by your friends is causing you. I understand that it is making you feel angry, and you feel you need to control that anger. It is important to recognise and accept that you are feeling angry, and that it is okay to feel angry. However, what you do with that anger is important. Do you allow it to disturb your concentration because it is eating you up from within, or do you allow it to goad you to speak your mind, and let your friends know how you feel, so that they feel pressured to change their behaviour. Sometimes, we feel angry, and are not sure of ourselves, and therefore fear that if we speak up we will lose our friends; if we show our true feelings, we will appear to be weak. On the contrary, having the courage to speak up and let people know how you feel is a sign of great strength. Believe in yourself, and your worth, and don’t let the fear of losing your friends hold you back. Let them know how their behaviour makes you feel. If nothing else, their response, will provide you with a test to benchmark their friendship.
Meanwhile doing yoga and deep breathing are good stress-busters and will help you calm down.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student, studying under ICSE Board. I have scored averagely in my unit tests, but I have failed three subjects in the preps because of lack of concentration. I know I can do better, but it’s somehow not happening. I am not at all confident about passing the Boards, which will start soon. I want to concentrate on my studies and nothing else till my Boards get over. I come from a family of rank holders. I am worried about embarrassing my family members and relatives. How many hours should I study every day? How can I devise a strong daily time-table that will help me study more in less time?
Freda

Dear Freda,
By the time this response gets published, you will be in the midst of your Board exams. All I can say is that fear can be a really negative emotion which holds you back from performing to your true potential. Don’t let fear bring you down. When you are really scared of something, try and analyse what it is that you are really scared about. You mentioned that everyone in your family is a rank holder and that if you don’t do well it will be a big embarrassment.

Please don’t let external pressures like this be your motivators. If at all you want to do well, it should be because that is something that you desire, not because it is something for the benefit of everyone around you. Remember, that you are unique and special in your own way. Know your own strengths and weaknesses. If academics is not your strength, it does not mean that you are not worthy and capable in other aspects of your life, or that you are of less value to those around you.

In any case academic achievements are not a guarantee of success in life — only of success in exams. Even if you don’t do as well as you, and others, would like, you still have the rest of your life to be successful in ways that you want. Exams are merely a stepping-stone, or a door-opener. So, for whatever is left of your exams, good luck and learn to relax.

Making a Difference

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald on March 1, 2011]

 Unbiased support
What role does a counsellor play in the life of a student? A significant one, says Maullika Sharma
Skeptics have often asked me what role I play as a school counsellor. What difference do I make? Do children even know when they need help? I have often pondered over these questions myself. And the answer I come up with is always a ‘yes’. Yes, I play a significant role. Yes, I make a difference. And, yes, surprising as it may seem, children always know when things just don’t feel right. The role of a school counsellor is manifold, and I am going to spend sometime exploring each aspect of it as I see it.

Firstly, and most importantly, the counsellor must provide the proverbial “safe space” for the students. By “safe” I mean one where they experience unconditional positive regard and non judgmental acceptance of the person that they are; where their confidentiality is sacrosanct; where all the threatening and terrifying forces of school, and the world at large, can’t get to them.

This is the most obvious role so I am not going to spend much time dwelling on it. However, besides being a safe space for the students, the counsellor’s room must also be a safe space for the adults — the teachers and the parents. The teachers, like the rest of us, maybe struggling with life’s challenges as well. In giving them access to this safe space, the chances that they will carry the impact of their life’s struggles into their classrooms gets reduced. It is important to help teachers deal with their emotional baggage so that they can be more emotionally available to their students.

Often the people most in need of this safe space are the parents who are trying to juggle issues of work, livelihood, relationships, responsibilities and parenting, all at the same time. Giving them the opportunity to get help, without the social stigma and inertia of seeking out a counsellor, can give them a whole different perspective on life — theirs and their child’s. I honestly believe, the younger the child, the greater the need to work with the parents.

The second role the counsellor plays in a school is to put the emotional and mental health of the students on the school agenda. This involves training teachers on the emotional impact of their words and deeds, as well as increasing their awareness on issues that positively or negatively affect a child’s self esteem and mental health and well-being. It involves helping them air and challenge their irrational beliefs about the world around them, their role and the role of children, among a host of other beliefs. Many children come from troubled emotional backgrounds and family systems, and school often provides them a second chance to experience normalcy.

Teachers need to understand the impact of their words and deeds on the lives that they are helping shape.

The counsellor also needs to play a similar role with parents, be it by conducting training sessions, or regular communications, or by family therapy sessions.

The third role is to help parents navigate the confusing landscape of mental health and illness that they may find themselves in; while at the same time making sure that the school systems are accepting of special support that may be needed by the child. Parents are often confused when they are unable to understand a child’s behaviour and if abnormal behaviour persists they don’t know where to go and whom to turn to. Also, if they are faced with diagnosis of mental illness for their child, they don’t understand the implications and often don’t know how to react or respond to best support their child. They are overwhelmed with their own anxieties and pressures, that they are unable to be available for their child when their child needs them most.

They are unable to accept the diagnosis and often go into denial about the child needing any extra support. Yet, acceptance is the only way forward. Acknowledging that it is neither their’s, nor their child’s fault is the only path forward and a counsellor can play a significant role in helping parents getting to this point of acceptance.

Finally, the last role as I see it, is that of an ombudsman for the parents in the school — not for administrative and routine issues, but for issues that have an emotional impact on the child. Parents often have no one to turn to for this — if there is a problem with a teacher they generally keep quiet because they don’t want the child to be further targeted in the school. Being assured of confidentiality with the counsellor helps them air their grievances. This gives them a feeling of being empowered as they are able to highlight the issue without fear of the child being harmed. It also offers them a different perspective on the concern that they have, while the counsellor simultaneously looks at the systemic problem areas along with the school authorities.

The goal of everyone — the parents, the teachers, the school administration — is the same, i.e. the well-being of the students in their care. However, in an attempt to perform their role better, each party inadvertently assumes the other one is wrong. A counsellor can help all parties remember that they are all in this together hoping to achieve the same end result. A counsellor can make the relationship more cooperative rather than confrontational.

Work can do wonders - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Feb 23, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am a second-year, B.Com student and I come from an agricultural family. I have studied in Kannada medium till Class 10. My ambition is to become a chartered accountant. But I also have familial responsibilities to handle before that. I have scored 76%, 81% and 72% respectively in three semesters, but 90% is my target. I am a hard worker and dedicated but still I cannot reach my target. Am I overconfident of my skills? I have the following questions:

*I studied in Kannada medium. Is that getting in the way?
*Why am I securing marks between the above percentages only? What steps can I take to reach my target?
*How can I avoid being overconfident?
*My father suggests I take up a job after completing B.Com and pursue an MBA through correspondence. Is that possible?
Swapna G

Dear Swapna
I feel that you may have clarity on this matter by meeting a career counsellor. However, here is what I feel about the questions you have raised. You say your ambition is to complete CA. Let me caution you — while you may like to complete your CA exam, your ambition should not be to complete the exam, but to become a successful chartered accountant. The exam is not a goal in itself and does not guarantee success. The exam is merely a necessary stepping stone to your becoming a professional in that area. I am sure if you put in your best effort, you will be able to achieve whatever it is you want. Remember that marks are only stepping stones, and not goals in themselves. They are also not guarantors of success in life, which depends on many other things, the least important of which are marks.

I am not sure how you have arrived at the conclusion that you are overconfident. Are you not putting in your best effort? If that is the case, then it is creditable that you have that self-realisation. The only way around that is to put in 100% of your effort. Focus on the effort, not the marks, because the only thing you can control is your effort, not the marks. Nothing is a problem, if you are aware of it and willing to work at overcoming it. English is the language of the business world in most of India, and a good working knowledge of English will definitely help you. But the problem can be easily overcome by focusing on it and taking English language classes.

I am not sure if M.Com really adds any value, unless you are going in for further higher education and academics. For a job in the corporate world an MBA would be more beneficial. However, I do feel that doing an MBA after working for a couple of years is more advantageous. So even if your family needs are pushing you towards a job now, you could always do an MBA a couple of years later when things have settled down.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 (ICSE) student with a Science, Math and Computer combination. I performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue to perform like this, I won’t be doing very well in the pre-boards and Boards. I constantly forget theories and keep mixing them up. I don’t know why I can’t focus on my studies. I am distracted by the computer, mobile, etc.

While studying, I keep confusing one theory for another, especially in subjects such as Physics and Chemistry. I am afraid to share these concerns with my teachers. My parents don’t understand the issues. I have tried following time tables but that has not helped either. I need some help in focusing. Please help.
Student

Dear Student,
You seem to be really tense about your exams, and it seems that your anxiety about the future is not letting you focus on what you need to do in the present. I have talked about this often in this column before and I want to point you to a couple of my articles which address this issue. Please read them if you get a chance. It’s not the end of the road at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
and Why exams are nothing to worry about” at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html

It is very important for you to feel relaxed in order to be able to concentrate. Try some yoga and deep breathing to help you calm down. Let technology be a tool that helps you, not one that makes you a slave to it. The reason you get easily distracted is because you are tense, and the distractions become an easy “escape mechanism”. You say that you are shy to discuss these concerns with your teachers. We are generally shy when we think we are not good enough and therefore, feel the need to hide. Remember that you are not alone in having these anxieties and fears about exams, and your teachers probably have many students come up to them with the same fears. To have fear is normal. It does not make you any less worthy or capable.

Don’t let the fear overpower you. Talking about it makes it somehow seem manageable. So talk about it, not only to your teachers, but also to your parents. I am not sure I understand why you feel your parents are unapproachable. Sometimes, we build barriers in communication in our mind and they are not based on any reality. Try talking to your parents. They may surprise you by understanding.
All the best.

Take it easy, kids! - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 9, 2012]

Dear Madam,
Please tell me how to study (I get tense while studying), improve my concentration and memory skills? I can’t spend more than 10 minutes studying as I get distracted with texting or reading books. I am a procrastinator. I face difficulty in spelling words. Is it too late to learn how to spell?
Student

Dear Student,
As I have said in this column many times before, you need to study for the sake of learning. You need to focus on putting in your best effort, and not on the result, because the effort is the only thing within your control. If you put in your best effort, then even if you don’t get the marks, at least the learning stays with you. The marks will depend on several other external factors on which you will not have any control. So focus on putting in your best effort and on the learning (which are the only things in this equation that you have direct control on).

You need to address your fear of the outcome that is making you tense. What are you worried about? When your mind is preoccupied with the tension, how can it concentrate on the learning. You need to voice your fears and worries (either to a trusted adult, or to a counsellor if you have access to one) so that you can either work through them, or throw them out. As for succumbing to distractions and putting things off, or taking things lightly — we only do that when we think we are doing something for somebody else and it is not really for our benefit. If we recognise that the effort in studying is purely for our benefit and our long-term gain then we don’t get distracted so easily, nor do we start doing other things — because we enjoy what we are doing, and we do it for ourselves (not to keep our parents happy).

I don’t think it is too late to learn anything, and I am sure if you focus on your spellings, you will be able to learn them. As a starter make sure that everything you write is correctly spelt. Don’t let the spell-check do the work on the computer — do it yourself. And avoid the SMS abbreviated forms, which I feel, tend to make people assume that those abbreviations are the actual acceptable way of spelling. Most of the questions I get in this column are in SMS abbreviate language when they come!

Dear Madam,
I am a First PUC student and I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the rest of my class as I spent three months in NCC camps. I am in the Science stream and I am interested in Psychology and Marine Biology but cannot choose between the two. I have been getting good marks in Zoology but scoring low in Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Botany. My exams are coming up and I am not able to concentrate, in class and at home. Help.
Vidyasri

Dear Vidyasri,
I am not in a position to help you in your subject choices. Maybe you should discuss that with a career counsellor. Your choice of subjects should ultimately depend on your career goals and aspirations. The subjects chosen should ideally be an aid to that choice.

It is creditable that you are keeping up with your extra-curricular activities, though it seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you. Don’t think of them as unnecessary activities which sap you of time. Instead think of yourself as being fortunate in being involved in them, because these give you life skills that no amount of classroom teaching will give. And ultimately success in the workplace and in life, depends not so much on your marks, but on your leadership and communication skills, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think creatively and think out of the box, your ability to solve a problem and a lot of other skills. Success today depends most on your self esteem. You will find a lot of material on this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/

Dear Madam,
I am a Second PUC student and I am finding it hard to focus on subjects due to ‘result anxiety’. Every time I start with a subject, I get excited thinking about the results but later lose interest in the subject. I was a bright student during school but the last two years have been disappointing, results wise. I haven’t done much. My parents have high hopes on me and are expecting me to crack IIT-JEE or AIEEE. I am under a lot of pressure and this is affecting my ability to concentrate.
Anxious Student

Dear Anxious Student,
I think you need to deal with your anxieties, because if you have so much anxiety you certainly will not be able to concentrate. I think you need to communicate your anxieties to your parents, and let them know how their pressure is not helping you. Please talk to an adult you can trust, or to a counsellor (if you have access to one) to get help on dealing with your anxiety. You need to be able to understand for yourself what your anxiety is due to. Anxiety is the result of a fear that we have of a potentially bad outcome. Understand what you are fearful of, and then gauge for yourself if those fears are rational or not.

Yes, your parents, may be having high hopes for you (as all parents do for their children) but your worth to them is, I am sure, not based only on your cracking the IIT-JEE or AIEEE exams. You can live up to their hopes of your success by doing well in any field that you choose. Like I have said many times before, success in life is not dependent only on your marks and exam results.

In fact later in life they have no significance. Success in life is dependent on, more than anything else, your self esteem. So focus on the learning, not the marks. Focus on finding your passion and excelling in it, not on clearing an exam for your parents’ sake. I am sure your parents want you to clear the IIT-JEE exam because that is the path they know to success and happiness. You can prove them wrong by finding another path to the same goal!