Naming your fear helps conquer it - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 28, 2013]

Hello Ma’am,
 I am a student of RVCE, Bangalore in the Electrical and Electronics branch, presently in the 2nd year. I am totally confused about what to do after engineering. Basically I want to become a successful entrepreneur (industrialist), earn a lot of money and have a happy life, not as a middle class working employee. But the problem is I don’t have rich parents who can afford to give me the initial capital, or send me for higher studies. I am interested in fields like research and development. I am a gadget and gizmo freak. So I am not able to know what exactly I need to do because of which my performance in engineering college has gone down. I am even depressed a lot. I was a bright student and confident too. I used to read lots of technology magazines and newspapers and was interested in gadgets and technology. But now, I am totally confused and under-performing too. But I believe I am a very quick learner and very good at understanding concepts unlike other guys. My main goal is changing the present electrical systems, transmission, and generation. I want to make something for the betterment of humans. However, I know I am a little over ambitious too. Kindly help me.
Student  

Dear Student,
I can sense your confusion and worry about the future. You say you want to be successful, earn a lot of money and happiness. I want you to take a few minutes to identify what success means to you. How and when will you know that you have been successful. Success can mean different things to different people, and unless you define it, you could constantly be chasing an elusive mirage. So how will you know that you have been successful?

You also seem to assume, in your letter, that happiness is a function of how much money you have. You may have all the money in the world and still not be happy. Or you may hardly have any money, and still be happy. Happiness is not a function of money. Happiness is a state of mind. And you alone can make yourself happy or unhappy. It depends to a large extent on how you interpret situations, and how satisfied you feel with yourself. And the sooner you are able to see happiness as a product of your internal locus of control, rather than something that is dependent on the external world, the happier you will be able to make yourself. So again, define what happiness means to you. It is good that you are confident of your capabilities and know some of your strengths. There is no such thing as over-ambitious. You are either ambitious or not. It is always good to aim high so that you have something to work towards. But don’t let achieving that be your source of happiness, or a definition of your success. Your happiness and success should be defined in terms of your journey, and milestones on your journey, rather than only on the ultimate goal.

While I am not in a position to tell you what specifically you should do after your engineering, It is important that you answer these questions for yourself and find the motivation within. It is not necessary to have ‘family wealth’ to succeed. You can succeed on the power of your ideas as well. These days there is a lot of boost to entrepreneurship in the country, so if your idea has weight, you will be able to find the funding.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class 10. My problem is that I get very tense during the days of my exams. While preparing for the exams, I start shivering, sweating and feel like vomiting. Though I go through all my lessons, I feel I am not prepared. I go through all my chapters again and again though I have already studied them once or twice. I get so tense that I start crying and at some point of time, I stop studying and go to sleep. Even at that time, I think about whether I'll be able to complete the portions for my exams. Then I study all through the night and keep on studying until I enter the examination hall. I don't eat anything and spoil my health during these days. I also trouble my parents in this process. And finally after the results are out, I am one of the top 5 rank holders. Why does this happen to me? I find all my friends so confident. Why am I not as confident as them? Why do I get tense so easily? My Preparatory Exams are fast approaching and I don't want all this to happen to me again. Please help.
Yashaswini Yogesh

Dear Yashaswini,

I understand that you have a panic attack at the time of your exams, and now that your Board Exams are approaching you are concerned about this. I am glad you have sought help and recognize that you should not be getting so panicky. When you compare yourself to your friends you feel you are the only one reacting like this.

Firstly, let me assure you that you are not alone in panicking before exams. It happens to many youngsters, even though outwardly you may not be able to tell in some cases. However, you are right in thinking that you should not react this way and that there must be a better way around this problem.
I would like you to take a few minutes thinking about what you are scared of. The panic is the result of fear of the outcome. So what drives the fear and what is the worst possible outcome? Ponder over this. Once you name the fear, you may realize that the worst possible outcome is something you can live with. It suddenly does not seem to be as scary as you had thought it is. Don’t let the fear paralyze you. Think about the fear and confront it. Some of the possible fears could be that you will feel like a failure, or that your parents will be disappointed, or that your friends may laugh at you. These are common fears that students have. So name your fear and confront it. Believe me, that will take the punch out of it.

You ask me why this happens to you. This probably happens to you because you don’t believe in yourself. You need to believe in your own capabilities. And believe, that if you do not do well for some reason, then that is not the end of the world or the end of the road. You are still a worthy and capable person. Just because you may not do well once, does not make you are a failure for life. Remember, failure is an event. It is never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person. Very often we interpret as a total failure and therein lies the problem. To understand this, you could read the following articles on my blog - ‘Putting exams in perspective’ ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html ) and ‘It’s not the end of the road’ ( http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html ).

Remember to focus on the effort and not on the marks. Effort is all that we can control. Our fear often arises because we focus on the marks and the marks are not in our control, so we have a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness due to the fact that we can’t control the outcome.

Hope this helps and good luck for your exams.

Follow your passion - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on February 7, 2013]

Follow your passion

Dear Madam,
I am a second year B E student in EEE branch VTU. I have 1 backlog in each of my semesters. I am not able to give my best. I was doing well in my school and PUC. Will I get a good job even if I have backlogs? I am totally stressed. My parents have a lot of hopes for me. Please help.

Kamalesh

Dear Kamalesh


I understand that you are stressed because your parents have a lot of hopes from you. It may be worthwhile for you to make a concrete list of those hopes. For example they may want some amount of financial support (specify how much), or they may want you to live in the same town/house as them.


Or they may want to live with you. Or they may want none of this, but may just want to be able to tell their friends and family that their son is very “successful”.

Or they may just want you to be happy. You need to be able to understand for yourself, what you think are their expectations of you. When you say “lots of hope” you are dealing with an ambiguous entity which may be like a mirage, which you will constantly keep chasing and never be able to reach.

Once you are able to understand their expectations, two things may happen. Firstly you may realize that getting a “good” job as an engineer may not be the only way to live up to their expectations. Other careers and opportunities may also give you that option. Secondly, you may decide that you may want to live up to some of those expectations and not others. You will feel a sense of control on this process.

I cannot say whether you will get a “good” job if you have backlogs. All I can say is that your marks will only open some doors for you.


They will not guarantee your success. Your success in your career will depend on a lot of other qualities like your ability to work in a team, lead a team, solve problems, think creatively, communicate clearly and confidently, learn quickly, etc. The marks may open some doors, but if one door closes another one will open. The only difference is you may have to look for it a little harder.

Try and understand your worry and your anxiety and befriend them to goad you to do better, rather than treat them as your enemy that stops your from performing.

Good luck.


Dear Madam,
I am studying now in 12th Standard. I am losing my interest in studies. I am so much interested in music that I like to compose songs and I would like to make music direction as a profession. I have practised classical music for 11 years and I know the basics of western music as well. But my parents like me to take Engineering. I am not sure that I will pass the engineering entrance exams. I have failed once in 11th Standard Even if I choose the music field I don’t know what to do. So please give me some tips.

A Student

Dear Student
I understand that your parents want you to do Engineering and that’s why you are being torn between your passion, and what your parents want you to do. I am sure your parents will be comfortable with whatever choice you make, provided you have made an informed decision and know what to do and how to do it.
For that you would need to get more information about the music field and the opportunities in it, the entry barriers, and what you need to do to break them. I am not the right person to tell you about this. You will need to connect with people in the field of music and get their inputs.
Your parents will not be comfortable with your choice if they feel you do not know what you are talking about and are beating around in the dark. Ultimately, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in an enormous amount of effort to excel in it.

And, it is better to excel in your field of choice rather than to be mediocre in any other field.
You may want to try and understand the reasons why your parents want you to do engineering. Once you understand this, you may decide to either follow that path, or follow the path you want.
However, whichever field you choose, you will need to put in a lot of effort to stand out. So don’t let the effort tire you out.

Good luck.
Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PUC PCMB student. My problem is that I lost interest in studies when I was in my 10th Standard and got 3% less than the usual distinction I used to get. Since the past two years, I have totally lost my form and fear that the same would repeat in my finals this year. And I'm very weak in maths. Kindly suggest some methods by which I can start studying.


Dear Student
I have said this in my column several times before, because yours does not seem to be a problem unique to you. It seems to be happening to many students who let the fear of the results, or their “relatively poor” performance in past exams, demotivate them about the future. So understand why you think you should study, and analyse the benefits of studying.
Who do you think will be the biggest beneficiary of your studying? You can choose to let fear control you to inaction, or you can choose to let fear drive you to action. It is entirely in your control, and your choice.
So find your motivation. What is it you want to do in life? Think about whether you will be able to achieve that without studying. What options will be open to you if you do not study? Answer these questions truthfully, not for anyone else, but for yourself and see where they lead you.

All the best

Break work into small bits - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement dt. Jan 17, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a first year MBBS student. My problem is that I am not able to concentrate on studies. Earlier, I used to study well, but now, I seem to have lost my momentum. Kindly help me.

Nusrat Jahan

Dear Nusrat

You will need to tell me a little more about what you are feeling for me to really be able to help you. Why have you lost your momentum? Are you not interested in the subject any more? If this is the case, maybe it is too soon into the course for you to decide that, and you should take a call after some more time if this is something you want to continue with or not. Are you getting anxious about the results, or overwhelmed by the amount of work ahead? If you are getting anxious about the results, you need to focus on the learning and not worry about the marks.

Consider the worst possible outcome if you do not do as well as you would like, and assess whether it is something you can live with. In all probability, if you really think about it, it will be. If you are getting overwhelmed by the amount of work, break it up into small achievable goals, and remember to take stock of each goal as you achieve it, and celebrate its completion.

Sometimes on a tough journey, we need to keep looking back to see how far we have come, rather than look ahead and worry about how far we have to go. Another reason for you to lose momentum could be distractions from friends and romantic relationships. Like I said, I can’t really help you till I know the reason, but hopefully I have given you some pointers.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a class 12 CBSE student. I aspire to join IIT and now about 2 months are left for JEE mains. I have scored close to 70% in our school confidence exams and am very depressed because this is very low compared to my usual 90%. My JEE preparation seems to be bringing own my boards preparation. So, now I am confused whether to concentrate on JEE preparations or boards. Please help.

Manjit

Dear Manjit

You have to aspire to really ‘learn’ what you are studying so that the knowledge stays with you. I cannot say which one you should focus on at the cost of the other. I think both have their own place. But if you want to do engineering, it is good to aspire to do it from the IITs, but it does not mean that if you do not get into IIT, you are a failure.

There are so many other good colleges that you can join. In fact, I know of several hiring managers who prefer engineers from the second rung of colleges because they believe they have more hunger for learning on the job and do not come in with an attitude. So aim for the best, but remember, that that is not the only option. Sometimes, keeping that in perspective, and realizing that that is not the only open door for you to pursue reduces and the stress and anxiety assoicated with the results.

Also, remember, the marks you get, either in the Boards, or in JEE, are no guarantor or success in life. Success in life depends on several other things - your self-esteeem, your belief in your self and your abilities, your ability to communicate, you ability to work in a team and lead a team, your ability to problem solve and think out of the box, etc. etc. Yes, exams and marks are important, but the only role they play is to open some doors. If you don’t have them, you can always try opening other doors. Hope that helps.

Take time off to prepare - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following questions answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of January 10, 2013. However, interestingly, due to editorial goof-ups they went under another person's name!! It's never happened to me before. Hope it doesn't happen again. However, since the content is mine I am going ahead and reproducing it here.]

Take time off to prepare

Jan 10, 2013

Dear Madam
I am a 21-year old graduate from Mysore, and I completed my Bachelors in Business Administration (BBA) in June 2012. Instead of applying for MBA immediately, I chose to take a year off and concentrate on studying for various management exams (CAT, XAT, MAT, etc.). I was actually aiming for an admission into one of the IIMs, so I prepared for CAT-2012, and took it in the month of October 2012. Right now, it is December, and I am preparing for XAT, which is to be held on January 6, 2013.

The thing that is troubling me is that I do not have any work experience to my credit. All I had planned to do was prepare for management exams. And even though I put all my efforts towards preparing for CAT from July-Oct 2012, the actual test was not as good as I had hoped. I managed to do just about okay. And not only this, I have also been told by my parents that they will not be able to afford admissions into the IIMs, as my family is somewhat tight regarding finances.

Hearing this, I became totally depressed, thinking that all my efforts were in vain. And my parents are adamant that I continue my education in Mysore, so that they can be with me and save on money as well. I am totally against it. I do not want to compromise on the matter of my Masters degree in any way, since my BBA days were not all that enriching and college was not exactly a “learning” experience”. I have no expectations from Mysore at all- My mother is behind me to find a job so that I can assist my family. Even I want to- but in a place like Mysore, I really don’t know how to go about it, and I don’t even have any expectations of finding a decent job here.

Please advise. I have a very bad feeling, as if I’ve hit a dead end.

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous

It is okay to take some time off to prepare for exams. It is not mandatory that you have work experience right at the start. If you have put in your best effort, and you get admission for MBA, as per your wishes, then you don’t need to worry on account of the lack of work experience.

However, if you don’t get admission, again all is not lost. You can always gain some work experience, and then try again after a couple of years. In any case you can benefit a lot more from a management degree when you have the practical experience of the workplace. So if you don’t get admission, you can choose to view it as a failure and feel dejected and depressed. Or you can choose to view it as an opportunity to gain some work experience, and try later.

Secondly, if your family is not able to support you financially for further studies, you can always look at the possibility of taking a bank loan to do this. I believe there are education loans available these days, though I have to admit I do not have too many details on this. You don’t need to see this as a dead end.

You need to be able to decide for yourself what you would like out of your life. Understandably, your family would like to have you close to them. You need to be able to formulate your plans, and communicate them to your family. Remember, your needs and aspirations will be different from those of your family, and it is okay for you to chase your own dreams.

Understandably opportunities in Mysore will be limited compared to what they would be if you are willing to move out. In the process if you are able to carry your family along with your decision, you will be some much richer for it. This will require you to be able to communicate your goals and motivations to them, and address their insecurities to the best you can.

Dear Madam

I’m in X class. With hardly 3 months left for my Board exams, I’m still not addicted to books. When I open my books, I read for some time (10 to 15 minutes). After that my mind starts diverting to some other topic. I don’t know how to keep all these out and concentrate on my studies. I’m worried that if I don’t do well in the Boards, I won’t get into a good colleges. Please help me out to prepare well for exams.

Avinash

Dear Avinash

Why do you need to study? You need to answer that question for yourself and find your true motivation. If your motivation is to get good marks, to make your parents happy, to get admission into a good college, or to impress everyone, then you need to think again. Those may be short-term motivations but cannot be an end in themselves. What is your end goal and what are you working towards? If the end goal is exciting enough, you will feel motivated to work towards it. Remember, you need to do it for yourself, not for anyone else. You will be the biggest beneficiary of the effort you put in now.

Explore careers that suit you - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on December 20, 2012]
Dear Madam,

I am a student in Global Academy Of Technology. I am currently doing my 5th semester in electronics and communication. I keep thinking of what I should do after I finish my engineering. When I ask my seniors, they tell me to take up something that I am good at and have a flair for. My problem is that I don't really know what I am really good at. I don't know if it is really a failure on my part to not realize what I am good at.

Please tell me how I can know in what subject or area I am good at. But I really want to be something different.As in, I don't want to just get into a job and start earning 25k and be happy. Rather, I want to do something unique. May be like being a CEO or the manager of a company or may be going to NASA. I have been an excellent student throughout and have been a rank student in all classes by the graca of God. So, I believe I have the potential but I just don't know how to take it to the next level. Please help me to know how I have to go about to do it.

Aahana Chandran

Dear Aahana

It is nice to hear from someone who recognizes that they have potential and wants to achieve it. One way of finding out what you have a flair for is to really ask yourself what you enjoy doing. What subject interests you and arouses your curiosity the most. This need not necessarily the one in which you get the most marks.
Another way is to talk to people in various fields and understand what each field entails. And then analyse for yourself which field will play to your strengths and minimize the negative effect of your weakness. Of course, before you do this, you must know your strengths. So that may actually be a good place to begin. Do a SWOT analysis for yourself. List out your strengths, and weaknesses, and then find out which opportunities will play to your strengths, and which will be a threat because your weaknesses will have too much of an impact on them. You may possibly consider working with a personal coach or mentor for this.

And remember, any choice you make does not need to be final and fatal. If early on in your journey you make a wrong choice, you can always consider making a change rather than continuing in it endlessly for the rest of your working life. Even if this means the loss of some time, it is better to view it as a learning experience and move on. Often the finality of a choice is what scares us into not being able to make a decision.

One word of caution...being a CEO must not be an end in itself. A CEO of something you enjoy and something you have created is important. And, to reach the top of the ladder you will need to climb every step. Unfortunately there is no way of reaching the top of the ladder by taking a giant leap directly to the topmost step. So, focus on the journey, and enjoy it. That is the key.

Dear Madam,

No matter how hard I try, I can’t understand Math. I was good at Math till the 10th. But now in 11th I find it difficult (out of 4 tests I passed in 2). I used to be a 90s student but now I have landed in the 50s. Nowadays I am not able to study . I feel so low. I have started losing faith in myself. I have no true friends. Everyone talks behind my back. Dark circles around my eyes stop me from talking to others. Still I try to talk to them. People comment on each and every thing. I have long hair. I plait it every time. They have a problem with that too. They expect me to dress according to their wish.

My parents are upset with me. I feel very depressed. Looking at my marks my dad tells me that I won’t be able to get into National Law School, Bangalore. This makes me feel disgusted. I have no clue about what courses to take up after 12th.

All these years I have not been able to prove myself to be more intelligent and beautiful or popular than others. I am afraid I will end up a loner. I am ashamed of myself in front of my parents. I have lost interest in life. I don’t have strength to bear this anymore. I feel like running away from life. What should I do to be a normal person? Please suggest some courses after 12th which you think I am capable of taking up as my career.

A student


Dear Student

You seem to be struggling with many issues at the same time. At the root of all of them, I think, is low self esteem which is making you feel low, inferior, incapable, confused and depressed. You need to recognize your strengths, and gain strength from that knowledge. You also need to know your weaknesses, and accept them as a part of you, since no one is perfect. With this knowledge and acceptance you gain the power to go forth in the world and face whatever challenges come your way. You say you have lost faith in yourself, and to me that is the central issue.

Maths is a great subject and you seem to have been able to enjoy it till recently. You now seem to have developed a mental block about it, possibly arising from this same feeling of being incapable. Maths is all about practise and clear thinking. When your head and heart are all muddled up with confusing emotions, it is very easy to get lost in maths.

Others will always say things that you may not agree with, or that are hurtful, over which you have no choice or control. The important thing to remember is that how much importance you give to that is what you have control over, and is your choice. If you are accepting of yourself and believe in yourself, then others will be forced to mirror the same feelings. If you feel uncomfortable about yourself, people will give you the same messages.

You are a normal person. You just need to believe in yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself. You don’t need to be more intelligent, more popular and more beautiful than others. You just need to be intelligent (emotionally and intellectually) for yourself, to live the best life that is within your power. Life is about you and what you make of it. Everyone else needs to be merely the backdrop, not the key driver. I have written a lot about these issues in the past and my writings can be found on my blog personalorbitchange.blogspot.com .

Exams are not the end goals - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

Exams are not the end goals

(the following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald of November 29, 2012)

Dear Madam

I am studying in Class X. I am not able to concentrate while studying. Please give me some tips to improve my concentration level. I have only three months left for my public examination. Please help me plan for my exams so that I can do it well.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Increasing concentration while studying for your exams is something I have addressed many times in this column, over the years. At the risk of sounding repetitive, I will put down my thoughts again.

Firstly, remember that the 10th Std. Board exam is not your end goal in life. It is merely a necessary stepping stone towards achieving your larger goal, whatever that is. While studying for an exam we often make the mistake of thinking that doing well in that exam is our end objective. The exam, therefore, in our mind, starts assuming disproportionate importance. We start believing that if we do well in the exam, our success in life is assured. And, therefore, if we do not do as well, we are doomed to failure. This extreme importance that we attach to the role exams play in our success and failure in life, make appearing for an exam a very stressful and frightening event. And, the stress is what keeps our mind from concentrating. So, my first point is, to learn not to attach disproportionate importance to exams. Success and failure in life is not dependent on exam marks. It is dependent on several other qualities like your self-esteem, your communication skills, and your ability to think creatively and out-of-the-box, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, and so on. So give exams only the importance due to them, not more.

Secondly, be clear about why you want to do well in the exams. Is it because it will help you achieve what you want, or is it something you are doing for your parents, to make them happy, and keep them quiet. Remember, if it is something you are doing purely for your parents, then it will always seem to be a chore in which you don’t gain anything. And, so long as you view it as a chore, you are not going to feel motivated to put in the effort required.

Thirdly, put in your best effort and don’t worry about the marks. Which means study sincerely, and make a genuine effort to learn what you are studying, so that even if you don’t get the marks, at least the learning stays with you?Ultimately, it is the learning that will take you closer to your life goal, not the marks. So, if you are studying something, make sure you understand it.

Fourthly, remember, that if one door closes for you, in life, because you did not do as well as necessary in an exam, another door will open. Allow yourself the freedom and permission to find it and open it. Failure in one exam does not mean failure in life. There will be other options and opportunities.

Having talked about the larger issues of why you are studying for your exams and why that need not be a threatening process, but an enjoyable one, let’s talk about certain techniques that may help you actually concentrate more while you are learning. Identify how much you need to study, and do an honest assessment of how much time you need for each topic. Then allocate this on a time-table so that you are clear about how much you should achieve in a day, to stay on track and finish your portions on time. Use this time-table as a guiding principle, adjusting it as you go along, to account for unforeseen changes that may be needed. This will free you from the overwhelming feeling that you have not studied ‘enough’ during a day, and allow you to relax once your assigned portion for the day is complete. This will also give you a sense of control over the work you need to do.

Some people like to study with music, some without. Some like to study in a quiet place, some in the midst of everything. Some like to study on their desk, others on the bed, and still others on the dining table. Find out what works best for you. And, make sure your cell phone and social networking tools are switched off. It is nice to stay connected, but the world will not collapse if you do not know what is happening in a friend’s/acquaintance’s life for a few hours, or you don’t respond to a message immediately. These things are meant to be our tools that we control. Not something that we become a slave to and allow them to control us. They encourage a state of constant partial attention to anything that we are doing. Needless to say, when you are studying you need full attention.
You can also use concentration exercises like deep breathing, relaxation and meditation to help you. And make sure you keep time for exercise and play.

I have given you a rather long answer to a very short question. Hope it helps.