Communication is the Key - Ask Our Counsellor Q & A Column July 7, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 7, 2011]

Dear Madam,
Even though I’m very patient with my friends, I lose my temper with my folks at home. My parents comment on each and every move of mine. I really don’t intend to offend them, but sometimes I lose my control . They seem to oppose everything I do which makes me feel I’m incomplete and always wrong. Please suggest a remedy for my problem.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you feel suffocated by the constant monitoring of your parents. You also feel that they do not have confidence in you, or trust in your capabilities. This makes you feel inadequate and incapable.

What stops you from having a conversation with them about how their behaviour makes you feel? Our teenage years are when we individuate from our parents, and define ourselves. Parents often tend to miss this dynamic taking place, and end up being either judgmental or uncomfortable with their children taking on different points of view. They often don’t recognise their child’s growing need for some space .

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is the result of your feeling some other primary emotion — like feeling lonely, sad, guilty, inadequate, unloved, unworthy, and a host of other feelings. It is important for you to be able to identify your underlying primary emotions which result in your feeling angry. And, then discuss this dynamic with your parents.

If you feel unable to have this conversation with your parents on your own (because of your heightened emotions), I suggest you see a counsellor on your own (who can help you deal with your emotions), or as a family (so that the family dynamics can get sorted out). Communication is the key. I am sure your parents don’t have bad intentions. If this is causing you discomfort, then the onus to resolve this lies with you.

Dear Madam,
I completed my PU but failed to perform well in CET. I aspire to be a great doctor. Please help me. I’ve planned to write CET again next year. But I often get bored with books. Staying all alone at home, I waste my time watching TV. My parents don’t let me touch a cell phone or laptop. Help me in concentrating on my studies.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
I commend you for clarity on your ambition and aspirations. And, also, for the fact that you want to be, not just a doctor, but a great doctor. Unfortunately for the path you have chosen you would need to put in a lot of hard work and there are no shortcuts for that. However, the motivation for the hard work has to come from within you. And, if it genuinely is coming from within you, then you would not feel bored working towards your goal.

I am not able to reconcile the first part of your email to the second part. You would not be complaining about not having access to a cell phone or laptop, and watching too much TV. It seems to me that your parents are putting in these controls to help you work towards a goal that they have set for you. I think you need to search within and see what is it that you genuinely want. Once you have found that, you will have no time for distractions if you are truly committed to your path.