Failures are mere bumps on the road - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 28, 2011]

Dear Madam,
In life we have to go through changes that will define who we are, give us that identity. I think a lot has to do with what I want to do in my life and I feel I have found it. I really want to change this world. Depending on the success we define for ourselves we carve out a path, a plan. For this we need to think a lot, plan a lot and then implement it. How do we know that what we are thinking is the right way? What if my thinking is flawed. What if it leads to a catastrophic failure? I know the way we tackle failures define us but sometimes results and being successful in certain areas are important. Can you also tell me how to tackle misfortunes that occur in our pursuit to be really successful? I don't have a trusted adult whom I can talk to.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
Your desire to change this world is creditable. However, for any such large ambiguous goal, you need to break it down into smaller, more manageable, definable and achievable goals. How do you want to change the world? What all will you do towards that end? And, how will you know if you have achieved it?
The best way to test out your thinking is to bounce off your ideas with people who can provide you useful inputs. You may be able to find on-line sources of ideas in the field that you are talking about. You say you don’t have a trusted adult whom you can talk to. You can cultivate friendships based around your common interests and test out your ideas there.
How you deal with failures along the way, and there are bound to be some, is a function of how you define success for yourself. And I think you should gain clarity on how you will define success. Failures need to be treated, not as roadblocks, but as mere bumps on the road. You should just bounce off them and be on your path again. You need not necessarily have to change paths. And, the best way to get over your fear of failure is to also define and articulate what exactly you are scared of. What does the failure mean to you, and if you fail what are your worst fears about it. Remember, if you concretise what you are scared about, you may suddenly realise that the worst possible outcome that you are envisaging, may actually not be that scary. It may be something you could easily deal with and move on. One of my favourite quotes is “Failure is an event, not a person”. Keep that in mind and you will be able to move past any failures that come your way.


Dear Madam,
I have completed my BA 4th semester but I failed to perform well in the exams. Now I want to get more marks in the 5th and 6th semesters. Please help me concentrate on my studies.
Mallu S K

Dear Mallu,
It is good that you are now feeling motivated to perform better in your exams. It is very important to be able to bounce back after a failure, rather than feel defeated by it. Failure is an event, not a person. So while you may have failed at an exam, it is important to ensure that you do not start believing that you are a failure.
What is your motivation for getting more marks in the next semesters? Is it because you want to do well and you see it as a stepping stone towards a larger goal that you have in mind. Or, is it because your parents want you to get more marks and you want to either please them, or keep them quiet. If you are doing it for your parents, and see no ultimate purpose in it for yourself, then I’m afraid concentrating will be a challenge even this time around. If you are doing it for yourself, then your motivation for achieving your goals will drive your own efforts.
Whatever your motivation, you need to remember that these marks cannot be your end goal. It is important to always have the larger goal in mind, so that we don’t view failures along the way as ultimate failures, but only as small hurdles on the path to achieving the larger goal. Edison failed a thousand times before he finally invented the light bulb. However, when asked how he dealt with so much failure, he said he had not failed. It was just a thousand step process.