Get back into a positive path - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of July 3, 2014)



Dear Madam
I am in class 10 from June onwards. I am really pleased by your advice. I read a recent article in the paper about maintaining positive attitude. I tried several times. I was successful sometimes in controlling my mind, but not always. Please suggest me to get rid of this problem. 
A student

Dear student

Yes, it is great to maintain a positive attitude, and what is wonderful is that you are trying to do that. However, do remember, that we are all human, and it is not possible, or realistic, for us to expect that we be positive 100% of the time. So if there are times when you slip up, you don’t need to beat yourself up over it. Just recognize that you are moving away from yours positive attitude and remind yourself to get back onto the positive path.

But how do we get onto the positive path? Primarily by learning how to re-interpret situations, events and people in our mind, from being disastrous and things you can’t stand, to just being minor hurdles and irritants along your journey of life. For example, if you don’t do so well in an exam, you can interpret to mean you are a failure, and your whole life is doomed, and everything is lost.

This is naturally a negative path that will cause distress. Or you can interpret the situation to mean that maybe you need to put in more effort in that subject, or get some additional help, or try and understand what went wrong so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes again. This is naturally a more positive approach because it focusses on learnings and actions which may be irritants but are not defining in a negative way.

Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam
I am a 15 years old. I love art, graphics and other creative arts and I feel I can excel at it. But my parents are not too keen on it and force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. What should I do? Study or focus on arts?
Aspiring artist

Dear aspiring artist

Even if you love art and graphics, and want to focus on that, studying other subjects as well can’t hurt you because education never goes waste. If anything it will give you a wider perspective on life. So don’t use your interest in art as an escape from studying, and a justification not to study, but rather as one way that you have the privilege of being able to use to enrich your life. You are lucky in that art is something you can always pursue along with your other subjects.

 The other subjects are not only for you to clear exams, and get jobs, but also to give you a wider and more holistic view of the world, to understand and be able to deal with the world we live in in a better way.

Do you think you are a smarter person today because of your having the privilege of being able to study other subjects all these years, or do you believe that you would have the same choices in life that you have now, had you not studied all these years. Studying gives you choices and opens up doors. Why would you want to give up that option and close doors that have the potential for opening? You are too young to close the doors ahead of you.

And while you are thinking about this, try and understand your parents’ perspective on why they want you to study, and try and explain your passion, point of view, and plan because being able to communicate and negotiate is a key life skill.

Dear Madam
I have finished attempting a competitive exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again. I don’t have the courage to face my family. I am really scared as I have disappointed them. Please help. 
A student

Dear student
Let’s be honest. Is this about facing your family, or is this about facing yourself! Firstly remember, failure is only an event. It is never a person. And an event also finishes and life moves on. So yes, you may have failed at an exam. And you may have failed twice. But YOU are not a failure. YOU merely failed at an exam, and you can take stock and learn from that experience. What were the mistakes you made, what do you think you could have done differently, and other such questions. And once you learn from this experience you can take the exam again and ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes again. However, that is assuming this exam is something that you want to clear.

You could also ‘learn’ that this exam is not for you, and you would rather explore another avenue, and go down the path of defining, exploring and pursing the alternate path that you would rather go down.

Your goal in life should not be to satisfy other’s expectations and keep them happy, but to live to your own potential, satisfy yourself and keep yourself happy. Everyone has to take responsibility for their own happiness. Please take the help of a counsellor on this journey to discover meaning for yourself, if necessary. You can either see a counsellor face-to-face, or reach out for help to the Youth Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323.

Dear Madam,
I completed my MCA last year. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.
A student

Dear student,
It is okay for you to realize, after studying something, that you don’t find it interesting and you would not like to spend your life working in that area. You must enjoy the field you are working in, for it to be meaningful, enjoyable and not stressful. So if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that.

However, and here is the caveat. What is it that you enjoy and would rather be doing? Be clear about what you want, not what you don’t want. And that is the harder thing to define. It is not so much about family pressure, as it is about you knowing for yourself. If you are clear about what you like and want, then by all means disregard family pressure and follow your passion. We often end up blaming family pressure for our choices, but the truth is that very often we use that as an easy escape path, because finding our own path and then taking responsibility for our success and failure in it, is quite a weighty burden. It is much harder to say that I made a choice and I didn’t like it, than it is to say that the family made the choice for me and I didn’t like it.

So, this is a time to be honest to yourself. Discover your strengths and weaknesses, and discover what you would rather do. And once you have these answers, but all means go for it, because it is after all your life – you need to define it. Just a word of caution, on this path you may need some help from a counsellor so don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of April 24, 2014]

Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PUC (commerce) student. I have hardly 20 days left for my exams. Though I have completed studying the entire syllabus,solved previous year question papers and also secured 95% in my preparatory I feel that my preparations are not enough. I aspire to be one among the state toppers and this feeling of fear is bringing me down.I want to know what I can do to overcome this fear. Both my parents and lecturers are expecting high results from me and I don't want to let them down.

A student

Dear Student,

By the time this gets published your exams would probably be over. However, my response would probably help you deal with your fears and anxieties in the future as well. I would like you spend a few minutes thinking about what would happen if your worst fear (of not being a state topper) came true!

How would it feel? Would it impact the rest of your life in anyway? Would it even matter, and be of any significance, a year down the line? Would your parents still love you? Would your friends still have you as their friend? Would you still get admission into the next step of your education? Would your teachers still remember you as a good student?

Once you are able to answer these, and other similar questions, honestly, you will probably conclude that the importance you are attaching to being a state topper may be disproportionate to the gain that you will get out of it. 

It is great to aspire for great heights, but the fear of those heights should not prevent you from climbing them. After all, nothing material will really happen if you are not able to climb that height. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you don’t do as well as you would like to, it does not mean that YOU are a failure. All it means is that you were not able to achieve as much as you would have liked to.

As far as letting your loved ones down, you should be striving for great heights for your own satisfaction, and your own sense of accomplishment – not because you fear that your loved ones may not love you as much if you do not. You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you are worthy of being loved by your family, whether you do well in your exams or not. YOU are worthy, not because of your performance in your exams, but because of who you are.

Hope this bit of insight helps you in the future too. All the best.

Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PU student and I am facing a severe crisis. I am not able to concentrate on what I am studying. I just cannot focus for long. As a result I am taking a lot of time to complete simple lessons and moreover I am not able to recollect or remember things properly. As a result I have not been able to score well. Moreover of late I am making a lot of silly mistakes in my examinations, contributing to my average scores. I get frustrated and disappointed by this.

Even though I study for long, I am just not able to finish things to my satisfaction. My parents and teachers have really high hopes on me considering my previous achievements (95% in SSLC and 92% in I PU) and this is not making my situation easier.

I love to play sports, but I am not allowed, neither in college or at home. Even while playing sports also during practice sessions I play quite well but during the actual match I just cannot play properly as I suddenly feel disinterested and can give only an average performance. I feel very bad about it especially after doing so much practice.

Another problem is I tend to postpone things. Also sometimes I am able to study a lesson in an hour but when I try to revise later it takes close to 3 hours which I can't understand why. 

Also during the exam time I feel like doing everything else except studying but during my vacations I don't feel like doing anything and end up wasting my time watching TV or just doing nothing.

Of late I can't even make simple decisions without pondering over it for a very long time. I keep forgetting things, misplacing things and also losing things though I try to be careful, everyone says that I am just lazy and careless.Also I have a feeling that I should not think of whatever I am doing in a negative way. Even though I try to keep away from these negative feelings they still manage to creep in.

I am really feeling desperate and disappointed because of my poor performance and also that I won’t be able to reach mine, as well as others expectations.

A desperate student      

Dear student

There are several things you talked about in this letter, and it would be hard to address all of them here.

However, there is one common theme that runs through, and I think it may help you to talk about that. I think you are anxious about the results of your performance, whether in your exams or in sports, which is not allowing you to perform at the level of your potential. Remember, your goal should be to put in your best effort because that is the only thing you can control. You cannot control the result. And, sometimes, anxiety about the result overwhelms us to such an extent that we are not able to focus on putting in our best effort.

There is an article I had written in this newspaper some time back on helping students to deal with exam anxiety, and it may be helpful for you to read that at this point.http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html

Your anxiety may not be allowing you to focus and concentrate, may be causing you to make silly mistakes, and be distracted, resulting you in getting more desperate, disappointed and frustrated (to use your own words). You say you worry about “what would happen if you got a sum wrong? I ask you to answer that question for yourself. What would happen?

Please write down your worst fears and set them aside. Once you articulate your worst fears you may realize that nothing of significance really may happen. At the most you will get the sum wrong and may be lose a couple of marks. Now, if you think about that rationally, that is not the end of the world. It is something you can deal with, and live beyond. 

You also talk about not living up to others, and yours, expectations.

You need to worry only about your expectations.Others expectations will manage themselves. Your goal should not be to live up to others expectations, but to achieve your own potential, whatever that is. If you tell yourself that you should not think any negative thoughts, your mind will only fill up with more negative thoughts. All of us get thousands of thoughts all the time.They come and go. And that is what you must allow them to do. Come and go. If you hang on to one thought and say you must not think it, you will be prone to think of it even more. Quite like if I tell you not to think of a pink elephant, you are bound to think of it even more. And sometimes it may just help to write down the thoughts and anxieties on a piece of paper and set them aside, so that they are not cluttering up your mind.

Since you have so many conflicting emotions affecting you right now I would urge you to see a counsellor who may help you make sense of them. If you are not able to access acounsellor, it may be helpful to reach out to some of the free helplines that offer assistance. Once such is the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline on which you can reach a counsellor Monday to Friday from 4 pm to 10 pm. The number is 080 65333323.

Good luck, stay focused and all the best for your exams! Remember, the exams and your performance in them do not define you. You define yourself!