Believe in yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am in Class XII and am very weak in studies but do very well in sports. Should I study or do sports? Please help me, ma’am. My parents don’t help me in both.

Aisha

Dear Aisha,

You are fortunate that you have been able to identify a strength area for yourself. However, even if you focus on sports, you need to be able to identify a way to make it a profession that can sustain you financially. Only a handful of the top sports people earn a lot of money through sports.

For the rest of them, they have to marry their strength in sports with other business ideas to be able to sustain themselves. To be able to do that without other education may be difficult. It may be good for you to look at your academic education as a way of opening doors for you to leverage on your strength in sports. You would probably need the academic qualifications to open some doors for you in the future. Without the academic qualifications you may find your options severely reduced.

So, by all means, focus on sports, but think about how you are going to convert that into an idea that will sustain you financially. You can then view your academic education as a stepping stone to gain the skills for the implementation of that idea.
I hope that was helpful. I urge you to communicate with your parents so that both of you are able to understand each others’ points of view and take an informed decision jointly.

Dear Ma’am,

I am studying 2nd PU now and am really confused as I have to prepare for both NEET and Board exams, and my score in physics and mathematics are really poor. I want to be a doctor, not any doctor but a cardiologist. I know my maths score is immaterial to my dream of becoming a doctor but I want to keep my options open and have a good score in my Board exam as well. And, I often lose confidence on my ability to achieve my dreams and feel that I may have taken the wrong decision. Even after having a good knowledge of what I study, I fail in its presentation. Even in languages I lose marks due to my poor presentation. But, I used to score well in CBSE syllabus in which I completed my tenth. I think I can score well in all the subjects because usually I score well in unit tests but when it comes to summative tests I fail in my performance. I have great hopes of my parents on my shoulder. I don't wish to be a failure. Please solve my riddled conceptions.

P Eshwar

Dear Eshwar,

You seem to be too stressed and that is leading to your lack of concentration and poor performance in exams. It is natural for anyone to have some element of self-doubt about their choice of path.

The grass may always appear to be greener, or easier, on the other path.
I don’t think you should let your parents’ hopes on you weigh you down. They are meant to motivate you, not lead you to dysfunction. You have to believe in the fulfillment of your own hopes and dreams and in that process, your parents’ dreams will also be fulfilled. You are not alone in having to bear the weight of parental expectations. All parents have expectations from their children.
These expectations are meant to motivate children, not to weigh them down. Remember, there are several ways to fulfill parental expectations, unlike the common perception that there is only one right way.

Ultimately your parents want you to be happy and successful. It is your interpretation that they will be happy only if you are happy and successful in ways that they define. You have a choice to be happy and successful in ways that you define. Exercise that choice.

Also, define your end goal - is it to do well in the Board exams, or to do well in NEET, or to become a doctor, or to become a cardiologist, or to become a world-class cardiologist, or to help people live longer lives? Take a long-term view and treat the exams on the way merely as milestones towards that goal. They are not defining moments unless you make them out to be that.

Dear Madam,

My daughter is eleven and a half years old, studying in VI std. She is having a lot of problems with studies. Basically, she is a mild, intelligent, friendly and bold girl, who is ambitious to be a popular leader. She has a knack for speaking extempore and won group leader elections. She is hyper sensitive and a very stressed girl.

Nowadays, her stress level has increased so much that she hates to go to school, and even the sight of her school uniform and books upsets her. Her main problem is studying for tests & exams. Since she has come to a higher class, the frequency of tests has increased and because of the high stress, she finds it very difficult to sit down and work hard. She is a fast learner but the stress is causing a lot of problems. I constantly counsel her. We have never put any kind of pressure on her academic performance.

I would very much appreciate and would be grateful if you could advise us as to how we can help our child reduce her stress so that she will carry on with her activities without difficulty. Kindly help.

Concerned mother

Dear mother,

I can understand your concern, because being able to face stressful situations is a very important life skill for all of us. The difference between those who are successful in life and those who are not, very often is dependent on how people handle the various stresses that they are bound to experience in life. I think it would be very helpful for you to take your child to a counsellor who will be able to work with her through this process.

Stressful situations are most often the result of our irrational beliefs like, “I have to succeed at everything I do otherwise I am worthless”, “Everyone has to think I am a great person or has to like me”, or “My worth depends on how many people like me”, and so on. A counsellor will be able to uncover your child’s beliefs that are holding her back, and help her replace them with more rational beliefs that will allow her to deal with her stresses more easily.

After all, your happiness and your ability to deal with stress depends on what you think you are worth. And the foundations of that get laid in childhood.

Dear Madam,

I just wanted your suggestions to go ahead with my life and career. I could not pass 2nd PUC even after two attempts. After the second attempt, I started working. Since three years I am an office executive. Because I don’t have education I’m not at all valued anywhere. I really want to do something in life because I have my family who is depending on me. I don’t mind working under you also if I can grow. I’m not interested in studies. Also please give me some suggestions wherein I can come up in life.

Smitha

Dear Smitha,

Unfortunately, I am not hiring people to work under me. However, remember that the value the world ascribes to you is merely a reflection of the value you ascribe to yourself. You may not have formal education, but you may have other strengths which can help you. You need to identify your strengths and that will make you feel empowered.

The strengths are not only things that you do, or have achieved, but are also a function of the person that you are. Remember, Dhirubhai Ambani hardly had a formal degree as a foundation for his success.

And there are many other such names that one can come across. Success in life depends not only on your educational degree, but on many other life skills like your confidence, your ability to communicate, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to lead a group, or be an effective member of a group, your risk-taking and creativity, your entrepreneurship, your sincerity, your drive, and so many other things.

Follow your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 4, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class XII and would like to join MBBS next year. Like every child, I have had different ambitions at different times of my life. I developed a passion for cooking at the age of 13 but did not pursue it since it seemed an "unpredictable" career to my parents. Pushing that aside, I started to write novels, stories, features, etc. At the age of 15, I had published my own story book. Again, my parents branded that as another "unpredictable" career. At that point, I was aware that they wanted me to become a doctor which I had NO interest in. But eventually, I understood what their point was. They want me to be established in a profession that has some sort of stability. Once I am settled, I can pursue my ambitions. Truthfully, that seems like the right choice to make, but I am scared that I will never get to follow my dreams. What if life steers me another way? Will I lose my passion to be a writer if I do not do something about it now? I am an indecisive person, and I do not want that to get in the way of my future. Yes, I have chosen to study medicine but I do not know if that is the right decision for me. Right now, however, it seems like I have no other choice.
Shimona Lakshman

Dear Shimona

It’s great that you have such varied interests and that you have been able to take them to the next level. Remember, there are no right and wrong answers to your dilemmas. Whatever works for you is the right answer, because this is about your life and future. And whatever choice you make, you must believe that you have the ability to make it work for you. So make your choices with mindfulness, not out of compulsion and as a last resort. There is no right age to pursue one’s passions and dreams. You can do it at whatever stage is convenient for you. Some people do it early on, and some people do it later. And luckily for you, your passions are such that they can be pursued even alongside your chosen career. Haven’t you heard of a doctor who has published a novel, or written a book? Haven’t you heard of a doctor who’s cooking is to die for?
So make your choice, knowing that it is your choice, and believing that it will be right for you.

Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student with PCMC combination. I have failed in mathematics and have become hopeless since then. I have been put into science stream by force. My strengths in this field of study is Computer Science and English. And, my greatest weakness is mathematics. I would like to know whether supplementary exams are conducted this year or not. If it is conducted when should I apply and what are exact dates for the exam timetable. Also I would like you to tell me as to how should I prepare for the exams as this is the first time I have failed so miserably in exams. Will I be accepted in courses like BBM and BCom as I have not passed through annuals. I really do not want to enter the field of science anymore. Please guide me as to how should I mentally prepare myself for this exam and get the best out of this. What alternatives do I have if there is no supplementary exams?
A student

Dear Student
I am not in a position to answer any of your questions with respect to supplementary exams and the criteria for admission to any course, or the technique of study you should adopt. This information should be easily available from your college and your peers. All I would like to say is that failure in one exam is no reason to lose hope. It does not mean that you are a failure, nor does it mean that you will fail in that exam all the time. All of us are bound to face failure at some points in our life, and the sooner we learn to face it, learn from it and overcome it, the better it is for us.

I understand that you don’t have an interest in maths, but that does not mean you don’t have the capability to clear the exam. Remember, our mind has the capacity to grow and learn anything that we set our heart on. Intelligence is not fixed. It can grow based on the effort we put in, and the mind set we work with. If you put in an honest effort in maths, you will be able to overcome your mental block and learn, maybe even enjoy, the subject. Nothing is impossible.

Keep in mind the famous quote by John Wooden, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts.”

Dear Madam,
I have completed my class IX but with bad results. I just scored 88% and my parents expected more than 95%. In spite of good revision my score was low.  I learnt most of the syllabus very well. I had spent almost 4 hrs to learn each chapter during my preparation. But on the day before my exams I found that I had forgotten most of it and I had to spend 4hrs again to learn them well. But on the day of my exam I had forgotten many things again. This time, I was not able to finish revising all chapters before the day of my exam and more over, I could not remember much out of what I had studied. Most of my friends and my twin sister have good memory power unlike me. They don't consume 4hrs or more to finish each chapter. I don't understand why this is happening with me. Among all the subjects, Chemistry and Physics were horrible. I don't know how I'll face the ICSE this academic year and its vast portions. This year, all my score were below 90%. Please help me out so that I can do well in my board exams.
Vaibhavi

Dear Vaibhavi

My sense is that you are feeling too stressed and anxious about your marks and your performance, and that is affecting your concentration and memory. When you said you got bad results in your opening line, I expected your percentage to be much lower than the 88 you had mentioned. Please remember that your parents may have whatever expectations they have, and your twin sister may be getting much higher marks with spending less time, but you are a unique and valuable person with a unique and, maybe, different set of strengths and weaknesses. You need to recognize your strengths and achieve your own potential. This is not about living upto someone else’s expectations; it is about living up to your own expectations from yourself and achieving your own potential. For that you need to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and you need to understand that just because you may not get as many marks as your sister, you are not inferior to her. Marks are not the only benchmark for success, or worth, in life. Unfortunately, all to often, many of us believe they are. While marks may be important to open some doors for you in life, marks alone cannot guarantee success for anyone. So don’t let the fear of marks drive you around the bend. Don’t give them more power and control over you than they deserve. Just persevere, put in your best effort, learn well, and find your own motivation. Let that be your driver. And, remember to relax along the way.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am an avid reader of this column and adore the manner in which you handle every dilemma. I am in a confused situation too. I am currently in my eighth semester engineering with an aggregate of 75%. With no placements in the near future through the campus, I am looking forward to higher studies. Meanwhile, I have discovered a passion for the mike and stage through the various debate competitions I won and by being MOC in a chain of events at college. I feel that I should follow my passion and take up journalism as my career. My fluency in writing and an excellent command over the language has given me immense confidence. My parents are not supportive as they feel that journalism involve a lot threats. Shifting streams at the postgraduate level may sound bizarre, but I am ready for the challenge. Can you advice me on this aspect and suggest an excellent university in India and favorably in Karnataka where I can pursue my passion, if it is possible?
A Reader

Dear Reader
I am glad you find this column useful. It is always encouraging to get feedback, and if it is positive then that is even better! You are right in saying that you should explore your passion and do what you enjoy. You may want to understand what the alternative career entails by talking to people in that profession. Also understand your parents’ fears and apprehensions about it. Ultimately your parents will want you to do something that will make you happy. If you are able to communicate that to them, they will be satisfied.You could look at using your engineering education to add value to the branch of journalism that you are wanting to pursue. In any case, no education goes waste, even if you are not actively pursuing that field. Learning anything can only be helpful.Before taking the plunge map your strengths and weaknesses onto your career options, and see which one gives you more of an advantage. List out the plusses and minuses of both choices and see which one weighs in stronger. Ultimately do what will make you feel happier and more satisfied, but do it for the right reasons.

Don't live up to others' expectations - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of June 13, 2013]

Dear Madam
I am studying BE Telecommunication in VTU. To be frank with you, now I am 27 yrs old. I took admission in 2005 and I was to complete the course in 2009. But due to my negligence and laziness, it is only now in August 2013 that I have got admission into the final year. Since I am taking 8 years to complete my course, it will be very difficult for me to get a job in any MNC. So now, as I have few months free till August for my final year admission, which course should I go for that will be useful for me in getting a job. Till now I have studied Programming Languages like C, and C++. Please suggest any career oriented courses of upto one year duration. Even if it is expensive, I will go for it. I am interested in software courses as I am interested in writing the logic for a program. I am the only son of my parents and they have huge expectations from me. I don’t have any plans for PG studies. I am already 27 now. So please provide me enough details of institutions, which would recruit me to good MNC.
Student.

Dear Student
I am not a career counsellor and so have no advice for you on which courses you should attend to brighten your chances of a job in an MNC. All I can suggest is that don’t make your life about living upto your parents’ expectations alone. What are your expectations from yourself? Don’t strive to achieve something only as a favour to your parents. The biggest beneficiary of your professional success is you, not your parents. They will merely be happy to see you grow in whichever area you choose. The actual joy and satisfaction of doing well is going to come to you, not your parents. So it is about time you decided that you needed to achieve something because you want to do something in life.

It is good that you have been able to recognize the reasons for your not clearing your exams in time and keeping up with your peers. Recognizing where the problem lies is half the battle won. If you know where the problem is, it is much easier to overcome it. Remember also, that success in the workplace is not merely a function of marks. It depends, to a large extent, on your soft skills as well - your ability to communicate, lead a team, be a team player, think creatively and out of the box, problem solve, etc. You may want to spend your next few months focussing on those areas.

Dear Madam,
I am a 9th grade CBSE student studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Recently I changed my Section and I am facing an inconvenience. I was a topper in my previous class. After changing the Section, I feel I can't cope because of the competition. All the toppers of the other sections are in my section, and I feel inferior between them. I want to gain my confidence back. PLEASE HELP!
Student

Dear Student
It looks like you have been shifted into a section which has all the high performers from all classes. I am sure this was done to make the environment more challenging, and hence more meaningful, for all of you - to help you achieve your potential and better equip you to face the future competitive environment. You should not view this as a threat, or an inconvenience, but rather as an opportunity that you have been given because of your good academic performance.

It is not important to always be the topper amongst a group of children. The goal of education is not to top, but to learn, and to gain the tools to achieve your potential, now and in the future. Would you rather top amongst an average set of students, or be amongst the entire set of top performers, even if you are not at the top. Your goal must be to maximize your learning and put in your best effort. Your sense of self-worth must come from your self belief and confidence in your own abilities, not from the fact that your marks were the highest. Your sense of achievement and success must come from being as close to achieving your own potential, rather than from being the top amongst a mediocre bunch.

So be thankful for the opportunity that you have got. Change is always difficult because it involves stepping out of your comfort zone (in this case, that of knowing that you can easily top your class). But to grow and achieve our potential we must step out of our comfort zone, no matter how scary that process. So go ahead and plunge in.

Dear Ma'am,
I completed my 1st PUC Science(PCMB) with an average percentage. I have no intention of joining any tutorials as I believe that I am confident of reaching my goals with the coaching given in my college. Even in my 10th Std (State syllabus) I managed to secure very well without tutorials. But now, everyone I know have joint tutorials and I am literally the only person who is not as serious as others. I feel too depressed and insecure. In spite of this, I have no interest whatsoever to join tutorials because I know I can't balance both college and tutorials. I feel too anxious just thinking about 2nd PUC. Being insecure as I am now, I have lost hope of doing well. I experienced all of these before the start of 10th Std too, but I managed in the end. But, now I feel too low. Some of my college teachers have begun their own tutorials and I feel even the teachers suggest to join tutorials. There is no one to inspire and motivate me to prove that it is possible to succeed without tutorials and this fact has pushed me to the edge. I am willing to put my best efforts and work hard with dedication. Is that enough? Everyone has this theory in mind that only students who go to tutorials can do well in 2nd PUC. Is that true? Can I perform well without going to tutorials?
Arpitha

Dear Arpitha
If you are confident about your ability to work hard and put in your best effort, then you do not need to do something because everyone else is doing it. Most people go to tutorials because that forces them to put in the extra work required, which they are not confident and disciplined enough to do on their own.

Ultimately success in the exams will depend on effort, diligence, and dedication, whether it is in the tutorial classroom or at home. What the tutorials may do is make you more familiar with the style of questions that may come in the examination, but you can get that from past question papers as well. The tutorials are just an extra tool that students use, to make sure they haven’t missed on any help they can get. Tutorials cannot guarantee success without the student’s own dedication and effort.

I am happy to hear you say that you are confident of reaching your goals on your own. Ultimately, that is the confidence that will drive you to success, not tutorial classes. So don’t lose heart. It is always difficult to do something that is different from the crowd, but go with what your heart says.

 You say you are not as serious as others, yet on the other hand you say that you have the confidence to do it on your own. These are contradictory statements. Obviously you are serious and have confidence in your own ability. Seriousness is not measure by how many classes you attend.

Don’t let your fear and insecurity incapacitate you. Every one needs to find the means to the end that works for them. Just because tutorial classes work for others, does not necessarily mean they will work for you.

Others may not have the same confidence that you have. Don’t let others’ fear and insecurities convert your strength into a weakness.

All the best

n

What do you expect from yourself? Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 23, 2013]

Dear Madam, 
I have finished my 10th std in 2000 and PUC in 2006, due to some family problems. I completed my degree in 2009 and after that I took a job in a school. Now I want to do MCA. I am worried about the impact that the gap may have on my future if I work in the corporate sector. And my percentage is not so good in PUC. Please help me.  
Student

Dear student,
If you are able to explain your gap in a way that is authentic and shows how you used that opportunity to grow and gain life experiences, you may in reality be able to position yourself as someone who may be more of an asset to an organization. Don’t look at that gap as a failure, or a short coming, but as a life event that gave you opportunities to gain life experiences that you would not have got in a classroom. So think about what the reasons for the gap were, how did you use the gap time, what did you learn in the process and how are you a better person now because of it. If you analyze your gap time in this way, you start thinking about it as an opportunity that taught you something. If you able to convey that in your interviews, you can convert it into a strength. Remember, success in the corporate world does not depend on your marks, but on several other things like your confidence, your communication skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to problem solve, your ability to work in a team and lead a team, and so on. Marks just open the door.

Dear Madam
I am currently in my 2nd year CS Engineering. I was very good at studies in the 1st year and in my PUC. My CGPA in the 1st year was 8, but in my 3rd semester, somehow I lost interest and neglected my studies. I got 2 backlogs. I'm not able to regain my strength. My mind is getting distracted from studies, my parents have lot of hopes for me. I even read motivational books, but the motivation will be there in my mind only for one or two days. I joined college to achieve something, but I'm not able to concentrate now. I want to achieve something in my life, but I don't know what is lacking in me. I'm very confused. Please help me.

Dear student,
I understand that your parents have lots of expectations from you, as is natural for all parents. The important thing for you to answer is what are your expectations from yourself. This is not about your doing something for your parents. This is about your life, and your doing something for yourself, that makes you happy and fulfilled. If that happens your parents will be satisfied. Remember, the biggest beneficiary of your “success” is going to be you, not anyone else. So find your motivation. What are your dreams? What are the steps you need to take to fulfill them? Break up your goals into small, achievable targets so that you get a sense of fulfillment along the way. Failure in any one of the steps on the way, does not mean that you are a failure. It just means that you failed at that task in the first attempt, and you need to learn from your mistakes and try again. Try to understand what is distracting your mind. Is it stress and pressure, is it the peer group, is it a romantic relationship, is it fear? Once you are able to understand the source of your distraction you can address it.
All the best.

When someone you know is suicidal

I was recently training a group of people, who were gearing up to be effective counsellors, on the subject of suicide, and was numbed when I learnt that each and every person in the room that day, including me, had had someone in their life who had either already committed suicide, or was contemplating it.

Bangalore, unfortunately, has the distinction of being the suicide capital of the country – having the highest number of reported suicides. The daily newspapers carry several reports of suicide. And, I’m sure for each suicide that gets reported, there are several others that do not. And for each successful suicide, there are probably 10-20 attempts made that have not been successful. Given this, the chances that each one of us may know someone who is feeling suicidal are high, because the people who feel suicidal do not belong to some other remote world (much as we would like that to be the case). They belong to our world and our communities. They are one of us and they are among us – in our schools, colleges, offices and families. I learnt this the hard way having lost one of my clients, whom I had worked with for over six months. I was left with several questions, several regrets and several fears. That is what started me on this journey of trying to understand what happened.

So, if someone comes to us and lets us know that they are feeling suicidal, how do we support them in a positive way? While the best option is to get them to a mental health professional – may be even take them there yourself, that may not always be possible, or practical. In that case what do you do?
There are several things a lay person can do to help someone who is contemplating suicide. Probably the most important, but hardest, is being non-judgmental about the person who is feeling suicidal, and the situation. We must remember that the thought of suicide is a “cry for help”, not a “desire to die”. We commonly believe that someone who is contemplating suicide wants to die. On the contrary he or she is simply giving out a desperate cry for help. We can choose to ignore it, or we can choose to respond. The choice is ours. And often we choose to ignore it because it means confronting some tough questions for our self. We must remember that while there is a time for us to confront those questions, clearly this is not that time. This is the time to give the person non-judgmental support. This is the time to respond to their cry for help positively. This is the time to just be with the person.
Many dismiss this cry for help as an attention-seeking behavior that they don’t want to encourage or fall for. The question to ask our self is why the suicidal person has to resort to such measures to get the positive attention they want, and deserve. We tend to just look at the behaviors and try to fix those, without understanding the deep insecurities that result in that behavior, and address those insecurities.

No person is 100% suicidal. About 80% are sitting on the fence – ambivalent, confused and gasping for life, looking for a deterrent, and hoping someone will stop them. With their constricted thinking, they are contemplating a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is a myth that contemplating and committing suicide is an impulsive, irrational act. On the contrary, it is often well thought out and the person who is feeling suicidal gives several warning signs along the way. It is also a myth that those who threaten it don’t do it; that children don’t commit suicide; that once a person is suicidal they will always remain suicidal; or, even that discussing suicide with the person will drive them closer to it.

So we must respond to their cry for help; we must be the deterrent they are looking for. But how?
Firstly, by being non-judgmental and staying calm. This is not the time to lecture, blame or preach; or to criticize their choices, analyze their behaviors, or confront them with your own interpretations. This is the time to “listen” and allow them to ventilate their feelings in a safe space and encourage self-disclosure.

By not keeping the suicidal risk a secret and not falling into the confidentiality trap. They need help, and must get it.

Don’t debate the pros and cons of suicide; or deny their suicidal ideas. Acknowledge it as a choice, but don’t normalize it. Don’t challenge them for shock effect; but find out what is being hoped to be accomplished and communicated by the suicide.

Don’t leave them isolated, unobserved or disconnected. Show them your personal concern. Show them some hope and be the temporary champion they so desperately need. Help them stay in the “here and now”.

Don’t be misled by their telling you that the crisis has past. Most people make a second attempt soon after. Don’t get sidetracked by extraneous, external issues and don’t forget to follow up and stay connected.

The risk is greatest when a person has the means, the opportunity, a specific plan, and, 
the lack of a deterrent. So be their deterrent. Be their temporary champion. Show them some hope. And most importantly, be there.

Don't belittle any profession - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 2, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a BSc graduate from a good college with a percentage of 53. I completed my BEd in 2012 and scored 80%. I had backlogs in each semester of my degree. I am interested in doing regular MSc Physics, but am scared of failing. My father has suggested that I do a correspondence course of MSc and my mother is telling me to do regular MSc. I was a good student in school. I don't know why I have become so poor in studies after my 10 Std. I have lost confidence in myself. I want to move further. Help me.

Ayesha Amreen.

Dear Ayesha,

You say you have lost confidence in yourself and are scared of failing. I have written extensively about the fear of failure in this column before and I would like to direct you to my article on the subject in my blog. You can find it at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
You must name your worst fear about failure. What is the worst thing that will happen if you fail? Often when you answer that question honestly, you will realize that the thing you are most scared about, may be something that need not be that scary. It may be something that, even if it happened, you could survive and have a very meaningful life. Failure is just an event - an event that helps you learn several lessons. It does not have to be regarded as final, or fatal, but just as another learning opportunity. Failure is not YOU.

If you would like to do the regular MSc course, you must go ahead and do it. Don’t settle for correspondence because you believe you cannot do the regular degree. Do correspondence only if you have some better utilization of your time at the moment, and still want to go ahead with studying. Remember, you can and will be able to achieve anything that you set your mind to.

All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am 25 years old and have completed my PG in Social Work in 2011. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for  me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.

Jerry Varghese

Dear Jerry,

I think you need to gain clarity for yourself on what you would like to do, and what you believe are your strengths and weaknesses. Choose a career that will leverage your strengths and won’t let your weaknesses come in your way. You may need the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult, who will help you in this exercise. The greatest disservice you can do to yourself is lose confidence. Confidence is the fuel that takes you to your destination. So get clarity on your strengths, help that identify a goal or destination, break that goal into smaller achievable milestones (or stepping stones) and then just stay focussed on your path and go after it. It is not your degree that will get you success (or failure) as much as your attitude, your confidence, your self-esteem, your ability to learn and your creativity.

All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am studying Computer Science  (8th semester) in Bangalore Institute of Technology. I am writing this letter to you because I am concerned about my future. I got placed in TCS which, of course, is a great thing that has happened to me by God's grace. But I am not too excited about it. I could have been better given my college's reputation.

My parents are very concerned about my future and are suggesting that I take up further studies like MTech or MBA, but not M. Whereas my brother, who is a software engineer, is asking me to take up a job, but not in TCS. I am completely confused about my future. As a result, I am not able to concentrate on my academics right now.

So through this mail, I am requesting you to suggest the correct path for my future, and I am open to any suggestions you make.

PS: I love cooking and am deeply interested in hotel management but I know it’s quite stupid.
Dear Student,

As I have said in this column many times before, I am not someone who can guide you on what course of study you should pursue, or what company you should take up a job in.

From your letter I got an understanding of what your parents want for you, and what your brother wants for you. However, I did not hear you say what you wanted for yourself! It is good to take everyone’s inputs but ultimately it must be your choice. And it must be a choice made based on rational thoughts about your future. So while evaluating your choices, identify your strengths and weaknesses, and analyze your opportunities and threats. In short, do a SWOT analysis and see where it leads you. Remember, whatever path you choose must play to your strengths, and must fit in line with goals that you have set for yourself. Work backwards and ask yourself what kind of job you’d like, what path would take you there, and therefore, what steps do you need to take now to set off on that path. Life is not a train journey on which you are trying to run errands for your parents and your brother, and other important people in your life. Life is a train journey on which you are trying to get to a destination of your choice. So pick your destination. And regarding cooking or hotel management, there is no such thing as a “stupid” career. Do not belittle any profession! Pick what you are really passionate about. Everyone else’s satisfaction and happiness will follow.

Dear Madam,

I am a student of class 12 and I want to be a doctor. But the problem is I don't want to be just a doctor, I want to be a great doctor! I want to help poor people in all the ways I can.

For that I know I have to study and score well in both my Board and NEET.

I want to do my medical course in a well equipped, modernized university which is out of the country. Can you please suggest some universities where I can apply and how to apply.

I am a bright student but when I sit to study I often loose my concentration. I want to achieve something in life. I just don’t want to waste it. My parents have huge dreams for me. I want to live up to those. I want to do it. However, I am also a very careless person. I take everything for granted. Even my studies.

I want you to please help me in my concentration, and help me achieve my dream!
I want to also add that I sometimes get really scared that, what if my dreams just remain a dream. I also want you to help me to get off my negative mind. I want you to help me and motivate me towards my goal!

Rashmitha Devraj
Dear Rashmitha,

I love your passion and your desire to excel. It is great that you want to make a difference with the kind of work you do, rather than stick to mediocrity. However, for that to happen, it is not necessary that you study abroad. Also, I am not the best person to guide you either on which universities are good, or on how you should go about it.

What I would like to say though is this - don’t get overly stressed by the results. Ensure you maximize your learning. Because, eventually, to become a great doctor, your learning, not your marks are going to make the difference. Sometimes we feel so pressured by the need to get marks, and so fearful of not getting the maximum marks, that we are unable to concentrate and focus on the learning.

How you define your success and failure is your choice. Don’t let anyone else define it for you. No one can help you achieve your dream other than yourself. But you must ensure, that it is your dreams you are chasing, and not that of your parents. Also, remember that dreams are your own creation, and are not constant or static. They change and evolve as you go along life’s journeys. And just like you create them, you can also alter them. So it is not that if you don’t achieve what you dream of right now, you would have failed at achieving your dreams. Your dreams itself may change. Looking into the future is something we do to guide us along our journey; not something to make us so fearful that we are not able to function.

Also, remember, that if they are your dreams, then you are not answerable to anyone for not achieving them. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, other than yourself.

All the best.