Focus on your dreams - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 19, 2013] 

Dear Madam,

I am a professor (PhD in Pharmacy) and my husband is an engineer (Mechanical). My son is doing Engineering from a reputed college but he is not doing well. He has already lost two years and is still in the first year. He was not good at studies while in school also and he got only 50% for PUC. We put him to Engineering thinking that somehow he will manage. But he has become disinterested in studies now and says he wants to go for modeling and enter film industry. He is good looking and tall. So he is getting the confidence as all his friends say he can become a hero. Since I am in the education field since 25 years, I feel bad about him dropping studies. What do you suggest? Because of this I have health issues also. Please advice.
A concerned mother

Dear Mom,

As parents, we have to learn to let children live their dreams, not ours. We have to be able to separate our issues and concerns from those of our children. We have to be able to address our anxieties and disappointments for ourselves, and not pass them onto our children. Ultimately all parents want their children to be happy and do well, but the mistake we make is we feel that the path we suggest/know/want is the only way to be happy and do well.

We have to learn to watch while our children make mistakes, and then recover from the process, in their journey towards their goals and dreams.

I understand that you are an educationist and both you and your husband are well educated. You would have liked the same for your child, because that is the only proven way for you towards success and happiness. However, if you are able to separate your life’s journey from his, you will let him embark on his journey with confidence. His desired journey is not ‘wrong’ - it is just different from the one you would have chosen either for yourself, or for him.

Also it would be helpful to remember that his choice of goals and paths is not a measure of whether you have been a ‘good enough’ or ‘successful’ parent, or not. Often we are concerned about what society will say about me as a parent if my child chooses this path. Society will only reflect back to you, what you feel about it. If you are comfortable with it, you will not allow what anyone says to impact you.

Ultimately being in a career in which he is not interested, or not able to do well, for whatever reasons, is not the path to happiness for anyone. Do you want him to blame you for his lack of success in his career all his life, or do you want him to take ownership and responsibility for his life and do what he believes will make him happy?

We have to accept that our children, whom we love with all our heart, may make choices that are different from ones we would have made, and that they may even fail in some of those choices, but that is their journey of life, which will teach them lessons along the way. We must just remember to still love them as best we can.

Dear Madam,

I am a second PUC Science student. I had no dreams till Class X, but suddenly there was a lot of pressure on me about studies by my family as they wanted me to work hard. From Class V to IX, I was just a lazy boy - I did not complete my notes,and was a dull student in my class. As time passed by, all my family members began to make fun of me. They used to say I was useless and wanted me to work in garages, so I was very upset. From then onwards I started studying. For SSLC, I just studied for four months and was able to score 68%. All my family members were shocked to hear that I had passed SSLC with 68%. My father himself had doubts about it. That night, I sat and thought about whether to opt for Science or Commerce. I decided on Science and worked hard day and night. I work a lot but am unable to score well. Now I am in the second year. Now there is another problem about the entrance exams this year - It will be ISEET. I take coaching from a reputed lecturer in my city. I am interested in Physics, for which I scored 89% in the first year annual examination. There is a relative of mine who finished his B.Sc in Nautical Science and today he is a captain who earns Rs 14 lakhs per month. But I am a backbencher.

Abdul

Dear Abdul,
I notice from your letter that despite what others around you say about you, if you set your mind to do something, you do it. Even though you did not do academically well till Class IX, because you did not focus on it and were ‘lazy’, once you decided to work you did so well that people around you were surprised by the results. You need to focused on doing what you like to do, and putting in your best effort to achieve what you want to achieve. This is not about what others want of you, or what others say about you - this is about you, your dreams, your life, and what you want to make of it. Don’t let others’ judgements of you define you. Do an honest assessment of your own strengths and weaknesses, your dreams, the opportunities available to you, and the threats that may stop you. By going through this process, get to know yourself better, and let that define you.

Labels that are given to us in childhood by adults around us, have a nasty way of sticking to us and appearing to be the truth. We often carry that baggage along for the rest of our life, unless we become aware of it and consciously choose to discard it.

Dear Madam,

I and my wife are worried about the academic performance of our 11-year-old only son, who studies in Class VI. Either of us are always with him when he sits to study. Besides coaching, encouraging and motivating him, we help him in all aspects of his home work, but his marks graph has been going downward for the last three years. As far as we understand, he attempts all the questions during exam but makes a lot of spelling mistakes resulting in loss of marks for every mistake. In the end, he is awarded less mark for that particular question or no marks at all. Overall he ends up with less grades in each UT/Term exam.

His study pattern is thus: reading the particular chapter of the text book which is being taught in the class during evening or morning hours, identifying hard words and writing them over and over again for two to three days, undertaking dictation for whichever words he can’t write properly, and practicing those for another two days. He reads repeatedly till he memorizes all the answers, meanings, fill in the blanks etc., and answers them orally.

But this method is not helping. We bought online maths tuition for only maths to help him but did not have much success. Can you suggest a better way for him to do well in his studies? One observation we made all these years is, while reading text, many a time, he reads words which are not there in the text at all ( For example, adding ‘s’ where it is not given). He does this even though words are familiar to him and he knows how to read them. He wears spectacles with 3.5 power. We take him for regular checkup in April every year and replace spectacles as prescribed. He was born in the seventh month of pregnancy. Is that determining his studies? Please help. Except in studies, he is very active and mingles with friends, browses computer, uses mobile, in fact tells us some times things we don’t know.

Chandramohan

Dear Chandramohan,

When I read your letter I can sense your anxiety around your child’s academic performance, and I would urge you to get some help to deal with that anxiety first, otherwise you will project that anxiety onto your child in all your interactions and that is not going to help the situation. Address your fears around the matter and see what is driving that anxiety. Take the help of a counsellor in doing this, if possible.

Secondly, please recognize that your child is more than just his academic achievements or lack of academic achievements. He will have other strength areas which you must discover, nurture, cherish and value. He may have weaknesses as well, but that is normal and so do all of us. We need to be able to recognize them and work around them. I do not know enough about your child’s academic abilities, but if you have concerns on that score, you could get him tested to see if he needs any special assistance in certain areas.

Thirdly, I am not sure how much time you insist him to study when he comes back home. It should not be more than an hour or so a day at this level. You need to be able to transfer responsibility to him, and get him motivated to work on his own, without your constant monitoring and assistance. Maybe if you let go a little, he may be able to take more ownership for his work, and feel more of a sense of satisfaction in doing it.

Fourthly, please focus on effort, not on marks. Ultimately he needs to put in his best effort to perform at his optimum level of capability (which may be different from other children, and may not get reflected in marks). Also, please focus on his understanding the material and what he is doing, not on memorizing things he does not understand. That is a very short-term view of studying. Let learning and rewarding effort be the goal, not the memorizing and rewarding marks.

Identify your strengths - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of September 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a student of class X studying in a residential school. I feel that I am turning out to be inferior. In my previous classes, I was bold enough to face the public in competitions or other activities. However, now I hesitate to open up my ideas. I even hesitate to speak out certain correct things in front of my teachers. This has led me to develop an inferiority complex. Nowadays my voice shivers, whenever I speak to the public in certain competitions. Most of my classmates tease me whenever my voice shivers. I feel ashamed. So please help me.Yashaswini 
Dear Yashaswini,

I understand that you are feeling you are not good enough and are faced with self-doubt and this is stopping you from expressing your opinion, either in class or on stage. You also think your friends are teasing you because of this. I want you to make an attempt at understanding what your fear is. What in your opinion is the worst thing that could happen if you did express your opinion, or if you did falter while speaking on stage? Once you are able to name your fear you will be able to address it.

Also, you must understand all your strengths and recognize your weaknesses. Those friends who laugh at you also have their weaknesses. They are not perfect, and neither are you. Why don’t you let them know how you feel when they laugh at you? Being open about your feelings gives you strength to face situations. For instance, if you are nervous before a speech on stage, and you go up on the podium and in the first line or two mention about how making this speech is a very scary experience for you, you will find that you don’t then need to ‘pretend’ to be ‘brave’. You will understand that it is okay and normal to be scared, and one can overcome it.

But more than anything else, I want you to believe in yourself. Write down a list of all your strengths, and acknowledge them to yourself. Then make a list of your weaknesses, understand that everyone has weaknesses, see which ones you want to overcome and which ones you are comfortable living with. And then go ahead and overcome them. In this process take the help of a trusted adult you can work with. Better still work with a counselor.

All the best

Dear Ma’am,

I am a Class IX CBSE student studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Recently I have changed the section and I am facing an inconvenience. I was the topper in my previous classes. After changing the section, I am feeling I can't cope up because of the competition. All the toppers of the other sections are in my section and I feel inferior amongst them. I want to gain my confidence back.

A student

Dear student,

The important thing is not to try to be the topper all the time, but to perform to the best of your ability and to put in your best effort to achieve your potential. Being the topper among a class of mediocre students does not help you achieve your potential in life as much as being amongst a group of bright students who are all striving to achieve their best. This kind of positive peer pressure helps you reduce the gap between your performance and your potential because it forces you to push yourself. Don’t view this as a failure because you are not topping now. Instead, view it as an opportunity that is allowing you to push yourself to succeed. Because ultimately success in life will not come because you topped in your 9th grade, or 10th grade, but because you learnt the important life lesson of pushing yourself and putting in your best effort. Success is not about getting the highest marks in any given group.

Success is about driving yourself to do the best you can. It is about doing better than you did the last time, not necessarily about doing better than everyone else. Use yourself as a benchmark, and let the class drive you to your potential. The moment you shift the benchmark of performance from the rest of the class, to yourself and your previous performance, your focus will change. The marks you get only make a point to others, which is not important. Your effort makes a point to yourself, which is the only thing that matters.

Don’t base your confidence on what others are getting. Don’t view others’ marks as a deterrent - instead view them as a driver and a motivator that will narrow the gap between your performance and your effort.

Hope this helps. All the best

Dear Ma’am,

I am Likitha of class 12. I am an average student (70%) but in 10th I got good marks (90%). I had a wonderful set of friends, but I changed my college even though I didn’t want to, because of my parents’ pressure. In the new college also I made friends but they are not so close like my old friends. And here I don’t know why I have lost interest in studies. Before, at least I used to open my books but now even if I do so, after sometime I feel sleepy, or else I loose interest and close my books. I plan to study each day, but I keep thinking I will do it after some time and the day will be gone. With my own interest I took PCMB. I wanted to become a doctor. I know it is not so easy but seeing my marks I have lost confidence. My mom wanted me to take commerce and now she scolds me saying, “If you can’t, why did you take science?” There are only a few months left for my board exams. I am scared about my future. Please help me.

Likitha
Dear Likitha,

I notice that you are already speaking in past tense about your desire to become a doctor, as though it is something that is already not possible. I urge you not to give up your dreams so easily. But make sure it is something you want to do, and not something you are pursuing only to prove yourself to your parents (or anyone else). I also notice that you are labelling yourself as ‘average’ and are surprised by your performance in the 10th. Labels are very dangerous and we tend to live up to the labels we give ourselves. If you consider yourself as ‘average’ you will tend to fulfill that label for yourself. So take a few minutes to identify your strengths, and recognize your uniqueness and special abilities and qualities. You may have average capability in some areas but that does not make you ‘average’ as a person.

Each group of friends has a unique chemistry and energy. It cannot be replaced by another group in exactly the same way as no two groups will be alike. The new group will never be exactly like the old, but will have its own energy and positives.

You say you are scared about your future. What is your worst fear? I feel that this fear is overwhelming you and you are losing your motivation to study. Name your fears. When you name them, they are not as scary any more and often you realize that some of them may not even be rational. You need to find your own motivation to study. And this motivation has to come from you, not from your parents pushing you. After all, who will be the biggest beneficiary of your hard work?

All the best

Don't belittle any profession - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 2, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a BSc graduate from a good college with a percentage of 53. I completed my BEd in 2012 and scored 80%. I had backlogs in each semester of my degree. I am interested in doing regular MSc Physics, but am scared of failing. My father has suggested that I do a correspondence course of MSc and my mother is telling me to do regular MSc. I was a good student in school. I don't know why I have become so poor in studies after my 10 Std. I have lost confidence in myself. I want to move further. Help me.

Ayesha Amreen.

Dear Ayesha,

You say you have lost confidence in yourself and are scared of failing. I have written extensively about the fear of failure in this column before and I would like to direct you to my article on the subject in my blog. You can find it at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
You must name your worst fear about failure. What is the worst thing that will happen if you fail? Often when you answer that question honestly, you will realize that the thing you are most scared about, may be something that need not be that scary. It may be something that, even if it happened, you could survive and have a very meaningful life. Failure is just an event - an event that helps you learn several lessons. It does not have to be regarded as final, or fatal, but just as another learning opportunity. Failure is not YOU.

If you would like to do the regular MSc course, you must go ahead and do it. Don’t settle for correspondence because you believe you cannot do the regular degree. Do correspondence only if you have some better utilization of your time at the moment, and still want to go ahead with studying. Remember, you can and will be able to achieve anything that you set your mind to.

All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am 25 years old and have completed my PG in Social Work in 2011. I have no interest to work in that field. It was just the family pressure that made me join this course. I see no future for  me. I have lost confidence in myself. Please help me come out of this confusion.

Jerry Varghese

Dear Jerry,

I think you need to gain clarity for yourself on what you would like to do, and what you believe are your strengths and weaknesses. Choose a career that will leverage your strengths and won’t let your weaknesses come in your way. You may need the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult, who will help you in this exercise. The greatest disservice you can do to yourself is lose confidence. Confidence is the fuel that takes you to your destination. So get clarity on your strengths, help that identify a goal or destination, break that goal into smaller achievable milestones (or stepping stones) and then just stay focussed on your path and go after it. It is not your degree that will get you success (or failure) as much as your attitude, your confidence, your self-esteem, your ability to learn and your creativity.

All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am studying Computer Science  (8th semester) in Bangalore Institute of Technology. I am writing this letter to you because I am concerned about my future. I got placed in TCS which, of course, is a great thing that has happened to me by God's grace. But I am not too excited about it. I could have been better given my college's reputation.

My parents are very concerned about my future and are suggesting that I take up further studies like MTech or MBA, but not M. Whereas my brother, who is a software engineer, is asking me to take up a job, but not in TCS. I am completely confused about my future. As a result, I am not able to concentrate on my academics right now.

So through this mail, I am requesting you to suggest the correct path for my future, and I am open to any suggestions you make.

PS: I love cooking and am deeply interested in hotel management but I know it’s quite stupid.
Dear Student,

As I have said in this column many times before, I am not someone who can guide you on what course of study you should pursue, or what company you should take up a job in.

From your letter I got an understanding of what your parents want for you, and what your brother wants for you. However, I did not hear you say what you wanted for yourself! It is good to take everyone’s inputs but ultimately it must be your choice. And it must be a choice made based on rational thoughts about your future. So while evaluating your choices, identify your strengths and weaknesses, and analyze your opportunities and threats. In short, do a SWOT analysis and see where it leads you. Remember, whatever path you choose must play to your strengths, and must fit in line with goals that you have set for yourself. Work backwards and ask yourself what kind of job you’d like, what path would take you there, and therefore, what steps do you need to take now to set off on that path. Life is not a train journey on which you are trying to run errands for your parents and your brother, and other important people in your life. Life is a train journey on which you are trying to get to a destination of your choice. So pick your destination. And regarding cooking or hotel management, there is no such thing as a “stupid” career. Do not belittle any profession! Pick what you are really passionate about. Everyone else’s satisfaction and happiness will follow.

Dear Madam,

I am a student of class 12 and I want to be a doctor. But the problem is I don't want to be just a doctor, I want to be a great doctor! I want to help poor people in all the ways I can.

For that I know I have to study and score well in both my Board and NEET.

I want to do my medical course in a well equipped, modernized university which is out of the country. Can you please suggest some universities where I can apply and how to apply.

I am a bright student but when I sit to study I often loose my concentration. I want to achieve something in life. I just don’t want to waste it. My parents have huge dreams for me. I want to live up to those. I want to do it. However, I am also a very careless person. I take everything for granted. Even my studies.

I want you to please help me in my concentration, and help me achieve my dream!
I want to also add that I sometimes get really scared that, what if my dreams just remain a dream. I also want you to help me to get off my negative mind. I want you to help me and motivate me towards my goal!

Rashmitha Devraj
Dear Rashmitha,

I love your passion and your desire to excel. It is great that you want to make a difference with the kind of work you do, rather than stick to mediocrity. However, for that to happen, it is not necessary that you study abroad. Also, I am not the best person to guide you either on which universities are good, or on how you should go about it.

What I would like to say though is this - don’t get overly stressed by the results. Ensure you maximize your learning. Because, eventually, to become a great doctor, your learning, not your marks are going to make the difference. Sometimes we feel so pressured by the need to get marks, and so fearful of not getting the maximum marks, that we are unable to concentrate and focus on the learning.

How you define your success and failure is your choice. Don’t let anyone else define it for you. No one can help you achieve your dream other than yourself. But you must ensure, that it is your dreams you are chasing, and not that of your parents. Also, remember that dreams are your own creation, and are not constant or static. They change and evolve as you go along life’s journeys. And just like you create them, you can also alter them. So it is not that if you don’t achieve what you dream of right now, you would have failed at achieving your dreams. Your dreams itself may change. Looking into the future is something we do to guide us along our journey; not something to make us so fearful that we are not able to function.

Also, remember, that if they are your dreams, then you are not answerable to anyone for not achieving them. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, other than yourself.

All the best.

Don't let the world define you - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of October 18, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am doing my PUC. I scored 86.2 per cent in SSLC last year. I was confused about what I was going to take up in PU, and my sister suggested that I take up Science. Now I am worried about what to take up after PUC. I am having sleepless nights thinking about my future. Actually, I’m interested in many courses except engineering.

I’m interested in doing something different. The work which I do should give me happiness, it should be worth doing, and moreover I should feel proud about myself. My family supports me a lot. The problem with me is that I don’t like to sit in front of the computer for a very long time. I always dream about doing something creative. Actually I’m interested in MBBS, fashion designing, journalism, something related to agriculture,etc. Moreover, ours is a middle-class family where my parents can’t afford a large amount of money only for my studies. Also, students like me lack the information about various courses which have a very good scope.

After reading the article published in Deccan Herald on September 27, 2012, I felt like you are the one with whom I can share my problem and even ask for some solutions. So I, from the bottom of my heart, request you to give me some ideas for my future. Please advise me. I’ll be looking forward for your reply.

Priya

Dear Priya

I think your question is best answered by a career counsellor who can assess your strengths and interests and help you choose a career that you will enjoy. All I can say is that you are in the fortunate position of having many choices, in terms of interests, to choose from. And since your choices are very diverse in terms of the training you need for them, you need to narrow down your selection. 

I suggest you do an exercise for yourself. On a sheet of paper write down all your career choices. Then for each of those choices, analyse for yourself (or get the help of others in your family who seem to be very supportive of you) what your strengths are that will assist you in that line; what are your weaknesses that may hinder your progress; what are the opportunities available in that field, as you see them now; what are the costs involved in each of those options vs. what is the typical earning potential; what are among the best institutes to train for each of those options and what do you need to get admission into them; and, what do you feel is the future potential for that field. Once you do this exercise for each of the options you are considering, you may be able to narrow down your choices by realizing that either you are not a good fit, or the opportunities are not great, or that you don’t really have the special skills required to excel in that field. 

Apart from this exercise, you said that the work you do should give you happiness, it should be worthwhile, and it should make you feel proud. All these things are within your control. It is not the ‘work’ that will give you all these — it is your interpretation of how worthwhile you find the work, that will give you happiness and make you feel proud. That is not for the world to decide, but for you to decide for yourself. What worth you bring to the profession is something you must define for yourself. Don’t let the world define you. So, in continuation of the above exercise, you must also think about and write down what gives you happiness, and what about yourself makes you proud. 

How will you know that the work you do is worthwhile. What external signals will give you that information?

You said your fear about what you will do in future is preventing you from sleeping these days. What is your worst fear? Think about it. Sometimes fear is such an ambiguous amorphous thing that if we don’t define it for ourselves, it can take over your whole life. So what are you scared of? What is your worst fear, in case you make the wrong career choice, or the choice ends up not being that satisfying after all? Yes, some choices may be better than others, but every choice will eventually depend on what you make of it. And, no choice needs to be final or fatal, in the eventuality that you discover it to be wrong.

Hope this helps. Good luck

Focus on your strengths - Ask our counsellor Q & A column

The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 27, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I have completed my M.Sc (CS) with an aggregate of 73 per cent and I’ve been looking for a job for the past six months. As I have a very low score in my 10th and 12th I have less opportunity.
I feel very depressed to hear that all my other classmates got placed — even those with lower marks than me. I really don’t understand what’s lacking in me. The few companies in which I have cleared rounds, didn’t call me back for further rounds. I have lost faith in myself. My sister wants me to study abroad. But I am not sure if I should go abroad, as I’ve not even been able to do well here. The sad part is that I am very bad at programming, but I feel that if I have to study, I must take up computers. The problem with me is I don’t know what I’m good at. I want to work like everybody else, and my family feels that I’m not dull and have good grasping powers. But I don’t have confidence at all. I feel like trying out everything, but due to some failures I find it difficult to pursue anything further. Please help.
 
Sushma

Dear Sushma

I am glad you took the time to write to me. There are several things about your letter which make me hopeful, even though you say you have lost hope. Firstly, you seem to have a family that believes in you and is willing to stand by you, even though you don’t believe in yourself. You should not underestimate the value of a supportive family, and neither should you take it for granted.

It is not something everyone has, and you should feel thankful for it. To me this also means that you have strengths and capabilities that others can see in you but that you are not allowing yourself to see.

I would like you to take a few minutes and write down what you believe your strengths are. You may find this hard to do at first, given your current belief that there is nothing good about you. If you are unable to make progress with this on your own, try taking the help of someone you can trust in your family or extended support system. Being mindful of our strengths gives us the courage to draw on them when we are in challenging situations.

There are a couple of fallacies in your belief system that I seem to pick on. Firstly, that marks equal success. Marks may just open a few doors for you into the work place but will not guarantee success. Success in the workplace depends more on your self esteem than your marks — it depends on your confidence, your belief in yourself, your communication skills, your ability to work in a team, your leadership skills, your ability to think creatively and out-of-the-box, your ability to problem-solve, etc.

The reason you may not be getting to the next stage in your interviews may not be because of your marks, but because of your low self esteem which you may be communicating in other non-verbal ways. Read more about this on my blog at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

The second fallacy I see is your giving up in the face of failure. Failure is a part of the road to success, and is merely a stumbling block on the way. You cannot allow it to become an obstacle that blocks the whole path.

What you make of your failure is your choice. Do you choose to learn from it, or do you allow it to define you as a success or failure. Read more about this at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html .
The only thing that may be really lacking in you is your belief in yourself and your capabilities. And that’s easy to fix because it is entirely within your control. And, if you need help with it, take the help of a counselor or trusted family member, to do it. All the best

Tide over a crisis and look at life positively - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of August 29, 2012]

Dear Madam,

I am an engineering (Information Science) graduate looking for a job right now. I have a speech disorder where I repeat the words or sentences. I am more prone to doing it when I come to the last sentence of a page or when I reach the end of a chapter. No matter how much I try, I cannot control myself from repeatedly reading the last word or sentence over and over again. So I end up wasting a lot of time. This happens even while saying my prayers.

I have been battling with this form of speech disorder since Class VIII. I was extremely good at studies till Class VII and I always finished among the top three in class.  But from Class VIII onwards, my grades have been falling. I have never shared or discussed this with anyone. But recently, I came across an article on the Internet on Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, OCD. And mine is of  a repeating type of compulsion, a category of OCD. And the article has thrown light on many aspects of my life and my struggle with this speech disorder. I realised that it has had a great influence on my academics and my grades. I am slow at performing tasks and I always plan them out meticulously to avoid ruining my work.

I am lazy too. As a result, I have finished my engineering course with only 52 percentage. My main issue now is this difficulty and delay in learning. Please help me overcome this problem and become a quick learner like others. I want to study further as I have a slim chance of landing a job with low scores. But before that, I want to completely overcome my OCD of repeating words and hone my learning skills, so that I get good grades at the PG level. Please help.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

When I started reading your letter, I thought it sounded like you were suffering from OCD. I am glad you have been able to identify the problem and are now willing to address it. I am not sure which city you are in and what kind of access you have to mental health professionals. You can address the OCD to a point where it becomes manageable and allows you to lead a normal life. For this, you would need to see a psychiatrist and a counsellor who will help you.

The psychiatrist will prescribe you medication, which may help you bring the symptoms under control so that you can then start therapy. Alternately, if your symptoms are not very disruptive and severe, you may choose to do therapy alone. The kind of therapy you need, which has been proven to be most effective for OCD is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT. You can find plenty of information on this online. If you are not able to access a therapist who works in the space of CBT for OCD, you could consider using some online sites that provide this.

This therapy helps you tackle the symptoms in a gradual and systematic manner that will bring you relief. You could search for some books on the topic too which could help you understand the process. I recommend Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Dr Jonathan Grayson. Good luck.

Dear Madam,

I’m currently studying Information Science engineering. My PUC grades are not so good. I was interested in sports but didn’t seem to see any scope in that field. So I moved on and joined an engineering college even though I was not interested in the subject. Now I have lost a year due to poor scores.Will this affect my employment status in the future? I am in a lot of trouble. Please help. Sometimes, it is so frustrating that I want to commit suicide. I am very worried about my future.

XYZ

Dear XYZ,

I can understand your pain and confusion. Sometimes we end up pursuing paths that we are not interested in because of societal or parental pressure, or our own lack of awareness and understanding of interests, and then we can’t find the motivation to perform. Just finding a job should not be your goal. Your goal should be to find a job that you will enjoy and that will let you learn and grow.

And success in the workplace is not dependent on your marks. Your marks may get you an entry point, but ultimately how you perform will depend on what you make of the opportunity. And that is a function of your creativity, your communication skills, your ability to function in a team and lead a team, your ability to solve problems by finding solutions, your ability to think out-of-the-box, your confidence, your self-esteem and a host of other things.

These have nothing to do with marks. While marks are important to open doors, that is all they do. Meanwhile if you are feeling helpless and suicidal because of these, or other concerns, I sincerely urge you to see a counsellor, or contact a free support helpline to help you tide over the crisis and look at life positively.

Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of Aug 9, 2012]

Dear Madam,

No matter how hard I try, I always only manage to score about 60 per cent. My parents are always upset that I don’t get the best marks. They turn very angry after the results are announced. I get very depressed at such times, and it is very hard for me to forgive myself for scoring low. This happens every year. I don’t want to hurt my parents and don’t want them to be ashamed of me. But, I haven’t been able to fulfill any of their and my academic goals. I've started to lose faith in myself and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to score high marks.

I don’t have any true friends. Everyone hates me and talks things behind my back. They talk to me only when they need something. Everybody keeps avoiding me and don’t let me mingle in a group for any sort of activity. My presence has no meaning to anybody. I have tried very hard making friends but have been unsuccessful. Others seem to have a good time making fun of me. I am always alone at home during holidays/weekends. Things were not like this in school when I did not mind being lonely. But now I can’t tolerate it. I have become a common enemy. I haven’t caused any harm to anyone and I don’t know why people hate me. I feel very low and very stupid for scoring low and having no friends. Now I don’t feel anything at all and I don’t want to attend college.

All these years, I have not been able to prove myself to be more intelligent or beautiful or popular than the others. I’m afraid that in the future, I won’t be able to make any friends or relationships and will end up a loner. I don’t think I will be able to outshine others in any activity. I’m ashamed of facing my parents. I’ve lost all interest in life. I don’t have the strength to bear all this anymore and I feel like running away. What should I do to be a normal person? Waiting to hear from you
XYZ

Dear Student,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me in detail about all that is troubling you. There are many feelings that I pick up from your letter and I would like to address each one of these. However, I will not be able to do too much justice to each of one them here and earnestly urge you to see a counsellor who will help you work through your feelings.
Now, coming to your feeling of despair. First, I get a sense that because you feel you are hitting a bottom right now, you are not a ‘normal’ person. Let me reassure you that your feelings are ‘normal’ and many people feel this way at various stages in their life.

Second, you feel lonely and believe that no one likes you. Everyone around you seems to hate you, in your perception. You feel left out and alone. You feel everyone takes advantage of you and then moves on. You say nobody likes you. My question to you is this — do you like yourself? If you like yourself, then it does not matter if anyone else likes you or not. By the nature of your interactions with others, they will be forced to like you. If you don’t believe in yourself, and don’t think there is anything likable about you, then you start also believing that nobody else likes you. The only thing that matters is what you think about yourself. Maybe you should start by doing an exercise for yourself where you identify and write down your strengths.

You also don’t want to hurt your parents, and you feel pressured to perform up to their expectations. You feel that unless you get the marks, you are worthless, not only to them, but also to yourself. Somehow you seem to be taking on the responsibility of your parents’ feelings. Your parents are adults and will learn to deal with their own feelings. You need to be responsible for your own feelings, and believe in yourself. Even if you don’t get the marks, it does not mean that there is nothing in you to love or be proud of. Discover your strengths and feel good about them. That will give you the confidence to face the world. If you feel that you are only worthy to your parents if you get the marks, then you need to start believing in yourself and your worth. Not everyone gets the marks. But that does not mean that those people are not worthy or capable of success. Marks only open a few doors for you. What you make of your life after that is entirely dependent on your other qualities of communication, confidence, cooperation, creativity, leadership, etc. Your marks will not hold relevance then. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you fail at an exam it does not mean that you have failed as a person.

You can’t run away from life, and neither can you control what others say about you, or how they treat you. The only thing you can control is what you believe about yourself and your worth. And believe me, if you change that for the positive, a lot of the other things will fall in place.

Dig for gold, not for dirt

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald on May 10, 2012]

BUILDING BLOCKS
I recently attended a workshop where one of the things the trainer said in passing was that we must remember to “dig for gold, not for dirt.” The thought resonated through me and brought back a rush of memories of instances when this value had not been upheld, leading to disastrous consequences.

It would not be inaccurate for me to say that 80-90 per cent of the children and adolescents who come for counselling, come with issues of low self-esteem, and problems arising out of that. Their self-talk is about: “I am not good enough,” “I am not smart enough,” “I am not good looking enough,” “I didn’t do well in my test, so why should anyone be my friend?” “No one is talking to me,” “I can’t ask a question because the teacher may scold me and then the others will laugh at me.” and so on and so forth. Statements like these are all manifestations of low self-esteem.

The important thing is that none of these children were born this way. We, the parents, teachers, and other adults in their world, have made them this way, by our casual remarks, hurtful comments and uncaring ways.

We must be extremely careful about what we say, and how we say it. We may very casually call our child stupid, or dumb, or slow or incapable. But do we really want him/her to grow up believing that he/she is stupid or dumb or slow or incapable?

The parents of a primary school child came to me sometime back seeking help for their young son. They were very concerned after a teacher had pointed out many “problems” with the child during a recent parent-teacher meeting and had suggested that they meet the school counsellor. In my interaction with them, they said they were helpless and did not know how to deal with their son. Their choice of words sent a shiver down my spine because in my vocabulary you only “deal” with a “problem”! And a child is not a “problem”. If your child is a problem, then that attitude will reflect in everything that you do and say to him or her. And your child will soon start believing that he/she is a “problem”. The same holds true for teachers with respect to their students. If teachers consider a child to be a “problem”, then that is what he/she will become, and stay.

Not surprisingly, when I asked these parents what they had observed as their child’s strengths, neither parent could come up with anything, even though I tried asking the question in two or three different ways, at different points in our session together.

Now, to me that is the “problem” that we needed to “deal” with. Not the child.
It should come as no surprise then that many children grow up believing there is nothing special about them, because these parents were not unique.

Making a child ‘visible’ in the eyes of parents, teachers, and other adults is very important. But to make them visible when they are being good and doing good, rather than when they are being bad, can have a significant impact on your child’s mental make up. This is a powerful tool.

For parents and teachers
Elders can instill confidence in children by simply keeping their eyes and ears open,  listening to the kind word, noticing the neat work, watching out for good behaviour, and acknowledging the effort.

Make sure there is at least something good you have noticed, and acknowledged, in your child every day. And, if everyday seems too daunting a task to begin with do it, at least every week.

You’d be surprised when you realise how rarely you have been applauding your son or daughter for his/her effort. In fact some kids have probably never received appreciation from their parents. Yet, this negligence goes unnoticed all the time.

Remember to dig for gold. Do it every day till it becomes a habit. And scrub the gold to make it shine even more, rather than just trying to brush off the dirt and “dealing” with the mess thus created.

Nobody is perfect - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on April 26, 2012]

Dear Madam, 
    
I am a BA final-year student. My aim is to become an English teacher. I come from a poor family. And I have never been able to score more than 80 per cent. Exams make me nervous and I lose confidence.

I am confused about my future as I don’t know whether to pursue a Master’s in Arts or a B.Ed degree. My questions are:

-How can I gain courage and confidence?
-What is good for me, MA or B.Ed?
-How can I leverage my  growth opportunities in teaching?

Sanjeev M A 

Dear Sanjeev,
Your questions about getting more opportunities to grow in teaching are probably better answered by those who are currently in the field of education, or career counsellors. As far as doing an M.A or a B.Ed, again I am not the best person to answer this, but my guess is that if you really want to grow as a teacher, you would eventually need to do both. And if you want to teach at the college level, you may even benefit by doing a Ph.D. What I am going to address in this column is the lack of confidence that you are faced with.

Confidence is a function of your ability to feel strong about yourself. You can do this by recognising your strengths and weaknesses; by gaining strength from your strengths and accepting your weaknesses so that you can overcome them or live with them, whichever you choose to do. We lack confidence when we believe that we should be a ‘perfect’ person that we are not, and that everyone else is. When we recognise our strengths and accept our weaknesses, we feel more capable and confident about facing the world. We need to realise that no one is perfect, not even the person we idolise. And, just like no one is perfect, neither are we. So we are not worse off than anyone else.

Only when we are able to accept ourselves, are we able to feel confident about facing the world. So
do some introspection and identify your strengths. If your mind is pre-occupied with the fact that you don’t get the marks, you will never be able to truly concentrate on what you are trying to do. All the best.

Never Lose Hope -Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of Jan 25, 2012]

Dear Madam,
I am a 23-year-old, third year engineering student. I want to become an entrepreneur (businessman) and then branch into psychology. How can I achieve this? I want to meet and attend talks by Vishweshwar Bhatt and other such successful entrepreneurs. I want to set up a business venture after I complete engineering. Please advise.
ABC

Dear ABC,
Let me try and simplify your thoughts in this question first. You have a dream of becoming an entrepreneur and setting up a business and may be pursue a second line of work at a later stage in life. You are looking for guidance on how you can achieve this and would like to find a mentor who can help you polish your skills and guide you to success. You seem to think that by attending seminars by successful people, or spending time with them, you will somehow imbibe the techniques which you can replicate.

Well, yes, getting a mentor to guide you can be helpful, especially if you are not in a situation where someone from your family or friends can play that role. However, there is no one formula of success that they all use, and many devise their own formulas as they go along.

So even if you do not currently have access to them, do not feel that there is no hope. I am sure you have access to teachers and others in your college who will be happy to play the role of mentors. Talking to them, expressing your desires and fears, will help you straighten out your thoughts and gain clarity on your path forward. Once you have clarity on your path, you will know how to proceed. Remember, however, to break up your ultimate goals into smaller achievable goals so that you can get a taste of success as you go along. Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am a 25-year-old male. I have always studied in Kannada medium (school and college). I have a huge complex with regard to my communicative skills in English. I can’t express my thoughts and emotions in English. I cannot speak fluently and I make grammatical mistakes. I have dreams of living in a foreign country. Or maybe becoming an IAS officer one day. I lack the confidence to speak in English in public. Please help me. This has been a huge issue for me. I have even contemplated suicide and I have lost the will or confidence to succeed in life.
Student

Dear Student,
I understand that you have a dream of speaking fluent English and see that as a passport to success in life. That is something that is easily achievable because you want to do it, and you are willing to work hard for it. There are many English language classes you can attend. I don’t know which part of Karnataka you are based in and if you have access to such classes. But, I am sure if you are keen on it, you will find a way to get to the classes.

What I would really like to address in this question is why you are allowing this to cause you so much emotional distress. You say that you even attempted suicide because of your distress on this account. If ever you feel that way again, or even if you don’t but want to settle your emotions regarding this, I suggest you see a counsellor, or use one of the free counselling helplines where you will be able to discuss your concerns in a confidential manner.

If you believe in yourself and your capabilities, then you will be comfortable telling your friends that while English may not be your current strength area, you would like to focus on learning it and they should help you if they can. If you are aware of your other strengths (of which I am sure you have many), you will be able to take their input as a feedback and turn it to your advantage and ask them for help instead. If you believe that you are actually not very capable then you take their laughter as an attack on you and feel hurt about it.

Don’t pretend that you are good at the language. Instead try telling them that you would like to learn English better and they should help you if they can. If we are honest about our weaknesses and our desire to learn (which we can only do if we are confident about ourselves), then people find it admirable rather than amusing.

It becomes amusing when we pretend to be a master and our lack of skill comes through. And we often put on this facade of being an expert because we are afraid of saying that we don’t know something. So, tell yourself that you are an expert when you actually are. And, when you are not, have the courage to tell yourself that you may not be an expert yet, but you are still worth it, and you are still valuable.

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10, ICSE student and I am really tense about my performance in the upcoming preparatory exams. Last time, due to stress, I only caught an hour of sleep before the day of the exam and I ended up forgetting what I had studied. My parents tell me not to get tense, but I always end up feeling stressed out, anxious and tense before I enter the examination hall. Please give tips on how to study before an exam and on how to remain calm before writing an exam.
Student

Dear Student,
You are not alone in feeling tense before an exam. Many students feel the same way, which is why I wrote an article some time back on the same topic. Please read it at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html. I think it will help you put things in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it seems like the most important thing in the world, and it appears like your whole life depends on it. When you give it this kind of importance, and allow it to be the most defining event of your life, you are naturally going to feel stressed and tense about the outcome.

Know Emotional Abuse

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald Living supplement on November 26, 2011]
 
Self-esteem must allow for self-expression, not self -justification, says Maullika Sharma

The self-esteem of our children is something we parents pay the least attention to. We worry about their food, clothes, discipline,  health, marks, extracurricular accomplishments, and the lack of them. But how many of us worry about our child’s self-esteem?

Low self-esteem in children can lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, under achievement, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of happiness, substance abuse and aggression. It influences a child’s ability to learn, grow, be creative, relate to others, make smart choices in life, and achieve goals. Self-esteem is thus the most important determinant of a person’s mental health and the most important thing a parent can focus on.

So what is self-esteem? It’s our confidence in our ability to handle life successfully, to think and understand the world, to make accurate judgments, decisions and choices. It does not mean a lack of self-doubt; what it means is that if you make a mistake, you’re confident enough to bounce back.

Another component of self-esteem is self-respect — that you judge yourself worthy of living and reaping the rewards of your efforts. It’s in knowing that you’re a good person, deserving of happiness and success. Lack of self-respect impedes an individual’s ability to be happy. It means that you may not aim to achieve anything much, because you don’t think you deserve it. It means the person will not stand up for himself and assert his needs and boundaries.

Self-esteem is the way we think and feel about ourselves. It’s the feeling that, “I’m important”, “I’m worthy”, “My needs are important” and “I’m good enough and accept myself, with all my strengths and weaknesses”.  How we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we achieve, with whom we fall in love, how we interact with our spouse, children or friends.  

How is self-esteem shaped?
It’s shaped by messages (verbal and non-verbal) we receive from significant adults early on in life; by messages we receive based on cultural traditions; and, by our own ideas, beliefs, and values. As a child, if you’ve been told by your parents that you aren’t good enough, you step into the workplace, marriage, and other relationships, believing that you’re not good enough. You spend your time trying to prove yourself, to yourself and to others. If your aim is to prove that you’re ‘enough’, the battle is lost the day you concede the issue is debatable. Your motive must not be to prove yourself, but to live out your possibilities. Your motive must be self-expression, not self-justification.

Low self-esteem has many faces. We only think of physical or sexual abuse that evoke traumatic feelings of powerlessness. But, often we make our children feel that they can’t do anything right; that they don’t count; that they are alone; that they are terrible; that they are unlovable; that they are a failure; that they are hopeless; and, that they hate themselves. If your child ends up feeling like this, then, it is a case of emotional abuse.
And this is a scary thought since all of us are probably guilty of this, without even realising it.

How to nurture self-esteem
Children need to make sense of their experiences. Within a family, this means adults who walk the talk; say what they mean, and mean what they say. It means rules that are consistent, understandable and fair. It means parents who are emotionally stable and who acknowledge their mistakes. A child’s repeated experience of terror at the hands of adults can have lasting, harmful consequences.  The greater a child’s fear and the earlier it’s experienced, the harder it is to build a healthy sense of self.

An effective parent can convey anger and disappointment without withdrawing love. As a parent, do you demand perfection and focus only on the outcome, or do you acknowledge the effort? If love is linked to performance, the child understands “I am not enough as I am” and no self-esteem can be built on a foundation of not being enough. Unconditional love is the cornerstone of self-esteem.

Acceptance of one’s thoughts and feelings is conveyed not by agreement, or chastising, lecturing, and insulting, but by listening and acknowledging. Be careful of what you say to your children, and how you say it. When parents convey love, appreciation, empathy, acceptance and respect, they make a child feel visible.

The ultimate objective is to make a child independent. We must teach children to identify and set goals, and assist them in achieving them — not by doing the work, but by providing the coaching needed. Our praise must be genuine. Criticism must be directed at the child’s behaviour, not at the child. No good is ever achieved by assaulting a child’s self-esteem. If we can rebuke without demeaning a child’s dignity, and can respect a child’s self-esteem even when angry, we’ve achieved the most challenging task of parenting.

Making mistakes is integral to learning. How we respond to mistakes, ours or our children’s, is critical. We don’t need to pretend that we’re perfect. We just need to be accepting of ourselves with all our strengths and weaknesses, and be accepting of them with all their strengths and weaknesses. Teaching your child to handle stress is also important. This is a direct spin-off of how we handle stress. Do we welcome change, or do we fear it; do we feel in control, or do we become helpless; do we find solutions or are we stuck at defining the problem; do we tackle tough decisions, or do we put them off?

It’s time for us, adults, to think about the impact we’re having on the self-image of the children in our care. Over 75 per cent of Indian children who come for counselling, struggle with self-esteem. It leaves me wondering how we could go so horribly wrong with our parenting. How could we, who value our children the most, not teach them to value themselves?

Confidence is what you need most - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald dt October 20, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 9 student. There were many programmes conducted in our school to choose a career. I am scared to choose a field as I doubt my abilities to succeed. I am good with Math when it comes to classroom exercises but I don’t perform well with competitive exams like NISE, NSTSE, UCO. I want to be an optimistic person. Please help.
Abhishek

Dear Abhishek,
You are at the stage in life where you are beginning to realise the responsibilities of growing up and making it on your own. However, it is important that you make a career out of something that you enjoy and are passionate about it. This will ensure that you have fun along the way. And, in the process, if you are also successful, that is a bonus. It is extremely important that you be able to define success for yourself. How will you know that you have been successful (whether as a lawyer, or as a doctor, or as any other professional)? It is important that you know what ‘being successful’ means to you. If you don’t have your own definition, then society and others around you will define it for you, and you may end up chasing an ever-moving target. Also, what success means to you, maybe completely different from what success means to someone else. For someone, it may mean owning a large house. For someone else, it may mean being able to afford a foreign trip every year. For yet another person, it may mean treating the weak back to health, irrespective of how much money you make. And for another it may mean having a happy family life. So what does success mean for you? Define that, and then chase after that target.
Also, don’t be fearful of failure, because failure is but another stepping stone to success. The important thing is to be able to treat any failure as a mere roadblock, or obstacle, that you can work around and overcome. Remember, no success is final, and failure is fatal. Life is merely a journey, and success and failure are merely sign-posts on the way.
The reason you may be good at Math in school but not in competitive exams is because in school you are operating within your comfort zone. You may be memorising questions, without actually learning the principles involved. Focus on learning, rather than on the marks. The marks will follow, once the learning happens.

Dear Madam,
I have completed an MSc in Biochemistry with 59.05 per cent marks. I want to go in for higher studies but I lack the confidence to follow my dreams. My scores in Class 10 and 12 were rather low.
Is it possible to continue in this field? I want to get into research.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
While marks are important in opening some doors, they are not the only thing that will determine success. What the work place needs today, more than marks, is self-esteem — which is your ability to love yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses. Self-esteem drives your self-confidence, your self-belief, your ability to communicate, your ability to think out-of-the-box, your inter-personal relationships, your creativity, and a whole lot of other parameters of success. What worries me is not your marks, but your lack of confidence in yourself. If you have the confidence, but not the marks, you can still make a mark. However, if you have the marks, but no confidence in your abilities, then the chances of succeeding are bleaker. I think you need to look at the reasons for your lack of confidence and take the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult, to help you build it.

About Success and Self Esteem : Ask our counsellor Q&A Column March 24, 2011

The following queries answered by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on March 24, 2011

Dear Madam
I am currently studying in 11 Std and am doing science. I scored 9 CGPA in 10 standard. I want to become a doctor, but I am being distracted from my studies in school. I know that this is the age to study, but some boys come and say that I look very cute and ask me to accept their proposal. Thinking I may not get such a nice person ever again I gravitate towards him! But, first of all, is it necessary to have a boyfriend? And, what is love? Please tell me what to do?

Distracted Student

Dear Distracted Student

I understand that you have a feeling that you may never find a ‘nice’ boy again and that drives you to getting distracted with the current boy who is pursuing you. I would like you to think about it. Why do you feel that you will never find another boy? Do you believe that you are not good enough and therefore should grab whoever is coming your way right now? I have written some articles earlier on the topics of self esteem and self image which can be found at http://archive.deccanherald.com/Content/May22009/living20090501133620.asp and http://www.deccanherald.com/content/97262/how-balanced-your-seesaws.html. Read them if you get a chance. You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you are good enough to find an appropriate partner whenever you are ready for it.

I also get a sense that you may be getting distracted because you feel you must have a boyfriend, otherwise you won’t be ‘cool’ enough amongst your peers. A boyfriend is not ‘something’ that you must have, but rather someone whom you are able to connect with as a friend, and at an emotional level. He is someone who loves you for who you are, and not because it is ‘cool’ to be with you. He is someone you feel comfortable with. There is no such age as the right age to love, and the right age to have a boyfriend. When you find the right person you will know.

If you are distracted, then you must consciously try to retain your focus on what you are meant to do — i.e. study. Remember, now is the time to work towards your goals. If, as you say, you want to become a doctor, then you probably have a lot of work to do. If you are able to achieve your goals everything else will fall into place later. If you miss out on your goals now, you may not get another chance to achieve them later. Unfortunately, there is a sequence of events in life, and sometimes doing things in the wrong order may spoil the eventual outcome.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a student of BE final year. I have not been able to clear the aptitude tests of 3 companies. Even though I work hard I am unable to get short listed. I scored 80.83% in my 12th and 85.92% in my 10th exams. My academic result is 65.373%. What shall I do now?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t think you should feel disheartened so early on in your search. If you have not cleared 3 aptitude tests, it does not mean that you are not good enough. It just means that you have not done well in those tests, and that you need to hone your skills in appearing for those tests some more. See it as an opportunity to develop your skills, like a test of mock exams before the final ones. Remember, failure is never a person.

If we use that failure as an opportunity to learn something, then it is not a failure at all. Also, remember, that success in the workplace is not a function of your marks. Success in the workplace is a function of other skills. What the workplace needs today is not marks, but self-esteem.