Focus on What You can Control - Ask Your Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald on July 13th 2017]

Image for representation.

Dear Madam, 

I am an extremely shy person. As a result, I often get bullied for not talking and socialising with others, and get called studious and serious all the time. However, this is not the case. How can I overcome this situation?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It may be helpful for you to understand your shyness a little more. Shyness often is the result of fear of the judgement of other people. We fear what they will think about us and how they will judge us. We fear a negative impression that we may make on them. We fear that if we interact with them, then they will come to know who we really are and their opinion of us will not be good. We predict this negative judgement from others about us. So, try and talk to a counsellor who may be able to understand this fear of judgment and help you interact with others more easily. Being shy is different from being an introvert. Being an introvert means you prefer to be by yourself in a quiet, less stimulating environment. Being shy means you fear negative judgment. Decide who you truly are and then act accordingly.

Dear Madam, 
I am a recent graduate and will soon start working in a corporate environment. However, as this is my first job, I fear that I may not fare well in my new role. How can I overcome this fear and give my best?
Recent graduate

Dear Recent graduate,

A first job is an exciting time. You are about to enter the next phase of your life. Congratulations! Remember, success in the workplace is more often a result of your confidence, your ability to learn on the job, your ability to solve problems and think out of the box, your ability to be an effective team member, and a leader, your communication skills and several other such soft life skills, than your existing knowledge about the job. That is something you are meant to learn on the job, not necessarily possess beforehand. Your ability to learn quickly and adapt to situations is what will hold you in good stead. All change is scary and often difficult because it requires you to step out of comfort zone. It may be helpful to talk this through with a counsellor who can help you understand why you are interpreting it negatively and what your fears are. Good luck and give yourself a chance before being a fortune-teller who predicts failure!

Dear Madam, 
I tend to worry and fret over tiny things that occur due to circumstances beyond my control. Due to this, I am unable to finish the task at hand. What can I do to 
ensure that I do not get stressed?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I think it is important for each one of us to focus only on what we can control. We often have a need to control everything that is going on, not only in our lives, but sometimes even in the world. The reality is that we cannot control anything outside of ourselves. We cannot control our family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, the man on the road, the weather, the world. There will always be things, people and events that we cannot control. We can only control ourselves – our thoughts and perceptions, how we interpret things and people around us, and how much we allow them to rule us and influence us. So, whenever you feel you are getting into this downward spiral, ask yourself what you can control and focus only on that. Let the rest of the world go on. And if you have difficulty doing this on your own, take the help of a counsellor. In case you cannot access a counsellor, call the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 76766 02702.

Dear Madam, 
As a Class 12 student of Science, I am often expected to either get into Engineering or Medicine. However, I do not have interests in either of them. As I am artistic, I either want to take up interior design or be an artist. While my parents support me, they do not fully agree with my career choice. How can I make them understand my choice and create a balance between my passion and work in the future? Kindly guide.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Your parents will be happy, so long as you are happy. Talk to them about your passion for the field, what you hope to achieve, how you think it will be fulfilling for you. But more importantly, talk about how you plan to make a living in that field. That is probably their utmost concern and if you are able to help them see your point of view and understand your plan, it may put some of their fears to rest. But to do that, you must give it some thought yourself and see how you are going to leverage your interest and passion to make a living. This process will force you to think through your options and take the necessary steps to not only pursue a particular area of interest, but to pursue it with a passion that will make you excel in it and make a difference. It may be helpful to talk to people in the field to get ideas from them and understand what you need to do in your journey to succeed. Once your parents understand your passion for the field and are confident that you have thought this through, they will come around, because ultimately, all that they would want is ultimately for you to be happy. Good luck!

No right or wrong decisions - Ask Your Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald education page on March 3, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am a 2nd year BBA student and interested in sports management. However, I dream of becoming a professional footballer and pursue a job to sustain myself. Considering the scenario of Indian football, it is a risky option with many Indian parents against it. So I am in a fix as to what I can do. 

I need work experience to pursue MBA abroad and it requires at least three years of work experience and I don’t want to later regret in life that I didn’t give it a try to fulfill my dream of being a professional footballer. 

I am really confused. Is it a dead end? Do I have some hope? I also do realise that it’s up to me to perform in order to become a full time footballer. I really need advice. Please help.
Regards
Anonymous

Dear potential footballer,
There are some choices in front of you. You are at a fork and you need to choose the path you want to go down. There are no right and wrong answers. Any path that you choose will bring with it some advantages, and some disadvantages. 

You need to take stock of what you think is a plus of going down a certain path, and what is a minus of going down that path, and then evaluate where your relative gain is more. Remember the perception of cost or benefit has to be yours, and yours alone. Everyone will have a different perception of what is an advantage and what is not. 

Doing this exercise will force you to evaluate your internal reasons for liking a particular path, and also your priorities and values in life. What will give you happiness is a question only you can answer. Once you have made your selection, you would logically be choosing the path that will give you more happiness. 

Ultimately parents want their children to be happy. The dissonance arises because they feel they know what will make their child happy, especially in the absence of the child having given it any thought. 

But if you spend time on understanding what you want and what will make your happy, you can then convince your parents on what path is best for you. So think about it…
All the best!

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing my engineering final year. In my PUC, I had a choice to choose between medicine and engineering for I had got a good rank in both of them. I chose engineering for I had goals in that stream and felt I was not comfortable with medicine. This was against the wishes of my family. 

I failed to get placed in my dream company (though it was not my ultimate goal). I am disappointed in myself. I am not able to concentrate on the preparation for my competitive exams. I feel I am not capable. The fear of failure always haunts me. 

A question of whether I made a wrong decision haunts me. I always fear of letting down my parents. I have realised that due to this problem I have lost my ability to concentrate. I have become too negative and lost my peace of mind.  I want to come out of this situation and work hard. Please help.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
There are no right and wrong decisions in this case. There are choices, and each choice was equally good. You chose a particular fork in the road based on your judgement and that is a perfectly valid choice, whatever the reasons. 

Just because you have not got place in a company you would have liked, does not mean that was a wrong choice, or that you are a failure. All that it means is that you did not get that job. That door closed, but there are many more that are open and that you can explore. Just because you failed to get one job does not mean that you are a failure in totality. Remember failure is always an event, never a person. Also, that failure is not the end of the road. 

There are several things that you would have learnt from that experience which will help you be better prepared before the next door opens up. Please read my article about this in my blog http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html.

Believe in yourself and your capabilities. Your parents may be disappointed that you did not do medicine but ultimately this is about you and your career. They will want you to be happy and succeed at whatever you choose to do. All you need to do is know your own definition of success and try to live up to other people’s definitions of success, or allow others to define success for you. 

If you have access to a counsellor, a few sessions may help you overcome this current struggle. Or you can call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323 to get a help to understand your situation in a more helpful way.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am pursuing my MSc in Life Sciences and I am in the final semester. I recently involved myself in a cultural festival organised in my college. 

I enjoyed my job of coordinating an event to such a large extent that I wish to make a career in event management. Also I was fortunate enough to do a 3 months multidisciplinary course in event management in my college, which I enjoyed and learnt a lot from. This was the time when I thought of building my career in it. 

I believe that I can do my best in the field of event management, as I love to learn something new every day and I like the creative aspects of it as well, wherein we can’t just sit in one place but instead have to involve our self to the fullest.

Now I am in a dilemma about what I should do. My family wants me find a job related to my studies. But, I can’t find any company that employs students from my field. Please help me.
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
You should do what you enjoy and will be able to contribute the most to. You should do something that will give you a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment. You should do something that will not only help you meet your basic needs, but also fulfil your higher level needs of self-actualisation and help you grow as a person. 

But what that something is, and which path of the fork you should choose, only you can answer. You must answer it truthfully, for yourself. You must answer it keeping in mind not only your short-term current interests, but also long-term needs and goals. 

Something to keep in mind is that event management is something you can always come back to, should a job in your field of study not interest you. However, the reverse transition may not be that easy.

Keep Faith in Yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of February 11, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in IX in Bengaluru. I have many problems in my studies. I am not able to concentrate on my studies and I do not know the reason. One more problem is that I want to become a fashion designer. I am very passionate about it. I am not able to decide what subjects I should opt for in 11th. I cannot opt for arts as no one in my family will let me study arts because they tell me that arts is not at all useful. Kindly guide me on this aspect. And please let me know how I can improve my concentration.

Pooja K
Dear Pooja,

When you are in the 9th, the subjects you are going to do in the 11th standard is not something you need to decide right now. As far as I know you need to decide your subjects only in the middle of your 10th standard. At this point of time, what subjects you eventually choose does not have any bearing on what you do right now, because for now you have to do all subjects, and attempt to do all subjects as well as you can. So don’t create an additional hurdle in your mind that is not allowing you to proceed because you don’t know what to do in the 11th. The two are not related right now. 

Also, even if you want to pursue fashion designing as a career, you can do so with whatever subject you choose in the 11th. It is important for you to remember that your career choices may change as you grow older, and they often do. Most people don’t have a firm choice as early as 9th standard. So it is always safer to make subject choices which keep your options open so that you have the possibility of choosing a different path.

As for your concentration, you need to understand what thoughts are causing you to get distracted. It is often helpful to do some deep breathing when you are distracted, and bring you focus back. I would need to understand what is distracting you in more detail to be able to help you. Maybe you can call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 to talk to a counsellor who can help you with this. All the best.

Dear Madam

I am presently studying 2nd year BE. In the first year, I have scored FCD (first class with distinction). However, I feel that my interest towards studying is decreasing and I sometimes feel that I may fail. I don’t know why this is so. During the exam time, I feel more sleepy and I can’t even read for two hours continuously.  I tried studying by sitting in the library but couldn’t and I can’t see myself lagging behind. Can you suggest ways to help me?

Potential engineer
Dear potential engineer,

I hear you say two things – the first is that you are scared of failure. This fear is what is potentially holding you back from being able to perform at your best and put in your best effort. The second thing I hear you saying is that you can’t see yourself lagging behind. In some ways the two things are linked, but there are some differences.
I urge you to read this article on the subject of failure: 

http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html 

We need to learn to view failure, not as something to be dreaded, but as something which helps us understand our limits and learn from the experience. Failure is never a person but an event. So if you fail in an exam, it does not mean that you have failed, all it means is that you have failed at an exam. There may be several other things that you will succeed at. Instead of viewing failure as a final blow, we have to learn to take it in its stride, because some amount of failure in life is inevitable and the sooner we learn to deal with it, the better.

The second issue about not being able to see yourself lagging behind is also related to the same concept. You need to build your sense of self-worth based not only on your academic performance but on other qualities of your personality as well. I think it will be helpful for you to get the help of a counsellor to help you deal with these too aspects, because these are easy to understand if you spend the time to do it, but if you don’t they have the potential to derail you from your path. 

You don’t need to be successful at everything you do, even though that may be a preferred choice. You need to focus on completing the marathon that is life, not on winning every sprint. All the best.

Be your own hero - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on September 10, 2016]

Dear Madam,
My daughter is currently studying in PUC (commerce) second year in Mount Carmel College. She has scored 90 per cent in SSLC and 91 per cent in PUC first year. She is interested in arts (dancing, singing, acting) but due to our pressure, she goes to college. Initially, she had decided to take up CA so as to avoid science but she’s now decided to wait for second year PUC results to zero in on a field. Could you please suggest a future course of action for her? 
N Manjunath

Dear Manjunath,
I am not a career counsellor, and as such, have very little to add in terms of what would be a good career choice for her. It is best you involve her in the decision, rather than some random stranger like myself. She knows her passion and interests best, and she is the one who has to live with the choice that she makes. So, it is only fair that she have a say in it. If your daughter is passionate and talented in the creative fields and is able to maintain good academic scores as well, then you really should not be worrying about her. The important thing for you at this stage, as a parent, is to maintain an open communication with her and be on the same side of the decision-making process as her, rather than on the opposite side.

It is best not to make it a us (i.e., parents) versus her situation, but rather create an environment in which you all participate in this decision-making process together to arrive at what you all collectively feel and think would be the best bet for her future success. There is not much to be gained in her getting ‘stuck’ in a field in which she has no interest, only due to ‘parental pressure’. I am sure you have your reasons for wanting her to pursue a particular field, and she will have her reasons to want to pursue other fields. The key lies in everyone being on the same side and understanding each other’s point of view and allowing for differences in perspective. There really is no replacement for genuine authentic communication. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I was raised to be very dependent on my parents. While some kids were already doing things like cooking or cleaning by themselves at age 12, my parents always did those things for me and my brother. It’s not a bad thing but I am almost 18 now and worried that I won’t be able to do much for myself or live on my own after high school. Kindly help.
An overly dependent child

Dear overly dependent child, 
It is really heart-warming to receive your letter. In this generation, I think there may be many children in your situation, who may not even recognise this as a problem. Given that the current generation of parents typically have only one or two children, there is a tendency to ‘over-parent’, ‘over-protect’ and ‘over-do’. However, the fact that you recognise it, and are aware of the negatives of this (even though there are also great advantages to be at the receiving end of such love and attention) leaves me with no doubt that you will live up to whatever is demanded of you when the situation and the need arises. And if you are concerned about not being able to do it later, maybe you should start doing it now. Start doing the things that you would like to be able to do for yourself, and don’t be ‘too dependent’ on your parents. 

Dependence is a two-way process between the one who creates the dependence and the one who accepts and receives it. So, do your bit to wean off the dependence and you will be surprised at how independent you can be. Go ahead, give it a shot! All the best.

Dear Madam,
Many people around me have been asking me about my career choice of lately. But I am struggling to zero in on a field. I am the kind of person who will enjoy anything as long as a good atmosphere with the right kind of people is guaranteed. I have always enjoyed and understood science, particularly chemistry and have recently become very interested in psychology. Initially, I thought I could combine the two and possibly study medicine and then psychiatry. However, I am unsure as to whether psychiatry is the right career for me and whether I would enjoy it in the future. I guess I would prefer to work in a lab rather than in a space that requires me to interact directly with  people, although the concept of being a teacher strangely appeals to me. Kindly help me out.
A confused student

Dear confused student,
You might want to begin with some aptitude testing to see what your natural inclinations are and what you enjoy. For this, you should probably take the help of a career counsellor. Also, spend some time understanding yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses, what you enjoy and what interests you, and what you are passionate about. You seem to be in an enviable situation where you have the option of having many choices in front of you, each of which could be an equally good option. 

Try talking to people you know (or someone you know knows), who are working in the various fields you are considering — ask them what it involves, what are good skill sets to have, what a typical day looks like, the growth prospects and the challenges of their field. And then make an informed decision. 

However, remember that there is no one ‘perfect’ answer to your question; there may be several equally good options. The important thing is to go down one path and give it your best shot knowing that you have the potential to make a success of whatever you set your mind and heart to. And if you do decide on a path and realise after some time, for whatever reason, that you made a sub-optimal choice, you can switch paths. It may entail a little hardship and loss of time and money, but it is possible. In the words of John Wooden, it is important to remember that no matter what, “Success is never final, and failure is never fatal, it’s courage that counts.” Wish you good luck!

Recognize your strengths - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education page on July 30, 2015)

Dear Madam,
I am a final year engineering student (ECE) in Hubli, Karnataka. During my childhood I wanted to become a scientist and join NASA as I was interested in space. But after completing my second year PU, I don't know what has happened to my goal and my ambitions! 

From being a good student I have become   become average and study  only to pass examinations. I sometimes try to motivate myself to study but it does not last for very long.  Also, I am very addicted to technology and I am unable to come out of it. My campus placements are going to happen next week and I wanted to get placed, but I am not able to study. Please help me.

Mayur M Naravani
Dear Mayur

By the time you get a response to your letter your campus placements may already be over. However, no matter what the outcome of that, I think it is important for you to get the help of a counsellor to help you regain your motivation, uncover your hidden potential and add meaning to your life. 

Obviously your addiction to technology, while it is fulfilling a need for you, it is also coming in the way of your attaining your potential. Any kind of addiction is bad because it makes you dependent on an external factor for your own existence. NIMHANS, in Bangalore, has expert help available to help people deal with technology addiction, should you choose to take that help. 

It is great that you are able to recognize that you have greater potential and that something is blocking you in achieving it. Recognition is the first step. Now get the help you need to help you identify what is blocking you, and how to go full-steam ahead and achieve whatever it is you choose to.

Dear Madam,

I have a Diploma in Electrical and Electronics with 74.67% from Hubli, Karnataka. Due to lots of problems at home I dropped my PU course and completed diploma in E&E. As my family cannot afford engineering financially, I have to begin working. 

Please suggest how I can start to look for jobs and build my career and work passionately. I plan to join B.Com as a external student with a recognized university (Karnataka University Dharwad). Please guide me.
A Student
Dear student

Your question is really meant for a career counsellor to guide you on how to go about deciding on your next step, and maybe possibilities of funding your education through loans and/or scholarships. I really have no expertise in helping you with that. However, I would like to say that even if you don’t have the formal qualifications, with the right attitude and motivation you can learn and progress as you wish. Sometimes qualifications only open a few doors. 

Eventually making a success of those openings is an entirely different story and depends on the person’s soft skills more than anything else, like the ability to communicate, the ability to take risks, the ability to solve problems and think creatively, the ability to work in a team and leadership skills, among other things. So get started, give it your best shot, and keep climbing from step to step – but also remember to look back and take stock of where you started from and how far you have come.

All the best
Dear Madam,

I have completed my 2nd PUC Science and I am very poor in Maths. While I am interested in taking up 5 year law course, my father however wants me to do engineering. I don’t want to regret  taking up engineering even after knowing that it is not suitable for me. I’m confused. Please help me by telling how I can convince my father. Also tell me what the scope for law is.

Shivakumar
Dear Shivakumar

I think you and your father need to have an honest open communication about what you should do. You need to understand why your father wants you to do engineering. I am sure he wants the best for you, and thinks that engineering is the only route to achieve that. You should also be clear and communicate to him about why you want to do law, why you think it is the right choice for you, and why you think engineering is not for you.

I totally agree with you that you should not enter a field that you do not have any interest in.  However, it is in your interest to carry your family along with you in your decision. To do that you may need to do some introspection and self-analysis to figure out why you feel your choice is the right one for you. Remember that your father eventually will want the same end result that you want – for you to be happy and successful at whatever you do. You are not two opposing forces, and you don’t need to view the situation as such. Hope this helps and all the best.

Dear Madam,

I am currently confused about what career options to take. I have completed my B.Com from RC university Belagavi, Karnataka. I'm interested in banking sector and also in the defence sector. I'm writing the relevent exams for it as well. But I also want pursue MBA to complete my post graduation. But I have a third semester backlog of business statistics in B.Com so all my future plans have been kept on hold. Unofficially I have completed B.Com but due to the third semester backlog I am not able to apply for jobs.

I have lost my patience and confidence. In my home nobody is ready to guide me or help me in this regard. I want to have a career- which I like and enjoy and moreover earn respect from my friends, colleagues and family. But financially we are not so well off. This is the root cause of the problem. I have been waiting for a long time to tell you all this and seek your advice and solution to my set of academic problems.
Nikhil More
Dear Nikhil

Liking the career you have chosen, enjoying it and earning respect from your friends is all in your control as it is largely driven by your own thoughts and feelings about yourself and your situation. You can choose to view the same job as boring and mundane and do it in a routine mechanical fashion, or you can choose to be thankful for it and give it your best shot, all the time looking to think out of the box, solve problems, and give it your 100%. 

If you respect yourself your friends will have no choice but to respect you. What the world says about you is a reflection of what you feel about yourself. If you respect yourself, the way you interact and respond to situations will force others to respect you as well. Getting a job per se is not what gets you respect. It is what you bring to the job, or what you give to it, that ultimately earns you lasting respect.

Good luck!

Seek help when you need - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appreared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of April 16, 2015]

Dear Madam,

I am doing in my fourth semester of engineering (Medical Electronics). As I had done my Diploma earlier, I got a BE seat directly in the second year. I am an above average student but found it difficult to cope with my subjects. Also, due to ill health during the exams, I did not fare well and had five backlogs. I lost a year. I am very depressed and I cannot come out of this depression. When I think about it, I feel scared and cannot stop my tears. I have never had backlogs before and have always performed well. I have cleared the backlogs but feel low about going back to college. I cannot concentrate as before. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake again.
Worried Student

Dear Worried Student
I understand your worry about the future,  your fear and that you are very depressed because the performance you had in the past year was not the kind of performance that you were used to and had come to expect of yourself. Given that your depression around this issue has persisted for some time, and still makes you cry, I suggest you see a counsellor for a few sessions to help you gain a new perspective on the way you are interpreting things.

If you do not have access to a counsellor, feel free to access a counsellor at the free Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080 65333323. You may also benefit from a psychiatric evaluation of your depression to see if medication for depression will help you feel better. People make mistakes, and do not always perform at their peak performance level all the time. Making mistakes if normal. But we need to be able to learn from our mistakes and bounce back, rather than get stuck with our fear. I believe counselling will help you move past this phase of your life.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
This is about my nephew who is in class IX. He is good at studies. However, his parents are very worried about his irresponsible, childish behaviour and  the way he talks to others. This is true to a certain extent. The parents keep advising him and when he turns a deaf ear to them, they get depressed and scold him. I do not want my nephew or his parents to suffer from a long-term effect due to this. Is this a common problem, which will fade away? How do they tackle this? Should they meet a counsellor?
Sindhu

Dear Sindhu
It is touching to see your concern about your nephew. Yes, it is common amongst adolescents. The teenage years are the time in life when teenagers try to discover and create their own identify, as one that is different from that of their parents, or from that which their parents want them to have. In this process of ‘individuation’, they need to necessarily hold their own and not accept every piece of advice and instruction that is given to them. I think parents need to understand this behaviour as a feature of adolescence and the adolescents’ process of creating an identity for themselves, as opposed to an attack on them. When parents are able to gain this perspective, then this behaviour is not that anxiety-provoking any more.

I definitely think it will be helpful for the parents to go for a couple of counselling sessions where they are able to talk about their fears, anxieties and challenges. If this does not help in changing the way they are working, behaving, thinking and feeling about their son’s behaviour then they could also explore some family counselling sessions with their son.

Dear Madam,
I am 23 years old. I have not yet passed my II PUC, as I was not interested in studies at that time. I have joined B Sc (IT) through correspondence. I have been working as a Dialler Specialist for the last three years. I have totally worked for five years now. I really don’t know what to do next? If I apply for a different job they ask for a degree. I am really confused.
Sameera

Dear Sameera
I am not a career counsellor and as such cannot give you any inputs around what career paths you can follow. But I do think that if you look for a job in the formal corporate world, you will need a degree, and the absence of one will always prove to be a roadblock in your growth within the organisation, and will reduce the options open to you.

So you can either, pursue your formal education now, and get the degrees that you need, or you can choose alternative paths of growth and livelihood by setting up your own business. I think it would be helpful for you to do some introspection and understand yourself better – what are your strengths and weakness;, what are the areas you are interested in; do you have any hobbies and passions that you can convert into a means of livelihood; what are your goals and aspirations; how would you define success for yourself; etc. Answering these questions for yourself, either on your own, or with the help of a trusted adult, may help you raise options that you can explore. Remember, there are many paths to success, and there are also many definitions of success. You must find one that fits you.

Pursue your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column,  answered by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of March 5, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I passionate about music and aspire to make a career in it. But since my parents weren't supportive of this, I joined an engineering course. But my focus in engineering is getting diverted due to my music classes. Consequently, my results are suffering. I am under a lot of stress. Kindly help me out. Prateek M

Dear Prateek,
I think it is important for you to be able to pursue your passion, if you truly believe in it. But you must be able to convince yourself, and those around you, that is truly what you would like to do. Build out a plan on how you are going to pursue your music, and how you are going to build a sustainable livelihood based on it. In the process of this plan, you may realize that building a livelihood on music is not practical, in which case you must have a Plan B. Or you may realize that it is possible to have a steady source of income based on music, in which case you must share that plan with your parents to put their fears to rest. After all, your parents are concerned for your well-being and their anxieties and pressure stems from a genuine desire to ensure you have a secure future. 

If you can share a detailed plan with them on how music will let you do that, while at the same time allowing you to follow your passion, they will be more than happy. It is possible that at the present moment they see it only as a distraction from your studies and are therefore, concerned about where you are headed. So, to reduce your own stress, and allay the fears of your parents, you must flesh out the plan of a life based on music and see where it takes you. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am in the second year of my computer science engineering course. My communication skills are weak and I don’t have the confidence to talk to someone in English. Even during classes, I hesitate to clear my doubts because of this. How can I improve my communication skills? Ray

Dear Ray,
I understand that you are scared to ask any question in class because you are not confident about your English speaking skills. Ask yourself what is your worst fear around this? What is the worst thing that you think may happen if you were to ask something in class, and your English was less than perfect. Remember, no one is perfect and no one gets things right every time. The only way to learn is by making mistakes and learning from them. You did not learn to walk without ever falling down. But now that you have learnt to walk, aren't you thankful for the fact that you took the risk of falling while learning. In the same way, take the risk of making a mistake while speaking, because confidence only comes with knowledge and practice. And to aid you in the process, try speaking English whenever you are with people you are comfortable with (like your friends and family). Make speaking English your mantra – each time, every time. You could also join a class to help you get some confidence. Force yourself to read English newspapers, magazines and books. Listen to the English news and other programmes on television as well. But there is no short-cut to speaking. So take the risk and speak. After all what is the worst that can happen? Nothing more than a couple of inconsequential laughs which will soon be forgotten. 

Are you going to let the fear of some inconsequential person laughing at you for a moment, hold you back in life from achieving your potential? Think about it. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am 21 years old. I have a backlog in my final year B.Sc course (physics, mathematics and electronics), which I will clear this year, in June. My dad wants me to do B.Ed (a teachers’ training course), which I am not interested in. So, I have decided to work, earn some money and later pursue courses of my choice. But my dad isn't comfortable with me working night shifts or anywhere outside Bengaluru. So, what kind of a job should I look for? Chaithra N

Dear Chaithra,
I am not a career counsellor, nor do I run a placement service, so I will not be able to tell you what kind of job to apply for and how to go about it. Nor can I tell you how to continue your studies further. However, I do believe you should do what you heart tells you to, and what you are good at. Even though you may not think so, it is possible to communicate with parents and discuss your options, understand their point of view and explain your own. You are allowed to have a point of view, and express it, though sometimes as children we are told that we need to only follow what are parents say. 

So, my suggestion would be to understand why your parents want you to do what they want you to do. Then understand for yourself, why you do not want to do that, and why you think the path you are choosing is better. Then understand your strengths and weaknesses, as well as the opportunities and limitations ahead of you. In this self analysis, things will become clearer to you about what path will work. Try and take up a job that leverages on your strengths and is of interest to you. It is not about searching for a job. It is about building a career. A job is a short-term goal. A career will stay with you for life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I currently in my final semester of mechanical engineering. I am quite good at studies and have no backlogs and have an overall distinction CGPA. In about two months, I will graduate and I haven’t appeared for any campus interviews as most of them are for software companies and I wish to work in a core mechanical company. But my real passion lies in boxing. I have been boxing since I was 18-years-old. I don’t have any personal coach but I am pretty good at this sport and wish to make my mark as a boxer. But not many opportunities have come my way in this field. So, should I look for a mechanical engineering job or follow my passion? Are there any options where I could do both? Adithya Kashyap

Dear Adithya,
I am not someone who can guide you on opportunities that are available in boxing because I do not have any knowledge in that field. However, it is important that you be able to build for yourself a sustainable livelihood with whatever field you choose. If you can visualize that with boxing, by all means go for it. However, if you cannot, then it may be in your interest to pursue it as a hobby. Maybe you can ensure your linkages with the sport in a way that helps build the environment for it for coming generations. Maybe you can work with a company that will give you the opportunity to also build on your passion. Maybe you can become a coach yourself. 

You must visualize your life as a boxer and see what you like about it and dislike about it. Visualize your life as an engineer and do the same. Talk to people who are already in both the fields and see what they have to say about it. Identify your strengths and weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Define what success means to you and see if which career path will align you better with your definition of success. Career choices are personal and best made after some serious self-analysis and introspection. And take whatever help you need in this process. All the best.

Make your own choices - Ask our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appreared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 4, 2014]

Dear Madam,
I am an 18-year-old guy who passed SSLC with 92 per cent but scored only 60 per cent in IInd PUC. I am embarrassed by this. My father had to take a loan to get me a mechanical engineering seat. Consequently, there is a lot of pressure on me to perform well. Could you suggest me an effective timetable with which I can perform well? Also, I spend a lot of time chatting with my friends which distracts me. This is affecting my overall study schedule. Kindly help me out.
P Sai
Dear P Sai,
I understand that you recognise that your performance in IInd PUC was not up to your potential and that you are feeling embarrassed and pressured because your father had to take a loan to get you an engineering seat. You recognise that some of your slip-up in performance could be due to the fact that you are now distracted and spend a lot of time talking to friends, instead of focusing on your work. It is good that you have been able to identify one of the causes of your poor performance, because if you know the reason it is easy to address, if you want to.

It is not for me to make a study time table for you, It is for you to make your own timetable and commit to it. I can make a timetable which can be completely meaningless because it does not have your buy-in. Your problem is probably not a lack of capability, but rather the absence of focus and a key motivating factor. Find your motivation and you will automatically be spurred to work towards achieving it. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am 16 years old and in my first year of commerce degree. I am an average student and have scored 75 percent in SSLC. I am lazy and have no interest in studying. I get through the examinations by sticking to a strict timetable. But I find myself lost in the nonsensical thoughts most of the time. I spend the time for studying daydreaming. I wish to study well and put my educational qualifications to good use. Kindly suggest some helpful measures.
KV

Dear KV,
There is a time and a place for everything, including the nonsensical thoughts. It is quite natural for you to be distracted. Yet, it is good that you understand what the right path is for you and what will get you long-term results. If you know what works for you, then your problem is made simpler because you have a solution that works. If sticking to a timetable has worked for you in the past, then you should just replicate that model, while allowing time for distractions and maybe building it into your timetable. It is not necessary that you have to study all the time. It is important to focus and put in your best while you are studying and also keeping time for other things. Do remember all work and no play makes you dull. So, try to keep a healthy mix of both work and pleasure. I wish you all the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a 15-year-old girl. I finished my class 9 in an ICSE school with 74 percent results. I aspire to score more than 85 percent in my upcoming 10th board exams. But I am very nervous as I want to perform well. Suggest some helpful measures.SS
Dear SS,
When you feel nervous or anxious about an exam, take some time to understand what your worst fear is. Write down that fear, understand it and then set it aside. Let it not clutter up your active memory. I have written extensively in this column on exam anxiety, but I have also written an article which helps explain the demystify exam anxiety which can be found on my blog which is  www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html. I urge you to take a few minutes to read it. Once you understand it, you can overcome it. Also remember, that the class 10 exams should not be your end goal. They are just a stepping stone on your journey in life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I'm studying in II PUC (science). My problem is I can't study for long hours at a stretch. I lose my concentration pretty soon. Can you tell me how to study for a long period of time and also how to revise for the exams?
Adarsh Kamble

Dear Adarsh,
I do not have any magic formula that can work for everyone. Each student needs to discover their own study technique that works best for them. If you are not able to concentrate for a long period of time at a stretch, then you must make your schedule such that you plan for short periods of focused time, with adequate breaks. It is not important to study all the time, and it is not a crime to take a break. Some people prefer to study in one long stretch and work for a couple of hours at a time.

Others work best in small chunks with breaks. Do what works best for you. As for revision, again, there are many techniques and you must discover what works for you. If you discover it on your own, you will commit to it. It is not something I can tell you how to do. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I failed my SSC exams owing to my difficulties in math and physics subjects. I studied hard for my re-exams and managed to clear all my papers. I am now scared to take up science again. But my family wants me to take up science while I am interested in arts. Kindly help me out here. Do I listen to my parents or my tutor who thinks I have potential in science?
Khadarabi M

Dear Khadarabi,
It is not for me to tell you which subjects you take. Your choice of subjects should be based on what is your end goal and what is the path you see yourself pursuing in your future. Whatever subjects you choose, you should choose them because you like them and want to do them, not because someone is suggesting them to you. But do remember that choices bring along great responsibilities. You then cannot blame anyone else if your performance is not up to the mark. So, take ownership of your future, and commit to it. And then follow your heart. All the best.

Overcome your fears - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of November 13, 2014]

Dear Madam,I am a third year MBBS student. My score in 1st year was 70 percent and 66 percent in 2nd year. Although, I am good in practical, I falter in theory. I get low scores in every internal test and main exams. I can’t seem to find the root of the problem. Does presentation of my answers lead to low scores? This has left me depressed and lowered my self-confidence. I am a hard-working student and also know that to become a successful doctor, I need my hands-on skills more than the theoretical knowledge. But I get very distracted by the low scores.Please give me some tips in getting better marks in my theory exams.
Dear student,
Please don’t worry about the marks, because like you said, it is the learning that is more important. You seem to be better at the tougher tasks. Clinical skills, understanding and communication are what get tested in the practicals and you seem to be in an enviable position there. It may be that you have now worked yourself up and are getting anxious about getting the marks, which is then not letting you focus and concentrate while studying and writing the papers.

Sometimes, anxiety fills up our mind, and we tend to forget things we are meant to remember. It is absolutely important not to let anxiety get the better of it. Always believe that even if the worst happens, you will still be able to have a meaningful life. So, enjoy your strengths in the areas that are aspirational for others. And don’t fill your mind with worry. 

However, when you get your marked test or exam papers back, do spend a few minutes understanding where you made the mistakes and why you lost the marks. The important thing to remember every time you are not as successful as you would like to be, is to learn from the experience.

What can you learn from the situation and the result which will make you do better the next time. Self-reflection, rather than worry, fear and anxiety, can pay rich dividends. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am currently in my second year of mechanical engineering and have lost my focus on studies. Having lost a year, I feel I can’t do anything right while everyone around me is performing well. I also failed in the 12th board exams in one subject, however, I cleared it in the supplementary exam. I did my NCC and I also have a C certificate with an A grade. I want to join the army, but I am not feeling confident about myself and whenever I sit to study, negative thoughts arise in my mind and I feel that I can’t do it at all. Please help.Akshay Kulkarni
Dear Akshay,
All of us get both positive and negative thoughts. They come in huge numbers  every other day in our heads. So, the fact that you are getting negative thoughts is not something to be worried about. It is normal. You just have to train yourself to let the thoughts go. I am not sure which city you are in, and if you will be able to take the help of a counsellor to handle your negative thoughts, rebuild your confidence and regain your focus. I think it will help you tremendously to take this support. 

In case you are not able to find a good counsellor, feel free to call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323. This is a free service that you can avail of without any hesitation. Counselling will help you discover your own potential and regain your confidence. It is to your credit that you have been able to reach out for help by writing in to me via this column. Now I urge you to take the next step of reaching out for some on-going support that can really make a difference. All the best.

Dear Madam,I am a 26-year old guy from Dharwad, currently pursuing a course in hotel management and aviation in Hubballi. I suffer from social anxiety. For the past eight years, I have been taking medications but it is of no consequence. I underwent all kinds of therapies, but it has not helped me. Kindly help me out here as my future career is in jeopardy. I have major responsibilities like repaying my educational loan and taking care of my mother.Vinayak Patil
Dear Vinayak,
A large part of the treatment for social phobia and anxiety is based on cognitive behaviour therapy techniques and belief modification. I’m sorry to hear that you are not benefiting from the medications and therapy you have been undergoing. There is a lot of work being done in NIMHANS in Bengaluru to help clients with social anxiety. I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek the help of the behavioural therapy unit in NIMHANS.

I am not familiar with the resources available in Hubballi, but this is a specialised technique and I do know that there are skilled doctors in NIMHANS who may help you out. Social anxiety stems from irrational beliefs about yourself, the people around you, and your relationship with them.

You tend to undervalue yourself and your worth and capabilities, and overvalue that of those around you. This makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence, to the point of making your dysfunctional unless you are able to recognise this pattern and address the underlying beliefs that are driving it. 

I am not sure how much I have been able to help you by this response, but you are right in seeking out help, as that is the first step to getting back on track. And once you have been able to overcome the fears associated with your anxiety you can be back to handling your career with comfort. 

Dear Madam,I am pursuing my 2nd year PUC in science. I am interested in doing BSc Psychology in Macquarie University, Sydney. But my parents want me to become a doctor. Also, they are not comfortable with me going abroad for this purpose. I am confused and pondering whether the decision of studying psychology is right or not. Kindly suggest a way out.Nikitha
Dear Nikitha,
It is nice to know that you are clear about what you want to study. Many at your age do not have such a clear idea. What might help you is to spend some time thinking about your reasons for making that choice. Why are you interested in psychology? And, also think try doing a SWOT analysis for yourself.

Understand and list down your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities ahead of you and the threats in your path. You could do this at a general level, and then specifically keeping psychology in mind. This exercise will help you establish whether you have a lasting interest in psychology, and whether it will play to your strengths.

Once you have this analysis for yourself, you will be in a better position to have a conversation with your parents about psychology versus medicine, and also understand their reasons for preferring medicine. When you have made a choice of field, you can then arrive at what is the best university to do it from. Good luck.

Enjoy the work you do - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[This column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of August 12. 2014]
Dear Madam,
 
I finished my PUC in 2013 and secured 87%. Till I completed my 10th I was very sure that I wanted to take up science. When I joined PUC in science stream, I got totally confused whether I wanted to do MBBS or engineering. I lost interest in studies and was totally unaware of the consequences about my negligence. As a result, I didn't get a good rank in CET. My rank was around 5,000 and I was unable to get an MBBS seat. Then I had to be satisfied with the dental stream. But I wasn't happy. As I belonged from a middle class family I couldn't go for a management seat. I'm confused about what I want to do. I feel very low and am not able to focus on dentistry. I feel like I don't have a passion and that irritates me. I want to enjoy my field and feel happy to work in it, but till now I couldn't recognize what it is. After speaking to my father I feel I can be a good doctor. Now I feel guilty about my behaviour. Please help me. I cannot change my past but at least I can make a better future. Can you please tell me the scope of dentistry and can I be an oral cancer surgeon as I have an interest in being a cancer surgeon.
 
Ashwini

Dear Ashwini

I am not a career counsellor, nor am I an expert on various professions and their prospects. However, I am pleased to see that you want to enjoy the field you are in and want to do something you are passionate about. It is very important, since we spend so many of our waking hours at work, that we enjoy our work. And I am happy to see that you are trying to do something you enjoy, even if it means losing a year in the process. You are right, one year lost at this time, is not so critical, if it allows you to move to an area of interest. You say you feel guilty about it. I am not sure what behaviour are you guilty about? If you are guilty that you ‘wasted’ a year, I would say that you need to put that year into the perspective of your whole life. If that year allowed you to discover what you like, or at least conclude what you don’t like, it is well-spent, compared to a lifetime of misery and drudgery.All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am doing a Diploma in Automobile Engineering in an aided institution and I’m interested in doing BE in it.  How do I prepare myself for it? And what aggregate should I maintain? I presently have an average of about 70 and no back logs. I completed the 2nd semester and am waiting for the results of the 1st year. Apart from it I have some sort of self-irritating things going on in my mind! I do go for a jog every day but no changes. I become an easy prey to that unwanted thinking. How do I get rid of it? I’m very optimistic about my career. Please help me.

Suhas N S

Dear Suhas

I am not the best person to answer your questions about what course you should do and what is the best route to get there. However, you say you have some sort of irritating thoughts that come to you which you want to get rid off. You are not alone in getting unwanted thoughts. All of us get thousands of thoughts every day. They come, and they go. Some linger on longer than others, depending on how much attention we pay to them. The moment we say that I don’t want that thought, the thought tends to become stronger, and stay longer, because of the attention you are giving it. As an exercise, if I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, you will realize that you will only think about a pink elephant. However, if I don’t say anything, you may never think of a pink elephant.So don’t get anxious about how to stop your unwanted thinking, because that anxiety is just what prevents that thought from going away. Don’t think of those thoughts as you’re enemies that you must stop, no matter what. Instead think of them as friends that can come and go as they please. You don’t need to give them permission to enter, or to leave! See if this works for you, otherwise seek the help of a counsellor who can work with you on dealing with your Automatic Negative Thoughts (also called ANTs).All the best.

Dear Madam

I am an above average student and I scored 86% in my 2nd PUC exams. Unfortunately I didn't get a decent rank in CET engineering. I didn't get my desired college and course. I waited till the last round of online counselling where we have to give our priority list of colleges and course. I finally got industrial engineering and management in a fairly good college owing to my category. I want to know:  1) the scope of the course 2) would it have been better for me to wait and write CET in the next year 3) there is a possibility that if I can score good marks in 1st year I can get my course changed, but the problem is I have lost hope as my elder brother and sister are studying MBBS and I think I have disappointed my family so I am not confident. 4) how can I bounce back to my good old attitude?

A student
Dear student

I don’t know anything about which course is good for you, and whether it would have been better for you to appear for the exam again. All I know is that, your brother and sister have to make their own life, doing what they like, and you have to make your own like, doing what you like. You do not choose a career for the happiness of your family (i.e. parents and siblings) but for your own personal happiness, well-being, and sense of fulfillment. As soon as you realize that this is something you do for yourself, and not for others you will stop feeling so pressured by it, and you will be able to live your life again. In the meantime, if this task is becoming too overwhelming, seek the help of a counsellor, either personally in a face-to-face session, or by calling the Parivarthan counselling helpline at 080-65333323 where a counsellor will help you with your challenges in a safe, confidential manner.

Explore new avenues - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 24, 2014]

Dear Madam,

I have completed my 6th semester B.A. exams, but couldn't clear my 5th semester paper. I had taken psychology, journalism and English as my optional subjects as I wanted to pursue my higher education in psychology without proper planning. Now that I have to wait a year to take up my further education due to my backlog I feel that I have lost completely. I do not know what to do in my future. Whether to look for a job or to wait and pursue my further education. I really need your help. I want to know few courses that I can do in this one year which would help me in future and also tell me what I can do in my further education. Does psychology really have good job prospects? I am a typical introvert and have very poor communication and socializing skills.

Pooja, Bangalore   

Dear Pooja

As you probably know, I am not a career counsellor and am in no position to give you advice on what course you should do and what has good job prospects. I would, however, flip the question around in your mind to “what course would you like to do?” You can make a success out of any field you choose, provided you have an interest and passion for it. You may have lost a year in your course, but look at that year in the perspective of your whole life. It is one year, not your whole life, so why would you allow yourself to say you have ‘lost completely’. And consider the infinite possibilities this one year may give you the time to explore for yourself – primary among which may be getting to know yourself better! Consider it as a chance you are getting to explore new avenues and study anything you want, and learn new skills. There are so many wonderful online courses that can open up a whole new world for you. Allow yourself to experience possibilities that you may not have had the chance to explore otherwise. In the context of your whole life, everything is just merely another experience, not a defining moment. All success and failure are transitory. Don’t get too attached to them.

There is no such thing ‘typical’ introvert. You are ‘unique’ and you are special and you have your strengths. Use this time to discover them.

Dear Madam

I have always dreamt of doing something on my own – doing something big. But I have no idea in which field. Now, hopefully in the next couple of years, I will get an idea by looking at the world in a different perspective. My other dream is to provide education to those who cannot afford it. God willing may be after working for about 25 – 30 years (or much less than that) I would like to open a school. I would like to know from you, what are the small but important steps to take as of now in order to achieve my dream.

S P

Dear SP

It is great to dream big and aim high. That shows you a path of where you need to go. However, remember to chart out your path with milestones along the way, so that you know that you are headed in the right direction. Just like you cannot reach an unknown place without a map (and landmarks along the way to show you that you are on the right path), you need to break up your dreams, into smaller, more achievable, milestones that show you your progress, and also keep you on track.You cannot just wake up one day and say today I will fulfill my dream. You will have to secure many ends along the way to get there – financial, professional, emotional, social, physical and so on. For instance, if you know you want to open a school for the under-privileged now, and you are not yet married, you must ensure you get married to someone who shares that dream and can support you and be a part of that journey! Similarly, you must also start planning for it now, financially. Hope this helps

Dear Madam 

I am doing my 4th semester Engineering (Medical electronics). As I had done my diploma earlier, I got a seat in BE directly in the second year. I am an above average student but found it difficult to cope with my subjects. Also, due to ill health during the exams, I did not fare well and had five backlogs. I lost a year. I am very depressed and I cannot come out of this depression. When I think about it, I feel scared and cannot stop my tears. I have never had backlogs before and have always performed well. I have cleared the backlogs but feel low about going back to college. I cannot concentrate as before. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake again. 

Worried Student 

Dear Student

I understand that you are feeling depressed because you have several backlogs, and you are not used to having them. This is new for you and is probably causing you to feel embarrassed, ashamed, and feel like a failure. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. So you may have failed at an exam, but that does not mean you are a failure as a person. I have written extensively on this issue in this column and don’t want to sound too repetitive. I urge you to read some of my earlier writings on my blog. You may have lost a year, but what is a year in the perspective of your whole life? You may have lost a year. You do not have to interpret it to mean that you have lost your whole life. How you interpret the fact that you lost a year is entirely your choice and within your control. www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
Try and understand what you are most scared about. What is your worst fear? Once you have identified it and named it, you will find it much easier to face. Sometimes you may need help with this and I suggest you get the help of a counsellor. You can also try reaching out to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline which will give you free access to a counsellor to get you started on your journey to recovery. The number of the helpline is 080-65333323.

Dear Madam,

I am in my final year of BA. Like many students, I am in utter confusion about my career. I am a BE dropout, took up BA just to complete my degree. I feel that I don’t know myself, my interests and skills and am unable to decide my future and this is creating a lot of frustration in me. My teachers have always told me that I am a bright boy but I am starting to doubt myself. Please help me.

JJ

Dear JJ

 I think you would benefit from seeing a career counsellor who can help you gain clarity on what career choices will be best for you, given your strengths and interests. I am not a career counsellor so will not be able to help you with that. However, it is critical that you do ‘know’ yourself. The more you know yourself, the more you will be able to understand what drives you, and where your pitfalls lie. You can then create an environment which allows you to build on your strengths, and work on your weaknesses if you would like to overcome them. Again, you will benefit from reading earlier versions of this column which are all available on my blog. Realizing that you are not the only one with this confusion, that there are many students at your juncture in life who are faced with similar dilemmas. You could also read http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html And if you are still feeling doubtful about yourself, please seek the help of a counsellor.