Ask your counsellor - Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of April 24, 2014]

Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PUC (commerce) student. I have hardly 20 days left for my exams. Though I have completed studying the entire syllabus,solved previous year question papers and also secured 95% in my preparatory I feel that my preparations are not enough. I aspire to be one among the state toppers and this feeling of fear is bringing me down.I want to know what I can do to overcome this fear. Both my parents and lecturers are expecting high results from me and I don't want to let them down.

A student

Dear Student,

By the time this gets published your exams would probably be over. However, my response would probably help you deal with your fears and anxieties in the future as well. I would like you spend a few minutes thinking about what would happen if your worst fear (of not being a state topper) came true!

How would it feel? Would it impact the rest of your life in anyway? Would it even matter, and be of any significance, a year down the line? Would your parents still love you? Would your friends still have you as their friend? Would you still get admission into the next step of your education? Would your teachers still remember you as a good student?

Once you are able to answer these, and other similar questions, honestly, you will probably conclude that the importance you are attaching to being a state topper may be disproportionate to the gain that you will get out of it. 

It is great to aspire for great heights, but the fear of those heights should not prevent you from climbing them. After all, nothing material will really happen if you are not able to climb that height. Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. If you don’t do as well as you would like to, it does not mean that YOU are a failure. All it means is that you were not able to achieve as much as you would have liked to.

As far as letting your loved ones down, you should be striving for great heights for your own satisfaction, and your own sense of accomplishment – not because you fear that your loved ones may not love you as much if you do not. You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you are worthy of being loved by your family, whether you do well in your exams or not. YOU are worthy, not because of your performance in your exams, but because of who you are.

Hope this bit of insight helps you in the future too. All the best.

Dear Madam

I am a 2nd PU student and I am facing a severe crisis. I am not able to concentrate on what I am studying. I just cannot focus for long. As a result I am taking a lot of time to complete simple lessons and moreover I am not able to recollect or remember things properly. As a result I have not been able to score well. Moreover of late I am making a lot of silly mistakes in my examinations, contributing to my average scores. I get frustrated and disappointed by this.

Even though I study for long, I am just not able to finish things to my satisfaction. My parents and teachers have really high hopes on me considering my previous achievements (95% in SSLC and 92% in I PU) and this is not making my situation easier.

I love to play sports, but I am not allowed, neither in college or at home. Even while playing sports also during practice sessions I play quite well but during the actual match I just cannot play properly as I suddenly feel disinterested and can give only an average performance. I feel very bad about it especially after doing so much practice.

Another problem is I tend to postpone things. Also sometimes I am able to study a lesson in an hour but when I try to revise later it takes close to 3 hours which I can't understand why. 

Also during the exam time I feel like doing everything else except studying but during my vacations I don't feel like doing anything and end up wasting my time watching TV or just doing nothing.

Of late I can't even make simple decisions without pondering over it for a very long time. I keep forgetting things, misplacing things and also losing things though I try to be careful, everyone says that I am just lazy and careless.Also I have a feeling that I should not think of whatever I am doing in a negative way. Even though I try to keep away from these negative feelings they still manage to creep in.

I am really feeling desperate and disappointed because of my poor performance and also that I won’t be able to reach mine, as well as others expectations.

A desperate student      

Dear student

There are several things you talked about in this letter, and it would be hard to address all of them here.

However, there is one common theme that runs through, and I think it may help you to talk about that. I think you are anxious about the results of your performance, whether in your exams or in sports, which is not allowing you to perform at the level of your potential. Remember, your goal should be to put in your best effort because that is the only thing you can control. You cannot control the result. And, sometimes, anxiety about the result overwhelms us to such an extent that we are not able to focus on putting in our best effort.

There is an article I had written in this newspaper some time back on helping students to deal with exam anxiety, and it may be helpful for you to read that at this point.http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2013/11/demystifying-exam-anxiety.html

Your anxiety may not be allowing you to focus and concentrate, may be causing you to make silly mistakes, and be distracted, resulting you in getting more desperate, disappointed and frustrated (to use your own words). You say you worry about “what would happen if you got a sum wrong? I ask you to answer that question for yourself. What would happen?

Please write down your worst fears and set them aside. Once you articulate your worst fears you may realize that nothing of significance really may happen. At the most you will get the sum wrong and may be lose a couple of marks. Now, if you think about that rationally, that is not the end of the world. It is something you can deal with, and live beyond. 

You also talk about not living up to others, and yours, expectations.

You need to worry only about your expectations.Others expectations will manage themselves. Your goal should not be to live up to others expectations, but to achieve your own potential, whatever that is. If you tell yourself that you should not think any negative thoughts, your mind will only fill up with more negative thoughts. All of us get thousands of thoughts all the time.They come and go. And that is what you must allow them to do. Come and go. If you hang on to one thought and say you must not think it, you will be prone to think of it even more. Quite like if I tell you not to think of a pink elephant, you are bound to think of it even more. And sometimes it may just help to write down the thoughts and anxieties on a piece of paper and set them aside, so that they are not cluttering up your mind.

Since you have so many conflicting emotions affecting you right now I would urge you to see a counsellor who may help you make sense of them. If you are not able to access acounsellor, it may be helpful to reach out to some of the free helplines that offer assistance. Once such is the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline on which you can reach a counsellor Monday to Friday from 4 pm to 10 pm. The number is 080 65333323.

Good luck, stay focused and all the best for your exams! Remember, the exams and your performance in them do not define you. You define yourself!

Chart your own path - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplment of April 3, 2014]

Respected Madam

I am studying in engineering third year (6^th semester). I want to be a professional traveler. I want to see every corner of the world. How do I start my career in travelling?     Ma’am, I want you to suggest the way. Moreover I feel like I am never in to this engineering. I don’t like just mugging up the subject and vomiting on a paper. It doesn’t make any sense, but that's what I am doing in Engineering. If I sit back and think about  why I chose this field, the only reason I can come up with is that I just followed someone else’s footprints. I kept questioning myself about what actually I want to become. From childhood I have this habit of cutting out articles from newspapers that contain information about some beautiful (unknown) places, so that someday I could go there. Even today I do that. This thing has made me want to choose travelling as a career, and this decision isn’t an overnight one. I took time and moreover my heart says this is it. So, what’s the next step that I should consider after completing my engineering? My neighborhood friends feel that I am gambling with my career if I take up this field. Is it true? Some say pursue an MBA and travel and tourism course abroad so that you can have more opportunities. I don’t know what to do. I am messed up. I don't want to sit behind 10 desks back in a corner and work for 7-8 hours. I want to be a traveler and would like to wander and be lost in people.

Khasim. 

Dear Khasim

I am not a career counsellor, and am not in a position to guide you on what course you should do, and where. All I can say is that if you are very sure of your passion and dreams, then go for it. There will always be people saying you are making the wrong choice. But if you believe that is the right choice for you, then go ahead with it. Meet other people in the field and ask them for their advice and inputs. Talk to role models in that field. Visualize which aspect of the field you want to get into. Break up your goal into small achievable steps and then set forth climbing one step at a time. And most importantly, enjoy the climb while you are at it.

All the best.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Madam

My son is studying in P.U. IInd year with the combination of science courses. As I have noticed, he does not have any high ambition in acquiring any amount of knowledge or skills, to develop his career options. He does not show much interest in studying books and doing his assignments but scores well with marks from 65 to 75 percent. He is good in the use of the mobile and internet by himself. By the way to me, it gives some sort of satisfaction every year with unsettled mind to be in a stable job. So, I have been insisting that he spend more time on studying and working hard, but he does not take it seriously to improve his abilities & settle his mind for further growth & development in his career. In view of such differences, I am worried about what kind of action he or I should take to improve his future.

Thopaiah

Dear Thopaiah

While we feel that we know what is best for our children, and that the lessons we have learnt apply equally to them, we must recognize that they are unique individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses, and their own values and beliefs. Everyone learns life’s lessons the hard way. We would like to try and make it easier for them, thinking that the lessons we learnt in our life are the same ones that will apply to them. So we try and hand them the lessons and wonder why they don’t accept them. The reality is that some of life’s lessons can only be learnt by living them, and experiencing them. So, while you are understandably anxious as a parent, you need to be able to deal with your anxiety in a way that is not counter-productive. You need to help him find his own motivation, rather than go down the path of “I know what is good for you”. Everyone needs to live their own dreams and chart their own path.

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Madam

I am a 3^rd year Computer Science engineering student, I should be in 4^th year now, but I lost a year, last year. When I was in high school I had decided not to become a software engineer as I hated the computer subject, but my cousins told me that it is a good and easy profession. I thought I might be underestimating my capability so took CS. Now many a times I regret this decision. In every semester I get two backlogs. As I have entered this field I want to complete it. I have a habit of writing practice in studying but I lack confidence during exams .Please help.

Banashree Aribenchi

Dear Banashree

It is very important to believe in yourself, your capabilities, and your choices. You must choose a career that plays to your strengths and, therefore, makes you feel stronger and more capable, rather than weaker and incapable. While you have already come this far in your case, you may want to continue with your persistence and complete it, but you should allow yourself the option of ultimately choosing a career that you enjoy. Do not consider that you have wasted your time so far. Education is never lost and learning is never a waste. Don’t think that you have already spent 4 years in this field and so you need to necessarily spend the remaining 40 years of your working life doing something you do not enjoy. Put the time spent into the perspective of your whole life. And find your passion.

_____________________________________________________________________

 
Dear Madam

I am an engineering student studying in the 6^th semester. My problem is that I am suffering from a severe type of fear & doubt in everything, whether in studies, exams, at home or outside. So I am suffering from lack of confidence & low self-esteem. Please help me in this regard. Thank you.

B Nawaz Ligade
 

Dear Nawaz

To be able to help you I would need to understand more about your fears and doubts. You may need some ongoing support so please contact a counsellor who can help you through this. I am not sure if you have easy access to a counsellor, but in case you do not please speak to a counsellor at the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline (Ph: 080 65333323) who will be able to help you. This is a free helpline which operates from Mondays to Fridays from 4 pm to 10 pm. Counselling can really help you rebuild your confidence and self-esteem and deal with your fears and doubts.

All the best.
_____________________________________________________________________

 
Dear Madam

I am currently in my 8^th semester of Engineering in Electronics & Communications, and have an aggregate of 59.8%. Recently with all the placement activities going on in my college, I've been feeling like I'm left behind. I had 2 backlogs in the 3^rd semester, but cleared them in the very next semester, and that pulled my aggregate way down. Since then I saw to it that I never have any backlogs. Because of this I wasn't eligible for a few reputed companies. Many of my friends got placed and because of the fact that I didn't, I feel very depressed. I have attended a couple of placement drives but I didn't get lucky. I have a good 10^th and 12^th score but just because I have a low aggregate in Engineering I was not able to attend many placement drives. I have good managerial and co-ordination skills, and I'm a goal-oriented person. I have been active in co-curricular activities. Will these qualities help me in the future? Are there any hopes for me?

A frustrated student.

Dear student

As I have said in this column, several times before, marks may only open some doors for you. But, ultimately making a success of the path that that door leads to is not dependent on your marks. Success in the workplace, your career, and your life, depends on several things other than your marks. It depends on your confidence, your creativity, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to problem-solve, your ability to lead a team, your ability to be a contributing member of a team, your ability to communicate, your project management skills, your commitment and perseverance, and a host of other things. None of these are influenced by your marks. And remember, if one door closes, another will open, provided you allow it to. You may not make the grade in campus placement, but that does not mean that you will never find any job, or that you are a failure. You just may have to look a little harder.

_____________________________________________________________________

Narrow down your career choices - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of March 13, 2014]


Dear Madam,
I am a student in Class X. The time for me to choose my streams has arrived. I have been a confused person my entire life and this decision seems the most confusing of the lot. It is said that one should choose the subjects one is good at, or the ones one likes. Neither do I have any particular likeliness towards any particular subject, nor do I excel in a particular one. I have no clue what to choose and what to do in the future. People around me are joining various institutions and I have no idea what to do. I am an intelligent student but not good at maths. Now it seems that everyone has decided their streams and here I am with no clue about my future.
Hargun

Dear Hargun
I think you should take the help of some career counsellor who will help you discover your strengths and aptitude which will give you some direction on which way to go. I understand that you are confused. But let me reassure you that you are not alone in your confusion. Many children at your age do not have clarity about their future path. It does not mean that all is lost. It just means that you need a little help.
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Madam,
I am doing my MBBS in ESI Medical College,Gulbarga. I am not happy to be here because I really want to be a scientist. I feel I should know a lot by now, but I don't. Because that is what scientists need - a thorough knowledge. So now I think I should take one and half year more and get into AIIMS or AFMC or CMC. I know it's not going to be easy, but I am ready to work hard, so that one day I'll be able to do research. I don't know if I am feeling like this because I have not studied what my teachers have taught here. When I told all this to my father, he just convinced me and asked me to put in the same effort here in medicine, and try and get a transfer from Gulbarga to Mysore or Bengaluru,my hometown. This is what my father promised and I agreed. But I am afraid if I have an ability to go to the colleges I mentioned above, I may be losing out by staying here.
Please help me. My father said that people will laugh at my decision. Tell me whether you feel the same way.
Is it difficult to do what I think? What do I need to fulfill my dream? Or am I scared of this 1st year exam in medicine? Manoj

Dear Manoj
I think it is great to dream big, but we need to be able to rein in our dreams with a dose of realism as well. You are the best person to gauge whether what you are aspiring for is realistic or not, given your capability. If you believe it is realistic, you must go for it. Don’t let what people will say about it be your guiding factor. People are limited by their own beliefs and understanding. You know yourself best, and if you feel it is within your grasp you must attempt it. But before you go down any path you must make a realistic assessment of your abilities (i.e. strengths and weaknesses), opportunities and threats. You also must be able to clearly articulate your dream. You say you want to be a scientist. What about being a scientist is appealing to you, as opposed to your current path? What makes you so sure that you will enjoy that path more than your current path? What do you stand to gain from making the change? What do you stand to lose from making the change? Remember, teachers are not a constraining factor in our gaining knowledge, at least not these days when you have access to so much knowledge that is freely available on the internet. If you really want ‘thorough knowledge’, you can gain it no matter which institution you are enrolled in and what subject you are studying in college.
So answer these questions for yourself, and you will find clarity emerge on your true motivation.

Dear Madam
I’m studying in 12th CBSE and appearing for board exams this March. I obtained a 9.4 CGPA in 10th and opted for science and my subjects are PCM and computer science. Although I’m at the peak  of the moment, I am still not clear about my career. I say that I want to get into engineering but keep don't know which branch. I have kept some options for myself but am not able to choose between them. I want any of these (aeronautical, computer science, sound, system, mechanical, ocean or marine) in engineering. The problem with me is that I want to do many things but stick to none. I strongly have interest in archaeology, cyber forensics, animation, but also the above mentioned. I want to do computer science engineering but when I hear people taking it so casually and saying there is no scope for it my heart sinks. Due to my fluctuating opinions even my parents are not able to decide things for me. I always wanted to take up a career that was out of the box and adventurous, always with new things in it and now the irony is that I’m not able to even decide a graduation subject for myself. I am very depressed and tense about this and am not able to concentrate on my studies as I don't get that fire to do something when I study as there seems to be no goal in my life. I told my parents to take me for career counseling since the start of the year, but they did not pay much attention to it, and doing it now seems to be of no use. Ma’am please suggest a suitable career so that I can avoid my fluctuations and focus on my goal. When I read about inspirational personalities and how they came up in their life I feel that I’m no less and even I can do it. I want to do something in my life, something extra-ordinary. Please guide me through this dilemma. I will be very thankful to you. I hope for some solution to my career problem.
A student

Dear student
It is never too late to get some help. Even now, I think it would be helpful for you to get some career counselling. Since you have a very wide range of interests it is important to be able to narrow down your list. The career counselling will help you map your interests with your strengths and aptitude and narrow down your choices. It will also be helpful to talk to people who are working in the various fields that are on your list, and learn from their experiences. Sometimes what a particular career path may require of you, may be quite different from what you imagine it to be. It is time for you to narrow down your choices, not necessarily to one, but to a few which you can then start focusing on. And remember, that while you make a choice at this point of time based on your current knowledge, it may not turn out to be what you want. Which does not mean that you are a failure. All it means is that it did not match your expectations and you need to look for a different fit. No choice needs to be final and fatal, unless you choose to make it so.

Separate Anxiety and Aspirataion - Ask our counsellor Q&A Column

 [The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of February 20, 2014]
 

Dear Madam

I and my wife are worried about the academic performance of our 18 year daughter, who is in BCA 1st year. Though she has scored more than 82% marks in SSLC examination, she scored 50% marks in PUC and also attended the CET and scored less with a ranking of 89000 inspite of one year tuition for PCMC and for Engineering.
 
We were interested in sending her for engineering, but she does not like engineering because of mathematics and physics. She is interested in computer science and has opted for the BCA. She never reads the notes given by the college/tuition centre, but reads only the text books. She does not have the capacity to convert the questions to answer by reading the text books. We repeatedly tell her to study the notes given by the lecturers. She will never do that saying that lecturers are not giving proper notes and hence she is studying the texts. She was in CBSE syllabus upto 4th standard.

Since it was tough and the school shifted its CBSE section too far, we put her in State Syllabus and in 8th standard. Though she was reluctant for the changes, she finally accepted our wish. We feel these are the reasons, she is showing no interest in studies. Moreover, whenever we advise/scold for anything, she gets angry and she will not reply, but will show her anger in the face and go away from the place. She is dull in mathematics and physics. We are sure if she attempts and concentrates on her studies well, she will definitely get high marks. We find while studying, her concentration will be somewhere else. We have earlier taken her to a counsellor and took their advice also. She will never tell anyone the problems faced by her. She shows more interest in watching TV/playing with mobiles. Except in studies, in other activities, she helps her mother, understands the problems at home and will do whatever is needed.  She mingles with her friends and family members, who have a good opinion about her. Kindly help us in solving the problem.

A concerned parent
 
Dear concerned parent
You are correct in saying that she is probably not focusing on things you would like her to focus on because that is something you are pushing her towards, not something that she would want to do. It is very important to be able to separate our anxieties and our aspirations for our children, from those of our children, and let our children find and live their own dreams, rather than yours. It is important to be able to help them identify their dreams, rather than give them your dreams to fulfill.

I urge you to help her find her dreams. Maybe the best possible way to do this would be to get her some counselling support. Counselling will give her a safe, confidential and non-judgmental space to confront her fears and build her dreams.

­Dear Madam

I am an engineering student. Before I joined engineering I completed my diploma. Before that I lost 3 years in my PUC. When I failed in PUC 2nd I was still confident that I will clear PUC 2nd, but I failed again.  After losing 3 years I joined diploma and did well in diploma and my aggregate was 71%. After diploma I wrote the CET for lateral entry in engineering. I did well in my 3rd semester internals but in the exam I failed 2 papers. I couldn’t believe that. I had answered those papers well so I applied for revaluation & passed in one of the two papers. When I entered the 4th semester I lost my all confidence and I didn’t do well in the internals and exams. I failed again in the 4th semester. My total backlogs were 4, when I entered the 5th semester. I tried to gain my confidence & again I did well in internals and exams, but in my 4 backlogs I cleared 2 and failed in 2.In 6th semester I studied a lot more & did well in the 6th semester but in the backlogs I cleared one and failed one. That one backlog is my gate paper which I had written well. I applied for revaluation & challenge revaluation, but didn’t clear. Because of this gate paper I lost another one year and I am not eligible for my final year. My total years lost is 4 years. Now I am thinking of suicide. Such thoughts are coming in my mind. I am thinking I am a useless fellow. I think I don’t have a right to live, but at that time I think about my parents and avoid that feeling. Such feelings are coming to my mind often and I avoid them. Ma’am, most of the time, I still believe that God will do best with me in the future. But sometimes I don’t believe it. Please tell me what I have to do. I am passing the worst stage of my life.

Kaleem
 
Dear Kaleem
I understand that you feel you are going through the worst stage of your life and are feeling hopeless and dejected. And are also feeling suicidal thinking there is no meaning in your life. Many times when things get really tough our first instinct is to quit. But I acknowledge your courage in writing to me for help. I urge you to see a counsellor as soon as you can. I don't know where you are living so do not know if you will be able to find a counsellor easily. If not, please call some of the free helplines that are meant for people like you who may be temporarily struggling with the challenges life is throwing at them. One such helpline is the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline for which the number is 080-65333323. This is available for anyone who will take the trouble to call between 4 pm to 10 pm Monday to Friday. This is a free helpline in which a counsellor will help you work through whatever is troubling you at that time. If you feel helped you can call this helpline multiple times as well.

Meanwhile, I admire your confidence and courage to continue with full determination with your course, and having the confidence to get revaluations where necessary. You may have lost four years but I think you need to put everything in perspective. Four years in your whole life is not your whole life. You have many more years - maybe another 60 years at a minimum, and if you think of it in totality, then four years is not such a big amount. Once you get past this hump this will fade into insignificance. Secondly, you need to take stock and see what this experience has taught you. In every failure there is a lesson to be learnt. And if we learn the lesson, then the failure is not a waste.

Thirdly, failure is always only an event, it is never a person. So while you may have failed at some exams, it does not imply you have failed as a person. Success in life depends on a lot more than marks in exams. The marks just open some doors. After that they are pretty irrelevant because ultimately success in the workplace and in life will depend on your confidence, your self esteem, your ability to work in a team, your ability to lead a team, your ability to think out of the box, your problem-solving skills, your communication skills, your ability to learn on the job, etc. So don't lose heart. Remember there is always light at the end of a tunnel, and just like all good things comes to an end, all bad things also eventually come to an end, though while we are going through them, it seems never-ending. And when things are really seeming tough call the helpline for some solace.­